Faye (2021)

[bunniefuu]

Thanks.

Thanks for waiting.

My therapist thinks that I

should stop talking to you.

Which is confusing because she's the one

who suggested I start talking

to you in the first place.

She thinks that I can't move on.

I need you.

And I know that you need me.

So...

I'm just gonna have to

find another therapist.

Ready?

Um, he was apparently dating

some girl at the time who,

whenever they would get in

an argument, she'd be like,

"Well, you've never even seen Casablanca"

As if that was some sort

of like a pre-requisite

for being in a relationship.

And I was just there that day

because I had family in town

and I needed to escape for a few hours.

But every time we would get in a fight

he would just look at me and go,

"Here's looking at you, kid."

And listen, I know

you haven't felt up to it,

but it is so important that

you keep your audience engaged.

They're worried about you.

You need to share your process.

Remember who you are.

Mhm.

You're Faye f*ckin' Ryan.

Say it with me, you invented the new TLC.

TL-

- TLSC.

Tender-

- Tender Love and Self Care.

T-L-S-C.

I hate to do this to you.

You know we all love

you here at Lighthouse,

and we really want to

continue publishing your work.

But sweetie, if you can't

get me a first draft

or at least the first three chapters

by the end of the month,

then I'm afraid we're

gonna have to drop you.

Wow, okay.

I thought I had 'til March.

I know what we should do.

I have a plan.

Look, I have a family cabin

that we never use this time of year,

it's in Louisiana, on the bayou.

It has everything you need.

I'll make sure it's stocked for a week.

What do you say?

Faye, you need to get out of town!

I used to love driving.

Every Saturday morning, when

Jacob and I first got married,

we would go golfing,

and I would just take a drive.

It honestly didn't even

matter where I was going,

I could be aimless.

I would roll down the windows

and blare my favorite music

that Jacob thought was

obnoxious, but that I loved.

I would stop at a fast food restaurant

and get french fries and just drive.

I loved it.

Now I hate it.

Hey, everybody.

You know, I've been pretty quiet on here,

but I just wanted to tell you that

I really appreciate all of your messages

and I'm still here.

And I just got to this amazing place,

'cause I'm going to be getting

back to writing this week,

so stay tuned.

Oh.

Score!

And I have a porch swing, so,

everything's gonna be fine.

Cool.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Joe, Randy.

Thanks for coming to my

peaceful writing retreat.

Come over for dinner, I'm makin' gumbo.

Just kidding, I don't know how to cook.

Wow.

Ugh.

Oh, Lord.

So, when I was 10 years old,

I was sitting in church with my family,

and when the entire congregation

bowed their heads to

pray, I remember thinking,

"Why are we looking down when we pray?

Like, isn't that where the devil lives?"

What the f*ck?

I mean, it's kinda cool, but why?

Okay, Emory.

Don't have any of my other books. Cool.

It's not like I've been a

best seller three times.

No thanks.

Wow, guys.

Really going to town over there.

If we're talking to God, why

aren't we looking up at him?

So then, I made this agreement

that every time I closed my eye,

or like I blinked, I would look up at God.

It would be like I was, you know saying

all of these little miniature

prayers throughout the day.

So, yeah, every time I

blinked, I'd look up at God,

and it turns out you blink

a lot during the day.

So then I was like okay,

I'm going to make this easier on myself.

Every time I blink and

swallow at the same time,

that's when I look up at God.

So then it became this thing,

and I developed a tic,

and then my mom told me

that I was making people

feel uncomfortable when I was doing it

and also she told me it wasn't pretty.

So, she obviously didn't know

I was trying to ensure my salvation.

You're just a bitch.

You're a hateful bitch.

I have OCD.

Chapter...

One.

What you mean to me, to me

But it's not that easy

Remember that time that

we went to the Everglades?

Yeah, that was fun.

This place kinda reminds me

of that, don't you think?

Do we have a ghost?

Piece of sh*t.

Sorry, babe, it's my mom.

Hey, mom.

Sweetheart, where are you?

We had dinner plans.

Ugh, um, sh*t, sorry.

Are you coming still?

You want Bobby to come pick you up?

No, I actually can't make it tonight,

I'm not in town.

