Butter Battle Book, The (1989)

[bunniefuu]

On the last day of

summer, ten hours before fall,

my grandfather

took me out to the Wall.

For a while

we stood silent

and finally he said

with a very sad

shake of his very old head:

As you know, on this side

of the Wall we are Yooks.

On the far other side

of this Wall live the Zooks.

And the things that you

heard about Zooks are all true!

That terribly horrible

thing that they do!

And in every Zook house

and in every Zook town

every Zook eats his bread

with the butter side down!

Butter,

butter, butter bright

every morning,

noon and night.

Spread your

bread, spread it right,

pat, pat, smear, smear,

pat, pat, smear, smear,

pat, pat,

butter side down.

But we Yooks, when we

eat, when we breakfast or sup,

we spread our bread right,

with the butter side up!

'Cause of course you

remember our bread spreading rule,

that you learned as a lad

back in bread spreading school.

On my honour as a Yook

youth, I do solemnly swear

to spread up on top here

and never down there.

On my honour as a Yook

youth, I do solemnly swear

to spread up on top here

and never down there!

Thats the true, honest way!

And all honest folks know that you cant

trust a Zook who spreads bread down below!

Every Zook must be

watched! He has kinks in his soul!

Thats why, as a young

man, I made watching my goal,

watching Zooks for the

"Zook-watching border patrol"!

With a song in my heart

and a spring in my knee,

with glint in my eye

and a hup, two, three!

I strided with

pride along that wall

and I watched

those Zookers, one and all.

And if they got fresh,

I just gave them a twitch

with my tough tufted

prickely snick-berry switch.

For a while that worked fine.

All the Zooks stayed away

and our country was safe.

Then, one terrible day,

a very rude Zook

by the name of VanItch

snuck up and slingshotted

my snick-berry switch!

Hooray for our side,

butter side down!

Why, those dirty upside down

butterers! They can't do that to us!

Well, I never saw anything

so aggressively affrontable!

It's worse than e'er.

It's acrimonious!

Those Zooks!

They're impossible.

And they get impossibler and

impossibler and impossibler. Every day!

Ask me! They get too

big for their britches!

With broken-off switch,

with my head hung in shame,

to the chief Yookeroo

in great sorrow I came.

But our leader

just smiled. He said:

Dear boy,

youre not to blame.

You simply have

suffered a minor defeat,

'cause your snick-berry

switch is a bit obsolete,

their slinghot's more modern.

What we need

to get is a w*apon

that's even

more moderner yet.

So, I've ordered the boys

in the backroom to figure

how to build you some

such super booper sling jigger.

With my triple sling

jigger I sure felt much bigger.

Okay!

Okay!

I marched to the Wall

with my triple sling jigger.

I marched to the Wall

with great vim and great vigor,

right up to VanItch

with my hand on the trigger!

"I'll have no more

nonsense", I said with a frown,

"from Zooks who eat

bread with the butter side down!"

VanItch looked quite sickly.

He ran off quite quickly.

I'm unhappy to say,

he came back the next day.

sh**t if you must

with your triple sling jigger,

but I also now have

MY hand on a trigger!

My defensive w*apon,

the jigger rock snatchem,

will fling 'em right back

just as fast as we catch 'em.

We'll take no more nonsense.

We'll take no more gupp

from you Yooks who eat

bread with the butter side up.

Stymied.

Thwarted.

Mission aborted!

"I have failed, sir,"

I sobbed as I made my report

to the chief Yookeroo

in the headquarters fort.

Not at all, my dear boy.

You did fine, my dear boy!

But the slingshot... dear

me, is an old-fashioned toy!

All we need is a little

more modern kind of g*n.

My boys in the back

room have already begun

to think up a walloping

whiz-zinger one!

They thought up a

great one! They certainly did.

They thought up a g*n

called the kick-a-poo kid

which they loaded with

powerfull poo-a-doo-powder

and ants' eggs and bees' legs

and dried-fried clam chowder.

And they carefully trained

a real smart dog named Daniel

to serve as our country's

first g*n-toting spaniel.

Then Daniel,

the kick-a-poo spaniel, and I

marched back toward the

Wall with our heads held up high!

It's time that we bop them...

- ...those monsters that dwell...

...on the other

side of the Wall!

They're fookey and freaky!

- Kooky and sneaky!

They're rude and crude!

- They're frightfully lewd!

