04x03 - Nell's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

["♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪ ,…]



♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


(Phone ringing)


(Phone ringing continues)


- Hello.


Oh, hello, carl.


How are ya?


Well, I don't wanna talk to you either.


- I'll talk to him.


- He doesn't wanna talk to you either.


He's calling to wish nell a happy birthday.


- I can't believe it.


As busy as he is in england, he remembered to call


Nell on her birthday.


- Hang on, carl, I hear her coming.


- Anyone seen my keys?


- Nell, carl's calling to wish you a happy birthday.


- Whoa!


I thought I told everybody not to mention those two words.


First of all, they don't go together.


There is nothing happy about a birthday.


- She's coming, carl, hang on.


- I don't know why you're so uptight.


You're going out with addy wilson for your birthday.


- There, you said it again.


Go to your room!


- But you are going out.


- But not to celebrate that ugly word.


We're going to talk about the caribbean cruise


We're gonna take.


- Uh, she's just coming through the door, carl.


Hang on.


Nell, the man got up at in the morning to call you.


It's eight hours later in england.


- See?


In england, I'm already an old lady.


- She's right here, carl, she can't wait to talk to you.


- I got 'em.


- Nell, say something to carl, for heaven's sake,


On your birthday.


- Good-bye.


- Oh, nell, cheer up, it's your birthday.


- Oh, addy, look at those kids.


They're having such fun and they're young.


Oh, I hate 'em.


- Would you stop it?


Now, look, it's not the end of the world.


You're only .


Nell, you are being silly.


- I'm not being silly, addy.


I'm getting old.


- Oh, you are not.


- Oh, yes, I am.


- You are not! - Yes, I am!


- Well, I did notice a few wrinkles around those eyes.


If you really wanna talk--


- Now, whoa, now, hold on, sister, honey.


If I'm getting old, so are you.


You'll be in two months.


- I will?


I forgot, I feel so young.


- Well, you don't look young.


- You know, you are worrying over nothing.


I mean, everyone knows that women get


More attractive as they get older.


Look at lena horne.


- Lena horne does not shop at pick 'n save.


- ♪ We wish you a happy birthday we wish you... ♪


- Addy!


♪ ...a happy birthday we wish you a happy birthday ♪


♪ Happy birthday to you ♪


(All applauding)


- You can come out now.


It's for the kid at the next table.


Oh, isn't it cute? She's .


(Addy gasping)


- You better not get me a cake.


I told you I didn't want to make a fuss about my birthday.


- I know, I know.


You haven't stopped talking about it all year.


Look, I'm gonna go powder my nose.


- You wanna come? - No.


- When you're , you don't wanna look in a mirror.


- A little more coffee, mama?


- Why are you calling me "mama"?!


- Because you are a fine-looking mama.


- Get out of here.



Well, all right, just a little.


- You know, if you'd like a little trivia,


I get off work at .


- You better watch it before you get me arrested for


Robbing the cradle.


- Oh, so you think I'm too young for you.


- Well, maybe just a little.


- Look, I'm , sweetheart, how old are you?


- .


- I'll see you at .


- Hello, addy.


- What happened to you?


- I think I just found out how lena horne feels.


- Well, it's about time you got in a good mood.


Let's talk about... The cruise.


(Nell squealing)


- The cruise.


Oh, girl, I cannot wait.


The romance of being on the open sea,


The ocean breeze,


The moon casting shadows on the deck,


While down below, men stoking the furnace,


Sweat glistening all over their muscular bodies.


- Not quite.


You see, on this boat, down below is one panamanian


In a white suit running the ship by a computer.


- Does he dance?


(Both laughing)


- ♪ We wish you a happy birthday ♪


- Addy! - ♪ We wish you a happy...


- ♪ ...birthday we wish you - addy!


♪ ...a happy birthday 'cause you're ♪♪


- You told me you were .


- You told me the salmon was fresh.


- Yeah, I'm working late tonight.


- Well, don't be a party pooper.


Blow it out and make a wish.


- (Nell blowing) - (addy giggling)


- Did your wish come true?


- No, I didn't have enough guts to throw this cake in your face.


- Nell, you're making a big deal out of nothing.


You know, when I told the girls in the ladies' room


That we were spending your rd birthday together,


They thought it was the sweetest thing in the world.


- The girls in the ladies' room?


Is there anyone in glenlawn who doesn't know how old I am?!


Why don't you just get up on the stage


And announce it in the microphone?


- Cut the cake and let's talk about the cruise.


Listen to this.


