06x20 - Joey the Gigolo

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪



♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


Well, just call me a cockeyed optimist, samantha, darling, but I just naturally assumed


That you would want the woman who raised you,


The woman who gave you the very best years of her life,


To be with you for parents' week at your college.


Nell, isn't this the cutest picture of samantha?


Oh, samantha's such a sweet little girl.


Yeah? Oh, you're busy.


Samantha, look, honey.


I think you and I have the kind of relationship


Where we can be totally honest with each other, okay?


Now, if you don't want me to come,


All you have to do is tell me that you don't --


♪ Where is the little girl I cared for? ♪


Oh, nell, face it.


Samantha doesn't want you there for parents' week.


Now, just leave her alone.


She's hiding something. A mother knows.


What's she hiding?


How should I know?


Nell, maybe she has to study.


You know, when I was in college,


My roommate never invited her mother


To parents' week, either.


Of course, she was eight months pregnant.


[ Sighs ]


Is that supposed to comfort me?


[ Telephone rings ] I'll get that.


Hello?


Oh, may I say who's calling?


I'm not here.


[ Chuckles ] just a minute.


Nell, it's samantha's roommate's mother.


No! Please, please!


You got to tell her I'm not here.


Ooh, she finds I'm not going to parents' week,


She'll be laughing behind my back.


Oh, nell!


[ Gruff voice ] give me the phone.


[ Sweet voice ] hello, mrs. Carpenter.


Ah.


No.


Oh, what a shame.


You know, and I was so looking forward to seeing you.


[ Normal voice ] she can't go.


[ Sweet voice ] why, of course.


I'll be happy to. Sure, I'll stop by, okay?


Bye-bye.


What was that all about?


[ Normal voice ] well, mrs. Carpenter can't go to parents' week.


And she said since I was going,


Maybe I could stop by her house


And pick up a coat and take it to linda.


But you're not going to parents' week, nell.


Oh, addy. Addy, addy, addy, addy, addy.


Hi, linda.


[ Chuckles ]


Hi.


Hi. Are there any messages for me?


Uh, nope.


Oh, thank goodness nell didn't call.


I was expecting her to call again


And try and get me to change my mind


And let her come to parents' week.


Oh, linda. No!


Thank god I got here in time. Get down here, honey.


Get off the bed, honey.


You must be freezing to death.


Nell, what are you doing here?


Honey, your wonderful mama called


And said that she and your nice father


Couldn't get up here for parents' week


And would I be so sweet enough, you know,


To bring your coat to you, and, of course, I am sweet enough.


Nell, I told you not to come to parents' week.


Honey, don't think of me as a parent,


Think of me as united parcel.


There you go, sweetheart. You comfortable?


Well, sam, I would love to kiss you,


But I know how busy you are, so bye-bye, y'all, okay?


Bye, linda!


Bye.


And I thought she brought that jacket


As an excuse to stay.


Oh, goodness. I am so selfish.


I'm always just thinking about myself.



Would you get out of the way, please?


Honey, I was almost down in my car. Then I started thinking.


Here it is -- family week,


And you ain't got no family here.


I said, "that ain't right 'cause your aunt nell is here."


Here I am, baby. Now, where do I sleep?


This bed will do right here.


Nell!


Come over here, samantha. Come over here!


Now -- now that we're gonna be roomies,


You can tell me everything.


How pregnant are you?


[ Smooches ] see you at lunch.


Hi.


I see.


You're too busy,


But, yet, you have time to have lunch with a naked man.


Nell, that's eric.


The shower in his room is broken, so he's using ours.


Hah! We're just friends.


Hiya, sam. Hi, keith.


Keith, let me guess. Is your shower broken, too?


Yeah.


Oh, okay. Well, you can use ours.


Linda, could you get into my pants?


Nell...


Keith designs women's clothes for a hobby.


Keith, how can I get into these leather pants?


I'm the head of a campus organization


To help save the canadian moose.


Look, it's imitation leather.


I stripped the couch in the library.


Look, come on!


I just want you to try them on


So that I can see how they look,


And with your body, you'd make a terrific model.


Keith, I don't want to be a model.


The last thing in the world I think about is my body.


I wish I could say that.


I'm gonna take that shower now.


Thanks for your calculator, linda.


Oh, sure.


Nell, this is judy mitchell. She's from next door.


Hi, judy. Aren't you cute?


What a nice uniform.


Listen, I'll take two boxes of cookies.


Now, do you still have


The chocolate-covered mints this year?


No, I'm a cadet sergeant in rotc.


And she's also the captain


And star of the women's basketball team.


They're undefeated.


Oh.


That's one sport I've always wanted to play --


Basketball.


But my hands were too small.


Judy, I finally got russell to stop chasing me.


You can have your r*fle back.


It was nice meeting you.


I got to get to class. Bye!


Ow.


Well, honey, don't we have a class we need to get to, too?


I'm not telling you.


