I know what you're thinking.
Just another rom-com.
Well, you'd definitely be wrong
about that.
Where do I start?
Man, I had the swag,
the look, the everything.
I don't even know what it was.
Kind of just had it.
You know, as I'm older,
I know what it is.
It's that thing called je ne... je ne...
je ne sais quoi. Yeah, that's it.
I don't even know
what I'm talking.
Let me take you back to the 90s.
- What are you up to, man?
- Good.
I haven't seen you in ages,
but it always was like that.
- Innit?
- What have you been up to?
Bunked college, bunked sports, bunked football,
gave it away. Gave it up all for women.
- That sounds blasé.
- Yeah.
You don't care about your books
no more, your stuff?
What about...
what about sports like?
- Hey. Yo, you know the Cool J?
- Yeah.
- You know that lip movement he does?
- Mm-hmm.
He got that from me.
Wait, what...
what are you talking about?
You're stupid, man.
You're silly, bruv.
- I don't know what's gotten into you.
- Listen, man.
When I grow up,
I'm gonna be like Jay Z.
- Really?
- Puff Daddy.
Really?
Nah, I get more girls than Puffy.
See these looks.
See these...
see these looks, man.
What?
Oh, sh*t!
Bro, are you seeing this?
As I got older,
it got easier.
I was getting girls
twice my age, twice my size.
I'm not just saying it.
But I was the man.
Hey, hey, hey.
Baby.
Can I get your digits?
How'd you know I have a phone?
How old are you anyways?
Mm-hmm.
Someone with that buff,
def connected.
And I'm whatever age
you want me to be, innit?
Have you got a... And a...
- You're cute.
- Thanks.
- Just like that, yeah?
- Yeah.
Whoa! sh*t.
Um, I just wanted
to ask if you, um,
if you wanted to like to go,
um...
She wanted to ask if you'd
go out on a date with her.
Yeah. That's...
What? Me? With her?
Are you mad?
No one will go out with her.
Bro, allow-it, man.
Allow-it.
Look at her face.
How many spots is that?
One, two... Oh, man.
Look... look at her teeth.
Smile for a bit. Smile.
Do you eat bricks with them?
Bro, you can't do this, man.
Don't you have coco-butter
in your yard?
- I shouldn't... I shouldn't have asked.
- No, you shouldn't have.
Look. Okay. Okay. Okay, alright. Alright,
alright, alright. I'm sorry. I'm joking.
Alright. I'm joking. Hold on.
Here, bell me.
What did you do?
You're just so cruel.
And that's when
it started to go bad.
I mean, really bad.
Every girl I ever met;
problems, drama, arguments.
I was 19 then.
I'm almost 40 now.
And guess what?
And I'm still single.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What you're saying is,
you've not got a steady girlfriend.
I mean, it's not like
you're not getting any.
- Nah, I'm serious.
- I just don't get it, darling. You are beautiful.
You're a catch, honestly.
I can't believe it.
You're joking, right?
No. I wish if I was.
I don't get it myself.
I've got a good property
business.
I've got money in the bank,
you know, I got my own teeth.
Yeah. I wear nice clothes.
I'm doing alright.
Alright.
My hair is a little bit light.
What hair, bro? What hair?
I was going to say
it's a little bit thin.
Thin? Thin?
- Bruv, your hair is gone. It's gone, bro.
- It's alright.
It's cool though, man.
Women like guys with no hair, man.
- They like guys that are bald.
- Say that twice.
Guys with no hair
always say that line.
Alright. Fair enough.
Fair enough.
But you know what, like, Jason,
like, you're doing alright.
Like, you've got two kids.
You're married.
- Well... You're alright.
- Yeah.
Cruz, to be honest,
you're still the same.
You're still the same. He ain't changed.
Nothing's developed for him,
like...
He's still got,
like, hundred girls.
Like, God knows how many kids.
So right. Always has been.
Yeah. But you're... but you still have...
But you're happy, right?
- Yeah.
- Alright, fair enough.
Like J, like,
you're getting engaged.
- Yes.
- Congratulations!
- Well done, son. And I'm proud of you.
- Yeah.
Like, Brian,
even Brian's got a girl.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Even though she is a man.
What's that supposed to mean,
you cheap little bugger?
What about that girl you met the other day?
You said that was okay, right?
Yeah.
Did I?
♪ I've been single for about
Two years, no, maybe three ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, I mean, four ♪
♪ No, about seven years
I've been single now ♪
♪ I need a man in my life ♪
♪ How about you?
Do you want me? ♪
♪ Look at my body
Do you want me? ♪
Would you like some chips, no?
- Uh, no. No, I'm okay.
- They are nice.
- I'm okay. Thank you.
- Okay.
Can I interest you
in some dessert, Sir?
Yeah, actually would you...
what do you suggest?
♪ I suggest you just wait
And look at me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm the cookies
And cream ♪
♪ I would like strawberries ♪
♪ And I would like coconut
And bubblegum, too ♪
♪ Bubblegum, too
The pink one, not the blue ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
Listen,
that clearly wasn't gonna work.
You know,
she sang through the whole date.
Then, I hooked up
with one hood thing.
Never again.
Ay, yo, my brother.
Yo, sorry, man's late.
You know, I had to wait for the weed man
to pop along in them
things there, you know.
Are you Charmaine?
Yeah, man.
Man's balling.
So what,
I'm licking a baller now, yeah?
Is that you, brother?
Mm-hmm. 20 in... inch rims
the thing's shiny, bruv.
Come, man.
Mmm. Is this me?
- This is me.
- Um...
Who you calling?
Who are you calling?
Yo, who you calling?
Na, na, na, na, na, na. I asked you
a question, brother. Who you calling?
Who are you calling?
I even tried speed dating.
This is how that turned out.
Yeah, so, um, this is the
first time I've done this.
I'm quite nervous.
Um, how... how does it work?
- Well, you tell us a bit about yourself...
- Yeah.
...and we decide
if you're boring
or if you're not our type, then,
press the bell and you leave.
Okay, alright. Um, okay, so my name's
Treyvon and I'm a property developer.
I'm not really
into materialistic.
I prefer sensitive.
Hi, I'm Treyvon and I'm a Sagittarius and I'm sensitive.
I only like assertive rich guys,
men who take charge.
Successful and assertive.
And I'm a feminist and no guy can tell me what to do.
I'm assertive, I'm rich but I'm not
materialistic and I like feminists.
Piss off you liar.
UH, I don't like mess
and I'm quite organized.
Too bad. I like crazy, spontaneous guys.
Yeah, I'm the sporty type.
I like the countryside
and the great outdoors.
Oh, I hate nature.
All the bugs and spiders
crawling about.
Even my mate Mark tried
to hook me up with his friend.
Apparently,
she saw me at the gym,
thought I looked nice,
sent me a pic.
I thought,
yeah, she looked nice.
Spoke a few times,
arranged a date,
but I didn't expect this.
- Just say hi. Just say hi.
- Hello.
Come in. Come in.
Everybody in. Everybody in.
Hi. Kids, come inside.
Come on. Come on. In you go.
- Hi. I'm Cindy.
- Hello.
- Treyvon?
- I'm Treyvon. Yes.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Listen, I'm so, so sorry.
All the dads are running really,
really late.
Alexander's dad got canceled.
Eh, girl, do not do a poo
in the kitchen.
Go into the garden. Now.
Good girl.
Twins. Sorry.
Listen, my mom's coming down
to babysit.
So do you want to come in
for a quick tea first?
Yeah, I've just got to move my car
because of the traffic wardens.
- I'll be back in a second.
- Okay.
- No problem. How do you take your tea?
- Yeah.
- Uh, two sugars please.
- Milk?
- Uh, just a little bit.
- A little bit milk, two sugars.
- Thank you.
- Okay. I'll... I'll go put the kettle on.
Yeah, okay.
- Okay. Coming up.
- Alright. Thank you.
Alright.
- Oh, two sugars?
- Yeah.
- Okay, coming up.
- Alright.
Jesus Christ.
That is hilarious.
Oh, no, but listen,
there was this one girl, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, come on then, go on.
So I was out jogging...
And then there she was.
I mean, absolutely stunning,
10 out of 10.
Yeah, no, I'm... no, I'm okay.
Um, yeah,
I just needed to come back.
That's why I dropped.
Right, that's original.
- Hold on. Wait, do you jog around here a lot?
- All the time, yeah.
- I've never seen you.
- Yeah, just in and out, I mean.
Hold on, wait. Hold on. Wait, wait.
Um, what... Do you live in the area?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, I...
I jog around here all the time
and I need a jogging partner,
maybe.
Is there any way that I'd be
able to like contact you again
because, you know,
maybe jog together or, like...
um, I know it's a bit forward.
