Mike and Fred vs The Dead (2022)

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Mike and Fred vs The Dead (2022)

Post by bunniefuu »

(tense music)

(broom scratching)

(tense music continues)

(broom scratching)

(tense music continues)

(broom scratching)

(tools rattling)

(suspenseful music)

- Hello?

Hello?

(suspenseful music continues)

(zombie gurgling)

(zombie growling)

f*ck!

Jesus Christ!

(zombie gurgling)

(tense music)

(victim screaming)

(zombie growling)

(ominous music)

(tense TV music)

(phone buzzing)

- What is that sound?

- I-

- Is that me?

- That's your phone.

- Where's my phone?

Did I, oh, okay.

- sh*t.

It's my phone.

sh*t.

(phone ringing)

It's my mom.

Hey, mom.

- Where are you?

- In the bathroom.

- You are so full of sh*t.

Shut up.

I need you to get

your grandfather now.

- Why?

- Because I f*cking said so!

- Dad can't get him?

- If I wanted dickless

to go get him,

I would've called him!

Off your ass and

pick him up now.

- f*ck man.

She's always ruining

my high, man.

(tense TV music)

We gotta go.

I'm in a hurry.

I, I can't have her bitching

at me anymore than she is, man.

- But, you know

what, where is my,

I do have something

else down here.

I got a little

nuggy or something.

Gotta hit like a Dewey

decimal system for my weed.

One of those little-

- [Mike] I, I can't pick

him up straight, man.

- Hey, come here.

I got something.

(whimsical music)

I swear, man, I

have here some good.

Pack of chit, Brussels sprouts.

- Brussels sprouts?

- Not just any

Brussels sprouts, man.

I get these from my guy who

experiments on all my sh*t.

- Oh.

- Yeah, dude.

- Have you tried it yet?

- No, but it's a

beautiful Saturday.

We gotta pick up your grandpa.

First time for anything, right?

- Yes.

- Let's do it.

These get you so high though.

You feel like you're

gonna die, man.

- Uh, die?

- Mm-hm.

Not really, but it gets you

high really, really fast,

and it amplifies your

hunger by like 10,000.

- Nothing wrong with that, man.

- I know, right?

- I love my Taco Bell.

- Get some more, man, all right.

- What's with the

keys and balloon, man?

- Don't worry about the balloon.

It's for my sister's birthday.

My keys in there,

haven't lost them once.

All right?

- All right, let's go.

Let's go pick him up.

- All right, let's do this.

- Hurry up, man.

- Hang on, I'm locking

the door, okay?

Gotta get the sweet spot.

- We gotta go, man.

My mom's gonna k*ll me.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- All right.

Hurry up.

- Chill, bro.

We're here at the car.

We're good.

- [Fred] It's in there, man.

- Never got anything

in here, man.

- [Fred] Why don't you

look under the raccoon?

- What's this?

- Told you, man.

That's good sh*t.

- Yeah, man, yeah!

Right on.

- Light it up.

- Yeah, man.

- And Mr. Raccoon's gonna be

on this trip to help us out.

Isn't that right, Mr. Raccoon?

- You wanna hit

this Mr. Raccoon?

- "Hell yeah, m*therf*cker!"

"Give me that sh*t."

- Here you go.

(Fred coughing)

- "That is balls right there!"

You sit there, Mr. Raccoon.

You're our navigator.

All right, baby,

that is almost out.

Pass that sh*t before.

- I feel much better, man.

- Good, man.

We got this, we got this.

We'll get it back.

- Let's get grandpa.

- We're gonna get grandpa!

- Ha ha!

- We gonna get gramps!

Oh my goodness, it is not, it

is not gonna take its time.

I think it's gonna hit now, man.

(Mike coughing)

- Yeah, man.

- Yeah, you know.

- Oh, that hit the spot.

- Okay.

You're gonna drive?

- Yeah, man.

- You're gonna drive, all right.

(car horn honking)

You drive.