We've got english lit.


Oh, big mouth!


Oh, sam, please. I just want to see you in class.


You won't even know I'm there. Sam, please.


Sam! Honey, plea-- huh?


Sam!


[ Indistinct conversations ]


Oh, there you are! Doodles!


Don't call me "doodles."


I read your "hallmark of fiction,"


And it's brilliant, doodles.


Thank you, miss bennett,


And it is mr. Dudley in front of the class.


Will you autograph it for me, doodles?


Just leave the book, miss bennett.


And, I repeat, it is mr. Dudley in front of the class.


Write something dirty, mr. Doodles.


[ Smooches ]


[ School bell rings ]


Attention, class.


Seeing that it's parents' week,


I would like to welcome our visiting parents to english .


Thank you.


I am professor doodles -- dudley...


...head of the english department,


Chairmen of the scholarship committee,


Freshman class advisor,


And I make a stunning caesar salad.


[ Laughs ]


[ Laughs, cackles ]


Now, class, last week, we ended our discussion


With a review of chapter two


And a quick look at chapters three and four.


How many have had the chance to read those chapters?


You read "hallmarks of fiction"? Oh, yes.


Oh, I must say I am very impressed.


Are you a student of english literature, miss --



Harper.


No, actually, I work for a publishing company.


I work for mcdillon & loud.


I see.


Well, anyway, we turned that book down.


You see, I found the book


To have a very superficial and shallow overview.


Actually, it was really quite dull,


You know what I'm talking about?


It -- my little girl here -- this is sam, my baby.


She's in your class. She even told me that it was dull.


Well, why are you looking at me that way?


You did tell me it was dull, honey.


Anyway, professor, darling,


Now, you are head of the english department,


And I'm sure that if you want to use this book,


You must have a good reason.


Yes, miss harper.


I have a good reason, a very good reason --


Something you and the other lame-brains at mcdillon & loud


Obviously failed to see.


Now I know where the "loud" comes from.


I didn't realize you were a partner in the firm.


Now, you just back up, baby.


Oh, no. Oh, you just shut up.


I was just giving you my professional opinion.


Miss harper, this book is not only used in this class,


But in top universities across this great country of ours.


I should know. I wrote this book.


I, uh -- i-i, um --


I-i just guessed that --


I just naturally assumed that this is not the time


To try to find out from you [clears throat]


How samantha's doing in your class, is it?


Oh, linda, can I please talk to you


Before samantha gets back from judy's room?


I get the feeling she doesn't want me here.


Did I do something wrong?


Uh, I don't know. I don't know.


We're sneaking into the nuclear power plant.


Let's go.


Bye, nell.


Linda, please. Linda?


I'd hate to miss david letterman having stupid pet tricks.


Oh, shut up.


Did I leave my tooth--


I'll see you later.


Hi.


I-is this your toothbrush, nell?


Yes. Thank you, judy.


Okay...


Let's have it out just once and for all, okay?


Nell, eric and I love each other.


Huh?


He has a wonderful mind,


And, well, he's a brilliant writer


With a great future ahead of him, and...


Well, he -- he's a great kisser.


Here I am, thinking something terrible has gone on,


And now I found out that you're in love with a great kisser!


That's what college girls are supposed to be!


They're supposed to be in love with a great kisser!


[ Sobbing ] oh, samantha.


I'm so happy for you!


[ Wailing ]


Nell...


Nell, you know what?


I'm happy you came to parents' week.


Really?


[ Chuckling ] yeah.


Come on. Let's go to sleep.


He's a great kisser?


[ Chuckles ]


[ Sighs ]


W-well, sam, you got to promise me that you --


You're not gonna keep anything else from me.


I mean, you can't keep secrets from me, okay?


Okay, I promise.


You got to promise now that --


You know, you just can't keep nothing from me, okay?


All right, I promise.


Okay.


Good night, nell.


Good night, baby.


Nell?


Huh?


Eric and I are gonna drop out of school and get married.


[ Thump ]


[ Blow dryer whirring ] [ shouting ] sam, please. I'm not through talking to you!


Sam, you cannot throw away your college education!


Samantha! Sam, please, listen to me!


Nell, look! I already told you!


Eric's parents can't afford to send him to college anymore!


He has to go back and work on their farm in south dakota!


End of discussion!


Samantha, please.


Oh, I'm sorry. I think I dropped a contact lens in here.


You mind if I take a look around?


Go right ahead.


Make...my...day.



Nell!


Nell, you know eric wants to be a writer,


And if I go back and help on their farm in south dakota,


It will give him more time to work on his novel.


Sam, please! You cannot live on a farm!


Why not? I think it'll be fun to work on a farm.


Okay, fine.


But the first time you break a nail shoeing a horse,


Don't you come running back to me!


Sam, please, honey. Where you going?


I got to go to my english class!


But, sam, I'm not through talking!


Oh, you never are.


