04x04 - Grandpa's Secret Life

[bunniefuu]

["♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪



♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


Good morning, gertrude.


Breakfast... Seaweed over easy.


Hey!


♪ Eat it


♪ Eat it


♪ Get yourself an egg and b*at it ♪


Whoa.


Hey.


Grandpapa, wake up and go to sleep.


Huh?


If you're this tired, why don't you just go to bed?


Oh, no, no, no.


As soon as my head hits the pillow,


I'll get another phone call from that crank.


Did he call again?


This morning.


Yeah, and what do you think he said?


[ Speaks polish ]


What does that mean?


In polish that means, "did I wake you up?"


At in the morning? Oh, honey, don't worry.


I'll get the phone changed,


And we'll never hear from that nut again.


[ Speaks indistinctly ]


Wait. Wait. Are you sure this is house?


This is the house.


You sure this is house?


Yes, papa, I am sure this is house.


Then put smile on your face.


I am smiling.


A daughter talks to her father that way --


You have no respect, no respect.


That's the trouble with you young kids.


Papa, please, let's go back to the hotel.


After what that man did to you?


Papa, you're years old.


Don't you ever get tired?


Never. Hate keeps me going.


Must be home. [ Doorbell rings ]


Well, a shrimp cocktail would keep me going.


Papa, I helped you find the house.


Now I want to go back to the hotel.


I want to go back to the hotel!


All right, go. Go.


Go? Go! Go!


Drive me crazy!


That's what you do! You drive me crazy!


What is all this shouting about?


Why shouldn't I shout?


It is gorgeous day. I see beautiful woman like you.


What else to do but shout?


It is gorgeous day!


She's beautiful woman!


Thank you for asking me to come in.


Thank you very much.


Wait a minute.


Just who are you, and what are you doing in my living room?


Allow me to introduce myself.


I am leopold jablonsky.


I'm looking for stanley kanisky.


I was the gentleman that called earlier.


Oh, I wouldn't call that "earlier."


In the morning?


Nell, I'm going upstairs to take a nap,


And if that nut calls again, tell him I d*ed.


Who's this?


That nut.


Grandpapa, I'd like you to meet leopold jablonsky.


Leopold, this is the late stanley kanisky.


How do you do?


I bring greetings.


I bring for you a polish pickle from plonsk.


A -- a pickle from plonsk?


Yes, a pickle from pl--


[ Laughs ]


You can't wait, can you?


No.


Here it is, a polish pickle from plonsk.


Are you from plonsk?


No. Omaha.


But most of the original jablonskys


Were original plonskniks.


[ Chuckles ]


I haven't had a pickle from plonsk since I left plock.


And they say black people talk funny.



You know, I can taste that pickle already.


Grandpapa, this is the man that's been waking you up


In the middle of the night.


Are you going to forget that for a piece of pickle?


Just a minute.


You are not talking to some peasant from plonsk.


I'm aristocrat.


[ Speaks polish ]


[ Laughs ]


[ Laughs ]


What I just said,


In polish that means, "a pig only has one skin


But many knuckles."


We say that all the time in alabama.


Really? Mm-hmm.


And then we eat the pig.


[ Indistinct arguing ]


Sorry.


We didn't know we had company.


Leopold, allow me to present my granddaughters,


Katie, julie, and samantha.


Perfect polish names.


And you already met nell harper.


Nell is in charge of our family.


Oh, she's in charge of the family.


Well, good. And you -- what about your wife?


I am a widower.


A widower? [ Laughs ]


That's terrible tragedy. [ Laughs ]


Look -- I suggest you all sit around couch here, take seat.


The girls here --


Bushka, bushka, potchka, and swatch, whatever.


Sit down, and I will explain


And tell you what this is all about.


Is this gonna be in english or in polish?


Not sure. Half and half.


Sit down.


Now, let me see how I should start.


Let me see.


America has been very good to me.


And I might add


That I have been very good to america --


My taxes alone.


Anyway, one morning I woke up,


It struck me that I should sit down and write my memoirs.


But having no family, I didn't know what to do,


So here is what I figured to do --


To interview the people that came over with me


On the boat originally from poland.


Hold my hand, dear.


This is gonna get very emotional.


Just how old are you?


.


Well, in that case, you get as emotional as you want.


It could be his last emotion.


Pardon me. I want to ask you something.


Are you the stanley kanisky


That came over on the steamship krakow


In may of ?


I am indeed.


