10x18 - Love Shack

[bunniefuu]

[adult Adam] Back in the '80s,

no one had

more romantic moments

than Erica and Geoff,

from their courtship to

their magical wedding.

But since the birth of their baby,

the magic had taken a few hits,

and my sister was hoping to inject a

little passion back into their lives.

Boy, that "Hush, Little

Baby" lullaby is so weird.

Like, why would you buy

an infant a diamond ring?

What's all this?

What does it look like, handsome?

Sultry music, scented

candles, dimmed lights.

I'd say someone was either

hoping for a romantic evening

or planning on running a

fortune-telling parlor out of our room.

It's the first thing.

Tomorrow's our anniversary,

and I want to celebrate early.

- Champagne?

- Whoa, you are as bubbly as this Brut.

Ooh, there goes my nose tickle.

Even your dumb talking can't ruin this.

- Get over here.

- [knock on door]

Hey, you two, I made you a special

surprise for your anniversary.

- Can it wait?

- It cannot.

I call it "trout chili,"

and it will not keep.

We don't want that right now.

Well, I'll just leave all

32 quarts outside your door.

Ugh, I smell fish and peppers.

Well, just hold your nose and

let's get back to business.

- [knock on door]

- Erica, solve a bet for us.

Barry says he can jump to

the tree outside our bedroom,

but I think he's gonna die.

Impossible! I have the

expl*sive thighs of a kangaroo.

Tell him, Erica.

- Tell him how special my body is.

- For sure, go for it!

Wait, but that would

k*ll Barry and the mood.

But for the few minutes while

the ambulance is en route,

- we can get down.

- Yeah.

- [knock on door]

- Hey, where do you keep the plunger?

I don't know. Maybe ask anyone else?

It's kind of an emergency. I

already threw away my shoes.

We can't help you. No

one with any dignity can.

- [knock on door]

- Oh, God! Who now?

It's your friendly neighbor, John

Glascott. Do you have a moment?

We most certainly don't!

I'm just here to beseech

you to close your curtains.

I noticed that you set the

stage for a boudoir dalliance,

and I can see everything.

I guess my first recommendation

would be to close your curtains.

I have delicate Venetian blinds.

You would know that if you ever accepted

any of my multiple invitations

for coffee and Battleship.

Erica! Barry's hurt,

and not in a funny way.

In a "he's weirdly quiet" way.

All right, I solved it

by snapping a towel at it,

so, uh, you're welcome.

Guess what I brought? Chili spoons.

Why waste all these beans and mackerel?

Are they seriously just gonna eat in

the hallway, right outside our door?

- Oh, whatever.

- [Muriel crying]

And there's the baby.

Happy anniversary, buddy.

- Oh, that's good.

- [Glascott] Mm.

I'm twisted up inside ♪

But nonetheless I

feel the need to say ♪

I don't know the future ♪

But the past keeps

getting Clearer every day ♪

[adult Adam] It was

March 22, 1980-something,

and Barry and Joanne

had finally found a place

to move into,

Pop-Pop's old apartment.

Bathroom, uh, room

um, stove you could burn your trash on.

And here's the dying room.

- Do you mean the dining room?

- Oh, sure.

That's probably what

you guys will use it for.

This place is awesome.

There are support bars in the shower,

so I can do my tricep dips

while I wash off the sweat.

Yeah, it certainly has

your personality, Pop-Pop.

Uh, Barry, who's this broad

you're shacking up with, again?

I'm Joanne.

I've been dating your

grandson for over a year now.

I gave you my bone marrow.

Why am I helping them move?

My arms are built for Nintendo,

not whatever you call this.

- Manual labor?

- Come on, I'll show you the back alley

where you can throw your

grapefruit rinds and cigar butts.

Where should I put

Barry's throwing stars

- and private dream diaries, Mama?

- Uh, the closet?

[adult Adam] And in that closet,

I was about to discover more than

my grandpa's moth-eaten sweaters

a moth-eaten manuscript.

"Invasion from Cosmic

City" by BL Goldberg!

[adult Adam] Thirty pages of an

unpublished science-fiction manuscript

written by my grandfather.

Pop-Pop is a nerd!

- Hey, who told you you could read that?

- Sorry.

I'm just so excited to

find out that you're

- just like me!

- An oddball? Ah, no way.

And yet you are.

It's like Pops taught me

how to be kind and be a man,

and you and I share something

almost as important

made-up aliens and jetpacks.

You learned squat from me.

And I'll prove it. Look at that.

A rejection letter?

Ah, those bastards crushed my dreams,

but I showed 'em.