Hold on, wait, wait, I know it's a
bit forward and you don't know me,
but is it possible
to grab your number
and maybe we can go running
or something?
- I don't know.
- Sure, sure, sure.
- What is it?
- 07957...
- Okay, 07957...
- ...285...
- 285...
- ...402. Yeah.
- What?
- ...402.
- ...285...
- ...402.
Bye.
Oh.
Oh, my God!
Alright. Oh...
Oh, my...
Tch.
Trust me, bruv. I was pissed.
Look, perhaps she can help.
Honestly, she's really,
really good.
She'll tell you
all kinds of stuff,
things from your past and even
stuff that's in the future.
Look.
Madame Ruby.
Bruv, that's mad.
You know what makes it worse?
I've got to listen
to flipping Ashley every night.
- Who?
- Ashley. You'll meet him later.
He's a friend of mine
staying at my flat.
Have you ever thought
about counseling?
I know a real good couple of
people that I can recommend you to.
Now, we're black. If we need
counseling, we go barbershop, innit?
We've been best friends since we've been at university.
Well, not you obviously.
Yeah, we don't get to see
each other all of the time,
but we are going to get him
a girl before your wedding.
Or die trying.
Alright, alright. To J and his fiancée, man.
- Come on, man.
- Yes, to J and his fiancée.
- Come on, bruv.
- Cheers.
And, hopefully, we can get Trey some
pom-pom before the decade's out.
Really?
Aargh!
Stop.
Oh, yes!
- What?
- Oh.
- Hi, Reesh. Hello.
- Hi, Treyvon.
You're... um, yeah, is... is
Ash... Yeah, of course, he is.
- Um, can I speak with him?
- Yeah, he's here.
Okay, thank you, alright.
Bruv.
Bruv, thought you was out, man?
Yeah, yeah,
well, I could hear you were in.
Sorry, man.
Nah, bruv, I'm serious, man. I need to get
some sleep, man. Can you keep the noise down?
Alright.
Thank you.
I mean, what women see in these things anyway?
- Just go harder, go harder.
- Ah, God. It's just too tight.
Wait. Change position.
Nah, I'm gonna break it.
- You can do it.
- Let me try cloth hanger.
- Ah!
- Ah! Go on.
I don't want it to tear.
That's it. That's it.
- Go on. Get in.
- That's it.
- Thank God. That is over.
- Wow.
Yo Trey, what are you saying, brother?
You good?
Yo, J, what's good?
No, I'm just out training, man.
Yeah, last night was good still, man.
Great to see the guys.
Yeah, man. We shouldn't leave
it so long next time, man.
Listen, I was thinking, alright.
My cousin, she's a relationship
therapist, right and perhaps you...
Hello?
Trey?
Trey? Hello.
Dang.
Yes, bruv, what's up?
Yeah, I was just thinking, Trey.
Bruv, I'm not going
to a therapist.
It's just an idea, bruv.
I was thinking that maybe you could...
Bruv, I'm good. I'm not going.
So how long have you not had
a serious girlfriend?
Oh, um, I don't know, uh...
Has it been that long
that you can't remember?
No, it's... no, no it's... Eh...
I think about 15 years.
Fifteen y...
About that.
Are you ill?
No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I think. I think.
Oh, you've been to prison?
No, no, no. No, never been
in trouble before ever.
Looks like there's a lot
that you've not been in,
but, look,
what about sexual encounters?
Yeah, of course, of course,
yeah, like a few.
Just my problem is girlfriends,
long-term relationship.
Nothing seems to last
more than six months.
I don't know... I don't know
what I'm doing wrong.
- Six... months?
- Yeah.
Is everything okay down there?
Everything's fine, thank you.
Okay, look, look, I think
you should try online dating.
Yeah.
No. No, no, that's not for me.
Yes, yes. Look, there's loads of women
on there that's just desperate...
desperately seeking love,
you know,
and you can cross check
and look at the suitability.
I... I think that's the way
forward for you.
You can't go wrong.
Mm.
That might work still.
- Okay.
- Yeah, great.
Alright. No, you know what, I might...
I might give it a try.
Just in... in case it...
it doesn't work, you know,
I have a little service myself,
you know, after nine...
9:00 PM one to one.
Just 079 me.
- You just...
- Okay.
- 079 me.
- Okay. Okay.
Thank you.
Mm-Hm.
Mm-Hm.
Mm-Hm.
I ain't gonna lie.
That sh*t pissed me off.
When you're single, everyone around is all
hugging, loving, kissing up each other.
It's not even February yet.
Look at these two, for example,
tongues down each other's throat.
It's like he's trying to taste
her liver or something.
Anyway, then there's me.
Hey, give us a tenner.
Yeah, yeah, mate.
What? Did you just ask for a...
- Tenner.
- Yeah, tenner.
- Give us a tenner.
- Are you mad?
People nowadays,
they've never got any change, man.
Yeah, they got no change.
They've always got
a sneaky little tenner.
What... to do what?
Are you stu... Is he stupid?
Oh, I tell you
what we want to do.
We want two tickets for the
opera, we want to go for din...
Look, mate,
can't you see we're homeless.
See this? This has to last
all three of us.
Three?
Give them some money.
My wife.
I've got some change, yeah.
Here you go. Some change.
He gave.
Good morning, Trey.
Trey!
Come on, bruv. Look... really?
Bruv, go and put
some clothes on, man.
- What are you doing here anyway?
- This is my house, yeah?
That's the first thing.
Secondly, that project I'm working
on, I want to do it from home.
- Is that alright?
- I hear that.
You smelling it?
Bruv, come on.
Listen, I know we're good
friends here but this is weird.
Come on, man.
Me and Reesh,
we were talking earlier.
Oh, so you guys find time
to talk to, yeah?
Funny.
And yeah, sometimes.
When are you going to get
a woman, mate?
Like, settle down?
I'm up in here almost, what,
two years and...
Are you...
Na... Very funny.
No, I'm not gay.
It's... look,
it's cool if you are, like...
Bruv, I said I'm not gay,
alright?
I just... just haven't found
the right one, that's it.
What in two... Ah, nothing.
You need to... you need to go on
like Tinder or Plenty of Fish.
There's loads of women on there,
bruv.
That's where I met Reesh.
Not for me.
Really?
Yeah, look, this isn't a joke,
this is a big deal.
Six-figure deal this is.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, but I need the report on my
desk within seven days, please.
Yeah.
Yeah, but you're the one who's
told me to meet the surveyor here
for six o'clock in the evening.
I'm here at six o'clock. And that's it.
So where's the surveyor?
Hi.
Oh, thank you.
Hold on one sec, I think she's here.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
Mr. Patterson?
- Wow!
- Hi.
Um, yeah. Hi. Hello.
- I'm Ms. Francis from Eaton and Co Surveyors.
- Hello.
- Okay, so I've taken a look at the property.
- Yeah.
And, structurally,
there's some damages to the rear.
- Ah...
- And nothing that can't be treated and resolved.
Yeah.
Yeah, um, how long do you think
it would take to get resolved?
- Give or take two weeks.
- Okay.
So, I'll get a report sent out
to you as soon as possible
- so we can get things sorted quite quickly.
- Okay.
Um, what are you actually going
to be doing with the property?
Yeah, um, luxury flats.
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Excellent. Um, well,
I think that's all from me.
Was there any questions?
Yeah, well, like, what are you doing later?
Like maybe we could...
What?
So on tonight's show, we're
gonna be talking about relationships,
the good, the bad and the ugly.
Have you ever been hurt? What's your
ideal partner? And much, much more.
Some men
just can't get a girlfriend.
I don't know, they just don't
have the swag or the confidence.
If any of you
would like to dial in
and talk about your experiences,
feel free.
Call DJ Sass on 07923-787-230.
That's 07923-787-230.
This is b*at FM.
Hi, this is DJ Sass and you're
live on the b*at London 103.6 FM.
- Now tell us, are you in a relationship or are you single?
- Hello.
Yeah, this is Treyvon...
um, Glenn.
Glenn, my name's Glenn
and, um, I'm single
and I've been single for...
...15 years. Just over...
- Wait, did he just say...
- Wow.
What?
- That long?
- He's technically a virgin again.
He's technically a virgin again.
Everything's sealed back up.
I bet right now, if he releases,
he'll be two stones lighter.
His... his complexion
will even change.
Any woman stand next to him... just stand
next to him, and she'd get pregnant.
Don't know the price
of condoms.
I just didn't think
men went that long without sex.
I know... I know there's this thing called
blue balls but he's got the rainbow.
- Yeah, buddy.
- He'll be all kind of colors.
- He's got Skittles balls.
