06x10 - Joey The Gambler

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪



♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


Nellget out of my way. Come on, nell.


Addy, get out of my way.


Say "cheese."


Ch-- it's not cheese.


It's tuna fish, and I wish you would just let me finish.


Oh, nell, you're no fun.


I just want to try out my new camera.


Addy, don't you have a job or something to go to today,


Or are you planning on standing around here


And ruining my entire day off?


Well, I don't have to be in till :.


I'll just ruin half your day.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Leave me alone! Walk that way.


You're making me sick. Leave me alone!


Yes!


Ooh, grandpa, you look great.


I always look great in the morning.


Where are you going?


No place. I just got in.


Oops.


As soon as I drop the boys at school,


I'm going right to bed.


Stay right there, grandpa.


Here, guys.


Hi, grandpa. Thanks, aunt nell.


It's not tuna fish again, is it?


Oh, no, no, no, no.


Okay, everybody, freeze.


[ Camera shutter clicks ]


Addy, make me a copy.


I want to hang it up on the "what's happening" board


In the senior citizens' center.


Bye! Bye, aunt nell!


Bye, bye, bye.


So, you didn't tell me, nell.


What are you gonna do today?


Well, that's the beauty of having a day off, addy.


I ain't got to do nothing.


I could go to a matinee,


Or I could go to a museum,


Or I could have lunch at the russian tea room.


But I'll probably go back to bed.


[ Buzzer ] get out of my face.


Addy, please stop it.


Oh!


Hello?


Oh, hi, mama maybelle.


It's your mama.


No! I'm not here! I'm not here!


Yeah, nell's here. Come on up.


How could you do that?


How could you tell that old lady that I was at home?


She would have found out. She heard you breathing.


I wasn't breathing. I was hyperventilating.


Oh, come on, nell.


Why can't you be nice to your mother for once?


What? Do you remember the last time I was nice to her?


Do you remember last year,


When she ran over my foot with her wheelchair?


Let bygones be bygones.


You know, if you're nice to your mother,


Then your mother will be nice to you.


What goes around comes around.


Well, this is great.


I'm living with a black pollyanna.


Well, there goes my day off.


All she wants to do is spend a little time with you, nell,


And she's lonely.


It's just her way of crying out for love.


Then why doesn't she go to a singles bar?


[ Doorbell rings ]


Come on, nell, just give her a big hug and a big kiss


And try to start things off on the right foot.


Just try it.


All right.


Okay. Okay.


I'll try it.


All right.


Mama!


Addy told you to be nice to me, didn't she?


Hello, addy, darling.


Hi, mama maybelle.


Here, let me take your coat,


And I'll just put it over here in the closet for you.



Thanks, apple cake.


You know, you remind me of the daughter I always wanted.


[ Laughter ]


Ow!


Let my apple cake out of there.


Come on out, apple cake.


I'll be in my room.


All right, ma, what's up?


I want you to go up to east rd street with me.


Why?


Because I want to open a joint account with you.


But why uptown?


It's a nice bank.


Besides, they're giving away free toasters.


Then why don't you get loretta


To open this joint account with you?


I don't trust loretta with money.


I don't trust you, either, but you are my firstborn.


Oh, no, ma, you're not gonna tell me


About the three days of labor again, are you?


I'll tell you about that at lunch. Now go change.


You always loved that story.


You had me in labor for three days.


I mean, labor, honey -- labor.


Here's your receipt for your $, deposit, mrs. Harper.


And for opening a new account,


You'll receive a lovely toaster.


Isn't that nice?


I can give that to nell for christmas.


Ho, ho, ho.


Unfortunately we're all out of toasters right now.


Ha, ha, ha!


Here's your key for your new safe-deposit box.


Oh, ma, please.


What do you have that's so valuable


That you need a safe-deposit box?


My insurance papers


And the deed to the property your grandfather left me


And loretta's first tooth.


Oh, where's my first tooth?


I have no idea.


Could you come with me, mrs. Harper?


Thank you. Come on, nell.


If I ain't got no tooth in there, I ain't coming.


You can't make me, either, ma.


[ Telephone rings ]


Excuse me, miss? Yes?


My name is kimball. I'm a federal agent.


No, no, no, I didn't do anything.


It's my mama you want.


No, no, I don't want to arrest your mother.


I want to warn her.


About what?


Well, there's a con man working a scam in this area.


He tells people that he's a bank examiner


And that he suspects one of the tellers here


Is passing counterfeit bills.


Oh, I see.


So he's not really a bank examiner.


No. That's why they call it a scam.


He asks these people to withdraw their money so he can examine it.


He gives them a phony receipt,


And he takes off with the cash.


And you mean people really fall for that?


That is dumb. That is dumb, dumb, dumb.


Well, not everyone is as sophisticated as you are, ma'am.


Mm-hmm.


Have a seat, please.


You see, this guy preys


On older people like your mother.


Oh, no, no, honey, don't worry about my mama.


