09x14 - Documentary No!

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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09x14 - Documentary No!

Post by bunniefuu »

Narrator: Coming up, why is q
acting like a jackass?

Heehaw! Right?

What's got murr cutting loose?

Just two bros
brooding. Right?

And which losing joker
will have to charm his way

Out of tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Sal: Oh, damn,
they coming out now!

Today, we're playing c.E.O.S

With the biggest pitch meeting
of our life

With overseas investors,

Who -- uh-oh --
arrived a day early.

That's right.
We've been caught "unprepared."

And now we're gonna have
to convince a random temp worker

To join our meeting posing
as our senior vice president.

The catch is
the temp worker

Doesn't know a darn thing
about our company.

They'll have to riff
every answer believably

Or risk losing us
the big deal.

At the end
of the meeting,

The investors will
invite them to dinner.

After all of this,

If they don't agree
to go to dinner, you lose.

Wait. So the meeting
has nothing to do with...

Pretty much.

No, they got to make it
to the end of the meeting.

♪♪

Oh, hi.
Hey, how are you doing?

How are you?
Cam, james murray.

I'm the head here.
How are you?
I'm alright.

Little does cam know,
he's about to be, uh, promoted.

It's so exciting. I mean,
our company started so small.

Alright. So cole's gonna
come in right now

And tell murr that
our overseas investors

Have came in early.
Oh, catastrophe.

Sorry, we have, like,

A little problem.
What's up?

Um, our investors
are here.

They're supposed to
come in tomorrow.

"no, no."

No, no. How --
how did you get the dates --

I don't get it.

"we are
the second largest

Shoelace manufacturer
in the northeast."

We are the second largest
shoelace manufacturers

In the northeast.

Go, go, go.
Don't keep them waiting.

Cam, right?
What was your name, cam?

Congrats.
You are the new svp.

Take this off?

Take it off right now.
I'm gonna -- you know,

We have jackets in the back.
Let me grab a couple jackets.

Wow.
He is in!
He's in!

The svp's name
is branford jimenez.

Branford.
Branford.

This is amazing.

Welcome. Welcome
to the mandu group.

Welcome. Welcome.

So the investors are actors.
They're in on it.

We are very excited
to meet you.

So are we.
So are we.

[ laughter ]

Our company, as you know,
is the...

Large--
second largest...

Second largest...
...Shoelace company.

...Shoelace company.
We do...

Two.

Our customer
is always first here.

We've been saying that
for many, many years now.

No customers, no shoes,
no laces.

That's right.

[ laughter ]

So in that case,
how do you feel about velcro?

Velcro?
Velcro?

Oh, I think branford's
got the answer to this, murr.

Yeah. Velcro is --

It's easy,
but then it's too bulky.

[ investors conversing
in japanese ]

Velcro shoes are big.

Q: Look at murray!

[ laughter ]

What drew you to us
as investors?

What drew us to you
as investors?

Well, we've been looking
for something,

Someone outside
of our scope.

Branford.

Taking it to number one.

I love cam.

So can we count on
your investment dollars?

Um, yes, yes.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, uh, would you like to join
us for the dinner tonight?

Q: Here we go, murr.

Uh, okay.

Yes, we'd love to.

God!

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

[ ding! ]

Murr: Alright,
here's joe gatto.

Hi, how are you?
Joe: Well, great. Hi.

I'm just helping out.
I'm beth.

Hi, I'm joe.
Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you as well.
-Yeah. We're excited.

You know, we've been working
hard for a long time.

What kind of business
is it?

Murr: "we manufacture
and distribute pet toys..."

We manufacture
and distribute pet toys...

"...Made out of recycled
plastics, natural woods..."

...Made out of recycled
plastics, natural woods...

"...And fortified
carcasses."

...And, uh,
fortified carcasses.

-Nice.
-Yeah.

Real quick. Sorry.
Give me one second, beth.

So our investors
are actually here.

What's that now?

The investors.

