13x20 - Radio No You Didn't

[bunniefuu]

- LINDA: Dumb overstuffed closet...
- Hello.

I'm fancy dad shoe hands.

♪ Doo, doo-doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo. ♪

That's how Dad should wear them.

Oh. All of you... are in here.

Uh, I hope you don't mind,

I'm gonna get dressed now,

and there's gonna be nudity.

Yeah, we've seen that movie.

It doesn't scare us anymore.

(GRUNTING)

Uh, Lin, w-what are you doing?

I'm cleaning out our closet, Bob.

I tried to get a blanket
from the top shelf

and all this fell on me.

It was like Flashdance,

but instead of water splashing down,

it was all our junk.

There's too much stuff in here.

We got to get rid of some of it.

Like this. What is this?

- It's a humidifier.
- Oh, right. We got this

and then it got really,
really moist in here

and we got mold.

Add it to the list of
ways we've gotten mold.

(GRUNTS) Okay, and
then there's this thing.

- LOUISE: What's that?
- The world's first R-D?

Oh. No, that's my Grandma Alice's radio.

Your Grandma Alice's
unbelievably heavy radio.

What, does this thing have bricks in it?

Possibly? I-I think people used to
like things that were heavy.

I remember that radio. Sort of. Hi.

Bob, I know this is your grandma's,

but maybe it's time to say goodbye?

I mean, didn't the
guy at the repair shop

say it was totally unfixable?

- Like Dad's posture.
- Mm.

But Lin, we can't get rid of the radio.

It-It's a family heirloom.

This is an heirloom?

You guys couldn't have handed us down,

like, a bunch of fancy
gold forks or something?

Well, does it at least play MPs?

- BOB: Uh... no.
- GENE: Hmph.

When it worked, it had AM and FM,

and, uh, this one had shortwave.

Which is really cool.

You can listen to broadcasts
from all over the world.

- If it worked it could do that.
- Yes.

But it doesn't, 'cause it's broken.

Right. You know the story
behind this radio, right?

I-I know I've told it to you.

I remember that there was a story

and the radio was in it?

I kind of remember it.

It's about your grandmother
helping a soldier

with a badly b*rned face?

No, uh, I-I think that's
The English Patient.

I remember the story
about great-grandma.

There was something about a spy, right?

Wait, we have a family
story with a spy in it?

Why don't I know this?

I guess it's been a
while since I've told it.

You might've been pretty little.

Do you guys want me to tell it again?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

No, I don't want to hear
about our family spy story.

Yes, tell it again!

I mean, we were cleaning
the closet, but go ahead.

Okay, so, it was the summer
in during World w*r II...

When English patients were
losing their faces all over the place.

Um, sure. Anyway...

My grandmother Alice

lived in Red Point,
Brooklyn with her mother,

my great-grandmother Gertie.

There was a shipyard there

where they made submarines for the Navy.

Alice was a new mom to my mom, Lily,

- who was a baby at the time.
- (LILY CRYING)

LINDA: Aw. Baby mama.

BOB: And this is while Alice's husband,

my grandpa Billy, was overseas.

Men. Am I right?

I mean, he was a soldier.
Fighting in the w*r.

I guess that's a decent excuse.

- BOB: Lily was about six months old...
- (SHUSHING)

and she was waking up
a lot during the night...

LINDA: Oof, I remember those days.

I'm still mad at you kids about that.

Okay, baby, okay, all right.

(SHUSHING)

BOB: And once Lily got going,

nothing really calmed her down,

except for the static on the radio.

This very specific static.

My grandmother basically invented

the first white noise machine.

- GENE: So we're rich.
- BOB: Uh, no.

Ah, dang it. Where is it?

The baby's crying. A lot.

Yes. Thanks, Ma, that's helpful.

Hey, I would love it if
we could leave the radio

on the shortwave static
that Lily likes? Please?

Sure, but the problem is
that I like to listen to music

and people talking during the day

and my programs aren't on the
crying baby static channel.

Well, I'd move the radio into her room,

but who can move this thing? You know?

Somebody moved it.

They didn't build the
building around it.