My mama would never fall for anything like this.


Now, we have a tip that the guy we're after


Is gonna be in this bank today.


Good. So you can arrest him.


Believe me, nothing would make me happier.


Unfortunately we have to catch him in the act.


I mean, someone has to actually give him the money.


You know, it's so hard to find anyone


Who's willing to do their civic duty.


Well, you can't blame them.


When it comes to criminals,


People don't want to get involved.


Suppose something went wrong.


Nothing can go wrong. We have agents everywhere.


There's a $, reward.


Well, I would do anything for my country.


I really appreciate that, but I can't let you do that.


I mean, you wouldn't want your mother involved in this.


My mama doesn't even have to know.


It's a joint account.


After all, I feel it's my duty.


To tell you the truth,


Mama really could use that $, reward.


All I can say, miss -- miss --


Harper.


Citizen nell harper.


Well, miss harper, your country thanks you.


Oh, you're welcome.


And, you know, mama is gonna really love



Getting that $, reward.


The most I'll keep for myself is $,.


Well, can you be back at the bank here this afternoon?


Sure.


Mama is really gonna love getting that $, reward.


The most I would keep for myself is $,.


You be here at the bank at sharp,


Withdraw the money from your mother's account.


We'll have the place surrounded.


And these cameras right here, all these cameras,


They'll record the entire thing.


See? Right here.


So, now, how will I find this guy?


Oh, don't worry.


You just be here. He'll find you.


Now, he'll probably tell you


That he's got to examine the money in his office.


He'll slip out the back door, and we're gonna grab him.


-.


I think mama and I should just split the reward


Right down the middle.


I mean, it's only fair.


You seem to me like a fair person.


Yeah. But you know what?


I cannot wait to see you arrest this guy.


Well, I'm afraid you have to stay in the bank.


You have to wait until after the police sirens, see?


And then give it a few minutes,


And you'll know it's safe to come out.


Well, why do I have to wait a few minutes?


Miss harper, this man could be armed.


He's dangerous. He's very dangerous.


There could be some sh**ting, so, please, wait for the sirens.


Well, since it is my life that's at stake here,


I figure I should keep the whole $,.


It's only fair.


♪ We're in the money


♪ We're in the money


♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪


Don't turn around. Don't -- don't turn around.


Oh, okay.


Do you have the money?


No, I'm getting it now.


Good.


Has the phony bank examiner made contact yet?


[ Laughs ] yeah.


He's that guy over there in that old, ugly polyester suit.


Now, after you make the drop, don't forget.


Wait for the sirens.


Right. Wait for the siren.


Well, miss harper, here's your money.


Thank you.


$ Bills.


Thank you.


You're welcome.


Mr. Anderson, here you go.


Here's $ bills.


And may I say that that suit is...


Oh, what a nice suit.


Thank you.


And here is your receipt.


As soon as I've completed the inspection in my office,


Your money will be returned to you.


All right.


I'll be right here...


Waiting for the siren.


[ Chuckles ]


♪ My country 'tis of thee


♪ Sweet land


I feel so american.


[ Chuckles ]


I want to vote.


♪ Of thee I sing


Did you hear a siren?


I beg your pardon?


Nothing. I just thought I heard a siren.


But don't worry. You will any minute now.


♪ Land where my fathers d*ed


♪ Land of the


Where's the doggone sirens?!


T-there's no men.


There's no siren.


There's no $,.


Didn't you see anything?


There's no men.


Miss harper, miss harper, good news.


Your mother's toaster arrived.


Aah!


Nell, I want to ask you one question --


How could you be so dumb?


[ Sobbing ] mama, he had a badge.


If a man wears a mask,


Does that make him the lone ranger?


Don't be too hard on her, mama maybelle.


Yeah, mama.


I was gonna give you the entire reward.


Really?


Yeah, mama,


I wasn't gonna keep a penny for myself.


I just -- I just wanted to surprise you!



Mama maybelle, I am sure that nell is gonna pay you back


Every cent with interest.


Uh-huh.


Well, I'll be at loretta's, holding my breath.


Ohh! Mama!


[ Knock on door ]


Get me my toaster.


And you can forget all about getting this for christmas.


[ Sobbing ]


Baby, it's gonna be okay.


Hey! Hiya, nell.


Well, where's your girlfriend addy?


I'm too dumb to have friends.


Well, uh, what would you like to eat?


Nothing.


You think you can get an orchestra here


To kind of lift my spirits?


Would you settle for a cup of coffee?


Yeah.


Excuse me, waiter, where's your ladies' room?


Right over there.


Thank you.


Goodbye, baby.


Charlie?


Yeah, nell, you want something else?


Yes. I want you to get me a cop.


A what?


Don't turn around. Just get me a cop.


Okay, okay.


I don't know where you can find a cop


After dark in new york city.


Don't turn around.


I said, don't turn around.


It's me -- citizen harper,


The one you swindled out of $, this morning.


