Bitch Who Stole Christmas, The (2021)

Christmas & New Years movies collection.

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Christmas & New Years movies collection.
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Bitch Who Stole Christmas, The (2021)

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, hey, darlings.

I didn't see you there.

Just Michelle Visage here

enjoying a cozy night in,

sitting by the fire,

sipping on a

brand-sponsored cocktail,

and cracking open one of

my favorite holiday classics.

It's a story that's

full of holiday spirit,

filled with quirky

small-town characters,

and banned in 32 countries

for being, quote, "too gay."

So kick your boots off,

grab yourself a drink...

If there's anything left...

And enjoy a tale that begins

like all other

Christmas stories:

with sweeping sh*ts

of New York City.

La-la, la-la, la

Twas the week before Christmas

and all through New York,

everyone was feeling the spirit,

except one lady hard at work.

Take this up to publishing,

size 80 headline.

Something splashy like,

"Twelve Skirts That Say

I'm a Slut,

but I Kind of Know Math."

- Hey, queen.

- Tristan.

Is that my favorite

gay coworker?

Does this answer

your question?

Ah, it's so gay!

I love it.

It's almost like it's

my entire personality.

So, any plans

for the holidays?

Oh, you know me.

I'll be working the whole time.

The only thing I'll be opening

on Christmas is my emails.

Girl, do you not have

any family or friends

to spend the holidays with?

Well, I have you, right?

You're my friend.

No, babe.

I'm your gay coworker.

I'm just here to

blindly support you

and recite catchphrases that

I learned from black women.

Wig.

Well, I'm trying to look

good for the promotion.

You mean...

Executive Fashion

Ladyboss in Chief.

Ah, you're totally

gonna get it.

You are, like, the Joan Didion

of telling people

to wear scarves as shirts.

Well, I just hope

Hannah thinks so.

- Olivia!

- In my office now!

Wish me luck.

Olivia!

Someone please find

me a new assistant!

What did she do?

I don't know.

Something about chemo,

taking off work.

I don't know. Hah!

Hey, listen,

thanks for coming in.

There's something exciting

I'd like to discuss with you.

Does the name "Tuckahoe"

mean anything to you?

Is that, like,

German for "big taco"?

It's this little town that

all the major rags

are buzzing about.

Apparently they're

obsessed with the holidays.

Hah, hah, hah!

Makes me want to vomit.

So you want me to write an

expos on a Christmas town?

Dear girl.

Readership numbers

are down, Olivia.

Everyone's saying that

print journalism is dead.

Well, we need something

controversial

to put us back on top.

Imagine it: nice little town,

top of the naughty list.

I want you to go there

and dig up some dirt...

Covertly, of course.

And most importantly,

get your hands on

this winter crown.

Whoa.

Mesmerizing, isn't it?

It's the grand prize at

this silly little competition

they throw every year.

The ultimate winter accessory

that will have the world

reading this expos.

I want it on the cover, Olivia,

of the annual Christmas issue.

That's right...

The most important

issue in fashion.

Wait.

How am I supposed to

write about Christmas?

I always spend it at work.

All I'm saying is it would

look pretty good for that

promotion you've been eyeing?

But if you don't wanna do it,

I'll find someone who will.

Maybe... Tristan.

You are snatching my edges, sis!

If he ever gets

around to doing work.

He's...

Look, I'm gonna need an

answer by tomorrow, okay?

As Olivia sat there,

she pondered and reminisced.

Is Christmas a day she regrets

to have Christ-missed?

What do you think, Barbara?

What do you do when

you're at a crossroads?

Take the job, Olivia!

Barbara?

All great lady journalists

do anything to get the story.

Ask tough questions.

Go undercover.

Go undercover, huh?

Hannah? I'll do it.

You'll have the expos

on your desk in a week.

Goodbye, Olivia St. LaPelle.

Hello, Maggie Zeen.

Excuse me?

Can you tell me where

the Tuck'd Inn is?

I'm here on business.

Christmas business?

Um, sure.

It's starting!

What's starting?

Really not from

around here, are you?

The Christmas

trees are on display

their college fund

There's cookies in the oven

And Grandma in the kitchen

The snowball fights

are mostly ice

just tradition

I met a man of mystery one day

and super hot

And definitely not a prince

There's mistletoe on every door

Except for maybe one, which is

It's a Tuckahoe Christmas

And if you listen,

you'll hear the children

in the square... shut up!

It's a Tuckahoe Christmas

in Tuckahoe

We've got a kid with polio

got his crutches

I haven't felt my legs in years

its blessings

A Christmas ghost, a talking dog

I'm only here for this one part

been paid, darlin'

It's a Tuckahoe Christmas

A chance to do

something real creepy

It's a Tuckahoe Christmas

in Tuckahoe

I plan on finding

promotion will be mine

Why did I just sing that?

Oh, pardon me.

Woo!

- Those are your... husbands?

- Mm-hmm. Why do you ask?

Woo!

It's a Tuckahoe Christmas

In a consumer-capitalist

commercial way that uses

- religion as a faade.

- Shut up!

It's a Tuckahoe Christmas

in Tucka...

It's Mayor Coont!

Merry Christmas, Tuckahoe!

It's Christmastime in Tucka...

Christmastime in Tucka...

Christmastime in Tucka...

Christmastime in Tucka... hi

Christmastime in Tucka...

Oh, sorry.

- Is that the mayor?

- Coont.

What did you just call me?

Mayor Coont?

Seasons tidings, my town!

Tomorrow marks

a very special day.

It's the first day of

our annual Winter Ball!

Now, I don't need to

tell you how it works,

but I will anyway just in case

somebody comes from out of town

on Christmas business

or something.

The ball.

The ball is a weeklong,

multi-part competition to judge

what street in town embodies

the holiday spirit the most.

Delia, the crown, please.

Work it, girl!

Gonna miss sleeping

in this little number.

