02x21 - Whodunnit

[bunniefuu]

As I said on the phone,
I'm Spencer Magnussen Cooke,

the new editor of the
Ulster County Review.

Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Spencer.

So what happened to Lewis,
if you don't mind me asking?

Screen-sharing incident.

He's now in rehab for p*rn addiction.

He, uh, wanted to spend
more time with his family.

Uh, now, let us talk about your podcast.

- I love it.
- He hates it.

Unfortunately, for budgetary reasons,

we are canceling it.

But we're in the middle of the season.

We haven't solved Alberta's m*rder yet.

Look, we don't want to
leave the fans hanging, so...

I am going to give you one
final episode to wrap things up.

But it has to be posted by tomorrow.

What? Why tomorrow?

He's flexing his power,
he has a sad home life.

Tax reasons, it's complicated.

Okay, so I guess I have one
day to solve Alberta's m*rder.

Thanks for coming in.

He didn't wash his hands
after he went to the bathroom.

♪ ♪

FLOWER: Hey, guys. What's going on?

I'm helping Pete check his email.

Pete, you have email?

I-I don't use it to contact anyone.

The creep factor for getting
an email from a dead person

is unfortunately pretty high.

Sure.

But if you sign up at the
Reader's Digest website,

they send you a free joke every day.

[CHUCKLING] Hey, hey, Flower, uh...

what did the buffalo say when
he dropped his kid off at school?

"Don't get in any vans"?

No. He-he said "bison."

[CHUCKLING]: Get it? Like "Bye, son"?

So he just said bye?

Ah, jiminy. I guess it's
more of a written thing.

Here, just look.

- [DINGING]
- Whoa, Pete,

you just got another email.

Bonus joke?

Man, the good folks at Reader's
Digest will just not rest.

No, it's from...

Prince Jones Dimka?

His eminency of the Republic of Nigeria?

A prince, emailing me?

"Urgent matter, open immediately."

Easier said than done.

[GROANING] Ah.

"Dear Pete Martino, it
is with great urgency

that I write to you from a
penal colony on Snake Island."

Oh, my God.

This prince needs our help.

This is the m*rder board.

This is what he's been doing all day?

So, this took eight hours, Jay?

It took a long time to find red string.

Target was closed,
Michael's was all out.

And, honestly, I kind of
just lost track of time

in the Yarn Barn. That place is amazing.

Man, seeing all this laid
out in one place like this,

really takes me back to that night.

I was invited to perform at
a party at Woodstone Mansion.

It was New Year's Eve.

♪ Let's do it, let's fall in love ♪

The joint was jumping. Ha-ha!

Folks were getting zozzled.

I was working the crowd

and my bootlegger boyfriend
was haggling with the homeowner

over payment for the night's booze.

Swinging party, Thomas.

Yes. Let's get you a drink.

Hetty, your son throw better
party than you used to.

Oh, of course, everyone's
in the mood to celebrate.

The stock market is roaring
and there's no end in sight.

is sure to be
the greatest year yet.

Mm. Woodstone driving a hard bargain?

Yeah, he's trying to change
the terms of our arrangement.

- After tonight, I'm done with him.
- Mm.

You know what I'm done with?

These uncomfortable-ass shoes.

[LAUGHTER]

The price we pay for fashion, Earl.

Oh, baby, it's just for a few hours.

And besides... you look great.

Mm. How great?

So great.

[LAUGHTER]

- All right, here we go.
- Indeed.

Wouldn't mind watching him go at it.

Them, I said them.

Sorry, baby, that'll
have to wait till later.

I got this one thing to take care of,

but I'll see you after the next set.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

ALBERTA: Mm. Putting on
those uncomfortable shoes

was my first mistake.

[KNOCKING]

I was about to make my second.

Somebody had left me a present.

Hmm. "Good luck"?

[SCOFFS] I don't need luck.

But I do love booze.

