Loves Me, Loves Me Not (2019)

[bunniefuu]

Loves me, Loves me not,
by Ali Silver.

Once, I found a daisy
and I played a simple game.

I picked off all the petals,
it didn't look the same.

Loves me, loves me not.

Was it really worth the sound

to see all the little petals
like teardrops on the ground?

Loves me not.

Let me
get this door.

Keep going, keep going, keep going, okay.

Do you trust me?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Okay, open your eyes.

I must meet
your decorator.

Uh...

Might stain
your clothes, though.

Well, we can't
have that, can we?

No.

Full moon tonight.

Is that okay?

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Aw.

What's with the fake
beard and the crutches?

Oh. Um...

a buddy of mine needed a lift
to an audition the other day.

- Oh.
- Left his stuff in my car in case he gets a call back.

Oh.

What is that on your windshield?

I have no idea
how that got there.

Aw.

See you tonight?

Hi,
you've reached Eva Silver.

Tip for the day:
write the bad things

that happen to you in sand,

carve the good things
that happen to you

on a slab of marble,

and leave a message at the beep.

Hi, Mom, it's me.

How are you?
I was just calling to say hi,

but I also wanted to tell you
that I spent another day

with that guy
I was telling you about,

and I think this one
is a keeper.

I love you.

Loves me.

Loves me not.

Loves me.

Loves me not.

Loves me.

Loves me not.

Loves me.

Loves me not.

Loves me.

Loves me not.

Loves me.

Loves me not.

Loves me.

Loves me not.

Give me the tennis bracelet.

Loves me.

Any one
in particular?

All of them!
Let's go, all of them!

Loves me not.

Come on, all of them!

Oh, sh*t, sh*t!

Loves me.

No. No, it's not...

Loves me not.

Loves me.

Your name was
in his cell phone and photos

that led me to believe
that you were his girlfriend.

So I'm going to have to ask you
for whatever gifts he gave you

to match them against police
reports of stolen items.

Don't worry, you're not
going to get in any trouble.

Also, you want
to check your credit cards,

because he had
a rap sheet that included

fraud and identity theft.

I just wish life
would behave itself.

And men.

I don't have a rap sheet.

Excuse me?

You're sweet,
and you deserve better.

Have you ever thought
about dating a police detective?

You're asking me this now?

I admit, it's
bad timing, but if,

if I could have your number,

after a couple of weeks,
maybe a cup of coffee?

How do you know
I wasn't Bonnie to his Clyde?

It's what I do for a living.

Well, you already have my number

on the cell phone,
and the pictures.

I'll delete the ones
you're thinking of.

Thanks.

Babe, I got your 911
and came as fast

- as I could.
- "Run, Forrest, Run Guy" is dead.

- What?
- He got sh*t, 18 times, one sh*t missed.

Holy f*ck.

I'm cursed.

- You're not cursed.
- I ignore that little red flag voice

because when we met
we were innocent kids.

It felt like nine-year-old
Ali finally got a keeper.

Come on, Ali.

You find Brock
on Facebook and what?

A month later you're going
through brides magazines?

You were Phi Beta Kappa
and all that bull crapper.

You should know how to navigate
this parade of men.

Charade of men.

You will do better, I know it.

You're just
saying that to be nice.

Does that
sound like me?

Do you realize that there are
days I wish I was in your shoes?

Mine?

Yes, even though
you're a hot mess.

My picker has just broken.

You have freedom.

I suppose.

Thanks for not saying
I told you so.

So you do remember?

After the first time you met him you
said, "Run like he's a house on fire."

But he wasn't a house on fire,

he was more like
a candy store on fire.

You know you should flee,
but it just...

smells too good.

Sorry, bestie.

I love you, Veronica.

So, I guess "Run, Forrest,
Run Guy" is "Dead Guy" now?

Too soon?

I'm sorry, come here.

You got it.

We were supposed
to be surfing tonight.

I haven't discussed this before

because, if I start
from the beginning,

it'll take freaking forever.

Remember, we're working
on naming our feelings,

about our problem?

Like we've done before
in single words.

Humiliated.

Unlovable.

Worthless.

Let's start with humiliated.

It involves Dylan.

Dylan from our group?

We used to go out...

but I wouldn't go
all the way like the others.

I'd let him do
everything else, but...

then he stopped
hanging out with me and...

told me I was a cock tease.

Come to find out

he's actually been
throwing sh*t on me

about certain private parts.

Do you want to know
what he's been saying?

Only if you think
it's important.

I want to say it.

He's been telling people
that I have really long lips.

Oh.

They call me "Lily long lips."

I have no control
over what it looks like.

Of course not.

And it's bull anyway.

We all come in different
shapes and sizes.

Seriously, there is
no right or wrong

when it comes to private parts.

I read about
this operation online,

labiaplasty.

The important thing to think
about is to avoid anyone

who would shame you
over anything.

Do you want to know
the really messed up thing?

The thing I want most
to happen now.

What is that?

I want to f*ck Dylan.

And I want him to love it.