As Delia Von Whitewoman,

the head housewife

of Kittenheel Court,

and the winner of the

last eleven winter balls,

I just wanna say...

it's just a silly little crown,

and not something to plan

your entire year/life around.

Let it go, Delia!

Or what?

I mean, here you

go, Mayor Coont.

What? Wow.

As our forefathers

once ordained,

no citizen shall see the crown

before the final pageant,

or else they will fall victim

to the dreadful Tuckahoe Curse.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sure everyone here remembers

what happened to Little Lennie,

our local polio child.

Little Lennie!

Russ, could you

please lock this away?

All right.

Tuckahoe, start your engines,

and may the best housewife win!

b*tches!

Oh!

Oops!

Oh my god!

I'm so sorry.

No worries!

I'm... I'm sure it will

come out in the wash.

Can you hold this?

Hey, Mack?

Could you take the crown

to that secret location

nobody knows about?

Oh-

- Sorry about that.

Name's Big Russ.

I'm the mayor's security.

Maggie. Uh, Maggie Zeen.

Well, looks like

I owe you another, uh...

Wait a second, is this coffee?

It is.

It is coffee, yeah.

I actually love coffee.

Well, you love coffee?

That is crazy!

'Cause I also love coffee.

Really? Oh my god,

I've never met

anyone else who loves coffee.

I actually even have

this saying in the morning:

don't talk to me

until I've had my...

hot bean water.

Would you maybe wanna

grab a cup with me?

Uh... I'm really

busy with work.

But... maybe I'll see you around.

Bye, Maggie Zeen.

Lost the scent of the crown.

But fortunately, I have

a reservation at the town inn.

It's the perfect place to chat

up the locals and get the scoop.

Someone's bound to know

where that crown is hiding.

Oh my god! I'm sorry!

I was just checking to

see if you were on duty.

Ooh, girl, I thought you

were that Annabelle doll!

Yeah, I'm on duty.

And I am happy to take you!

Just so you know,

I almost lost my license

last week,

but for nothin' serious. Huh!

Judge used all this

legal jargon.

You know, like

"vehicular manslaughter"

or something like that,

I don't know.

Anyway, where you goin'?

The... Tuck'd Inn?

Oh, I love that

little hole in the wall.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the pictures

online looked really quaint.

No, there's literally

a hole in the wall.

Tried parallel parking?

Hmph, backed

right into the lobby.

Buckle up!

Oh, your name is

Bea Eep, like a car?

Nah, bitch, like a...

Woo!

- Hold on.

- I know a shortcut.

After many misturns

and the cab breaking down,

the two pulled up at dawn

to a seedy edge of town.

Who said my name?

Not from around here, are you?

Oh, uh, do you work here?

If by "here" you mean this

alley, then yeah, I work here.

Oh, so you... you

do construction?

If by "construction" you mean

handling heavy pipes

with my hands,

then yeah, I do construction.

Oh, so you're a... plumber?

If by "plumber" you mean

sucking massive clogs

out of people's holes,

then yeah, I'm a plumber.

Oh, you're a whore.

Ooh, yeah, that's me!

The name's Kitti.

Allow me.

Oh, follow me, please.

Excuse me.

Time for my morning

cold potato offer.

Boys! Good news!

Just got back from the

clinic clean as a whistle...

that was just in someone's ass.

Come! We drink.

Oh, look at you!

Hello?

Woo! Oh!

Hiya, gal pal.

You checkin' in?

Are you okay?

What... what were

you doing up there?

Oh! I thought it'd be

neat to install a fire pole.

Turns out I forgot the pole.

But there is a fire up there.

Oh, I'll get to it later.

Hazel Delashes.

I run the inn...

Well, when it

isn't running away from me.

I have a reservation

under Zeen.

First name, Maggie.

Maggie... Zeen?

Well, like a magazine?

You're not one of those

reporters from the big city,

are ya?

No, of course not!

No, I'm a...

jar...

nail...

list.

A journalist?

sh*t!

Like somebody

who makes journals?

Yes! That! Oh, yeah!

Why didn't you say so in

the first place, girly?

Journals are one of my

top five favorite things.

Let me show you to your room.

It's one of these.

Come on.

Oh, son of a bisque!

Ooh!

It's musty.

Mm, that's just me.

Oh!

Why is the mattress wet?

Didn't ya ask for

the pirate theme?

It's probably pee.

For pirate?

I thought so. Oh!

Ladies.-

Ladies!-

- Thank you all for coming

to the Kittenheel

Court Announcement Club,

and for adhering to

this month's theme: big hats.

Remember,

next month is little gloves,

as suggested by Bernice.

- Good suggestion.

- Thank you, Bernice.

Our first announcement,

as you all know,

is that tomorrow

is the Winter Ball.

I hope you all are well rested.

With the twins running

around, fat chance.

That's funny, Lanette.

Do you think this is

something to laugh about?

- It's just a joke.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize

I had front-row tickets to

"Lanette: Live

at the Giggle Factory."

Please, tell another joke.

I don't have another joke.

Well, then what

are you good for?

Get out. And take

your ugly hat with you.

You look like a

bargain bin Pippa Middleton.

See you tomorrow, hon.

I think she went too far...

Now, where were we?

Oh, I remember.

Oh, Bertram!

You all have met

my husband, Bertram,

the very rich owner

of the local bank.

And I couldn't be luckier

to have found such a generous,

open, and understanding

prenup as ours.

Isn't that right, Bertram?

- Aww!

- Aww!

Bertram, stop.

Not in front of everyone!

Lights.

Christmas Eve marks

yet another year

where Kittenheel Court

takes home the crown.

But I'd also like to announce

that it will commence

of the grand remodeling

of downtown Tuckahoe!

With Bertram's help,

we ladies of Kittenheel Court

are going to turn this...

into this.

No more hookers or wild dogs,

or that bedbug-infested

Tuck'd Inn.