[LAUGHING]

THORFINN: So you just...

drink alcohol even though
no idea who gave it to you?

And you just traipsed through
a field wearing a metal helmet

during a lightning storm?

What's your point, Thor?
We all got here somehow.

So, we know that the bottle of
booze was laced with strychnine.

Now, let's go over the m*rder suspects.

Theresa, Alberta's sister,
who was there that night

as a member of Alberta's entourage.

The note that we found

in the bootlegged
whiskey in the wall says,

"My dearest Earl, I can't
wait for us to be together,

once we get rid of you-know-who,"

signed "T." T for Theresa? Could be.

We also know that shortly
after Alberta's death,

Theresa started dating Earl.

Damning evidence slash juicy gossip.

It can't have been Theresa.

There's no way my sister
would have done that.

I don't want to believe
it's true either,

but it would make a really
good end to the podcast.

Good for the podcast?

Purely from a storytelling standpoint.

THORFINN: Sam.

Looks like Jay has something here.

Oh, Jay, did you come up with something?

No, I just thought the m*rder
board was a little off balance.

Yeah.

That's better.

So the prince wants us
to send him , bucks

so he can bribe the
guards, get out of prison,

reclaim his fortune, and
then he'll pay us back?

Ooh, not just pay us back.

He's gonna give us
$ , for helping him.

Yeah, but this isn't about the money.

This is a guy who needs help.

And he reached out to me.

For some reason.

Should we tell Sam?

[CHUCKLING]: No, no, no.

Since the whole sexual possession

on Christmas "incident,"
I've been expressly banned

from using their computers.

You never told me that.

Now I'm an accessory. And for what?

Wholesome jokes curated by the
funniest people in the world?

So we're not gonna help the prince?

But he's the only one
who can rally the people

to take down the m*llitary junta.

I know, but what can we do?

Well, we can't just leave
him hanging. That's rude.

Should we just email him
back to say we're sorry?

Fine, okay.

He probably reached
out because he thinks

I'm still a living travel agent.

You know what people say.

When in trouble, call a travel agent.

I've never heard anyone say that.

Oh, it's a saying.

- Yeah, I've never heard that...
- It's a saying!

Okay, if it really was the sister,

I think somebody might want
to make this into a movie.

Really? Do you think
they'd let me write it?

It wasn't my sister. We have
a board full of suspects.

We haven't even looked into Clara yet.

All signs point to Clara.

Well, her name doesn't start with a "T."

Well, many signs point to Clara.

We know that she hated me
because I ratted her out.

And we know she was there that night.

And she was wearing a very big hat...

HETTY: Yes, because she was
trying to be inconspicuous.

Which is just what a m*rder*r would do.

Is a big hat inconspicuous
or like really conspicuous?

It is an interesting question.

More of a side trip, but
not one unworthy of taking.

But do you think Clara would
be mad enough to k*ll you?

I mean, you said she only
spent one night in jail.

Wait, she only spent one
night in jail for bootlegging?

I thought that was a major offense.

Well, it should have been.

Alcohol is highly addictive,

with none of the productive or
medicinal qualities of cocaine.

Now that you mention it, I guess
Clara did get off sort of light.

I wonder if they cut her a deal.

Maybe that's why she was there.

We know there was a bootlegging deal.

Maybe Clara was there to drop a dime

on Alberta and Earl to get revenge.

That would explain one kind of
weird detail about that night.

After Alberta's m*rder was called in,

the police arrived almost instantly.

So Clara was working with the cops

to get you arrested.

Which means she wasn't
there to k*ll you.

Which means we're back to Theresa.

Sorry, Alberta.

JAY: You know what?

I have a friend who works at CAA.

Maybe you want to talk to him
about this whole movie thing.

Really?

Although...

We don't know for sure yet.

But maybe do, like, an e-introduction,

just to get the ball rolling.

Oh, come on, there's got to be something

on this board that points
to someone besides my sister!

