07x01 - The Marathon Man

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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07x01 - The Marathon Man

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Narrator: Coming up, why is Murr getting up close and personal?

[ Laughter ]

Why is Sal under att*ck?

Oh, my God!

And which punished Joker will cross

a bridge of troubled waters in tonight's big punishment?

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: New York City, only place like it, baby!



[ All cheering ]

This is incredible. We're at Top of the Rock,

at the world-famous Rockefeller Plaza.

While taking in the sights, we've got to do and say

what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say anything, you lose.

Welcome to the Rock.

Wrong Rock.

Murr: This might be one of the coolest locations we've ever filmed, right?

Hands down. Hands down.

I can't believe they let us do this here.

Q: Way classier than we deserve.

There we go. Let's do it.

Sal, ready to lose?

Why?

Just go put your nose up against the glass.

I'm not doing it.

[ Laughter ]

Sal, this is a great view, huh?

You should pick up your phone and describe it,

very loudly, to somebody.

Thick New York accent.

Yeah. Be really New York.

Yeah. It looks sick, bro.

Yeah, it's a dope skyline, bro.

I'm looking at the Empire State Building right there,

beyond is the Freedom Tower.

I count, like, dozens of windows.

[ Laughter ]

Building over here's got a big-ass antenna on it.

Q: Louder. Louder.

Yeah. That's where King Kong was, right there, bro.

I'm staring at right where King Kong d*ed.

Oh [bleep] Hoboken, bro.

[ Laughter ]

It's a sick, dope view, bro.

It's New York City, only place like it, baby!

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Hey Sal, see that woman in pink over there?

Yeah, you think she's Derek Jeter.

Jeter.

[ Laughs ] Excuse me?

Derek Jeter.

Oh, sorry. I was gonna ask for an autograph.

Sal, any time somebody looks through

one of those viewing things, just block their vision.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Just keep blocking, Sal.

Block her.

I'm sorry?

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

You owe this woman cents, clearly.

-Block! -Block, block!

Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

"Don't be an idiot"?

Sal, grab it, look into it,

point it at her, and tell her to get out of the way.

[ Laughter ]

Can you get out of the way please?

[ Laughter ]

"Don't be an idiot!"

Don't be an idiot, please.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Oh, Joe.

You don't remember how you got up here.

The last thing you remember is kicking that old gypsy woman

in the park.

And now, you're up here. You don't know how.

What the f--

Where am I?

Did you see me come up here?

I don't know how I got up here.

The last thing I remember is, I kicked an old gypsy woman

in Central Park. Next thing I know, I'm up here.

I might have been quantum leaped up here.

Who'd you kick to get up here?

Oh, you took an elevator?

Where are...

[ Laughter ]

I gave her a sh*t in the chops, teleported my ass right up here.

"You want to take that top off?"

Want to pop your top off?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Joe, a lot of foreigners up here, right?

Out-foreign the tourists.

Ehh.

This is classic Joe Gatto bit right here.

Ehh.

The... The State building?

-Empire State Building. -Oeih!

[ Laughter ]

Get her to teach you how to use one of the binocular things.

Eh, the -- the...

Yeah, put money in it.

Muhh...

"New York titty"

New York titty?

What?

No, you look through it.

Eh.

I love -- I love -- I love New York titty.

New York titty greatest titty in the world.

[ Laughter ]

Wonderful titty.

"The titty that never sleeps."

The titty that never sleep.

Yeah, strip club, go see some cities.

[ Laughter ]

Baklava.

All right, guys.

Those are nice binoculars I gave you.

Yes, they are.

They're to check out the view -- of people's faces.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Here we go.

[ Laughter ]

Murr, walk right by the couple that's kissing and embracing.

Just, when you walk by, just go, "Romance is in the air."

Romance is in the air.

[ Laughter ]

[ Whispering indistinctly ]

Murr, let me check those binoculars real quick.

Murr: All righty.

Give the binocs to the side.

Yeah, great.

Murr, I want you to pull up your shirt,

put your chest on the glass, and just jiggle and giggle

and be like, "Ninnies on the glass, ninnies on the glass!"

Ninnies on the glass.

Ninnies on the glass.

[ Giggles ]

[ Laughter ]

Ninnies on the glass. Ninnies on the glass.

New York looking at my ninnies on the glass.

They're looking at the ninnies.

Man, you really took this and ran with it!

You, you, you, you -- your ninnies.

Come on, your ninnies.

-Do it! Do it! -You -- yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Look at all our ninnies, men in New York.

Ninnies on the glass.

Joe: Just keep going. "Ninnies on the glass!"

Ninnies on the glass.

It's so stupid.

All right, can we run these out -- run those out?

All right, Murr, I got one more idea for the binoculars.

Do me a favor and grab them.

Thank you.

All right, put them up against the glass

and hold them up with your face.