Many of us will pick
the worst ways to feel loved,

desired, worthy.

Now, I want you to read
this out loud every day:

"I love and accept myself.

Where I am right now.

I am safe."

I want you to read it,

and practice believing it.

And I'll see you on Wednesday.

You know, I wish I could be
just like you, Miss Silver.

You really have
your act together.

Thank you.

Meet the denizens of the Sandpiper
Apartment Complex in Malibu.

Trust fund babies, models,
alcoholics, the lost people.

Everyone looks toned, tanned,
and deceptively healthy.

But I loved him,
he was so sweet.

Should have known
he wasn't a bond trader,

he couldn't figure out
the tip at a restaurant.

He figured out
how to max out your Visa.

Fashion show!

Watch out when an Iranian
and a Russian joined forces.

Everyone, I've had an epiphany.

From this day forward,
I am done with all men.

- You need a chick?
- I'd probably end up with a nightmare like you.

Right.

I love you too,
my green-eyed angel.

I'm serious, abstinence
from this day forward.

There's a Persian saying.

Of course there is.

You don't quit drinking water
because a glass once broke.

You already know what
I think: Mr. Nice Guy.

Ugh, too nice.

But I thought you said
he was good in bed?

That was Stalker Guy number two,

not buying that horse again.

Nice Guy had sex with about
as much improvisation

as the formula
for the isosceles triangle.

Will Finnegan begin again?

I saw him in US Magazine,

roundhouse kicking
his own father in the nuts.

But I saw on TMZ
that he was clean and sober.

I doubt that, all those years
in and out of rehab.

Plus, you know how
shitty he treated me.

Who is Finnegan?

He devirginized Ali.

You think that would be
vodka under the bridge by now.

Some rotten experiences
you carry with you forever.

Life is not fair.

Women can fake orgasms,

but men can fake love.

- Poor me.
- Poor you.

Pour her a drink.

Mm.

There goes another potato!

Oh, sh*t.

I'm not a narc, losers.

We just assumed you
didn't want to participate.

It's all right, dude,
you want a bump?

- I'm good.
- I'm in.

Me too.

- Righty or lefty?
- Righty.

There you go.

Boom.

Ali?

Yes, trust fund baby whose
first words were room service?

Stop bottom b*ating.
Give Mr. Nice Guy another sh*t.

Have you been banging him?

Not since I've
been seeing Dead Guy.

- Rest in peace.
- Wake up, Ali.

You're running out of runway,
and he's Nice Guy.

When I forage for my food,

it allows me to focus
on flavor and ideas.

To reconnect into the world
that existed before we got...

little too fast.

In a really superficial world,

it's hard to get
something that is real.

So Instagramable.

Can't have that level
of uniqueness of flavor

unless you diversify
what you're using.

Um, I'm all for diversity.

Um...

Get out, so good!

Um!

- Want more?
- Yeah.

Ali, I'm not sure
why you shut me out,

but I really missed you.

I missed you too,
I'm glad I called.

How about you move in with me?

Whoa, no way.

I know, I know it's fast,

but you would love it here.

Right from the first time we met
at that foster home fundraiser,

you said that being a mom
was your greatest hope.

My specific hope
was to be a parent

to a child who needed a home.

I figured
if you're okay to fostering

you'd be open to the whole...

nuclear thing as well.

I think we're
getting ahead of ourselves.

Cart before the horse
and all that.

Listen, if you
didn't like living here,

you could always leave.
No drama.

Baby...

when it comes to you...

I'm all in.

So what do you say
we get all in the pool?

Charming segue.

- It's beckoning.
- Oh, is it now?

I have a surprise for you.

Something that
I hope will turn you on.

I always thought that maybe
you felt I was uptight in bed.

No, Jake, not at all.

It mean we need to be
more adventurous together.

Meaning?

Uh, I think it's time
to explore our fantasies a bit.

I asked someone to come over.

There is no romantic connection,

so, if you're interested...

Well, aren't you
the unpredictable one?

When the hedges get trimmed,
the tree stands taller.

And here she is right now.

Ali, this is Jazmine.
Jazmine, Ali.

My pleasure.

Hi. Hi there.

Why don't you, uh,
join us in the water?

And there it is.

You did say you're all
for diversity.

Hey.

I'm so sorry,
I should've told you

before I sprang that on you.

- You think?
- I wanted to be real with you.

Doesn't mean I'm gay.

Not that there is
anything wrong with it.

I just think I need
some time to wrap

- my head around this.
- Don't let this change things between us.

Uh, I got another call, I got to bounce.

Hey, will you still
think about moving in...

Ah, sh*t.

- Hello?
- Hi.

This is Chris Perley.

Detective Perley, from the,
from the whole sh**ting thing.

You said that
I could give you a call.

Is this a bad time?

Eight-year-old
Margaret needs the stability

and love of a forever family.

In today's Foster Friday's,
we meet this resilient girl.

Dylan.

- Hi, Miss Silver.
- Hi.

I just wanted to make sure
you were handling this well.

What?

You know, the talk.

It can be hard
hearing about things

that are beyond your control.