Unfortunately, there is a lot of yarn

pointing to your sister.

Next order of business: m*rder w*apon.

We know from Todd drinking the
booze and getting hospitalized

that Alberta was
poisoned with strychnine.

Where is that bearded historian?

Shouldn't he be here,
as cohost of the podcast?

We're doing just fine without
Todd. Thank you, Isaac.

I did call Todd, but he said

he was on a Disney cruise with his mom.

His mom's boyfriend Kyle
got a job as a Goofy.

I don't even want to know
what any of those words mean.

Hmm. Interesting.

Strychnine is the main
ingredient in rat poison.

They used to keep rat
poison in the basement here.

Wait, has anyone ever
talked to the basement ghosts

about what they saw that night?

I'll be honest.

I didn't know till very
recently that they could speak.

Hey, guys.

Got another email from the prince.

- What did he say?
- Is he mad at us?

No, he's not mad. But he is worried.

Things have deteriorated
at the penal colony.

He seems very desperate.

And now he's willing to pay us

grand if we wire him the thousand.

Doesn't matter if he could
give us a million smackers,

we don't have access to any money.

Well, that's not entirely true.

We could rob a bank.

Yes, Flower, we know.
You robbed a bank once.

Who told you? Was it Jan?

Was it Starburst?

No, what I'm saying is,
we don't have any money.

But Sam and Jay do.

And Jay uses the same
password for everything,

including his online banking account.

Oh, come on, I don't know.

FLOWER: I'm in. Even though
I've never committed a crime

and I definitely haven't robbed a bank.

We do this, everybody wins.

The prince is saved.

Sam and Jay get a huge payday,

and we get all the credit.

Eh, I just...

Pete, someone's in trouble.

Are you a travel agent or aren't you?

Gosh darn it, let's do it.

[CHEERING]

You want to know what happened

some random night years ago?

It wasn't a random night.

It was New Year's Eve, .

It was also the night I d*ed.

Does anybody remember
somebody suspicious

coming down and
grabbing some rat poison?

Hold on, rat poison?
Now that you mention it,

there was some guy
with a scar on his face.

Yeah, we notice when somebody

has something weird on their face.

They said that there was
a guy who took rat poison,

he had a scar on his face.

Oh, you don't think that
they mean Al Capone, do you?

You know...

Scarface?

I mean, he was there that night.

Ooh, and I did reject him.

Was this the guy that
they're talking about?

Oops.

Uh, yeah, that's him.

You know, he did seem kind of agitated.

Yeah, that's him.

He was right over there.

This'll teach Alberta to facepalm me.

Alberta, how could you
not think to tell us

you rejected Al Capone that night?

First of all, it was
a very light facepalm.

And secondly, old Al
was always hitting on me.

I didn't think anything of it.

Ooh, the famous gangster Al Capone.

Now that is a m*rder*r worthy

of someone like you, Alberta.

Oh, fame-on-fame crime.

That is juicy.

Aw, congrats on your
high-profile m*rder*r, Alberta.

I'm really happy for you.

FLOWER: Oh, I can't
wait to tell Sam and Jay.

They're going to be so happy with us.

The second the prince
transfers the money

back into the account, we tell them.

I'm so excited.

I mean, this could be
international news, right?

A freed prince?

Morley Safer's gonna be all over that.

That's actually a good idea.

I'm gonna google "Nigerian prince"

and see if it's in the news.

You know, the word
"hero" gets thrown around

pretty casually these days, but

I think you're looking at
three of them right here.

We are pretty great.

[GROANING]

- You done yet?
- I got one letter.

[BIRD CAWING]

Ah! Done.

- Uh-oh.
- What? Were we too late?

Did they execute the prince?

I don't think there was a prince.

What?

It's a scam.

And according to Google,
a very famous one.

PETE: So, Sam and Jay's money?

I think that's gone.

PETE: Gone? I feel so... dumb.

Okay, so he lied to us
about being a prince.