(lively rock music)

Am I just really high

or do I live in front

of a f*cking cemetery?

(intense music)

We're taking you prisoner

- All right, man.

Let's go get grandpa.

- Is this the f*ckin' place?

- [Mike] Yeah, this

is the place, man.

- This really it?

Okay.

- Don't you see the old

geezers walking around?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

Let's go get him.

- Let's go take a look.

(water splashing)

- This is it.

I'm sure of it, man.

I'm telling you.

(phone buzzing)

Hey mom.

- Where the f*ck are you?

- I'm here.

I'm right outside, calm down.

- Show me.

He's not f*cking

there anymore, okay?

He's at 7th and Jet.

- sh*t.

- Yeah, I told him that

you're headed there now, okay?

I'll send you the

God damn address.

Can you stop f*cking smoking

for one God damn day?

(phone beeping)

Cock sucker.

(tense music)

- Think there's any

GILF's in here, man?

- What, man?

- GILF's, man.

Find an old lady with some cash.

f*ck the sh*t out of her

and you're f*cking set.

- Hello?

- I'm right here, you idiot.

- Damn, man.

Well, I, I'm here to

pick up my grandpa.

(both chattering)

(seagulls cawing)

- All right, man.

Well, can you just go

get 'em from me then, or?

- I'm on my lunch break.

- What room number is in, man?

- f*ck, man.

Uh, you gotta sign in.

- You gonna watch

do it, man, or?

- You even know

what you're doing?

Uh, you forgot the time.

- Damn, man.

f*ck, man, this guy.

They better pick

it up for me, man.

Signed in, man.

- Have a good day.

- f*ck you.

- Oh, by the way, he's

having one of those days,

so enjoy your time.

- Great.

- Hey, no smoking

in here, you guys.

- What was that?

- [Manager] You heard

me, f*cking assholes.

- Uh, it's his.

- Thanks.

- f*cking mall cop, man.

(tense music)

(sirens wailing)

(haunting music)

- [Gwen] I still

don't understand

why you go to

these places alone.

- You always get like this.

- [Gwen] What?

- Every time I'm getting

ready to leave for a sh**t,

you always say this.

- Newsflash, you don't get

paid enough for what you do.

- And if I didn't do this,

I'd end up living in my car,

which at this point, I'm

not that far away from.

- So first, you wanted

to be a carpenter,

and that lasted about what?

A month, and you turned your

living room into a tool shed.

(wind swooshing)

(wind swooshing)

- [Madison] I can't hear you!

- "I can't hear you."

Come on, girl.

Now you wanna be an

aspiring photographer?

Jesus, just pick something.

Why don't you just live with me?

- No thank you.

- Hey, did you hear what I said?

- What?

- Move in with me.

- We tried that once.

- Yeah, it wasn't that bad.

- Right.

- Okay, then why don't you

just move in with your brother?

- Fred?

Hell no, he's a freaking

slob in a major pothead.

- What, what are you,

what are you doing?

It's 10.

- And?

- In the morning.

- Eh.

(phone ringing)

Ah, speak of the devil.

- What?

- It's Fred, idiot

boyfriend, Mike.

- [Gwen] Guy's such

a f*cking loser.

- And done.

Listen, I'm gonna be okay.

- Are you five now?

- Promise.

You know, for someone who

cares about me so much,

why don't you just come with me?

- Okay, and see a bunch

of 90 pound b*tches

pretend to be supermodels?

No thanks.

- You sure?

- [Gwen] Positive.

- Okay, I'll see you later.

Heads up, Fred and Mike

might stop by later, so.

Good luck with that.

Also, don't make a mess.

Love you.

- I don't think I can do

much more damage in here.

(calming music)

- Hello?

- Hey.

I missed you.

- What is going on with you?

This isn't the first time I've

left for a sh**t by myself.

- I know, that's why this

time you're taking this.

- What the hell, man?

I'm not taking that.

- Yes you are.

