09x16 - A Tasteful Episode

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
is murr ready to rumble?

Would you excuse me while I have
a quick bowel movement?

[ laughter ]

Will everything "twerk" out
for joe?

Hey!

[ laughter ]

And which losing jokers
will be stuck on the wrong side

Of the glass
in tonight's double punishment?

[ screaming ]

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Sal: Excellent, excellent,
and need improvement.

Today, we're being interviewed
for a documentary.

Now, the interviewer
that's been brought in thinks

That the interview
and the characters

We're playing are real.

Now, the catch is, the
characters we're playing

Have been created
by the other guys.

If you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

Interview, yeah.
Interview.

♪♪

Q: All right, buddy.
Let's see who you are.

[ laughter ]

My name is putney tup.

I'm a simple man
who witnessed a m*rder.

You understand
what we're going for here?

You're a -- you're
a simple man.
Yeah. Simple man.

You're forrest gump.

Also carrying a fully
melted ice cream cake.

We pay attention
to details.

Okay.

[ laughter ]
okay.

Joe:
There's a fake set here, right?
We have jay and cole, of course,

Helping us out to sell it
as a real documentary sh**t,

Which it's not.
Hello. How are you?

I'm good. I'm good.
This is dawn.

I want you to kiss your own hand
when you greet them.

Oh.
[ laughter ]

All righty.

My name is putney.
Putney.

And I witnessed a m*rder
of a man.
Did you?

Wow.
"my cake is crying."

My cake is crying.

This is your birthday?

Oh, my birthday's
in days.

[ laughter ]

I witnessed my mailman
get bloodied up real bad.

Holy sh*t.

"the mailman ain't got
no more birthdays."

The mailman, there will be
no more birthdays for him.

"they put him in a wood bed."

They put him
in the wood bed.

This was a while back?
A w-while back.

[ laughter ]

"have you sh*t hoops?"
have you ever sh*t hoops?

What do you mean?
Like, play basketball?

Yeah.
Yeah, but I...

I witnessed a m*rder.

[ laughter ]

Ice cream headache.
Ice cream headache.
Ooh!

Fight for it, fight for it.
It's just delicious.

[ laughter ]
my brain hurts.

Oh, brain freeze.

Aaaah! Oh.

Slow down. Yes, slow down
on it, so you don't...

"my brain is a-freezing!"

My brain is a-freezing!

"my brain
needs a jacket."

My brain needs a jacket.

[ laughter ]

"I'll take a hot chocolate
if you're making it."

[ laughter ]

I'll take a hot chocolate
if you're making it.

[ laughter ]

Just stand up and sit
on the apple box.

It's so nice out today.
It's gorgeous.

Pop down right there.

Yeah.

You don't want to sit on that.
I'll sit down here.

Oh, you just sat on the cake.
What's that?

[ laughter ]

It was starting to come off,
and now it's on your ass.

Hopefully -- I think
you're fine in the end.

[ laughter ]

Pop your shoe off and just
start rubbing your foot.

Get confused, think the cake's
your shoe,

Put your shoe back on.

[ laughter ]

-Oh.
-Oh.

Is he gonna do it?
I can't wait.

Joe: Thinking about those socks.
How expensive were those socks?

"where'd we buy them?
Can I get back to the store?"

Yeah, put your shoe on.
There you go.

Is he gonna do it?

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]
and there's your point!

[ laughter ]
ah, he's back. The return.

When you say, "murr,
you have to play a character,"

This is the character
we make him play.

This is all anybody
wants to see.

"my name is stanley merkel,
and I'm a creep."

That's all it's says.

Sal: Do you need more?

Thank you.
Jordan, right?

Yes, yes, yes.
Very good.

"I can hear your
breathing, jordan."

I can hear your breathing,
by the way.

[ ominous music plays ]

[ laughter ]

Murr, explore the perimeter.

Do you mind if I...

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Just caress everything,
murray.

