19x16 - Gunpowder and Lead

[bunniefuu]

MEREDITH: Throughout
history, traumatic experiences

have caused physiological
responses long after

the events themselves have passed,

racing heart, pupil dilation,
nightmares, panic att*cks.

How do you have so much energy?

Didn't you get home at, like, : a.m.?

Exhaustion is a construct.
Mind over matter.

- Stethoscopes or diplomas?
- No.

Are those clip-ons?

You cannot wear those to
stand up in my wedding.

My dad likes to
commemorate accomplishments

with formal wear.

- Your dad has questionable taste.
- That's what my mom says.

We're going shopping. My treat.

Oh, since you're treating us to things,

can toilet paper be a treat?
Because we're out.

MEREDITH: Mesopotamian soldiers depicted

these symptoms on cuneiform
tablets over , years ago,

yet post-traumatic stress disorder

wasn't introduced as a
diagnosable mental health

condition until .

- Doing anything tonight?
- Why?

Well, there's a new bar that
opened in my neighborhood.

It looks pretty cool.

I give it about a week before
the tech bros take it over.

- Want to check it out?
- Sounds like a date.

Nope, not a date. Just...
two coworkers getting a drink.

No, thanks.

Hey, look.

Would you really rather be hanging out

with your -year-old
roommate and her friends

than get one drink with me?

Yeah.

MEREDITH: It's a lesson
we learn in medicine

time and time again...

Just because we don't have the words

doesn't mean the symptoms aren't real.

Hey, Scout.

Should we show Jo and Luna
what we've been working on, huh?

Let's do it. Ready?

BOTH: A, B, C, D...

You've been learning sign language?

I... I found an app that
teaches the ASL alphabet.

Now your face is telling
me that I screwed up.

- Did I screw up?
- I told you that I needed more time.

We don't even have her MRI results back,

her genetic testing.

You're... you're learning sign language?

Ben, now, first you
save this man in a fire.

Now you're sitting at his bedside?

You want me to sit with you?

No, you... you've got a crisis
of your own to deal with.

[GROANS]

We're going to get through this.

- All of it.
- Yeah.

Mm.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

What the...

[LAUGHS] Well, who let you in here?

Well, I had to restock the PRT,

so I thought I'd swing
by and say hi to you...

Hi... and my favorite patient.

You're so adorable, huh?

- Yes, you are.
- You couldn't get supplies in Illinois?

Well, I could. But Illinois
just doesn't have Connor, so...

- No, they don't.
- All right, you've had your fun.

My turn. Come on, up, up, up.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

Aw.

- How is his mom doing?
- Better every day.

OK. Up now.

- Any pain there?
- No.

Is there any way to speed this up?
There's somewhere I have to be.

I'm going as fast as I can.

Oh, Dr. Adams, Dr. Millin. This is Matt.

I just cleared his
C-spine, and I just need

- you to get him up to CT.
- How'd you hurt yourself?

- Took a sword to the neck.
- A foam sword.

It has a plywood core.

LARPing accident.

Why do you think I
would know what that is?

Live-action roleplaying.

The guys in the park with the swords?

Now I see why you
think I would know that.

If his CT is negative, just
keep him here for observation,

to make sure that the
swelling in his trachea

doesn't compromise his airway.

Page me if you need anything.

Can I please just go now?

I feel fine, and this is my only sh*t

to usurp the game master.

If I don't get back to the
park before sunset, that's it.

Well, if your trachea swells up

enough that air doesn't reach
your lungs, that is also it.

Statistically, what are the
chances of that happening?

Look, no disrespect, but
this game is make-believe.

Is it worth risking actual death?

- Depending on the statistics, maybe.
- Oh, I get it now.

This is about a girl.

Oh my god, not everything is about love.

- Princess Astrid of Dungeness.
- See?

Unbelievable.

It was love at first sight.

For six years, I've loved her.

Today I shall declare it.

She is my destiny.

Good morning, Mr. Porter.

I'm Dr. Webber.

This is Dr. Yasuda.

We're going to be doing
your colonoscopy today.