I gave up writing, and

every single morning,

I re read that letter.

Why would you do that?

To recharge my hatred

and distrust for the world

so that nobody can ever

hurt me like that again.

How is that showing them?

They thought they'd

beaten down BL Goldberg,

but my relentless anger will never die.

Ha! Ben wins.

[adult Adam] While I learned my grouchy

grandpa and I were sort of similar,

Geoff and Erica had learned

how hard it was to

get time to themselves.

A good morning to all creatures,

both jacked and puny.

Why are you so happy?

And, Geoff, where's my toast?

I'm not a wizard, Erica.

I can't make the toaster toast faster.

Hey, I sense an un-chillness in the air,

when I, in fact, demand

a fully formed chillness.

Mm. It's those two, babe.

They did this to the air.

Why are you guys even here?

We realized that when you

move into your own place,

your parents don't buy

food for you anymore.

So, we're eliminating the

middle man and stocking up.

Is the middle man the supermarket,

where you'd buy your own food?

Bingo! It's the only

downside about our new place.

It's been like a

second honeymoon for us.

- You guys aren't married.

- Then a first honeymoon.

You guys aren't married.

Barry, don't flaunt the

fact that our relationship

has gone to a new level in their faces.

- It really has.

- Mm-hmm.

I mean, that apartment is like a cocoon

tucked away from all the

disturbances of this house

to make space for our passion.

Or, as The B-52s would call it,

a love shack.

And from now on, not just that song,

but all music is ruined forever.

Don't deny something that's

perfectly natural, Geoff.

Every night and every day,

your sister and I stuff

ourselves at the buffet of love.

[gags]

Just let the toast burn.

Let the whole place burn.

- We can't be here any longer.

- Come on.

The most important

thing in a relationship

is to make time for each other.

We tried that, but this house is a zoo,

and the animals are my family.

Yes, it's well-established,

we're the worst.

Wait a minute. Babe, are you

thinking what I'm thinking?

Five. No. Twelve.

It's not a number,

it's the Secunda Hotel.

- Of course.

- Uh-huh.

Joanne just helped the concierge

work out a few legal issues,

and he gifted us a free night.

And we'd like to re-gift it to

you guys for your anniversary.

What? That's so nice of you.

Our lives are going

so well, dear sister.

We must spread our joy

to the less fortunate.

- Is it seven?

- Yes.

- Aah!

- Aah!

- Grab the bagels.

- Okay.

[adult Adam] With that,

Erica and Geoff tried again

to reboot their fire for each

other with a romantic hotel getaway.

- [knock at door]

- Coming, my sexy wife!

I think you're really

gonna like the accommodat

Sorry I'm late. I had to swing home.

Oh, uh, I see that, but why

did you bring our daughter?

Don't get me wrong, big fan.

I just couldn't leave her.

Well, she is the best.

Aren't you?

Look how amazing this room is.

Ooh, and how comfy that bed looks.

It does, doesn't it? Doesn't it?

Here's a thought.

Why don't you put down our girl,

and I'm gonna take a quick

catnap on this bad boy,

and then you and I, mister,

are gonna get on the train to Sexy Town.

Well, punch my ticket, 'cause

I'm all aboard. Choo-choo!

- Uh, babe?

- [snoring]

Fun.

[adult Adam] As Erica and

Geoff's getaway hit a snag,

I was stuck on the idea

that Pop-Pop and I

shared the same interests.

What's the matter, light of my loins?

You haven't touched your Boo Berry.

I just can't get over it.

Pop-Pop loves sci-fi, too.

I just wish he would talk about it.

Well, I guess your Pop-Pop couldn't

handle that publisher's rejection.

My whole life has been people

making fun of me and bullying me,

but I don't run away.

Unless the bully is an

above-average-size person,

or an average-size person,

or a tiny-but-aggressive person.

You never know what

those people will do.

Remember, Schmoo, Pop-Pop

didn't have something

that the Goldberg

kids were blessed with.

- A diet of oddly cheesed meats?

- Me.

He had to face his defeats

with no support system.

Maybe you can connect with

Pop-Pop by encouraging him.

But I can't do what you do,

especially not for someone as

defensive and awful as Pop-Pop.

I am the greatest ego booster

in the history of mankind,

and I can teach you.

Now, you read the sample

pages from Pop-Pop's book.

What did you think about them?

They were okay.

Okay or good?

I guess he showed some promise.

Then that's what you seize on.

You have to BEV.

- BEV?

- You build their confidence,

enable their self-delusions,

and value them over every

other person on earth.

