09x04 - Poetry Slammed

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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09x04 - Poetry Slammed

Post by bunniefuu »

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
q revealing his dinner secrets?

[ as bane ] well, typically,
I feast in darkness.

[ laughter ]

Why is sal such a bawler?

[ voice breaking ]
okay, bye.

Are you
actually crying?
He's actually crying.

Narrator:
And which losing joker

Will get alliterated
in tonight's poetic punishment?

"bam!"
[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
"I'm the party pup."

Alright, today,
we're at dekalb market hall

Where we'll be
sitting alongside strangers

Answering questions
for a fake "documentary."

The documentary
will be filmed by our crew,

And all we have to do

Is answer the questions
without laughing.

The catch is our
answers will be given to us

By the other guys.

Whoever
laughs the most loses.

♪♪

Here we go,
boys.

Sal: We've played
this game before.

We are participating in
a "fake documentary."

Joe: This is
our real crew out there.

This is pete,
our producer.

You know, obviously,
the person to our right

Does not know
what's going on.

Pete: So, I want to begin
with cole.

Describe
your workout routine.

I guess
just some cardio,

But that's about it.

Brian,
describe your workout routine.

"so, I do dip-dups..."

So,
I do dip-dups..."

"...Bang-a-rangs..."
...Bang-a-rangs...

"...A set of jangles..."
...A set of jangles...

"...Shups and cruns..."
...Shups and crumbs...

"...Dips and squats..."
...Dips and squats...

"...Jacks and lungees."
...Jacks and lungees.

Sal: "then I strip down
to my charlies..."

Then I strip down
to the charlies.

"...Then jog in place
till I crap myself."

Then I just...
[ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Then on the treadmill,
I jog in place...

♪♪

...Till I crap myself.

[ laughter ]

Pete: Cole.
[ chuckling ] yes.

What's the most exotic cuisine
you've ever tried?

Probably the most exotic
is cactus.

Brian?

Murr: "once when
I was in college..."

Well, once when
I was in college...

"...I ate
some puerto rican kid's ashes."

...I was in frat

And accidentally ate
some puerto rican kid's ashes.

[ laughter ]

Cole, walk us through
your ideal dining experience.

Ideal dining experience?

[ coughs ]

You're in trouble.
He's dancing.

Sal's dancing
back here.

Brian?
Sal: Okay, ready?

In a bane voice,
say,

[as bane] "typically,
I feast in darkness."

Ideal dining experience?

[ as bane ]
well, um...

Typically,
I feast in darkness.

[ laughter ]

I thought
I was gonna get him!

Alright, brian, you describe
your personal style.

"oh, aging basic-cable
reality star with cool hats."

Yeah. [ laughs ]

Murr: Got him!

I'm gonna say
aging basic-cable reality star

With cool hats.

Yep.

[ laughter ]

Thank you so much.
That's it?

That's it.
Good job, q.

Wasn't my best showing,
I'll tell you that much.

[ ding! ]

[ laughter ]

So, we're gonna be talking
about relationships.

Stanley,
what would you say --

What are the attributes
of a healthy relationship?

Just listening.

Joe?

"relationships are,
you know, % mental..."

Relationships are
% mental...

"...% physical..."
...% physical...

"after my
horse accident..."

I mean,
after my horse accident...

"...It was
zero percent physical

Until
my walnuts re-descended."

...It was
zero percent physical

Until I got the walnuts
back down.

They re-descended.

[ laughter ]

Stanley,
describe the best trip

You've taken
with a partner.

What we did
was we went to the movies.

We went to trader joe's
and we got a bottle of wine

And we drank it at chipotle,
and we went to...

Q:
Look at joe.

...A reiki.

Joe?

Oh, man.
"it was in Italy."

I was in Italy.

"I just don't remember
exactly where."

I don't remember
exactly where in Italy.

"naples?"

I think the area
was a little confusing.

It was in naples...

Sal:
"or bibity dibity..."

Or it could've been bib--
could've been bibity dibity.

It was either
eastern napledon...

"you know
that stupid [bleep] boot?"

You know
there's a stupid [bleep] boot,

And it's kicking --

It's basically
the [bleep] heel here.

But it was --
the scenery, you can't b*at.

"I told you about
my d*ck nuts, right?"