Where are you?

I'm in Louisiana.

Louisiana?

At Emory's cabin for the week.

I have to write.

Oh, okay.

How did you get there, did you fly?

Uh, I drove.

But it's not that easy

Mom?

Well, your brother's here.

You tell him you're not coming.

You know I can't make it

through these family dinners without you.

Hi, Bobby.

Sorry to disappoint.

Calm down, I forgive you.

Hey, can I ask you a real question?

Nope, only a fake one.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, is Ellie there?

Don't you get

contractual bereavement?

Yeah, it's up.

Who decides

how much time that is?

That's bullshit.

El, honey.

Fifi!

Hi, babygirl.

Fifi, are you coming?

No, I'm sorry.

It'll have to be next time, okay?

Okay.

Hey, I heard you

started swimming lessons.

Do you like them?

Yeah.

But sometimes the other kids are mean.

Do you want me to k*ll them?

No, don't ever k*ll

anyone, that's not funny.

Fifi has had too much juice.

Don't tell your dad I said that?

Okay, I gotta go.

Why?

But Fifi loves you

so, so much, babygirl.

Love you.

Okay, can you put Gam back on?

Okay.

Gam!

Hey, hun.

Hey, Mom.

I gotta...

Faye?

Faye, you okay?

Yeah, hey, tell dad I love

you guys, but I gotta go.

Okay.

What?

The way Jacob and I met was

straight out of a rom-com movie.

It was...

We were the only two people

in this movie theater

for a matinee showing of Casablanca,

which if you've ever seen

that movie, you know,

doesn't really garner laughter.

But I was, and still am to a degree,

so uncomfortable with,

like, super romantic things

that I would just laugh, I

would uncontrollably laugh

throughout the entire movie.

Anyways, at the end of the movie

when the credits were rolling,

I just heard him yell from

the back of the theater,

"Well, that was the dumbest

piece of sh*t I've ever seen!"

And yeah, we walked out together,

and the rest was history.

How rude.

I bet it was you.

You seemed sketch since

the moment I saw you.

Babe!

Let's dance.

Hm?

Whoa.

Come on.

Come on!

Get up.

Fifi's had...

A lot of juice, you're

gonna have to hold me up.

Come on, come on.

Oh!

Mm.

Okay.

Babe?

Babe, let's go to bed.

Come on.

Babe!

Babe.

Stop!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, you did that.

No.

f*ck.

Oh my God.

Ah.

Oh my God.

Ah.

Why?

Why?

Ah.

What the f*ck?

Oh my God.

What the f*ck is that?

What?

Ugh.

Wow, Faye.

You're an alcoholic.

Hey!

Yesterday was great.

I wanted to tell you that I thik

you should post a few more

videos today for your followers.

Just remember to let them in on...

Emory?

I hope there's another one of these.

You know what's funny?

I've always been advised

by people in the industry

to be authentic.

You know, to share my truth.

Because they think that audiences somehow

can detect when somebody's being honest,

and if they're being honest,

then they'll be more attracted.

You know, I'll sell more

books, I'll be more popular.

Bullshit.

Why so sad?

I'll give you some water

after I go tell my fans

about my process.

What?

People hear what they want to hear.

Hey, everyone.

It is absolutely beautiful out here,

I wish you guys could

all see it in person.

But I just wanted to pop back in

and say that the book is going great.

I cannot wait for the day

that I get to share it with you.

Leave me a comment below,

and let me know what you're

excited about this week,

and I'm gonna go start a new chapter.

I'm gonna go start a new chapter.

Hey, babe?

Um, hey, I'm gonna go

take a walk really quick

if that's okay?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Babe, I promise, I'm fine.

Go start dinner, I'll

be there in a second.

You're fine, you're fine.

Okay.

Okay.

Faye, you're okay.

You're okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

When I was in 4th grade, Rachel Schaefer

invited me to one of her slumber parties.

I didn't have very many

friends when I was younger,

so I was super excited about it.

Anyways, when Rachel's parents

went up to go to sleep,

Rachel snuck upstairs and

grabbed the movie Halloween.

I remember trying my hardest

to act like I wasn't scared.

I thought maybe that would

make them all like me.

