06x08 - Nell The Boss

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Gimme a Break!" Aired: October 29, 1981 – May 12, 1987.*
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Nell Harper is the no-nonsense housekeeper and surrogate mother for police chief Carl Kanisky's children: Samantha, Julie and Katie.
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06x08 - Nell The Boss

Post by bunniefuu »

[ Squeaking ]



[ Squeaking ]


[ Squeaking continues ]


Addy, did you just squeak?


Not that I know of.


Oh.


[ Squeaking ]


[ Whistling ]


Joey, I'm not going to ask you again.


Where is that squeaking coming from?


It's matthew, aunt nell.


Yeah! Squeak, squeak!


Come on. Get down.


Get down.


[ Squeaking continues ]


A hamster!


Joey, you know th--


Get out of the way.


Joey, you know that under no circumstances


Are the tenants in this building allowed to have pets!


Aunt nell, marty said we could.


Oh, he did?


Then why don't you just take the hamster


Down to his apartment?


Aunt nell, I can't. Marty's allergic to fur.


Come on! Please, aunt nell?


Please, can I keep him?


Please, aunt nell? Please?


Matthew, it's not gonna work this time, okay?


Aunt nell, look.


He'll stay in his cage all day,


And you won't even know he's here.


Oh, yeah.


I'll know he's here,


Because I'll be the one that will have to clean the cage.


I'll be the one that will have to feed it.


Then I will have to be the one to listen to his problems.


Mnh-mnh. No. Forget it.


Aunt nell! No, darling.


Forget it!


Addy, you won't believe this,


But joey has a hamster in his room.


Really?


Oh, now, I had the cutest hamster when I was a kid.


His name was bobo.


Aunt nell? What?


Harry's our science-class hamster.


And now they're going to send him back where he came from,


And they're gonna use him as a lab animal.


A lab animal?


Yeah.


It's this company called heavenly light.


They use hamsters and other animals


To test their makeup and other dumb stuff.


Look, honey.


They use animals so they can test products


To make them safe for human beings.


[ Sighs ]


Aunt nell, this company even uses rabbits


To test their stupid eye shadow.


You know, they put this stuff right in their eyes.


And some of the poor little things even go blind!


I didn't know that.


Yeah.


You know, they use all kinds of animals


Just to test shampoo and conditioner and hair spray.


And, aunt nell, when they're through with them,


They even put some of them to sleep!


Well, I've washed my hair, conditioned it,


Sprayed it, put on my eye shadow.


I look great, and I feel awful.


Joey, I just can't believe what you're telling me.


I mean, no animal should have to lay down his life


For the way that addy looks.


Aunt nell, but it's all true.


All right, honey, I'll do something


About this heavenly light cosmetics company.


There has to be another way they can test the products


Without using animals.


All right, I'll tell you what.


Tomorrow, I'll talk to catherine lang at work.


She's into protecting animal rights, all right?


I want to help, too. I mean, I owe it to bobo.


You keep your bobo out of this.


Who's bobo?


He was my hamster when I was a kid,


But at least he d*ed of natural causes.


A chandelier fell on his cage.


So does, um, that mean we can keep harry, aunt nell?


Well -- will you leave me alone?


Yay! I got to tell matthew!


Wait a minute.


Honey, you've got to oil that cage, okay?


Okay. Hey, matthew! Matthew!


Well, addy,


Since I've already saved the statue of liberty,


I guess I should start saving some smaller things, too.


♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪



♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


I thought I heard you come in. Oh, yeah. Listen. I talked to catherine today.


And she says that a lot of cosmetics companies


Are spending a lot of money


To find new ways to test their products


Without using animals.


Oh, that's very encouraging.


Yeah, but, unfortunately,


Heavenly light isn't one of these companies.


Anyway, when I told catherine about it,


She got really furious,


And she's gonna get her group to do something about it.


Well, I already threw out all my eye shadow.


Well, that's great.


But, see, they're gonna have a benefit


To publicize the problem,


And, uh, well, I volunteered us,


And I got marty to cater,


And I got you something, girl.