Now we'll have what

we always dreamed of...

the largest

Cardigan Super Outlet

in the tristate area!

Oh, crap!

As Olivia walked through the bar

in her cocktail skirt,

she chatted up Hazel

to dig up some dirt.

I'll take a Manhattan.

You mean like that city

where some people are from?

I mean a... cosmopolitan.

You mean like the people

that are from that city?

I'll take a water!

Water, huh?

Love that stuff.

I'm sorry. I didn't

realize you were there.

No one ever does.

I was actually diagnosed with

chronic no personality disorder.

No interests, no talents,

no original ideas.

Kind of like a background

character in my own life.

Well, what do you want

to do with your life?

Become an

international pop star.

I'm Jane McBeige.

I deliver all the

mail here in town.

Well, until my big break.

Maggie. Say...

if you deliver the mail,

you must've heard about some

scandals, corruption?

Maybe where a certain

crown is being kept?

Doll, that crown

is locked up tighter than

my ex-husband.

The only way of getting your

hands on it is by winning it.

Oh, by the way, Hazel, you got

another letter from the bank.

Well, it's probably

about that loan.

Oh no! Oh no, no, no!

- What is it, Hazel?

- It's an eviction notice.

It says they're gonna tear

down the inn on Christmas Eve!

What? They can't do that!

This is where I get all my work.

I'm so behind on the

loan they're gonna...

they're gonna bulldoze

the inn in five days!

I guess that's

just how banks work.

Oh, come on!

There's got to be

something we can do!

But as Olivia sat there

next to the Broads of Downtown,

she had an idea,

a way to get close to the crown.

What if you entered

the Winter Ball?

- Huh?

- What?

- No...

- Very funny.

Think about it.

If you won the crown,

the downtown would be named

the most Christmassy street

in Tuckahoe.

There's no way the mayor

would tear it down then.

But how are we

gonna b*at Kittenheel Court?

You know what?

Oh my goodness.

I may just be a girl named

Maggie who makes journals.

But I can feel it.

There is magic in this inn.

We need a leader if

we are going to compete.

And who is going to lead a bunch

of busted-ass broads like us?

- I'll do it!

- You?

Yeah, that's right!

Tomorrow I'm gonna be in

the square

repping the Broads of Downtown.

Who's with me?

Oh, like I'm gonna

let anybody else

destroy this place before me.

And like I'm gonna let them

demolish the last gloryhole

in town?

Like I'm gonna let you gals

put your hands in a pileup

without me.

Oh, if we're gonna compete,

we need one more person.

I'll do it.

Any takers?

Come on, ladies.

I'll do it.

- Is there anybody around here?

- I don't think there's...

Hey, what about you, Jane?

- Oh!

- Oh!

I'll do it!

Then it's settled.

We'll win the crown

and save the inn!

Very exciting.

Very exciting.

But first we need to do

something about... this.

What?

I put on deodorant today.

You hear that, ladies?

That's the sound of

a makeover montage!

No, that's actually just

the sound of a couple of rats

sucking each other off in a

radiator.

Oh.

Oh! Oh!

Careful, she left

a snail trail all over the bar.

- That's it!

- Oh, you like that?

Yeah, I like the hands.

Now sissy that walk

Oh!

Now sissy that walk

now sissy that walk...

Yes!

How do we look?

Like winners.

Live from downtown Tuckahoe,

the Christ-missiest

town in America,

it's the Tuckahoe

Annual Winter Ball!

Well, it is a beautiful

winter evening here in Tuckahoe

and the perfect night to

kick off the annual Winter Ball.

Isn't that right,

Kreston Carsley?

Oh, it sure is, Matt Rothews!

Even our wives joined us

here tonight in the audience.

- Oh, hi, hon!

- Look at her.

- Oh, your wife looks cute.

- Thanks, I did her hair.

Oh, I love it.

Did she get a new bra?

Mm, I'm not sure,

but I cannot wait to

bend her over my desk later

and mess that thing up.

Yup, that's hot.

Alright, now, for

the first competition,

it's going to be

the Holiday Runway.

Isn't that right?

Yes!

And for the Holiday Runway,

each street will debut

a series of unified looks

for a chance

to impress the mayor.

Ooh, here she comes now.

First up, L'Chaim Lane,

serving us Hannakouture.

Hm, mazel.

Well, well, well.

Looks like the downtown rats

made it out of the sewer!

Bitch.

Oh! Your hair

looks expensive.

Who might you be?

I'm Maggie Zeen.

And I just wanna say

you better watch your back.

'Cause this year,

the competition's

gonna get a little tougher.

Mm-hmm.

Tougher, yeah, if you

took out the "e" and put the "r"

between the "t" and the "o."

- Troug?

- Trug?

- Truffaut?

- Wait, no...

It's trough, as in the thing

you'll be eating out of

'cause you're pigs.

I'm so sorry, can you say

it one more time, please?

I... I thought you just

said that we were rats.

Kittenheel Court

to the stage, please.

Watch and learn, little rats.

Squeak squeak.

And of course Kittenheel Court

serving Nativity Scene Realness.

Joy to the world

I like her shoes.

Joy the world, the Lord is come

Mary!

Are you there, God?

It's me, your baby mama.

Very creative.

Joy

Ooh, next up,

I wasn't expecting this.

This is a real shocker.

It's the Broads of Downtown

Tuckahoe

giving us Santa's Werk Room.

- Hm!

- I don't know...

Come and taste my

Christmas cookies

Oh!

Ow!

O-o-oven

A level of

unprofessionalism...

Far too much.

Mayor Coont, your

final judgment?

Put that away!

Kittenheel Court

is the winner!

I told you to lock it away.

Lock what away?

- The crown!

- I did.

It's in a secret location

that no one knows about.

And it's locked up?

I couldn't find the key,

so I just put

a really heavy book

in front of the door.