(PIGEONS FLUTTERING)

Oop. Lily's got the pigeons going again.

BOB: Their apartment was on
the top floor of the building

and my grandfather Billy kept
a pigeon coop on the roof.

Alice and Gertie were taking
care of it while he was away.

GENE: Sounds like a recipe
for pigeon poop roof soup.

I'm gonna close the window.

We don't get to sleep, but
the rest of the neighborhood

shouldn't have to suffer.

Uh, no. Ma, no, it's boiling in here.

Uh, I don't want to
accidentally cook the baby.

I think it's frowned upon.

- (SOFT STATIC)
- There it is.

- Okay, okay, okay...
- (LILY QUIETS)

Oh, thank God.

All right, I'm going back to bed.

Good night, you little screamy mimi.

Good night. Good night, good night.

Hey, try listening to this
station during the day.

- (FUSSING QUIETLY)
- You might like it.

Okay, eyes are starting to close.

♪ Go to sleep ♪

Um...

♪ There's the guy that... ♪

♪ Like, I think his name is Rolo? ♪

♪ I never say it 'cause
I'm not confident ♪

♪ That it's Rolo ♪

♪ Why is he taking the
trash out so late at night? ♪

♪ Maybe it smells ♪

♪ And there's my neighbor Mr. Miller ♪

♪ Just leaving food
for the stray cats ♪

♪ And probably stray raccoons ♪

♪ I guess that all raccoons
are technically stray... ♪

LINDA: Aw. Old-timey raccoons.

More about them? No, no,
never mind, keep going.

♪ And there's my
other neighbor Peter ♪

♪ Coming home from the shipyard ♪

♪ Working kind of
late there, Peter ♪

♪ Second shift, probably ♪

♪ I'm running out
of stuff to sing. ♪

Oh, you're asleep. Thank God.

BOB: But a few hours
later, Lily woke up again.

- (CRYING)
- LOUISE: I feel like this story

is, like, % crying baby

and not enough percent spy.

BOB: Shh. I'm getting to that.

Oh, sweetie. It is : in the morning.

You should really try sleeping.

It's so great. Everybody's
talking about it.

Okay, here you go.

- (STATIC HISSING SOFTLY)
- Here's your static.

(MAN SPEAKING GERMAN ON RADIO)

Huh?

BOB: All of a sudden,
the static stopped

and Alice heard someone speaking German.

LOUISE: Yes. Spy.

Schofield boat company.

(GASPS)

BOB: Alice recognized

the name of the shipyard,

which was right at
the end of her street.

- (CRYING)
- Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

BOB: And then, because
the static had stopped,

Lily started to cry again.

Okay, it's okay. (SHUSHING)

- (LILY CRYING)
- (CRYING ECHOES THROUGH RADIO)

(GASPS)

BOB: But then something
really strange happened:

Alice heard Lily's
cry through the radio.

(PIGEONS FLUTTERING)

And then the pigeons
on the roof got riled up

because of Lily's crying.

And then Alice heard
the pigeons on the radio.

Which could only mean one thing.

Pigeons... don't like babies?

No. Or... maybe.

It meant that the radio transmission

was coming from the
roof of Alice's building.

Right above her head.

Oh, my God.

- A German spy is on my roof.
- LOUISE: Ha-ha!

GENE: Der Kommissar's in town. Uh-oh.

A spy on the roof. That's so much worse

than when we had that
squirrel in the attic.

- We named him Flowers.
- Ugh, I'm so glad we never heard

a German spy when we were
up at night with you kids

when you were babies.

The only thing I heard
were your dad's farts.

- And yours.
- Baby farts.

Dad. Story. Keep telling. Spy stuff. Go.

Right. So, Alice, who
was very, very brave...

Or so sleep-deprived that
she forgot what danger was...

Decided to put Lily in her
crib after she fell back asleep

and go up to the roof to investigate.

Okay, sweetie, I'll be right back.

Momma's gonna go see
if-if there's a German spy on the roof.

Not a big deal. Everything's fine.

BOB: Alice walked down the hallway

and up the stairs to the roof.

(CREAKS)

But the roof was empty,
except for the pigeons.