[ laughter ]
look at murray's hand.

Exactly.

Look. He can't even look
straight.

Murray can't even look back
at him.

[ laughter ]

Murr, just look at the camera
and go, "ah, pov stuff."

Ah.

Point of view camera.

[ laughter ]

Start waving at your ass
like you farted

While you're staring
in the camera.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Oh, no, wait.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

[ laughter ]

That's robust.

[ laughter ]
keep complimenting him.

The diameter circumference
of this is quite...

Thank you.

[ laughter ]

It's just...Vitality.

[ laughter ]

"are you ever
gonna ask any questions?"

Are you ever going to ask me
any questions?

When I get the cue from jay,
I will.

Grand.

[ laughter ]
"do you have children?"

Do you have children?

Um, one on the way.

Congratulations.
That's excellent.

Yourself?
I'm a stepfather,

But one day perhaps.

How old?
at this point, yeah.

I'm .

"at this point."

At this point.

That will change.

You understand? Time.

[ laughter ]

"well, time for a b.M."

[ laughter ]

Would you excuse me while I have
a quick bowel movement?

[ laughter ]

I bid you "a doo-doo."

[ laughter ]
[ ding! ]

Murr: There he is.

Where are you, q?

"antoine gunk,

Self-absorbed lead singer of
internationally famous rock band

Gunk t*nk."

Yeah. "and your band
was much bigger overseas

Than in the u.S. In the late
's, early 's."

-Right this way, antoine.
-All right, man.

You can shut that
behind you.

Yeah. I'll shut my own door.
That sounds like right.

[ laughter ]
man: Antoine.

And away we go.

Hey. Hey.
Hello. How are you?

I'm antoine gunk.
How are you?

I'm sue.
Nice to meet you.

"you're not
one of my kids, are you?"

Okay, you're not one
of my kids, are you?

No.
[ laughter ]

Sue, you feel good
with the questions, right?

Be obsessed about
getting asked a question.

Hey, man, is it all right if
I know some of the questions?

You're gonna find out
in just a minute.

Well, sometimes I give answers
that are real crazy, man.

One time
in this german magazine,

I said
the most [bleep] up sh*t.

[ laughter ]

You can't catch me
more than once.

You know what I mean, sue?
I don't know what you mean.

[ laughter ]

Every country has its own laws,
so I just avoid them, man.

Oh, man. But, like, what,
do you live in other countries?

"yeah, I've gigged
all over the world."

I've gigged everywhere.

I gigged in germany...

-Australia.
-Australia.

...In australia.

"I punched a kangaroo
in its [bleep] face."

[ laughs ]

Oh, man.

[ laughter ]

I've gigged everywhere.

I gigged in germany...

-Australia.
-Australia.

...In australia.

"I punched a kangaroo
in its [bleep] face."

[ laughs ]

Oh, man. I punched
this [bleep] kangaroo

In its face one time,
man.

You punched a kangaroo?

"I've gigged in the safaris
in africa."

I gigged in a safari
in africa, man.

"punched a [bleep] hippo
right in the face."

And then I [bleep] punched
a hippo right in its face, man!

[ laughter ]

Do you still punch animals?

Oh, no.
Okay, good.

"is that an official
question, sue?"

Oh, is that one
of the questions?

No, it's not.
I knew it!

It's not.
I knew you were gonna try and
ask me about those animals, man!

It's not on here.
You're the one

Just giving up information
freely.

[ laughter ]

"sue, you're a hell
of an interviewer."

Sue, you're a hell of an in--
you're better --

I got interviewed
by oprah back in '.

How was that?

"punched her."

I punched her, sue.

No, you did not.
Oh, man!

[ laughter ]

"this has been great. Bye."
and just March out.

All right.
This has been great. Bye.

No! Wait.

[ laughter ]
oh, wait. No.

Wait.

"what did you say to him?
What did you say?"