[ laughter ]

Call 'em d*ck nuts.

[ laughter ]

I told you guys
about my d*ck nuts, right?

[ laughter ]

Sal's down!

I'm sorry, I was
a little roundabout, but Italy.

[ laughter ]

Joe.
Yeah.

What do you think is
your most attractive quality?

"once they drop..."
once they drop...

"...My d*ck nuts
are great."

[ laughs ]

On--

Pete,
once they drop...

...My d*ck nuts
will be great.

[ chuckles ]

There we go!

Took forever.

So, joe, now, tell me about
your best valentine's day.

"February , ..."

I would say
February , ...

"...My girlfriend at the time
d*ed."

...My girlfriend at the time
had passed away.

"thanks for bringing it up,
mcfartland."

Thanks for bringing it up,
mcfartland.

[ laughter ]

Pete --
pete mcfartland.

[ laughter ]

Pete mcfar--

Pete mcfartland
is on your license.

Can you say
"pete mcfartland"?

Pete: Don't say it.
Don't say it.

Stanley,
don't you [bleep] say it.

[ laughter ]

Alright, joe,
go grow some d*ck nuts.

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]

Joe: Here we go,
boys.

Uh, mary,
what do you do to relax?

I don't.
[ laughs ]

That's the short answer.

James,
what do you do to relax?

"I blindfold myself..."

I blindfold myself...

"...And play the trumpet
to my plants."

...And play the trumpet
to my plants.

Sal:
Look at her face.

[ laughter ]

Describe
your ideal roommate.

Mary.

I guess, like,
ideally,

My roommate would just be,
like, a dog by itself.

James.

"literally any age..."

Literally any age...

Q:
"...Any race..."

...Any race...
"...Any career..."

...Any career...
"...But ideally..."

...But ideally...

"...A young
white banker."

...A young
white banker.

[ laughter ]

Ideally.

Yeah, yeah.

Q:
Wow, murr!

James,
describe your workout routine.

Joe: Get offended.
Get offended, murr.

Why do you want to know
my workout routine?

Like,
I'm not answering that.

That's too personal.

[ laughter ]

Pete, describe your worst
relationship right now.

Murray,
jump in on it.

Uh, describe your
worst relationship.

Oh,
that's easy.

It was samantha from atlanta.
She was intolerable.

[ laughter ]

Let me tell you,
she had the worst habits.

"we weren't
sexually compatible."

We weren't
sexually compatible.

"I was an outie."

I was an out--
[ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, we got him!

Okay, james,
we'll stick with you.

What do you do
for fun?

What do I do
for fun?

"I've been
weakening the glass

At the
coney island aquarium."

[ laughter ]

I've -- I've been
slowly weakening the glass

At the
coney island aquarium.

[ laughter ]

Look at her!

"every day,
I tap the same spot times."

Every day,
I tap the same spot times.

"I'm gonna k*ll
that [bleep] manatee

If it's the last thing
I do."

[ laughter ]

Got him again!

I'm gonna k*ll
that [bleep] manatee

If it's the last thing
I do.

Pete: Alright,
we're done here.

Oh, well,
that was easy.

[ ding! ]

Alright.

Murr:
Here we go.

So, this is
"voices of brooklyn."

Pete: We're gonna be
talking about relationships.

Tyrone,
describe your ideal date.

Uh, meeting someplace,
probably for dinner.

Q: Hey, sal, take a look
at your cameraman today,

See if you notice anything
on your --

[ laughter ]

Murr: Good luck
keeping a straight face now.

Q: Hey, sal, take a look
at your cameraman today.

[ laughter ]

Murr: Good luck
keeping a straight face now

Because baby blue is
staring at you the whole time.

How about you,
sal?

Describe your ideal date.

Murr: "I just want someone
to cr*ck my back."

Um...

[ laughter ]

Joe's eating
a banana!

Just want someone to, like,
cr*ck my back, you know?

I'll cr*ck it.

[ laughter ]

Tyrone, what would you say
is your most attractive quality?

Probably my
outgoing character.

Sal, what do you think is
your most attractive quality?

"uh, I'm like
the ellis island of sex."

Well,
I've been called --

I'm like
the ellis island of sex.

Q: "I'll get busy
with any filthy specimen

That washes up
on my shores."