Yasuda?

Russell Porter, .

Experiencing unintentional
weight loss and anemia.

Has a family history of colon cancer.

Referred by his PCP for
a diagnostic colonoscopy.

Are you doing OK?

- He doesn't like hospitals.
- I'm fine.

Well, in about minutes, you're not
going to know where you are.

It will be the best nap of your life.

Sounds great.

- Can I get a colonoscopy too?
- [LAUGHTER]

Where are we?

We're in the hospital, baby.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Get this off of me.
- Look, Russell...

- Get it off!
- Russell, you're OK.

Who are you?

What... what's happening?
Why doesn't he remember who I am?

Let's forget about the colonoscopy.

And let's get a head CT.

- And page Dr. Shepherd, OK?
- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Dr. Yasuda.

Do you want to just come with me...

Get away from me. Don't come near me!

OK. Oh my god.

[SOBBING] Get away from me.

Get away from me.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- [GROANING]
- Any nausea?

Oh, yeah.

And the pain on your side
on a scale of to ?

most days, on a bad day.

It's got to be stones, right?

I've always had trouble with my kidneys.

What kind of trouble?

Had the right one removed
several years back.

But the pain is currently on the right?

Left. I had the left one removed.

- [CHUCKLES] Oh, I'm getting old.
- Let's take a look.

Hey, is Dr. Bailey working today?

I was looking on the internet.

It says she's the best doctor
here for kidney problems.

Think I could see her?

She's busy, but I'll put in a page.

In the meantime, we'll take some urine

samples and some images,
and we'll know more.

Oh, thanks. I just don't want to
mess around with the only kidney

I have left, you know?

[SIGHS]

What are you doing?

Exercise.

Tox screen is negative.

Bloodwork only shows anemia
and mild renal impairment.

Hmm.

Grace said Russell's been experiencing

some brain fog lately.

Pretty mild, until today.

She chalked it up to a stress at work.

- [SCANNER BEEPING]
- Ah.

Well, head scans are negative.

Are those what I think they are?

Russell, we see some
b*ll*ts in your scan.

- When did you get sh*t?
- [SIGHS] years ago.

Went to the grocery
store for taco seasoning,

came out with three g*nsh*t wounds.

Can you imagine?

Surviving a sh**ting and then having

to walk around with metal inside you

for the rest of your life?

What were his symptoms, again?

Anemia, fatigue, weight loss.

And now he's exhibiting
brain fog, confusion.

- I'll... I'll go test his lead levels.
- Put a rush on it.

He's been off the oscillator
for three days now,

and they're minimizing
the vent settings.

[PHONE BUZZING]

You're still getting calls?

You know, someone's
heart stops on my table,

I'm... cool as a cucumber.

But the phone rings,
and I... shake. I... I shake.

Because it's terrifying.

They're harassing you,
and it's relentless.

Ben almost d*ed on duty
the other day, again.

So terrifying in my life has layers.

Like, when the phone rings,
I don't know what I should

- be panicking about first.
- [PHONE BUZZES]

And it never stops ringing.

[SIGHS] I just hope
to god these lunatics

will move on before I
have a second heart att*ck.

Wait a minute. You had a heart att*ck?

How did I not know about this?

- When?
- Years ago.

It... look, it's... it's fine.

I'm fine. Everything is fine.

If you're using fine as a stand-in

for another four-letter word, I can get

- on board with that analysis.
- OK. Nothing's fine.

This helps, though.

Yeah.

Well, I find there's not much
that a roomful of babies can't fix.

And old friends.

This is Dr. Hunt, our
head of trauma surgery

and an expert at
treating g*nsh*t victims.

I don't understand.

What does this have
to do with his colon?

Nothing.

As it turns out, based on his bloodwork,

Russell has lead poisoning.

The b*llet fragments in his chest

and his spine have been leaching lead

into his bloodstream
and his spinal fluid.

That explains all of your symptoms...

The intermittent confusion,
the forgetfulness.

Just like the episode
you had earlier today.

But the surgeon said it was
riskier to take the b*ll*ts

out than to leave them in.

