09x03 - Drive, Drive, Drive

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Narrator: Coming up, why is q
raging against the machine?

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Do sal and mur
have dance fever?

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker
will be in puppet purgatory

In tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Q: Oh, not the monkeys.

Today, these
beautiful faces

Will be the first
beautiful faces

The people see when
they walk into the office.

That's right,
but working as receptionists,

We've got to do and say
what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

♪♪

Q: Okay! Joey, joey.

Yeah.
Pick up the phone.

Be on the phone
when this person walks in.

"hey, look, if it was up to me,
I'd drown it."

Look, if it was up to me,
I'd just drown it.

I'll bury it
in the morning.

I just bury it
in the morning.

Hi. Welcome.
[ laughter ]

How are you,
sheriff anthony banana?

Are you
sheriff anthony banana?

I'm not.

Sorry.
Wrong challenge.

[ laughter ]

I'm sorry. It's --
that's the wrong challenge.

[ laughter ]

Q: Alright, joe,
without using any words at all,

Get him to stand up
and do a twirl for you

And then sit back.

[ laughs ]
if you got this, man...

If you get this...

[ inhales deeply ]

Um...

[ stammers,
stifles chuckle ]

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ laughter ]

♪♪

I don't know why
I bother to try!

Joe, say to him, "you know,
uh, I recently got a nose job."

I recently got
a nose job.

A nose job? Ah.

Didn't take.

Well, it didn't take.

I look like a toucan.

I kind of, you know --

My friends call me
the italian toucan.

So, I was like,
"oh, maybe I'll get it fixed,"

And then the doctors couldn't do
anything about it.

My nose is too far gone.

My nose is
too far gone.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Joe, joe, just go,

"they had to get rid
of the fish t*nk."

I'm sorry that this
is so bare in here.

They had to get rid
of the fish t*nk.

Sal: "on account of me
almost drowning."

They had to get --
they had to get rid of it.

I used to be, like, right here
where this magazine rack is.

Oh, okay.
But I almost drowned.

We trying to play
with the fish?

No.
I was trying to get in.

Q: I dropped
my cellphone in it.

I dropped my cellphone in,
and I was like,

"oh, I got to get it,"
so I went in and...

"I don't I don't swim."
...I don't swim.

And next thing you know,

I'm knee deep up into
this yellow tang fish.

You know --
did you ever see "finding dory"?

Yes.
Not that one.

The other one.

The other fish.

What was the other --
the other fish?

Not -- not dory.

The little orange one.

Sal: Like, a marlin.

[ laughter ]

A full -foot marlin.

[ chuckling ] we had --
we had a full -foot marlin.

[ laughs ]
in this t*nk.

[ laughter ]

He basically bounced off one
side of the t*nk to the other.

And my cellphone fell in,

And I had to go up
against this marlin,

And I'm not gonna
lose my cellphone.

Sal:
The sea was angry that day.

The sea was -- [laughs]
the sea was angry that day.

It must have been
a pretty traumatic experience.

For the marlin.

[ laughter ]

There's a good , seconds
where I didn't know

How I was going to turn out,
if I'm gonna be honest

With each other.
Q: And I loved that marlin, too.

And I loved that marlin.

Murr: Marlin and me.

It was marlin and me.

Yeah.

[ laughter ]
[ ding! ]

♪♪

Joe: Q, you're gonna have
somebody coming in in a minute.

Just tell them to take
a seat anywhere, of course,

Except the memorial seat
that you see right there.

R.I.P. Johnny calabash.
R.I.P., baby.

A little crossover
with dinner party

You guys put together
here today.

Here we go.

Hello. Hi.
Hi!

Uh, please have a seat
anywhere you like,

Except for the memorial chair,
of course.
Okay.

Obviously.
Thank you.

This was recent?
Ooh, very recent, yeah.

Morning shift.

Morning shift.
Aw.

They came in here
and brought all that in.

