06x11 - The Scam

[bunniefuu]

Aunt addy, do you think aunt nell will be upset when she sees the christmas tree?


Well, I know she'll be upset.


But it's christmas eve, and I just couldn't help it.


Yeah, but she said we weren't going to get a tree


Because they cost too much in new york.


Yeah, but it's our first christmas here.


And when she sees this tree, she'll either love it or...


She'll k*ll me.


Oh!


Hey, nell. Hiya, maggie.


What a great tree -- a douglas fir --


One of the few flat-needled pine trees


Grown in the pacific northwest.


Maggie, does your husband know


That you're having an affair with a lumberjack?


I'm a dental hygienist. I know these things.


I did a paper once on the origin of the toothpick.


Would you help me stand this up, girl?


Oh, sure.


I can't wait to see the look on addy and the boys' faces.


Well, addy and I did sort of agree


That we wouldn't get a tree this year, you know,


Because, well, they're so expensive here in new york.


But, well, this is our first christmas in new york,


And I just couldn't resist it.


I'll tell you, I'm just wonderful.


You know that? I am christmas.


Yeah, it's like my uncle louie used to say --


"Christmas without a tree is thanksgiving."


Same food.


Maggie, would you do me a favor?


Just hold the tree a minute, honey.


I just -- I just want to -- I just want to surprise them.


Okay.


[ Giggles ]


Surpri--


A surprise? Ooh!


What's the surprise?


I'm home early from work.


Oh. Well, we got a surprise for you, too.


Yeah, aunt nell. Isn't the tree great?


So, addy, you just took it upon yourself


To go out and buy a tree


After we both agreed that we wouldn't.


I mean, you took a solemn oath,


And I must say, addy, that, honey, I'm shocked.


I am truly appalled.


[ Doorbell rings ]


You left your tree out here.


Addynell?


Uh, she had the wrong, uh, address.


That was mrs. Jacoby's hanukkah bush.


[ Chuckling ] aunt nell.


Doesn't anybody believe anything I say around here anymore?


How long am I supposed to hold this for you?


I have never seen this tree before in my life.


Oh, yeah?


This tag says, "hold for nell harper."


Well, I'm not the only nell harper


In new york city.


Aunt nell.


Well, all right! Goodness.


Great! Now we have two christmas trees!


Come on, matthew, let's go get some more decorations.


So, "principle," nell?


"Solemn oath," nell?


How you doing?


Pretty good. I'm on my way out, though.


I got to go pick up my sister-in-law's present.


She hates me.


But you know the old saying --


"If you have to give a gift to somebody you don't like,


Give them a fruitcake."


So you're all set for christmas, then?


I still got to wrap my husband's present.


What did you get him?


I got him one of those plastic seat cushions for his cab


So that when he's driving his back don't sweat.


It's not the only gift I got him, but it's the big one.


Oh, yeah.


Well, merry christmas, addy.


Maggie, wait, wait, wait -- some eggnog.


Oh, all right.


Eggnog to go. Ho, ho, ho.


Here.


Merry christmas! Merry christmas!


Our first christmas in new york! Our first christmas in new york!


Mmm.


Hmm.


♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break



♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


{,…}


The second best? What was the first best?


Oh, well, letting me come to college in new jersey


So that I could visit you in new york


So that you could send me back to california for christmas.


Okay.


Well, you're all set.


Oh, thanks, you guys.


Um, I guess this is everything, then.


Uh, excuse me.


Honey, would you be a darling


And take this christmas gift back to julie


For baby nell for me, please?


Nell, you already gave me a gift to give to baby nell.


I understand, honey, but this is her first christmas,


And I don't want her to be embarrassed


At daycare center next week.


All right. I guess this is everything, then.


Merry christmas.


My hug -- give me my hug.


Me too. Bye.


Oh, sam, baby,


Would you take this back to baby nell, too?


Nell, you're gonna see everybody at katie's at new year's.


Can't you just bring these with you?


See, if I give baby nell this gift after christmas,


She's gonna think I got it on sale and that I'm cheap.