What did you say
to him?

I didn't say anything,
I swear to god.

Is he gone?
No, I don't know.

Gunk out, man.

Sues, call me, baby.
We had something real.

No, no, wait.

[ door closes ]

[ laughter ]

He's crazy.

[ laughter ]

Did he talk about
punching animals again?

A lot.

[ laughter ]
[ ding! ]

Sal: Yeah!
Q: There he is.

The return of cole von cole.
Cole von cole.

C-o-l-e v-o-n c-o-l-e.

[ laughter ]

Here we go.
Watch.
Let's see her reaction

The moment
her eyeballs see him.

There it is.
Yep, there it is.

[ laughter ]

Name. Name.

Mo.
Mo? Cole von cole.

Pleased to meet you.

"mo, you remind me
of my daughter."

Mo, you remind me
of my daughter.

Really?
Not a compliment.

[ laughter ]

I've done this exact thing
for andy warhol.

Really?
I was the interviewer.

That's awesome.

You know,
he lived as he painted.

Yeah.
Yes.

Well.

[ laughter ]

From where?

I'm from cincinnati, ohio.
Cincinnati.

"atrocious."
atrocious.

Yeah, I mean, you can find
the beauty in everything.

Oh, that's something
ugly people say.

[ laughter ]

"they didn't even
give me the wi-fi password."

Do you know
the wi-fi password?
No.

"titty titty titty obama."

[ laughter ]

It's
"titty titty titty obama."

[ laughter ]
"capital o."

Capital o.

[ laughter ]

"I like you.
You can use my plane."

I like you. You can use
my plane whenever you wish.

Oh, thank you. I will.
I'll hit you up for that.

"hit me?!"
hit me?!

You're going to hit me?
Not, hit you up.

Like, an expression like,
"oh, I'll give you a call."

Oh, oh. Telephone me.
Yes.

"I'll smash you in the teeth
with a [bleep] phone one day."

One day I'll smash you in the
teeth with a [bleep] phone,

And we will --
we'll be in touch.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Sorry.

I was told that you've been
given a background of me

Because I don't like
talking to people

That don't know much about me.
Well, tell me about yourself.

-"I'm atrocious."
-I'm atrocious.

Self-hatred is very important
now in today's industries.

Okay, what did you say?

You know self-love?
Yes.

Self-hate is
as important as self-love.

And if anybody
tells you different,

Is lying
to your [bleep] mouth.

"I didn't become a light bulb
magnate by liking myself."

I didn't become a light bulb
magnate by liking myself.

No, absolutely not.
No, you hate yourself.

You stay up nights crying,
punching yourself in the face,

Looking in the mirror,
and saying, "you're
not good enough."

"and then you suck off
gerald ford."

[ laughs ]
write that down.

Also footnote --
suck off gerald ford.

[ laughter ]

Oh, new orleans.
So hot.

I got in trouble
there for a week.

I was too young to get
in trouble when I was there.

So was I.

[ laughter ]

Billy joel and I
once lit a fire.

He said
he didn't start it.

"one thing I've learned
in life..."

One thing I learned
in life...

Remember this.
Write this down.

"...Remember to salt
your meat."

Remember to salt your meat.

[ laughter ]

Disney is currently making
a film about my life.

Really?
They're getting
truman capote to play me.

So who are you playing?
Truman capote.

[ laughter ]

Okay, cole,
explore the space.

Uh-oh.

[ laughter ]

Oh, no.

[ laughter ]
sal: Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

[ laughter ]

How is she indulging this?

♪♪

[ thud ]

[ laughter ]

It's a pull.

[ laughter ]
[ ding! ]

Narrator:
Prince herb had character flaws,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Today we're at the cafe
at art factory,

And we've stumbled across
something very personal.

Our daughters' diaries.

While
chatting with a stranger,

We've got to get them to agree
that it's okay

To read
three diary entries.

The catch
is that the entries

Have been written
by the other guys.