And if you don't,

I'll s*ab you myself.

(zombie gurgling)

- What has gotten into you?

- Ah, don't worry about it.

I'm just gonna

leave it right here.

You won't even remember

that it's there

'cause of how busy you'll be.

(zombie gurgling)

- Are you crazy?

- Drive safe.

- What the hell, man?

(tense music)

(engine starting)

(tense music continues)

(calming music)

(tense music)

(calming music)

(box banging)

(calming music continues)

(tools rattling)

- Oh.

(calming music continues)

(Madison sighs)

- God damn it.

(calming music continues)

(suspenseful music)

- Okay, I forgot my phone.

(suspenseful music continues)

Gwen?

(suspenseful music continues)

Gwen?

(suspenseful music continues)

If you're trying to scare

me, it's not gonna work.

(flesh squelching)

(suspenseful music)

(ominous music)

What the f*ck?!

(zombie growling)

(intense music)

f*cking duct tape!

(chainsaw whirring)

(Madison screaming)

(intense music)

God damn it!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

(chainsaw whirring)

(Madison laughing)

(chainsaw whirring)

(intense music)

(intense music)

(Madison panting)

f*cking gross.

(tense music)

- They need some elevator

music in here, man.

Whoa, what are you doing?

- This is what I'm doing, pal,

and you're gonna join me.

We'll be quick.

Bet we're the first people to

do this sh*t in the elevator.

- It's legal now.

- No, I am not.

(manager chattering)

(calming music)

- That guy was a

f*cking turd, man.

- What an assh*le he was.

"Sign here, man."

"Oh, and then you gotta put

the time too," you know, like.

- He didn't say bless

you when I sneezed.

- Did you sneeze?

- Yes.

- I didn't say bless you.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

I just had to deal with these

two f*cking idiots earlier

that came in.

Yeah.

No, just degenerative

pothead f*cking idiots.

- You're okay.

I forgive you for that.

- I do usually.

- Yes.

- Every sneeze, too.

- Yes, yes, you give me weed.

- If you sneeze

three times in a row,

I say it every time.

- The day that

guy gives me weed,

then he can skip

out on bless you's.

- Okay.

(door rattling)

(Julie knocking on door)

- Hello?

- What about Rambo, you know?

Like he's,

he's always been in

the jungle, every life.

- f*ck, man.

- I'm like Rambo.

- You're right.

- Oh, man.

(Fred mumbling)

- Rambo, man.

- Yeah, man.

Wait, who's Ram, is

that Schwarzenegger?

- Sly.

The Italian stallion.

- What?

Dig wat man.

- Okay I don't.

- What?

It's right, right?

- I think.

I, I'm not, I'm not hip.

(Julie knocking on door)

- Hello?

(calming music)

- Hey, take that.

We need to get my grandpa now.

Come on, man.

Let's get up.

What the f*ck are

we doling, man?

(Mike knocking on door)

- The longer you keep knocking,

the longer you're gonna

have to wait, Sarah.

- Ha ha, I'm not Sarah, grandpa.

I'm Mike.

- No, you're the load that

should been swallowed.

(tense music)

(zombies gurgling)

(tense music continues)

(zombies gurgling)

(tense music continues)

- I think something's

going on down there.

- Come on, grandpa.

We gotta get outta here.

- Dropped my bag.

- Come on, bro.

Let's get outta you.

- I'm not a f*cking dog, okay?

- Something

terrible's happening.

- Julie Webb.

I'm trying to pick up

my grandma, Ruby Hayes.

Yeah, I, I tried the front

door, but it was locked.

Yeah, I tried knocking, but

no one came to the door.

Okay, I'll go back to the front.

Thanks.

- Sarah, I'm not a

f*cking mail built!

I knew this was gonna happen!

- All right, grandpa.

- He's really rude.

(tense music)

- Yeah, this is Frank speaking.

Who?

No, I'm on my lunch break.

I can help her when

I get back inside.