(Addy giggling)


"Sunrise cruise presents seven star-filled nights


Dancing 'til dawn aboard the ss desperado."


Ooh...


"A week of fun for singles, to ."


Doesn't that sound exciting?!


- ? - Yes.


- ? - Yes.


- Addy, why didn't you tell me?


I'm , I can't go.


- Well, of course you can.


We'll just have to lie about your age.


- I'm not going to lie about my age.


I have never lied about my age.


Shut up!


- Well, if you won't sign up for the sunrise cruise,


Then you'll have to sign up for the-- the sunset cruise.


Oh.


" To .


"Six medically supervised days


"Aboard the ss va hull, with low-salt dining


And dancing 'til dark."


- Let me see that.


Why would they make the cutoff?


- Because they don't want old people spoiling our fun.


- Thank you.


You just gave me the guts.


- Oh, calm down! - I am calm!


- You've just given me the worst birthday of my life.


At least my family listens to me.


I tell them to forget my birthday and they respect that.


(All) - surprise!


Happy birthday!


- You promised.


Simpson, what are you doing?


- Taking pictures.


You're gonna love 'em, nell.


I'm the official police photographer.


I take great mug sh*ts.


(Nell mumbling)


- Stop it!


- Could I just get a profile up against the wall?


- Simpson, I don't want my picture taken


And I don't want a birthday party.


You guys promised me.


- We didn't really promise.


- Oh, liar, liar, pants on fire.


- Oh, nell, come on.


The kids went to a lot of trouble.


- Aunt nell, I got you a present.



Please open it... Please.


- Oh, all right.


"Happy birthday to my favorite person in the whole world."


And "whole" is spelled h-o-l-e.


Oh, will ya look?


On the back it's a recipe for peanut butter cookies.


- I figured it's something you wouldn't buy for yourself.


- Oh, you're something else.


I love you.


- Nell, now, the chief said open his first.


- Why? - Huh?


- Read the card, nell, it's very poetic.


- Okay.


"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."


The chief must've run into addy in the powder room.


- Come on, nell, open it up, quick.


(Nell sighing)


- Beautiful.


- Here, nell, I'll show you how it works.


- I know how it works, simpson.


- Well, not this one.


It's got steam and spray and starch and everything.


I filled it up, it's all ready to go.


- ♪ We wish you a happy birthday ♪


(Nell) - guys!


- ♪ We wish you a happy birthday ♪


♪ We wish you a happy birthday ♪


♪ Happy birthday to you ♪


- Well, blow 'em out.


- Blow 'em out?


They don't have that many candles in the vatican.


(Iron hissing)


I'm sorry.


I'm getting old and I hate it.


Oh, well... I shouldn't complain.


I've lived a good life.


(Piano playing)


♪ Memories


♪ All alone in the moonlight ♪


♪ I can smile at the old days ♪


♪ I was beautiful then ♪


(Dissonant piano chord playing)


- Uh, nell. - What?


- We have something for you


To show you how much we love you.


- I thought I told you not to get me anything.


- I think you're gonna like this.


- Yeah, it was julie's idea.


- Let me guess.


It's a gift certificate for a ten-gallon can of geritol.


- I'll split it with you.


- My birth certificate.


- Read it, and read it out loud.


- Where in the world did you kids get this?


- In the smithsonian.


(Sam) - come on, nell, read it.


Read it.


- "Nell ruth harper.


"Tuscaloosa county hospital.


October th, ."


- ' .


- .


- No, see, we were born in .


That's why we'll be this year.


- Addy, I'm standing here with my birth certificate in my hand


And it says .


- Let me see that.


It's a lie.


- The state of alabama never lies.


- No, no.


See, this can't be true, because if this is true,


Then that means today you are .


- Addy, addy, addy, addy.


It's not important how old I am.


What is important is that I am ten months,


Three weeks, and two days younger than you.


Why is everybody standing around?! Cut the cake! Get the ice cream!


Today is the first day of the rest of my life!


Hey!


♪ Celebrate good times, come on ♪


♪ Doo doo doo doo


♪ Doo doo doo doo


♪ Hey


♪ Celebration time, come on ♪


♪ Doo doo doo doo


♪ Doo doo doo doo


You know, I'm still not sure I'm buying this.


This is crazy.


I know.


And yet there's something so right about it.


It's cake time!


♪ I scream, you scream we all scream for ice cream ♪


I used to say that when I was a kid.


I still am. [ Laughs ]


Oh, boy, I'm !


Boy, look at nell.


Found out she's a year younger.


She's a new person.


Nell, I don't understand.