Russ, like I

say every year, there's no key.

It's a code.

Mm, that explains the keypad.

So, uh, what was the code?

Oh, I told you the code!

It's 80085...

- Oh!

- Oh!

Careful there, Coffee Girl.

Oh.

Hey... Coffee Guy.

Yeah, will that

be cream or sugar?

Uh, oat milk, please,

or else I'll sh*t my pants.

What were you

doing back there?

Oh, I wa... I was

just climbing up to...

get a better look

at this big tree.

Wow, we don't have

those where I'm from.

And where is that?

The Gobi Desert.

Oh.

Oh no, your tape

recorder's all wet.

Oh. Oh...

Here.

Thank you.

Look, I know you're

some classy business lady

and I'm just some security guard

with a tragic backstory

that's left me

incredibly single, but...

is there any chance

that you might...

I'm sorry.

I... I have to take this.

- Hannah?

- Do you have the crown?

I'm... working on it.

Well, what's the hold up?

Olivia, I did not send you there

to walk around with

your thumb up your ass.

Olivia, do I need to

remind you how much you owe me?

Darling, I was there for

you when nobody else was.

Olivia, if you

drop one more call,

you're going back out on

the street where I found you.

Yes, Hannah.

Let me tell you something.

You're lucky I

found you on that stoop.

I risked my career for you,

so you better repay me...

I will.

I will get it, Hannah.

That's a good girl.

After a series of losses,

the broads were losing faith.

Holed up in the bar...

- Who the hell?

- Hi! What's up, bitch?

Kim Petras, what

are you doing here?

Deck the halls with boughs of...

No, hold up, uh-uh.

You can't just come

into people's houses

and start singing.

I am in the middle

of something, so...

Oh, okay.

- Right.

- Okay.

Now, where were we?

Ah, right.

The broads were just thinking

maybe they should just give up.

You know, maybe

we should just give up.

I'll never be a

pop star after this.

No, we can't give up.

I mean, did Katie Couric give up

when her daytime talk show

was canceled?

Who?

Did Rachel Maddow give up

when... when everyone said

she looked like a lesbian

Andrew Garfield?

Yeah, but girl, even

if we set our... up

to the Nth degree, we still

ain't no Kittenheel Court.

Maybe that's the problem.

We're trying to be

Kittenheel Court.

Oh, Christ on a cr*cker,

she's climbing on the furniture.

Who are these Kittenheel

Court ladies anyway, huh?

Huh? They're rich. So?

They're... they're... they're

manicured.

What else?

Oh, they also

bleach their assholes.

Exactly!

And guess what?

Our assholes aren't bleached.

Ours are the color of sh*t!

And you know why?

Because that's

where sh*t comes out of?

Yes, Jane!

That is where sh*t comes out of!

I like where this is going.

The Broads are gross.

Hey? We're sluts!

We're messes!

And we are proud of it.

We've just gotta

take our nasty sh*t

and shove it in their faces.

What if I usually

charge for that?

We just have to show this

town why we are special.

But... but the Carol

Showdown is tomorrow night!

What are we supposed to do?

Uh... come on, ladies.

I've got a plan.

Is it topless?

And for those of

you just joining us,

tonight is the

ultimate Carol Showdown.

Yes, and the rules

are very simple.

Two teams are forced

to go head to head

in a high-stakes carol sing-off.

Joy to the world,

the Lord has come

Her king

Deck the halls

with boughs of holly

la, la, la, la, la

We better back up, Matt.

We're in the splash zone.

Spread your legs

and grab your ankles

la, la, la, la, la

Away in a manger

Just rail me, merry gentlemen

I'll grind on top

and I won't stop

What's a bussy?

Skip to the end!

On the 12th day of Christmas

Twelve drummers drumming

Eleven vodka tampons

Ten lords a-leaping

Nine lines of cocaine

Eight maids a-milking

Seven hookers sucking

Six geese a-laying

Five gold cock rings

Four calling birds

Three big shits

Two turtledoves

And a...

Ooh!

That was the

most inappropriate,

disgusting, puerile performance

in the history of the ball!

And I'm gagging for more!

Oh! I might as well

just call it now.

The Broads win the

entire carol battle!

Oh!

- Everybody!

- Okay!

Ladies, I think it's

time to wrap it up.

Oh, no!

Yes, you guys!

We have to practice.

So get some rest

for tomorrow, okay?

You too, Hazel.

I'm gonna close up.

- Mm, well, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

Rest? I have to go

to work now.

- She should close up shop.

- Come on, girls.

Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.

So I guess I'm too

late for a nightcap?

So what's a girl

from the Gobi Desert doing

in a town like this?

You have any...

Gobi boyfriends?

Oh, no, no.

I'm sort of married to my job.

I feel that.

I've also thrown myself

into my job ever since...

the accident.-

- She was my wife.

Oh, we don't have to talk

about this if you don't want to.

It was December.

A day like any other.

Except it was the

day my wife d*ed.

There I was, watching her

leave for her job

as the town's

clock tower technician.

Aw!

She knew that

clock inside and out.

AM... and PM.

It was supposed to be a

routine maintenance job.

Loosening of a bolt here.

Straightening of a hand there.

Just like every

other inspection.

Except it was the one

that k*lled my wife.

Again, if this is

too touchy for you...

She was m*nled.

Sucked into the gears like

a piece of saltwater taffy.

Her bones crushed

by the pendulum.

Her head...

popping open from the

sheer force of the pulleys.

You ever try wiping

brain matter off a giant bell?

No, I haven't.

That's because your wife

didn't die in a clocktower!

She was so dead.

Deader than print journalism.

Her body so...

m*nled by the gears,

so stiff with...

rigor mortis.

It was impossible to get out.

So now every time I look up...

I know the exact time she d*ed.

Wow.

I never told anyone that before.

Except everyone in town

who watched it happen.

Yeah.

- You look just like her.