I said I am eating

right now, George.

I'll help her when

I get back inside.

Look-

f*cking prick.

(tense music)

(elevator door banging)

(ominous music)

- Help me, bro!

- Oh, this is bad.

(intense music)

- I knew this was gonna happen.

- Go get it, ah!

(intense music)

(zombie growling)

What the f*ck is,

what is going on?

Oh, bro!

Oh man. (panting)

- They're real, old boy.

- That was, that was not real.

- As real as you and me.

Real as the weed I'm

smoking right now.

- That was real, that was real.

Grandpa, you okay?

- Hell is a factor

and the walls are coming

down in front of our faces!

- No grandpa, no!

No, we can't go out there!

You saw them!

- Let me go stare,

you f*cking bitch

I'm ready to fight these c**ts.

- Oh, grandpa!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

(tense music)

(elevator banging)

- Are you there?

- If you guys don't leave,

I'm calling the cops.

- Hey!

Come on, man.

- I don't hear anything.

(Mike pounding on elevator)

- Are you there?

(can rattling)

- Hello?

(tense music)

- What's going on

out there, man?

- I don't know.

Ask him nicely.

Maybe you're being

too aggressive.

- Hello?

Hey, call the f*cking cops, man.

(tense music)

Okay.

What's, what's up, brother?

You okay, man?

(tense music)

(flesh squelching)

Hey, hey, you okay, buddy?

(ominous music)

(zombie growling)

- That, that doesn't

sound good at all.

(flesh squelching)

(intense music)

f*ck!

The f*ck.

(flesh squelching)

(intense music)

- f*ck!

(phone buzzing)

- Who is it?

- Who do you think it is?

- Where the f*ck are you?

- Listen, mom,

mom, listen to me.

Something happened.

Something f*cked up

is going on here, mom.

- You're f*cking

smoking that sh*t

and it's turning your God

damn brain into jello.

- I'm not high, mom,

I swear to Christ.

The old people,

they're, they're sick.

They're, I don't know.

I don't know what's happening.

- You know, I asked you

to do one f*cking thing

and you couldn't

even handle that.

- Something,

something's f*cked up.

The old people, they're-

- You know what?

I'm driving there now.

- No, no, no, no, no.

You don't, don't

come down here, mom!

- You're a f*cking idiot!

- [Radio Reporter] Wow, wow.

Roads are blocked off

all throughout the coast.

The president just said

we are not allowed outside

in the streets at all

until further notice.

What the hell is going on?

(tense music)

(phone ringing)

- [Dispatcher] 911,

what is your emergency?

- My name is Madison Walker.

I just k*lled a zombie

with a chainsaw.

- [Dispatcher] Ma'am, this

line is for emergencies only.

- This is a f*cking emergency.

My best friend is dead.

- You k*lled your friend, ma'am?

- I didn't say that.

A zombie k*lled my best friend.

- [Dispatcher] Ma'am,

I am going to hang up.

- Are you f*cking serious?

I need your help.

I've just k*lled something.

- [Dispatcher] Ma'am, if

you remain on this line,

we will be sending an

officer to your location.

- 3127 Cedar Drive, you

stupid f*cking c**t.

- [Dispatcher] We just

logged your number

and we have your address

and we're sending that

to an officer nearby.

- f*ck you.

(tense music)

- [Answering Machine]

Leave a f*cking message.

- Fred, something

terrible is happening.

I need you to call me back, now.

(ominous music)

(zombie gurgling)

- Oh, for sake, Gwen.

(Madison grunting)

(tense music)

Get some.

(record scratching)

Right.

(zombie gurgling)

(tense music)

(zombie gurgling)

(chainsaw whirring)

(energetic music)

- Good morning, Harmburg County.

I'm Rebecca Carpenter,

and here's the latest

on the situation

devastating our community.

According to reports,

people have been

att*cked by individuals

infected with some form of

rash and skin discoloration

on their faces and bodies.

Those infected appear to be

attacking anyone within sight.