I woke up the next morning

covered in my own piss.

I found out years later

that they had dipped my hand

in warm water while I was sleeping.

Yeah, I f*cking hate Rachel Shaefer.

Should we have kids?

I know I said I didn't

want them, but maybe.

Are you sure you're not hungry?

I know, I know.

All work and no play makes Faye...

so tired.

You don't want to be here, do you?

It's okay, I can tell.

Should I just call Emory?

I should just call.

I should just call and say I'm done.

Let's just take the year off and travel.

I mean, we missed our honeymoon

because I was doing this sh*t.

Let's go live out your

Bizarre Foods fantasy.

What do you say?

I don't want this.

I want you.

Do you think I'm a good writer?

Be honest, do you really?

What was that?

What was that?

What was that?

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that?

Say something!

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm just gonna see what it is.

Okay, okay.

What is in this-who the

hell is in this house?

Get out, please, leave me alone.

Am I going crazy?

I'm gonna go check upstairs.

Hey, Jacob.

If you do this...

You know this

night is important to me...

Get in the closet, we'll just wait.

The movie Halloween was

super terrifying though.

For years I couldn't walk home from school

without looking over my shoulder

thinking that there was gonna be a man

in a white mask following me.

I don't know.

He was so calm.

You know, and he walked so slow,

I think that's what made it so terrifying,

he was gonna get what he wanted.

And I always thought it was so annoying

how everybody loved Jamie

Lee Curtis's character

because she survived.

You know, she like hides in

the closet and still survives.

I just wanted to scream

at people and be like,

"Surviving isn't fun!"

Like honestly, I'd rather be

the one that gets m*rder*d.

Holy sh*t.

Ah.

And this from the Times Book Review.

"Faye Ryan is what we

would get if Bren Brown

and Amy Schumer had a

semi-cynical little sister

who is simply wise beyond her years.

This time, Faye puts the grieving process

into a new perspective.

Both personal and heartbreaking,

Faye peppers the prose with

her signature dark humor,

albeit a little darker

than usual this go around.

We could all learn a lesson

in the dangers of loneliness,

as Faye writes like she's texting

her best friend late at night

in what is her most vulnerable

and raw work to date."

I actually kinda like that one.

Faye, guess what?

You're back up on the

Times Best Seller list.

Really?

Yes!

Why?

Because you're

engaging your audience, Faye.

They know you're writing again.

Everybody wants to get a head

start before the next one.

Keep it up!

So, how far along are we?

Um, it looks like two chapters.

Excellent.

Was the fridge stocked? Are you eating?

Is everything good up there?

Uh, yes, yeah.

Thank you again for that.

Okay, I'll check in tomorrow.

Hey, Em.

Yup?

Um...

Have you ever experienced

anything, like, paranormal here?

Oh, yeah,

there's a ghost for sure.

His name's Randy.

He's totally friendly.

Really?

What?

No!

It's just quiet out there.

You can hear the wind at night.

Hey, take it easy, Faye.

Okay, babe?

Okay, bye, Em.

Bye.

Okay.

Okay!

You got me!

You got me.

Come out!

Come on out!

Come out, come out, wherever yo!

Okay.

Well, if you're not gonna let me out,

then why don't you join

me for breakfast, huh?

Yeah, come on.

You think this is funny, right?

I could use a laugh.

So, why don't you tell me a joke?

Yeah.

Come on.

I'm waiting!

No.

You know what would be

better than breakfast?

You're gonna like this.

You want a drink?

Hm?

'Cause I do.

Yeah.

Let's have a drink, why don't

you come join me at the table?

Let's drink like a family.

I'm still waiting on my joke.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll start.

I'll start.

You ready for this one?

This is hilarious.

My husband was a saint.

And he f*ckin' d*ed in a

car crash because of me!

Yeah, I know!

Because I just had to go to another event

to win some dumb award for

another book that I wrote,

a book that I pulled

right on out of my ass.

Mm.

He didn't even want to go.

Huh-uh.

He probably didn't want to go

to any of them, but he did.

For me.

For me.

Now here I am, alive.

So alive!

Isn't that funny?

So, what do you do around here?

Just like, hang out?

Knock sh*t over?