Most of the time that is true.

The body forms scar
tissue around the b*ll*ts,

preventing lead from getting
into the blood and the spinal fluid.

But in some cases, like
yours, that scar tissue

never forms and the best course
of action is to remove them.

So you remove the b*ll*ts
and my symptoms just go away?

Within a few days, your
lead levels will drop

and your symptoms
will gradually improve.

- And what about his confusion?
- There are no guarantees.

It could take weeks, months, even years

for the encephalopathy
to subside, if at all.

So I can go through all this and still

can't remember who my wife is?

Hey, it's OK. I'm not going anywhere.

I'll just keep reminding you, OK?

When I heard the g*nshots,
I was in the cereal aisle.

I tried to find a place to hide,

but there was nowhere to go.
It was a grocery store.

I was totally exposed.

So I got down on my knees, and I prayed

that I'd make it out alive.

But if I would have known
how much I'd suffer...

I know that feeling, Russell.

Listen, I am a survivor
of a sh**ting too.

Too many of us are.

It is a lifelong struggle whether you

remove those b*ll*ts or not.

So in a way, you have nothing to lose.

And who knows... if we can take away

some of your physical pain maybe that

could help take away some
of your other pain too.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

OK.

Let's take them out.

- OK.
- OK.

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Dr. Shepherd?

It's Mika Yasuda from Grey Sloan.

Dr. Hunt and Dr. Webber
told me to come get you.

We need a neuro consult.

Also, I really have to pee.

[SIGHS]

Bathroom's over there.
- You know what?

It was a false alarm. I'm good.
Should we get you dressed?

Because... wait, wait! Ow!

Dr. Hunt says I can't leave without you.

Call the backup neurosurgeon on call.

We have a patient with a b*llet embedded

in his thoracic spine.

It has to come out.

Dr. Hunt says you're the
only one who can do it.

Please.

- Fine.
- Great.

Uh, my van is out front.

You have to kind of, like, lift
and kick the door at the same

- time. But you know what...
- I'll drive myself.

I'll see you there!

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing here?
You hate pregnant women.

Don't say that. It makes me
sound like an awful person.

- But I do feel hives coming on.
- Yeah.

Uh, I'm just checking on you.

Well, I am waiting
for Luna's test results

to determine whether
her hearing loss is due

- to an underlying disease.
- Yeah, I know.

At daycare this morning,
there was this mom,

and she was fighting with her kid

about taking off his bike helmet.

And I just... I just wanted to scream,

"This is not a real problem."

And I know it's all... relative.

And the truth is, is, I would love it

if my biggest problem
right now was Luna refusing

to take off her bike helmet.

Yeah, and don't we want to
encourage helmet wearing?

I'm going to stop
trying to make you laugh.

I might have all of
these decisions to make...

Hearing aids, cochlear implants,

sign language, things
that will affect her

for the rest of her life.
And it's not like I can just ask her

what she wants in years.

My job as a mom just changed
in the blink of an eye,

and I don't know if I'm
going to be very good at it.

I'm not a parent, but
I do have to deal with

the parents of my patients a lot.

So I'm kind of an expert.

And what I know is that you are
not only good at it, you are great.

And you're going to
continue being great.

You are a great mom.

Thanks.

Oh, and um, if you need
help with sign language,

I do know happy birthday,

my name is Levi, and, um, butt.

- [LAUGHS]
- There. I did it.

- My work here is done.
- [LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Watch where you're going!

What?

What?

[LAUGHING] Hey.

Did Meredith tell you
to come check on me?

No. I was actually worried about Bailey.

Why do I need to check on you?

- Uh, you know, I'm... it's fine.
- Hey! Come on, Amelia.

- It's me. Spit it out.
- Um, Mer moved, and then Maggie moved,

and then Kai left me.

And so I've, um, pretty much
been abandoned by everyone.

And you know how well I
do with abandonment, so...

Amelia.

- I have a consult.
- [SIGHS]

We need to remove the
spinal b*llet first

since it's most likely
causing the encephalopathy.

What about the scattered
fragments in the lung?