Police Chief Sarah Booth

urges citizens to comply

with his stay-at-home order.

Until further notice,

streets are to remain closed.

Anyone found outside

of their homes

during this mandatory

stay-at-home order

will be subject to arrest.

This has been signed into

effect by Mayor Robert Miles

and will be in effect

until further notice.

More than 50 people are

confirmed dead this morning

following an outbreak at a

senior assisted living facility.

The virus swept quickly

through the facility

infecting seniors who have

been reacting violently.

Multiple staff members

are among the dead.

We still do not know an origin,

nor do we know why this virus

appears to be

attacking the elderly.

We'll be back in the second

we receive more information

on this tragedy

sweeping the nation.

(ominous music)

(zombie gurgling)

(ominous music continues)

- They're scared.

(zombie gurgling)

- [Mike Voiceover] I

really need to tell Fred

that I f*cked his sister, man.

- Your weed makes

us the new gods

of the post-apocalyptic world

because of our

enlightened heads.

- [Mike Voiceover] I

really need to piss, man.

(zombie gurgling)

- What we have to do

as enlightened beings

is figure out how

to stop these things

and being the special

features fanatic that I am,

I know the number one

way to stop these things

is just sh**t 'em in the

head or s*ab 'em in the head.

- [Mike Voiceover] How

come I can't talk loud?

(zombie gurgling)

(tense music)

- Hello?

I'm here to pick up my grandma.

(zombie gurgling)

(Julie gasps)

- f*ck yeah, man.

Let's do this.

(tense music)

(box rattling)

(tense music continues)

(helicopter rumbling)

(heart b*ating)

(zombie gurgling)

- [Victim] Ah, help me!

(heart b*ating)

- Anyway, um, let me know what

time I should come tonight.

I've been trying to get hold

of you and Chad the whole day.

None of you pick up the phone,

so just let me know what

time I should come, okay?

(zombie gurgling)

(heart b*ating)

(helicopter humming)

(heart b*ating)

(phone ringing)

Hey, girl.

No, I, I just called Fred

and left him a message.

I, I can't hear you.

I'll call you back

when I get home, okay?

(heart b*ating)

(zombie growling)

What the f*ck is that?

(zombie growling)

Nice makeup, bro.

Didn't know it was

Halloween in July.

Oh, you f*ckin'!

(intense music)

(flesh squelching)

- [Radio Reporter] This

is truly devastating

how we're being lied to

again and not told the truth.

People don't just randomly

att*ck one another

for no apparent reason.

There's something

else happening here.

If you have any information at

all, please call information.

I will be here all day and

all night with you guys.

Anyone who's out there

listening, I'm here with you.

(sirens wailing)

(determined music)

- I have a sword.

(determined music continues)

Ooh.

(determined music continues)

Call mom's cell phone.

(phone ringing)

(phone beeping)

- [Automated

Message] We're sorry,

you have reached a number

that has been disconnected

or is no longer in service.

- f*ck!

Locate dip sh*t's cell phone.

- [Automation] Locating

dip sh*t's cell phone.

Location detected at

7th Avenue and J Street.

Please be advised,

some streets may be blocked off

due to an emergency

virus outbreak.

Use caution when

proceeding to destination.

(phone ringing)

- [Automation] You have an

incoming call from Julie.

- What, Julie?

- Someone ate Rick!

- I don't have time

for this, Julie.

Nobody liked Rick anyways.

- Are you f*cking kidding me?

Help me!

- I have bigger fish to fry.

I have to go save Fred's ass.

Do you mind?

- What?

- [Madison] Gotta

go, Julie, bye.

- f*cking c**t!

Okay.

Think, think, think.

Uh, okay.

I'm gonna call the cops.

I'm gonna call the f*cking cops.

(phone beeping)

- We're sorry-

- What?

- You have reached a number

that has been disconnected

or is no longer in service.

- Okay.

No, we're gonna call

them back, fuckers.