They're supposed to
be here tomorrow.

They're expecting
a meeting with me

And the senior
vice president.

I'll try to stall
a little bit, but I...

Beth, do you think you could
help me out real quick?

Yeah, what do you need?

Do you want me to move
all this stuff?

No, I want you
to pretend to be my svp.

Oh. Hi, okay.
That's it.

[ laughter ]

Our svp's name
is jamila.

Oh, jamila?
She goes by jam.

Okay.

Murr: Oh, joey,
here they come.

Make sure you bow.

Hi, I'm joe.
This is jam.

-Hello.
-Nice to meet you.

Yes, please. Please.

So, jam, we heard
so much about you.

Did you?
All good, I hope.

"how is the family?"

How is the family?

Oh, they're excellent.
Thank you so much.

"how is young topher?"

And how is young topher?

Oh, topher.
Your son topher.

Yeah, no,
everything's fine.

He's doing really well.

We're getting him
in different programs

And everything's
going really well for him.

You know, our company
manufactures pet toys

Made out of, you know,
recycled plastics

And, uh...

Fortified carcasses.
Fortified carcasses.

She remembered
what it was!

Where do you source
the carcass from

For the toys?

The -- the all-natural
carcasses?

That's his job.

Ah, yes.

Oh, my god!
[ speaks indistinctly ]

We'll also get some
bigger roadkill items

From the midwest.

Yes.
Okay, moving on.

But also, like I said --
I'm sorry to interrupt.

No, no, go.
Please take it, jam.

She's -- she's --
she's -- she's --

She's not even waiting for him
to prompt.

She's taking the bull
by the horns.

[ investors conversing
in japanese ]

Sion, be like,
"are you two okay

Working together
since the divorce?"

Will it be okay working together
since the divorce?

Me and him divorced?

Yeah.
Yeah, everything's fine.

[ laughter ]

Personal is personal.
Business is business.

She's covering
for their fake marriage.

And like I said,
we're still family,

We'll always be family.
That's besides the point.

[ conversing in japanese ]

Yeah, we invest.

Oh, you'll invest?

Oh, okay, great.

Ask about the dinner.
It's not over yet.

Do you guys mind
joining us for dinner?

Unfortunately,
I cannot tonight

Because I have to go
pick up my child.

-Oh!
-Oh!

What an upset!
What an upset!
After all that.

Yes!

We no longer interested
in investment.

Okay, then I'll go to dinner,
I'll make...

[ jokers cheering ]

Oh, my god!

[ laughing and cheering ]

So that's how you do it.

[ ding! ]

Prince.
Mo.

Oh, pleasure.
Nice to meet you.

Everybody's so nice
immediately.

Yeah,
we're transitioning in.

What type of company
is it?

"we're a leading distributor
of hard-shell pencil cases

South of canada."

We're the leading
distributor

Of hard-shell pencil cases
south of canada.

Got it, got it, got it.

Mo: Yeah.

Prince.

The investors are here.

Tomorrow, yes.
No, no.

They're here now.

My senior vice president
is not here.

I can't pitch to them
now.

I apologize, but I don't
know what to tell you.

This is happening.

Oh, god.

Mo, did you happen
to catch that?

Huh? Yeah.

Would you mind just taking the
role of svp for a few minutes?

I'll talk to them
through this presentation

Just so they think
we're here.

I'll do all
the heavy lifting.

I'm in sales,
so I could do...

Oh, come on!

My svp's name is francois.

Yeah, francois.
Francois.

Q: Here they are.
They just came in.

He's in!
He's in!

-Francois, yeah.
-Hi.

Sal: Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Yeah. Please.
We'll all have a seat.

Murr:
This kind of meeting

Can make or break
a company like this.

Obviously,
you are here

Because we have the best
hard-shell pencil cases

South of canada.

Why not soft shell?

Well, soft shell, it's soft
enough where the pencil is --

Is liable to break.

Wow!

Oh, my god, this guy.

