Sima Vaknin Witch (2003)

[bunniefuu]

I'm back here with you,
on a Friday afternoon.

Anyone who feels lonely is invited to call in,

maybe find someone nice, someone close,

and maybe even someone to love.

I called and called...
it's always busy.

Casting Director
Sigal Ginsburg

Production Designer
Kuli Sander

Well?
What do you think?

Asher would have liked it.

Asher...

Original Music
Ofir Leibovitz

Director of Photography
Amnon Zlaiet

Hello Mrs. Julia, can you give me a shave?

Come back in an hour.
-Thank you Mrs. Julia.

Editor
Ron Omer

Producers
Duddy Zilber, Miki Rabinowitz,

Moshe Edri, Leon Edri

Sima, it's been more than a year.

Why don't you go with Batat?

See how well he's preserved.

I'm off to the market.

What'll we do with her?

Scriptwriter & Director
Dror Shaul

Sima Vaknin, Witch

The food is wonderful.

Enjoy.

What's new?
-As usual.

Nothing new.
-We have a new family name.

What?

I feel nauseous.

Why a new name?
What was wrong with Vanunu.

They're ashamed of their origins.
-No one's ashamed!

We just wanted to diversify.
The name lost its appeal

when they discovered
the spy Vanunu.

From that day my luck turned bad
and I've had a streak of failures.

That's superstition.
-Shut up!

On top of it all,
I owe the bank 60,000

because there's no work
in renovation, all because of what?

The casino.
-Right.

Bibi! If mom hears you,
you can forget about the walkman.

So you've changed your name
from Vanunu? -Yes.

and from yesterday...
we're the Anan (cloud) family.

What's the matter sweetie?
You haven't touched your food.

I'm a bit nauseous.
-Maybe you're sick.

She's fine.
-It's nothing. -She's pregnant.

Etty?

Yes, mom.

We have to throw a huge party!

and we have to find an apartment.

Apartment?

A whole year you've been living here!
What's the matter now?

Now it'll be crowded.

Three, four, five...
-And a half. -My strides.

By one, two, three, four...
times 2.60

here I'll build you a panoramic window,
real stylish.

How much will it cost?

About... 60,000 in all.

60,000?

All my savings under the mattress,
refrigerator and tiles

hardly total 1 0,000.

1 0,000 won't even
cover the floor.

I'll take out a loan.

Sima, are you sure you
need this renovation?

I've already spent money
on the design,

but I can still cancel it.

I'm sure. Let's go inside and
I'll give you an advance.

But in any case, this tree has to go.
-So take it down.

Hey, don't you dare touch my tree!

What are you doing?

Here I'm building an addition
from the living room,

and I'll construct...
-You won't construct a thing.

Why not? -Because this belongs
to the entire building.

And she has to get approval
from the tenant's committee.

Bro, forget committees, let's be practical,
we'll find a solution...

We won't cause you're not allowed
to build here, that's final!

Vasserman, please,
all the other tenants have signed.

Can't you be more considerate?
-I'm not considerate, Sima?

The stairs smell from your cooking,
we need a mask to walk through,

at night you make so much noise
that we need ear plugs to sleep,

and you haven't paid your building
fees for a year.

And now you want to take down my
tree just to build another room?

When will you finally understand
it's not a jungle here!

Calm down, Tarzan.
-Forget the renovation.

You'll be in trouble if even one leaf
falls off this tree,

I count each one of them.

Disgusting!

1 00, 200, 300, 400...

Mom, what are you doing?
-Renovating.

Renovating?
-So it won't be crowded here.

Crowded? We're moving to Tel Aviv.

How are you, honey?
-I'm bored.

Bring your dad a coke.
-I don't want to.

Mom, you're making a mistake.
-Want to play ball?

Don't waste your money.
-Don't want to play ball.

So let's make a box made of paper.
-Mom!

You take a piece of paper,
even a newspaper,

fold it exactly in the middle...
-We're moving to Tel Aviv!

And where's the money for rent?
-We have savings

that will be enough for 6 months.
-You used to have savings.

You see.
-What? -He made a deal.

A deal?
-And now... you have nothing left.

You fold two triangles...
-A deal with who?

The casino.
-What?

You'll regret this renovation!

You just lost all your presents,
including Bar Mitzvah presents.

Good evening. Welcome to a new season of
the Shpitz (sting/prick).

City fagot!

Where's my cola?
-In the fridge.

Bring me an ashtray.

You make sure it's straight.
-Today we have lots of surprises.

You open it up...
And what do we have?

It's real easy, right?

Where's the ashtray?
-Forget it.

And now...

Good night.

Come to me.
-I have a headache.

Don't you remember that
I'm ovulating today.

I'm dead tired.

Excuse me. I'm saying that I'm
ovulating and you're tired?

Mazal, I just can't,
please, not tonight.

Dov, if you don't wake up
and f*ck me right now,

I'll tell on you to Dr. Maor.

For two years... I've been trying
to get impregnated,

and you don't care,
you're always tired.

Why don't you give it a chance
like Dr. Maor said?

Stop it, Mazal, enough.

I want to get impregnated
so much!