Look.


"A hamster is a terrible thing to waste."


Oh, nell, that is adorable.


Aww.


That will be $..


Oh, wait, wait, wait.


Look, look, look, look.


"Hamster on board."


Nell, this is so exciting.


We are really gonna do something about this.


Yes. I'm sending a hamster to nancy reagan.


Nancy reagan?


Oh, yeah, she can put it on a leash,


And she can walk it across the lawn when she waves at people.


You are crazy.


But, you know, I love your ideas, 'cause you think big.


Thank you.


I think I'm gonna go put on my t-shirt.


I'm starting small.


You can say that again.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Uh, coming.


[ Knock on door ]


Marty. Hi.


Do you want to talk about


The menu for the benefit or what?


Sure.


Uh, wait, marty. You sure you want to come in?


I thought you were allergic to animals.


I just told that to joey so I wouldn't have to take harry.


I can't say "no" to the kid.


I can lie to him, but I can't say "no" to him.


Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.


Wait, wait.


[ Chuckles ]


That's real cute. It's real cute.


Looks like a rat wearing a toupee.


Oh, stop. He looks adorable.


Well, you know...


I don't like animals, you know?


You never know what they really think about you.


Okay. Come here.


Let's talk about the menu for lunch, okay?


Okay, now, how's about fried eggplant?


Great.


Right. And, uh, tortilla español?


That's the one that -- I know, I know.


And, uh, fresh venison -- yum-yum.


Come on, marty.


[ Doorbell rings ] it was a joke.


But you've got to make it vegetarian, okay?


Come on.


Yeah?


Where do you want it, lady?


Mmm.


Just put that over there.


Nell, okay. Now, wait a minute.


Now, the boys are not gonna take piano lessons, are they?


I've had it up to here with mrs. Jacoby's saxophone.


Right.


Bye-bye.


A piano?


Very good, addy.


She's been watching "sesame street."


There you go, and thank you.


[ Chuckles ] mmm.


[ Hamster wheel squeaking ]


You know, I have got to speak to joey.


He still has not oiled that cage.


Oh, addy,


You and I are going to write a song for the benefit.



You and I are writing a song?


Yeah, I mean, every great american cause


Has to have a theme song.


I mean, like "hands across america,"


"We are the world,"


"Hey, hey, we're the monkees."


[ Wheel squeaking ]


Nelli got to get me some sleep.


Oh, that cage!


[ Sighs ]


Yeah.


Oil the cage.


Get me some sleep.


[ Wheel squeaking ]


Good morning.


[ Intercom buzzes ] oh, I'll get it.


Get up to the table, matthew.


Hello?


Oh, come on up, mama maybelle.


Could you give me -- give me this, matthew!


[ Giggling ]


Joey, get up!


Look, when mama gets here,


Please do not mention anything to her about the hamster.


I see you, matthew!


Don't mention anything about the hamster.


See, mama doesn't like animals.


That's why she wouldn't let me have a pet


When I was a little girl, all right?


Why don't you just get your coats so you'll be ready?


Come on. Don't be late for the zoo.


A handful.


I'll tell you.


Would you like some coffee or orange juice, darling?


Oh, I'd love some.


Boy, you sure are chipper this morning.


Yeah, I got some sleep.


Last night, I got up and I oiled harry's cage.


And today I'm gonna give him a bath,


So he'll look real good for the meeting.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Hi, mama maybelle. How you doing?


Good morning, boys! It's so good to see you.


You know, I was just thinking that I'm -- ooh!


Addy, what an adorable t-shirt.


Thank you. It's harry the hamster.


Oh, I love animals.


I always wanted nell to have a pet,


But she just couldn't seem to get along with them.


Hello, nell.


Ma, you told me you were the one who was afraid of animals.


I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.


Oh. It never stopped you before.


[ Laughs ] come on, boys.


Zoo opens in a half-hour.


Well, listen. You all have a good time today.


And, mama -- bye-bye.


Mama, now, d-don't stand too close to that lion cage, okay?