Uh, did you guys, uh, see him?

What'd he look like? Ugh.

I probably should've put on shoes.

Sorry, no offense.

BOB: But then something
caught Alice's eye.

There was a little bit of a shoe print

in the pigeon poop right near the coop.

- (GASPS)
- LINDA: Ooh, a poop print.

- TINA: A poop clue.
- GENE: I've left those before.

BOB: Alice went back downstairs,

wondering which one of her
neighbors could be the spy.

- GENE: Mort!
- BOB: Gene, Mort's our

neighbor and he's not a spy.

GENE: That's what he wants you to think.

BOB: Okay. On her way
back to her apartment,

- (GASPS)
- She ran into her neighbor Peter

who works at the shipyard.

And he seemed kind of nervous.

Uh, Alice. Uh, so sorry to startle you.

What, were you... up on the roof?

Uh, yeah? Were you... up on the roof?

- What? N-No.
- (STRAINED LAUGHTER) I'm joking.

Are you, um, heading
to work? It's so early.

Yeah, I'm doing a double shift today.

I'm working as much as I can these days.

That's-that's good. Good to make ships.

- We need 'em, 'cause of the w*r.
- Uh, yup.

Okay, well, I'd better go.

- Uh, have a good day.
- You, too.

Uh, are you looking at my feet?

Uh, my... back just went out.

(GROANING)

Oh. Should I, uh...

-Oh, my God, it's better. Silly back.
-Oh.

Anyway, good luck with making boats.

BOB: Alice went back to the
apartment and tried to get some sleep

before morning, but she couldn't.

At breakfast, she
told Gertie everything.

So, you heard a man speaking German

on the channel that only plays static?

Yes, and he mentioned the shipyard.

Uh-huh. And you saw a
footprint in some bird poop?

Yep. Up on the roof.

And you're sure you
weren't dreaming this?

Ma, this happened. I am % sure.

Alice, honey, look at
you. You're exhausted.

You poured coffee in your oatmeal

and you've been stirring it
for the last five minutes.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

I thought you were being more efficient

about breakfast or something.

Oh, my God.

Listen, I'm gonna go to the store

and pick up some groceries.

How about I bring Lily with me?

You can stay here. Take a little nap.

We won't gossip about you at all.

- Or at least I won't.
- Okay. Fine. I'll go lay down.

And we can talk about the
spy in our building later.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Your mommy's doing fine ♪

♪ Yes, she is. ♪

I am doing fine

and Lily's on my side,
Ma. She heard it, too.

BOB: After a nap, Alice
got the laundry off the line

and went into the
living room to fold it.

LOUISE: Ugh, don't fold
laundry, catch the spy.

Well, I guess even if there's a spy,

you still got to fold laundry.

I think the next James
Bond movie is about that?

Anyway... Alice looked out the window

and saw Peter coming home from work.

Which was strange, because
she'd never seen him come home

in the middle of the
day. And then another guy

who Alice didn't
recognize came up to Peter.

They shook hands, and the
guy started to hand Peter

what looked like a small package.

- GENE: Small package Peter.
- BOB: Gene.

Peter shook his head

and motioned for the guy to follow him.

They walked around the
corner and disappeared.

- LOUISE: A handoff!
- (GASPS) A handoff.

BOB: Alice... Again,
very brave person...

ran downstairs to see if
she could get a better look.

But when she got to the alley,

Peter was gone.

- And so was the mystery man.
- LINDA: Oh, my.

- GERTIE: Nice bathrobe, lady.
- Hmm?

Oh, hi, Ma.

Mr. Miller. Hello.

Hi, Alice.

I saw Mr. Miller at the store

and we walked back together.

He was just telling me about

the flowers he planted out front.

Right. Those are pretty, the flowers.

And, uh, what kind... would they be?

Delphiniums. They match
your mother's eyes.

Oh, well, more like my varicose veins.

Well, you do have the prettiest
varicose veins of anyone I know.

Mmm, yeah, well, I bet yours

aren't too shabby either, mister.

Gertie was gettin' flirty.

So, dear, what are you doing out here,

in your bathrobe?