- He's got Skittles balls.
Woo-hoo!
Trey baby, you awake, bruv?
Yeah? Look who I brought in.
I've been at the bar all night.
I've got Sasha
and I've got Melody.
Sasha's with me.
Melody's coming in with you.
- Yeah?
- Hello.
- Alright.
- Wicked.
Hello, Treyvon.
- Hello.
- Ooh! I do like a man with no hair.
Let me take a close look.
Oh, very nice.
Don't mind me if I just touch you here?
And there.
And there.
Oh, look at you.
Oh...
Oh, man.
Hey. Wake up, you dirty boy!
What are you making
all them sexy noises for?
With the ooh,
and the aah and the oh-oh-oh.
Oh, my Lord!
You dirty boy. Get up, man.
- I can't even get a girl in my dreams.
- What?
Nothing.
What are you doing here anyway?
I'm your mother.
One not need me need invitation.
I just come to, you know,
to see my one son.
- Mom.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mom.
- Mm-hmm.
What? What? I... I was just...
I was just in the area
and I... and I...
and I thought that I would...
Alright, alright.
I'm down the way to church
and... and...
Well,
there's some really nice...
I mean, nice.
I mean, just... just decent
and godly women down there.
You know, the kind that
you could just settle down with.
Mom.
Invite them to meet your mother.
Who you've been speaking to,
Mom?
Well, maybe a friend
did say something.
- Who?
- The good-looking one.
The ballet one.
- Energy.
- Jirese?
Him.
Maybe... maybe, you know,
did say, just I don't...
He just mentioned.
Just a little... just a little.
You know, maybe see him
on the high street.
I mean,
he never really say much.
This is embarrassing.
I don't need to go to church
to find a woman.
Okay, if you say so.
I'm going to church now
to pray for honor.
Maybe God have a plan for me.
Oh, hello, my friend.
Oh, you again.
What are you doing here?
I'm homeless, innit?
A man of no fixed abode, a vagrant,
uh, from the Latin term vagary,
to a wanderer about a bit
with not much to do.
I move
where the spirit dictates.
Guide to the course by the music
of the spheres.
- What?
- Yeah, well which is a perfect paradigm concerning the fact
the, uh, forces have guided me
directly to you, Sir.
Oh. So, I suppose
you want that tenner, do you?
Well, that would be a satisfactory
outcome considering, uh,
our perambulatory talking is, uh,
due to do the course of nature,
the seen and the unseen.
Why do you talk like that,
anyway?
Well, an inquiry mind is not just the
prerogative of the wealthy and elite, Sir.
It is a universal birthright
which is afforded to those who
take the opportunity to study,
to pick up a book
and learn, Sir.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, major forces are at hand.
You know the ones about
the seen and the unseen
because you know, the only constant
thing in life is change, Sir.
- Could I quote the Bard, William Shakespeare?
- Yeah.
"There is something in the
heaven and Earth, Horatio,
than are dreamt
of in your philosophy."
Ooh. Major changes are coming to you.
Major changes are coming to you.
- Whatever. Listen...
- Oh, yeah, that's 10.
Good one... good...
good one, Shakespeare.
Here you go, mate,
here is a tenner.
- Yeah, it's alright. It's alright.
- Big changes are coming for you.
- Alright.
- Big changes are coming for you.
Big changes are coming for you.
Damn, you are psychic.
Yes, I am.
Brian said
that you might be coming. Enter.
Sit.
So, what can Madame Ruby do
for you, my lovely?
I don't even know
where to start.
Do you know what, this is the first
time I've done anything like this.
Um, um, I need a woman.
This is not
that kind of service.
I... I read palm.
No, no, no, no, no, not like...
like, um, ah, how do I explain?
Like, okay, look,
I just want to find out like if
there's anything wrong with me.
That's what...
that's what I've come here for.
I don't think I can help you.
You need NHS. I'm not a doctor.
No. Oh, alright. Listen, um, alright,
so you... you read into the future, yeah?
- I can.
- Okay, alright.
So, I basically want
to find like my...
The woman, my dream woman, you
know, you can look into the future
and try and help me
maybe somehow.
Okay.
Okay.
Give me your hands.
Oh, you're so lonely.
You are so, so lonely.
But I... I... I...
What? What? What?
I'm getting Mel... Me...
Me... Melanie... Melanie.
She's saying that she likes
the way you use your tongue
and... and you have
a very big lunchbox?
Oh. Melanie?
Melanie Richards.
She's been dead for 15 years.
You see dead people?
I'm only telling you
what I can see.
No, no, no,
I have not come here for that.
Can't you see anybody who's alive?
I want to find my dream girl now.
- Okay, come on.
- Oh, my gosh!
Oh!
There is...
there is something blocking.
There's... there's...
there's something blocking.
What?
What? What? What? What?
He's gone.
What do you mean gone?
Gone where?
Gone where? Find it.
Go back to whatever you was doing be...
do the... do that. Go back. Come on.
You have to find it.
It... it is gone.
Once the vision is gone,
it's gone.
There's somebody out there
for you but you must find her.
How?
I don't know,
I'm not a detective.
- But you must find her.
- Okay.
You've been amazing. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you.
- I love you. I love you. Muah. I love you.
- Wait, wait, wait.
There's more? There's more?
You have to pay.
- Ashley. Asher.
- Broski.
Bruv, listen, I need to set up like
a Tinder online dating profile thing.
Give me two seconds.
- Look.
- What's that?
Man's already looked after you,
bruv.
- I've set the profile for you already.
- Yes.
Yes, trust me. I've got your
main picture up already here.
- Yeah.
- You scroll down and you just got these little three blocks.
You just gotta add the pictures
that you want to put in here.
As soon as you do that, finish
that, then the matches come up.
Just scroll through your matches and
send them messages and that's it.
- Simple.
- What? It's that easy?
- That easy, bro.
- What?
- Bruv!
- Trust me.
- That's wicked.
- Yeah.
All you got... Do you know what
though, watch out for the catfish.
What's that?
I was trying to meet this one girl
called Renee for months, bruv.
- Yeah.
- We're talking, we're texting,
she's sending me nudes,
everything, boom.
So I'm saying, "Okay, let's...
let's... let's meet."
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Now, always avoiding me, yes.
I thought, okay, let me... let me do this.
I'll go and surprise her.
I'll turn up to her work.
I'm at the bus stop now, yeah,
get the phone out and call.
Phone starts ringing
to the left of me, bruv.
I look around, it's a man,
bruv, who's answering.
- Oh.
- Trust me. That's what I'm saying, bruv.
Yeah. Trust me, yeah.
So watch out them
for the fake profiles, bruv.
Bruv, respect for the heads up,
man.
- Respect, bruv.
- Thanks, bruv.
Yo, Ash,
are you seeing Reesh later?
Nah, bruv, um, we had a proper
full-blown.
Oh, mate,
sorry to hear about that, man.
No, but this time, brother,
that's it.
Bro, I thought she was the one.
Nah, bruv, it is what it is.
- If it's done, it's done, innit?
- No, man.
Bro, listen,
you need to kiss her, hug her,
make her feel like
she's the one, bruv.
Trust me, man.
Do it like your life
depended on it.
That's what they do
in the movies.
Well, I ain't no Richard Gere.
But, yeah, thanks.
I knew I'll find you here,
you know.
What are you getting done now? Have you even got space?
Just getting some more inks,
man.
I'm gonna just, you know, tidy them up
a bit, bring it down the whole sleeve.
You know how you do this thing,
man.
- What's good, anyway?
- We need to get Trey go.
We need to get Trey go.
We need to hit bars, clubs,
wherever, however.
So you came all the way
to Battersea just to say that.
But already got no credit.
Listen, the reason is I need
to borrow your car.
Seriously, please.
I need to see this girl.
Bro, you better take Uber, man.
You don't know about Simone?
Simone?
Simone got to, the girl in the
highest tax bracket, Simone.
I don't know, man. No.
Listen, she throws a banging
VIP party.
And listen, there's gonna be
bad girls there, it's heavy.
- No, I'm good, man. I'm gonna chill this week.
- Okay.
Actually we're gonna need
four invitations.
Alright.
Listen, she's family, man.
- I've got you both, 100 percent.
- Yeah.
- Cool, man.
- Love.
Alright, brother, later.
So, can I borrow your car?
high, you know.
Exactly.
What is this?
- Is this where you taking me to?
- Yeah?
- You like it?
- Of course, I like it.
Party.
Hey. Wow.
This is a madness.
- We have arrived.
- Come on, come on.
Oh, wow.
- Whoa!
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Kai's friends, right?
Yes, my name is Jirese.
And this is...
- Jason. Pleased to meet you.
- I am Cruz. Good to see you.