I also want to get impregnated.

OK... OK, don't cry.

So you agree?
-Yes.

Start alone, I must take a sh*t.
I'll be right back.

Now! Saw! Quickly!

What's that noise? Are you crazy?

Just one minute, I'll take down the
tree and I'll shut if off.

What!!

What are you doing? -You have no
idea of the trouble you're in!

Trouble? Trouble with who?
-I'll hit you with a lawsuit

that you'll never ever forget.

Now listen up,
you paparazzi.

This is my living and
I owe the bank 60,000.

Hope you have a warrantee...

Start the saw before
I kick your ass!

Lito, more fast! More fast!

Put! Out!
It's no heavy, take it out.

No problem! Why problem!
Why you problem make!

Excuse me, do you by any
chance have some tape?

How much to do you need?
-Just enough to cover that part.

What's it for?

My palms... are very sweaty...

And then it slippery...
-It slips. Now it won't slip.

Thank you, bro.

Does it slip now?
-No, it's not slippery any more.

Thank you.
-You're welcome.

What's it for?
-Guess.

What happened to dad?
-He fell.

Where from? The Eiffel Tower?

Mrs. Vaknin?
-Oh... you finally came.

Sorry, traffic jams.
Are you Sima Vaknin?

Yes, Mr. Policeman.
See what they did to him?

Real animals... What do we do now?
-Sign here.

OK, sweetie, sure.
-And down here it says

that if you don't pay the fine,
you may be sued.

Sued? -Sued for what?
-Sued for-6A destroying a tree,

and 9C, building without a permit!

I recommend that you pay the fine,
cause you'll be trampled in court.

Court? -All the policemen in Israel
are garbage. Your turn.

I don't have any. -It's all because of the new
police commander,

I wouldn't even let him
deal with Arabs.

Why? Arabs only understand force.
Your turn.

I don't have any.
-Take from the bank.

Arabs from the territories, yes...

After all they did to us
during the Intifada,

they deserve whatever they get.

Last card. -But to do that to a Jew?
What has become of us?

Last card. Sima?

I have such horrible luck.
-Take from the bank.

I'm all alone, without a husband,
no renovation,

and half my family
in the hospital.

I say that you have to take revenge
against the neighbor.

I hope that horrible things happen
to the neighbor.

That his father has a heart att*ck,
his sister breaks a leg,

his wife won't have a baby,
he gets fired from work,

his house burns down,
he gets run over by a car,

he gets sick and
he'll regret being born!

Amen!

Sorry... I don't know
what came over me.

Whose turn is it?

Happy birthday...

To Gaddy, a toast to his new job at the
Ministry of Defense,

Don't let it slip from your fingers!

To Mazal, who is finally pregnant...

Mazal Tov.

For myself, I wish only health
and love, because...

since your mother's death,
my heart aches...

It's difficult being at home,
difficult at the Council...

And now, again,
with the election coming up ...

So my wish today is...

for my heart to stop aching,

to have a nice feeling
in my heart...

because the heart is the most important
organ in the body

The heart is...
-Dad, it's dripping on the cake

So we should always
listen to our hearts.

Lehaim!

Happy birthday!

Dad!!

Heart att*ck!
-What?

He never had heart problems.
-There's always a first time.

What's the matter with daddy?

Michali!

What we have here is a fractured apple.
-Fractured what?

See this joint? It's called an apple.

If you look closely,
you'll notice that it's fractured.

4 nails and one year in bed.

Mazal!

What's the matter?

Quiet, you Moroccan!

Sima Vaknin is a witch.

What?

Sima Vaknin's a witch and
she's put a curse on us.

What has she done?

She's cursed us.

You still believe in that nonsense.

Your father had a heart att*ck,
your sister broke her apple,

and I had a miscarriage!

What else has to happen
for you to believe it?

Answer the phone.
It's the hospital.

Maybe it's Dr. Maor.

Hello... yes...

It's from your office.
-This late?

Hello?... Has something happened?

No, no, it's alright.

What do you mean?

Why? ... It's final?

What happened?

I just got fired.
-What?

This wonderful song was
written on the beach,

the lovers' beach
at Palma de Majorca.

Let me remind you that
anyone looking for love

should call me and
meet someone nice.

Our telephone number
is 979-97-97.

Go away!
-Just a minute! Wait!

Get away from me!
-I came to apologize!

m*rder*r!
-You have a building permit!

What did you say? -Mrs. Vaknin,
I got you a building permit.

Look... here.
All the neighbors signed it,

and also the head of the Council.

What? Now they're suddenly giving
me a permit?

Wait! What are you up to,
you snake?

Mrs. Vaknin... everyone is fine
with you're renovation.

I also went to the police and cancelled
all the complaints.

You can start the renovation today.

So...
-So we're Ok now?

Sure.
-Great.

Hi Leon!

How are you?
-OK.

Was Dov here? -Yes, asked me
to sign some documents.

Do you have cups?
-Here you go.

Thanks. Hi, I'm Gaddy.

I'm Etty.
-This is Leon.

This is my husband Avi.
-Nice to meet you.