- Oh...

Would you ever consider

wearing a blonde wig?

Sorry.

Olivia, darling,

why are you not

answering my phone calls?

Were you eaten by

dogs or something?

- Sorry, bitch.

- This mailbox is full.

It better not be.

Making room for more messages.

You ain't gotta be all extra.

Good, thank you.

Never send a reporter

to do an editor's job.

What were we even

laughing about?

Can't even remember!

So, what about you?

You have any family?

Oh, um...

I don't really talk

about my family that much.

Is that because they

d*ed in a clock tower?

No, uh...

I just don't think they

ever really wanted me.

Hey, um, what's that?

Oh, that's Mayor Coont

30 years ago.

She was the best winter queen

this town ever had.

Who's that

standing behind her?

That's her sister, Marianne.

She used to write

for the local paper,

but nobody ever

read her articles.

It's sad, really.

She was always living

in the Mayor's shadow.

Was?

Nobody ever knew

what happened to her.

Oh.

She went missing

on that very day.

- Well, it's getting late.

- Yeah.

Hey.

Maybe I could take you out

for that coffee sometime.

And don't worry.

I won't talk about my dead wife.

Too much.

I'll think about it.

Yeah, I'll just let myself out.

Three minutes left in the

Tree Lighting Challenge,

and this competition

is heating up

faster than my

wife's undercarriage.

Mm, and trust me,

that is pretty fast.

And how would you

know that, Matt?

- Oh.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- Oh!

Bea, that's our tree?

Yeah, and you might wanna

grab it

before the hospital

realizes it's missing.

Get it!

Uh, ladies?

Look at Kittenheel Court.

Yoo-hoo!

Get a load of this, girls!

You know, I think we're

going to need more lights.

Yeah.

I have an idea.

Oh, good.

Where are you going?

- Bertram!

- We only have a few minutes.

Mmmwah! Ah ha... oh!

Oh, no!

Ah, I feel so safe

with you, Bertram.

Oh, oh, oh...

That's why I trusted you

to keep the crown in your bank.

Ooh, yeah!

Shh, shh, shh!

Oh, ladies, that

looks a lot better.

It's like Rockefeller Center.

But you know, this tree's

still missing a certain...

je ne sais quoi.

Oh, I know!

We don't have a

star for the top.

I have another idea.

Oh.

And now for the final judging.

Oh!

Get her, Jane.

Ave Maria

something Latin

We need to talk.

We are saving this inn!

Girls, tonight, for

the rest of the night,

all drinks are on me.

I got you, girl!

I got you!

So I was thinking

about that coffee.

Maggie's phone.

This is Hazel speaking?

Who the hell is Maggie?

Hazel?

Hazel, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just

talking to some woman

that's trapped

inside your phone.

I'm her boss.

- Oh!

- What?

No, no, girls, look.

It's Maggie's boss

from the journal factory!

Maggie's the best!

Hannah, I'm just gonna go

over that journal protoype.

It just... it has a g*n in it.

Oh, I love g*ns!

Olivia, tell me, darling,

does my limo have

a toilet in it?

Not that I know of.

Then why did

you send me something

I could wipe my ass with?

It's a new take on the expos.

It's... it's strong women coming

together against all odds.

You were supposed

to find me gossip.

You were supposed to

find me that crown.

But, if you'd rather make

friends with a bunch of

overgrown orangutans,

then be my guest.

I guess that promotion

is going up in flames.

I'm hanging up.

No, wait, wait, wait.

I know where the

crown is hiding.

It's in a vault,

locked in a bank.

And I have the code.

- How do you know that?

- I eavesdropped on the mayor

having an affair with

the banker.

Well, well, well.

It looks like

this town's grapevine

just got a whole lot juicier.

I've changed my mind.

Don't worry about the crown.

Focus on rewriting the expos.

But I want something

that grabs me by the labia

and makes me wanna listen.

Uh, uh, uh, cheating

husbands, slutty mayors.

Those ugly friends of yours.

The Broads?

No, no, they're great.

They're... they're like the

"Sex and the City" girls.

Yeah, if the city

were Chernobyl.

Hey, just curious.

What is the code

to that crown vault?

Oh, it... it's just 80085.

Why?

No reason.

Hey listen, I'm

getting another call.

Just have that expos in

my email tomorrow morning...

and that promotion is yours.

You can come out now.

You're the private

investigator I called.

Mr. E at your service.

Her name is Maggie Zeen.

Something about her

doesn't sit right with me.

So you think

someone m*rder*d her.

What? No, she's alive.

Lady, I specialize

in homicide.

Dead girls, mostly.

I can find a dead girl

in a quarry, or a stream,

or an oil drum floating

down a cranberry bog.

I just need you

to look into her.

Dig around, find any...

Semen inside her?

No.

She's at the Tuck'd Inn

right now, as in not dead?

She's dead.

And she's with all

these other women.

Oh my, we're talking

about a serial k*ller.

None of them are dead.

Dead girls at an inn.

Got it.

Well, here's what I'm gonna do.

Go down there,

shine my black light,

hopefully find enough semen

to cr*ck this case wide open.

You can't just walk in there.

You look like a detective.

Oh yeah?

What's that supposed to mean?

You'll need a disguise,

something to blend in

with these women.

Lady, I'm a detective.

All I wear is a badge and

an alcohol-soaked jacket

that screams my son d*ed

in a car wreck.

I think I might

have something.

I just came home.

All night, Olivia

typed, tangled up in her sheets,

with a focus on the Broads

for her new smear piece.

They were ugly, with

no sense of style.

Did I mention they

were really ugly?

Damn, I hate how good this is.

- Uh...

- Knock knock!

Room service!

Did somebody order up

the best friend special?

Oh girls, I'm

not really dressed!

We wanted to find you

before the Winter Feast today

and give you a little gift

for all the

ways you've been helping us.

- It's an...