Has our friend arrived...
Trey, Treyvon?
He's about my height
and weird...
Look like him
but not as good looking as me.
Not by now, but do come in.
- Ladies first.
- Thank you.
After you.
Wow.
Nice place.
Um, you guys are early so might
as well get a drink at the bar?
She's got the bar.
She got the bar.
Most people have a fridge
but she got the whole bar.
Sounds good to me.
- I'm with you, man.
- Through there?
- Through there, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- You know, I'm gonna go and call Trey.
- Okay, mate. Yeah.
- Yeah?
I'm gonna head outside
and join the party.
No worries.
I'll come back for that.
So, uh, do you have
many parties here?
I do actually.
- Please leave a message after the tone.
- Trey, it's us, man.
I'm at the spot,
we are at the place.
You need to hurry up, man.
The guys are waiting, yeah.
Don't be on no long-ting,
please, man.
Hurry up. Alright. See you soon.
Alright, bless. Bye.
Yo, uh, what's going?
- Yo, you alright?
- Yeah, man, I'm blessed, brother.
- You alright?
- I'm good, man.
- Long time.
- I know, bruv.
It's just a quick workout today,
bro.
- Okay, cool. Cool.
- Yeah. Anything in there?
- Too many, man. Too many.
- Are you serious?
Yeah. I can't imagine.
- Yeah.
- Go have your fun, man.
Wish me, bruv. Alright, thanks.
- Oh!
- Bro, where have you been?
- You're late.
- I know. I'm sorry, bruv. I'm sorry, man.
I had some property stuff
to deal with.
Listen, so you just go,
I'm gonna quickly grab a drink, yeah.
- Alright.
- Alright.
- See you in a bit.
- See you in a bit.
That's... Oh, no.
Oh, wait... hello.
Hold on, wait, it is you.
I didn't know
that you trained here.
Yeah. I didn't know you trained.
Oh, listen, is it alright if like
I jump in and we could do like...
Oh, I don't think so.
I've literally just finished.
So, it's time for me to stretch
and leave, actually.
Alright. Listen, um, how often
do you train down here?
Often enough.
So then maybe like
we could train together, like...
Um, I doubt that very much.
I'm just gonna leave now.
I've finished now.
So if you want to take over,
knock yourself out.
Yeah, but...
I'll see you later.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Bruv, tell me that's you.
- No, man.
- That's gonna be you, bruv.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Thank you so much
for inviting us
- to this amazing party.
- No, you're welcome.
Whoa!
- So how many sets are we doing?
- Probably about three more.
- I feel mashed up rough, trust me.
- Magical.
Yo, what you're saying?
You cool?
- What are you saying, bruv?
- He's saying cool. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I've seen you
looking at that girl over.
What, the one in the gray?
Yeah, the one
that was in the splits.
Yes, she was good stuff.
How do you know
that she likes you though?
That's what I'm trying to say.
You are perving on a girl
that's just trying to work out.
And you don't even know
she's your type.
What's wrong with this guy?
Or you're even her type.
And I know for a fact
you're not her type.
Bruv, why... what's going on?
What are you coming up...
Bruv, I'm just saying,
some people just want to work out,
and you're out here
trying to grab girls.
Girls don't want you.
She might not want
to talk to you.
She might not like you one bit,
bruv.
She's young.
You're old.
You're just a whole
different breed.
Bruv, who come to the gym
dressed like Venom.
Get out of here, man.
- That's easy, you know.
- Leave this brother alone, man.
It's that people work out, man.
Francis, you're still here.
Hey, how are you doing?
- I'm fine, thanks.
- Good, good.
Listen, I know we got off
to a bad start, yeah,
but maybe like we could train
together or something.
Look, we both know
you couldn't keep up with me
if you trained with me,
so let's just leave it there.
Wow. That's big talk. Alright, alright.
What about this then...
One day, when you're not working,
yeah, if like I come over...
Oh, no, you come over
and we get some food.
That...
that's never gonna happen.
And I can cook...
Babes, who is this?
You remember the client
I was telling you about,
the one that's renovating
the old boxing gym.
Yeah, listen,
didn't she tell you about me?
Like, I'm a client and basically...
you told him... Did you tell him?
You never said to him anything
about like I'm...
So basically, I buy and sell
properties and she's...
you know what she does,
that's your girl, innit? Obviously.
And, um, do you...
You train here as well?
- Does he train here?
- Look, about the renovation,
I'll be speaking to you soon
about it.
So, um, I'll see you later.
Okay, alright.
Well, it was good to see you.
And I will be in contact
regarding the... the property.
Hello.
Yeah. Ash, what's up?
No, no, just on my way back
from the office.
What?
Why are you reading
my messages, bruv?
I was just about to use it.
You left it open
and it just popped up.
Anyway, she wants
to meet you tonight, T.
Where?
Bruv, trust me, she is banging.
I would.
Alright.
Listen, text me the details.
Yeah.
Alright, alright.
Yeah, thanks. Alright. Bye.
Alright. Alright.
Hey.
Move.
Hey. Listen.
Oi! Oi!
Wait, what are you doing?
Are you alright?
- Are you okay?
- sh*t.
- I'm alright.
- Can you sit up?
Try to get up little if you can.
Come on.
Are you okay?
- I can't believe it.
- Don't worry.
Aaargh!
Do I know you from somewhere?
Hold on, you're her.
Yeah. You took my number
and you didn't use it.
- No, no, no, no.
- It's okay, though.
Listen, no, what happened...
It's fine. It's fine.
You're in pain. Okay,
should I call the police, ambulance or...
No, no, no police.
It's okay. It's alright, I'll...
I'll call my friend.
- It's alright.
- Did they hurt you anywhere else?
- Did they cut you anywhere?
- No.
Oh, my phone's not working.
You can use my phone, right?
sh*t, I've left it at home.
So, look, I live around the block, right,
so you can just come around
the block with me at my house
and you can just use
my phone there.
- Are you sure?
- Use the phone at home.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure...
- Yeah, but you don't even know me.
Marvin's there.
It's fine. It's okay.
- Just gotta get you cleaned up. Yeah?
- You sure?
Yeah, yeah, sure. Come, let's just go.
- Can you...
- Yeah.
Just put your arm
around me like this.
- Oh, my God! I can't believe this.
- Just take it easy.
Just take it easy.
- ]
- Oh, sh*t.
Oops. Oops, oops, oops.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, come.
Oh, that's Marvin.
Do you want me to offer you
a drink whilst you're waiting?
I can't believe I've actually
got a strange man in my house
and I can't even remember
your name.
Okay, so my name is Shenisha.
Um, and you can call me Shen.
Nice to meet you,
my name's Treyvon.
- Ah.
- Hello.
Hi, Treyvon. That's it, Treyvon?
Yeah.
- I'll go and get a drink for you and...
- Thank you.
- Get some water for your face.
- Thank you.
I can't believe I'm
inside her house here with her
and she's touching my face.
I don't let no girl
touch my face.
Look at her eyes.
I think she's perfect.
Oh, and she's got dimples
as well.
I didn't even realize
she had dimples.
This is just getting better.
When you make a girl giggle
like that, you're in.
- Is it?
- January 7th.
Yeah, yeah. I got you.
Oh, that must be your friend.
Let me go and get him first.
Oh, what happened to you?
Bruv, some madness, bruv.
So you know I went to go
and meet, um, my friend, yeah,
and I'm waiting in my car,
within five minutes about seven or...
There's at least ten of them
actually.
Men just surrounded my car,
bruv.
- What?
- Yeah.
There was enough of them
to surround my car.
I heard the man talking about he's gonna
pull out a metal pipe and all that crap.
So I jumped out
and I confronted them.
No, no, you know what I'm like.
But why didn't you call me
sooner?
Bruv, I wish. I didn't have time.
I jumped out.
I'm grappling with two of them, punched one
of them in the head. I know I broke his nose.
I broke one of their...
Look at my hand.
- Yeah, he broke his arm.
- Listen, yeah, so anyway, bruv,
I appreciate you coming, man.
Thanks, man.
Thank you, bruv.
I appreciate it, man.
- Yeah, nice meeting you.
- Very nice meeting you.
- You take care of him. Yeah.
- Nice to... Thank you.
- No, I really appreciate...
- No worries.
- ...you looking after me.
- It's okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Uh, alright. Thanks. Alright.
- Take... take care.
Okay.
Uh, thank you.
Ball of fire.
- Pow.
- On the 5.
Like that, yeah.
Like that, yeah.
Not today. Not today.
Yeah, I think you see my cards.
You're lucky. You're lucky.
You're lucky.
What happened
last night, anyways?
I would have been there in a flash.
You know I'm about this thing.