You just go around slapping other people's

upper p*ssy area, you f*ckin' d*ck?

That was my me time.

Oh, wow.

Oh.

What's behind door number two?

Mm.

Oh.

That's good.

Okay!

I get it.

That's good, that's so funny!

You are so, okay.

A disturbed, young, self-help

author slash recent widow

finds a Ouija board and

dies in a cabin in the woods

while she's trying to

contact her dead husband!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

That's rich.

Listen, Captain Howdy.

I don't write fiction.

I write things that are

loosely based on the truth.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a narcissist

because I make everything about me,

but then other times I think

I can't be a narcissist

because I am literally the last person

that I want to be around.

Hey.

Hey, do you follow me on social?

How am I doing?

Did I tell you I'm a best seller?

Mhm, whoop-dee!

But we all know that success

doesn't mean anything

unless we have somebody to

share it with, right babe?

I got you, babe.

I got my baby and he is smokin' hot.

Mm.

Oh my God.

Let's take this sh*t-show live!

Hey, everybody.

I got a little writer's

retreat tip for you.

For one for your checklist.

Sometimes...

I forgot what I was gonna say.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes you have to get your

inspiration from the beyond!

Remember when every 12 year

old girl watched The Craft

and then played light as a

feather, stiff as a board?

We were all low-key in a coven.

So f*cked up!

I'm at my publisher's cabin,

and it turns out she made

a deal with the devil.

So, leave a comment below

if you's a witchy hoe.

Oh.

Emory!

What the f*ck are

you doing, are you drunk?

No, I'm enlightened.

Faye, so help me

God, take down that last post.

Sober up, get yourself together.

If I didn't care for you as much as I do,

I would fire your ass right now.

Do it.

Faye!

Do it!

Faye, you're on such

f*cking thin ice right now,

I will come down there if you

don't remove the last post,

and we will have to let you

go if you can't stop acting-

- You know, Emory-

- Like a five year old.

I got a deal for you.

How about I don't write this book.

How 'bout dat?

What the f*ck are you doing?

How 'bout dat?

Faye?

I understand that you're

having a rough day, okay?

Okay, I get that you're

re-living everything

to write this book.

You don't know sh*t, Emory.

Faye-

- Stop acting like you know what happened.

You're right,

I don't know, but you do.

And it's up to you to help other people

who are going through the same thing.

Let them know they're not alone.

Mhm.

Except for they are alone.

I'm alone.

You are not alone, Faye.

"You are not alone."

Remember when Michael Jackson

sang that song to Lisa Marie

and then they got a divorce,

and then she was alone?

Ah, and he got to keep Bubbles.

Those little boys, that was so f*cked up.

Faye.

Oh my God, I did love

that Free Willy song though.

Faye!

What?

I don't want to

stop you in your process,

but you cannot pull sh*t like this.

You'll be on TMZ tomorrow,

and your career will be over.

Oh no, that would be the worst!

Why don't you just take it down?

Hey, you take it down,

I'll give you my password.

Get a pen, get a paper, get your family,

get your husband, get your

things, write this down.

My password is "imapieceofshit123.

Okay, that's it.

I'm coming down there.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, don't worry about it,

I'll take it down, I promise.

Just, God, take a joke.

I'm not kidding, sober up.

Take a cold shower, and call me!

Okay.

Somebody has their panties in a wad.

Oh, okay.

Look at all you little witchy hoes.

I have to delete it, I'm sorry.

Hey.

Hey.

You want to play a game?

Yeah?

Okay.

Okay.

I just have to pee first.

Don't start without me.

I started writing when I was 9.

Yeah.

Every night before bed I

would write in my journal.

Felt like such an adult thing to do.

They're actually kind of cute

to look back and read now.

The problems I had back then were cute.

Did you wilt my flowers?

Rude.

Who are you?

Do I know you?

Jacob?

Is this Jacob?

Are you with him?

Please answer.

Please answer.

Hey, hun.

Mom?

Faye, what's wrong?

Did I make this happen?

What?

Honey, what are you talking abo?

Was I a bad kid or something?

What did I do, I don't understand!

Okay, calm down, just breathe.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

Just breathe.

You have to do that, okay?

Okay, Mom.