Like, not with your hands.

Okay, stay there.

Didn't work.

Joe: Here we go. Do it again.

Woman: Oh, nooooo!

What, what?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

-That's why it didn't go! -That's why it didn't work.

It's on her eyes.

Christine -- Murray, the [bleep] just [bleep] --

what are we doing here?!

-What's going on here? -What?

Come here. Just come back here for a minute.

They didn't give me the note

that there was makeup until after.

Look at her face.

We put the thing around for you,

she tried them, and they ended up on her face.

This was supposed to be you!

Epic fail.

Q, I'm sorry to hear about that you lost your pet parakeet.

-Oh, did I? -Yeah. Mr. Turdlybird.

[ Laughter ]

-Turdly? -Turdly.

-Is that a real word? -Turdlybird.

Excuse me, you guys came from up there? Yeah.

Did you see a parakeet up there?

I lost my parakeet.

Mr. Turdlybird?

If you see a small 'keet, let me know.

Mr. Turdlybird.

Q, stand next to somebody that's really taking in the sights,

really enjoying the vista.

Yeah, there you go.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.

"This city can suck my butt."

This city can suck my butt.

[ Laughter ]

Enjoy your day.

-"Quick question..." -Quick question...

"...do you want to platonic, clothes on, for a photo op?"

...do you want to...

[ Laughter ]

-"Quick question..." -Quick question...

"...do you want to platonic, clothes on, for a photo op?"

...do you --

Do you want to, uh...

platonic, clothes on...

for a photo op?

No? No, I didn't think you would.

That's a firm "no," or you'll think about it?

That's a firm "no."

That's a firm "no."

Q, you see these three kids sitting down here on the bench?

They've been sitting there for a while.

Tell them to... you know, get up.

You got to share the seats.

[ Laughter ]

All right, come on.

You're sitting there all day?

Other people want to...

Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

[ Laughter ]

Lay on it longways.

And he did it!

The problem is, I'm getting to the age where guys like that

could kick my ass.

Narrator: There were four kings of this concrete jungle.

All the guys are safe from the loser board.

Murr: Today, we're at Bagelsmith in Williamsburg

playing a game called "Did They Deserve That?"

While we're ringing up customers,

the guys are gonna send someone in that we "know,"

and we're gonna have to throw a cup of water in their face.

After they're soaking wet, the guys will give us

the weird reason why we did it

and we have to defend our actions.

If you can't get a customer to agree that they

deserved that water in their face, you lose.

Murr: All right, Joe's in.

Hi.

A coffee. What do you need?

A medium coffee?

-All right. -Send them in.

Joe's got to throw a cup of water on this actor's face

in front of a real person.

Sal: Oh, look at the size of this guy.

Q: Gatto's about to get his ass kicked.

Joe: Oh, gee-- all right.

Hey.

[ Laughter ]

"He taught my daughter how to ride a bike?"

He taught my daughter how to ride a bike.

That's not a question --

he taught my daughter how to ride a bike.

And he taught my daughter how to ride a bike.

"He taught my daughter how to ride a bike?"

He taught my daughter how to ride a bike?

It's not a good thing, it's my daughter -- I sh*t the clerk?

He taught my daughter how to ride a bike.

It's my daughter.

He taught my daughter how to ride a bike.

Don't help him, he taught my daughter how to ride a bike.

Geez, dude, you're like Rain Man at this point.

I told you exactly what it was.

He comes in to my place of work

after teaching my daughter how to ride a bike.

He's gonna get water in the face. I had a cup here.

There's only one memory of a daughter riding a bike.

Who teaches? The father.

Better than not teaching her at all, right?

I'll get to it!

But this guy's teaching my daughter how to ride a bike.

"This guy, my neighbor of years."

This guy, my neighbor of years,

decides to take this on himself.

"My daughter's godfather."

He's also my daughter's godfather,

but that's beside the point.

He deserved that, right?

I guess so, man.

Thank you. Thank you.

There's no way he should've won that.

I mean, he bought her the bike, in all fairness.

"I did sign off on it."

I did sign off on it.

To recap, my neighbor of years,

my daughter's godfather, bought her the bike.

He's like, "Can I teach her how to?" I said, "Sure, absolutely,

I would love nothing more than that."

He taught her, I got jealous, he walked in here,

I threw in his face, you said it was okay.

How's it going? This is yours?

Joe: All right, let's do it. Here we go.

Murr: All right, Q. Here we go.

All right, so, it's one more -- oh, no, no.

No!

No!

[ Laughter ]

"He won't kiss my mom on the lips!"

He won't kiss my mom on the lips.

My mother's father d*ed, my mother's brother d*ed,

and my brother's uncle d*ed, all this week,

and he won't kiss my mom on the lips

at either one of these funerals.

Yeah, you know etiquette.

You know Italian etiquette.

On the lips!