Bro, you should have called me.
Bruv, who do you think I would have called?
I would have called you, yes.
Mr. Shadow Boxer over there,
you're mad.
I mean it.
Who guess it?
Um, I think it's yours, yeah.
Bruv, I need to find this girl,
you know.
She helped me, bro.
I need to see her again.
- Your phone's smashed, innit?
- Exactly.
Yeah,
I left her my business card
but I don't know
if she's even gonna call though.
Don't you know where she lives?
I went to her house last night
but it was dark.
So I don't even know
if I remember.
You do remember.
Go there right now.
Who turns up at a girl's house
like they don't know?
Like, this is the...
I only met her once, you know.
It doesn't matter.
- Really?
- Yeah, I'll do it 100 percent.
Yeah, he would.
This guy. You're a joker.
Now, where is it? Where is it?
Yeah, that is it.
Who are you?
What do you want?
Who are you here for?
And the rose flowers for?
Are they for Shenisha?
Shenisha.
Who is Sheni...
No, I don't know any Shenisha.
- Is that who lives here?
- Shenisha lives here.
Oh, this is... No,
this is 67 I was looking for.
These flowers, Sister Margaret.
I was looking
for Sister Margaret.
That's... yeah, because yeah...
No, she lives at 67.
She's... she's sick. She's sick.
I brought them for poor Sister Margaret.
Poor Sister Margaret,
she is dying.
Sister Margaret!
Sister Margaret! She's not in.
Hey, don't be doing
that nonsense crap.
Tiny.
- Hey, Treyvon?
- Hello, Shen love.
Get back to bed. Get to the bed.
Look, do you wanna go in?
I've done most of the packing already
but the heavy stuff is upstairs.
- Okay.
- I'm sure Marvin will be happy to see you.
Alright.
I've got an appointment later,
alright.
- Okay. Alright.
- I'm working late.
- Tiny?
- Yeah.
Ain't nothing tiny about him.
He looks like he's been stung by a
thousand bees and he's allergic to it.
Anyway, um, yeah, um,
these are for you.
Oh, thank you.
That's kind of you.
You know, you didn't have to but I was just doing
my friendly neighborhood bit and everything.
- Yeah.
- But, yeah, and I hate bullies, by the way, so.
- Are you moving?
- Yeah, well, kinda.
No, yeah, I am, yeah, my tenancy
agreement is finished so I've got to go.
But, listen,
I'd love to speak to you
but I've got an appointment
and I've got to go.
Okay. Yeah, but look,
I was just gonna ask, um,
can I maybe take you out
to dinner, lunch, coffee maybe?
A date? Listen, that's so sweet
but I've got a date
already tonight, so.
- Oh, you got...
- Yeah, with my kids.
You've got a kid?
Well, five of them.
- Five?
- Yeah. But, listen, I've got to go.
Hi, guys.
- Hey, Miss.
- You alright?
Yeah, I'm good, thanks.
Guys, continue doing
what you're doing, okay?
I'm going to make
a quick phone call
and I'm going to be back,
alright?
- Alright, Miss.
- Okay.
Please leave a message
after the tone.
Hi. Hi, it's Shenisha.
Okay, yeah, um, so I'm doing evening
courses in photography, right,
and, um, this week,
we're sh**ting in London locations
and I was kind of like thinking
if you would like to join me
and, perhaps, we can go
for a bite to eat after.
So 8:00 AM tomorrow morning,
Tate Modern.
Okay, yeah, bye.
♪ You are my everything ♪
♪ You are my one and only ♪
♪ Ooh-hoo ♪
Ha-ha.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can't a man be happy or what?
Bro, happy is good but it's 6:00 AM in
the morning and I want to take a piss.
No one's this happy,
this early in the morning.
Well, I am. So, if you'll excuse
me, I need to get ready.
♪ You are my everything ♪
Hi, so you came.
- I told you. You alright?
- How you doing? You alright?
- Come, let's go this way.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Alright.
- I love mornings like this.
- Yeah.
You know, especially,
in the wintertime
when it's nice and cold,
calm and it's still.
It's a bit too cold for me.
Yeah.
What do you do anyway?
Um, yeah, I'm into property.
- Property.
- Yeah.
I wish I did
something like that,
especially the fact that
I'm nearly going to be homeless.
Oh, don't say that.
What do you do anyway?
I work with children
in the community, yeah.
So I try to keep them
off the streets.
Oh, the five kids.
- Yeah.
- Makes sense now.
Yep, it sure does make sense.
Yeah. But I don't know
for how much longer though.
Why? What do you mean?
Ah, never mind.
Look, let's go.
I've got a couple
more spots to hit.
Oh, okay then.
Where would you like
to go today, sweet?
Oh, I've got a list
to make it easier. Thank you.
- That's no problem.
- Cheers.
You want to go to Albert Bridge,
Trafalgar Square,
Hampstead Heath
and Buckingham Palace...
Yeah, but can we stop off also
at, um, Hyde Park as well, please?
- That's no problem, sweet.
- Thank you.
You want to go
to five different destinations?
Yeah.
Brother, could you just take us
to Buckingham Palace, please?
That's no problem, fella.
Thank you.
- So what about that? That's nice, innit?
- That's Hyde Park.
A mini Hyde Park.
This actually this...
this area is really nice.
What is this area?
And so that concludes the
presentation, ladies and gentlemen.
If there are any questions you'd
like to ask, please feel free.
Uh, yeah, um, why is it so thin?
What?
Well, I mean, you want me to invest
300 grand in something this thin?
Yeah.
It's a fair point there,
actually.
Uh, maybe I can bulk it out with some
of those traffic management studies.
So, what do you reckon?
I think if I had 300 grand,
I'll be definitely in.
To get 300 grand, you've
got to get a job in the first place.
Hmm, fair point.
Come on, give me two.
So, Miss, are we really
gonna lose this place?
Don't worry.
It's gonna be fine, alright?
- Where are we gonna train?
- Don't worry.
You don't have to worry about anything.
It's gonna be fine.
Yeah, right.
Oh, really? Give me ten.
- That's light.
- It's light?
Okay, how about give me 50 then?
Yeah, exactly.
I'll be back in a sec.
So, how's...
how's the deal going, bro?
Yeah, it's kind of right,
you know.
Um, should be done in about
three weeks, the contract.
Nice. So, is she the one then?
- Who?
- Really, bro?
You ain't stop talking
about her. Come on.
Oh, yeah. No.
Bruv, I don't know, man, like, this girl...
she's leaving anyway.
Yeah, but where's she going?
Don't know, bruv,
but she's moving.
Well, wherever she's going, I'm sure
they've got mobile phones. Come on.
Yeah, true, but I'm not sure, man.
Like, you know the worst thing?
I was actually gonna call her,
you know, and ask her on a date.
Do it like the traditional way.
Well, just ring her, innit?
Nah, bro. No way.
What's the worst
that can happen? Just call her.
You serious?
Ring her, bro.
Ah, bruv!
This guy, you know.
- Come on, man.
- This guy!
Bruv, if this girl asked me,
you know.
Ah...
Hello, babe.
Yeah, um, listen. Um, ah, um.
Yeah, I was just gonna ask, um,
if you wanted to go out maybe
to get something to eat later?
Yeah.
Oh, you got an appointment.
What about after?
Seven?
Yeah, okay. Yeah that can work.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Alright then.
Alright, see you then.
Alright, bye.
Bye-bye, babe. Bye.
Bruv!
Simple.
Wha!
You know the only thing? This girl's
always got appointments though, bro.
Well, she's a woman.
You know what women are like, man.
- Always waxing, do their head, their nails...
- Yeah, true.
- Make sure everything's prim and proper.
- Yeah.
Actually talking about
all that business, man.
I ain't goin' anywhere
in a week or so, innit?
What?
I gotta go and do that whole,
down on one knee thing, you know...
Oh, yeah.
- I forgot about that, you know, bruv.
- Yeah, man.
No, you know,
I'm proud of you, you know.
- You're proud of me?
- Yeah, bruv. I'm proud of you, man.
Trust me, more black guys need
to do the same thing, you know.
You know how many white guys
get married at 17, 18.
Black guys waiting
till they're old, bald,
looking terrible,
belly hanging over their shirt.
Yeah, bruv. Yeah, man.
I'm happy for you, bro.
Is this like some kind
of bromance been going on?
Bro, forget bromance, bro. Take the
"mance" out of it, bro. We're just bros.
- Let's roll, man.
- Come, you ready?
- Yeah, man. Come on, let's roll.
- Let's roll, man.
Let's roll.
That is the one, innit?
I can tell.
You're doing this weird thing
with your eyes
when you're like twitchy
and stuff.