Hey, sam, your cab's here.


You want me to walk you out to the cab, baby?


No. No. No way, honey.


One more of your long goodbyes, and she'll miss the flight.


Well, wait!


Oh, sam, just wait one minute.


Just wait one minute.


Could you take this back to baby nell?


What is it, a tree house?


Yeah.


Bye-bye!


See you later!


Aunt nell?


Um, we're gonna need some more ornaments


If we're gonna decorate the second tree.


Oh, honey, I have enough ornaments in my closet


To decorate three trees.


Oh, boy! Three trees!


I didn't say that, but get up here.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Oh, boy, you're getting heavy, matthew.


Merry christmas! Ho, ho, ho.


It's your landlord with some cheap,


Last-minute-yet-heartwarming gifts.


Two trees?


Yeah, we have two children, so we have two trees.


We're trying to avoid sibling rivalry in this house.


Hi, marty. Hi, addy.


Okay, you guys, I got a little something for you.


Get your gift.


And this is for you, matthew.


Uncle marty, we got something for you, too.


It's a tie!


Matthew, you're not supposed to tell.


[ Laughter ]


Joey, why don't you come help me find decorations?


Wait just a minute. That is my tree.


I'll get my own decorations. Would you excuse us?


Yeah.


Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's this?


It's my christmas list to santa claus.


Mind if I have a look?


Follow me.


There you go. [ Clears throat ]


"To santa claus..."


Matthew, this won't do.


This is not even close.


Never put a baseball bat at the top of a christmas list.


But I want one.


Of course you want one.


Therefore, you put it third on the list.


First you put a pony,


Then you put a little sister,


And I guarantee you, you'll get a baseball bat.


Could you go in there and help, please?


Okay.


Well, I got to deliver more of this stuff.


I'm glad christmas only comes once a year.


Oh, marty, come on. Get into the spirit.


What spirit? It's "gimme, gimme, gimme."


I got to give a present to the super.


I got to give a present to the mailman.


I got to give a present to the garbage man.


I got to give a present to my mother.


Everybody's got their hand out.


"Joy to the world," marty.


Hey, uncle marty, what are you gonna do tonight?


It's christmas eve.


Who, me?



Oh, well, I got about, uh, a million invitations,


And I guess I'll accept one or two of them.


Hey, nell, I got a little something for you, too!


Yeah, I'll leave it here on the coffee table.


It's a fruitcake. Enjoy.


Aunt nell? Huh?


Can we invite uncle marty over?


He just made up a bunch of stuff about going to a party,


But I know him.


He doesn't have anywhere to go.


Joey, look, honey.


Christmas doesn't mean that much to marty.


Come on. Sit down on my lap.


Boy, you're getting heavy, too.


Look.


This is our very first christmas in new york,


And, well, I just wanted to be with the family, okay?


What about "peace on earth, good will to men"?


You had to say that, didn't you?


Get off my lap.


"What about 'peace on earth, good will to men'?"


I mean, where did I go wrong?


Martycoming!


Hi, marty.


I understand from talking to joey


That, uh, you don't have anything to do


Christmas eve for dinner.


Oh, no. No. I got a million things to do.


Well, all right, then.


Hey, nell.


But you're not gonna sing christmas carols


And stuff like that.


Oh, no. Honey, no, no, no.


I was thinking of doing "the billie holiday songbook."


Oh. I love her.


I'll go change, okay?


That'd be great. Okay.


[ Door closes ]


Huh.


All right, joey. Marty's coming to dinner.


Great!


I don't believe it. You invited marty to dinner?


Well, it is christmas,


And we should open our hearts and our homes up to strangers.


Addypsst.


Oh, um, matthew, what's that?


It's my christmas list for santa claus.


Well, I think we better come over here.


It sounds like a heavy read.


Get up here.


[ Straining ] oh, boy. Okay.


"To santa claus..."


Okay.


"Dear santa, please bring me...


A little sister."


Oh, matthew, you should have given me this list


About nine months ago.