- It's an ornament.

You know, a symbol

of our friendship.

You know how we would never

betray or lie to each other?

And the glass represents

how transparent

we've all been with each other.

And it's broken to represent

how if one of us stabs

the rest of us in the back,

it would just break our hearts

into a million little pieces.

Just get out...

Wha...

In that moment,

Olivia's blood ran cold.

Did they find out her secret?

Only the...

Okay, now who is that?

Charo!

That we are in the

same neighborhood! Woo!

Charo, we don't live

in the same neighborhood.

I am in a cabin in the middle

of the g*dd*mn mountains.

Please, please, please?

Mucho, mucho, mucho!

Por favor?

You want to sing me a song?

Claro.

You know what I want?

I want people to call before

they come and visit me.

But that's not

gonna happen, is it?

No, surprise.

So, sientate.

Sit next to Kim Petras.

And I'd like to wrap

up this story, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

Okay.

It's getting

pretty good, yeah.

- Very good.

- Yeah.

Okay, now, where were we?

Right.

Did you really think

you could fool us?

Oh my god.

How did you find out?

What? That we

disturbed Maggie Zeen

flicking the old Maggie bean?

You got it! You got me!

Come on, girls,

let her whip up a bowl

of... chili in piece.

And now you know why

that mattress is so wet.

Circular motions or mixed?

- Do you need a hand?

- 'Cause I watched some videos.

What were we even

laughing about?

I literally can

never remember.

Here, I got you something.

Oh, good, another present.

Oh, oh, thank god.

It's just some old newspaper.

Oh, no, I just

wrapped it in that.

It's actually an ornament that

represents our relationship.

Oh. I'll open it later.

Hey, what is this article?

I don't know.

I found it in the

mayor's office.

Now it's all dirty.

Um...

"The mayor's

sister, Marianne..."

Hey, I thought their name

was "Coont," not "Urcoont."

It was.

The mayor changed

it for the campaign.

It's funny how some

people think they can get ahead

just by changing

their whole identity.

Russ, there's something

I have to tell you.

Shhhh!

You don't even need to say it.

I'm falling in

love with you too.

Oh!

And... I know it feels wrong to

say in front of my dead wife...

but these last three days

have opened my eyes

to what love looks like.

Real love, not dead wife love.

Oh, Russ.

I'm not who I say I am.

What was that?

Oh, um, I was just

saying that I'm not Maggie.

- What were you saying?

- I've been lying to you.

I'm an undercover reporter.

My name's Olivia St. LaPelle,

and I...

This isn't even my real hair.

I have no idea

what you just said.

All I know is that

I love you, Maggie Zeen.

I love you too!

Uh, hi.

I would like a room, please.

Um, if possible,

next to Maggie Zeen.

This broad knows Maggie?

You look a little funny to me.

- I do?

- Yes.

You're a suspiciously

tall woman.

Who did you say

you were again?

Oh, I'm...

um...

Inn...

vest...

tigator.

An investigator?

Oh, sh*t.

Oh! Like you invest

in the reptiles!

Why didn't you say so

in the first place, girl?

- Faster.

- Oh.

Definitely...

Ooh, a lot of semen.

Naughty business, huh?

Ah!

Well, well, well.

"Olivia St. LaPelle."

That's not your name.

Busted!

Delia? Yeah,

I think I got something.

Now, the Christmas Feast is

one of the most nerve-wracking

challenges in the Winter Ball.

And Mayor Coont never

says what she's thinking,

but there are a

few telltale signs.

If she raises an

eyebrow, she likes it.

- Yep.

- She likes it.

And if she purses her lips, ooh!

It's awful.

Yuck!

And if she scratches her head,

it's because she has eczema.

Careful, honey, it's heavy.

I'll take seconds.

- Oh!

- What?

For the first time in

Winter Ball history,

the mayor is getting seconds!

Yay, I love this part!

Well, what's a Christmas

feast without a little toast?

To the Downtown Broads.

Oh, let's not forget

their incomparable leader,

Maggie Zeen.

Let's hear it for

Maggie Zeen, y'all!

Or should I say,

Olivia St. LaPelle.

Olivia St... LaWho?

Your little leader is actually

an undercover journalist.

What?

A journalist?

She makes journals.

Yeah.

No, she's a reporter

writing an expos on Tuckahoe!

"It's fitting that

I, Olivia, not Maggie,

"pretended to lead

them to victory.

"After all, I can't

imagine a more fitting street

"to exemplify Tuckahoe,

"a back-alley cesspool

of fugly-ass skanks

"with no discernable talent.

And oh yeah, they

also smelled like sh*t."

Damn, that's good!

Maggie? Is this true?

Russ, this is what I was

trying to tell you earlier.

And now you're gaslighting me?

Are you even from

the Gobi Desert?

If these allegations are true,

the Downtown Broads will be

immediately eliminated

from this ball. Well?

They're true.

They're all true.

That was a wig?

Maggie Zeen, your

team is disqualified!

Girls!

Girls, I'm so sorry!

No.

You don't come near us.

You were never a Broad.

You're just a bitch.

Boo!

Wow. I guess print journalism

really is dead!

Oh, hi.

I'm here to open an account.

Mind if I light up?

Oh, and, uh, by the way,

this isn't a deposit.

It's a withdrawal.

80085-pound-enter.

Oh, hello, gorgeous.

If the crown fits...

take it.

As Hannah hatched

her plan and snatched the crown,

Olivia packed her bags and said

goodbye to that little town.

Getting on?

You're not a regular

bus driver, are you?

Of course not, hon!

I'm the spirit of Christmas.

So are you gonna take me

to scenes from my past and...

hopefully change my

perspective about Christmas?

You're about

to see all the moments

that made you who you are,

Madelyn.

Madelyn? Who's Madelyn?

You're not Madelyn?

- No, I'm Olivia.

- sh*t!