What are
you talking about?

That they're calling anything
unusually small a "Dylan d*ck."

High schoolers can be so mean.

If you want to talk about it,
my door is always open.

Miss Silver.

Finnegan.

I knew you'd still be in Malibu.

You don't look
surprised or pleased.

Uh. It's...

- Can I come in?
- Uh.

- Please?
- Uh.

They let you
have animals in rehab?

I'm in outpatient
sober living now.

The dog is for you.

I'm allergic.

Oh, uh, oh.

I guess I'll keep him
for myself.

Um.

So, uh, maybe you read

that my dad and me
were in jail together,

for assaulting each other.

I may have seen
something about it

in the rags
at the checkout line.

What a perfect
Shanksgiving that was.

That is when you spend
Thanksgiving behind bars.

- Good to know.
- Yeah.

Ali, uh...

this is the longest
that I've been sober.

I've gone through
most of the steps

and you are on my amends list.

About time.

Why do so many of my exes

wind up in rehab,
but never make amends to me?

I'm trying to now.

I saw the dog and some old guy

was giving him away
across the street.

I figured, that was a sign

to tell you that
I'm really sorry.

Aren't you supposed to take into
account that it might hurt me more

to have to deal with you again?

I'm pretty sure
it won't go like that.

Listen, I have thought
about this for many years,

and stayed away since
I was a mess for so long.

I was an idiot back then.
Be glad I disappeared.

Just because it was
a long time ago

doesn't mean I forgot.

You slept with me
knowing that I loved you,

and left me waiting
for the call that never came.

You simply vanished
like a guilty thought.

- I didn't mean it like that.
- No, even that dog knows the difference between

being stumbled over
and being kicked.

I want to make it up to you.
I really do.

Can you give me
my virginity back?

Let me set things right. Please.

At least let me try to help you
understand the why of it all.

God willing, you'll, uh...

give me a second chance.

The last guy I gave
a second chance to

ended up like Tony Montana.

"Say hello to my little friend."

You were always good
at imitating other characters,

how are you doing
at being yourself?

Ali.

Is it really
a dog allergy or is it me?

We'll see.

You can call me
on my school line,

and no stalking.

Oh, uh, that, that is
good enough for me.

- Bye for now. Bye.
- Bye.

You checking me out?

You may have changed, but you're
still full of yourself.

Or full of something.

I'll take that as a yes.

Bye.

And now he wants to take
you out to spread his bullshit

as if it's the peanut butter
choosy mothers choose.

And you'll fall for it,
hook, line and sinker.

I do have a sweet tooth
for second chances.

And third, and fourth.

You've been on this merry-go-round
too many times, Ali.

So what would you
have me tell him?

I'd say what Clark Gable
never quite said:

"Frankly, my duck,
I don't give a f*ck."

And ghost that douche nozzle.

We were both only 16.

Needless to say I didn't write
about it in the virginity box.

But, maybe I could use
some closure.

Maybe that'll work.

Damn, I forgot about that.

- What?
- Our virginity box.

Oh, yeah! We painted
cherries all over it,

and promised when either
one of us lost our cherry...

We'd leave
a note in the box!

I think I know
where it is.

I can't believe you
still had it squared away.

Now that is some dusty weed.

Swiped from my mom's
secret stash.

I can't believe we didn't
smoke or drink this all.

No, we were saving some
in case of an earthquake

or a nuclear fallout.

Remember the first time
we got wasted?

- It was like, 14, I think.
- Thirteen.

Oh, and we tried to roll
a joint with a tampon wrapper.

And you had this bright idea
of using notebook paper.

f*ck off, that was your idea.

"Qualities of a devirginizer."

He must be hilarious.

- Oh, ride gnarly waves.
- Love movies.

Be humble.

Wear boxers.

Great dancer.

Luscious lips.

He must not be embarrassed
to make valentines with us.

- Be a Scorpio.
- Be a Taurus.

Um, look at this.

And they lived
happily ever after.

Now there is
some wishful thinking.

- And the dog?
- Turns out he has leukemia.

Started to take him
to chemo twice a week.

There is a reason
he ended up in my hands,

so I could take care of him.

I really am allergic.

Mm-hmm.

So, do you like this place?

It's just like the surf shop
we used to hang out on the PCH.

Good times.

I own it.

Get out!

My crew thinks that
I should put up posters

of my father rocking
out on stage or something.

The old school surfers
would love it,

but I wanted this
to be the one thing

that I did without
his shadow over it.

So, I used the money
from that train wreck

reality show to buy this place.

None of it was his money.

We used to talk about owning
a place like this one day.

We did?

Ali, I can't remember
all the things

that I did to hurt you.

A, you were
so coked up after prom

you couldn't keep it
hard enough to finish.

Then maybe it doesn't count.

You made me bleed.

It counts.

And you lied to me
that it was your first time,

but then I found out
about your devirginizing spree

and that I was
just number whatever.

I wished you were my first.

Not some random who
really wanted to screw my dad.

I was a consolation prize,
but good enough so that she could boast

that she got it on
with the son of a rock god.