What's the single word
you use

To describe
your company?

What is a single word
that we would use

To describe our company?
-Right.

We...

What's the single word
you use

To describe
your company?

What is a single word
that we would use

To describe our company?
-Correct.

Traction.

Traction is what it is.

Traction is always
on our mind.

Kaiser, ask him,
"francois, I almost forgot."

Oh, francois,
I almost forgot.

"what was it like
climbing mount everest?"

What was it like
to climb mt. Everest?

Oh, because your bio
on the website.

Yes. Yes.
Right.

Painful.

[ laughter ]

Yes, yes, painful.

Something
I wouldn't do again.

[ laughter ]

Alright. Let's see
if he wants to go out to dinner.

Uh, one more question.

Do you want to share dinner
with us tonight?

Well, um...

Uh...

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

[ all cheering ]

Thank you guys.
Thank you so much.

Alright. Alright.

They bought that.

[ ding! ]

Murr: Nicely done.

Alright, q.

Q: Oh. Oh, hey. Hey.
How's it going?

I didn't know
anybody was in here.

What is your name?

Owen.
Owen, I'm brian.

Brian.
How are you?

Nice to meet you, owen.
Nice to meet you.

You know what we do?
You ever hear of us?

No, I never hear --
what?

Donkey dance
margarita blenders.

We are donkey dance
margarita blenders.

Have you ever heard
of it?
No.

They're like party margarita
blenders. It's great.

Hey, brian.
Sorry to break up the party.

Hey, cole.
What's going on, bud?

So the investors
we're meeting are here.

What are you talking about?
They're here tomorrow.

The svp is supposed to be --
I can't give this by myself.

Cole: Alright. Alright.

I will go buy some time.

-Buy time.
-We'll figure it out.

Oh. Oh, god.
Oh, god. Oh, god.

Owen.
Owen, you're my svp.

You're my svp.
Can you be an svp?

No, I can't.

What are you
talking about?!

All you got to do
is sit there

And just pretend
to be my svp.

-Okay.
-Yeah!

Let's get this...

My svp's name...

"is walt flanagan."

It's, uh, walter flanagan.
That's your name.

Walter flanagan.

Okay, let's send in
the investors.

Welcome.
This is walter. I'm brian.

How are you?
-Oh, walter.

Yes, yes.
Please have a seat.

I'm so excited you guys
were able to make it.

"why should we invest
in your company?"

Walter, why should we invest
in your company?

Well, um,
everybody loves margaritas.

[ laughter ]

He's in!
He's made the turn!

Put that [bleep]
on a t-shirt!

What are your long-term
staffing needs?

-Walt.
-Walt.

Walter,
if you don't mind.

Um...
Did we talk about that?

We did.
It was the...

-Don't you dare!
-Don't you dare!

Two people.
We need two people.

-Two people?
-Yeah.

Two people.
Two.

Two more people
on top of the company.

That'll make a thousand
and two people.

Angry sidebar.

[ slaps table ]

[ conversing in japanese ]

[ laughter ]

I think
it's going well.

Tell us a little
about the donkey.

Yes.
Why a donkey?

Well, the donkey...

[ laughter ]

Well, the donkey...

He's a party guy,

And whenever you get drunk,
you get like a donkey.

Sal: That's it!
That's it!

Kaiser, just go,
"heehaw, heehaw."

Heehaw!

[ laughter ]

All of you.

All of you go,
"heehaw."
everybody.

-Heehaw!
-Heehaw!

Right?
Dup-dup-dup-dup-dup.

-Heehaw!
-Heehaw!

Yes, yeah, we invest.
Yes, okay.

You're gonna invest?!

[ laughter ]

Uh, can you two join us
for dinner tonight?

Uh...

You hungry?
Yeah.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Yeah?
I'll back you up.

He'll back me up.

Oh, my god!

Thank you.

Wow. Heehaw.

-Heehaw.
-Heehaw.

[ ding! ]

Narrator:
No imposter syndrome here.