Why, I was supposed to be

Madelyn's spirit guide tonight.

Where the f*ck is she?

I, I don't... I don't know.

I'm... I'm sorry I can't help you.

Well, you look like

you're goin' through something.

Maybe we can work out

your stuff instead.

Okay, yeah, sure.

Hang on, baby.

Wow. Where are we?

Girl, I don't know.

This is your past.

Olivia!

You drop one more call and

you're back out on the street

where I found you.

Yes, Hannah.

Now I'm off

for my third lunch, baby.

Those articles better be

proofread and on my desk

by the end of the day.

But, isn't it Christmas?

Christmas?

Who cares about Christmas?

The one thing that's gonna make

you happy in this bankrupt world

is a promotion! Remember that!

Hey, there, girly.

Uh, what are you doing?

Working, like always.

Oh, why don't

you take a break?

You know, go outside,

make some friends?

Stop it. Stop.

Stop working. No...

Stop it! Don't...

Just... just look at me!

Hey!

It's almost as if you always

threw yourself into work because

that's where you

derive all your worth.

Come on.

But how was I supposed

to know any better?

My parents abandoned me

on a g*dd*mn stoop.

It's because you didn't have

parents who accepted you that

you grew up thinking that

you weren't worthy of love?

Damn, you're good at this.

That's why they

pay me the big bucks.

Speaking of...

Mm-hmm, oh yeah, mm-hmm.

So, traveling to

the past, uh-huh.

Speaking to your

younger self, ah-ha.

And resolving some

childhood trauma, okay.

Comes out to... hm.

Guess therapy isn't

free anywhere, right?

Will this be debit or credit?

- Uh, debit.

- Okay.

Yo, lady?

One way to New York,

are you coming or not?

Oh.

Oh, I seen this look before.

Don't tell me you got

some unfinished business to...

I've got some unfinished

business to take care of.

Excuse me?

Is this the Spirit of Christmas?

The f*ck no. Who are you?

I'm... Madelyn?

Take me to the church.

All right, say your

goodbyes, ladies.

Goodbyes, ladies.

Wait, wait! Don't!

- Don't what?

- I don't know.

I haven't thought

past that part.

What are you doing here?

Come to s*ab us

in the back again?

Look, I came back because I

think we can still save the inn.

What if I told you

there is a loophole?

Look, it says here on

page 46, article A7...

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

You mean to tell us that you

found this book right before

the last challenge?

Yeah.

- Okay.

- Checks out, it makes sense.

It says, "Any team competing

in the Winter Ball can only be

disqualified on the

name of its leader."

Which means, yes, the Broads

were disqualified

under Maggie Zeen.

But we can still compete

under Olivia St. LaPelle.

Oh, right! Your real name.

You know what?

She's climbing it.

Why is she always

climbing up on everything?

I'm sorry I lied to you.

But I didn't have

any friends growing up.

I didn't even have any family.

But what I realized over this

last week is that I found both.

And I am not gonna let a

Pulitzer Prize-worthy expos

get in the way of that.

Because families, honey,

we stick together.

Just like the boards

holding up this inn.

Oh, oh! Eew!

What kind of purgatory sh*t?

Hmph!

All I can say is...

that I choose you, ladies.

And all I'm asking is

that you choose me too.

I understand.

Hey, Olivia?

We can't compete with just four.

Come on.

- Really?

- Yessss!

Oh, thank goodness!

I missed you.

We are on the

final performance

of our Christmas pageant,

and it's all

been leading up to this.

It's Kittenheel Court performing

a heartfelt

interpretive dance piece,

"The Snow Is White and So Am I."

Yeah, well... and

that's it, folks.

Well, it appears

the Broads are back.

This ain't Christmas

anymore, bitch.

It's Sis-mas!

Working to the bone

Each December,

fighting wild dogs

found my broads

Christmas ain't about

You can't build a

snowman all on your own

without his ho, ho, hos

without raising hell

Christmas without

Now each season,

crashing all the fun

Literally, I did a

hit and run today.

Meow, meow, meow,

Kitti under your tree

my hand on your D

you'll catch a fist!

Of the naughty list

Christmas ain't about

It's a girls' night out

You can't build a

snowman all on your own

without his ho, ho, hos

without raising hell

Christmas without

They say I have no personality

mole on my thigh today

make it my thing

it's Mole Girl, yeah

You can't build a

snowman all on your own

without his ho-ho-hos

fire without raising hell

Christmas without

Can't spell Christmas without...

Can't spell Christmas without...

G-I-R-L

E!

That was incredible, Kreston.

Have you ever seen

anything so surprising?

Well, not since

I found some guy's hair

on my wife's pillow

this morning.

Look over there!

The mayor is ready

to make her decision!

This was an incredibly

tough decision.

I thought long and hard.

The winner of this year's

Winter Ball is...

The crown! It's gone!

Someone stole it.

- What!?

- No, no, no.

It's her!

She must've stolen it.

We all read her expos.

She's obsessed with the crown!

- Hey, hey!

- It wasn't me, I swear!

Well, if you didn't

steal it, then who did?

Get out of Tuckahoe, you bitch!

But it's just a

silly little crown,

and not something to plan

your entire year/life around.

The ultimate winter accessory

that will have the world reading

this expos.

She used to write

for the local paper,

but nobody ever

read her articles.

It was her!

Hannah Contour!

Also known as

Marianne Urcoont.

Take a picture.

It'll last longer.

My sister!?

That's right.

I should've known it when

I saw her name in the paper!

"Urcoont" is anagram

for "Contour"!

So, you finally

figured it out.

Bravo.

Aren't you the smart one?

I knew only you

could sniff out the crown.

And when I learned you found out

the code for the vault

after spying on Mayor Coont

and Bertram's affair...

Bertram?

An affair?

I knew what I had to do.

Oh!

There's still one thing

that I haven't figured out.

Why?

I needed to sell the crown

so I could save "Gorge."