What happened?
He was in a focus group...

Joe: And he was doing great.
...And he was doing great.

Then, all of a sudden...

All of a sudden...
...Out of nowhere...

...Out of nowhere...
...He made funny noises...

...He made, like,
funny noises...
...Fell to the floor...

...Fell to the floor...
...Flipped over...

...Flipped over...
...d*ed.

...d*ed.

[ laughter ]
yeah.

That was today?

That was today.

[ laughter ]

[ whirring ]

Is the a*t*matic vacuum
coming out?

You hate it.

[ chuckles ]

It's your job to clean up.

It's my job to keep
this area clean.

-Murr: Un-oh!
-Joe: Un-oh!

[ laughter ]

He's got flip-flops on!

He can't be --
oh!

Watch your foot!

Watch your foot!
You got toes out.

You didn't think anybody was
gonna see those flip-flops, huh?

[ laughter ]

I can't believe how much
you destroyed that thing.

[ laughter continues ]

"they'll be right with you,
arianna."

Excuse me.
They're gonna be right with you.

Uh...

[ laughter ]

They're gonna
be right...

"miss grande."

[ laughter ]

Sal: "hello, starbucks."

Hey, starbucks.
Yeah, uh...

I'll have a grande.

[ laughter ]

Okay, guys.

I can't do it, guys.

Well, I'll give you another one.
We'll give you another one.

Murr: Yeah, we'll give you
another one, buddy.

"now that's your real hair,
then?"

[ laughter ]

Hey, it's me again.

So, we got a third strike
on this.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, we'll give you one more.
We'll give you one more.

Sal: Sure.

I was squatting over
a handheld mirror the other day.

I didn't like what I saw.

[ laughter ]
sal: Okay. Sure.

Murr: Oh, yeah.
There's no way.

You're not saying it,
right?

I'm assuming
you're not saying it.

You can put it
right here.

[ buzzer! ]
[ laughter ]

Joe: Alright, murr.

The first thing
I want you to say to her is,

"where the hell did you
get that haircut?

It's [bleep] awesome."

[ laughter ]

Where the hell did you
get that [bleep] haircut?

It's awesome.

[ laughter ]

Oh. Thanks.

Sal: Now get up,
walk around,

And change that sign
in front to zero.

The sign being
the one that says,

"it has been
this many days

Since a woman has
been in his office."

Just change this
real quick...

Okay.

[ laughter ]

For some reason,

We've been doing nothing
but male-based focus groups.

They had gillette,
shaving cream for men.

Hang and dangle.
[ chuckles ]

Have you heard
of hang and dangle,

The clothing line?

Do you know the --
the men's -- the clothing --

They're the men's
clothing company.

What was it?
Hanging dangle.

[ laughter ]
hang and dangle.

Hang and dangle.

It's like a male
lululemon.

It's like...
[ laughter ]

It's like a male lululemon.
Okay.

You know? Hang and dangle.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Oh, let me just set
a reminder real quick.

Let me set a reminder.

Hey, siri.
Hey, siri.

Remind me to pick mom up...
Remind me to pick mom up...

...From the doctor tomorrow...
...From the doctor tomorrow...

...At :.
...At : p.M.

Siri: Okay.

I'll remind you to d*ck mom up
at the doctor tomorrow

At :.
Sal: "d*ck mom up."

Didn't realize I have it
connected to bluetooth.

Let me...

Hey, siri, pick mom up
from the doctor.

Okay.

I'll remind you to d*ck mom up
at the doctor tomorrow

At :.

[ stammers ]
yeah.

Hey, siri, pick mom up
from the doctor.

Pick mom up --
okay.

I'll remind you to d*ck mom up
at the doctor tomorrow

At :.

Alright. I guess
I'm dicking up mom.

I guess I'm dicking up --

[ laughter ]

Alright.
I guess I'm dicking up mom.

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]
joe: There it is!

Alright, boys.
Sal's up.

