07x02 - The Naked Truth

All episode transcripts for the TV show "How I Met Your Mother". Aired from September 19, 2005, to March 31, 2014.*

Moderator: Cristina Nott

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"How I Met Your Mother" follows Ted's searches for the woman of his dreams in New York City, with the help of his four best friends, culminating in eventual happiness with his children's mother.
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07x02 - The Naked Truth

Post by bunniefuu »

Marshall: Oh my God, guys, I still have a hangover. Did I really ruin a marriage?

Ted: No, you did not ruin a marriage. Only reception.

Robin: And Miztva Bar next door.

Lily: And my dress. And your dress. You put a dress at one point.

Marshall: Ok, you know what, it's good. I'll be a father, and I want to be the kind of man that my child can watch. Therefore, new resolution... I will never drunk! I'm serious!

Ted (2030): Children, this is not your Uncle Marshall was a problem with the drink. But every time he was a good resolution, we knew about that...

Flashback

The day before, Marshall returned to the apartment, drunk.

Marshall: I've done it again!

Ted (2030): But I lost a bit in the story.

End flashback

Barney joined the others on crutches.

Lily: What happened to your leg?

Barney: Oh, nothing. I must have coffee with Nora. She is still angry, so I need some "sympathy points". She loves musicals, so I'll tell him that I fell off stage during a performance of "Man of La Mancha." What do you think?

Ted: Lose the cast.

Barney: A one-man show... I love it!

Lily: Let us be clear... this woman is angry against you because you lied to him. So your solution is to claim that you broke your leg?

Barney: You're right. A cervical neck brace! Thank you, Lil. I should have to talk to you soon. I trained all day with these crutches and one who has left in my hall is likely to need it.

Ted: Well, I have good news. As you know, I recently decided to start out and see the girls.

Flashback

Ted is at the newsstand and a woman reads the magazine in which it appears.

Woman: Is this you?

Ted: Uh, yes. Salvation. I'm Ted.

Woman: Hi.

End flashback

Lily: That's great, Ted.

Ted: It was a completely random moment. The kind that you can create yourself... At least I thought.

Flashback

Ted behind her magazine down and when a woman arrives.

Ted: Oh, no. How have I landed on it? Salvation. Ted Mosby. (With another woman) I plead guilty. Salvation. Ted Mosby. (And another) It's embarrassing. I will be on the cover of "An egg on my face" magazine. But I'm not. I'm on the cover of that one. Salvation. Ted Mosby.

End flashback

Ted: completely random 16 times in one day, and 16 of these, 10 were single. Of these 10, seven have loved what they saw. Of these seven, four were women. And these four, two have given me their real number. And I go with both.

Marshall's phone rings.

Marshall: Guys, this is Garrison Cootes.

Ted (2030): Children, Garrison Cootes was a major partner of Honeywell & Cootes. One of the largest environmental law firms in the United States.Marshall would have given anything to work there.

Marshall: If I did not work, I could finish... in kind, a Taco Belle somewhere. And nobody wants that. Unless you want to do this, like this you would have free tacos, since you are my friends. But now I need you all calmiez! (He finally won) Hello.

Garrison: Marshall, it's Garrison Cootes. Sorry for not having reminded you earlier but I was stuck. What's funny, because I'm literally stuck in a swamp. Well, anyway, here I am trying to collect some samples for this trial on the pollution that we are working.

Marshall: I love the work you do.

Garrison: It's a...

Marshall: No, I mean it.

Garrison: No, no, there is a crocodile a few meters from me. So I'll just ignore the warm urine running down my leg right now, and tell you that we are very interested in your case.

Marshall: He's interested!

Garrison: Obviously, we need to do some sort of verification purpose, you see, an investigation of crime and a Google search, but if nothing seems wrong to us, it takes you.

Marshall: It's fantastic, Mr Cootes!

Garrison: Well, I'm going. It's very funny because in fact I really have run away.

Marshall: The crocodile you saw?

Garrison: He is coming, yes.

GENERIC

Ted (2030): The next night, Barney and Nora saw each other for a coffee.Fortunately, without the neck brace ridiculous.

Barney: Hi Nora, thank you for coming.

Nora: What happened to your neck?

Barney: My naked...? Oh, that's nothing. I was playing in a One Man Show at Fiddler. There was this scene...

Nora: Wow, this one has a beautiful chest.

Barney, turning: What? Where? Oh, and sh*t.

Nora: Breasts...

Barney: Wait, Nora, waiting... No, please. I'm sorry.

Nora: What is wrong with you? What kind of people need to lie like that?

Barney: Someone who likes you, really. And suspicious, and probably accurately you do it over more later, and therefore he feels the need... I'm sorry, you spoke of this fantastic pair of tits, right? Because I seek, and I do not see them.

Ted returned to his apartment.

Ted: I just had two rencards following. With two adorable girls, four cappuccinos and wait... (2 minutes later...) I do not know which was the best. Here are the girls: Jessica is a student in Rhode Island, she traveled around the world, speaks four languages and plays the piano. Claire and fought for the bill. So I do not know. It is t*rture. You see, the two girls have the potential to be really special. They both deserve a second round.

Lily: Wait a minute. You're going to handle two girls at once? You do not think you should pick one before it gets too serious?

Ted: Define "serious".