Can we do a non-anatomic resection

of the affected lung tissue?

- Yeah, good.
- Please, go ahead. Start without me.

- We did.
- Sorry, I got here as fast as I could.

My van doesn't go over , and I'll...

I'll stop talking now.

Assuming you can remove
the b*llet in the spine...

Assuming I can?

You woke me up. I assume
that you know that I can.

Amelia, we really don't have
time for whatever this is, OK?

You'll go first.

We'll remove the b*llet from the spine,

irrigate, close, and flip the patient,

and then I'll start the thoracotomy.

Anything else I should know?

Did you want to pick the
music for the OR as well?

Are there any other options you
would like to discuss, Dr. Shepherd?

Nope.

Dr. Ndugu seems to be in charge here.

Let's go with his plan.

OK.

- Was that...
- Definitely not about you.

- All right.
- OK.

Are you experiencing
an increase in pain?

- Nope. I feel great.
- Whoa.

- Whoa, where are you going?
- To the park.

- Do you know where my shoes are?
- Hey, no.

We need to keep you a little longer,

just to make sure
you're out of the woods.

You're really going to
make me wait a full week

- to tell Astrid I love her?
- What's one more week?

- Today when I almost d*ed...
- It was a foam sword.

I fought to keep breathing with
every molecule in my body.

I couldn't let myself die
without telling Astrid how I feel.

You probably think it's crazy, but... I

don't even know her real name.

But I know her smile, and
I know what makes her laugh,

and I know her heart.

And I have to tell her.

Oh, you are full of
adrenaline right now.

You are not thinking clearly.

Or maybe he's thinking clearly
for the first time in his entire life.

I mean, what if you go to
the park and Princess Astrid

doesn't feel the same way?

Or maybe she's been in love
with you this whole time too.

- Yeah, I prefer his take.
- Stop encouraging him.

This game is clearly your...
your happy place.

Do you really want to trash
all of that for a girl whose

real name you don't even know?

You look like a princess, but
you have the heart of an ogre.

Correction... I look like a goddess,

and I have the heart of a person who
tells sad men the whole truth.

Or a troll.

She has the heart of a troll.

I'll give you your shoes
back when I discharge you.

[SIGHS]

The urinalysis and X-ray
both came back negative.

Next steps?

Run an ultrasound to fully
rule out kidney stones.

Good. What do you need me for?

He said he only had one kidney,

but there are clearly two in the films

and he doesn't have any surgical scars.

Also, he asked for you.

I told him you were busy, but...

Is it... hello, sir. I'm Dr. Bailey.
Go ahead, Kwan.

- Been looking forward to meeting you.
- I'm, uh, flattered.

Dr. Kwan is one of our finest interns.

He's going to be doing an ultrasound...

How are the kids?

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. Have
I treated you before?

No, no, no, no, no.
Just a... just a fan.

[CHUCKLES]

How's the new place?

Boys settling in OK?

Excuse me?

Young Pruitt's been through so much.

I mean, it would be a real,
real shame if something else

were to happen.

Ultrasound is negative.
Uh, you can discharge him now.

Oh, now, hang on. Is that
how you treat your patients?

Sir, sit back... sit down.

Or do you only extend common
courtesy to other murderers, huh?

Come back here.

I'm not finished with
you, Dr. Baby k*ller!

[GRUNTING]

- Call security!
- Hey!

- This isn't over!
- Just stay down.

[TENSE MUSIC]

You know, I thought we were friends.

Or at least colleagues
who respected each other.

Amelia, what is going on?

What's going on is, you
let one of the only people

in the world who cares
whether I eat a hot meal

or sleep for more than
four hours in a night

move to Chicago.

You know as well as I do
that no one let Maggie move.

You're her husband, and
you let your ego destroy

what was once true love.

OK. I get that she's your
sister, so there are sides here.

But that is an oversimplification.

Maggie will rise and rise and rise,

and she will go on to
do even greater things,

and you will always be in her shadow.

And she may go on to
forgive your smallness,

because that is how
great she is, but I'm not.