Murr: Here we go, buddy.
Q: Quick question.

Is there any reason you
couldn't be soaking wet today?

Here, let me
ask you a question.

Is there any reason

That you couldn't be
soaking wet today?

Soaking wet.

I mean...

I probably could

If it was for, like,
a focus group.

Okay.
"probably could."

So, business,
not personal.

[ laughter ]

So -- so, business --

So, business,
not personal.

Yeah. [ laughs ]
yeah. Yeah.

Sally, I hid some peanuts
and an inhaler behind the desk.

You see them?

I want you to pop in
some peanuts,

And after each one,

Almost have an allergic reaction
that kills you.

Here he goes.

[ groans ]
[ laughter ]

Murr: Oh, no!

[ gags ]

[ laughter ]

Q: Your throat's closing up,
bud.

You okay?

♪♪

Close one.
[ laughter ]

Q: Keep going.

I -- I'm allergic,
but I love them so much.

That might not be good.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ inhales deeply ]

[ laughter ]
you're a glutton
for punishment.

I used to not be able
to have them at all,

But then when I --

[ groans ]
...When I --

[ coughs ]

Joe:
He's choking for real.

Are you choking for real?
Yeah. [ coughs ]

[ laughter ]

[ inhales sharply ]

[ screeching in distance ]
murr: Uh-oh!

Are those monkeys screaming
again in the kitchen?

Q: Oh, not the monkeys.

Joe: Go get those
monkey, sal.

Uh-oh!

Go silence them.

♪♪

[ screeching in distance ]
murr: Uh-oh!

Are those monkeys screaming
again in the kitchen?

Q: Oh, not the monkeys.

-Go get those monkey, sal.
-Uh-oh!

Give me one second.

Go silence them.

Enough! Enough!
[ screeching stops ]

Go back up.

[ laughter ]
that was so loud.

[ sighs ]

It's gonna be a problem
anymore.

They're actually taking
the focus group test,

The monkeys.

[ laughter ]

The monkeys are taking
their own focus group test.

Oh.

What type of focus group
are they testing?

You know the way they figured
out that monkeys like bananas?

Well, you know the way
they figured out

That monkeys like bananas?

Monkey focus groups.

Monkey focus groups.

Oh, okay.
Yeah.

You know,
elephants and peanuts?

Elephants and peanuts.
Focus groups.
Yeah, yeah.

-Shark, surfers.
-What was the other one?

Sharks, surfers.
Oh, wow.

We never knew it
till the focus group.

[ chuckles ] jeez.

I can't even wait
till they get fully licensed.

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]
joe: There you go, buddy.

Narrator: Q got stuck
in the waiting room,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're teaming up
at jay sweets,

Giving presentations
about event planning

To a room full
of everyday folks.

That doesn't sound easy.
It's not easy, sal,

Because the presentation's
been made by the other guys.

And even though
we're on the same team,

One guy will be giving
the presentation

And the other guy
will play an attendee

That's trying to help him
make sense of it all.

At the end,
we'll ask by show of hands,

Did anybody
learn anything?

And the team with the least
amount of hands raised loses.

-It won't be easy.
-Doesn't sound easy?

It's not easy.

♪♪

Hey, how are you doing?

Oh, no, q's back!

[ laughs ]
q's back!

I forgot
about this character.

Thanks so much. My name is joe,
and I'm an event planner.

We made these slides.
They've never seen them.

Q has to back up
everything joe says.

Here we go.

Maya sol party planning.
That's me.

We've done hundreds --
hundreds of events.

[ laughs ]
"over ."
he has hundreds.

Okay?
Utilize your guests.

Get the fun started
by encouraging

The most attractive guests
in the room to participate.

Wait. What?
[ sal and murr laugh ]

What an icebreaker!
It's an ice breaker.

Now we all get to argue

Whether this is even
a good question to ask.

-Yeah.
-I think we all know it's not.

[ both laugh ]
oh!