(phone beeping)

- We're sorry.

- f*ck!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, God, go!

(phone ringing)

- [Receptionist] Thanks

for calling Joe's Big Tow.

- I need help, please!

- [Receptionist] Do

you need a tow, ma'am?

- No, there's someone

outside eating my boyfriend.

- [Receptionist] Excuse me?

- I need help, please!

- [Receptionist] You

need to call 911, ma'am.

- No, I, all the

lines are blocked.

This is the only call

that went through.

- [Receptionist] If your car

ain't broken down, ma'am,

then we can't go out

there and get ya.

That's our policy.

- Yes.

Okay, fine.

My car is broken down.

- [Receptionist] Your

car is broken down now?

- Yes!

Will you send somebody?

- [Receptionist] Well, hot

feathers on a duck's, ma'am.

Yeah, we got Hank.

He just got out

from lunch right-

- Hello?

m*therf*cker!

(ominous music)

(tense music)

Hey, hey, hi.

Uh, sir.

Sir, sir.

No.

(car beeping)

Sir, no, no.

What are you doing?!

No, stop it.

(car beeping)

Stop it.

f*ck.

Okay, this is bad.

Stop, nope, stop.

(tense music)

(car beeping)

Hey, hey, sir.

Stop it.

Stop!

(car beeping)

Ah, why are you, ah!

No, I, uh.

No, no, no, no, no!

(car beeping)

Sir, no, no, no, no.

(car beeping)

Stop unlocking the f*cking

door, you little cocksucker!

(car beeping)

Okay, calm down.

Everybody calm down.

(phone ringing)

(car beeping)

(car alarm blaring)

(zombie growling)

f*ck you, Maddie!

(Julie screaming)

(car alarm blaring)

(energetic music)

- The president has announced

a nationwide lockdown.

Anyone found outside

of their homes

will face arrest and jail time.

The National Guard has

been deployed to the border

to prevent any entry

into the country,

hoping to protect anyone who

could potentially be infected

by this deadly enemy.

We'll be back with

more information

as this story develops,

here, live on GR News.

(ominous music)

- It's a fortress, man.

- I don't see any zombies.

- It's our kingdom.

- Whoa.

Man, there's a door here, man.

But it doesn't take you to,

doesn't take you to anything.

(whimsical music)

- Um.

Yeah.

Seen it all.

Yeah, they can't

even see us in here.

(whimsical music)

- Whoa, man.

This is a trip.

It's like this door

goes somewhere,

but it doesn't go anywhere.

(radio buzzing)

(alert blaring)

It's like we're in a

different dimension, man.

It's like that one

space movie, man.

(alarm blaring)

- Mike, Mike!

- Message.

- Mike!

- [Automated

Message] This warning

is for the following area.

states located on

the West Coast-

- Oh man.

- Of the United States

and surrounding areas.

(Mike muttering)

A viral outbreak has occurred.

It is highly

contagious and lethal.

Please stay in your

homes and do not panic.

If you come into contact

with a sick individual,

please call the Centers for

Disease Control immediately

and quarantine.

Individuals who

present symptoms.

Symptoms include but are

not limited to seizures,

convulsing, cold

skin, sweating, anger,

violent outbursts,

extreme hunger,

and bleeding from the

eyes, nose, mouth and ears.

This is not a test.

(alarm blaring)

(tense music)

- This network is a joke.

Yeah, they pay the

bills, but they suck.

I'm outside right now and

I don't see jack sh*t.

I'm telling you right now, Todd,

if you can't find

me a new network,

I'm walking from them and

I'm finding a new agent.

That's what you get paid for.

I want to be in the mix.

The open was last month.

I should have been there.

Exactly.

(tense music)

I just want to be on

the better network.

I deserve it.

Thanks.

I'll call you back.

(tense music)

(engine sputtering)

(engine sputtering)

f*ck you!

(tense music)

(horn blowing)

Could you have someone

come help me jump my car?

