09x08 - Space Oddity

[bunniefuu]

[party horns blowing]

Joe: It's
the old switcheroo!

Murr: He doesn't know that
he's getting punished.

Joe: We've been keeping this
secret for a long time,

And I can't wait
to reveal it.

[laughter]

I don't know if this
is a good idea.

This is insane.

Who allowed us
to do this?

You son of a bitch.

Joe: I got the fat sweats.

Sal: Wow!
What is that?

I'm so excited.

Sal: Still
surprised every day
with this show.

Jokers: Well...

Today, we're
teaming up

At skydive long island
in calverton,

Teaching people
how to jump out
of planes.

Well...

Maybe we're not,
murr.

Q: Maybe it's your
punishment.

No, no, no, it's not.
No, it is not.

There's no [bleep] way.

No. No. No.

No, no, no!

So murray thought we
were coming here

To teach classes today,
but in fact,

It's his punishment.

Q: Murray is deathly,
deathly afraid
of skydiving.

His entire life saying
he will never do it.

What if this
goes wrong, guys?

Well, we'll mourn you.
Ha ha ha!

I'm shaking right now.

Sal: Wait. Hold on.
Holy [bleep]

He has a heart.

[laughter]

Only one way
out now, murr.

Guys, I can't do this.

I'm gonna lose
my [bleep], man.

Oh, my god.

Why are we still
going up?

Q: Murr!

[screaming]

Oh, my god.

Murr: Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

[whimpering]

[others talking
at once]

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Q: Oh, my god!

Geronimo!

[screaming]

Oh, oh. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Did the parachute
go off?

Don't drop me, man.
Don't drop me.

I'm not gonna fall?

You're not
falling, man.

Holy [bleep].

I need
new best friends.

[breathing heavily]

Hey, buddy.
You're all
getting a punch.

What do you mean
I'm getting a punch?
You're getting it,

So accept it and move on.
You got punished.

What are you
talking about?
Step down and accept it.

Ha ha ha! Look.

[laughter]

Murr: Today, we're here
for sal's punishment,

And if you notice,
there's no sal.

Yeah, that's because
he's on his way here

To what he thinks is
a challenge,

And he'll be getting
on to this floor
using that elevator.

The thing is there is
no challenge,

And that is
our elevator.

We control where it goes,
who gets on it,

When it gets stuck.
Yup, yup, yup.

Oh, I hope it
doesn't get stuck.

Guys, it's
getting stuck!

Joe: Look at sal.
Not a care in the world...

Until...Right now.

[thump]

Oh.
Murr: Oh.

[squealing]

This is--

[pressing buttons]

[coughs]

Um...

[jokers laughing]

This is sal's
worst nightmare.

He's in a confined box
with a sick person.

[coughing]

[bell rings]

You should, uh, cover
your mouth when you cough.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

[jokers laughing]

Hello?

Hold on.
We're working on it.

Sal: Thank you.

Get comfortable.

You might be in
there a while, ok?

[bleep] [bleep].

It's ok. It's ok.

What's in the bag?

Just a cat.

[jokers laughing]

Murr: Sal hates cats.

[jokers laughing]

Now he's stuck
in the elevator

With a sick dude
and a hairless cat.

I don't think you
should have that out.

You know what?
He just gets freaked
out a little bit.

Dude, can you turn
around and cough?

Sorry. Sorry.

Sal: Can you give us just
a little information?

You wouldn't
understand.

You wouldn't understand.
I'm sorry.

Oh, my god.

I can't believe
he just said that.

Holy [bleep]!

I feel like I'm
going crazy.

Let's go make some noise.
Yeah, let's go.

[party horns blowing]

[jokers shouting]

Joe: You did it.
[bleep]!

You did it!

Sal: All right. So it's
joe's punishment today.

You might notice he
is not with us.

Mm-hmm.

That's because we sent him
on a wild goose chase

Today while we
post up at his house

And prepare
his birthday gift.

Right now, our crew
is inside joe's house

Helping us get
his present ready.

We're just gonna hang
today and wait

Till he gets here.

Joey is now pulling
up to his house.

He has no idea
what to expect.

"happy birthday!" oh.

Q: Here he goes,
here he goes.

[door opening]

[jokers laughing, clapping]

Joe: So my whole house
is covered

In wrapping paper.

This is insane.

[jokers laughing]

This is some serious--
this is a fire hazard.

[jokers laughing]

Hey, buddy.
What's up?

Oh, there you are.
Hey, boys.

Sal: We're
in a secret location.

You're probably
wrapped somewhere.

Boys, you need me to
find you?

Make noise.

You wrapped my bananas? Guys.

Are these all presents?

Murr: Anything with bows
on it is special.

Ha ha ha!

Like I'd have this up
in my home.