Oh, how could I ever forget that trip?


When we first saw, at nightfall,


The lights shining from the statue of liberty --


Glorious!


Oh, what a night that was. We had singing, dancing.


You did more than dancing that night,


You little paskudnyak, you.


How about the hanky-panky?


Oh, no. I don't think we should talk about that now.


You ain't getting off this boat till you do.


Well, you see, there was this lovely girl


Sitting on deck in the moonlight.


Not a word passed between us,


But that night was pure magic.


Forget the magic. Get to the nitty-gritty. Come on.


Well, if you must know, the nitty was very gritty.


Oh, to think that was years ago.


Oh, she was so beautiful, so young.


Oh, this is so romantic. How young was she?


.


?


? I'm .


I love this story, grandpa. It's so earthy.


Well, things weren't the same back then.


A girl at was a woman. They worked in the fields.


They were big. They were strong.


When a girl gave you a hug,


You took your life in your hands.


Uh, girls, I think it's time you got off the boat


And went in the kitchen.


Oh, come on, nell --


I want you to fix some sandwiches for our guest.


Get out of here.


Okay, okay.


But we've got a lot to talk about later, grandpa.


. Wow. I'm a woman.


Stanley, I'm little curious.


This girl that you had this brief encounter with --


Did you ever see her again?


Well, I tried, but when we landed on ellis island,



We got separated, you see.


Oh, separated.


Well, uh, mr. Kanisky,


Can you tell me if you remember if her name was katrina?


Katrina.


Y-yes! Katrina! How did you know?


I'm katrina's father.


I thought you said you didn't have any family.


[ Chuckles ]


I lied.


What about your memoirs?


Also a lie.


And interviewing all those people?


[ Laughing ] boy, was that a lie.


But why do you lie about everything?


I'm good at it.


Now, forget about the lies.


Let's talk about the truth.


You, stanley kanisky -- you think --


[ Groans ]


Here, help me.


You're not strong, either, huh?


I got it. I am up.


Stanley kanisky, there is going to be a wedding.


You are going to take my daughter's hand in marriage!


Whoa! What do you mean "whoa"?


Now, wait a minute, grandpapa's not gonna marry


A woman he hasn't seen in over years.


You can just forget about a wedding.


[ Gasps ]


I'll call the caterer.


{,…}


It's all your fault, you dirty old man.


But that was over years ago. He was only .


You're supposed to be dirty at .


Please.


Huh?


Stop pointing that g*n and let's talk, mr. Jablonsky.


No. Leopold.


No!


Leo?


Leo.


If I give you g*n,


Will he promise to marry my daughter?


Yes.


All right. Take g*n.


It was beginning to hurt my finger anyway.


Now, come on. Come on.


What do you want?


Just sit down. Sit down. Sit down.


Sit down, and let's talk.


What's to talk? There's going to be a wedding.


No, there isn't. I lied.


You mean you don't want him to marry into a business


That does $ million a year?


$ Million?


Another lie.


Do you -- do you --


Do you --


You're strong. You're strong.


Don't call me liar!


Don't call --


Don't call jablonsky liar, not me,


Not the prince of pickles.


You're that jablonsky?


Listen, leopold -- stanley kanisky is not for sale.


Right, grandpapa?


Absolutely.


Does your daughter still have


That cute little way of tossing her hair back?


Not quite.


She has a bit of arthritis.


But on a warm day --


Oh, forget it.


Grandpapa, I don't like what you're thinking.


Don't you worry what he's thinking.


If I take you into my business,


You are partners of my business.


But you got to start from the bottom of the pickle barrel.


That's funny.


Start from the bottom of the pickle barrel.


You get it? The pickle barrel.


I don't know. The boys at the plant love it.


I love it, too, dad.


Katrina listen -- I have had shrimp cocktails


In the finest hotels in this country.


I know a shrimp cocktail when I see one.


Hello?


What, four little, bitty shrimp?


You call that a shrimp cocktail?


Well, I say either this is one chinchy establishment,


Or else your waiter knocked off a couple on the way up.


Hi.


Hi. Do I know you?


No, but you will. I'm your maid of honor.


My maid of honor?


You are katrina, aren't you?


Yes.


Oh, that's good. I'm nell harper.


I came to talk to you about stanley kanisky.



Oh. Don't tell me papa finally found the right one.


I'm afraid so.


There's something I have to tell you about stanley kanisky.


Oh. What is it?


He's gay.