All the guys are safe
from the loser board.

What's up, y'alls?

Today we're working
on our dating profile.

The catch is,

The profiles have been written
by the other guys.

We're gonna have to
run our ridiculous

Dating profiles
by the stranger

And then ask them to rate
the profile

On a scale
from to .

The joker
with the lowest score loses.

My wife, bessy, loves
when we play this game.

Mine doesn't.

♪♪

Hi. How are you?

Sal:
Here's murray's cupid.

You done these before?

No, actually.
First time.

Oh, really?
What's your name?
Justin.

James.
Nice to meet you, buddy.
Nice to meet you.

I-I just had
a disastrous breakup.

Uh, yeah, me too.
You too?

"me too"?

Have you ever done this,
like, online-dating thing?

Actually, I've never
done that.
Really?

Do you mind
if I show you my profile?
Yeah, sure.

I've never filled
one of these out before.

Oh, sh**t.
They have an apple tv.

I can cast right to the thing.
That's great.

So it's me.
I'm magiclover.

Magiclover.

I love magic,
and I was born in .

Really?
Yeah.

Then I wrote,
"I apologize in advance

That you found yourself
here."

That's a nice one.

"here's why I'm ready
for a relationship."

[ laughter ]

So it's me.
I'm magiclover.

Then I wrote, "here's why
I'm ready for a relationship."

"I'm desperate for
a second source of income

Because I purchased a home
I'm not able to afford.

Please be ready
to move in a.S.A.P."

I'm in way over my head.

Yeah. I've actually never
experienced that before.

Yeah. Wait till you see
this next answer.

[ laughter ]

So "people
who know me say

I'm distracting
like a wind turbine

And equally bad
for birds."

Birds. Wow.

Like, I'm...You know?

Yeah, I know, like,
you're pretty energetic.

Yeah. Distracting.

I would add some things.
Add some things?

Yeah, like, kind of like
the brooding type of person.

Oh.
So add some depth to it.

Yeah. Like, I mean, like,
I have a serious side,

But I also have
this joking side

So you can be serious
with me.

Move your shoulders like him.
Move your shoulders like him.

I can make you laugh.
Yeah, like...

Yeah.

Like that.

Like a little...
Yeah.

Bouncing up and down.

Just two bros
brooding. Right?

This kid's really cool,
man.

Let's see.

"my perfect partner
is playful,

Good with the kids,

Healthy coat,
and can smell cancer."

[ laughter ]

You're essentially saying,
"I want to date a dog."

[ laughter ]

Q: His shirt's awesome.
"trust me, I'm a pro."

His demeanor is such as well.
He's the best.

So "my favorite memory
from my childhood

Is the french nanny
with the incredible bod

That used to babysit me.

He taught me
how to be a man."

"he taught --" wow.

Great guy.
Wow.

Yeah.
I mean, hey,
he had a great body.

[ laughter ]

On a scale of to ,
how dateable am I?

You want me to be honest?

I want you to be
dead honest.

If I was a female,
hypothetically,

And I saw this profile...
Yes.

...I would think
you are psycho crazy.

[ laughter ]

"so a ?"

to ,
you would say a...

A negative .

You can't b*at a negative ,

So I guess we don't
even have to go.

Right, murr?
No, definitely not.

Alright.

Love this kid.

And that's a wrap
on this challenge.

[ buzzer ]

Narrator: Murr couldn't make
the magic happen,

So he's tonight's big loser.

[ all cheer ]

Murray's our
big loser today.

Hey, murr, what were you
doing on April , ?

I have no idea.

I will tell you
what you were doing.

We were filming
at a music store,

Playing music-instrument
salesmen.

I remember.

Remember what
I bought you that year?

You bought me a flute.

You remember
the promise you made me?

That I'd be able to play
the flute.

Can you play the flute?

Ehh...

All you got to do, murr,
is play the flute.

Alright.

So just head down that hallway
and play the flute.