What happened to him?
-He was att*cked.

Really? Did you see who it was?
-No.

I'm always willing to come if there's
a nose to be broken.

Etty, don't you see he's in pain?
Get a nurse in here.

Sweetie, calm down. You'll get
a sh*t and feel better.

Maybe I should tighten this screw.
-Are you an expert?

Expert? It's just a screw.

Quiet, Mr. Anan.

This sh*t is very strong.

When you wake up tomorrow you won't
remember your name.

Did you have dinner?
-Are you crazy?

This food can k*ll you.
I'm starved.

I'll get you something to eat.

Who's hungry?
I brought a ton of food from home.

Pleased to meet you, I'm Leon.

Vaknin, Sima Vaknin.

What do you like?
-Everything you have.

I can't believe I went to
her and apologized.

Curses and spells?
Are you as primitive as they are?

Answer me.
-Dov...

What's going on here?

Please don't go in there.
-What's going on?

There's a fire on the second floor.

It's my apartment. -It's b*rned down.
There's no reason to rush.

Except for the one apartment,
nothing else was b*rned. Let's go.

What did she do to you?
-She cursed me.

Cursed you?

Why did she curse you?
Maybe you pulled her hair.

Mr. Policeman,
I don't have time to joke around.

Look, Vasserman, if this is
a candid camera joke,

then tell your colleague
to come out of his hole,

cause my sinuses
have been k*lling me all day.

Listen, Colombo,
do you think I'm kidding?

I'm telling you that she cursed
all my family.

So curse her back.
-How?

You don't know? Tell her:
Good morning, Sima,

your mother's c**t is inside
the mouth of an albino Arab

with three nipples from Taibe,
who f*cked your daughter

in an orgy with an Iraqi,
a Georgian, a Kurd,

and two foreign workers,
one from Thailand

and the other from the Philippines,

whose father is part Christian
and part Scientologist,

and his mother is actually his
elder sister,

and she has Siamese twins

connected at the assh*le
that's shaped like a Barbie doll

that's saluting Yossi Sarid!

Hey you, lift that bike!

He's dead.

Yes, I'm driving from now on.

Julia.
-What's the matter? -Sima...

What about Sima?
-In the newspaper.

Is Sima Vaknin a Witch?

Mazal Vasserman
claims that Sima Vaknin

has cursed her husband and caused
his disappearance.

Anyone with information,
contact the police ASAP!

Come on. Let's go.

This wonderful song was
also written on

the beautiful coconut beach
at Palma de Majorca.

Dear listeners, please call us

at 979-97-97.

Sima!

There she is!
-Sima!

One more round and I'll buy
my grandmother a present.

Bibi, your grandmother...
does she have someone?

Since grandfather d*ed...
she's all alone.

What do you say?
-I say forget about her.

She'd never go out with you.
-Will you give me her number?

If you bet your walkman.

Done.
-Show your cards.

Full house. What's your grandma's number?

Poker! You're screwed.

You may be the head
of the Council,

but you're a card sucker.
Another round?

Peace be with you.
-We're not interested, thank you.

I have books, cassettes...
-How much is a cassette?

Free.
-Give me one.

On Side A you have Becoming
a Believer - Intro. Side B...

is the same. You have to use it
three times a day for it to work.

I wish you a full recovery.

Give him pain medication
and no food.

What about the dressing?
-Don't touch it.

It took me 6 hours to
reconstruct his face,

and when I got to the mouth,
I had no more skin left.

But finally you found skin
for the mouth.

Where did you take it from?

From his rectum. He'll have
a moustache just like Arafat.

Does he have any family?

We called his home,
but there is no answer.

We must find someone
to talk to him

otherwise he'll be depressed
and will never recover.

Israelis... always depressed...

Don't worry, bro,
someone is watching over you.

How do we know
there's an afterlife?

In the Torah it says that man's
purpose is to preserve the soul.

today even secular;
atheists people,

say that there is an afterlife.

The Talmud says: The born are to die,
and the dead are to live.

You must believe in god!

Leon...Leon...

They're releasing us.
I'm going home.

Bibi... you're a charming boy.

So are you, Leon.

Bibi, come on, we're going home.

Check that we haven't left anything behind.

Bibi, help your mother.

Is the pillow ours?
-No. -Doesn't matter! Take it!

Come on!
-I'm coming!

Sima! Sima!

Is she inside?
-It's dark, I can't see anything.

I hit him right in the bulls eye.

Police! Open up!

Hide, it's a trick.

In here.

Sima Vaknin...

Yes. -I'm speaking on
behalf of Israeli police.

We require you immediate
presence outside.

What have I done?

I didn't say you
did anything!!

But for the sake of public order,
it's best you go out

and speak to the crowd, otherwise
they'll ruin all the pavements.

Sima! Sima!

Sima! Sima!

I'm not going outside.
If they want to see me,

Let them come inside.

There is never any parking in my street,
and my Yemenite neighbor

is a parking supervisor who
writes me a ticket every day.

I keep explaining that it's not my fault
that there's no parking,

But he doesn't care. Why?
Cause he's Yemenite.

What kind of culture have
these people brought us?