Yeah, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Babe, you haven't done that twitchy
thing since you were at college.
Mmm.
Go on then, there's a picture.
Okay, look at this.
What?
You don't know him, do you?
Babe, he's black, sexy and hot.
No.
My type's white, the odd spawn.
This guy's definitely not
into Dr. Who.
I do recognize him though.
Looks familiar.
You know,
I got that T'Challa memory, babe.
- Mm-hmmm.
- Anyway, I think we should arrange an Avengers evening.
- Yeah?
- I guess that would be fantastic, yeah.
- Get some noodles.
- Yeah.
- Get some wine before you leave.
- I'm so down for that. Do you know what I'll do?
I'll call Jess so we can
have a pamper party. Yeah?
Okay, brilliant. When do you leave
and does Mr. Man know you're leaving?
Well, soon-ish.
You know, but... yeah, it was just,
you know, just dating and stuff.
- So, it was just sweet.
- Dating?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- The old eye thing.
- It's all twitchy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
A hundred and seven messages!
Who needs online dating?
So, Marvin, I've got this date
tonight, right?
And I kind of really like him.
I don't know what dress to wear.
What dress can I wear?
I'm thinking of the red one,
or the black one.
As a matter of fact,
which one do you think?
This one, or this one?
But, tonight, listen,
when he comes right,
you've got to be really
good to him.
You've got to be a really
good boy, okay?
Don't jump up on him.
Don't slobber him with kisses or
anything like that, no hugs, alright?
Did you get me?
Okay.
So, you gonna be a good boy?
You gonna be a good boy?
You're gonna be a good boy.
Good boy.
Hello, babe.
Yeah, I'm outside.
Okay.
Alright, see you in a second.
Bye.
What's going on? What?
What's going on?
What the...
Oh.
Oh, my Lord! She looks amazing.
Oh!
Oh! Are you okay?
- Ouch! My ankle.
- Oh!
Ah! They're my favorite shoes.
I love those. Oh, damn.
- Is your foot okay?
- No.
- Thank you.
- Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Cheers. Aw. Ouch!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, I didn't... Ow!
- Oh, man. Are you sure you're okay?
- Yeah, I'm alright.
Look, let me go inside
and change this, um...
- This shoe?
- ...shoe, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What I'll do...
I'm gonna have to call an Uber
because my car's not working.
I don't know what's happened to it.
It just stopped.
Okay.
Um... Oh, God!
What?
It's coming after 43 minutes.
Like there's thousands of Ubers,
I don't understand.
Don't worry, don't worry.
Look, there's a cab station around the
corner, I'll just get us a car, alright?
Two secs.
Hi, um, can I have a car,
please?
Yeah.
Two hours?
Right. Okay. Are you sure?
I mean, like I just...
- What?
- Just put the phone down on me.
What? Oh, my gosh.
What a day?
What a week? What a life?
Do you know, honestly, remember,
I told you I was losing my flat?
Now I may be losing my job
and then this happens.
You know what?
Let's just go inside.
I'll rustle up us
something to eat
and then we can just watch a film
on Netflix and something, yeah?
- Should we do that?
- Okay. Alright.
- Are you sure? Okay, cool.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure.
This hasn't started off
very good, has it?
No, it hasn't, but it's okay.
Oh, man.
- You alright?
- You're gonna have to help me though.
Alright.
- Hold on, wait. Where's Marvin?
- He's at my cousin's house.
Look, don't worry about it.
We'll just get a takeaway
or something.
What, you don't trust
my cooking?
Yeah, I do. I just don't want you to
put too much pressure on your ankle.
- That's all.
- Oh, thank you.
I'll tell you what then.
You order the food and I will
see what's in the television.
Can you pass me the control,
please?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Ooh.
- There you go.
Um, just order anything?
Yeah, but I don't eat seafood
because I'm allergic to it.
Okay.
What, like do you come up
in like hives and uh...
I'm just asking. Alright.
Are you quite hungry? Shall I get quite a lot?
Yeah.
Hello and welcome
to Scottish Rocks.
This week we will be exploring
one of Scotland's most...
Do you know what time
he's gonna be back?
He went on a date, yeah.
- On a date?
- Mm-hmm.
He really gets on my nerves,
you know that.
I had this little shindig
organized for my folks, right?
Get some people around my ass,
getting set up because he's single.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He is the worst.
Never turned up.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
I've got him on them apps,
nothing.
Apps? Oh, my God!
We sat there one night in my living
room, he was on Grindr, right?
And I couldn't...
Sorry. No. That's my app.
He was on Tinder
and we sat there for ages.
All he kept on doing was swiping
left, right, left, right.
No matches at all.
He is the worst person,
honestly.
Useless, man.
Honestly.
What are you doing with that banana?
You're gonna eat it or what?
Here.
Thank you.
Okay. Right. Now, that will be
about 20 minutes.
What's on Netflix?
I don't know because this remote
control is just not working.
- Alright.
- I don't know what's going on.
Alright. Calm down. Bloody hell.
Listen, it's alright.
Listen, we can go old school
like and have a conversation.
Relax.
Or, even better if we have
a look at some old photographs.
That'll be fun.
What do you mean?
Like an old album and stuff?
Like of... of me... of my work?
Of you, obviously.
Like, you know, the old school
photographs, you know.
The ones when you had like
your afro and your flares
and your little picky head
and...
Those got destroyed years ago
in Haiti.
Oh, whatever.
Okay, okay.
- Alright.
- Mm-hmm.
Actually, who are they?
That's my grandparents and...
Yeah.
Nice. And who's that down there?
That's my mom
and that's my mom, too.
Yeah, and that mask there
my dad made that for my...
Well, for me and my mom
just after she d*ed.
Oh, very interesting.
It's different,
I can tell you that.
Yeah,
my mom was very interesting.
She was a bit weird, you know. She was
into all that magic stuff and everything.
Well, like voodoo
and juju business?
Yeah,
whatever you want to call it.
Like two days after my 19th
birthday, she passed away
and yeah, my dad told me that she wrote
a letter, but so slow, he passed away
before he could tell me where
the actual letter was so...
Oh, wow. I'm sorry to hear that.
But anyway, um, do you want something
to drink? What do you fancy?
Uh, anything really.
- Whatever you're having. Anything.
- Okay. So, vodka with lemonade?
- Yeah, that's alright. Yeah, yeah.
- Cool.
What?
How long for the food?
Oh, it should be here
in a minute.
Should I get that?
Yeah, go on. Go ahead.
I'm coming. I'm just getting changed.
- What's this?
- The... the... the... the...
This... this... this is
just mm... mm... mm... my... my system.
You're Mr. T Pa...
This is 65.
Yeah, but I didn't order pizza.
But...
you done on... on... on online.
Bruv, I ordered Thai.
I didn't order pizza.
But I... I...
I got a d... date. At eight.
- The... the... the... the...
- Oh, my Lord!
T... t... tip.
I know, I did not order pizza.
It's fine. Let's just eat
because I'm so hungry.
Oh, and it's seafood.
- Seafood?
- Yeah.
- I'm allergic to seafood.
- I know.
Okay, look.
Let me get something
from the kitchen.
Yep, don't worry.
Alright, can I wash my hands
at least?
Yeah, sure it's just down there.
- That door just there.
- Thanks, cheers.
Alright.
Oh!
What happened?
Oh, my goodness!
Like what else can happen?
Oh, sh*t!
...investing, you're
gonna have to report.
I know I'm late. You alright?
You know, busy morning and everything.
How you doing?
Whatever. Why you always late?
I just don't get it.
Stop complaining. I'm here now, okay?
What are you eating?
- Get your own food.
- Jeez!
I understand
this woman's prerogative in that
but there's late
and then there's late.
What's wrong with you, man?
Come on like you're not
getting enough bum at home.
Oh, like really?
Did you really need to even say that?
Jeez!
Talking about that, Shen,
how was last night?
Don't even go there.
Honestly, behave yourself.
Look, I've just decided that
it's not about me and men, okay?
It's about me and Marv.
That's it.
And he's the reason
why you ain't getting no man.
You see, man, this is exactly the
reason why I can't deal with them.
Exactly.
Don't end up one of those like
old biddies, you know.
All lonely
with your wrinkly cat... or dog.
Hold on, ain't that...
- So, I think he...
- Oh, that's Aunty Vanessa.
Aunty Vanessa, Vanessa.
- No.
- You got a white auntie?
She's Jewish for goodness sake.
Ah, that's like Vanessa
Fitzsimmon always man bashing.
- Hold on, ain't she like that... like relationship guru?
- Yes.
Maybe we should speak to her.
What?
Like what?
About my man problems?
- I think you should go to ask her.
- No, no, no.