I won't.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪

If you need anything to make sure

that Dr. Bailey is covered at
all times, just say the word.

Thank you.

Chief Altman, I wanted to apologize

for attacking that patient.

I know there are protocols
in these situations...

The patient wasn't att*cked.

He fell while he was
attacking Dr. Bailey.

- Um...
- That is the story as I heard it.

- So this won't go in my file somewhere?
- I'm confused.

Did something happen between
you and the abusive patient?

If so, I know nothing about it.

- Is that him? Is that him?
- Yes.

But, Warren, listen to me.

We both know that that
won't help either of you, OK?

That intern over there, he's the one
who took the bastard down.

Why don't you put this manic
energy to better use and go

over there and thank him?

- Fine.
- OK, great.

But if you wouldn't
mind telling the bastard

that Dr. Bailey's husband
is a firefighter who breaks

into houses with his a* for a living,

and I'm going to find out where
he lives, I'd appreciate it.

OK, I got it. I got it. Thank you.

Yasuda, slowly retract
to help expose the dura.

- I need better visualization.
- Retractor.

[CLATTERS]
- Yasuda.

I'm so sorry. I don't
know what happened.

I'll tell you what happened.

You were not paying attention,
and our last sterile retractor

- is on the floor. Pick it up...
- OK.

- And get out of my OR.
- Is that really necessary?

We can get a replacement in one minute.

- Do you want to be kicked out too?
- I really am so sorry.

- It won't happen again.
- Not with me, it won't.

You are no longer welcome on my service.

Out!

- Is he...
- He's doing great.

Dr. Shepherd successfully removed
the b*llet from his spine.

She's finishing up, and
then Dr. Ndugu will start

on the fragments in his lung.

OK.

- That's good, right?
- Very good.

OK.

[SOBS] I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- No. No apologies.

It'll be a few hours if you want

to go home and get some sleep.

You know, he never told
me what happened that day.

We were newlyweds, and he calls
me from the hospital saying

he was grocery shopping
and a guy comes in

and just opens fire.

And that's all he ever said.

He didn't want to talk about
it, he didn't want to feel it.

But I knew he did, because we
were planning on having kids.

And then after that day, we weren't.

[SOBS]

I've tried so many times
to talk to him about it,

because, how can somewhat live with all

that trauma inside of them?

I always worried that...
it was eating away

at him emotionally, you know?

I never thought that it could
be k*lling him slowly, physically.

We're going to make sure
that does not happen.

Sorry.

I know you're busy.

- Go. Go, go.
- It's OK. I have a few minutes.

Thank you.

[RADIO CHATTER]

Hey.

Hot chocolate. Figured you
could use some good juju.

[GRUNTS]

If you wanted something else,
you could have just said so.

[GROANS] Thought that
would make me feel better.

OK. Come on. Yell at me.
Pretend I'm him or them.

All... of them. What do you want to

- say? Yell it at me.
- No, I'm not...

Miranda, he knew your
daughter's full name.

He knew my daughter's full name.

He threatened my child.

You... you would hurt
a four-year-old girl

in the name of life?

As if you give two craps
about life or about children

or about the welfare of
any other human other than

your own self-righteous...

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I mean, as if you
actually cared about making

the world a better place.

As if... as if you listen to anything

your own religion tells you.

But you would hurt a child...

My child... for what?
Just to prove a point?

And then you have the nerve
to call yourself pro-life?

Well, shame on you.

No, you are what is wrong in this world.

Not me, not my family, not
my child, you sick son of a...

No. No.

Because my mother used to say,
"k*ll 'em with kindness, Miranda."

[GROANS] I just wish that I could

k*ll them with the truth.

Maybe there's a way we can do both.

He was a huge guy, and I...

I should have been scared,
but all I could think about

- was saving Bailey.
- You're so brave.

Look at her.
She's practically salivating.

And over Kwan? Yeesh.

- You jealous?
- No.

Hmm, kind of seems like you are.

I'm embarrassed for her.

It's not a character flaw
to want to be with somebody.

Are we still talking about me,
or are we talking about you now?