Only spicy food and folk dancing.

Please, Sima, can you make
a garbage truck run him over?

Six girls I've already married off,
but the last one, Suzy,

is 40 years old.
Not only doesn't she get married,

she's going out with a Druse officer.
A year ago

she became addicted to Druse olives,
so I gave her an enema,

and she got addicted to enemas,

all because of this Druse officer.

What is a Druse?
An Arab disguised as a cowboy.

My problem is composed
of two parts.

One, I'd like my wife to die.

And two, this will be harder for you,
that her mother also dies.

And if possible,
make her die in agony.

What is this?

Sima, I did some calculations.
If we take 50 shekel a head,

and we do 20 heads an hour...

You can stop calculating.
Three loonies were enough.

Sima, we have a financial problem
with the renovation.

The Thai workers only hunt cats,

so I brought Romanians,
but they steal the cement.

Then bring Arabs. -Give me more
money, I'll bring Arabs.

I don't have money.
-That's why I'm calculating.

All you have to do is
bless the people.

Bless, curse, whatever they want.

What... am I a witch?
-So it seems.

Are you crazy?
Julia, say something.

Why are you sitting
as silent as a fish?

They're right.
-Right? -Have you also gone crazy?

Sima, you need money for
the renovation? -Sure.

And what about a man?
-What about it?

The entire country is standing in line.
-You just have to pick one.

But it's a shame.
-Why a sham? You have powers.

No powers, it's all a hoax.

Sima, you are a witch.

Who's a witch?

Here she is. Ask her yourself.

Is it true that you're a witch?

Why did you lie to me?
-Grandma, tell him!

Are you a witch or not?

I'm a witch.

Come on, you're the goalie.

Sima Vaknin is a witch!
Sima Vaknin is a witch!

Sima Vaknin is a witch!

Sima Vaknin is a witch!

Come back here!

Give me back my bike!

One flat tire and you get
20 years inside!

Don't push! -Hold your money
in your right hands.

Ilya, hold it for him!
Nikolai, pour it now! Good.

Next!
-Avi, there isn't enough cement.

It'll be OK. Next!

What about the baby?
-He's less than a year old.

Doesn't matter, pay the full price.

Avi, in Romania me build many houses.
This won't hold up.

This isn't Romania, Chauchescu,
this is Israel.

Then I go.
-Go f*ck yourself.

Thank you, Mrs,
you'll get a receipt inside.

Hold up the money in the air!

A week after I gave birth,
I became depressed. -Why?

Municipal taxes are k*lling me!
-Income tax, aren't they fascists?

Nazis, I'm saying that
as a contractor.

An unwed mother pays VAT
but not a lesbian.

I want to be a model.

You'll be a model.

For example, if I were the Governor
of the Bank...

I like clams, skiing, and helping
underprivileged children.

I'd dry up the Dead Sea immediately.

But I don't have a bicycle.

Besides, my father beats me!

Hit him back!
-My daughter att*cked me!

A person shouldn't hold it all in.

So in the meantime I hit her.
-But only on Saturdays.

Small quantities aren't dangerous.
-As the Bank Governor...

As a contractor...
-As a future model...

I don't take off my panties.

Next!

Most importantly, drink a lot of water,
cause it's very hot.

6,000 shekel in one day.

What's the matter with you?

Sima, you're a start up.

A what?
-A start up.

If we work 1 0 hours a day...

I won't work more than 6 hours a day.
-But 1 0 hours is average.

I'll throw in a lunch break.
-You can rest during the break.

Times 6 days a week. -I have to go
to the market on Friday.

Everything will be delivered, don't you get it?

Even in Europe they work 5 days.
-But we're in Asia, not Europe.

Only in sports we're European,
because the Arabs don't play fair

No work on Friday,
and no more than 6 hours a day.

Sima, listen to them.
-Mom, within a month

every kid in Israel will know
who Sima Vaknin is.

You'll have everything:
money, power, honor.

Enough, what have
you done to me?

What have you done to me!
What have you done to me!

Mother, what's the matter?
Mother?

Sima, this is the most beautiful moment
of your life.

What kind of life?

For forty years my husband
Asher lived here with me,

we had no money...

but I loved him. Now...

there's a hole here, like the hole
I have inside my heart...

For forty years I wanted
Asher to take me

to Palma de Majorca,
to sit on the beach,

to watch the sunset quietly...

but one day... he was gone,

left me all alone here,

and you, what have you
made me into, a witch?

Who'll want a witch?

Now for sure I'll be alone forever.

Mom, you'll work a few months,

you'll meet someone nice,
we'll have money to renovate...

And then you'll stop.

And everything will
return to normal.

Nothing will return to normal.

How much do we need to renovate? 60,000?

I'll work two weeks and that's it.

Just a minute, Sima.

At the beginning we needed 60,000,
but then the crowds

smashed the foundations,
ruined the surface,

and peed so much that they created
an ecological disaster.

So we have to build
a new bathroom for them,

so if you work a year
it may just be enough.

I'll work two months.
-We have a deal.

This is for you.
Go to sleep and be here at 6 AM.