We replaced all
joe's photos.

Yup. There he is.

Oh, there he is.

Yup. There's the sexiness.

Yup. That's when I had
my [bleep] out at a urinal.

Party's over.

[jokers laughing]

It's all connected.

This is only one
part of the house!

You know what?
I'm just gonna move.

Sal: Today, we're
at artevino studio

Teaching a mommy
and me art class.

Hi, everybody.

Ready to do this?
Oh, excellent.

This is what
I like to see.

Q, go behind the kid
in a green shirt.

What--what's
your name, buddy?

Matthew.
Matthew.

Lean in and just
go softly,

"you think you're
better than me?"

[whispering]
matty.
Yeah?

What, do you think
you're better than me?

Yeah.

Everybody thinks
they're better than me.

Now, q, to your right,
there's a cup

Filled with red paint,

And then grab
a big paintbrush,

And then I just want you
to pick any canvas

You want and draw a huge x
from corner to corner.

Ha ha ha!

Sal: I mean,
it's not doable.

I wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't do it.

Oof. I think I'm just gonna
draw a red x on my head,

You know what
I'm saying?

Oh, that's interesting
because we just checked

The scoreboard, buddy.

You lost this episode.

[laughter]

Here's your
punishment, bud.

Draw an x on every
canvas in the room.

Look at all
these canvases.

What is your
punishment, jerk?

Oh, my god.

This is basically
the--impossible.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Here's your
punishment, bud.

Draw an x on every
canvas in the room.

Look at all
these canvases.

What is your
punishment, jerk?

Oh, my god.

This is basically
the--impossible.

Everybody's
looking good.

Let's see each painting.

All right.

Oh, I like your cat.

Oh, I love
your little cat.

Oh, my god.
This is tough.

[grunts]

Sal: Here we go.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Red x.

Murr: Oh. Ohh!

Q: That's good.

Murr: No.

Joe: All right, bud.
Keep going.

What do we got here?

Sal: Oh, my god.

Joe: Aww. How cute.

Oh, god.
Oh, my god.

Murr: Oh, no.

[q groans]

Joe: Ha ha ha!

Murr: No! No!

Oh, that's a cute bear.
That's...

Oh, my god.

Murr: Oh, no.

Not the pig!
Not the pig!

What are you doing?
Not the pig!

Sal: Oh, my god.

Oh, boy.

Murr: Here's number .

Joe: They know
it's coming.

Oh, my god. Oh.

Murr: No.

My life is horrible.

[jokers laughing]

Q: Oh, my god.
I am so sorry.

Oh, man.

Joe: So today,
we're here

At the midtown
amateur

Bodybuilding qualifier
for murr's punishment.

You're gonna have to go
out there and pose down

And compete in
a bodybuilding competition

In front of hundreds
of strangers.

And please note that you
do not look like them.

Oh, my god.

We got to oil you up.

Rub it in, baby.
Rub it in.

What is this?
Bronzer, bro.

Oh, my god.

Q: Oh. You're gonna
look good, bro.

Q: You are glistening.

James, we're
ready for you.

All right, murr. Good luck.
God bless america.

Have some fun
out there.

Have some fun
out there.

Joe: Here we go.

Q: All right.
So murray's on his way

To take part
in a bodybuilding competition.

Well...

Behind the door
is gonna be

A celebrity that is
murray's childhood crush.

Q: Here we go, here we go.

Woman: Give me
one second.

Here we go. Here we go.

Right through here.
Yeah.

Q: Oh, [bleep]!

Joe: It's
danica mckellar,

Winnie cooper from
"the wonder years."

Oh.

[jokers laughing]

You have to interview
winnie cooper,

Your
childhood crush.

Ahem. I think this
is your seat.

[jokers laughing]

Q: If murray had one person
over the years

That he said he had
a crush on...

Hi, danica.

It was her.
It was winnie cooper.

It was winnie cooper.

Ahem. Whoa!

[jokers laughing]

Q: Look at her face!

How did--it's so
good for you to be
here today.

Thank you.

You've recently been
making the rounds

To promote the th
anniversary
of "wonder years,"

My favorite
show growing up.

How has that been?

[jokers laughing]

It's been--
it's been great.

Truth or dare.
I'll go first.

Truth. I used to kiss
a poster of you

When I was younger
with tongue.

Joe: That's true,
that's true.

He told us that!

He told us that.
That's absolutely
a truth!

Seriously?

I had a poster
of you in my room,

And, uh, I used
to french it.

That's pretty gross.
All right. Next.

Ok. Is this--ugh!

Is this the proper
way to do a squat?

[jokers laughing]

Like that?
It's pretty good.

Joe: Murr, now flex.
Flex.

Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it.

[jokers laughing]

Look at her face!