I feel like
there's a catch!

[ laughter ]

[ murr chuckling nervously ]

Sal: Alright, murr.
Welcome to flute hallway.

Follow the torch-lit
hallway.

[ laughter ]

Oh, yeah.

Murr: I don't like this.

Joe: You're gonna go all the way
down the hallway,

Then it's gonna
lead you to a door.

[ murr grunts ]

[ door opening ]

Joe: Here we go.

Murr:
Okay, there's the flute.

Oh, what's -- what's next
to the flute?

Murr: Okay, there's
my indiana jones hat.

Gentlemen, what does the hat
have to do with the flute?

Well, put the hat on,
and you will see what happens.

♪♪

There he is,
murray-anda jones.

I see what
you've done, gentlemen.

Alright, so don't forget.

Right there,
your w*apon of choice, right?

Yeah.

-You're gonna need that.
-Yes, okay.

[ jokers murmuring, laughing ]

-So cool.
-Oh.

Joe: Maybe you should go sit
in front of the basket.

You're fine,
everything's fine.

Everything's fine,
everything's fine.

There you go, buddy.

What's in there?

Well, you could take a look.

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Very funny.
Very funny.

The reason you have the flute
is you cannot leave the pit

Until you play
the song correctly.

You've got to make
that thing dance.

[ humming snake charmer song ]

I don't know how to play.

You had eight years to practice.

[ blowing ]

Joe: Yeah! There you go.

[ notes playing ]

Oh, no, a little bit.
There you go, murr.

I think you need
a little motivation, buddy.

You heard me, right?

Yeah, I heard you, joe.

[ clang! ]

What the [bleep]
oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ohh!

Joe: I think you need
a little motivation, buddy.

[ clang! ]

What the [bleep]
oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ohh!

[ all yelling ]

Sal:
Start playing, murray!

Q: Play the flute!

[ notes playing ]

-Oh, my god!
-Oh, my god!

-Look at this!
-I'm nervous!

Oh, damn, oh, damn,
they coming out now!

It's on my leg!
It's on my leg!
It's on my leg!

[ humming snake charmer song ]

[ notes playing ]

An instructional video
would probably help you,

Right, murr?
-Yeah.

Right under you,
there's an ipad.

We're gonna be here
for a while, gentlemen.

Hey and welcome
to my tutorial.

[ laughter ]

So you purse your lips
like this.

You might need to adjust
your head a little bit...

[ notes playing ]

-Oh, my god.
-Oh, my god!

Oh, my god.

It's right between my legs!

Aah! Oh!

Don't forget
to like and subscribe.

[ laughter ]

Why did it have
to be snakes, joe?

Let's clear out the snakes.

I think you need
bigger motivation.

[bleep]

Murray, you better learn quick,

Because on its way in
is our friend, -foot python.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god.

Oh. Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

[ notes playing ]

The pitch is getting higher
as the snakes get closer.

Oh, it's hissing.
It's hissing.

Oh, my god, it's coming...

[ all talking at once ]

Oh, it's starting to loop
around you, bud.

It's starting to go
around you.

It's right behind me.
It's hissing.

[ notes playing ]

He goes, "oh, my god,
it's hissing!"

[ all imitating flute ]

[ notes playing ]

Murr, by the way,

You can just play the song
that's loaded on the ipad.

[ grumbling ]

Son of a bitch.

I can't.
It's right on me.

Joe: Just swipe right.
It's the next song.

How do I swipe?

How do I swipe?

Look at the snake's head!

Oh, my god! Aah!

[ all screaming ]

-Play the flute.
-Play the flute.

Oh, my god.
[bleep]

-Play the flute!
-Play the flute!

Q: Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Aah!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my goodness!

[ snake charmer song
playing on ipad ]

Joe: There you go, murray.
You did it!

[ laughter ]

You can go now.

I mean,
let's be honest,

There's only one
fitting ending to this.

Of course.

[ yelling ]

Indy!
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