Tomorrow we'll bring
them in groups.

Now, the championship battle for
igniting farts through corduroy.

Shpitz, you were great.
-I'm always great.

How were the rating?
-I don't know,

but the part with the fat woman.
-Shut up a second.

Shpitz, you were great.
-I'm always great.

The part with the fat woman.
-What's my rating?

1 2.5%.

Shpitz, Alex called me.

He's not signing you on
for another season.

He liked the show, but in the rating you are
going down.

I'm going down?

Your researchers aren't
bringing me items!

What's so difficult about leafing
through the newspaper

until you find a Moroccan pensioner

who curses her neighbors.
-Calm down, Shpitz.

Here he is.

Oh my God!
Mazal!

Leon?
-Where's my son?

Here...

In the paper he looks like a handsome guy.

If we came into the world to
Live then why do we die,

and if we came to die,
why do we live?

Dov...
How are you?

Thank God.

Stand in foursomes.
-Foursomes you dumbie!

Go on, finish the welding.

Avi, I thing you have to
add reinforcement.

Don't think, Sima blessed it so
we don't need a thing.

Hey, renovator, is this Sima Vaknin's house?

Firstly, I'm not a renovator
but a contractor.

Secondly, stand in line.
A group enters every 6 minutes.

Thirdly, with that nose up
you won't go in.

Avi, don't do Jewish work,
we already know

that you don't know how to build.
-Haled. -Mahmud.

Hamid, doesn't matter!

Continue working before you also
get kicked back to Romania,

where no one gives a damn
about your terror att*cks...

Mr. Contractor...

You didn't understand me...
-Because you didn't explain.

Please go in.

He just wants to ask a question!

What's your problem!

Light curses - Medium curses
-Horrible curses

30 curses on policemen,
soccer referees and bible teachers,

22 requests for
Norwegian passports,

2 want to be astronauts,
and one woman asked

that Uri Levy grow his
moustache back.

I'm going to wash up.
You can continue on your own.

Grandma... you washed an hour ago.

Bibi, I just don't have any
more strength left in me.

Two more groups and
you have a break. -OK.

Make sure you write
everything down.

The minute we have enough
for the renovation

I'm closing down this circus.

Next group!

Why is he alone?
-He paid for 1 0 groups.

Is there anything to eat?
-Not now.

What's the problem?

It's personal.
-Do you mind leaving?

You make my grandma laugh.

Take off the mask.

Don't be shy, sweetie.

If you don't take off the mask,
there are barriers between us.

Whatever blessing I use
won't reach its destination.

Shpitz?
-It's you.

What else do you need?
-Rating.

I don't know what to do.
Please, Sima, help me.

I'll give you anything you ask for,
anything. Just help me.

Remember, listeners, anyone looking
for love Call in right now.

Tell me, you in the media,
you're all friends. Right? -Yes.

Can you, just once, get me
to talk on the radio?

You want a radio show?
-Who?

Give her a show, and make
it a daily show.

Hello everyone,
this is Sima Vaknin

in a new matchmaking
program, call in

and I promise you that
the line won't be busy.

So now, lets start
with the first caller.

Hello?
-Hi Sima, this is Batia from Eilat.

Hi Batia.

I think h*m*
thr*aten our existence.

Are you looking for a match
or do you want to talk politics?

My husband claims
that wife swapping

is the secret
of a successful marriage.

So if he got me pregnant,
I have to have an abortion?

It's wife swapping,
he just doesn't understand!

Who got you pregnant?
-We don't know.

Why not?

Because there was wife swapping,
but there was no penetration,

I mean there was penetration,
but not exactly ... by a penis.

So what should I do, Sima?

Go to sleep... alone.

Sima, you're the greatest!

Dear Sima... -Money in your right hands,
up high, high.

I've been in love with you since Begin
was Prime Minister.

I want to get married.
-You've come to the right place.

What's the problem?
-Economically, it's bad.

Sima, this is my son Eviatar.
He's gifted.

What's the problem?

You go out with a girl and find out that she's
addicted to Druze olives. -What?

Tell her, sweetie.

It happened when I was a soldier,
I took a bus to the north...

So you, as her future husband,
have to drive her north...

On the way, a sexy paratrooper
sat next to me.

Well...

Don't be shy.

An hour later, she starts crying
that she's constipated

because of the Druse olives.

I tightened my legs...
-So she needed an enema.

Suddenly the driver
pressed the breaks...

Two days later you
crash into someone...

Puff, I came.

At your own expense.

You what?
-I came, Blessed be God.

Maybe you should come
back another time.

No, I'll tell you... Sima.
My son has...

the smallest penis in his class.
-Want to see?

How can she see it?

Enough, Dad, enough...

Sima Vaknin, Witch

Sima Vaknin - Witch - Ltd.

What a star!
-Well done, Sima!

What a wonderful voice you have!

You were always my best friend.

What are you talking about?

We'll explain.

Hello. -These are Roman
and Yehezkel from the Council.

Hello Sima. I'm Roman from the
Council and this is...

Yehezkel, pleased to meet you.

What do you want?

Can we speak in private?
-Sure, come into the kitchen.