Not that Lily's
embarrassed of you at all.

Oh. I just saw our neighbor Peter.

Another guy handed him something.

Is this about the spy stuff again?

Ma. Shush.

Ugh, my daughter thinks she heard

a German spy on our roof last night.

She eedsnay more eepslay.

You know, I thought I heard Fred Astaire

above my apartment,
but I think it's just

that my neighbors must
have extra loud shoes.

(LAUGHS) Extra loud
shoes. You're too much.

You should go up there
and thr*aten to Ginger them

right in the Rodgers,
if you know what I mean.

Huh. He's taking out
his trash again already?

Good lord, Alice, are you
keeping tabs on everyone?

You try to raise them
to be not too creepy

and look what you get.

Okay, I'm gonna go...
away from here, inside.

Uh, come on, Lily. Goodbye, Mr. Miller.

And also, Ma, I'm not creepy.

No one thinks that I'm creepy... at all.

Of course you're not, dear.

(SOFT STATIC PLAYING)

Alice, honey, should we turn off
the static since Lily's awake?

Well, I'm keeping it on in case
another spy broadcast comes through.

And before you say anything,
I know you think I'm being silly,

- but to you I just say... Meh.
- (COOS)

Yeah, you think that's
funny? Bluh, bluh. Mleh.

Okay, well, I'll leave you to it.

I'm going to Doris's apartment
to play cards with the girls.

We started gambling. I'm gonna
take them for all they're worth.

- Sounds fun.
- All right, I'll see you two later.

Good luck with your mom, Lily.

- Come and get me if she gets too weird.
- Bye, Ma.

Huh...

Peter, Peter, Peter,

what are you doing,
Mr. Secret Handoff Man?

(GASPS)

(PANTING)

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Where'd he go? Where is he?

Well, that wasn't good, right?

No, that did not seem good.

- (KNOCKING)
- (GASPS) Oh, God. Peter.

GENE: He can radio
secrets to the Germans,

but he can't call before
coming over? Rude n*zi.

Oh, I'm on pins and needles.

I know the story, sort of,

and I'm still on pins and needles.

- Me, too.
- Does anyone want some popcorn?

Can someone make some popcorn?

No. No popcorn. Father.
Continue. Please.

Okay, so Alice had just seen Peter

staring up at her from the sidewalk

and then there was a knock at the door.

Uh, who is it?

MR. MILLER: Hi, Alice, it's Mr. Miller.

Oh. Thank God.

Is your mother home? I had
something I wanted to give her.

Coming. Heh.

Oh, how pretty.

I bought them at a flower shop.

I would've picked the ones I planted,

but then... there'd be no flowers there.

Do you think she'll like
them or will she think

this is corny and start avoiding me?

I think she'll think it's
the perfect amount of corny.

Uh, Mom's at her girlfriend's
house, playing cards.

I think they're gambling?

You should watch out
for her, she's trouble.

- Oh, my.
- Come on in.

I'll put these in some water.

Do you want something to
drink? Do you want some tea?

Okay. Can I give you a hand?

Or can I hold the baby for you?

I raised four kids and six grandkids

and I hardly ever dropped them.

Yeah, okay. Sure. Thank you.

- (BABBLING)
- (COOING)

Uh, somebody's face is leaking.

Oh, heh. She only drools
on people she likes.

- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, then I'm flattered.

Hey, Mr. Miller, do you know
Peter from down the hall?

Have you ever seen him act... funny?

What, like a clown?

No. Not quite like a clown...

But more like cagey?

Why? Do you think he's a spy?

Eh... Maybe?

Well, one time I saw
him picking his nose

and then he pretended he
was just scratching it,

but we both know what I saw.

Oh. I'll get that. (GASPS)

And that's when Alice saw it.

She knew immediately
what that white smear was.

- LOUISE: Shoe poop.
- TINA: Shoop.

- Uh...
- What's that, hon?

Uh, I got surprised
by the, uh, the kettle.

Why do they make them
so loud? I'm right here.

You know? You don't got to, like,

scream and whistle so loud.

Well, no. You made a sound

and I said, "What's that, hon?"

and then the kettle started whistling.