You're okay.

I'm scared.

Okay.

What are you scared of?

I don't know, I don't know, I-

- Okay, all right, it's okay.

Just breathe.

Okay, you're okay.

Everything is just so messed up.

You're okay.

It's not supposed to be like this,

I'm not supposed to be like this.

Faye?

What do you mean, baby?

He's suppose to be here.

Faye, honey, I know it hurts.

It hurts so f*cking bad.

And it's my fault.

Uh-uh, no, it

it is not your fault.

But if I just would've skipped the event

like he wanted to do,

then he would be here,

he would be here with me right now.

All right, Faye,

I'm gonna come get you.

No, no.

What's the address, where are you?

I need to finish.

Tell me how to find

you, you need to come home.

Honey, baby, you cannot

keep blaming yourself.

Only God knows why it happened.

Mom.

What, baby?

Faye?

I gotta go.

No, Faye, no.

I love you.

Faye, do...

Is this my punishment?

If you're gonna k*ll me, just do it!

No need to drag it out.

I already don't want

to be here, just do it!

Come on!

What are you?

Say something.

f*cking say something!

No, no, no, please, please,

please, please, please.

Oh God, God.

God, why? Why? Please!

Please, please!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Please, please, please stop.

Go away, go away!

Stop, stop.

Stop, stop.

Oh God, God, God, God.

Please, please, please stop.

Please!

Go away, go away, go away!

When I was younger, I mean like,

when I was really young,

I used to beg my parents to put a lock

on the outside of my bedroom door

because I was terrified

that I would sleepwalk

in the middle of the night,

and because I knew where all

the knives were in the home,

that maybe I would get them

and then I would m*rder my whole family.

It sounds weird when I say it out loud,

but I was terrified as a

little kid, I was so scared.

I was scared that maybe

subconsciously I was evil,

or there was something wrong with me,

or maybe I had impulses that

I didn't even know that I had,

and if I were sleeping,

I wouldn't be able to

control those impulses,

and I just...

Oh my God, I just remember

being so terrified

that maybe in the middle of

the night I could do that,

and I didn't want to.

Obviously it wasn't something

that I wanted to do,

I was just really scared of myself.

I think I'm still really scared.

Please.

God, if you're listening...

I need a miracle.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Jake.

I'm so sorry, baby.

Give me one more chance, and I swear,

I swear I won't f*ck it up.

I'll do anything, I will.

Can we just start over?

Can we please...

Just start over.

No, no.

Why?

Ah.

You want to know what

absolutely blows my mind?

Like sometimes I spend so

much time thinking about this.

Time doesn't exist.

It doesn't exist, it doesn't

exist in this linear way

that we experience it.

Like, everything is happening now.

Everything, every version of

myself that has ever existed

is happening right now.

But then that makes me really sad,

because then I wonder, well

then, do I always have Jacob?

Or have I never had him?

I don't know if that makes sense.

Okay.

That morning...

He turned off my alarm clock.

He knew that I couldn't sleep

in, I could never sleep in.

That wasn't an option for me.

My day was planned down to the minute,

but he turned off my alarm

and he let me sleep in

because he knew that I needed it.

And I was so mad at him.

I was so mad at him, I was so mad!

Why?

I was always so tired.

Remember?

You do.

I mean, if I would've known that

was his last morning, maybe...

I don't know, maybe I would've nicer?

But I'm not nice.

I'm not nice.

I don't have any friends.

I used to.

Jacob married me when I had

no money, but I had friends.

He married me before I was anyone.

And we would laugh.

Ugh, we would laugh about everything.

Like, if he was gonna die,

he should've d*ed laughing.

But I took that away from him.

Was this the last thing

he saw before he d*ed?

At least my outside matched my inside.

That's gonna leave a scar.

Faye?

Mom, please, no, please.

Don't come in, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Mom.

Faye, it's okay.

Mom, please just go.

I'm fine.

Unlock the door.

Baby, unlock the door, let me h.

I was supposed to have a baby.

We were gonna have a baby.

I didn't want it...

until I did.

But then it was too late.

I just...

Be careful what you wish for, Faye.

Faye, it's Em.

This isn't funny.

Where are my chapters?