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

As far as
where my relationships go,

I don't discriminate.

Stop saying
other words!

"I'll have sex
with any filthy specimen..."

You know...

Look at joe.

...I'll have relations

With any specimen,
really, that...

"filthy specimen."

You know,
any filthy specimen

That washes up
on my shores, really.

I'm just
a people lover.

"filthy people lover."

"I'm a filthy
people lover."

[ laughter ]

A filthy
people lover.

[ laughter ]

Q: He looks
genuinely uncomfortable.

You look miserable
right now.

Joe's getting warm.

Oh, no.

This is
the last question.

Tell me about
your best valentine's day.

Look at the top
he's got on!
What is that,
a camisole?

[ laughter ]

A little warm,
huh?

It's hot as sh*t
in here.

[ laughter ]

Murr:
That's a laugh.

Pete: Sal, would you like
to take this one?

Yeah, I-I don't --
I don't --

I don't celebrate
valentine's day.

[ laughter ]

That's it.

Should we have
been recording?

Wait, what?
You didn't roll yet?

I thought
this was a rehearsal.

That wasn't a rehearsal
for me.

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]

Narrator: Unfortunately for sal,
this was no rehearsal.

He's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we'll be sitting
in a waiting room

Having over-the-top arguments
on our cellphones.

After we hang up,

We'll be given the reason
that we were so upset.

The goal is to convince
the other person waiting

That you
did not overreact!

If they think you overreacted,
you lose.

[bleep]
aah!

♪♪

Joe: Here we go.
Alright, murr, you ready?

Ready to go.

So, murr's just gonna have to
flip out a little bit

And see if
his fight is justified.

Nice to meet you.

You can grab a spot
right there.

I'm gonna
go get the client,

And he should be down
in just a second.

Do these things often?

A couple times,
but always in a city, you know?

Never --
oh, okay.
Never out here?

I'm just having a health issue
right now.

I'm feeling
very lightheaded.

Are you really?
Yeah.

Uh-oh.

You think it was that king-sized
cheesecake you just ate?

No, no,
that made me feel good.

Might need
to double down on it.

We need ccs of cheesecake,
stat!

ccs of cheesecake!

Marisa!

What's going on?

Joe: Guys, murr's already
into it. Just go.

This is --
this is the reality?
This is
what we're doing.

Go get 'em, murr!

[ gags ]

Murr, we're just gonna do this
while joe gets checked out --

Remember me, murr!

Win for me!
...Emts.

You sure?

Gonna bring up
pictures of my children.

[ laughter ]
alright.

Is it getting --
is it getting bright in here?

Q:
Alright, we're good.

Go ahead, murr,
start your argument.

Hello?
That's insane.

Why would you even
think that?

She's in.
Why would you
say that?

I can't believe you would think
that I would do that.

What -- why?
What's going through your head?

I can't do
anything about it now.

I'm done
with the conversation.
Are you okay?

I'm done with the conversation.
We'll talk about it tonight.

Goodbye.

Everything's okay?

"well, fella,
I'm engaged."

[ laughter ]

Well, fella,
I'm engaged.

You -- oh.

I can't believe
I'm engaged.

[ laughter ]

Who proposes over the phone?
I was kind of forced into it.

Wait, wait, time-out.

Did you just say
you proposed over the phone?

[ laughter ]

I was just forced into
getting engaged.

Did I overreact,
fella?

No.
No!

Oh,
he didn't overreact.

He did it!

I probably would've reacted
that way, too.

Anybody would've reacted
the same way.

Joe:
Great job, buddy.

You okay?

Yeah, she said it was
a sugar crash.

Q:
So we were right.

He ate so much cheesecake
so fast,

Two paramedics had to come
and tell him he was okay.

[ laughter ]

He ate this much cake --
the size of my hand.

We only had a -minute break
and I had to go.

I'm so glad
the evidence is still here.

And then, I mean,
it was moments --

It was moments
before he went,

"oh,
something's not right."

[ laughing ]

This is like
, calories!

Jesus almost gave me
the big thumbs-down.

Murr: Here we go,
buddy.

Cole, before you leave, say,
"my name's joffrey.

I will return."

Um,
my name is joffrey,

And I-I will return.

Okay.

[ laughter ]

Man,
he delivers a line!

Sorry.

Hello?