But at least we helped someone
get off of Snake Island.

And that's what's important.

I feel less dumb, but still.

I mean, this is huge.

Al Capone k*lled somebody in this house.

Do we put that on the website?

So this guy was so upset about Alberta

turning him down that he k*lled her?

That's what the facts say, Sass.

If he couldn't have me, no one could.

Well, this is an exciting conclusion

to this thrilling mystery.

Seems like we can put this one to bed.

Well, it looks like you guys
have got yourself enough yarn

to knit a jumper for Benjamin Franklin.

He was quite plump.

We're solving Alberta's m*rder.

We're under a strict deadline

because no one found
it interesting enough

to sustain a podcast.

NIGEL: Well, any leads?

It looks like it was the
famous gangster Al Capone.

Nigel just came in.

Oh, cheerio, guvnah.

- Yes, that never gets old.
- Pip, pip. Bob's your uncle.

Wait a moment.

I've seen this man before.

What are you doing?

If I can't have Alberta,

I don't want to live.

THERESA: Pull yourself together, Al.

No dame's worth it.

What are you doing?

Getting rid of this.

Now go back to the party,

and stop acting like a fool.

And pay your taxes,

that's gonna come back to haunt you.

And then the woman stopped Al
Capone from k*lling himself.

Whoa. If Capone didn't
k*ll Alberta, then who did?

Maybe woman who took bottle did.

We know she had poison.

Was the woman wearing a big hat

that was either conspicuous
or inconspicuous?

No, no interesting headwear to speak of.

So then it wasn't Clara.

Then who was it?

Who was the woman who
had the poisoned bottle?

It was her.

[GASPING]

Ah, it always feels good to
elicit a classic Higgintoot gasp.

You're saying that my
sister really did k*ll me?

I can't believe this.

I'm so sorry, Alberta.

She was my best friend.

I mean, I know we didn't
always get along, but...

I thought we at least
had each other's back.

But she k*lled me to be with Earl.

Men would come and
go, but we always said

we would grow old together.

But apparently that was all a lie.

And now I'm stuck with
this pain for eternity.

Your sister didn't k*ll you.

Yeah, I don't want to believe it either,

but the facts are what they are.

No, I am saying your
sister didn't k*ll you

because I know who actually did.

I have always known.

Do we think Yarn Barn takes
returns on opened packages?

Jay.

Hetty, what are you talking about?

She's saying she knows
who the k*ller is.

Mm. Was it the board?

Did the board get her there?

No. She's saying she's always known.

Board did nothing for no one.

Uh, Hetty, I-I don't understand.

Uh, who did it and how do you know?

Because I saw it all happen.

On the night of the party,

I was following my son Thomas around...

... when your sister approached
him with the poisoned bottle.

She informed him of
the attempted su1c1de

and he took possession
of the poisoned moonshine.

But instead of disposing of it...

he placed it outside
Alberta's dressing room,

knocked on the door, and slipped away.

Your k*ller was my son Thomas.

But why would he want to k*ll me?

I-I didn't even know the man.

Actually much harder to
k*ll a person you know.

Sometimes not even fun.

Well, You may not have known
the man, b-but he knew your man.

The note?

That "T" stands for Thomas.

My son and your bootlegger
boyfriend were lovers.

I mean, it's not not juicy.

So you're saying your son
was having an affair with Earl

and that's why he k*lled Alberta?

Whose son? There's no son on the board.

Wait, so you're saying...

Earl was two-timing me with Thomas?

HETTY: Do you remember the fight,

the one that you thought was a
dispute over a bootlegging deal?

Well, that's not what it was about.

Thomas was upset that Earl would not

break things off with
you as he had promised.

Instead, that night Earl
broke things off with Thomas.

That rhyme. Promise, Thomas. [CHUCKLES]

Not most important thing
right now but still noteworthy.

While still reeling,
someone handed my son

a bottle of poisoned booze.