Faye, it's Em.

Why aren't you answering, where are you?

Call me back as soon as

you get this message.

I know what I have to.

Stop!

You've just

finished your first book,

how do you feel?

Uh, you really want to?

I know how I feel,

I've never been more proud.

Aw, babe,

you're gonna make me cry.

What now?

What's the dream?

What does Faye L. Ryan want now

she's about to unleash

her words into the world.

You're so dumb.

Honestly?

Tell me.

I don't know what happens next,

but what I want is to

just make a difference.

If this book helps one person,

seriously, just one person,

then I'll know I've done

something worthwhile.

You heard it here

first, ladies and gentlemen.

Stop!

I love you.

Love you.

Hey, babe.

I know you're having a hard day,

so I'm picking up Indian

food, and I'm at Martin's now.

I can't remember which one

it is that you like better.

Is it the Prisoner or the Pessimist?

These are terrible names.

'Cause a pessimist is never disappointed.

That's actually good marketing.

Hey, babe.

I know you're having a hard day,

so I'm picking up Indian

food and I'm at Martin's now.

I can't remember which one

it is that you like better.

Is it the Prisoner or the-

- Hi everyone, this is a public

apology for lying to you.

I used to mean everything I said,

but somewhere along the

way I started to say

what people wanted to hear.

The version of me you see is...

Strong, put together, kind,

compassionate, a teacher, a healer.

All that.

And I was that.

I was.

When my book started getting popular,

people would tell me that I

had turned their lives around,

and I started feeling

responsible for a lot.

A lot of hearts.

And I felt like I couldn't make a mistake.

And there were so many people

telling me what to do all the time

that I forgot the sound of my own voice.

I was miserable.

And I took my misery out on

the people closest to me.

I pushed all of my real friends.

I pushed my husband away.

I was fighting with him

when I ran a red light

that caused the accident that k*lled him.

The truth is...

I'm a failure.

I'm supposed to be writing a book

about healing right now and...

I've come to realize that you

can only heal if you want to.

I don't want to, because

I don't deserve it.

I'm sorry I let you down.

Oh, Char.

Are you ever aware of when

you're taking something too far?

You know, like with anything.

It could be you're having

an argument with somebody

and you know that if you

just say that one thing,

that one thing...

That you could lose them forever.

Or if you just have one more

pill, just one more pill

or one more drink, you might not wake up.

I would never write this in

a book because quite frankly,

I wouldn't have a career if I did.

But I f*cking live for those moments.

This is another excerpt from the book.

"I have scars all over my body.

My healed wounds, my reminders.

I can't help but think

about that scene in Jaws

where Hooper, Quint, and Brody

sit around comparing scars.

This was a shark, this was a fight.

This one, she broke my heart.

And they laughed.

They laughed over old wounds together,

while the monster still lurks

in the depths of the ocean

right beneath their boat."

Hey.

Hey, Mom.

Are you still in Louisiana?

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back.

I'm actually just about to leave.

You finished up?

Mhm.

Really?

That's great.

Why don't you stop by on your way?

Yeah, that's actually...

That's actually why I'm calling.

I was wondering if maybe

I could come stay with you

for a little while.

I would love that.

Nothing would make me happier.

Yeah.

It's just, I could really use the company.

Come home, sweetheart.

I'll get your room ready.

Mhm.

Thank you.

Okay.

I love you.

Love you.

Bye, babe.

Bye.

"Life isn't easy,

and we're just bobbing

in the ebb and flow.

The cycle never ends,

but it's all important.

It all belongs.

The wins, the losses,

the fear, the laughter,

the pain, the heartbreak.

I've spent the last 6 months

talking to my dead husband,

pretending he was still

alive, like nothing happened.

But something did happen.

A tragedy happened.

The kind of story I've read

too many times to count,

but not one I could accept as my own.

I didn't want to heal,

because healing would mean

that I had to acknowledge

that I was broken.

And when something heals,

it doesn't mean it goes

back to its original state.

Jacob is never coming back.

My life will never be the same.

Grief is terrifying.

And it's never been

defeated by a one man army.

But, what if it's not

supposed to be a fight?"

That's it.

Are we...

Are we done?

Okay, thank you.