Show some respect for my dead uncle, grandfather, and uncle.

Get out of here.

He deserved that, right?

He won't kiss my mom on the lips?

Right?

Q did it with such authority that he's right.

I'm gonna go call my mom.

-Well done. -Well done. Good win, buddy.

-What is this? -That's my bagels.

Get away from it.

Here we go.

I've got a little surprise for Sal.

Turkey, lettuce, tomato, onion?

Yeah.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God!

$ . .

Don't ever say that to me again

the way you said it yesterday, because I'll be back

with more than water!

[ Laughter ]

Q: You got Busey'd, baby!

God, he's an idiot!

Don't even deal with this guy!

[ Laughter ]

It was just a bit!

Was that Gary Busey?

That was Gary Busey.

"I called him Nick Nolte."

I called him Nick Nolte.

[ Laughter ]

You tell me that didn't look like Nick Nolte's mugshot

with a pair of legs?

-Okay. -Listen, listen.

I'm sorry, Mr. Nolte.

Have you ever been hit in the face with a bunch of cookies?

-Oh, my God! -I'm not kidding.

I'm not kidding. Back up!

Get out of there! He's gone rogue!

Gary: We're even!

It's not Nolte, it's Busey, you idiot.

I'm so sorry.

Did I deserve that?

Definitely not.

Thank you!

Q: All right, all right.

We'll give it to you as a win, buddy.

I'm in shock.

Joe: There he stood at the counter.

I just want you to sip that.

All right, well, I don't want that to get in my face.

Take a nice gulp.

Oh, don't drink it all, Joe. You're gonna get...

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.

What is that? -I told you.

Oh, my God.

I told you.

What's in it?

Is it broccoli?

What is that? Cayenne?

It's, like, straight-up ginger.

-Ugh! -It's too much.

-What are you, an ass[bleep] -I didn't make it.

You know the joke is for me to chug the whole thing!

-Yeah, you... -I got to throw up broccoli.

Hi, how are you, sir?

Yes. Here we go.

Here's you guy, Murr.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you want to pay credit card. Okay, one second.

Joe: Here's your guy, Murr.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me one second. I'm sorry.

Hey!

[ Laughter ]

This guy.

"I sneezed, he said, 'Bless you.'"

Yesterday, I sneezed, he said, "Bless you."

"I said, 'Thank you.'

He didn't say, 'You're welcome.'"

I said, "Thank you." He didn't say, "You're welcome."

[ Laughter ]

That's...

I'll wait.

[ Laughter ]

He comes in every day.

Yesterday, I sneezed, he said, "Bless you,"

I said, "Thank you," he didn't say, "You're welcome."

That's basic etiquette rules , right?

Don't you think?

Bless you, thank you, you're welcome.

Bless you, thank you, you're welcome.

It's basic etiquette.

I mean, he totally deserved that, right?

-No. -He doesn't deserve it?

-That's how you get him. -There you go!

That's how you do it, fellas.

It's basic etiquette.

[ Sneezes ]

-Bless you. -Thank you.

Say it!

Say it!

[ Laughter ]

Have a good day.

I hope you feel better, bud.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: There's no watering it down, Murr is tonight's big loser.

All right!

You're starting off the season on a bad foot.

These are some of my favorite days, for sure.

You know what you're gonna do today?

You're gonna run the New York City Murrathon.

-Yeah. -The "Murrathon"?

Yeah. The Marathon already happened.

Today is the Murrathon.

You start here on the Brooklyn side of the Brooklyn Bridge

and run over to New York.

That's all right. That's it?

I can run over the Brooklyn Bridge.

I've done it before. -Okay.

All right.

Is that it?

Other things will happen.

[ Tires screech ] [ Laughter ]

What's going on?

It's always good when a van screeches up, isn't it?

Hey, Murr, get in the van.

God!

[ Laughter ]

All right, see you later.

Both: Those are your shoes.

Have fun, buddy!

Oh, come on!

Are you seri...



-Look at him. -All right, buddy.

You ready to race?

[ Air horn blares ]

Okay, I get it. I get it.

And he's off!

Here we go.

This is so dumb.

By the way, it's, like, degrees out right now.

Oh, geez!

There's no arch support in these things.

It could be worse. You could have flat feet like Sal.

Oh, gosh.

[ Cheering ]

Q: Yeah, Murr! They're cheering for you, buddy!

Keep going!

Surprise one was that he had to run.

Surprise two was the outfit.

Surprise three were the shoes.

Here comes surprise four. -Surprise four, coming right up.

Murr: Very good.

Oh, thank you.

[ Laughter ]

We didn't put warm water in those cups, either.

Consider this payback for you sending Busey after me.

Are you serious? It's freezing out!

Run! Go, hurry up.

The clock's ticking, Murr.

You want a good time! -You guys are son of a --

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It's so cold!