Hey.

No, no, no, no.
Not again.

This is not how I do things.
We talked about this.

This is not how I do things,
and you're the problem.

Okay, not me.

Fine. Alright.

[ phone thuds ]

[ sighs ]

You okay?

Murr:
"my super-hot wife

Just spent all her allowance
on lingerie again."

[ laughter ]

My super-hot wife

Just spent all her allowance
on lingerie again.

So...

[ laughter ]

I know --
believe me.

Look,
I give her an allowance.

"$, a week."

It's not much.
It's, you know, a pittance.

It's about
$, a week,

And she blows it
on lingerie.

And I'm always coming home
and she's in some sexy lingerie.

She's doing it
for you.

"it's her allowance,
but I won't allow it."

It's her allowance,
but I won't allow it.

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

Did I overreact?

Maybe a little,
yeah.

[ laughter ]

Sal:
You had no chance.
Murr: No chance.

Q:
Here we go.

Oh, hey.

How are you?

[ chuckles ] great.

[ laughter ]

Okay,
when it's my turn to respond,

I guess
you'll just let me know.

Ooh.
Oh!

No, you listen. I let you talk,
now you listen to me, okay?

This is the last time I'm gonna
let you do it. The last time!

Murr:
Hang up.

Enough's enough
with it.

"nana's making
[bleep] spaghetti again."

[ laughter ]

Joe:
No, you listen.

I let you talk,
now you listen to me, okay?

This is the last time I'm gonna
let you do it. The last time!

Murr:
Hang up.

Enough's enough
with it.

"nana's making
[bleep] spaghetti again."

[ laughter ]

My nana's making
[bleep] spaghetti again.

[ laughter ]

How many pounds of spaghetti
does a guy got to eat?

"look what spaghetti
has made of me."

Murr: "look what it's done
to me."

I just can't say no
to the spaghetti.

You see what it's done to me
after all the years.

"I'm in my mid-s.

I can't be eating spaghetti
like this all the time."

I'm in my mid-s.

I can't be
eating spaghetti like this.

How much longer
do you think I got?

You don't look it.

I don't look it?
Oh, thanks, man.

Hey! Alright!

Did I overreact?

Uh...

Maybe a little bit.

[ laughter ]

Joey gatto goes down!

Uh, yes, we're ready
for the -year-old.

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]

Joe: Alright, sal,
you're up.

Hello,
how are you?

What's your name?
Lee.

Lee.
You can grab a seat.

Joe: Wait till
it gets quiet, cole,

And then all of a sudden go,
"I'm joffrey!"

I'm joffrey!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god!

Oh!
Oh, my god!

Just about ready.

I'm gonna go see

And make sure
they come to the right room.

♪♪

Javier bardem in
"did I overreact?"

Hello.

Yeah, I-I'll be about
another half-hour maybe.

What?

[ voice breaking ]
are you serious?

[ laughter ]

[ sniffles ] why would you
tell me this right now?

I'm at work.

Murr:
Oh, man.

Well,
I'm very upset about it.

He's crying.

He's cry--
are you actually crying?

He's actually crying.

[ sniffles ]
okay, bye.

Oh, man.

Are you okay?

"it might rain tomorrow."

[ laughter ]

It might rain tomorrow.

[ laughter ]

It's raining right now.

It's raining now!
That's the funny part.

Where am I gonna find
an umbrella at this hour?

[ laughter ]

Don't worry,
I have like five in my car.

You'd lend me
your umbrella?

You can actually
keep it.

I can keep
your umbrella?

[ laughter ]

[ laughing ]
that's the nicest thing

Anyone's ever said
to me.

[ laughter ]

He's losing it!

Oh, man.

Do you think
I overreacted?

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

Just a little.
Murr:
Just a little!

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]

Narrator: Now sal really
has something to cry about.

He's tonight's big loser.

Alright!
Yeah!

Sal is
our loser today.

Yeah, so we thought,
plain and simple,

We'd send him
to a poetry class...
Sure.

...To rip apart
other people's poems

And then present the
poem that we've written
for you at the end.

Murr: Alright.

Yeah, you're just gonna crap
all over people

And then you're gonna
stand in front of them

And read a poem
we wrote you.

Sal, to be
or not to be a d*ck.