At our age, what's the difference?


I lied.


Oh, I thought so, because stanley loved women.


All the girls on the ship


Were crazy about his flashing eyes.


But I was the only one he flashed at.


Oh, well, now he wears bifocals over those flashing eyes,


And they flash in two different directions.


Katrina, honey, you don't want to marry stanley.


No, I don't.


You don't?


Oh, no, I don't want this marriage


Any more than stanley does.


Let's go tell your father. It would do no good.


I'm afraid my papa has this crazy sense about family honor.


All the jablonskys have it.


Even my papa's papa still has it.


Your papa is .


Mm-hmm.


Your papa's papa is still alive?


Mm-hmm.


People say it's something in the pickles.


Katrina, listen --


We've got to talk your father out of this.


No, I can't. I can't. I'm scared of papa.


Look, don't let him push you around.


You're over --


You're over .


It makes no difference.


My papa has always treated me like his little girl.


He still calls me his little dumpling.


Can you imagine? He spoils me like I was a baby.


Then why don't you stand up to him?


I like it.


Listen, katrina, you're gonna go back to the house with me,


And you're gonna stand up to your father


And tell him this wedding is off.


I would really love to,


But you see, I tried standing up to my father once,


On my th birthday, and, oh, it was awful.


What did he do?


He sent me to bed without my shrimp cocktail.


Come on. You're gonna be okay.


You're gonna stand up to him, and you're gonna be strong.


No, I changed my mind.


Katrina! No, I don't want to!


[ Whimpering ]


Good. Good.


I want this to be the best,


Most beautiful polish wedding.


Oh, oh, I'll call you back.


Katrina, my dumpling!


Leopold, the wedding is off.


Your dumpling's a woman that can make her own decisions.


Go tell him, katrina.


Papa --


Go back to hotel immediately.


Yes, papa.


Don't you let him push you around.


Yes, nell.


Well, we're all settled.


After the wedding, we'll honeymoon on my yacht


And then tool around the greek isles.


Who's that?


That's the lady you're going to be tooling around with.


Katrina.


Katrina, why, you're just as I remembered you.


She still has her own upper teeth.


You see, I think --


Katrina, my love,


I can still see you sitting there in the moonlight


With that yellow babushka around your head.


It was blue, and we were standing.


Ah, yes, I remember so well.


You were a vision sitting there in the moonlight.


The fog was thick as pea soup.


Ah, yes, I remember so well.


Wait a minute. There is something strange about this.


Grandpapa, are you sure this is the lady you met on the boat?


There were at least six stanley kaniskys on board.


But I'm the right guy.


Is your middle name stashu?


Yes. It is not.


It could have been.


Enough, enough, enough with this nonsense.


Sign any name you want on the certificate.


But, papa -- shut up, dumpling.


But, papa --


I said shut up. Dumpling, shut up!


Don't call me dumpling!


I'm not a dumpling!


And you are not going to force me


To marry someone I didn't even know years ago.


Now, that's the way to talk to a father --


Will you shut up?



Well, while I'm at it, I might as well tell you --


For the last years I have been having an affair.


[ Mutters ]


Papa?


Ohh.


Papa, are you all right?


I'll be all right.


Wait till your grandfather hears about this.


Again...


Again, katrina, the wrong stanley kanisky.


Yes, papa.


Stanley, I apologize


If I've caused you any inconvenience.


I'll marry her anyway.


I'll even give her a child, if she wants one.


Here -- take one of these.


For $ million I'll go.


I'll go for $ million!


Get out of here!


Get out of here!


Grandpapa, it's over -- o-v-e-r.


You are not marrying katrina.


You are out of the pickle business.


You know what, papa?


I'll introduce you to my sweetie.


Finally we may have a beautiful polish wedding.


Papa?


His name is giuseppe bellini.


Giuseppe bellini?


That don't sound too polish.


Italian?


[ Chuckles ]


Pickles and pizza.


Well, they may come in handy, in case you get pregnant.


I want to thank you.


You're the one person


Who gave my daughter the courage to stand up to her father,


And I admire you for that.


Why, thank you.


That's the biggest lie of them all.


I-i-i-it's bigger than big.


[ Chuckles ]


In fact, it's my personal best.


About that night on the ship --


I was wearing a yellow babushka.


Ah, yes, I remember so well.


You and your flashing eyes. [ Giggles ]


Oh, grandpapa.


So it really was her.


It was so long ago.


Who remembers?


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break