I was 13.

Ali, I went through all those women
knowing that you were different.

That you were like an angel,
way too good for me.

- Hardly an angel.
- Well, I made a pact with myself

to stay far away to protect you.

I have no excuses,
but I have my reasons.

Did you have a reason
that you left me right after?

Not a word.

Where the hell
did you go, anyway?

I went to a dealer.

My father's dealer, actually,

and the three of us
smoked cr*ck all night.

The start of a week-long bender.

You chose dr*gs over me.

Back then, and for many years,

I would choose dr*gs
over anything.

But not anymore?

No, no, no, no.

I'm alive.

And I'm glad to be right here.

Me too.

I loved you then, Ali.

I messed up
and I haven't forgotten it.

I'm not asking
for your forgiveness,

but maybe someday...

Well, I admit, I,
I've been selfish

to make assumptions
about your life

and been blaming you
for all the loser men in mine,

even though I've heard about
your troubles in the tabloids,

and reading
your brother's memoir.

Well, that gave you some idea of
the sh*t show that I went through.

What do you say to a truce?

Sounds good.

Better yet, how about a do-over?

Did you do
your homework, Billy?

"Fears of a teen with
sitophobia and numerophobia."

You got the names down pat.

Yeah, I remember sitophobia

because it sounds
like shitaphobia,

- without the H.
- Okay, go on.

"All of my fears come
down to the same thing:

If I don't do things my way,

then something
dreadful will happen.

If the TV volume
isn't an odd number,

then something terrible will happen.
If the TV channel isn't odd,

then something terrible
will happen."

So much for watching
Bojack Horseman.

"If I choose a candy
from your box of them,

then it has to be three candies
over and three down.

Or I'll get a dreadful disease."

You know what, Billy?

Thoughts are just thoughts,
not threats.

I, I can't go back on the meds.

I already told my psychiatrist,

they make me feel dopey all day.

Okay, you know what?
Let's talk progress.

Like the exposure therapy.

Well, my mom couldn't believe

that I only put my clothes

in the washer once
instead of three or five times.

See?

That's terrific.

You know, I think
you're ready for this one,

otherwise I wouldn't offer it.

One, two, three,
one, two, three.

I, I'm not hungry.

- Billy.
- No.

My friend Veronica
makes these chocolates.

I've seen her little factory,

it's so clean,
you could eat off the floor.

- Ali.
- Okay, okay, maybe you wouldn't,

but let me just tell
you something, these chocolates

are not going to
give you a disease.

I can promise you that.
And you want to know what?

They're really delicious.

You can do it,
just close your eyes,

anchor your positive thoughts,

and pick a random piece.

I bet I know what this is.

Two free tickets
to that deprivation t*nk

I was telling you about.

- You should come with me.
- Oh, I'm claustrophobic.

Two hours floating
in water in total blackness?

It's also in blackness
that we see the light.

Is that one of those
wise Persian sayings?

Think about it.

My lady.

I see you wore
your best bib and tucker.

And you look like a waiter
in a 1980's luau.

Our carriage awaits.

We're making
such an effort to find out

if there's intelligent life
out there on other planets,

but did we ever think that,
if it existed,

they would be doing
the same thing?

Trying to find us.
Think about it.

The most important evidence
that we're alone,

is that we are alone.

We should go to church sometime.

You do know I'm Jewish.

Only half,
your mom is Christian.

She married four Jewish guys,
Jewish by injection.

Sorry, that was crass.

You'll, you'll figure it out.

Well, how about this Sunday?

There is a potluck
and there is a band, and...

You don't
have to try so hard.

I'm sorry, I'm not used
to doing this sober.

I'm just worried. Driver, turn this
thing around and let's get home and...

Do you know why
we have this spot here?

This indentation.

Tell me.

I was at this meditation retreat
and there was a shaman there.

You believe in that stuff?

I'm always searching.

So, he was talking about angels
and I couldn't relate,

so he said this thing
that rang true to me.

He said, "Before we come
into this world as a baby,

we already know everything

about our past,
present and future.

But, at the exact
moment of birth,

an angel comes down
and goes: 'Shh...'

So we spend our whole lives

trying to remember
what we already know."

Finn, you made your mark on me.

Permanent.

Like a tattoo.

Bad tattoo, but hey, we were 16.

And I'm ready for our do-over.

I have a condom.

We don't need it.

Oh, I insist.

We can mess around,
but not all the way.

Okay.

Why not?

When I hit bottom...

I found Jesus.

Was he playing hide and seek?

He came to me, he spoke to me.

Oh. Eight billion people
and he spoke to you?

He speaks to many.

He showed me the way
and it's the path I've taken.

I'm celibate.

As in "you'll sell-a-bit"
and give the rest for free?

I mean it.

I know this is weird
coming from me.

Finn?

You said this was our do-over,

like as in you'd make love to me

on high thread count linens.

As in you wouldn't
kick me to the curb.

As in you wouldn't
disappear without a trace.

I don't want to disappear.

Ali, we definitely
have a connection.