Now, you said Pop-Pop's

writing showed some promise.

Instead, why not say

he's the greatest imagineer

the world has ever seen?

- But that isn't true.

- Well, who cares about true?

You're helping someone

get over their fear.

Now, pretend I'm Pop-Pop. Go.

Um, Pop-Pop, the beginning

of this book was fun.

Wrong! It wasn't fun.

It was the greatest literary

thrill ride the world has ever seen.

Seems a bit over the top.

Now, what does Pop-Pop love

even more than science fiction?

Sticking it to people?

Which brings us to "V,"

value him over other people.

"Pop-Pop, your writing isn't just good,

it makes Hemingway look

like an illiterate boob."

You're saying lie to

him about how great he is

in order to create a

false state of confidence,

like you do with Barry.

Um, yeah, yeah, like I do with Barry

and no other child.

- Right.

- Just Barry.

- Just Barry.

- Just Barry.

It's weird how you keep saying Barry.

Only Barry.

[adult Adam] And so, armed with my

mom's confidence-bolstering scheme,

I approached my grandfather.

- What you up to there, Pop-Pop?

- The obituaries.

I outlived Mervin Silver.

Tell me I'm cheating at bocce now.

Fun! So, listen.

- I was thinking about your sci-fi novel.

- I don't want to talk about it.

Those pages, they

don't just show promise,

they may be the greatest examples

of science-fiction writing since Asimov.

You think I'm supposed to hop to

my feet and act like a big sh*t

because my dopey grandson's

blowing smoke up my keister?

I just thought you'd want to stick it

in that publisher's face.

How would I do that?

First, you'd have to finish the book

and show them how fantastic it could be.

Then, when the whole

world holds you aloft

as the best science-fiction

writer of all time

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

you'd send them the reviews

with a big note in red marker

that says, "You blew it, loser!"

With a few horrible

things about his wife.

Yoo-hoo, wouldn't that

be something? [chuckles]

Y Y You really think I'm good?

I think you've got it all!

You mean I have pizzazz?

Pizz and azz all over the place.

[chuckles] What? Me? Think of that.

[adult Adam] While I was

lifting my grandpa to the clouds,

Erica was just crashing

down to Earth from dreamland.

[yawns] Oh, man.

Mama needed that catnap real bad.

All right. Well, sexy time.

Let's do this.

- Nope.

- What do you mean, "Nope"?

It's showtime. Romance. Come on.

- Uh-uh.

- Oh, playing hard to get?

Pretty boy needs to be

wined and dined, huh?

Well, what do you say we

order some room service,

pop in a Sade cassette,

light some candles, and

Why is it daytime?

- You've been asleep for 14 hours.

- What? No!

During our romantic getaway,

I was up all night with Muriel

while my wife was

snoozing like the dead.

No, no, no, no, no. Come on, baby.

We still have time, don't we?

- [knock on door]

- [woman] Housekeeping!

We just need four minutes!

- You're already a late checkout, ma'am.

- [mouthing]

Okay, three minutes. Lock Muriel in

the bathroom and let's get going, Geoff.

No. You know I can't perform

when you put a clock on me.

Remember that time at the Wawa,

when I was supposed to pick a

candy bar because they were closing,

and I left with a Chunky with raisins?

- Who's that for?

- [knock on door]

Oh, fine! We're coming!

At least steal all the towels, Geoff.

[adult Adam] My mom's

plan to instill Pop-Pop

with a writer's confidence

had gone swimmingly.

Nice hat, Pop-Pop.

Oh, this ain't no hat. It's a fedora.

Ooh, like Paula Abdul wears.

- So the writing's going okay?

- Big time.

Plus, I looked up that guy who

sent me the rejection letter.

It turns out he's dead.

And his wife d*ed 20 years before him,

so he's been completely

alone all those years.

- That's incredibly sad.

- You bet.

Oh, I know I don't say

this often enough,

Adam, but, uh, you're my grandson.

Thank you for that

basic acknowledgement.

So, when can I have a

look at this masterpiece?

Oh, you mean show it to

people? Uh, I'm not sure.

You know, I just started

a writers' group recently.

Writers' group?

Yeah, it's just a few literary-minded

folks from the neighborhood.

We meet up to offer each other

encouragement and

constructive criticism.

If I don't share my gift with these

schmucks, it'd be, uh, selfish, no?

Well, that's not really the

spirit of the group, but

Uh, my book will be a welcome treat

to the dreck that these

losers would write.

Again, I'm in the group.

And, uh, thanks again grandson.

That's what I always was to you.