Joe: Run! The clock's ticking, Murr.

You want a good time! -Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

This is very funny.

Oh! Oh, my!

Oh, my God!

He's a bobblehead!

It's so cold!

It's so cold!

Oh, my God!

Just so you know, the heat is on in this van. We all have coffee.

You son of a b*tches.

[ Cheering ]

There you go, buddy. Come on!

Son of a bi--

All: Murray! Murray! Murray! Murray!

I -- son of a -- son of a --

that's not how marathons work!

You're right, the marathons don't work that way.

This is a Murrathon.

How many -- All right!

All right!

Son of a -- Oh, my God.

She had three cups.

Three cups!

You son of a bitch!

Kelly Maxwell hit him with three cups.

That's one of our producers.

Kelly Maxwell is fired!

My crew loves Murray.

Murr: You son of a --

Oh, my God.

All right, all right, all right!

Hit his balls! hit his balls!

She had two cups!

I'm hydrated!

Do you think today's the day he realizes

we're trying to k*ll him? -Yes, I think so.

This whole TV show is just an assassination attempt

on his life.

I'm almost in Manhattan.

There's my apartment.

Thanks, d*ck.

[ Laughter ]

-We should get going. -Yeah.

Home stretch -- here we go.

[ Cheering ]

Q: Here he comes. Here he comes.

[ Cheering ]



Joe: Yay!

All right, pal! -My first Murrathon!

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheering ]

Murr: What?!

What?

This is not how you run a marathon!

I'm not cleaning this up!

So, Murr just lost the first-ever Murrathon,

and now you're gonna get

a behind-the-scenes look of how it happened

and bonus footage from tonight's episode.

You would not want to run a mile in Murray's shoes today.

What do you like about filming in New York City?

It's the most exciting place to film, I think.

The people are energetic. It's the best.

Yeah. Do you think you could film this show --

like episodes of this show anywhere else?

-Anywhere else? -Yeah.

-Yeah, anywhere. -I mean, this is New York City.

There's nothing special about this city.

No filming here. Nothing.

[ Both laugh ]

-You never go to skin? -No, I hate it.

It rips your hair off.

Oh, you know, do it to yourself. Why?

Did you just kiss the back of my neck?

Is that a thing?

You know, we're gonna be filming on the bridge today.

Unbelievable. That's a first.

Down the block is Homeland Security.

Woman: You trespassed on federal property,

and you're making a joke of it.

It's crazy...

Okay, no problem.

Also, Murr married your sister

down the block at the courthouse.

-Oh, no, she's -- she's -- -[ Laughs ]

He's your first brother-in-law. No, they were never married.

[ Siren wails ] Cops!

[ Laughing ] Cops.

And three, two, one.

All right!

You're starting off the season on a bad foot.

These are some of my favorite days.

I can run over the Brooklyn Bridge.

I've done it before. -Okay. All right.

You're gonna blow up the bridge, aren't you?

[ Laughter ]

[ Air horn blares ]

Okay, okay, I get it.

Joe: He has no idea what's coming.

Wow. I also feel that bad for our camera people

that have to run with him through this.

There you go, buddy.

You son of a --

Hit his balls. Hit his balls.

Wet, cold, small balls right now.

Yeah, and now the punishment, too.

[ Laughter ]

All right, my job just got a lot better.

I'm dumping confetti on Murr.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey! All right!

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Here we go. Here we go.

What? What did -- Where'd everybody go?!

Q: Are you looking for Murray?

-Yeah. -Murray's home.

Oh, he just went straight home?

Yeah, he's freezing. He went home.

Okay. So we didn't get Murray.

Well, he -- yeah.

We all ran away, and he ran back home.

Well, he was a freezing He was a trouper.

Now, that, my friends,

is an "Impractical Jokers" trouper right there...

Yeah. 'Cause I wouldn't have done that.

Really? I would've been like, "Nah, what are you gonna do?

Throw me off the show? Throw me off the show."

Too cold.

It's so cold! It's so cold!

So, I just got home from filming the Murrathon punishment,

and a couple things.

First, I have a weird mark on my head.

I don't know from what. Who knows? We'll see.

Second, my bathroom looks like this.

There's freaking confetti everywhere --

in all my crevices.

Joe: Here he is. Here he is.

$ , $ -- [ Laughter ]

-You jerk. -That's Luke.

That's Gary Busey's son. You show some respect.

I called his father Nick Nolte.

[ Laughter ]

Now I know it's Gary Busey's son.

Oh, there you go.

Who can tell them apart?

Gary Busey, Nick Nolte -- they're all the same, right?

You don't think I deserved that, do you? No.

Hey, Murr, you did pretty good.

[ Laughter ] Son of a...

-Luke, yeah!

-Yeah! Good job, buddy.

Good work. Anything you want to say to Murr?

You jerk.

What?
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