We could start
going to church together.

There is a lot of cool
born-again couples.

Two weeks ago, I suddenly found
myself speaking in tongues.

We can still be naked.

I'll even go down on you.

Oh, how generous.

I just can't go further
until you're truly committed.

- To?
- Accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior.

Sex is only for married couples
to create babies.

I want us to go
to heaven together,

but I'm worried about you.

About me?

Hanging out with sinners.

Didn't Jesus hang out
with a prost*tute?

Hell is real.

Ali, you can't compromise God,
it's in Revelation.

God said, "Because you're
neither hot nor cold,

I spit you out of my mouth."

I don't want you to end up
in eternal damnation.

Friends, lovers, losers,
lend me your ears.

I come not to praise men,
but to bury them.

New name for Finnegan, anybody?

"Jesus of Malibu."

- "Born again Finnegan."
- "Christ on a soft core."

Oh, oh, Finnegan
won't put it in again.

Yeah, wait, wait, wait.

I have something to praise to.

Guess who has
the best d*ck in Malibu?

Ali's brother, John!

No!

You didn't, oh.

I gave him a grain job.

What is a grain job?

A blow job in a hybrid.

That is so disgusting
on so many levels.

I present to you my one
faithful girlfriend:

Molly.

Darling.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I'm happy where I am.

f*ck it, I want to be
somewhere else, I'm in.

I'm out.

Oh, don't do me like that.

Yeah, you're really ready
to be a mom.

You'd have to be Rosetta Stone
to understand that.

You want to try some things?

Kiss me.

So you can go to prison
for doing this?

Oh, yeah, nothing
that can seem like dancing

between man and woman.

Between two men.

No wonder you white tailed it.

Yeah, the moment I got out
of Iranian air space,

I tossed my hijab

and I ordered champagne

on my way to USA.

God bless America.

How long have I known you, Joe?

Time is relative.

And in all of that time,

Have I ever asked if you can...

You never asked.

Are you able to have sex?

Yes, why do you ask?

Cause I'm diggng you hella heavy...

You're not doing this
because you feel sorry for me?

Because I don't
want anybody's pity.

No, I'm doing this because

it makes me feel good right now.

I think we have a connection.

Don't you think
we have a connection?

f*ck, yeah.

Hello?

Hi, this is Detective Perley

from the Malibu
Sheriff's Department.

I hope I'm not
calling too early.

No. Um,

I'm sorry about
not calling you back. I, um.

No problem, no problem.
I'm actually phoning

regarding Brock Sheridan.

I have something
that I think you'd want.

- Oh, what's that?
- Um.

Well, I thought
it must have been stolen,

but it wasn't reported,
so I took a closer look

and it was engraved.

Ali and Brock forever.

It's an engagement ring.

Oh.

It's, uh, here at the station,

if you want to come by
and pick it up.

Or I could bring it to you.

Uh, could I call you back?

There's somebody at the door.

Bad timing again, okay.

Um, well, it's
under lock and key

so come by whenever you can...

Hello?

Ugh.

What happened to you?

Let's just say my party
went from ecstasy to agony.

Consequences.

Well, don't gloat
just because you were right.

Plus, it was
a shitty thing to say,

about me not
being ready to be a mom.

Yeah, I thought
about that, wasn't cool.

You're supposed
to be on my side,

even when you know I'm wrong.

I'm sorry.

And I need a favor.

I expect to see
some groveling first.

Pick up Chloe
from school tomorrow?

I have a convention.

- I'd love to.
- Great.

You know what, Ali,
what I should have said was

you don't need a man
to complete you.

You don't even need
a man to raise a child.

I guess.

- Guess?
- Suppose.

- Suppose?
- All right, I know!

Well then, pull your head
out of your butt

and do something about it.

You can handle it, I think.

You know, if you'll excuse me,
I'm late for a pity party.

What else is wrong?

Let's see, my goody
two-shoes doctor

won't prescribe me
enough pain pills,

my neck is k*lling me.

And I got a marriage proposal
from beyond the grave.

Dead Guy's ghost? Damn.

Stay with me, V?

I got Haagen-Dazs
and I don't want to be alone.

You know I would if I could.

I got to pick up Chloe
from a birthday party.

Got to bolt.

Love you.

Aw!

Baby.

Got your message.

I have solutions
to all your troubles.

Ex-girlfriend is
an anesthesiologist.

Still writes me
as many scripts as I want.

We'll begin with OxyContin

and Adderall,

maybe some pot.

Keeps everything smooth.

Oh!

We party all life!

Hey dude, check it out. This is what
she was like for my appointment.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, out for the count.

Oh, f*ck. sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

- How could you flake on this?
- I just...

I, I, I fell, I fell asleep.

- I totally spaced. Is she okay?
- If it was just me.

But my child, your goddaughter.

- But, but, but Chloe's okay?
- I told you I couldn't be there.

I know, I know.

I, I'm so sorry.

But is she okay?

For fucks sake, yes, she's okay.

My ex mother-in-law was able

to pick her up from school
before it closed.