If you can't get through
three diary entries, you lose.

[ whispering ] secrets.

♪♪

Q: All right, dad.
Here we go.

You deal with these
focus-group things before or no?

No, it's my first time.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?
Yeah.

I come here.
You know, I write sometimes.

You know, I just bring my...

Oh, wait a minute.

I accidentally grabbed
my daughter's backpack,

And I just realized
it at this moment.

Smooth. He's in.

It's her journal.

I mean, I should take a peek at
her journal, right?

As a dad, to check in.
No?

She will k*ll you.
Yeah, she'll k*ll me, you think?

[ laughter ]

I should read one, right?

Maybe one.
Let's read one.

Q: Here we go, buddy.
Let's take a look.

"dear diary,
dad is such a loser."

[ laughter ]

Joe:
I should read one, right?

"dear diary,
dad is such a loser."

[ laughter ]

I waste no time.

"he's and trying
to become a tiktok star."

[ laughter ]

"it's so embarrassing.
And if he tries to get dana

To teach him
how to twerk one more time,

I'm gonna lose my [bleep]"
-[ laughing ] twerk?

I really didn't even know it.
She turned me on to it.

And you ain't doing nothing
if you ain't twerking, so...

[ laughter ]

I should try one more maybe
I don't...

Try one more?
One more.

Yeah, one more, one more.
Okay. We're in.

Sal: All right, buddy.
Page .

"dear diary...

Todd tried to give me another
wet willy in the schoolyard,

But this time I grabbed him
by the throat

And strangled him
until he passed out,

Just like dad showed me."

[ laughter ]

Well, that's two.
I mean, we can't leave it

At an even number, right?
We got to read one more.

All right. One more.

One more, one more.
You're in.

How about page , buddy?

Okay. "dear diary,
I hate the family swear jar.

Dad says the money
is for my college,

But I know he uses it
for boys' night out.

There ain't no swear jar here,

So [bleep] that fat, stupid-ass
[bleep] mouse [bleep]"

[ laughter ]

See if you can
get her to read it.

Just be like,
"did I read that right?"

Did I read that right?
Could you read that for me?

Just that bottom sentence
there.

"[bleep] that fat, stupid-ass
[bleep] mouse [bleep]"

[ laughter ]

You should tell her she has to
put $ in for the swear jar.

That's right. That's $ right
there. She owes us $.

Joe, I'll give you
bucks

If you'll twerk out
of the room right now.

And I am not kidding. If you
twerk your way out of the room,

There's a fresh $
back here.

Hey, cole. Could you just
announce to the room,

"okay, who's ready to get
to 'twerk'?"

Who's ready to get
to "twerk"?

Hey!

[ laughter ]

♪♪

I made a cool hundo.

I said, "twerk out of the room."
keep twerking.

[ laughter ]

Look!

[bleep] hell yeah.
He's twerking.

You're twerking? Like, you look
like you [bleep] your pants.

Twerk it out the room.

[ laughter ]
[ ding! ]

Murr: Here we go, q.

Q: Let me ask you
your opinion on something.

I actually snagged
my daughter's backpack today.

Okay.
So in it,
I found her diary.

Sal: Here we go.

Now, as a parent,
do I peek?

Ooh.
She might not
even let you open it.

If you just want to
make sure everything's okay...

That's it's. Just,
like, an overview.

Just don't let her know.

Oh! She gave permission.
All right, q.

Page , buddy.

"dear diary.
Dad came into my room.

He plunged his meaty paw into
the --" that's what we call it.

"into the fish t*nk,
pulled out one of my fish,

And ate it just to make
my boyfriend laugh."

He's a pimp. "then my boyfriend
jumped out of bed

And ate a fish
just to make my dad laugh.

Then two of them
went back and forth

Until we ate all the fish."
and then she says,

"worst valentine's day ever."

[ laughter ]

I love that kid.