On the other

side of the Wall!

It's time that we bash them!

- My dear, that's truth?

They're ugly, unnatural...

- ...unkept and uncouth!

They're weird and suspicious!

- Obnoxious! - Atrocious!

They're rotten! - Malicious!

- They're gauche and horocious!

Repugnant! - Repulsive

they are! - We're refined!

They're crude! - They're nutty!

- They're out of their minds!

All the things they do...

- They're no good!

I never have met one, but

I hear that they're stinky!

On the other, other, other side,

other side, that other side of the Wall!

Ready?

- Ready!

Aim!

Aim...

Fi... Fir...

sh**t if you must

with your wee tiny sh**t,

but the boys in my back

room have rendered it neuter

with this eight-nozzled

elephant-toted boom-blitz.

It sh**t high-expl*sive

sour cherry stone pits

and will put your dumb

kick-a-poo kid on the fritz!

Poor Daniel and I were

scared out of our witz!

Once again by the Zooks

I was bested and b*at.

Once again I limped home

from the Wall in defeat.

I was losing my

gumption, losing my will,

when the Right-side-up

song girls marched over the hill!

Never give up,

never tremble or flutter,

never sad, never drab,

never stumble or stutter!

Believe in yourself and

the bread that you butter,

have faith in your butter,

be steadfast and true,

remember all Yookdom

depends on you!

Forget what has

happened, my boy.

We have voted to

make you a general.

Youve been promoted!

Your pretty new uniforms ready.

Get in it! And next time when

you go up to battle, you'll win it!

The boys in the back

room have figured out how;

just wait till you see what

they've puttered up now!

To clobber those Zooks

in their land of bad butter,

we have builded a thing

called the Utterly Sputter.

It's a plane that's so

modern and frightfully new,

even we don't quite

know all the things it can do.

But the main thing it does is to

sprinkle blue goo all over the Zooks!

Happy trip! Toodeloo!

We spread our bread

the way we ought,

we spread the way

our mothers taught,

we fought the wars

that must be fought.

Yook, yook,

yook-a-loo-dah!

Win we will

and win we must,

our hearts are

true, our course is just,

our bread is pure

from crust to crust.

Yook, yook,

yook-a-loo-dah!

Spreading

rightly makes us free.

Upward

Yooks and Yookaree!

Spreading to eternity,

yook, yook, yook,

yook, yook-a-lu-jah!

Yook, yook, yook, yook,

yook-a-loo, yook-a-loo, yook-a-lu-jah!

VanItch?!

How do you like MY plane?

Forget it, old fellow!

You are stymied again!

Buster, that was a pretty

sour flight that you flew.

And the chief Yookeroo...

Well, he is looking for you!

To make the world's

most mighty w*apon

you take a

mess of mook-a-hoo

and you twaddle it...

and you waddle it a bit!

That's what you do.

Now this sly,

unstable substance,

dug from deep

beneath the land,

contains grand evil powers

that we scarcely understand.

And when it starts to burp and

bubble, you can press it in the scrubs.

That precipitates the pluggins

and activates the glucks.

Then you

squeeze it till it's squeezen,

then you

squeeze it even tighter,

'cause the tighter

that it's squeezen

makes its mighty

might more mighter!

And it's just a bloody miracle

you've got when you are through.

You got a little itsy

bitsy big-boy boomeroo!

And lovely throbbing, globbing gumdrop,

that you're holding in your hand,

will blow those

blasted Zooks away

to never Neverland!

You just run to the

Wall like a nice little man.

Drop this b*mb on the

Zooks just as fast as you can.

I have ordered all Yooks

to stay safe underground

while the bitsy big-boy

boomeroo is around.

Thats when Grandfather found

me! He grabbed me. He said:

You should be down that hole!

And youre up here instead!

But perhaps this is all

for the better, somehow.

You'll see

me make history.

Right here!

And right now!

You'll see your old gramp

put an end to them all!

Put an end to all those

Zooks who live over the Wall!

Put an end to the

every last village and town

of those fiends who eat

bread with the butter side down!

And I, my dear chap,

have a message for you!

Mainly, I also have

a big-boy boomeroo!

And it's my firm intention

since I have the means

to blast every Yook

into small smithereens!

Grandpa! Be careful!

Hey! Easy! Oh, gee!

Whos gonna drop it?

Will you? Or will he?

Be patient!

We'll see.

We... will see...