Unless it's open house.


Hey, here's your coffee. Let's work on this song.


Nell, what oil did you put on harry's cage?


I used some salad oil out of the refrigerator. Why?


I think it was rancid.


So?


Harry must have licked it off.


So, addy?


Harry's dead!


Huh?


You k*lled harry.


What am I gonna tell joey? You know how much he loves that hamster.


He feels like he saved his life,


Like he rescued him from the jaws of death.


[ Doorbell rings ] aah! That's joey.


What am I gonna tell him? What am I gonna tell him?


I don't want to see his little face when you tell him.


Oh, sure, run out on me, you old coward.


And take off my shirt. You owe me $..


[ Doorbell rings ]


[ Gasps ] oh, maggie.


Oh, thank heaven it's you. Now go home.


Why?


Maggie, I don't have time to lie to you,


So come on in here right quick, okay?


Last night, I poisoned joey's hamster.


He's dead. Now please go home.


Was it something he said?


No, no. See, his cage was squeaking.


His cage was squeaking, so you k*lled him?


Sit down. No, no, no, no, no.


See, I couldn't get any sleep, right?


So, I got up and I oiled his cage with some salad oil,


But it turned out to be rancid, and he licked it off.


And he's dead. Yes.


What are you gonna tell joey?


The truth.


Well, I always tell my children the truth...


Eventually.


[ Laughs ]


What's so funny about that?


I was just thinking about that old joke



About the guy who loves his cat.


Oh, please, not one of your jokes.


You know that joke?


Well, it might help you with joey.


You want to hear it?


See, there's this guy, and he really loves his cat.


And he goes away for the weekend,


And he leaves his cat with his brother.


Cat dies. Right?


Calls up the brother, says, "how's my cat?"


Brother goes, "your cat's dead."


The guy's so upset. He goes to pieces.


He goes, "why'd you tell me like that?


You should have broken it to me gently."


The brother goes, "how am I gonna break that to you gently?"


He goes, "well, the first day that I called,


"You could have said,


"'Well, the cat's on the roof and we can't get him down.'


"Then the second day I called, you could have said,


"'Well, we got him down, but he hurt his leg


"And he's resting comfortably at the vet's.'


"Then the third day I called, you should have said,


"'Well, it's worse than we thought,


"And he passed away in his sleep.'


So, this way I could have taken it a little better."


The brother goes, "I'm sorry. I should have thought of that."


He goes, "I'm gonna miss my cat. By the way, how's mom?"


"Mom's up on the roof, and we can't get her down."


You get it?


Get out.


Hamster k*ller.


Get out!


What are you gonna do about this meeting with catherine lang?


I'll just cancel it.


It's too late!


I can't have them find out that the hamster's dead.


You should have thought of that before you k*lled him.


Watch it, addy.


I k*lled once, and I can k*ll again.


Oh, I know exactly what to do.


I'm gonna look up pet cemeteries.


I mean, I never got a chance to give bobo a proper funeral,


But I'm gonna make sure harry gets one.


[ Telephone rings ]


Hello?


Look, I'm sorry.


I don't have time for your survey.


My roommate k*lled our hamster.


Returning shoes at a time like this?


No! Harry's in here.


You put harry in a shoe box?


He's a perfect e.


Oh, nell!


Addy, I have to take him down to the pet store


So I can get one that looks just like him.


Oh, come on. I got to replace dear, poor harry.


Oh.


[ Sniffles ]


Have some muffins. They're wonderful.


You know, nell, I just can't thank you enough


For joining our group


And drawing our attention to heavenly light cosmetics.


[ Addy sobs ]


It was the least that I could do.


Some of the other cosmetics companies


Have these tolerance tests


That they use on the animals to prevent injury.


We're gonna force heavenly light to start using them.


[ Addy sobs ]


That's great.


So, when do we hear the song?


Well, as soon as I get --


[ Addy blows her nose ]


Oh, would you excuse me?


I left something on the stove in the kitchen.


I'll be right back, okay?


[ Chuckles ]


Will you get out of here and stop this crying?