She waited two hours.

Anything could
have happened to her.

Why didn't she call somebody?

She f*cking did call someone,
she called you!

Check your damn messages.

I'm never going to
forget this one.

Veronica, I get it.

I said I was sorry.

But you're making this

something worse that it is.

The school wouldn't have
left her there,

- they know sh*t happens...
- Are you seriously

rationalizing your behavior?

You're selfish and delusional.

I get that you're upset,
but your coming at me

loaded for a bear
with your barrage of insults

- isn't going to...
- You want to hear a barrage of insults?

Ali, look, I know you've
been through a sh*t load,

but the drama
and the dr*gs are getting stale.

You're acting like some
rebelling self-centered teenager.

And you're acting
like a hysterical bitch!

I don't want to be around you.

Are you serious?

After everything
I've done for you.

And now to see how
insignificant I am to you.

How unimportant your
goddaughter has become to you.

Why don't you
and your Russian model

just crash and burn without me?

Ugh, you are being so extra.

You wouldn't understand,

you don't have children.

You idiot.

Detective, you scared
the bejesus out of me.

Sorry, what happened
to your neck?

Ugh, hard to explain.

You came to the station
for the ring.

I thought if I had you bring it
to me, it would be weird,

like you were proposing to me.

Yeah.

I figure I'll sell the ring.

Make sense. Dollars and sense.

- Anyways, uh, thanks for the extra effort.
- Can I call you, Ali?

That is my name.

On the phone.

Ugh, no.

I mean, all right already.

You can come by Friday at eight

and try not to dress
like a detective.

I'll come undercover.

Or you'll cum under my covers.

Oh, Ali, Jesus.

Sometimes I have
diarrhea of the mouth.

Sometimes I have
constipation of the brain,

so, makes for a good couple.

I'll, I'll see you Friday,
feel better.

Hey, don't I know you from...

well, I like to call
him Mr. Nice Guy.

That he is.

Looks painful.

Oh, long story.

Have a seat.

- I'm sorry.
- For?

For bolting like that.

Only you left in such a rush

you forgot your bag of weed.

I finished it.

Finders keepers.

Jazmine, it has
nothing to do with you.

I have kids at my school
who are gender fluid

and every other combination.

It was just that I,

I realized that I didn't want
to share my man with anybody.

It's just not who I am.

But you're beautiful, Jazmine,

and I love how you're
so comfortable with who you are.

I wish there was somebody
as amazing as you are

when I was back in high school.

It would have saved me
a lot of shame, my...

my dad, he was okay with it all,
but my mom... Jesus.

When was the last time
you talked to her?

It's been a while.

I call mine, leave messages.

I get to hear her voice,
even though it's just

a recording
that will expire soon.

How long has it been
since she passed away?

Nine months.

She's getting your message
in some kind of way.

I miss her.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Oh, my gosh, I got to go, hun.

I can't be late for
my laser lady at Luscious Legs.

Try saying that four times fast.

Take care of yourself,

uh, and if you see Nice Guy,
tell him I say, hey.

And no hard feelings, seriously.

Will do.

Take care, okay.

Those are
from the Ebigee Tribe.

I got those when
I was traveling in Nigeria.

It was a crazy trip.

Do you, do you like to travel?

Um, I don't get out much.

Um, who is that?

Oh, yeah, that's my father.

He is so serious.

He was a painter, composer.

Needless to say I didn't
really take after him.

But I love art,
and the symphony.

Oh, he, um, was right in the
middle of this when he passed away.

He always said:
"Art is a race against death."

Um.

Looks like he lost
the race right there.

- Okay, you ready?
- Uh, maybe.

Which would you choose,

be alone for the rest
of your life,

or surrounded
by annoying people?

I am surrounded
by annoying people.

- Present company excepted.
- Thank you.

And I am alone.

Present company excepted.

My turn.

Which would you choose...

to smoke 50 cigarettes in a row

or drink 12 beers in a row?

That's going to be tough, because
I've never had a cigarette or a beer.

Shut up.

No beer, no pot.

Never had a cup
of coffee, an aspirin.

And I've never missed
a morning run.

- Um, Clean Marine.
- Yeah.

I bet my wine
was a big fail then.

Uh, no, it's just,

see, my mom was addicted
to all of them.

So I swore to myself I'd never
let anything control me.

Okay, um, next.

Which would you choose,

have your best friend
catch you lying

or lie to your best friend?

Um.

I'd hate to be caught lying, so,

assuming that is the worst.

I've never lied
to my best friend,

but I have lied for her.

I sense a story coming on.

No, no, I mean,

I haven't told anybody about it,

except my best friend,
because she was there.

But top secret.

It's okay.

All good,
you don't have to tell me.

I mean, I opened up
about my mom and everything.

- It's okay, I mean, it's okay.
- Fine, I'll tell you.

- Okay.
- Don't say anything.

I was hanging out by the pool
with my best friend

and her daughter Chloe,
we're just chilling.

And I went inside
to use the bathroom

and when I came out,
my best friend was asleep

and her daughter was
face down in the pool.