But glad you're up for it!

- [adult Adam] I was BEVing like a pro.

- Yes!

Meanwhile, my sister and Geoff

stopped by Barry

and Joanne's to steal

back some groceries.

I'm sorry. It's just, we never

get any time together alone.

- That's because we never actually are.

- Exactly.

Why can't we just get one second

where it's just the two of us?

[adult Adam] Which was precisely

where they found themselves.

Barry's in class all day.

- And Joanne's in court.

- [quirky music playing]

[adult Adam] Sure, it

was their siblings' home,

but all that mattered was that

Erica and Geoff were alone.

Meanwhile, my writers' group had

filled our empty pages with words.

[Glascott] "Madam President says,

'For a Secret Service

agent, you talk too much.

'Now, put down that

bazooka and kiss me.'"

- Oh!

- Wow.

Super fun, Mr. Glascott. Loved it.

Thank you, Matt Bradley.

It felt good to get it

down to a lean 207 pages.

Okay, who's next?

Ooh, I am.

Uh, now, my prior greeting card poems

have focused only on Christmas,

but I'm expanding my horizons.

So this one's about Advent Sunday.

Instead of boring these

folks with Jesus or whoever,

why don't we give them

a real adventure story?

Pop-Pop, we keep it democratic

by randomly selecting the order.

No, it's fine, Adam. I'll just

wait a few more agonizing moments

wondering if I'm good enough.

- Go ahead, Ben.

- [Pop-Pop clears throat]

"It was hour one of the invasion."

[adult Adam] And so, Pop-Pop gave

us a taste of his latest work.

But what BL Goldberg cooked up

wasn't a new sci-fi masterpiece.

Nope, turns out my grandpa

just wrote a super-graphic

alien sex romp.

Well, that was spectacular. Hmm?

- It's interesting.

- So interesting.

I concur on the interesting.

Well, I have a question.

- Why was it so filthy?

- Filthy?

You know, all the very explicit

and unrelenting sexual imagery.

Well, aliens, they really get after it.

It seems they do nothing else.

Is Earth just one big bed to them?

Well, it's a foxy planet.

You gotta admit it.

See, our sun cooks their loins

and puts them into a frenzy.

No, no, no. I remember those 30 pages,

but the plot just seems to fall away.

What happened to the

astronauts from the beginning?

They d*ed from Bazoomba-Boomba.

And Bazoomba-Boomba is?

- Rigorous Martian love.

- [Glascott] Mm.

Our carbon-based bodies

couldn't take the friction.

- Interesting.

- So interesting.

I love how interesting it is.

Oh, I see what this

is. This is a hit job.

We're just asking questions.

Questions like why and how

and who wants to hear about

"a green-skinned broad with a skirt so

short you can use it as an eyepatch"?

I actually liked that part.

All right, all right.

You want to dig in, huh?

Your thing about this guy that works

in the dungaree shop is idiotic!

The only thing he thinks

about is folding jeans.

It's a metaphor for control

in a chaotic universe.

And your story about

this middle-aged broad

that flirts with the young

man in your writers' group

and works at the Gap is

clearly about you and this one.

I wondered why Brad

Mattley sounded so familiar.

- No.

- And your action picture? It's boring.

As in "boring into your

skull with excitement"?

- As in crappy.

- Pop-Pop, please stop.

And you're the worst of all.

You lied to me, told me how good I was

so these jerks could take their

cheap sh*ts at me? Thanks a lot.

[Virginia gasps]

Well, who wants to get a

drink to clear their heads?

Just you, Matt?

[adult Adam] While Pop-Pop was

feeling like I had betrayed him,

Erica and Geoff were

finding any excuse they could

to continue their secret tryst.

And I mean any excuse.

Pop-Pop wants his baby

teeth from the apartment?

- [chuckles] Sure. Why not?

- [quirky music playing]

You both simultaneously got jury duty?

- Guilty.

- Guilty.

- Say no more. Bye!

- Bye!

A couple's dentist appointment?

Hmm. Sounds fun.

- This was a perfect plan.

- [keys jingle, door rattles]

Oh, my God!

They've returned to their

own home for some reason!

I'm gonna get caught with my wife!

You know, it's funny, but I feel like,

today, I became a parent.

Definitely better than Erica and Geoff.

After all, Muriel crawled

for the first time, to you.

- [both] What?

- Aah!

What the crap are you doing in here?

Not important. Did you just say

that Muriel crawled to Barry?

Why are you wearing our sheets?

We missed the first time

our daughter crawled?

She sure did.

To me, of all people.