[ laughter ]

Welcome to gotham
writers' workshop, everyone.

Joe: So, these are real poets
with the group gotham writers

That have come to do
a real class with a real teacher

Who happens
to be on our side.

Q: They'll be in the class
with a real jerk.

Murr: Yes.

So, who would like
to start?

Come on up.
Yeah, you can come on up.

Here we go.

"cozy in between
with the smell of campfire.

Like a blanket wrapped around me
scented of cinnamon,

The perfect trio
of companions,

The ever-tasty s'more."

[ applause ]

That was a pretty good poem.
She's pretty good.
It was great.

It was really nice
and felt very well-drafted.

"eh..."

[ laughter ]

Eh, um...

Yes.

"I didn't believe you."

[ laughter ]

Woman:
"the perfect trio of companions,

The ever-tasty s'more."

[ applause ]

"eh..."

[ laughter ]

Eh, um...

Yes.

"I didn't believe you."

[ laughter ]

I-I think it could be
because of the set-up,

But I had trouble...

Believing you.

Ooh!

Q: "but..."
but -- but...

"but very nicely done.

Strong first draft."

[ laughter ]

Very nicely done.

Um...

Solid --
solid first draft.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Joe:
Wow, look at him.

Look, he's miserable!

His hair's flopped over,
he's sweating.

♪♪

Alright.
"scared as [bleep]"

"so [bleep] nice.

I will spend
the rest of my entire life

Searching for
those happy little pills.

I knew you must've left
a few behind."

[ applause ]

I really just love
how raw that was.

"eh..."
joe: "eh..."

"maybe the next draft,
no curses."

I -- you had me hooked
immediately.
Thank you.

A little less poop mouth,
but other than that, it's great.

[ laughter ]

[ sighs ]
this is brutal.

Man:
"karly, not now.

Don't touch it,
even if you've asked.

I'm not a pet."

[ applause ]

Any comments?

"one critique --
maybe more words."

[ laughter ]
yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah,
I'm sorry.

If I could add
anything at all,

It would just probably be,
uh, words.

Whoa.

Well, they're --
they're a haiku.

Murr: They're starting
to realize he's an idiot, huh?

Thank you so much.

[ applause ]

"'it smells like winter,'
she said,

While laying sideways
on his unkempt, warm bed.

He knew the end was near,
but not how or when it would be,

Making infatuation disappear."

"I loved it."

I-I loved it. Sorry, didn't mean
to cut, but I loved it, for one.

Thank you.

"it reminds me
of the very best..."

It reminds me of,
um, the very --

The very best...

"...Greeting card."

[ laughs ]

...Like,
greeting card.

[ scoffs ]
[ laughter ]

"I mean this
as a compliment.

You're a writer,
not a performer."

[ sighs ]

My final thought would be,
like, you are a writer.

Not a performer,
but you're a writer.

Oh!

[ laughter ]

Sal!
He's dead!

Just d*ed inside!

[ laughter ]

Joe: Alright, sal,
you ready for your turn?

Man: Alright.
Moving right along.

Who hasn't gone?
Would you like to go?

Alright.

Joe: Perform to the best
of your ability.

He's seeing it
for the first time right now.

Here we go,
here we go.

[ sighs ]

"I am the road not taken."

[ laughter ]

"bam!

The truck hit me.

Wah! Wah! Wah!

The ambulance get me."

[ laughter ]

"hot, sticky, sweaty birth.

Hot, cold stank.

[ whispering ] death."

[ laughter ]

"the brain bone is connected
to the heart bone.

My bone
is c-connected to your bone."

♪♪

"we bone.

Knick-knack paddy wack,
give this pup a bone.

I'm the party pup."

[ laughter ]

"awoo!

Woof, woof! You need a hug?

Awoo, woof, woof!

I sh*t the rug."

[ laughter ]

"never pay retail."

[ laughter ]

Ah, sal!

Thank you.
Murr:
Oh, my god!

Any thoughts?

Who's got
some thoughts?

I guess I kind of got
a little bit disconnected

Because there were
a lot of cliches.

Yeah,
it's pretty basic.

[ laughter ]

Alright.
Alright, thanks.

Alright.

Yes, yes.

Sal, good job, buddy.
Party pup in the house!

In the house!

Nailed it.

[ laughter ]

Alright.
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