- If you won't. I will.
- No.
No, no, no. No, No. No.
Um, hi.
- Hello.
- Excuse me. Hi, Ms. Feltz.
- Hi.
- Hi, my name is Shaz. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is my friend Shen.
- Hello.
- Hi there.
- Hi, pleased to meet you.
- Nice to meet. This is Ben.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi, Nice to meet.
- Hi.
- Hi. Pleased to meet you.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry, do you mind
if I get a selfie?
Sure, pleasure.
- I'll do it later.
- Alright, fine.
So, like this is my friend Shen.
She's basically been single
forever like as in cobweb single.
- Oh!
- And, um, I know that you guys have been together
for some time now
and I just wanted to know if you could give
us some advice on like what the secret is.
Well, what I would say...
Well, it's...
it's really very much like this.
Well,
I think the situation is this.
What you want is to cultivate
a relationship
with someone very different
from yourself.
You've got nothing in common,
whatsoever.
- Different background, different culture...
- Yeah, but...
...social class, everything completely
different, income, everything different.
So, you have nothing
to talk about at all.
Absolutely nothing 'cause
you got nothing in common.
Then you rev up
the chemical side
- and you get that whole carnal side.
- Yeah, but...
Now, if you unleash,
you know, that element in you
that may be dormant
for all these years.
- And so, for example, just for example, randomly...
- Yeah.
...you're doing something
really ordinary
- like let's say cleaning your teeth, okay?
- No, but that doesn't always...
But you have the option
of just cleaning your teeth.
You're like someone
in a toothpaste ad.
Okay, so you could be doing it
like this.
- Yeah, but don't forget...
- No, but you could instead... really, you know.
You get the toothpaste,
you just squirt it on.
Kind of like erupt
onto the toothbrush
and at the moment, you're just,
you know, and it's...
- Yeah, but what if...
- You squirt the tooth...
You remember when I did it,
it was only yesterday for God's sake.
Let's say you're putting on
lipstick.
You don't just do that, but instead
you, you know, just around there.
Just like... like that and then that way
you've got this simmering sexual tension
and you've got the whole thing
going on.
And, you know, and it can... You can transcend
it into anything you would normally do.
- Yeah.
- That type of thing.
So, what do you think, Ben?
Whatever she said.
Right.
Yeah, bruv.
It's just mad.
I don't know what's going on.
I swear to you,
it's like I'm cursed.
It's like... I don't know. I'm serious.
There's something wrong.
Everything that could have
gone wrong, went wrong.
What do you mean?
Did you ask her on a date?
I didn't even get that far.
That's what I'm trying
to say to you.
It's... bro,
I don't know what's going on.
I really don't, man.
It's just crazy.
I've invited her over later on, so I'm just
hoping that everything goes alright tonight.
I'm sure it will, bruv.
What about Clara, though?
When are you gonna see Clara
next?
Oh, yeah. No, I've got an
appointment with her in a few days.
Oh, nice. Cool.
Yeah, so that should be fine.
- Alright, cool, cool, cool, cool.
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah, man.
You'll be fine, brother.
- Yeah, alright.
- You're gonna be good.
- Bye-bye. Bye.
- Alright, bye.
♪ Oh, baby
It's gonna be tonight ♪
♪ We're gonna make it work ♪
♪ She gonna be the one ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ We're gonna make it work ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Yeah, she gonna be the one ♪
Oh, my gosh!
I can't wait till tonight.
Oh, my gosh! Okay. Okay.
♪ She gonna be the... ♪
No! Hold on.
That's mad.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Whoo!
Me, come on, me.
No!
What the hell's going on?
This is mad.
Oh, my God!
- Uh, do you want to take a seat?
- Yeah.
Alright.
Oh, my Lord!
No way.
Is everything alright?
Huh? Yeah, everything's fine.
Oh, my God!
Oh!
What's going on?
Are you sure everything's okay?
Oh, man!
Oh, wow! Okay,
so I guess it's takeaway then, yeah?
And this time, I'm ordering.
Oh, God! It's so cold out
here, but you know what?
It's better being out here
than the inside
with all that smoke
and your three-course meal.
Funny. Real funny.
- But it's true, right? Yeah.
- Oh, leave me alone, man.
- But I'm right.
- Yeah.
Do you know what?
I know it sounds weird yeah,
but I just can't believe you're here.
Like you're actually here
in my house.
Like, I just feel like
the luckiest guy ever.
I know it sounds weird.
I know. I know you think like I'm just
maybe just talking, but I mean it.
It's... it's just... it's crazy.
But talking about compliments
and stuff,
like what do you see
in your ideal woman?
- My ideal woman?
- Mm-hmm.
Natural, slick brown hair,
red lipstick,
- furry coat, black dress, nice teeth.
- Oh, you're funny.
You're too much.
You're absolutely too much.
No.
I just don't understand
why you're single.
Like, you're gorgeous.
Look at you.
Look!
That moonlight's nice, right?
Not as beautiful as you.
Look, this ain't what I had in mind.
I promise you, I can cook.
No, thanks, no. Uh-uh.
What, a limp lettuce leaf
is in your finger?
- I'm sorry.
- It's alright.
- What about some wine?
- Hmm. Cheers.
- Alright, cheers. Well, yeah.
- It looks very nice, anyway.
- Yeah, I did try.
- You did. You did.
Oh, man! It's bad.
- Do you dance?
- I do, actually.
- Can you?
- Yeah.
Do you have anything
I can change into?
Huh.
Yeah, I've got a dressing gown
in the bathroom.
Thanks.
Shenisha.
Shenisha.
Yo, Ash.
Ash, have you seen Shenisha?
Huh?
Been on a bender, mate.
Just got back.
Bro, do you believe in duppy?
In what?
Ghosts, spooks, evil sh*t.
You mean like Count Dracula
or Frankenstein?
Bro, I'm not even joking.
I think a ghost lives here.
So, is he more like Casper
or is he Freddy Krueger-ish?
- I'm serious.
- So am I.
That sh*t keeps moving
by itself.
Look, there's no such thing
as ghosts.
There's a logical explanation
for everything.
And on that note,
I'm going back to sleep.
I've been up all night.
Logical explanation,
I'm knackered. Later, mate.
Oh! Come in.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- You okay?
- Yeah, it's nice to see you.
Ah, good.
So, how are you?
Yeah, um, not bad.
Listen, you know the girl
you's talking to outside,
is that your friend or a client?
- Phishing, yeah?
- What?
Phishing, when you're trying
to find that information.
She's not my friend,
she's a client.
Client?
Anyway,
how's your quest for love?
No, it's alright. Yeah, still single.
Still looking.
Okay, well, I think today's session
is going to be about role play.
- Role play?
- Yes, you know, I need you to imagine...
It's not hard... you know, me,
sexy woman in a club, alright?
Just a feisty woman in a club.
I need to see how you would come for
all of this and try to get all of this.
- I got to do it, really?
- All of this.
Do you want to stay single, huh?
- Okay, alright.
- Come for me.
Alright. Alright.
Alright. Alright.
Okay. Alright. Ah!
Oh.
Oh, God!
God, I hate packing.
sh*t!
Hey, Claire.
Hiya.
Yeah. Um, look, I need to ask you to
do me a favor, please, if possible.
Yeah.
Would you look into a company
called Skyline Properties for me?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Skyline Properties.
Thanks, doll.
Yeah, bye. Bye.
Who wants their nails done
first?
Oh, go on. I'll give it a go.
Which color do you want?
I'd go with pink, but you know what
they say, pink makes the boys wink.
Hey.
Yeah, yeah. Everyone's here.
Yeah, what is it?
What is it?
Alright. Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bye.
- Claire?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's on her way.
Oh, well. I don't know.
If you ask me, I would say all men cheat.
- They just can't help it.
- Mm-hmm.
It's in their makeup.
If a woman's going to offer them the
pom-pom, they're going to take it.
Oh, no. Not my Byron.
He's not cheated on me before.
Not that you know about.
Piss off!
So, what's next for the evening,
ladies? What's next?
- Drinks.
- Yeah, cheers to that. That sounds good.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, cheers to that.
- Chin-chin.
- Mmm, this drink tastes good.
God, I so needed that.
- So, what did you find?
- Oh, hi, Claire.
Yes, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.
Yes, thank you very much. Yes.
Okay. Hi, how are you doing?
Okay, so what did you find?
Where's Marvin?
He's not here.
He's at my cousin's house.
- Come on, what did you find?
- Oh, hi, ladies. Alright?
- Hey, Claire.
- Hiya!
Nice.
Okay, you know I said that I
recognized this guy from somewhere.
- Yeah.
- Boom!
What is it?
I knew it would come to me. I went
through all my old albums and I found him.
