04x22 - Police Mamas

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪



♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


Yeah, but -- well, yeah. [ Groaning ]


Yeah, but we got all this food poisoning over here.


We'll take anybody -- a crossing guard, a meter maid.


Chief, the gloverdale police can't spare us nobody.


Tell 'em I'm down to one healthy, able-bodied man.


He's down to one healthy, able-bodied man.


Who's that, chief?


You, you idiot.


I'm the healthy, able-bodied man he's down to.


You got to help me.


The doctor says it's not serious,


But every one of my men will be out for at least hours.


I called the sheriff's department,


But they got their hands full right now.


Yeah, an -wheeler turned over


From acme farms at the four corners.


The sheriff's guys are chasing chickens all over the highway.


I should call colonel sanders?


That's not funny, bill.


That's not funny, bill.


You wait till your department comes down with food poisoning.


Have a nice day.


Men out sick.


I tell you, simpson, I should have been a doctor


Instead of a police chief.


Well, chief, there's still time for you to be a doctor.


What are you talking about?


Well, let's see -- you go to night school for pre-med,


Then transfer to day school, and then apply to med school.


Then I could give you your lobotomy.


Can I get a deal on that, chief?


Chief, you have exactly two minutes to explain.


Explain what?


To explain why your stupid officer murphy


Pulled us over and said


We better get our tails down to the station right now.


I am so sorry. Your two minutes are up.


Will you listen to me? I'm sorry.


We are out for an evening of cultural entertainment


At the glenlawn musical circus.


Didn't murphy explain that I'm in the middle of a crisis?


No, he did not.


He just made a strange gurgling sound, then he fainted.


Fainted? Yes.


Then we took him to the hospital,


And they said it was just a simple case of food poisoning.


Now, what is your crisis?


Almost the whole force is down with food poisoning.


That is a crisis.


That's why I need you girls to help me --


Answer the phones and monitor the radio.


As soon as we see "the king and i,"


Addy and I will come back over here,


And we will answer the phones, we'll take messages --


Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.


Okay.


Until you get back, where's the rest of my family?


The girls went out,


And joey and grandpapa went to the movies.


You never can find a family when you need one.


He always gets cranky when he's hungry.


Hey, chief, now, we can exchange our tickets for tomorrow.


Tomorrow night!


I appreciate that, nell.


Okay, look, you're just a little tired,


And you're a little hungry, and you're just a little bit cranky.


Why don't we run over next door to the sub shop


And get you something to eat?


Thank you. Oh, wait. Hold it.


The sub shop is off-limits


Until we find out what caused the food poisoning.


Yeah, I got a sandwich right here that I'm not eating.


What kind is it?


Peanut butter and jelly.


I'll take it.


You know, the sub shop couldn't have caused the food poisoning


'Cause they've been closed all day.


It's monday.


Well, it seems to me all you have to do


Is find out where the men got their food from.


Then you'll find the source of the food poisoning.


Youse are a regular angela lansbury.


I solved the case, chief.


Everybody got lunch today from the takeout sandwich guy.


You sure?



Oh, yeah.


That's where I got that peanut butter and jelly sandwich.


[ Ringing ]


[ Ringing continues ]


Answer the phone, addy.


I don't know how to answer a phone in a police station.


You're a phd,


And you don't know how to answer the phone in a police station?


I've never done this before.


Right. Well, it says right here in the police manual


That you should pick up the phone and say,


"Glenlawn police department. Good evening."


Glenlawn police department. Good evening.


Nell, what should I say now?


Ask them why they called.


Why are you calling?!


Give me that!


Hello.


No. Calm down. Calm down.


Yes. How might I help you?


Oh, I'm sorry.


We don't do cats in the tree.


Well, call your fire department.


Okay. Thank you.


I feel like I've been on the force for years, girl.


This is getting to be fun.


Oh, simpson, thank goodness you're back.


Oh, yeah. How's the chief?


Not bad.


We got to the hospital,


And he made one last lunge for my throat,


And then he fainted.


The doctor says he'll be all right in the morning.


That's a relief. Who is this?


Littlefield, warren.


Hold on one minute. Okay. Go.


Littlefield, warren. Caucasian.


Born pawtucket, rhode island, may , .


My uncle charlie was born on may th.


Of course, that was in sioux falls, south dakota,


But he was caucasian.


Small world.


Simpson, why did you arrest the man?


Oh, well, I pulled him over for speeding.


But there's a warrant out on him for back alimony.


You want to call your lawyer?


No, I don't want to talk to him.


The creep's living with my ex-wife.


Maybe they'll get married,


And then you won't have to pay alimony.