I had to do mouth
to mouth and everything,

it was really bad.

And how is the kid?

She's good,
but it was a close call.

- You did good.
- Thank you.

But then, her husband came home

and their marriage
was already on the rocks,

and I knew if he found out
he would hold it against her,

so I lied to him
and said that I fell asleep

and that she saved her kid.

You took the fall,
I mean, that's a good friend.

Thanks, I love her.

Can I ask you, do you ever
want to have children?

I, I can't.

Thank you,
Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser Syndrome.

Um, if you want to have some
wine, it's fine with me. I'm...

- It's okay, it's fine. It's okay.
- No, no, no.

If you can go
your whole life without it,

I don't need to have
a glass of wine.

I'm curious about something.

You know what
that did to the cat.

From what I've seen,
your choice in suitors

is not to be relied on.

Why is that?

As Princess Leia said
in the garbage compactor scene,

"It's not over yet."

Oh, that's good,

because I can be relied on.

- No crap, Kojak?
- No, no crap.

I never thought I would actually

get to say this literally,

but is there a g*n
in your pocket

or are you just happy with me?

Which would you choose?

Ali?

I never sleep with a woman
on the first date.

I'm really hoping
there is going to be a second.

You really do have self-control.

Yeah, dude,
check it out,

this is what she was
like for my appointment.

Oh, out for the count.

Someone linked it up
to the school home page.

No comment?

Maybe I did hire you too young.

I'm processing.

Look, we both know
nothing happens on this campus

without me being aware of it.

This is what I do,
I'm here, I'm present.

25 years sober.

And here is the rub.

It's out of my hands now.

Now that everybody's seen it,

I'm going to have to explain it
to the school board

and to Supervisor Gibbs.

You know it's guilty until proven
innocent with that bunch of piranhas.

- Am I on trial for napping?
- No.

But you will be
for taking this too lightly.

How in the hell did
you get yourself caught up

in such an awkward
situation in the first place?

I fell asleep in my office.

I was in a lot of pain,
and I needed a quick cat nap.

And you didn't notice somebody
filming you from head to toe?

That is not some kind
of safe napping.

And what happened to your neck?

I don't feel that is pertinent.

Incorrect!

If you're under medication
while on the job,

you must log in with the nurse,

along with the doctor's
prescription.

And that is pertinent.

Do you realize the legalities
I have to go through

on a daily basis
with the parents here?

Principal Davis?

Once you've seen
somebody run over by a bus...

it's hard to figure out what to
do with the rest of your day.

My God, you did?

I saw her on the sidewalk
with her walker.

I guess the bus driver didn't.

And just like that,

game over.

I think you should go home,

I think you're
in a mild state of shock.

I got to shake this off.

Do the best I can for my kids.

Well, I assure you
this will not happen again.

See that old lady
run over by a bus?

My situation.

I, I promise, Principal Davis,

I, I will make sure to log

all medication in
with the nurse.

Maybe it's time
you took inventory,

and figure out your part
in this fiasco.

Meaning what?

Meaning that, if you got
kittens in the oven,

you don't call them muffins.

If it's not dark chocolate,
there's no point.

What?

I finally found
my Clean Marine's "oholic,"

as in chocoholic.

Buyer beware, life won't
be worth living in 2021.

Oh, why is that?

It's when the world's supply

of sustainable cocoa
will be devastated.

There will be a global
chocolate drought.

Um, the clock is ticking.

You got to get it while you can.

- Chocolatey.
- Very.

- Can I use your bathroom?
- Oh.

I don't know, can you?

I hated when my teacher
would say that to me.

- Right. It's so evil.
- Yeah. The worst.

- It's just down the hall.
- Okay.

Ali.

Is everything okay?

Um.

Okay, whatever you have
to say, just say it.

Okay, um.

Ali, what we've started
can't last.

Your world is just too crazy,

and if there's one thing I've
learned from my past marriages...

Marriages? You didn't
tell me there were two.

- Or more?
- One thing I've learned

is I have to stop
trying to rescue women.

So that's your conclusion
based on your snooping?

You have a bottle of Oxy in
someone else's name, Adderall...

You know, I don't appreciate
people going through my sh*t.

Well then, if you
have nothing to hide...

You know, you're
the biggest f*cking

control freak in the world.

I'm done trying
to catch a falling Kn*fe.

Well, I don't need rescuing.

Good, because I'm not
a lifeguard anymore.

No, you're just a f*cking guy

with a badge
and a stick up his ass.

The door is
right over there, Ali.

Don't forget your Oxy.

I had a f*cking neck injury.

f*ck you.

Mature.

In the last month,

we've had formal complaints
from Dylan and his parents

and Lily and her parents about your
poor judgment, inappropriate behavior,

and unethical choices.

Dylan, can you share with us
what Miss Silver said to you?

She told me that
all the other students

were calling anything small...

a Dylan d*ck.

They weren't, she was just

trying to freak me out.

Lily, would you mind telling us

what made you feel uncomfortable

about your sessions
with Miss Silver?