Please sit down.

Sima...

Bibi, brush your teeth
and go to bed.

Why? Come here, sweetie.

Sima, Roman and Yehezkel...

Etty, give us a moment.

She's my mother and
I have a right to be here.

Sima, Roman...

This is impossible.
-Come on in, sit down.

Sima...

Roman and Yehezkel
have orchards...

Vanunu, let me...

In a week, elections will be held for the head
of the Council.

You of all people know
how important it is...

that the council head take care
of all the... -interests...

of everyone in this town.

So what do you want with me?

We want you to tell everyone
to vote for us in the elections.

Sima, I'm elected, you become
an honored resident.

We'll hold...
-A ceremony.

You'll receive the town keys.

We'll develop, we'll grow,
we'll have more...

-Issues... -to take care of ...
-That means more positions,

more offices... -It means that I'm
number three in their party.

You? In their party?
You're moving to Tel Aviv.

Sima, if I'm elected,
we'll stay here forever.

Mother, that's what you've always wanted.

Just bring them the votes.

How?

Sima, you have both charisma
and a great radio show.

You have to bring people
to talk about problems,

and say on the air that here in...
-Givat Moshe

I, Roman Koganovitch am
going to make a change! Bitch!

That is the only way to defeat
the current Council head.

Since his wife d*ed, the corrupt Council head
has lost his mind.

Even the permit he approved
for your renovation...

That doesn't matter...

Sima, what do you say?

I know nothing about politics.

f*cking sh*t! (in Russian)

Now tell her about the orchard.

Sima... I got a 5 acre orchard.

The minute I'm elected,
I get building permits.

I'll build you a house,
and fill it with grandchildren.

We'll stay together forever
and become an empire.

Alright.

In our Torah we don't
believe in curses.

The Book of Exodus explicitly
states that a witch shall not live.

So according to the Torah,
witches just don't exist, but...

to be on the safe side,
this bottle will protect you.

Put it in your pocket,
take it with you everywhere,

and God willing,
everything will be fine.

Thank you, Rabbi.

No need.
It'll be 600 plus VAT.

Thank you, Rabbi.

Good evening,
this is Sima Vaknin.

Tonight we won't be matchmaking.

We have an urgent issue.

The elections for the Town Council
of Givat Moshe.

People who want to talk
about problems they have

are invited to come to the studio.

All their problems will be easily
solved by the new Council head...

Roman Koganovitch,
who by the way,

is a neighbor of mine,
and is a wonderful fellow,

and I warmly recommend him.

Now, hello to...
-Dr, Vadim Tarkovsky

and Yulia Moshayov.
-Hello Sima. -Hello.

Dr. Vadim, what do you
think is the problem?

The problem is that I don't
understand the Arab conflict.

Each time elections are held,

people are told that there is
a conflict.

And I ask you: What conflict?

We are the chosen people, right?

In 76, we brought a plane load
of people from Entebbe

without any casualties,
except for one, but for that

his brother,
got to be Prime Minister.

So what do the Arabs want from us?

Do you agree with him?
-No, absolutely not.

The Thais are much worse.
All the problems began

when they were brought here.
They are hungry...

Just a moment...
-Let me finish!

I work in the hospital,
and I saw a man

who was hunted down by Thais.

I think you're exaggerating.
-That's because you don't read.

I read on the Internet that in countries
that grow coconuts,

every year 200 people are hit
and k*lled by falling coconuts.

And here we don't have
that problem at all.

So why say there's a conflict?

We have 5 borders here,
right? Right.

The Arabs:
wake them up in the morning,

give their wives time
to prepare pita bread,

take them on buses across the
borders to join their brothers.

Why call it Transfer and drag
the entire country

into an electric connotations?

Sergeant Pinto, the commander
of the Givat Moshe police.

You probably have a
different point of view.

Sure, our problem is women.

Women?
What did they do to you?

Let's say there's a r*pist...

within one minute women
will traumatize the entire country,

and I say it's only a r*pist,
so what's the trauma?

Let's take Nadia Komanescu
for example.

Didn't she fall off the bar
in 1 984? She did.

And Golda Meir,

didn't she grow hair on her nose?
She did.

And Dana International...

He - didn't fall with the trophy during the
Eurovision contest?

He did. So have you ever
heard him complain?

No, no...

Our problem is the immigration from Russia.
-Russia?

There was no demographic
reason to bring them here.

Shpitz... she's eating us alive.

We have to drive her back
into her hole. -How?

I have an idea.
-What's your idea?

What is your idea?

I'll bring her to your program
and you'll Shpitz (s*ab) her.

Why did they bring the Russians?
-Because of Ron Arad.

Ron Arad the POW?

They wanted to exchange
the Russians for him.

Why didn't they succeed?
-Shimon Peres ruined it.

They didn't call Lebanon back.

Arabs are easily hurt,
cause Peres's mother is an Arab.

So we didn't get Ron Arad back
and we're stuck with Russians.

But now it will cost us too much to
send them back to Russia.

I'll add that not all Russian women
are whores!

He's right, and I'm saying it
as a contractor.