He was downing goldfish
like he was going into college.

And you're okay with her
dating this crazy boy?

Well, I was the one that got the
pufferfish stuck in my throat.

It went "bff," like that.
[ laughter ]

I mean, this sounds like
normal stuff to you, right?
[ cellphone buzzes ]

Oh, oh,
she's taking a phone call.

[ laughter, clapping ]

Oh, no.

Did he throw out
the eggs?

[ laughter ]

My son has a mini fridge.
I'll bring it in.

Okay.
[ laughter ]

Look at q!
Q can't even look at her.

[ laughter ]

Is everything okay?

I should probably read one more
that I wasn't there, right,

Just to make sure
everything's, like, okay.

Well, you could put it away.

[ laughter ]

After all that.

After all
that song and dance.

You think
I should shut it down?

Put it away
and never tell her.

-Ah! Yes!
-Ah!

[ buzzer ]
joe: Oh, yes.

Narrator: Close the book
on q and prince herb.

They're in for
a double punishment.

Well, our big losers are
herb and q,

So today
for their punishment,

Boys, you're gonna be
motivational speakers

Presenting to a roomful
of strangers.

That's right, but every few
minutes, guys, you're gonna have

To step out of the room
and get each other pumped up.
Mm-hmm.

Here's the catch.
Ooh!

Your break room
is actually on the other side

Of a two-way mirror.

So while you're pumping
each other up,

The whole room will be able to
see everything you're doing

And hear everything
you say.
Got it. Okay.

What are we doing
to pump each other up?

Oh, we went shopping.

[ laughter ]

All right.
So nice to have you guys.

Joe: Guys, we don't want them
to think anything is up.

You have to be in there, and
you are motivational speakers.

We don't care how embarrassed
you are. Play it real.

Get through it.
Stay amped, boys.

My name is prince.
This is...

Hi. I'm brian.
...Brian.

We're motivational speakers.

We tour colleges, corporations
for hire.

Unlock the best version
of yourself within yourself.

Pretty much.

Okay, let's get started.
Waking up early.

Okay, this is something
that I didn't do

Until very, very recently,

Even despite the fact that
I was a motivational speaker.

Routine is
the most key thing.

And it only takes two weeks
to develop a routine.

Two weeks.

I need more motivation.

Go pump each other up
a little bit.

We're gonna excuse ourselves
for one second

To do a little quick powwow.
Would you mind?

I don't mind.
Just a moment.

No, not at all. Not at all.
Great.

[ laughter ]

Murr: So that right there is
one big-ass two-way mirror.

So it's a fun house,
that room, right?
There you go.

We've planted a bunch
of stuff in that room

For them to use
to pump themselves up.

And their mics
are always on.

Dude, I like it.
What about you?

I think it's going great,
man.

[ indistinct conversation ]

Start
giving them nicknames, okay?

You know who's
really into it?

Paddington bear out there.

Paddington bear out
is loving it.

[ laughter ]
you think paddington bear's
into it?

You should see freaking
pitbull's cousin.

But I felt like pitbull's
cousin,

Maybe he needs us to pump him up
a little bit.

You know what I'm saying?
[ laughter ]

Don't pretend you don't see
the trampolines, by the way.

Come on. Let's do it. Come on.
Let's do it, baby.

We got to just get amped.
We just got to get amped.

We just got to do it.
Get amped.

[ laughter ]

My pants.
They're coming down.

Joe:
His pants are falling!

[ laughter ]

"I'm so amped!"

I'm ready!
Tell me you're ready!

Tell me to my face!
I'm ready!

Murr: Go back in there!
Get get 'em, guys!

Q: I'm ready!
Tell me you're ready!

Tell me to my face!
I'm ready!

Murr: Get get 'em, guys!

What we want to do first
is, we want to go right

To the next page
here, guys.

[ laughter ]

Reading. Raise your hand
if you're an active reader,

That you practice reading
all the time.