Joey, did you write a list to santa, too?


Come on, aunt nell. There's no santa claus.


There is, too! There is not.


There is, too!


Uh, matty, joey was just teasing!


Joey donovan, how could you say a terrible thing like that


In front of your little brother?!


Come on, aunt nell. You know there's no santa claus.


Just look around.


We don't even have a chimney for santa to come down.


For your information, young man,


We live in new york city.


And santa...


Yeah, santa comes down the fire escape.


That's right.


And t-then he comes in through the window, yeah.


And then he -- he puts the gifts on top of the radiator,


'Cause it's never really that hot.


Yeah, that's right.


That's not what uncle marty said.


Who?


Uncle marty.


You see, we were talking about it the other day,


And I told him that jimmy tantina said


That there wasn't any santa claus.


Uncle marty said jimmy was right.


Nell, uh...


Addy, don't even try to stop me, okay?


Oh, honey, I'm not gonna try to stop you.


Here.


Give him back his fruitcake.


Give him back his fruitcake?


I'll make that turkey eat this fruitcake.


Martyuh, it's open. Come on in.


Don't tell me.


Living statues -- aphrodite.


Don't you call me "afro" nothing.


Listen.


Because you told joey there was no santa claus,


He told matthew there was no santa claus.


You have ruined christmas for two little boys and addy.


Okay, now. Wait a second, nell.


No, don't tell me, "wait a second."



Marty, I don't want my kids to grow up


And be as cynical as you are.


You know, you just don't belong at a christmas dinner.


Here -- take back your fruitcake.


And kiss that under the mistletoe.


[ Door slams ]


♪ Silent night


Oh, knock it off!


♪ Holy...


[ Doorbell rings ]


Aw, leave me alone, nell.


I'm listening to handel's "messiah,"


And I can't be disturbed.


Joeyit's me, uncle marty!


Uh, come on in, joey.


Hi.


Hi.


Want some fruitcake?


No, thanks.


Um, I just want to apologize


For getting you in trouble with aunt nell again.


Aw, don't -- don't worry about it.


Here. Sit down. It's not your fault, all right?


I didn't want to go to that dinner party, anyway.


I didn't know how to get out of it, you understand?


I mean, you know, aunt nell won't take no for an answer.


So what are you gonna do tonight?


Oh, well, um...


I'll probably go uptown, you know,


To a -- a party at, uh, woody allen and mia farrow's.


It's sort of a tradition with us, you know.


We just do it every christmas eve, you know.


So don't worry about me.


You go and have a nice christmas eve.


[ Knock on door ]


Oh, um, I ordered some cream soda for woody.


That's probably it.


Excuse me, marty.


Uh, joey, could you please come home?


Dinner's almost ready.


Okay.


Well, I'm sorry you couldn't come


To christmas eve dinner with us, uncle marty.


But have a good time with woody and mia.


Uh, excuse me.


You're having dinner with woody allen and mia farrow?


Uh, no. [ Chuckles ]


No, I was just kidding around with joey,


Just the way I was kidding around with him


About there not being a santa claus, you know?


Marty, look.


If you hadn't told joey there was no santa claus,


He never would have told matthew.


It's just as well they find out now


So they won't be so disappointed


When santa doesn't bring them everything they want.


Now, wait just a minute.


My kids get everything they want for christmas.


Toys "r" us, you know.


Right. Well, they're very lucky kids.


I mean, santa did not come down my chimney.


Well, why should he?


He knows who's been naughty or nice.


Well, you know, when I was years old --


Exactly matthew's age, as a matter of fact --


I remember writing this long letter to santa,


Explaining about there's this electric train set that I want.


I saw it in the store window.


It was a beautiful train, sort of gold,


But more like a brass engine,


Had a little number written on the side.


And there was a light right in the middle


That went off and on.


And there was a little stack, a smokestack,


And real smoke came out of it.


It had a little whistle. It went "toot-toot, toot-toot."


It was great.


All right, you want to know what?


The next morning, at christmas,


I got a pair of socks and a stupid sweater.