I don't pay it now.


That's why I'm wearing these handcuffs.


Come on, mr. Littlefield. I'll show you to your room.


Well, now that you're here, we'll be going, simpson.


No, please don't leave me here alone.


We always end up saying that to them, don't we?


I need you for my deputies.


[ Both laugh ]


Deputies? You've got to be kidding.


No, he's got to be crazy.


Look, criminals should be seen and not heard.


What criminal?


It was no crime leaving that barracuda.


You made a commitment to that barracuda!


You know, marriage is a sacred institution.


Sacred?


Show me one place in the bible


Where it mentions the word "alimony."


The only reason that it is not mentioned in the bible


Is because splitting up back then was simple.


David got the donkey, bathsheba got the goat.


Now, come on, addy.


Nell, please.


I need youse to be my deputies.


Again with the deputies?


Simpson, we're not qualified to be deputies.


Okay!


I know you never seen a tough cop beg,


But I'm begging you now, nell.


Don't beg, pal. They're not worth it.


Oh, and I guess you think that you men are.


Well, I want you to know there are two sides to a divorce.


That's right.


I was married to a dentist,


And I supported that man until he got his degree.


Then he put a couple of things out --


His shingle and me.


I'd like to shake his hand.


I'd like to shake your face!


Addy!


Addy, come on.


Let's not waste our time on this criminal.


No, I need your help, please!


Oh, come on, simpson.


We don't know anything about being deputies.


I don't expect youse to be real cops.


But if I'm gone, who's gonna be here


When that lost little boy, like joey,


Walks through that door crying?


You get a lot of lost little boys in here?



Oh, yeah.


Who's gonna buy that little lost boy an ice-cream cone?


Aw.


And who's gonna put the policeman's cap


On his cute little head sideways?


Oh!


Who cares?


The law cares.


And so do we. Yeah.


Can you make us deputies just like that?


Oh, yeah.


There's a law from ,


But it's still on the books.


And the law says, "in time of emergency,


Any marshal, sheriff, or law-enforcement officer --"


Heh...


"Can deputize a glenlawn citizen,"


Of which youse are two.


Okay. What do we have to do?


Well, first raise your right hand and repeat after me.


"I," nell harper and addy wilson...


Both i, nell harper and addy wilson...


"Do solemnly swear to uphold the laws


Of the united states of america and glenlawn."


Do solemnly swear to uphold the laws


Of the united states of america and glenlawn.


Youse are now deputies of the glenlawn police department


Under the emergency mobilization act of .


Now I give you a badge,


A dollar a day,


And enough oats for your horse.


Are you sure this isn't gonna be dangerous or anything?


Oh, please -- little lost boys and ice-cream cones?


What could happen?


[ Telephone rings ]


Congratulations, officers.


Glenlawn police.


sh**t at th and elm. Who wants to take it?


Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.


Yes, ma'am. Okay.


Yes, thank you very much. Thank you.


Here, katie, would you file this, baby?


Oh, sure.


This is so much fun!


Oh, deputy harper?


What is it, bigmouth?


May I make a phone call?


I need to call gloria steinem.


Her dream finally came true --


Five women holding one man prisoner.


Forget gloria, darling.


It's my dream you should worry about.


You guys, you know mr. Bradbury who lives across the street?


What about him? Look at this.


He was arrested for dressing up like meryl streep.


Gee, I wish simpson would get back from that sh**t.


Oh, nell, I forgot to tell you. Simpson called.


There was no sh**t -- just some guy had his tv on too loud.


Oh, yeah? Well, did he say anything else?


Uh, yeah, he said he was gonna stop somewhere


And get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.


Of all the nerve!


We're doing his work, and he's out on a dinner break!


It's not fair.


[ Telephone rings ]


Hello. Glenlawn police department.


Samantha kanisky speaking.


What?


Nell, you better pick up on this.


Oh, okay.


Officer harper here. How might I help you?


Oh, okay. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.


There is a prowler in the house across the street.


Mm-hmm. The address?


Mm-hmm. Oh, I know that house.


Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much.


Somebody's robbing my house!


Oh, I wish we could call the police.


We are the police.


Nell, are you sure it's our house?


Yes, that was mr. Bradbury who was calling.


He lives across the street.


Isn't that the guy who dresses up like meryl streep?


Yes. He said he would go over and check it out,


But he doesn't have a thing to wear.


Nell, I mean, simpson isn't here.


What are we supposed to do?


Oh, you'll do what any woman would do in a case like this --


Get hysterical.


You think just because we're women


We're gonna get hysterical?