Okay. Alright.
We'll -- we'll move on.

In my honest opinion,

Providing
wheelchair accessibility

Is not something to focus on.

[ both laugh ]

Good. Thank you
for not letting him get away

With wheelchair accessibility
doesn't matter.

Q: Well, there's laws
in place, right?

The state and local laws should
have already focused on that.

That's already --
that's already taken care of.

I took it to mean that you
wouldn't even throw an event

At a place that wasn't
wheelchair accessible.

-Yes.
-Gotcha.

Oh, they justified.
[ groans ]

Okay?

Be a beacon of professionalism.

So, guys, here's a real-life
experience I had to deal with.

"year: Two-thou ."

I was in piscataway.

Organized a retirement party.

So the guy's wife
pulls me aside

And makes it very clear
she has an attraction to me.

What do I do?
I resist the urge.

I stay professional,
and I dm her after the event.

[ sal and murr laugh ]

She's not a client anymore
after the event's over.

That's right.

Just to live my life.

You know, take a sh*t.

[ laughs ]

Let's check the next one.

People you should not
expect a tip from.

[ sal laughs ]

The elderly.

Never.

Indians.

[ sal and murr laugh ]
[ audience murmurs ]

No, that's because, in india,

Tipping's considered a bit
of an insult.
Joe: Right.

Good job, q.

Okay.

Native americans.
Girls. Irish girls.

-Wow...
-[ sal and murr laugh ]

Blacks.

Hispanic girls.

Hispanic gays.

Hispanics.

Straights.

Anyone.

Never expect a tip.
Q: Wow!

So, what I was doing here
was to take you down a path

To be like, "don't judge."

There's one more.
Don't expect it from anyone?

[ remote clips ]

-"egypts"?
-Egypts.

[ sal and murr laugh ]

Egypts!

So, now by show of hands,
who feels they learned

Something of value today?

One, two, three, four.

[ ding! ]
wow!

Alright, man.
Come on.

Joe: Alright.
Here we go.

Murr: Alright, guys.

I go around the country,

Teaching people
how to plan events well.

We've made the presentation
for them.

It's murr's job to sell it,
and it's sal's job

To help turn the crowd.
To cheerlead.

Yeah.
He's the cheerleader.

Okay. Tips to make
your party a success.

Make a timeline.

This is critical, okay?

: a.M. -- Clean,
set up the event space.

: p.M. -- Prep the food.

Calm down
with a wine or an edible,

Well, you choose.
[ laughter ]

I like that you're real.
That's real talk.

That's real talk.
'cause I'm into edibles.

I'm into wine.
There you go.

[ both laugh ]
moving on.

Get on board with bastille day.

Okay?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Get on board
with bastille day.

Okay?

[ laughter ]

Bastille day is
the sleeper event of the decade.

I just went to France
for the first time.

-Is that right?
-Yeah.

It's their fourth of July.

It is the party of a century.

Sal:
And especially over there.

We're just learning
about it now, I think.

And, obviously, our democracy is
based on the french democracy.

I mean, obviously.

[ both laugh ]

I'm learning so much
about even planning.

[ both laugh ]

We'll move on.

Food is a must at any event
you throw.

Now a helpful tip.

Remove the skin and membrane
of the animal

Prior to serving his flesh.

[ q and joe laugh ]

Yeah, you don't want
a mouthful of membrane.

I've had it, and it's not --

If you don't know --
if it's not prepared

The right way or whatever...
Joe: Look at the woman!

...It could be pretty insane.

Sometimes, it's nice
to get a chicken nugget.

You know what I'm saying?

[ q and joe laugh ]

Okay.

Get the word out
about your event.

% of people
do not go to events

That they do not know about,
right?

Comparatively,
only .% of americans

Celebrate bastille day.

Right? Let that sink --
[ patriotic music plays ]

Let it sink in.

[ q and joe laugh ]

[ laughs ]

Q: Look, murray can't
keep it together.