She was just...

I'm pretty sure she hates men.

Lily, why are you doing this?

We're the ones
asking the questions here.

You two may go now.

You have also been caught
on video sleeping seductively.

Seductively?

Are you joking?

I, I don't know
who took that video,

but, um, I felt violated.

You also have admitted
on being on a medication

without informing
the school nurse as required.

And now, we have
a star athlete parent's

- threatening to sue the school.
- Hmm.

Due to
your erratic behavior,

I'm asking that you take
a drug test immediately.

And if you fail to do so,
I must ask for your resignation.

And if you do not
want to comply with this,

I will terminate your work here,
effective immediately.

Well, I guess I was wrong.

You did get to see another
woman get run over again.

Stop it.

Stop it!

f*ck off!

Tell me, baby.

I was fired.

Oh.

What can I do to help?

Take me away.

Far, far away.

I thought you might say that.

What am I, in kindergarten?

Just wait.

How do you feel?

Like I'm swimming in a pool
of warm marshmallows.

That's fent, all right.

Close your eyes, my beauty.

Have you ever kissed Veronica?

I've never kissed any girl.

Ali? Ali!

Wake up, wake up.

Ali, wake up.

Hi,
you've reached Eva Silver.

Tip for the day:
write the bad things

that happen to you in sand,

carve the good things
that happen to you

on a slab of marble,

and leave a message at the beep.

The mailbox is full and cannot accept

any messages at this time.
Goodbye.

Mommy.

I must be such
a disappointment to you.

This is not what
you'd want for me.

I wish I could hear you tell me
that one day I'll get it right.

That this is just
the end of what you taught me

was an annus horribilis,

a horrible year,
written in sand.

Love yourself.

It's like
this thing I was told,

it's in total blackness
that you can see the light.

In the t*nk, images
and memories flow in and out,

and it gave me
a safe place to process

and to get honest with myself.

Move through
the ridiculousness of it all.

I didn't know what
you'd been going through.

As in fired from my job,

not living an authentic
grown-up life,

my first and last ride
in the back of an ambulance.

Wow, I'm glad you're safe.

It was a real wake up call.

I'm going to start back with
the foster parenting classes.

Get back to what is important.

So, you're cool
doing it on your own?

Yeah, I am.

But I can't be a foster parent
until I get a job,

so it's a whole process.

I may be able
to help you out with that.

I know one of the board
of directors of Promises Rehab,

right here in Malibu.

They're looking
for another therapist.

Past drug use isn't a detriment,
it's a requirement.

That would be incredible.

So, how is your girlfriend,
what did you say her name was?

Carmen.

- We're engaged.
- Oh, I forgot, you move fast.

What did you say about, uh...

I told Carmen
that I'm from Kansas,

that I forage for my own food,

and I like threesomes
with women like Jazmine.

And?

She said:

"I've never met anybody
from Kansas before."

Right?

- It's good to see you.
- Um, it's good to see you.

- I'm glad you're doing well.
- Thank you.

sh*t.

It's supposed to be here
somewhere.

How could I get a zit at my age?

I'm supposed to be
worried about wrinkles

and sun damage, not zits.

Can you relax?
You got this.

That's what Nice Guy said,
I wouldn't win this interview without him.

Nice Guy has really
been living up to his name.

And I wouldn't
be here without you.

The hospital visits,
the rest of it.

I couldn't lose my best friend.

Even if she was
being a dumb ass.

Just put toothpaste on it.

That is blue, I need a conceal.

Ugh, there is
so much sh*t in here.

- Dress or pants?
- Um, wear pants, uh, the purple sweater set

with the gold and porcelain
buttons or whatever.

Oh, what about
that pink turtleneck?

Or maybe a red dress or something, you don't
want to show too much skin, never mind.

- OxyContin?
- Really?

Pot?

Condoms.

You're a superstar.

Who am I kidding
about the condoms?

You got Foster Friday's on?

As always.

Ah, I'm still fixing my face.

I feel like I'm 13.

Hey, yo, you remember
that kid from last year, Leo?

The one who tripped
the cameraman and got

paint all over
the anchor's hair and stuff?

Yeah, we loved him.

Not the hair!

Well, he is back.

I thought he had
his forever home.

Apparently not.

It's going to be tough for him,
though, his being so old.

He is special.

Expressive eyes.
Wise old soul, right?

Yeah, but he's
a handful, though.

Remember last year I said it?

I told you, I said this guy,

this kid would be
a good match for me.

But you couldn't commit.

Hold on, are we
seriously talking about this?

I'll imagine it
carved in marble.

Are you okay, Mom?

Yeah, it's just the first time
you've called me "mom."

At first, I thought
you were stuck with me

being the oldest one
at the foster home.

Know this, you were
my first and only choice,

so, now you're stuck with me.

Welcome back to the 'bu.

Sure we lost Ali,
one of our boldest soldiers,

but don't worry, no fire,
mudslide, earthquake,

or fallen soldier is going to
stop us from doing what we do.

Mojito sipping,
night time surfing,

living it up in paradise.