Excellent, excellent,
excellent, excellent.

Need improvement.

[ laughter ]

Work smarter,
not harder.

Who's your boss?

[ indistinct talking ]

You are your boss!
You! You, you, you!

You are your boss!
You are your boss!
You are your own boss!

All right, guys,
get out of the room again.

Hey, bud, hey, bud, can we have
a quick chinwag for a second?

Yes. Uh-huh.
Thank you.

[ laughter ]
thanks, guys.

Go. Go fast.

Do it.
Who's doing it?

We're doing it.
That's right.

You can see
the levels are coming up now.

"I tell you,
we got dead eyes back."

Dead eyes out there,
old dead eyes came to life.

[ laughter ]

You guys hungry? 'cause
there's a lemon on the table.

So you can take a bite of that.
You know what wake you up?

A mouthful of lemon.

What do we got?
I need someone to pick me up.

[ muffled ] juice up.
Just juice up, like.

Ah.
The seed.
It's the seed, amigo.

[ laughter ]

You might notice
some smelling salts in there.

Feel free to use the room.

I spit fire.

Smelling salts?

Oh.
I've never done -- all right.

[ laughter ]

Wake up.
Wake up.

Oh, my god! Wow.

Oh! Ohh!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god,
that's the worst thing

I've ever done in my life.
You said that was good.

"but I'm so amped."

But I'm so [bleep] amped!

Dude, let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.
Yeah!

Come on.
Go.

Who's ready for motivation
right now? Let's do this.

Now let's do it.

Q: Meditate daily.
Meditate daily.

You know what that means?

Take a moment to be quiet
and have a little peace

And quiet for yourself.
Got to calm the mind.

Got to calm the mind.

[ laughter ]
joe: This is it.

I want you to say the word
"communicate" six times.

Communicate, communicate,
communicate, communicate,

Communicate, communicate.
Communicate.

"speaking of communication,
quick word."

Speaking of communication...
Yes.

...Can I get your ear
for one minute?

[ laughter ]

Guys, cheers.
Whiskey and coffee.

Cheers, cheers, cheers.

Good, bud, good.

[ laughter ]

All right.

Start
snapping towels.

[ laughs ] yeah!
Yeah!

There's a car battery
and some jumper cables.
Yes.

Hey, come on!
Yeah!

Bring it -- aaaah!

Aaaaahhh!

[ laughter ]

Get your karate kid on.
Get amped, baby!

We motivate everyone,
or we motivate nothing.

Hy!
[ shouting indistinctly ]

[ shouts indistinctly ]
motivate!

Yeah, yeah!

We planted some prop knives
in the room.

Start stabbing the [bleep]
out of each other.

Let's [bleep] do this!

Let's go!
Aah!

[ both screaming ]

[bleep]

[ laughter ]

"are our mics on?"

[ both laugh ]

Sal: Are our mics on?

Our mics are on?

Oh [bleep] they see us.

[ laughter ]

All right, how about
going back in now

And thank them
for their time?

We just want to thank you guys
for your time today.

Yes, thank you so much.

[ laughter ]

We got a little
excited by this, but...

You -- you --

It goes without saying.

It goes without saying.

Yeah.
Please.

Tell no one about it.

Just don't tell anybody
what you've seen here today.

Those are trade secrets.
So please don't give them out.

Okay, guys,
recap the nicknames.

I am sorry
I called you dead eyes.

I meant it
as a compliment.

[ laughter ]

And you do realize
if you take the hat off,

You look like -- you look like
pitbull's cousin. You just do.

[ laughter ]

Who was paddington bear,
in case it's not clear?
Was it...

If it wasn't clear,
you're paddington.

Q: It's the hat.

[ laughter ]
you know.

You guys were our favorite group
of the day, so...

"they sucked."
"they sucked."

Sal: They sucked, bro.
Q: Dude, they sucked.

[ laughter ]