So you must've made a
sound for some other reason.

Oh. You're right. Heh. Gosh.

It was so long ago,
I don't even remember.

Here, uh, l-let me, uh,
let me take, uh, Lily back.

I, uh, don't want her
spitting up on you. Again.

Uh, I-I can just take her back.

LINDA: Oh, good, yes,
take the baby back.

GENE: You want that baby
back baby back baby back.

- LOUISE: Gene.
- GENE: Sorry.

♪ ♪

(AWKWARD CHUCKLE)

You're gonna want to let that steep.

Unless you like just hot water
with a bag in it. (CHUCKLES)

BOB: At this point, there
is no doubt in Alice's mind

that Mr. Miller is the German spy

she heard over the radio.

LOUISE: And he knows that she knows?

BOB: Well, she's not sure
if he knows she knows.

TINA: She knows what she knows,

but she doesn't know
what he knows she knows.

BOB: Uh, yeah. Right.

GENE: And she definitely
shouldn't let her mom date him.

- Swipe left, Gertie.
- Aren't you going to sit?

Oh, yes. (STRAINED LAUGHTER) Of course.

- (RATTLING)
- Are you... okay?

Uh, yeah, uh-huh.

Oh. Oof, ugh, I got to
change Lily's diaper.

Really? I don't smell anything.

Oh, yeah. Sometimes
she's sneaky with 'em.

But there's definitely something there.

Um, I'll be right back.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna change her.

(LINE RINGING)

OPERATOR: Operator. How
may I direct your call?

- The police. I need the police.
- One moment please.

- (LINE RINGING)
- OFFICER: Police department.

Yes, hi, I have a
German spy in my kitchen.

A... a what? Can you speak
up? It's hard to hear you.

Well, I can't talk that loudly

because of the German spy
that's in my kitchen, right now.

All right. Uh, why do you
think this person is a spy?

'Cause of the pigeon poop on his shoes.

- Okay...
- It's from the roof.

Where the pigeons are.
That's where he sends

his messages in the middle of the night.

Sure. And what does he
say in these messages?

I don't know, I don't speak German.

- (BABBLING)
- Well, don't get testy, young lady.

Oh, do I hear a baby?

Yes. Yes, there's a baby.

That's nice. You must be pretty
sleepy most of the time, right?

Maybe you got mixed up
about this whole spy thing?

What? No. There is a spy
in my apartment, okay?

There you go getting testy again.

Ma'am, I got to take a real call.

You take care now.

No, no, no, no, no. Okay,
great. Thank you, bye.

- Hi.
- Were you calling somebody?

I... was calling... someplace...

because we ran out of baby powder.

So I called my...

mother at her friend's house

to pick some up on her way home.

Isn't that baby powder?

This? What was that... Oh, that one?

That baby powder is too powdery.

So, yup.

- Oops.
- (GASPS)

That's broken.

GENE: And that's the
problem with landlines.

Ugh, poor Alice. Stuck in a room
with a baby and a spy?

She must've have been terrified.

You know what I would do
if I was cornered by a spy?

- What?
- Diarrhea.

Out of fear or as a w*apon?

- Both.
- Good idea.

So, anyway, Mr. Miller had just ripped

the phone cord out of the wall

and Alice had to think fast.

I just called the police.
They're on their way.

It didn't sound like
they're on their way.

Uh... You know what?

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) I
mean, you're Mr. Miller.

My nice, old neighbor.

And that is... That's all I know.

- I'm not that old.
- I know, you're not elderly,

but compared to...
You know... Never mind.

Alice, I like you.

You're a nice lady.

And you've got little Lily, but...

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, please.

I'm... I'm a tired mom.

You know, people think I'm delusional.

My own mother doesn't
believe anything I say.

BOB: Alice looked around for a w*apon,

but all she had were nipples
and rectal thermometers.

GENE: Nipple him! Then take
his bottom's temperature.

LOUISE: Gene, shh.

I'm sorry, Alice.

Don't do anything rash,
Mr. Miller. Think of Lily.

Your-your mother will
take care of Lily.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,

she's a better
grandmother than a mother.