How could you be wrong about your age all these years?



Yeah, you'd think your mother would have told you.


Yeah.


Why wouldn't ma--


Ah.


Now I remember. It's coming back to me.


My first lunchbox.


You remember your first lunchbox?


Oh, yeah.


It was shaped like a little red schoolhouse


With little red windows and a little red chimney,


And a little white teacher in the door.


I remember 'cause mama painted her face black.


Nell, what has that got to do with your birth certificate?


Don't you see?


Mama always thought I was bright for my age


So she enrolled me in school when I was


But told them I was .


But didn't anyone notice how small you were for ?


I was tall for .


I'm short for .


Uh, nell, now that you're a year younger,


That means you actually got married when you were --


Oh, much too young.


Oh, too young.


That means you started dating when you were --


[ Chuckling ] just a baby.


Just a baby.


That means you started fooling around when you were only --


That reminds me, I'm gonna have to call my first love.


Good ol' charlie johnson.


It's a good thing he didn't get arrested.


Well, how far did you go with him?


Louisville.


Addy, we're gonna have to sign up for that cruise


Because if you miss it this year,


By the time it comes around again,


You're gonna have to lie about your age, honey.


Thank you, girls, joey.


Good night, grandpa, simpson.


And, nell, I just want you to know,


This is the worst birthday party I've ever been to.


I loved it!


Boy, these tv crossword puzzles are really tough.


What do you need?


"A once-popular variety-show host -- ed...blank."


Katie.


Oh, yeah! Mister ed.


[ Doorbell rings ]


One of you girls get that?


"Tv character in a long-running sci-fi series with funny ears."


Lassie.


Oh, too many letters.


Hi, sam. I came back here to see nell.


Oh, she's in the kitchen


Making peanut-butter cookies with joey.


Would you ask her to come out here?


I have something to say to her --


And the two of you.


Nell, addy's here!


With a chip on her shoulder!


Girls, go and get some cookies before joey eats them all.


Hello, addy.


I do hope that you're in a better mood.


No.


I am furious.


Furious with myself.


Addy, addy, addy, addy.


It's not your fault that I'm younger than you are.


It's your mama's fault.


She should have had you when my mama had me.


The reason I'm furious


Is because I've allowed this to upset me.


So you're younger than I am. So what?


I mean, why should I let that bother me?


Look at shirley macclaine.


Doesn't bother her that she turned .


She'll have to lie like hell to get on that cruise.


There!


You see? They're the ones.


They're the cause of this obsession


We american women have with youth.


Those two?


Men!


See, they pigeonhole us.


They try to make us believe


That we're the stereotypical women they've created --


Afraid of growing older.


And I am furious


Because I fell into their sophisticated, sexist trap.


I am so stupid.


I mean, I find out my best friend


Is a year younger than I am, and what do I do?


I punish myself because suddenly I feel older.


That's dumb.


I mean, I am the same age I was when I woke up this morning.


I'm not.


And I'm happy that you're not.


Because I'm a better person for this.


I mean, I appreciate what I am.


I am proud to be almost , and I want you to know --



I want the world to know --


That never again will adelaide wilson


Be envious of nellie ruth harper


Just because she's a year younger than I am.


[ Chuckles ]


I am going for a cookie.


You know, for her age, she has a marvelous body...


And not a sincere bone in it.


So don't you kids worry.


Nell and I are closer than we've ever been.


That's great,


'Cause you're such a good friend to her.


Yeah, we were feeling guilty.


Guilty?


Well, it was our gift that caused all the trouble.


Well, don't feel that way.


Besides, look at how happy you girls made nell.


Well, I helped, too. They used my eraser.


Joey! Joey!


Eraser?


Well, now that she doesn't care anymore, let's tell her.


Okay.


We changed the date on her birth certificate


From to .


She was so upset about getting older,


We couldn't stand it.


Yeah, we wanted to make her feel younger,


So we gave her an extra year for her birthday.


Oh.


Oh, you kids.


You know what?


That is the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful, loving gift


Anyone could give anyone.


Oh, nell.


I was proud of you when addy told you about your birth certificate.


Yeah.


You picked up the bowl of guacamole,


But you never threw it at her.


And I loved that crazy story you made up


About that little red schoolhouse


And your mother lying about your age.


I bought it.


The story is true, but it didn't happen to me.


It happened to my rotten little sister, loretta.


She's the one who started school a year early.


Then your sister's actually a year younger


Than she thinks she is.


Mm-hmm.


And if you ever tell her, I'll k*ll you.


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break