I miss harry.


Come on. Don't you think I miss him, too?


It's just that he reminded me so much of bobo.


I keep thinking of his little face


And his little ears and his little tail.


He didn't have a little tail.


Now, come on, listen.


We have a perfectly good hamster in there,


And you weren't even paying attention to him.


He doesn't have a personality.


He's not friendly like harry was.


Harry was not friendly. He was insecure.


He was a neurotic mess, like every other man in your life.


Let's go.


Now, come in there and sing that song.


Listen, this song could help other harrys.


It could help other...


Bobos.


Other bobos?


Yes.


Okay. Okay.


Come on.



Hi. I'm sorry.


We haven't really rehearsed this number too much,


But we put it down on tape for you yesterday.


And we hope that you'll get the idea, okay?


[ Upbeat music plays ]


♪ Don't you dare harm a hair


♪ On the head of harry the hamster ♪


♪ He's an innocent soul


♪ And he'd never harm a hair on you ♪


♪ Even though profit may ride


♪ On the hide of harry the hamster ♪


♪ You've got to try and have a heart ♪


♪ 'Cause that's the human thing to do ♪


♪ You know that don't give you the right ♪


♪ You know that don't give you the right ♪


♪ You know that don't give you the right ♪


♪ To treat him like a guinea pig ♪


♪ Oh, yeah ♪ oh, yeah


♪ Oh, yeah ♪ oh, yeah


♪ Oh, yeah


♪ Yeah


That was wonderful.


[ Doorbell rings ] ooh.


I thought I heard you.


Oh, people, these are my children.


This is matthew, this is joey,


And this is my mama.


Aunt nell?


Nellyes, darling.


Where's harry?


That's harry over there in the cage, baby.


Aunt nell, this isn't harry.


Yeah, baby, th-that's harry right there in the cage.


Aunt nell, I know harry, and this isn't him.


Oh, honey, don't be ridiculous.


Oh, I hope those boys are not coming down with hamster fever.


Oh, he's so hot. I better take him to his room.


Nell. Yes, darling.


You'd better tell him the truth.


Would you excuse me while I go in the kitchen with my son?


Sit down, baby.


Aunt nell.


Yes? Where's harry?


Let me get you some milk and cookies.


Aunt nell, I don't want any milk and cookies.


You don't want any milk and cookies?


My goodness, you have grown up.


How old are you now, boy?


.


You're ?


Where's harry?


You know, it's amazing how time flies


When you're having such a good time.


It seems just like yesterday you were on our doorstep,


And I took you in --


But where's harry?


Where's harry? Okay.


Well, see, honey, sometimes it's really difficult


To tell someone you love the truth, you know?


You know how much I love you, don't you?


Yes.


And you'll remember how much you love me, won't you?


'Cause, see, now I'm gonna tell you the truth, okay?


Where's harry?


Yes.


Where's harry? I'm gonna tell you the truth.


All right.


Harry's up on the roof, and we can't get him down.


You k*lled him! You k*lled my hamster!


You know that joke?


She k*lled him! She k*lled my hamster!


Oh, I'm gonna take this in to the little guy.


Maybe it'll cheer him up. Come on, matty.


Nell, we can talk about the benefit another day.


Addy told us what happened.


No, no, no, no. You don't understand.


You see, it was su1c1de.


I swear to you, it was su1c1de. Harry was really depressed.


Look, I know just how you feel.


Last week I backed my station wagon


Over my daughter's turtle...


Three times.


But wait. Thank you for com--


So, you really k*lled joey's hamster.


Oh, please. It wasn't my fault.


I did not know that the salad oil was rancid,


And he was gonna lick it off.


Uh-huh.


Hmph.


And you wonder why I never let you have a pet...


...or fix me a salad.


Nell!


No, joey, don't come in here yelling at me now.


I can to explain to you about what happened to harry.


Forget about harry! Herman's much nicer!


Who is herman?


You know, the new hamster you bought.


He just did something harry could never do.


What'd he do?


He just had six babies.



♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break
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