You got to trust me on this.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

- GERTIE: I'm back.
- Just then, Gertie came back home.

I forgot my wallet.

I walked all the way
to Doris's and she said,

"I hope you brought your money."

And I said, "Ah, I'll be right back."

Oh, Mr. Miller.

Oh, Gertie. Oh, dear.

Are you okay? You look... sweaty.

- Ma, he's the spy! He's the spy!
- Oh, Alice.

Oh, Alice!

BOB: Alice saw her chance.
She used her free arm

and all her strength

to tip the radio over
onto Mr. Miller's foot.

- (GRUNTING)
- (SCREAMING)

Run!

- (SCREAMING)
- (GRUNTING)

LOUISE: Yeah! Suck it, spy!

(GROANING)

Alice and Gertie got away, got help,

and called the police who tracked
down and arrested Mr. Miller,

whose real name was something
in German that I can't remember.

- Kraftwerk.
- (CHUCKLES) No.

And she broke up a n*zi spy ring.

They found the transmitter,
they got Mr. Miller,

and they got other spies eventually.

It was in the newspaper.

GENE: Online newspapers
or the other kind?

BOB: The other kind.

And it was my grandmother,
your great-grandmother.

Okay, we're never
getting rid of this radio.

And I'm not sure I want to share it

with Gene and Tina when I inherit it.

Mom, Dad, I'm the oldest.
I think you know what to do.

I'm gonna run away with it,
marry it, and start a family.

Wait, Dad, what happened
with Peter from the shipyard?

What was the deal with
the handoff and all that?

Oh. Yeah. Turns out, Peter was planning

to propose to his
girlfriend. And his brother

was a jeweler. The handoff Alice saw

was his brother giving him the ring.

And his girlfriend's building
was on the same block,

so he didn't want her to see
them and spoil the surprise.

TINA: Aw.

And that other neighbor guy

just had a lot of trash

that he had to take out all the time?

H-He turned out to be a serial k*ller.

- Really?
- No, uh, I'm kidding.

He just had a lot of garbage.

And baggage. I'm guessing.

Oh, Bob, I forgot how
amazing your grandma was.

I'm sorry I wanted you
to get rid of the radio.

You know I forget things.

Most of my brain is Dynasty trivia.

Yeah, she was amazing.
And holding on to the radio

helps keep the story alive, you know?

Well, I can't wait until I
get to take down a n*zi spy.

I'm assuming everyone in our
family will get that chance.

- I'll take down a n*zi spy.
- I'll take down Mort.

Aw, my courageous cutie
pies. You, too, Bobby.

I mean, not like Alice.

Hey, you could hold your own, mister.

You got some Alice in there. Trust me.

- I know you. Inside and out.
- TMI.

Also, Dad, maybe
don't make this about you?

But I... Yup.

Okay, so we're keeping the radio.

That's happening.

But what about all this other stuff?

What's this, a travel pillow?

We don't need this. We don't travel.

- Gimme that.
- Okay...

Oh, what about these slippers
that look like duck feet?

We can get rid of these, right?

I gave those to you for
your birthday last year.

You said you loved them.

Right. And I do.

Uh, should we just...

put everything back in the closet?

- BOB: Yeah.
- GENE: Yeah!

♪ I'd sit alone and
watch your light ♪

♪ My only friend
through teenage nights ♪

♪ And everything I had to know ♪

♪ I heard it on my radio ♪

♪ Radio ♪

♪ All we hear is radio ga ga ♪

♪ Radio goo goo ♪

♪ Radio ga ga ♪

♪ All we hear is radio ga ga ♪

♪ Radio blah blah ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So don't become
some background noise ♪

♪ A backdrop for
the girls and boys ♪

♪ Who just don't know,
or just don't care ♪

♪ And just complain
when you're not there ♪

♪ All we hear is radio ga ga ♪

♪ Radio goo goo ♪

♪ Radio ga ga ♪

♪ All we hear is radio ga ga ♪

♪ Radio blah blah ♪

♪ Radio, what's new? ♪

♪ ♪

LOUISE: Yeah! Suck it, spy!