Well, you're wrong! We're not gonna get hysterical!


I'm glad there's a prowler out there, because I can handle him.


Cagney and lacey are women,


And they round up criminals all the time.


Yeah, after they've spent two hours in makeup


Getting their hair done.


I don't want to go over there, nell.


Why? Your hair looks beautiful.


And, besides, it's my house!



That's what my wife said.


Nell, do we have to go?


Addy, simpson is not here.


Look, remember, we'll be like cagney and lacey.


You're a lot closer to laurel and hardy.


Lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy,


Don't let me hurt this man.


Smile, addy.


I tell you what.


I'll lay you to you don't go.


[ Chuckles ]


I don't want to take your money.


[ Chuckles ]


I've heard women say that before, too.


All right. All right. All right.


Since you're gonna go out there and do a man's job,


Before you go, would you do women's work


And find me something to eat?


Oh, boy.


Warren, warren, warren...


I just loves doing women's work.


Get me that sandwich.


It's only a half


Because the chief ate the other half.


But it's peanut butter and jelly, and it is tasty.


Well, thanks.


It's the first decent thing a woman has ever done for me.


Bon appétit.


Uh, girls...


I want you to call the hospital


As soon as you hear him gurgle.


I don't see anybody.


Like I said, maybe there's nobody in there.


Just a false alarm.


Oh, what a relief.


Was that your light?


No. I was hoping it was yours.


It wasn't.


I'm scared.


Shh! We got to stay calm.


Look, I have been living with the chief of police


For the past years,


And some of his police know-how has rubbed off on me.


So, what do we do?


You go in there, and you talk to that prowler.


Why do I have to go in and talk to him?


Well, you're the smart one.


You're the one with a college education.


You're the one


That's been living with a police chief for years.


But we don't talk about his work when he comes home.


Nell, you just said --


I don't care what I just said!


We could be facing a dangerous criminal.


You get yourself together and act like a cop.


Come out with --


Addy!


The last thing we want to do is to make him mad.


Okay, now, I got a plan.


I got the key to the door right here in my pur-- oh.


I left my purse, didn't i? Yes.


Okay. This is my new plan.


We can go around here and go through the front door.


Then we can open this door. Come on. Let's go.


Oh! Oh!


What?


You almost stepped in my geraniums.


Nell, there may be a prowler in the house.


I mean, any minute, we could be fighting for our lives,


And all you're worried about is these geraniums?


When did you plant those geraniums?


Do you remember last year when my petunias d*ed?


Oh, yes, something about the ph in the soil.


No, no, no, that was these chinch bugs.


When the petunias d*ed, I said, "nell, why don't you put --"


You know, they look beautiful.


I like these better than the petunias 'cause --


Addy, addy, addy.


New plan. Okay.


I'm gonna go around here to the front door.


You stay here.


I'll come 'round and let you in that door.


Why don't I just come with you?


Because I don't want to talk to you no more.


[ Dog barking in distance ]


Aaaah!


What you doing in my house?


You know that side door that's always locked?


Yeah. It wasn't.


[ Squeals ]


Oh.


He's outside now.


[ Thud ] [ gasps ]


Now he's upstairs.


Oh, come on, addy. He can't prowl that fast.


There's two of them.


We're outnumbered!


Don't be stupid. There's two of us.


Unh-unh. I'm leaving.


You've got a choice. Now, listen, deputy.



You can face them, or you can face me.


I'll face them.


You're a smart girl.


Now, you get out there and get that one.


I'll go upstairs and get this one.


Uh, nell? What, addy?


What if I run into him outside?


Then you get on your horse and you ride like heck.


[ Door closes ]


[ Creak ]


Nell.


Nell.


Addy.


Addy, girl, are you out there?


[ Crash ]


Aaah!


[ Whimpers ]


[ Thud ] it's them!


[ Grunts ]


Joey!


Joey!


What are you doing, aunt nell?


You scared me half to death!


This dumb woman thought you were a burglar.


Addy, nell, what are you doing here?


I thought you were seeing telly savalas.


Everybody down at the police department


Came down with food poisoning.


Well, how about carl?


He's in the hospital, but he'll be home in the morning.


Anyway, simpson said he was gonna make us deputies.


Then somebody called the police station


And said there was a prowler in the house.


What prowler? That was me.


A fuse blew, and I've been looking all over


For the fuse box.


Come on, joey.


Let's you and I go upstairs and finish our game of checkers.


Okay, grandpa.


Well, we solved our first case, didn't we, cagney?


Right, lacey.


You know, we're better than cagney and lacey.


Yeah, honey.


We bad.


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break