[exhales]

Joe: Hold it.
Hold it.

[jokers laughing]

Q: Aw!

Joe: Your ass cheeks.

Oh, come on.

That--that's cool.
You don't have
to do any more.

That's ok.

[meow]

Q: Over the years,
we have catalogued

All of sal's fears
and phobias.

Yeah. So what we're gonna
do is just basically

t*rture him without
him realizing it

And pretending it's
all coincidental

Until he drives
himself insane.

I am so excited!
I am so excited!

, , !

Today, we're in
the streets going up

To strangers and giving
them some lessons

About manners.

Well...

Don't [bleep]
do that.

Is this a joke?

I mean,
you got--you got

The urban bungee
right there, sal.

Q: Look at those
safety harnesses.

I cannot believe this
is happening to me.

It looks like
it goes higher.

I cannot...
Joe: It's not.

It's not.
What?

We're kidding.
We're kidding.
That's not us.

I'm not doing that?

You see that
in the park,
you run with it.

You know, we
can't let that
opportunity slip.

Joe: All right, sal, you
ready for your turn?

Sal: Let's do it.

Q: Whoa, you know, those
sneakers are jumping

Off the screen right now.

They really are.
Sal: All right.

Don't stand next to
that wet cement

Being poured
in front of you.

Joe: Yeah. That'll be like
a punishment

If you had nice shoes on
and you had to walk through--

Well...

Maybe you have to walk
through the wet cement

With your brand-new
shoes, buddy.

Joe: I'm just kidding.

[laughter]

Joe: All right.
Ready boys?

Oh. What's that
right behind you?

Murr: It's a truck
in the sh*t.

What's that? A cat adoption
they got going on?

Cat adoption
truck?

[laughter]

Joe: What's that
right behind you?

Murr: It's a truck
in the sh*t.

What's that? A cat adoption
they got going on?

Cat adoption
truck?

Sal: Guys, I--I'm gonna
need to know now.

Well...

Joe: Maybe you've got to
into that truck,

Pick up a cat,
walk through the cement.

Sal: I'm supposed
to be here?

Man: Are you supposed
to be here?

Sal, they're really having
a cat event, you idiot.

Are you here for me?

I am here because we're
doing an adoption event.

Murr: You dumbass.

It's a real
adoption event.

Guys, I can't
take it anymore.

Q: Sal, yell at the guy
in the restaurant

From across the way to
sit up straight.

Yeah. Ha ha ha!

Murr: Is that
sal's father?

What a coincidence!

Wait. This means this
is a punishment.

Please stop.
What's going on?

Welcome to your
punishment, sal.

That was it.

Murr: It's psychological
t*rture.

Look at your face.

Am I done?

Well...

Today we're
passengers riding

In the iconic
roosevelt island tram.

While riding the tram,
we have to complete

A task given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't complete
the task given to
you, you lose.

Others: Well...

Here we go.

Others: Not quite!

You're gonna be on top
of the tram

Hundreds of feet above
the east river.

Also you like
spandex, right?

I'm not kidding.

Murr: Oh, my god.
Q: Oh, my god.

All right.
We got it.

Move that tram,
move that tram.

Guys...

Oh, my god!

[bleep] guys.

Whoa!
Whoa!

Joe: Aah! Aah!
It's rocking.

When it stops, it rocks.

Joe, look. Look
at your dogs.

Somebody's kept your
dogs hostage up there.

All: It's cannoli
and biscotti!

Go save your dogs.
Whoa!

Aah! Aah!

Whoa!

Are you kidding me?

Whoa! I'm scared.

You got to save
your dogs, buddy.

[bleep] those dogs!

Q: Come on, buddy.

[screaming]

Q: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Joe: What the [bleep]
is wrong with you guys?

Oh, my god,
I just [bleep] myself.

Run, biscotti.

All right.
Let's move this tram.

Murr: Joe, we're all from
staten island, right,

The forgotten borough.

Yeah.

So this is your
chance to tell the rest

Of the city to suck it.

So I want you to face
all the different boroughs

And tell them to suck it.

Attention, everyone not
from staten island,

Y'all can suck it!

Brooklyn, suck it! Whoa!

Hey, hey, queens.

Queens, suck it!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
the bronx.

Bronx, suck it!

Jersey, suck it!

New jersey, suck it!

Q: We're gonna
bring it on home.

Back to--back to the
fortress of fattitude.

[jokers laughing]

Murr: Joe's
a huge loser,

So we're here to
hugely punish him.

Others: Well...

Maybe not. Maybe
it's murray that's
the huge loser.

It might be you
getting punished.

No, no, no, no.

This is [bleep]!

It's really sinking
in right now.

It's the old switcheroo!

No, no way!

Murray will be dressed
like a human piñata...

No! This is
for joe!