- [SIGHS]
- [GASPING]

[ALARMS BEEPING]

We lost his airway.

- Code blue!
- We'll get him on oxygen.

Come on, man. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Code blue. Code blue.
- [HEART MONITOR DRONING]

No pulse.

We need to intubate him now. Start CPR.

All right. Starting
cardiac compressions.

All right.

Code blue. Code blue.

There's too much swelling.
I can't visualize the cords.

- We need to crike him.
- We're interns.

We have to wait for Dr. Schmitt.

Page Dr. Schmitt. Page everyone.

I can't do this. I
can't watch him die.

- We'll be fired!
- You can leave if you want to.

- I'm saving his life.
- Code blue. Code blue.

There's a crike tray in the drawer.

[TENSE MUSIC]

All right, but wait.
We should put an IV bag

underneath his shoulder blades.
I saw Dr. Hunt do it.

It'll open up his neck.

Code blue. Code blue.

♪

Does anybody see Dr. Schmitt?

- OK, let's do it.
- Just don't k*ll him.

♪

Thank you, Dr. Shepherd. We'll
update you when we're finished.

[SIGHS]

She's angry that my wife left me.

Doesn't seem quite fair.

When Amelia is angry,
she is rarely fair.

Yeah.

All right, Griffith.

Talk me through this. What's the move?

Use the cautery to demarcate the line,

and then pass over it
with the GIA stapler.

Good.

- Now show me.
- You want me to do it?

With all due respect, are you sure?
Dr. Pierce always said that...

Dr. Pierce doesn't work here
anymore, and I think you're ready.

♪

GIA stapler.

♪

Position the stapler, and fire it.

[STAPLER CLICKING]

- Uh, the edge is bleeding.
- OK. How do you stop it?

♪

Ndugu, there are multiple bleeders.
Maybe you should take over now.

Hunt, kindly back off.
Griffith, listen to me.

If you stop now, the
next time this happens,

you'll panic even more.

You can do this, all right?
I know you can. Just focus.

Take a deep breath and think.

- vicryl on a pass, stat.

Forceps.

♪

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

- Sutures are holding.
- Well done. Let's proceed.

Is he going to be OK?

When something goes wrong,
your job is to page me and do

nothing until I get there.

I paged code blue,
but he was dying, so...

Is he OK?

I need to be sure that you
understand that if he doesn't

make it, your career is over.

All that training for nothing.

All you had to do was wait two minutes.

He didn't have two minutes.

If Adams hadn't stepped
in he would be in a coma

right now or worse.

It's tough enough to pay back
student loans when you are a doctor.

When they pull your
license because you sliced

a patient's neck with no
one there to supervise you,

it's way harder.

You did the crike well.

You saved his life.

- I'm admitting him to the ICU.
- Oh, thank god.

Oh my god.

That fear you're feeling?

Remember it next time and wait.

[EXHALES]

Um, thanks for sticking up for me.

Well, we couldn't let him
die without declaring his love

for a fictional character.

What's your deal?

Are you really just, like, anti-love?

I went to med school in Colorado.

I had a crush on a guy in O-chem,

and that's where he was going.

My mom encouraged me,
because according to her

love is not only everything,
it is the only thing.

And first semester, I
failed gross anatomy,

because I was at his birthday party

instead of studying for my final...

His birthday party
where he called me Jane

and then made out with my best friend

at the end of the night.

My grades recovered, but surgical
internships are so competitive.

That's why I'm in the program
for rejects and losers.

Because my parents taught me to value

an obsessive crush over my grades
and my medical school aspirations.

Have you ever thought that maybe there's

a difference between a
stupid, obsessive crush

and actual love?

You sound exactly like my mother.

[GROANS]

Oh, hey.

You will not believe what I
have been dealing with today.

You OK?

[SCOFFS] We removed,
uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

b*llet fragments from a
mass sh**ting survivor today.

And while we were in the OR,
there were two more sh**t.

[SIGHS]

I... I don't recognize
our country anymore.

Weapons of w*r in grocery stores,

at parades and schools, active
sh**t drills in third grade.