[ q and joe laugh ]

Joe: Look at sal!

Sal can't even --

Murr: There you go!

That's what bastille day
is about.

[ laughter ]

It's that
bastille [bleep].

We might have
[bleep] up.

[ patriotic music continues ]

[ q and joe laugh ]

The music's
just playing.

Still playing.

Murr: Come on!
[ q and joe laugh ]

There you go.

By show of hands,
how many of you feel

You've learned something
of value today?

One, two, three, four, five.

Alright!
I will take that.

[ ding! ]
damn it!

Narrator:
Joe and q crashed this party,

Making q tonight's big loser.

Q's our big loser.

We're all at home,

But, q, you don't
have the day off.

If you don't mind,
we need you to run

A couple of errands
for us today.

No, I mind.
I do mind them

I'm hanging out in my robe.
I'm with benjamin cat.

It's a day off.
I mind a lot, actually.

Sure, q, but that's
not how this works.

So, here's what
we need you to do.

There's a car waiting for you
in the lot of our high school,

And that's all I can really
speak on right now.

Yeah, you won't be able
to miss the car.

We promise.
[ laughter ]

Q: Alright. Let me
get dressed, I guess.

♪♪

♪ drive, drive, drive,
drive, drive ♪

♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪

We're like the muppets
right now.

How many songs do they play?

One song?
♪ two, three, four, five ♪

[ laughs ] oh!

Look, is the plan to make me
drive the car off the road?

♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪
I feel like I ate mushrooms.

[ indistinct singing ]
[ cellphone rings ]

[ singing continues ]

[ laughing ]
you [bleep] son of a bitch!

This is going
to drive me insane.

Sorry, but you lost.
Why me?

Give this to sal.

Why did you
make me come here?

Well, I'm hungry.

I need you
to bring me some food.

Oh, my god.
Is that it?

I'm driving around
delivering food,

While this sh*t
plays in the back?

You're "qubereats."

Alright.
What do you want to eat?

One of my favorite restaurants,
unfortunately,

Is midtown manhattan.

Veggie grill.

You want me to drive
into manhattan with this sh*t?!

[ laughs ] I mean, you should
take their advice, buddy.

You got a long day
ahead of you.

You should drive,
drive, drive --

Alright. Alright.
I'm hanging up on you.

Goodbye. I'll see you
in about three hours.

Yeah, goodbye.
Let's drive, drive, drive.

♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪
here we go.

This is gonna
be a long day.

I'm going to buy
into this,

And I'm gonna try
and enjoy this song

For as long as I can.

At least
there's no traffic.

♪ four, five ♪

♪ let's drive, drive, drive,
drive, drive ♪

♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪

[ laughs ] hey!

Just cruising around
the greatest city in the world.

♪ four, five ♪

With a bunch of singing puppets.

♪ drive, drive, drive,
drive, drive ♪

[ faintly ]
♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪

Oh, my god. Let's get this food
and get it to gatto.

[ ding! ]

Now we're headed
to joe gatto's house.

Hour, , two hours away,

So do me a favor, guys.

Keep singing this [bleep] song
the entire way.

♪ drive ♪

♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪

This is the worst
road trip ever.

[ singing continues ]
[ metal creaks ]

[bleep] this song.

The squeaking --
it sounds like a mouse orgy

Is taking place
in this car now.

♪ drive, drive, drive,
drive, drive ♪

Oh, my god! It sucks!

I'm gonna need therapy
after this.

[ ding! ]
[ horn honks ]

Here you go.
What'd you do to it?

I didn't do anything to it.
That's good.

You didn't
get it from me.

Laxative?
I don't know.

Murray's food might get
something in it.

Oh!
[ laughs ]

So who am I
going to now?

I'm pretty sure sal.

So, I'm driving back
to staten island?

Bye, buddy.

Is that the fountain
sal got you?

[ laughs ] oh!