Airlifted on a crane,
and beaten the crap out

Of by children.

Until candy explodes.

This is a bad
precedent, gentlemen.

All right, buddy.

Q: Yeah. Buddy,
how you doing?

We're really
doing this.

Joe: Yes! Yes!

[jokers laughing]

Murr: This is not funny.

Holy [bleep]!

Release the children.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, no.

No, no. Get away.
Get away.

Q: You guys excited?

Murr: No.

Q: Get him!
Get him.

I don't think
it's working.

Take a break, guys.
Take a break, guys.

Little bastards.

I think we need
a designated hitter.

Q: Yeah.
What's going on?

Let's bring him in.

What? Who? Who?

[jokers laughing]

Is that your
brother-in-law?

Joe: This is my sister's
husband, who wanted to

Have a talk with murray
after that little video

He made with her.

Joe: That is my sister.

[jokers laughing]

That's joe's sister.
Joe's sister.

It was just a joke.
It was just a joke.

Sal: Oh, my god.

I deserve that.
Now put the bat down.

You should
respect marriage
a little bit more.

No, no, no, no. Please!

Jokers: Ohh!

Murr: Oh, my god.

Ohh!

Ohh!

[cheering]

That bat's broken.
Give me another bat.

No, no.

[cheering]

Someone get me
down now?

Oh! No, no, no,
let me down!

Joke's over,
lower me down.

Q: Sal's the big loser,
and today we have something

A little unusual planned
for his punishment.

Do you guys remember
that challenge where we

Made sal
jump up and grab
the statue's nose?

Who would've
thought that that was
against the law?

Well, we found out
when the department
of homeland security...

Sent a note.
That's right.

They sent a very stern
letter to us asking us

Not to do that again.

They ultimately
dismissed the whole thing,

But we forgot
to tell sal that.

Forgot?

Well...

We've been planning
this punishment

For almost a year.

We are right
across the street
from city hall.

This is an actual
government building
that we're filming in,

And today, sal's been
called in to testify

In what he thinks is
an actual deposition

In front of
the department
of homeland security.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please enjoy

The people
versus sal vulcano.

This woman is an actor.

We're telling her
exactly what to say.

What I would like to do
is to get your account

Exactly what was happening
on April , .

We play these,
like, little games
on the show.

Could you speak up
just a little bit?
I can't quite--go ahead.

Yeah, we were
playing, you know,

A childish game
where you steal
someone's nose.

I tried to steal it
from the statue
I think,

Yeah.
And that was
basically it.

I'm not even sure if
I touched it, but...

Let's move to the tape.

Let's take a look
at this.

Q: Oh, here you go.

Murr: He's going
for the little--

Oh, no, he's gonna break
the statue, I swear.

Boom!

I got your nose,
bitch!

[jokers laughing
on recording]

You know, I know that
you think it's funny,

But you trespassed
on federal property,

And you're making
a joke of it.

It's crazy--

Ok. No problem.

[jokers laughing]

Do you understand
the possibilities

Of what can happen
in this?

No. No, I don't
think so.

Do you always
get a permit?

Yes.

I don't think that
getting a permit is

Going to be something
you're gonna be able to
do for some time.

Are you serious?
Yeah. So...

Anyway, that's all
I have right now.

We'll be in touch,
all right?

So sal is showing up
at a park thinking

We're filming
a challenge today.

However, "impractical jokers"
is getting shut down today,

Our permit to sh**t revoked
for the entire summer.

And whose fault
was it?

Sal's!

Intro. Intro. Intro.

Are they played
by real...

Murr: Is this me here?
You're on this end,
murr.

Sal, go to
the other end.

You're--you got to be
away from the light.

These are our
marks, boys.

Hold on.
Hold on one second.

Agent: Can we speak
to him, please?

Sal: What is this?

Salvatore vulcano?

Sal: What is this?

Salvatore vulcano?

Agent sullivan.
In minutes,

You guys are all
gonna have to
clear out of here.

You have to
close it down.

Sal: Oh. Ok.

Yes. Go
talk with them.

And so they're taking
away our entire filming
permit for the city.

For the city?
For the city.

Our productions are
being shut down.

Sal: It doesn't make
any sense.

This is part of a production
that I was just in.

Why aren't they going
after the production?

Because you were
the one who was
physically on the statue,

And I was the one who on
tape gave permission.

It's almost so
ridiculous that

I want to be like
[bleep] to them,

You know what I mean?

It's so stupid.

She got us, man.

I don't know if we get
danny passman or...

[laughter]

Woman: Remember me?

[laughter]

[bleep] you!

You [bleep]!

What is that?

Q: That's the
longest punishment

In the history of
"impractical jokers."

That was the worst thing
I've ever had to do

In my entire life.
Joe: Ha ha!