The same thing happened
with the Ethiopians.

What happened with them?

Pollard had jaundice, and Shamir
wanted an Olympic medal,

so that's why he brought
the Ethiopians.

But it's irreversible damage,

cause the blacks have a huge organ,

and it's difficult
to circumcise them.

Our problem is that everyone's
always in a hurry.

If each person woke up in the morning and
said to himself:

Today I'll do everything
a little bit slower,

we would understand how
much love we have

and our hearts would open.

If I love you,

and you love me,

and he loves us,
and we love him,

and everyone loves those who love them,
and their friends,

we won't be animals,
we'll be human beings,

and we'll have time
for lots of things,

even just to go out for a coffee.
Want some?

Where?

It's two in the morning,
I'm in the center of Damascus,

I don't know a word of Arabic

and these two cops check
my driving license!

We're closing.

That's OK.

Thanks, Leon.
-Thank you. Sima.

You're a charming person.

Something good has happened
to me since I met you.

I've been having a difficult
time with the elections.

The opposition party is spreading lies
that I'm corrupt.

Sima... can I see you again?

Leon, you're really
a good person,

but I'm committed
to the other party,

because they contacted me first,

so if you're trying to befriend me
because of the elections...

Elections?

You think that's what
I want of you?

So what do you want?

Where is grandma?
-I don't know.

Liar! -It was late,
so I came home by taxi.

Bibi, tell the truth.
-You have one last chance!

Where is she?

Hi, sweetie. Why are you awake
so early in the morning?

Where were you?
-I went for a coffee.

With who?
-No one special.

I just sat in the cafe
and didn't notice the time.

You, in a cafe? That's new.
-What's the matter with you?

All night without calling?
-We were worried sick!

Just don't say you were with Leon!
-Leon's a great guy!

Shut up and sit down!

Avi, what's the matter with you?
It was only coffee!

All night? How much coffee?
-You've made a big mistake.

The man from the Council was nice
to you and this is how you repay?

Shame on you!

They asked you to neutralize Leon,
not help him.

Instead you let him talk on
the radio and meet him?

What do you see in that idiot?

Why idiot?
You don't even know him.

Enough, Sima!
I can't hear this any more!

Go wash up,
you have to receive people!

Hey, don't push!
This isn't a market! Behave!

Avi, the house will fall apart!

Not now, Kadafi.
-Avi, I can't work like this.

If you don't like it, leave!
I'll bring Poles!

You bring Poles, bring Poles!
You Kurd!

Yes, I'll bring Poles!

They smell horrible and you can't
understand a word they say,

but they aren't as thick as Arabs!

Sergeant Pinto, how are you?
-I'm fine,

but I have some bad news.
-What's the matter?

This is an order to halt construction
immediately.

Why halt it?
One hour and it's finished.

I just got it from the Council.

You've deviated from the construction
percentages.

Do have anything else to tell me?

Actually I do. Give that to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sima won't be
receiving you today

cause she doesn't have a business permit.

Give me an ID card.

You are requested to
leave immediately.

Not in the face!

Are you crazy?
We've finished the renovation!

No wonder the police are illiterate!
-Shame on you!

Sima, what should I do?

I'm just doing my job. Now chose
someone and I'll arrest him.

Great timing. Tell this parasite
to leave us alone.

It's not that simple.

Are you responsible for this mess?
-Sima...

My dear, we asked you to neutralize Leon,

and instead, what did you do?

You gave him a present
and let him talk on the radio

and then you held
hands at the cafe!

Why did you do that to me?

I didn't mean to.

I was so close to winning
and now you ruin everything!

Someone has to come down
to the station with me.

You! -Leave her alone!
-Vanunu - you.

Mother...
-Who is he?

Are you Sima Vaknin?

What do you want?

I want you to appear live
on Shpitz's show.

Forget it!

Come on, Vanunu.

Take a toothbrush and come
with me to the station.

Pinto... give us a minute.

You have more luck than brains.

I'm going to forget the construction deviation

and the police complaint will
be radioactively cancelled.

You will appear on TV
and say on the air that

everyone should vote for me.

You'll say what a good person I am,
tell about my music degree,

my contribution to the town,
my parents who d*ed in Siberia,

and my injury in the w*r.
-Which w*r?

It doesn't matter.
Say "the w*r".

Is that clear?

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
I also love you.

Thank you, thank you

Enough

Enough...

Applause

Now, in her first television appearance,
here's Sima Vaknin.

You look wonderful.

Sima! Sima!

Sima, how are you tonight?
-God bless, I'm fine.

Elections will soon be held in
my town, Givat Moshe,

and I want people to know...
-Just a second.

But I must say it.
-We'll get to Givat Moshe later,

but first I want you to
meet two dear people.

Haim, you wrote us a letter
saying you have a problem.

Yes, your researcher called me.
-No, no, no.

You sent us a letter,
and what did you write?

That my daughter...
That my daughter...

That your daughter... is sick.

Give her a hand,
she's sick.

Ortal, tell us what's
wrong with you.

Cancer.
-Cancer, ladies and gentleman!

Just like my sign!

Haim, what can save your daughter's life?