I don't know what you're talking about.


Oh, I think you do.


Well... [ Chuckles ]


I think you've had a little too much sangria.


Would you mind leaving me alone, please?


Leaving you alone?


Well, I think you're going to be alone


For an awfully long time, kimball.


My name is not kimball.


Oh, that doesn't matter.


Where you're going, they use numbers.


I think maybe you ought to go back to your table.


Listen, chump, I don't want to hurt you,


So you'd better give me back my mama's money.


Listen.


Please. Don't make a scene here, all right?


You'll spoil bambi's birthday.


When is your birthday? I'll spoil it, too.


You are crazy.


The jets have a really good chance this year.


No way, charlie, it's gonna be the giants.


The jets. Nell, here's your cop.


What seems to be the problem?


Officer, there is no problem at all.


Obviously this woman has me mistaken for someone else.


Mistake? There is no mistake.


This man stole $, from me this morning.


[ Chuckles ]


I have never seen this woman before in my life.


Officer, will you please arrest this man?


This man came up to me in the bank


And told me that he was agent kimball.


Agent kimball?


My name is roy stevenson.


I'm a systems analyst at the pentagon.


Nice to meet you, mr. Stevenson.


Nice to meet you, buddy.


Wait a minute. Just a minute.


I was at the bank with my mama this morning.


She was putting my little sister's tooth


Into a safe-deposit box.


This man came up to me,


Told me he was agent kimball, showed me his badge --


That's it.


If you look in his wallet, you'll find a phony badge.


Hey, charlie, you know this lady?


Oh, yeah, sure, ernie. She lives upstairs.


Okay, listen, I'm willing to forget all about this.


Just go back to your table and leave this gentleman alone.


No, no, I said go back to your table and leave this man alone.


I changed my mind. I want to arrest you!


Hey.


He's just trying to do his job, lady.


Charlie, is the coffee fresh?


Yeah, it's in the kitchen. Help yourself.


Sorry, mr. Stevenson.


That's quite all right, officer.


I don't know what the world is coming to.


It's getting so there's no such thing


As a dinner and a show anymore.


Check, please.


Come on, ring.


Come on!


Addy, where are you?


Addy, addy, addy, addy.



Jefferson, party of two.


Here. Have a seat.


Addy, listen, I'm down at el gazpacho,


And I want you to get your camera and come down in a hurry.


The man who stole mama's money is here.


Thanks.


Listen, kimball or stevenson or whatever your name is,


You're not going to get rid of me that easy.


I took your money. That's right.


I took all of it,


And you're never, ever gonna be able to prove it,


So just look at it as a lesson in human relations.


I want my mama's money back.


I already spent most of your money.


Crooks don't save.


Where is he?


Don't turn around. I said, don't turn around.


I can't see him.


Oh, then, well, turn around.


He's paying with a credit card.


That's it.


Karl malden in the commercial.


Nell, that man over there is not karl malden.


Will you just shut up and listen?


Look, I'm going to have to get his wallet


So I can get that phony badge out, so here's what we'll do.


We'll pick his pocket --


What do you mean, "we"?


I said we're gonna pick his pocket


Like they do in that american express commercial.


I'll distract. You get the wallet.


Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.


Excuse me, sir,


We'd like to give you a souvenir photo.


No, no, no pictures. No, I don't want any picture.


I said, no pictures, ma'am.


What are you doing?


What are you doing?


Picking your pocket.


My wallet is in my hand.


Erniehey, hey, hey, what's going on here?


If you look in that wallet, you'll find a phony badge.


I thought I told you --


Hello. Ernie johnson, nypd.


Adelaide wilson, phd.


Will you check the wallet?


Is that your wallet?


Yes, and if you look, you will not find a badge.


That won't be necessary, mr. Stevenson.


This is the last time I'm gonna warn you.


Give me any more trouble, I'm gonna take you in.


Thank you very much. Here you are, mr. Goldfarb.


Goldfarb?


Did you hear that? Goldfarb.


Yeah, you said your name was stevenson.


Did i?


Let me see that wallet.


No badge.


Lots of credit cards.


Michael riley, kent harmon,


Tracy mcintosh.


Now, you may not know me,


But there's a simple explanation for this.


Hey, look here. I just found jimmy hoffa.


You better come with me.


The sergeant is gonna have a few questions for you.


Would you come down to the station and file a complaint?


Against you or him?


We do our best.


We'll see.


Hey, you're making a big mistake here.


Wait! Bambi!


Happy birthday.


They're arresting your friend.


Officer, that's no way to treat a united states senator.


Whew!


Oh, addy.


You know what, honey?


I'm gonna have to work awfully hard


To pay mama back her money, but I will.


I'm gonna pay her back every penny.


It'll be worth it 'cause I learned a good lesson.


You see, all these problems came about because of greed.


Hmm!


If mama hadn't have wanted that toaster,


None of this would have ever happened.


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break