It's dead.

(elevator whirring)

Thanks.

(phone buzzing)

Hey, I'm still at the office.

I'm having car trouble.

I'll call you back later.

I don't have time

for this, Eric.

I'll call you back later.

(tense music)

f*cking p*ssy.

(tense music)

(alarm blaring)

(tense music)

(zombie gurgling)

(victim gasping)

(zombie gurgling)

(radio static buzzing)

(zombies pounding on door)

(zombies growling)

- We need weapons, man.

(intense music)

Oh, f*ck.

First blood, m*therf*cker!

- Are there arrows in there?

- Nope.

Who the f*ck has a

bow without arrows?

God, f*cking d*ck heads!

- These, man.

- [Fred] You're not gonna

cut their hair, man.

Look around!

- Saw, man.

- You're, no, you're not Xena.

Come on, dude.

No, put it away.

What about that?

- f*ck.

Yeah, this, man.

- Yes.

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- They don't want any more, man.

- f*ck Rambo.

Sober m*therf*cker.

(intense music)

- Yo, what the

f*ck is that, man?

(zombie gurgling)

I can't do this, man.

- Hey, uh, skin d*ck.

Get over here.

(zombie growling)

God, this was not

such a good f*cking-

- f*ck is that?

Oh my...

(door rattling)

(Fred grunting)

Oh, sh*t, oh!

(zombie gurgling)

- Guess who's an alcoholic.

- f*ck!

- A little help here!

Little help here!

(Mike screaming)

(intense music)

- [Mike] Oh sh*t.

(zombie gurgling)

He's still alive, man.

I've never k*lled

anybody before, man.

I can't do it.

- Don't worry about it.

I learned this from

Edward Norton, mother!

(flesh squelching)

That's what you

get for pushing me!

- Oh f*ck.

(friends panting)

- You gotta be heartless, man.

You gotta be heartless

to do the right thing.

- f*ck, man.

(zombie laughing)

- Oh.

- Oh sh*t, they're

closing in on us, man.

(zombie laughing)

They're everywhere, man!

Oh f*ck!

We gotta get the

outta here, man.

We can't fight them all.

(zombie gurgling)

Oh, we gotta go!

Let's go!

(tense music)

(plastic shuffling)

Dang it!

(tense music)

Fred?

(zombie moaning)

(phone beeping)

- [Automated

Message] We're sorry-

- f*cking kidding me?

- [Automated Message]

That has been disconnected

or is no longer in-

- Oh, Fred.

(phone ringing)

Pick up, Fred.

(zombie gurgling)

(phone ringing)

Pick up, Fred.

- [Answering Machine]

This is Fred.

Leave a f*cking message.

(zombie growling)

- Oh!

(zombie sniffing)

(zombie growling)

- I smell your flesh.

- What the f*ck?

How can you talk, man?

- Of course I can,

you f*cking idiot.

- How's that even

impossible, man?

- It's in the script.

- Oh, right.

Oh!

Just let me go, please.

I'll give you all,

all of my Dogecoin.

- You f*cking idiot!

- Oh sh*t!

(tense music)

(zombie growling)

(kick thudding)

- You f*cking prick!

You kicked me?

Why would you kick me?

I'm a woman.

The f*ck?

Hanging out.

Does this look

f*cking normal to you?

- Fred, stupid cock sucker!

Where the f*ck are you, man?

Oh sh*t!

- How am I supposed to eat now?

(zombie grunting)

(Mike muttering)

- What the f*ck is that, man?

(tense music)

- Where's the f*cking elevator?

- Why you asking me, man?

I don't know where

the elevator is.

- You literally said,

I'm totally gonna

remember where this is

in case we have to come

back to this later.

- Ah, it's on the way out!

We can find the elevator, man.

- Why didn't you

split that last joint?

- I don't know, it

helps me think, man.

- Supposed to go

to the head one.

- No, I didn't, man.

- I have ruined my

brain with that,

especially when

I'm f*cking high.