Why is your hair all mussy?

Were you break dancing?

Uh, y yes?

Totally. Just poppin' and lockin'.

Wait a minute. Have you two

been getting busy in our bed?

In fairness, it was rarely in the bed.

- I can't believe this happened.

- This is your fault.

What? It's yours!

You're too damn

beautiful. I can't resist.

You're the hot one.

Toned and muscly and

sensuous, all in one.

I never feel as safe as

when I'm in your arms.

Your magazine-cover good looks make

me feel like I'm capable of anything.

What is happening?

They hate how attracted

they are to each other.

- All right, let's all calm down.

- Whew.

Neither of you are as physically

appealing as me and Joanne.

We were so selfish,

we missed one of the greatest

moments of Muriel's life.

I guess we're just gonna

have to focus on being parents

and give up on being a couple.

So, how was your couple's

dentist appointment?

[adult Adam] Thanks to me, Pop-Pop

shared his writing with the world.

The world did not share his enthusiasm.

Bev, I shall be eating downstairs,

as I see no one here I care to eat with.

[Beverly] Ben, stop.

You can't go the rest of

your life not talking to Adam.

You underestimate my spite muscles.

The truth is, I'm the one

who pushed Adam into this.

I thought you two having something

in common would bring you together,

and I'm the one who suggested

he bend the truth about your work.

A-ha! So it was all lies!

Well, both of you successfully

made a jackass of me.

Okay, well, you're not

the only one because, Adam,

I occasionally lied to you, too.

Lied to me? About what?

Sweetheart, I've been telling you

you are a film-making genius

since you were eight years old.

Did it ever occur to you I might be

stretching the truth a little bit?

What are you talking about?

I'm a prodigy.

Every one of your friends

said so through gritted smiles.

Let's be honest.

Everything you did couldn't have

been the home run I said it was.

Are you telling me I'm not a genius

whose words have been translated

into 400 different languages?

Let me put this in Spanish: No.

So, was a highway not named in my honor?

That's just Interstate 95.

Was my work not put on the space shuttle

and sent to the great beyond

so other civilizations

could appreciate it?

It's in that drawer.

My whole life is a lie.

Both of you, sit down.

Adam, I sometimes

wasn't truthful with you,

but doing anything worthwhile

makes you vulnerable.

And isn't it easier to

have the support of someone

who loves and believes in you?

But did you believe in me?

I've always believed in you, Schmoo,

even when I thought you

needed to grow a little.

The important thing

was you were enjoying

your creativity until you got there.

And, Ben, weren't you

enjoying writing again?

Is that the most terrible

thing Adam could have given you?

I guess I enjoyed talking

spaceships and robots with the kid.

And I really do think

your book has promise.

There's a really good story in there,

if you just make it a little

less terrifyingly sexual.

- What's this, now?

- I can do that

for the best grandson in the world.

- Hey, that's pretty nice.

- ["In Between Days" playing]

Heh.

- How are you guys doing?

- Fine.

Besides the fact that we're

never leaving our baby again.

Look, even though we

had a taste of the joy

of being parents today,

we can't say we understand

how hard this is for you both.

But one thing we do know

If you don't also make

time for each other,

you're not gonna be happy.

Because two unhappy parents

makes for one unhappy kid.

So, maybe you have to

miss a few magic moments

to make sure you can

give this little cutie

the happy parents she deserves.

- [Joanne] Hm.

- Wow.

Did you two just give us

great parenting advice?

Well, someday, we plan on being

even better parents than you.

Even though that's gonna

be nearly impossible.

Does this mean we can use your

apartment for our alone time?

- Ugh, Jesus.

- Oh, God, no.

- All right, I'm done.

- Geoff, you ruined it.

[adult Adam] Sometimes, the

hustle and bustle of our lives

can make us forget to

connect with each other,

which is why it's so great

when we uncover new ways

to make our connections even stronger.

'Cause when we make

time for those we love,

there's no telling how

great the story can turn out.

Okay, Mrs. Kremp, you're up.

Well, I couldn't stop thinking

about Ben's erotic tale,

so I thought I would try my

hand at the steamy genre myself.

- Smoke break.

- Oh. Okay.

There's more space now,

if you want to slide over.

I'm good. This is the

last time I'm attending.

[clears throat] "Charlene

had known Roderick

since they shared a

smile at summer camp.

"But everything changed the

day he came to fix her sink.

"His fully-clothed body

just inches from her fully-clothed body,

he pressed his bare hand into hers.

"It was electric with

respect and friendship."

But what happened to the leaky sink?