We used to be horrified, you know?
We used to grieve as a nation.

But now... now it happens so frequently,

we don't even blink.
And nothing changes.

[SCOFFS] And I feel hopeless.

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Hey.

So I have an idea.

You're either going
to love it or hate it.

Dr. Shepherd, I just want
to reiterate how sorry I am.

You lost focus while I had
my hands inside a man's back.

He is the one that you
should be apologizing to.

He is the one who trusted
you while he was unconscious

on an operating table.

You don't let yourself
get distracted when

people are depending on you.

When they are vulnerable and scared,

that is when you give them
everything that you've got.

That is when you stay
alert long enough not

to drop a sharp metal object
while someone's spine is exposed.

I... I didn't drop it in him...

I'm sorry, you're defending yourself?
What is wrong with you?

I'm really asking. Yasuda,
what is wrong with you?

- Do I really need to answer that?
- No, you don't, Yasuda.

You can go. You, come with me.

- Addie?
- Richard. Uh, yeah.

I'll find you later, OK?

Are you high?

- No.
- Is that the truth?

No, I'm not high.

- Are you using again?
- No. I can't sleep, I... I can't eat.

- I am a wreck. I am not using. God.
- OK, great.

Then I'm going to go ahead
and love you enough to tell you

to pull your head out
of your self-obsessed ass

and get to an AA meeting,
because the world is already on fire.

We don't need you burning
anything else down, all right?

And I know you're in
pain, and I know that you

feel it more than most.

But... get to a meeting,
say a damn prayer,

call your sponsor, then eat
something and figure out a way

to be of service
to this... broken world,

instead of adding to everyone's pain.

Because it starts with you
trashing everybody else,

and it ends with you back in
rehab again, if you're lucky.

No one has abandoned you, Amelia, OK?

Everyone is just doing
the best that they can.

I love you, and everyone
else is just barely surviving,

and it has nothing to do with you.

I love you, and you
need to make the decision

to stop the spiral.

And if you can't do it,
you need to find someone,

get someone to help you stop it.

I love you, Amelia.

And... you've got to
get off the damn ride

before it's too late.

I know that we've all been
worried about Dr. Bailey.

What she is going through
is frightening and invasive,

and how it's not against
the law is beyond me.

What I do know is that it
is easier to hurt a stranger

than someone you know.

Dr. Kwan is handing out
lists of Dr. Bailey's

most frequent callers.

If you're wondering what
you can do, call them.

Talk to them.

Be respectful, be kind.

Be familiar.

And maybe they will
think twice about picking

up that phone again.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Dr. Bailey would like you to know
she's praying for you too.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Talks about revolution ♪

But even though she disagrees with you,

Dr. Bailey respects your beliefs.

I'm a better surgeon because
Dr. Bailey is my teacher.

Well, you know, when I
see Dr. Bailey in the ER,

I feel better, because I know
my patient is in good hands.

And, Linda, the clinic she founded

is for so much more than abortion.

We deliver babies there.

I'm sorry it freaks you out, but how

- do you think Dr. Bailey feels?
- Your prayers have been received.

And we are praying for you as well.

Dr. Bailey loves her family
and wants to keep them safe,

which I'm sure you can understand.

Above all else, Dr. Bailey
is an incredible person,

and I am privileged
to call her my friend.

This is Dr. Winston Ndugu
calling from Grey Sloan.

Colleague of Dr. Miranda Bailey's.

I understand you were
trying to get ahold of her.

We wish you and your family well.

All right. Take care.

♪ Watching the world
wake up from history ♪

How are you feeling?

Better.

A little bit better.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Can I help you?

I... I'm looking for, um...

This is going to sound so weird.

I don't know his name.

Would you happen to be Princess Astrid?

He talked about me?

He's sedated right now.

But when he wakes up, I'm sure he'll be

very happy to see you.

[MARCUS MUMFORD'S "HOW"]

♪ I had wondered
what was done to you ♪

♪ To give you such
a taste for flesh ♪

♪

[SIGHS]

♪

- Are they all gone?
- We got every last piece.