[ Sighs ]


Dinner's at :. Don't be late.


[ Door closes ]


Oh, I ate too much, but it was worth it.


Girl, everything was just delicious.


You put your foot in it, didn't you?


Mm-hmm -- both of them.


Nell, I know we promised we'd wait till christmas morning,


But I'm dying for you to open my gift.


Please. You know how I feel about this.


I don't like to open my christmas gift


Before christmas morning.


Where is the thing? Get it for me right quick.


I'm getting dishpan hands in there.


Oh, yeah?


Yeah, but that was the best dinner I ever had in my life.


Thank you.


Uh, listen, guys, I think you should go to bed,


You know, so santa can bring your gifts.


Yeah. I hear a reindeer coughing.



Yeah. Sure, uncle marty.


Let's go, matthew, 'cause the sooner we get to bed,


The sooner santa claus will be here!


Yay!


[ Laughter ]


Come on, open your gift. Open it up.


Well, I'm gonna get going now, okay?


No, no, no. You stay. I want you to listen to this.


It's so beautiful!


It's a music box -- just what I wanted.


I put this third on my list, you know.


Open it up.


I had our very favorite christmas song put on it.


You're kidding.


"Merry christmas, stranger"! "Merry christmas, stranger"!


I don't believe this! I've got to wind this up.


Oh, marty, you are gonna love this.


Why don't you come over here and just listen to us?


Oh, I don't believe this.


[ Introduction to "merry christmas, stranger" plays ]


♪ Merry christmas so far from home ♪


♪ Was making me feel so all alone ♪


♪ Happy new year wasn't looking bright ♪


♪ Till we got together here tonight ♪


♪ So merry christmas


♪ Turn out the lights


♪ This will be our best year, and it's starting tonight ♪


♪ Get out the tinsel and bring it here ♪


♪ You made my christmas so perfect, dear ♪


♪ We started out like strangers ♪


♪ Now you're my best friend ♪


♪ I'm her best friend


♪ And being with you makes me feel ♪


♪ Like I'm home again


♪ I'm home again


♪ So merry christmas, turn on the lights ♪


♪ This will be our best year, and it's starting tonight ♪


♪ And let this night never end


♪ Merry christmas, stranger


♪ Happy new year, friend


♪ Merry christmas


♪ Happy new year, friend


♪ Merry christmas


♪ Happy new year, friend


♪ Merry christmas


♪ Happy new year, friend


Oh, addy, I'm so excited! I'm so excited! It's a scarf.


Oh, thanks.


Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.


Honey, that's just what you needed.


It's just want I wanted.


You know, I put this third on my list, too.


Look what santa gave joey -- a basketball!


Ooh!


Hey, cool. Thanks, santa.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Matthew, get the door.


Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!


Merry christmas!


Merry christmas, marty!


Hey, uncle marty, I got the baseball bat!


So what did I tell you?


Now, next year, you move the pony down to third place.


Listen -- thanks again for last night, nell.


It was great.


You want to know something funny?


Everybody in the building gave me a fruitcake.


Hey, what's this present doing up here by the radiator?


It has your name on it, uncle marty.


For me? What are you talking about?


[ Clears throat ]


"To marty, from santa claus."


[ Clicks tongue ] you guys, come on.


[ Sighs ]


That's my choo-choo train.


Look.


There's the number on the side and...


There's the smokestack, where real smoke comes out of.


Isn't that beautiful?


Joey, joey!


Come look!


The window's open! Santa's been here!


Hey!


[ Bell jingles ]


What's this bell doing here?


It's from his sleigh.


Come look, uncle marty! It's from santa's sleigh!


[ Laughs ]


You old softy.


You went out and bought that train for marty.


I did not.


I -- wait a minute. I thought you did.


Why would I get him a train?


I gave him the rent.


Wait a minute, now.


If I didn't buy him that train...


And you didn't buy him that train...


You -- you don't really think that --


Girl, help me up.


I'll bet you santa dropped my diamond ring out there.



♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break