You said you were

gonna remember!

- All right, man.

- I distinctly forgot it

because you said you were

going to remember it.

- I'm thinking, I'm

thinking, I'm thinking, man.

All right, so we

went down the hallway

and the zombie chasing

me down that way.

Or we went down the hallway to

the left and we made a right.

When I came back out,

that zombie was chasing me

so it is right...

- We made a left, so this

time we go right, right?

Left or right?

Make the decision.

- Got it, man.

I got it, man.

I know where it is.

I know where to go.

Follow me.

- No other option,

so I guess I have to.

This feels right.

- I found it, man.

- This is not the elevator.

- What, man?

- This is an ice cooler from

a f*cking convenience store.

(Mike sneezes)

How did this even get in here?

Sure, make some more noise.

(Mike sneezes)

Make some more noise

so they can find us.

Zombie, over here!

By the icebox!

- All right, man,

you made your point.

You're being loud enough.

- f*ck.

You really have a

drug problem, man.

- Man, you're right.

- This could cost

us our lives, okay?

- I need an intervention,

I think, man.

- Jesus f*cking Christ.

(tense music)

(zombie laughing)

(zombie yelling)

- Mike, Mike!

What are you doing?

Don't just stand there!

(Fred screaming)

Take your time, man!

- [Mike Voiceover] I can't move.

(hammer thudding)

(zombie laughing)

(tense music)

- [Fred] Come on, man, this way.

(tense music)

- Oh f*ck!

What the f*ck is that, man?

- f*cking hell.

- What the f*ck is going on?

They're zombies, man.

- f*cking zombies.

- We're never getting

outta here, man.

- We're f*cked, dude.

It's inevitable.

(zombie growling)

- What the f*ck is that, man?

(zombie growling)

You okay, grandpa?

- There's only one

thing left to do.

- He's not moving, man.

He's just like, he's

a statue zombie.

- We haven't much time.

- Maybe he wants to

smoke some of that, man?

You want some with his, grandpa?

Grandpa, there you go.

- [Fred] Trippy, man.

- [Mike] Smoking

with grandpa zombie.

He likes it, man.

I think we found the cure, man.

Grandpa.

It's our first session

together, grandpa,

- [Fred] A little mind

opening can convert anybody.

He's done.

- Oh, he finished

the whole thing, man.

- He's done.

- Trippy.

- No more.

There's no more weed.

Okay, well, that's

the last of it.

- That's, that's the last of it?

We don't have any more, man.

He looks like he

wants more, man.

What are we gonna do?

- No, man.

- Come on, we gotta get outta.

Wait, wait, I think,

I think I got some sprout.

Brussels sprouts, man.

- Brussels sprout.

- We got some more weed, man.

It's just in

Brussels sprout form.

- Good stuff.

(zombie growling)

- Oh f*ck, man.

- That's right, it

amplifies your hunger.

It also amplifies your

hunger by like 10,000.

(zombie laughing)

(ominous music)

(determined music)

(sirens wailing)

(determined music continues)

(zombies growling)

(blade scraping)

- f*ck it!

(intense rock music)

We're taking no prisoners

We're taking family

Put that wrench

in his head now

Put that zone in my leg

Come up with a song with

the sound of the k*lling

Soon we'll be gone

and who will be living

Better sing along because

it's time to rally with

Mike and Fred

Who gets the dead

Mike and Fred

Who gets the dead

They're all closing in now

I'm closing my eye

Wading in as they take me

I can take them alive

Make up a song to the

b*at of the b*ating

It's all going wrong

they say sequel of living

Smashing their skulls

three fingers were willing

But you're sprung in the

air and repeat after me

Mike and Fred

Who gets the dead

Mike and Fred

Who gets the dead

Mike and Fred

Who gets the dead

Mike and Fred

Who gets the dead

Mike and Fred

Who gets the dead

Mike and Fred

Who gets the dead

(smooth ominous music)
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