[ Chalk scraping ]


Dudleyshakespeare --


Comedies...tragedies.


With shakespeare,


If two or more characters have daggers, it's a tragedy.


One dagger is a comedy,


And poison is usually a miniseries


With richard chamberlain.


[ Laughs ]


Yes?


Professor dudley, a lot of people think


That sir francis bacon wrote all the shakespeare plays.


Yes, and to that, curtis, I say, bull puckey.


[ Chalk scraping ] "poor bacon could as easily have created the planets


As he could have written... 'Hamlet.'"


I want the whole class to memorize that phrase.


Now, tomorrow,


We begin our study of three shakespearean comedies.


I want you all to have a look-over...


[ Chalk scraping ] "a midsummer...


..."Night's...


...dream"...


[ Chalk scraping ] ..."A comedy...


"Of...


...errors."


And "much ado about nothing."


Class dismissed.


Miss harper, sit! Stay!


Professor, I'm really sorry, okay?


Miss harper, you have made a shambles of my class


Since the first day you walked into this room.


Now, who sent you here? My ex-wife?


No, professor. I just had to talk to my little girl.


She wants to run off to south dakota.


Well, my classroom is not the place


To discuss your travel arrangements.


You don't understand. She's only years old.


She's gonna ruin her life


If she gets married and runs off to south dakota.


Did it ever occur to you


That she may be moving there to get away from you?


In fact, I am seriously considering moving there myself.


You know, I think that is a terrible attitude!


And you probably make a lousy caesar salad, too!


Miss harper, criticizing my book is one thing,


But tread carefully on my caesar salad.


I'm sorry. Look, this is a cry for help, okay?


Miss harper, let me give you a little piece of advice.


I don't really want your -- ah, ah.


Parents can't live their children's lives for them.


That's what -- ah!


If your daughter wants to move to south dakota,


You are just going to have to let her go, go, go.


No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes.


Miss harper, when you were ,


Did your parents tell you how to live your life?


You're darned right!


And that's why I ran off with my trumpet player, anyway!


Need I say more?


I'm gonna have to let my little sam...


Go, go, go.


Damn, damn, damn.


May I ask you something?


Why do you always sit there?


I'm campus atmosphere.


Hi, keith.


Hi.


[ Coins rattling ]


[ Pop can rattles ]


Do you mind if I sit down?


No, go ahead.


Uh, look, keith...


I-i want to apologize


For slamming the door in your face.


I never do that.


It's all right.


I don't believe you, but that's all right.


It's been a lousy day all the way around.


[ Chuckles lightly ]


Yeah, it's been a pretty lousy day for me, too.


I've got to do the right thing by my little samantha.


I've got to let her go, go, go...


And it hurts.


Anyway, so, what's wrong with your day, honey?


Well, it's my father.


Yeah?


He hates the idea of my being a designer.



He wants me to be a teacher


Like every other tweed jacket in the family.


Oh ho ho, wait. Wait, keith.


Teaching is the most honorable profession in the world.


But, on the other hand,


Designing a summer skirt to go with some italian boots


Is more important.


You see, a designer's the perfect job for me.


I want to be another ralph lauren, calvin klein.


Yeah?


Well, honey, a wise man told me


That parents cannot live their lives through their children.


So you're just going to have to get your father


To let go, go, go.


Okay.


[ Smooches ] thanks.


Thank you.


I'm just gonna have to get the guts


To help me stand up to my father.


Well, honey, it'll be much easier than you thought,


But if he gives you any trouble at all,


You send that man to me.


Okay.


Well, I'll see you, okay?


[ Door closes ]


Hi, dad.


Hi, son.


Are you serious, nell? Go, go, go?


Yes, yes.


You know, I'm already looking forward


To christmas in sioux falls.


I love blizzards.


Nell, this is incredible! You're fantastic!


I know. Now, listen.


Just remember what you promised me, okay?


You're going to finish out the semester, right?


Yeah, I promise! I got to go tell eric the news!


Hey, just think.


In a few months, I'll no longer be samantha kanisky.


I'll be mrs. Eric schlossheimer.


Linda, I know we're playing mother and daughter this week,


But you're going too far.


[ Chuckles lightly ]


We're breaking into the biology department.


We're gonna free the lab animals.


Yeah?


Well, if you find them mistreating any mink,


I want you to bring them home to me.


[ Chuckles ]


I heard what you said to samantha.


That was very... Contemporary of you --


Dumb, but contemporary.


Excuse me -- "dumb"?


She's giving up her life at


So that he can have a career?


What's he doing for her?


Now, wait, wait, wait. You just back up, now, okay?


First of all, eric is taking her to south dakota,


Where she can get fresh eggs.


She can learn how to milk cows.


She can chop the heads off of chickens.


What am I saying?


Oh, my goodness.


I can't let samantha throw away her college education.


Nah, nah, nah, honey.


I got to find a way to stop this wedding.


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break