He was spurned,

he was heartbroken,

and he lashed out at the woman he blamed

for his unhappiness, you.

Hetty, you've known this this
whole time and never told me?

Yes, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry, Alberta.

No, I'm sorry. Sorry I ever
considered you to be a friend.

I know it's not the time,

but I always thought that Thomas was gay

so I do consider this
a personal victory.

Again, acknowledged, not the time.

But very vindicating.

TREVOR: Sam, we're sorry.

You sent a scammer $ , of our money?

PETE: Well, we'll make
it up to you, somehow.

We could rob a bank.

I'm admitting it now. I've done it.

It's not that hard.

TREVOR: I don't want to point fingers,

but it all started with Pete begging me

- to set him up an email account.
- Oh, come on.

He's addicted to gentle comedy.

- The man's got a problem.
- Busted.

You guys are idiots.

Wait, what's happening?

I got a fraud alert on
my phone an hour ago.

I cancelled the transfer.

So we didn't lose any of your money?

No. But...

And I can't believe I
have to keep saying this,

stop using the computer

and never go into our bank accounts.

PETE: Absolutely.

I'm done with Reader's Digest.

I'll get my zingers elsewhere.

Look, don't b*at yourselves up too much.

A lot of people do fall
for these computer scams.

Usually they're older people,

but I guess you guys are old, in a way.

T-Money isn't old. You take that back.

You seen these thighs?

forever, babe.

Yeah, we've both got great thighs.

Couple of thigh guys.

- Shut up, Pete.
- Right.

Alberta.

I don't have anything
to say to you, Hetty.

Look...

first you were just an acquaintance,

whom my son had m*rder*d.

And then later you became
a dear, dear friend...

[EXHALES SHAKILY]

whom my son had m*rder*d.

Oh.

There just never seemed to be
the right time to bring it up.

Is this you trying to apologize?

Because I got to tell you,
you're very bad at this.

SASAPPIS: What did she say?

Can't really hear anything.

You got to move in closer.

Idiots, your heads are through the wall.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Okay if we stay?

- No.
- Okay.

Sorry.

[SIGHS] The thing is, Alberta,

I was ashamed to have raised a man

that would do that to you.

So you just say this and you
think it makes it all better?

Do you know how painful it's been

not knowing how I d*ed
for the last years?

No. No, I don't.

And I knew that telling you

might-might fracture our friendship.

Perhaps irreparably.

Then why'd you tell me?

I couldn't let you go on thinking

that your sister had
betrayed you like that.

Well, I'm glad my
sister didn't betray me.

But the person who's
come to be like one did.

And I don't know

if I'll ever get over that.

So you're saying you don't forgive me.

That's right.

NIGEL: What did she say?

I don't know, I couldn't
quite make it out.

NIGEL: I fear you're through the door.

Hmm?

Oh, yes,

I can see them. They're staring at me.

They do not seem pleased.

TREVOR: Who cares if Sam called us old?

I mean, maybe it's the
best of both worlds.

We get to be old, but we
still look young and hot.

A couple of young thigh guys.

Hey, should we get a
rack for these four g*ns?

g*ns are arms. You know what?
Just stop comparing our limbs.

Trevor's right.

I mean, yeah, maybe we got tricked,

but it didn't even end up costing us.

And we learned a
valuable lesson, you know?

If something seems too good
to be true, it probably is.

Exactly. We're not gonna fall

for one of those scams again.

Because unlike actual old people,

we still got our wits about us.

Hey, look.

It's that guy from that old TV show.

He's doing commercials now?

TV ANNOUNCER: Unlock the
power of a reverse mortgage.

What's a reverse mortgage?

TV ANNOUNCER: You get
the cash you need now

and you get to stay
in the home you love.

Hold up, they pay you for your house

but you get to keep it?

Uh, sign me up.

You know who we should sign up?

ALL: Sam and Jay!

[LAUGHTER]

They're gonna love this.