An operation in France.
-An operation.

How much does the operation cost?
-50,000 dollars.

50,000 dollars!

Applause!

Haim and Ortal,
tonight I'm giving you...

Wait, what do you think
I'm about to give you?

50,000 dollars?

I'm giving you a digital camera,
with a zoom and charger,

by Ikagutchi company,
but only if you promise me

that you'll film the entire
vacation... operation.

Just a minute!
There's another present.

Ortal, Paris is the city of love,
and in the city of love

you must look your best. Right?
-Right.

So the chain of saloons Rosh Pitzuz
(Blow Your Head)

is giving you a brand new wig
that has never been shampooed!

Now go to Paris, come back quickly,

and we'll see the movie you
made for me. -And...

what will happen if...
-lf what, honey?

lf... I die during the operation?

Ortal, you'll recover fully.
That's for sure.

Because now,
only on my show, live,

Sima Vaknin will
cure your cancer.

Sima...
-Sima! Sima!

Sima! Sima!

Tonight we proved that
Sima Vaknin is a liar.

She has no powers,
and therefore just ran off

and didn't save our
charming Ortal,

who just minutes ago fainted
in the middle of the show

and was taken to hospital.
I want to take this opportunity...

Do you take sugar?
-What's the different?

I'll show that devil,

I hope that horrible things
happen to him...

Sima, I've been in this
business for years.

That's the way it is.
Some people thrive on hatred,

but you aren't like that.

You are pure gold.

Look at me, Sima.

I'm here.

Come with me now.
I have two tickets.

We'll fly away to some beach,
sit on the shore

and watch the sunset,
just the two of us.

I've decided not to
run for office

because I want you to be
with me forever.

Now you must decide.

You again! -What are you
doing here?

I just escorted her back
from the studio.

So now go.
-We want to be left alone. -Sima!

Leave, just go!

Mom, listen to me.
We're on your side.

Mark my words, Sima,
I'll screw that Pinocchio,

I'll turn him into a Cinderella!

Enough, it's over.
It's all over.

Sima, it's just the beginning.
We straightened everything out.

It's over. And now I'm going back
to my normal life.

Who wants coffee?
-Mom, I know what they did to you,

I saw it, but you can't leave it
like this, you can't keep quiet.

You have to go out and
defend your name.

I'm not going outside.
-The people outside love you.

Go to them. Don't be afraid.

Talk to then confidently.
You have nothing to lose.

Sima... It's the honor of the
entire family.

And what will I say?

Grandma...

I wrote everything down.

Quiet, please.

We want to begin.
Mrs. Vaknin will read a statement.

I ask that no one interrupt her.

I'll b*at the f*cking sh*t
out of him!

Mrs. Vaknin, please.

Good evening, all the people
of Israel. I, Sima Vaknin,

the daughter of Machluf
and Hadida Swisa,

do hereby de...
-declare. -With a 'C', sweetheart.

I, Sima Vaknin, herby declare
that I am running for the ...

office of Prime Minister of Israel.

Quiet!

Were are your manners?

Mrs. Vaknin, is this a joke?

Mrs. Vaknin, I'm Avnit Barzel Shakelit
of News 3.

Are you founding a party
or joining an existing party?

And do you have a platform?

Yes, I have a platform.
-She has a platform!

I say that an Arab,
any Arab living in our country.

the morning after I'm elected,
the Arab will wake up,

take his children and walk out.
Air-conditioned buses

will be waiting for him to take him
wherever he wants...

Bravo!

That is the only way
to end the conflict.

Bravo...

All the foreign workers
from Thailand...

All the foreign workers
from Thailand...

I can't read it...

To all the foreign workers
from Thailand,

I'm announcing that anyone
caught hunting in Israel,

we'll arrest them and give
them to their friends

to eat them!

As for the Russians, I Bibi Anan
do hereby declare

to any Russian who's listening:
if you, as a Russian,

are not happy here,
the State of Israel will be glad

to see you leave!

A Russian who still wants
to stay in Israel,

note that as of the day
I'm elected,

speaking Russian will be
prohibited. -Oh my God!

Remember me, Sima?

Vasserman, your neighbor.

Vasserman, what happened to you?
-Everything.

As for h*m* and lesbians,
we won't abandon you.

After I'm elected, I promise
to prepare a program

to cure all of you from
this horrible disease.

Cancel the curse, Sima.

What curse are you
talking about?

This is your last chance.
Either cancel the curse

or you'll join your
husband in heaven.

Decide now.

To all the wonderful people watching us now,
I, Bibi Anan,

promise to lead Israel
to a new future

30 days from the day I'm elected,

you won't recognize this country!

Bibi!

Bibi! Bibi!

Bibi! Bibi!

Vasserman, please,
what do you want from me?

Say goodbye.

You have to decide
right now, Sima.

I've decided.

What are you looking at?!

Thank you.
-Why thank him, I asked for mint.

They probably don't
have any mint here.

I hope a coconut falls
on his head.

Sima, dear, careful.
-Don't worry, sweetie,

it doesn't work when
I'm abroad.

Who's turn is it now?

Now it's my turn.