Ha ha ha ha!
Take that!

Take your stupid fountain.

d*ck!

[ ding! ]

One delivery down.
Two to go.

[ cellphone rings ]

Oh, my god.
It's unbearable.

Yeah, I know.

Alright. So listen, buddy.
This is what I want.

I want the crave case.
I want it with cheese.

I want it from the white castle
in the bronx

That we filmed at.

Come on, man!
You're two hours away!

♪ one, two, three, four, five ♪

Bronx. There's a white castle
on staten island.

It's not even far
from sal's place.

♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪

This song just
obliterates thought.

I can't even focus
on anything.

Ah! White castle.

♪ two, three, four, five ♪

[ ding! ]
alright.

Next stop --
staten island, baby.

♪ drive, drive, drive,
drive, drive ♪

Oh, my god!
This [bleep] traffic!

[ horns blare ]

[ indistinct singing ]
[ horns blaring ]

Oh, my god!

♪ two, three, four, five ♪

[ horns blaring ]
this [bleep] traffic!

Oh, god.

Why traffic?

I feel like
I'm gonna start crying.

[ horns blaring ]

[ ticking ]

♪ one, two, three, four, five ♪

[ sighing ] oh!

[ cellphone rings ]

♪ drive, drive, drive ♪
where are you?

Oh, my god!

I hope somebody
firebombs me.

[ music plays faintly ]

♪ one, two, three, four, five ♪

I'm gonna drive us
right off this bridge.

♪ let's drive, drive, drive,
drive, drive ♪

Oh, my god. At least we're back
on staten island for a minute.

[ ding! ]
let's deliver this crap.

[ horn honks ]
oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, shut up.
♪ are we there yet? ♪

♪ well, then it's one, two,
three, four, five ♪

There's your crave case.

[ laughing ]
you look like sh*t.

Dude, I am harrowed.

That song
is all over you.

[ both laugh ]

Good job, buddy.

-Thank you.
-Keep it up.

Lunch!

[ cellphone rings ]
murr: Hey, q!

Aw!

You look like
you're having a blast.

I got it.
I got the routine.

Just tell me
what you want.

What did the other guys do?
What did sal get?

Sal wanted
white castle.

Oh, my god.
That sounds perfect.

I would love white castle, too,
but the one in the bronx.

You want me to go all the way
back to the bronx,

Where I just came from?
I want the best,

And that's my favorite one.
It's not happening.

I'll make a deal with you.

Joe gave me this laxative
to slip into your food.

I promise to not mess
with your food at all

If you just let me go

To the white castle
on the way to you.

Please!

My friend,
you have a deal.

Absolutely!
Ahhhhh!

A white castle on the way
is a-okay with me.

♪ let's drive, drive, drive,
drive, drive ♪

White castle.

Yes!

♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪
here you go.

Thank you!
[ ding! ]

Alright. Let's get this
to murray's house.

♪ well, then it's one,
two, three, four, five ♪

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

The squeaking's gotta stop.

♪ ...Drive ♪
[ squeaking stops ]

♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪

Enough with the squeaking.

Oh, my god!

♪ well, then it's one, two,
three, four, five ♪

Choke on it!

♪ let's ♪

I think I fixed the squeaking,
guys. [ laughs ]

No more squeaking.

[ upbeat music plays ]

[ singing gibberish ]

♪ then it's time to drive,
drive, drive, drive ♪

[ ding! ]
[ horn honks ]

-Hey!
-[ laughs ]

You made it!

Hey, bud.
How you doing?

Oh, my god.

Congratulations, q.

It's over.
It's over?

Well, bad news for you.

I'm never getting
in this car again.

So, see you later.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Q,
you're blocking my car in.

I'm not blocking nothing.
I don't own that.

That's not mine.

What, are you ki--

Can I give you
a ride home?

Nah, I'm good, bud.

♪ drive, drive, drive,
drive, drive, drive ♪

[ cackles ]