Save it?

The magazine's been

failing for years and years.

Print journalism is dead.

Everything's online.

It's gone the

way of the dinosaur.

Oh, okay.

I mean, magazines are dead.

That's why I had

to steal the crown!

Isn't it pretty?

But Marianne, I

thought you disappeared!

Marianne? Child, please.

Marianne is long gone, okay?

She left the day

you humiliated me.

Remember when you made me accept

this crown for our street?

Remember that?

And when I lifted it onto my

head and my belly bursted out of

my gorgeous corset because

I was nine months pregnant?

You remember that?

You humiliated me.

Russ, apprehend that woman.

Get my crown!

Oh no, you better don't.

You better back up.

I said, you better back up!

'Cause I got me an appointment.

I got an appointment with

a sheikh who has

a penchant for what?

Headwear! Headwear.

He has a penchant for headwear.

And I'm not gonna

miss this meeting.

Uh-uh. So Russ,

you better back up,

because that right there?

Honey, that's my ride.

Yoo-hoo!

Christ on a cr*cker, she's

going up the Christmas tree,

Olivia. Do something!

Is she going to

jump from there?

Come with me, Olivia!

I'll give you that promotion

you've always dreamed of!

You mean...

Executive Fashion

Ladyboss in Chief?

Better!

Chief Executive Fashion

Ladyboss in Chief!

We have to save

"Gorge" Olivia!

You and me, we're the same.

We're... we're nobodies

without our careers.

I am nothing like you!

Are you so sure about that?

Aren't you curious about my

pregnancy all those years ago?

Who I was pregnant with?

Your parents never abandoned

you on that stoop, Olivia.

It was a lie!

What? No!

No, that can't be!

I gave birth to you

on the steps of "Gorge"!

I knew if the magazine

found out I was a mother,

I'd never get as far.

So I did what I

had to do our family.

Our family?

You were never my mother!

Ow! Bitch!

I've always been your mother!

Aah!

Well, a mother would not make

her daughter her assistant!

Aah!-

- You cheated on me with her?

Oh, don't you hit him!

You got my sister pregnant!

Your grandpa's

your father's dad?

And I'm taking the kids.

You f*ck my wife, didn't you?

Only 'cause you f*ck mine!

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

Snap out of it!

- Give me that crown!

- No! No!

Give it to me!

It doesn't matter

if you're my mother...

'cause I found my real family.

And they are right down there!

It's saved!

The crown is saved!

You dumb bitch!

We could've had it all,

but you had to throw it away!

You had to throw it away!

Well, looks like that promotion

is going to Tristan after all!

Goodbye, Olivia!

Are you safe?

Stop it.

What?

Did you Broads really think

your little loophole would work?

Did you forget you missed,

like, 98% of this pageant?

We weren't here.

I didn't understand.

Was there a schedule?

That is true.

Oh, Kittenheel Court

wins the Winter Ball!

Oh, no, no!

As winter queen, my first

order of business is

destroying your little inn.

Bulldozers!

Well, that's it, girls.

Now we'll never have enough

money to... to pay the loan!

Oh, it's okay.

We'll figure it out.

After saving the crown,

it's the least we can do.

That's... that's for us?

Oh, oh!

Do I have to take my top off?

Oh, oh, it's real!

Oh, no, keep your top on

if you want them

to keep throwing money.

Well, I think this

should cover it.

Girls, we did!

We saved the inn!

My Cardigan Outlet!

This isn't over.

Girls, we're leaving.

- Oh, no, Delia.

- Uh-uh.

Girls?

Hey, Delia.

I got a little joke for you.

We voted, and you are no longer

the leader of Kittenheel Court.

And here is the punchline.

Bertram?

You know, that

looks great on you.

- Oh!

- Your customers requested it.

Oh, bless them!

Olivia, what is all this?

I've never really done

this Christmas thing before,

so I hope you like it.

Thank you.

Should we open them together?

Yeah!

Today we're all queens.

Thank you so much.

Oh, you look like...

Oh, thank you,

Danny DeVito, that's very kind.

Mayor Coont?

Shh! Urcoont.

I decided to embrace

who I truly am

after confronting

so much of my past yesterday.

Thank you, Olivia,

for saving my town.

And one more thing.

I came back last night

after getting into a horrific

helicopter crash.

Turns out the Tuckahoe

curse is very real.

Me and my sister got to

talking

and spent the whole night

remembering what it was

like to be a family again.

And I thought about what you

said to me in that tree and I...

I realized that you

always admired me.

Turns out the appreciation I was

searching for all those years

was right outside

my office door.

And look, I... I may

not be good at it,

and I... I have a lot of

time to make up for,

but I kind of sort of maybe,

maybe just ready to be a mom.

If you'll have me, of course.

Call me... Mother?

I don't know.

I think that's gonna

take a long time.

Hm. I understand.

But today... we're all family.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh!

Oh, come on, sis!

Come on, sissy!

Olivia, you were right.

What we have is real,

even if you are Maggie...

Or Olivia, or Olaggie,

or Magivia,

or Tina, or Stephanie.

Oh, Russ!

What I'm trying to say is...

Will you marry me?

Russ...

haven't we only known each

other for, like, four days?

Yeah, you're right.

What am I doing?

I don't know!

Can you imagine

if you said yes?

Oh my god, you're so crazy!

Come on in here.

Take your shirt off.

Okay.

- Oh, hello.

- Hello, Russ.

On that morning, Olivia saw it,

all the rainbow hues.

A kaleidoscope of family...

The family you choose.

And what is Christmas

if not a silly little stunt

for family to come together

and absolutely serve...

Coont.

Now let the music play.

Christmas ain't about

snowman all on your own

without his ho, ho, hos

without raising hell

Christmas without

E!

Come on, all ye faithful

through the season

yuletide into you

let's get merry

momma's Christmas carol

don gay apparel
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