Who are they?
- Oh, you don't want to know, babe. Man, there's more.
- There's more. sh*t.
Well, yeah. So, I did some
digging on your mystery developer
and he's none other
than Skyline Developers,
which they've just put in
an application
to build flats on your gym,
babe.
What?
Now, Companies Houses lists Skyline
Developers as Treyvon Patterson,
and Treyvon Patterson
on LinkedIn's profile
says that he used to go
to Woodhill College with us.
You recognize him now?
Yes, babe. It's Treyvon Patterson, Treyvon.
It's your Trey.
I hate him.
What do you mean you hate him? How...
how can you hate him when you just...
- Oh, sh*t!
- ...when you used to like him and now... what?
I mean that's even geeky for me,
Mavis.
- Mavis?
- Who?
So, your name's Mavis?
Can someone tell me
what's going on?
Oh, sh*t! Look,
she's having a moment, alright?
Look. That was then.
This is now, okay?
Look, you... you... you're stunning.
You're an absolute babe.
- Ain't she, ladies?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah, you're lovely, Shen.
No, but it's not what's on the
outside, it's what's on the inside.
You don't even understand.
Claire, do you know that
I'm still going to counseling?
Counseling?
Would you just please,
just shut up.
Babe, I'm actually glad that I'm moving because
I don't think I want to see him again.
This was like 19, 20 years ago,
babe.
Yeah, he's done wrong,
but I haven't seen that eye
quiver since you were at college.
Yeah, she's right.
What about the gym?
What about those kids?
Babe, it's just business.
Look, let's get this Avengers
on the road, okay?
Because I brought my onesie
and my hammer.
Bugsy Captain America.
- Iron Woman.
- Yes... oh, babe. This is my tune.
Get in. Yes!
What? What is that?
Oh, excuse me.
Do you know how to get to Central Park?
Wait, wait. Hold on. Wait.
Ain't you from here?
- You trying to get us lost?
- I'm not from here. This is Brooklyn.
North Train Avenue
is two blocks south.
Take the C-Train
and you'll find it.
- C-Train?
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, mate.
- Cool accent.
- Oh, thanks, bro.
Oh, God!
- Do you remember this tree?
- Of course, I remember that tree.
No, do you remember this tree?
- Of course, I do.
- Go on then.
Well, we had our first
picnic here and...
- Yeah.
- ...we, uh...
You... you definitely remember
this tree.
So, alright look, um, we've been
together like three years and...
- Four.
- Four?
- Yeah, four. Four years.
- Four?
We've been together four years,
five months,
three days
and two and a half hours.
Wow! Brah.
Anyway, look,
I've been thinking...
Really?
Go on, answer it already.
Hello.
Trey. Trey, Trey.
I'm in the middle of... What?
Come on, bruv.
No, I'm just about to do
my down on one knee thing, man.
What?
Bro, bro. Just handle your business,
bro, like I'm handling mine.
No. Bye, Trey. Bye, Trey.
Sorry.
Alright, so...
Oh, my God!
Will you marry me?
Yeah, of course.
- Would you really marry me?
- Yes!
- Will you marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me?
- Yeah.
Ai!
It's just beautiful.
- We're getting married.
- Yeah!
Bro, listen.
You need to kiss her, hug her,
make her feel like
she's the one, bro.
Trust me, man.
Do it like your life depended
on it.
She's the one.
She's the one.
She's the one.
Good morning.
Mum, what you doing here?
What? You're not going
to invite us in?
I need to go.
This is Myrtle, one of the young
ladies I told you about you.
The one at the church.
- Would you like a drink, Myrtle?
- Yes, please.
She'll have juice.
Any juice will do.
And I'll have a cup of tea
and in it.
That's good too.
Come on, Myrtle.
"And when he went out, hence..."
You got the Bible on your phone.
You do know it's the 21st
century, don't you, son?
It has to keep up
with the times, you know.
You can't walk around with
the paper version all the time.
"...in the synagogue, and many
hearing Him were astonished."
"Saying from henceforth
this man,
these things I tell you
the word, powerful."
Would you like to read
the next chapter, son?
Oh, do you know what?
I really want to go to the toilet, mom.
- Toilet?
- Yeah.
- Now?
- I'm bursting.
Like I'm...
like my bladder is full.
Hmm, too much information.
I'm sorry.
I'll be back in a minute.
- You have to go now?
- Yeah. I'll be back in a minute.
My kid.
He'll soon come back, yeah.
I think his belly's
a bit delicate.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Shenisha.
Go away, Treyvon.
Why? What have I done?
I just want to talk.
I've got nothing to say to you.
What?
Alright, look. I'm sorry.
I don't... I don't even know
what I'm saying sorry for.
Can you open the door?
Why would you want
to talk to me, anyway?
What? I'm ugly, remember?
What are you talking about?
You're gorgeous.
I've told you this.
Just open the door.
Just open the door.
Shenisha.
Why have you got a picture of me
when I was younger?
And, uh, ugly Mavis?
Who's this?
Is it... is it your sister?
- No, it's me, Treyvon.
- What?
- I don't understand.
- You know what, just delete my number.
I just don't exist anymore,
alright?
Just, just go away.
Shenisha.
Why?
The kids, the gym,
just like why.
Oh, man.
It's just business.
I'm a property developer,
that's what I do.
That gym's been derelict
for decades.
Just leave me alone.
Okay, look, can you
just give me five minutes?
But if you just let me in for five
minutes, I can explain everything.
Please.
Hold on. Wait. Where's Marvin?
Marvin's not here.
If he was here, you'd be minced meat.
Look, I just want to talk.
Please.
Talk to me about what?
So, you can lie to me?
You know, you ruined my life.
For all those years, I actually
believed that I was ugly
and I went to therapy
for years and years and years.
Yeah, well, look,
you're gorgeous. Look at you.
No, what you see is strong
and confident on the outside,
but you have no idea
what's going on in the inside.
Look, alright.
I know what I could do.
- What if... hear me out.
- Mm-hmm.
What if I still serve
the eviction notice.
Hold on, hold on.
Wait, wait a second.
- I knock down the building...
- I knew this was a bad idea.
...build some flats
- and then put a state-of-the-art gym underneath.
- No, no, no.
I think you need to leave.
- Just go.
- But that's alright.
I said just go.
Mummy!
Who keeps their dead mom
in the house?
What's this?
"Beauty is in the eye
of the beholder.
He who caused you pain must
call you gorgeous three times
or remain without someone
to love or hold,
without someone
to call their own.
Six weeks, six days,
six hours will pass.
The most your love
will ever last
until the time
true love you see,
your lonely fate I thus decree."
- What is...
- Hold on.
She's talking about me.
Someone to love. Someone to hold.
Someone to call their own.
That's me.
Hold up.
Your mom put juju on me.
That's it.
- Oh, Oh, sh*t.
- Treyvon, this isn't about you.
No, you're right. It's about us.
It's about you not letting people
judge you by what you look like
and understanding that beauty
is in the eye of the beholder.
And it's about me understanding
that I shouldn't just judge people
by what they look like
on the outside,
but what they're like
on the inside.
That's what it is.
Can't you see?
Look, look. Listen,
I'll just do anything to make this work.
Just... just let me know
what I need to do.
- I don't... I don't know.
- Forget the flats.
I'm... I'm not going
to knock down the building.
I won't bother with that.
Forget about the flats.
I'll just refurbish the gym and that's it.
I'll just spend the money there.
- What, you'd do that for me?
- Yeah.
No, I'll do it for us.
What's up with your eye?
And for her.
Like, I don't want to go
on the wrong side of her.
No, no, no, no. Not over mommy.
Yeah, I know, bro.
It just didn't work out, man.
I know that's life, mate.
I thought so, too.
No, come on, bruv.
Of course, I'm gonna be there.
I'm the best man
at your wedding.
Yeah.
Okay. Alright.
Alright. Take care.
Alright. Bye.
- Everything alright?
- Yeah, it is now.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, just Jirese talking about the
finance on that new deal I was doing.
- Alright. Okay.
- You okay?
I'm good.
Ashley!
Asher!
- Broski!
- Listen, bro. Quick one.
Set. Action.
Sir, we can't hear action at all
out there.
Action.
- You'd do that for me?
- Yeah, I'll do it for us. And her.
What's up with your eye?
I won't bother building
the flats. How about that?
I'll just refurbish the gym
and just make it brand-new.
- You'd do that for me?
- Yeah.
The eye is incredible.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's broke.
Let's do it again.
And for her.
Like, I don't want to get
on the wrong side of her.
Oh, you stepped on mom.
I guess I did.
Sorry.
Loves Spell (2020)
Moderator: Maskath3
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