♪

You did great, Russell.

♪ Didn't feel much of a choice ♪

Russell, you OK?

I didn't realize how much I hated
having those b*ll*ts inside of me.

And now they're gone.

♪

They're finally gone.

Baby.

♪ Hope your memory is
less vivid than mine ♪

[SOBBING]

♪ And is free from
that awful maple light ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Speaking.

♪ Just done it in the dark ♪

♪ So the pictures
didn't burn so bright ♪

OK. Thank you.

♪

♪ But I forgive you now ♪

Excuse me.

Sorry.

♪ Release you from
all of the blame ♪

- Link!
- What happened?

She's OK. Luna's OK.

She's... she's healthy,
and she doesn't have

tumors or cancer or anything.

- So it's just isolated hearing loss?
- Yeah.

And the technology's come a long way,

and we can learn sign language.

And you did learn sign language,

because you're so wonderful.

And I... I was an ass, and I'm so sorry.

- [GRUNTS]
- [LAUGHS]

I did a stapled lung resection today.

Whoa, are you serious?

It was terrifying and
also the coolest thing I've

ever done in my entire life.

OK, I hate you right now.

- But congratulations.
- Thanks.

I, um, did an emergency crike today.

It was pretty badass.

- What?
- Yeah.

Why didn't you open with
that? Did you get in trouble?

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- That's Trey.

I got to call him, but
don't forget anything.

I want a full play-by-play
when I get home.

I need you to be Simone's maid of honor.

No, thank you.

I'll do all your scut until the wedding.

- Even my disimpactions?
- Yes.

You must really love her.

You sound just like your mom.

Hey.

I haven't been to this
bar, so if it's bad...

[LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC]

♪

MEREDITH: Dramatic
events are turning points.

There's a before and an after.

♪ It might all fall apart ♪

♪ Built this house on quicksand ♪

MEREDITH: Sometimes
it's hard to remember

who you were before.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Come in.
- Hey, do you have a minute?

- One. I'm about to run out the door.
- OK, I'll be quick.

I just wanted to make sure I'm
being considered for chief of cardio.

I have a sterling record,
and I'm committed to teaching.

I think I'd be good at it. I want it.

- I'll take it into consideration.
- All right. Thank you.

Yeah.

Helm. What are you doing here?

When I b*rned out,
nobody stood up for me.

So I'm standing up for Yasuda.

Because if she can't afford
to pay her student loans

and also eat and live while she's

learning how to save
lives, there is something

wrong with the system.

And I know... I know it's
been broken for a long time,

but that is not a reason not to fix it.

And you're chief of surgery.
So hey, congratulations, it is your job

to figure out how to
support your interns instead

of using and abusing
them and then throwing

them out with the trash.

♪ Please please ♪

MEREDITH: And it's even
harder to figure out

who you are after.

Well, so far, so good.

I mean, Chicago is freezing.

It is no joke. But, um,
the lab is incredible.

Well, that's good.
Are you making friends?

Yeah, everybody's been
pretty nice so far.

And is your apartment good?

Oh, I have floor-to-ceiling
windows with a lake view.

Honestly, I think everybody complains

about the weather to keep
the real estate a secret.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, Maggie, I got to go.

It looks like your sister
might need a friend.

- Thank you for looking out for her.
- Yeah.

Dr. Shepherd?

♪

♪ You keep holding on ♪

I am also in an alcoholic,
self-obsessive spiral

about abandonment, and I
could really use a meeting.

♪ Let me exhale ♪

[EXHALES]

MEREDITH: But if you
look for your people

and hold them close...

I still can't believe you
drove all the way out here

for one day when you could
have had everything you

needed shipped right to you.

♪

Were you doing a wellness check on me?

What, do you think I
could stay away when

you're going through hell?

No way. We're in this together.

♪ You exhale ♪

♪ You exhale ♪

"This should keep you in business
for a while. Keep fighting. Yang."

♪

All right. Let's load her up, then.

♪ Let me exhale ♪

MEREDITH: You will find your way again.

Ahh.

All righty.