Lily: Well, it's complicated. I think it would be when you have expectations, emotional involvement...

Marshall: Third base. Seriously, third base.

Ted: So I can go to the second two with no problem?

Marshall: Treat yourself my friend. Treat yourself. Oh no.

Ted (2030): Since Mr. Cootes had mentioned the investigation, Marshall ran through internet. The majority of what he found was touching, seeing truly extraordinary, until...

Marshall: Poor. This is very bad.

Girl: Thank you, Stacy. Wesleyan has a cafeteria. Thank you to the generous donation of... Marshall arrives on camera, naked.

Marshall: Oh! Oh! Someone there mentioned generous donation? I'm Marshall Eriksen. But you can call me Biercules!

Lily: Well, it could be anyone. And thin, I had forgotten this story Biercules.Who made this site first?

Marshall: Pete Durkenson.

Ted: Of course.

Robin: This is the guy who convinced you to run around campus naked?

Marshall: I wanted to join a club that I left three days later, because the clubs are stupid and elitist. And I also discovered that it was not a club.

Ted: Oh my God. This is huge! I am invited to the Ball of Architects, the annual gala honoring the greatest architects of the city. Oh no. You guys see the problem?

Robin: This is an annual gala that honors the greatest architects of the city?

Ted: Robin, this is the biggest celebrity event of the year. In taking a girl at the ball, man, you reached third base. Whatever the girl I invite, it will be the steady girlfriend of Ted Mosby by the end of the evening. Ok, we stop to sit between two chairs. Robin, bring me my notebook. It's time to make lists of pros and cons.

Ted (2030): And the children they loved.

Nora: Let me clarify something for you. I do not date guys who lie to me.

Barney: Okay, I did not know. Mea culpa. So, from now, more lies. I never lie to you. I'm serious. Ask me anything.

Nora: OK Have you ever managed to get in bed with a woman that you lied?

Barney: Have I ever... If I'm totally honest... Yes.

Nora: More than once?

Barney: More than once... Wow, this is... I guess if we... so, technically, there were a number of times I've lied to a woman to sleep with her.

Nora: They were worth what?

Barney: Nine or ten for most. There has been a 4 once. It was an easy girl.But, Nora, after that, I had to flee so fast. Honesty is good.

Nora: What was the lie?

Barney: You want me to tell all the lies I have told to put a woman in my bed?

Nora: A bed or any other place where you're sent into the air.

Barney: You are good.

Marshall goes to meet Pete.

Marshall: Pete, Pete. Hey!

Pete: Biercules! Come here, man.

Marshall: Hey, I tried to call you all night.

Pete: My God, sorry. I should have responded but it was Thursday night.

Marshall: It is Sunday.

Pete: And you know what that means. "Edward bottles with money"!

Ted (2030): Children, Edward bottles for money is a game that involves taping two bottles of liquor at the base of the hands. The goal is to finish the two bottles. Oh my God, why am I telling you this? Good move.

Marshall: Ok, you know this old video of me?

Pete: I watch it every day.

Marshall: You have to take away the internet. Genre immediately.

Pete: There are two ways for me to do it: Either you give me $ 4 million, or help me to go to the bathroom because I can not...

Marshall: Yes, both are non-negotiable refusal.

Pete: So, I'm sorry we could not handle together. But if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of the game "to Edward bottles of money," and the competition is raised.

Marshall: Who are you playing anyway?

Pete: Just myself.

Ted (2030): Meanwhile, Barney continued to list every lie he used to sleep.

Barney: I do not have time to explain how I got there. I just need someone to suck the poison. The surgeon gave me a new face, darling. You realize that I am alive? My name is David Beckham. If I castais only the white swan, is the role for you. No, I am a lesbian. What I wear is just very realistic.

Nora: Ok, let's move. What was the worst? The best of the worst? The cream of the crop?

Barney: Oh, once I am the soul man. There was this pretty girl who only go out with black.

Woman: Barney! Oh no, I knew it.
Ted, Lily and Robin are in the apartment.

Ted: I can not choose. They are both extraordinary.

Robin: If architects had only two b*ll*ts, eh Ted?

Lily: I knew it. Ted, left or right?

Ted: Yes, yes, good idea. Let fate decide? I will choose the left.

Lily, slapping him: Just called one of the two.

Robin: Ted, to your heart, you know that you love one more than the other.Believe me, takes the other.

Ted: Uh, I have perhaps not been clear is the... Robin Ball Architects.This event is a very hip.

Robin: Ok, name one celebrity who will be there.

Ted: Lenny Kravitz.

Robin: Lenny Kravitz will be there?

Ted: Yes. He is there every year. And it's a rock star.

Robin: You know, Ted, in hindsight, it is too early to choose between these two girls. Takes a friend. Like, I dunno, maybe a friend who has a poster of Lenny Kravitz on his wall, and may or may not have dated this post and transported from his high school...

Ted: This list of pros and cons leads to nothing. I need a color scale.

Lily and Robin: Scale of colors!

Ted (2030): And the children, we really sang.

Marshall: Pete, please. I am unemployed. I have a huge mortgage. A baby arriving. And I'm about to lose a job that I really need because of a drunken video of 15 years ago.

Pete: Ugh, you mean? Biercules, what's going on? Looks like you're another person. The guy in this video was cool. It had potential. It could have been president of a club one day.

Marshall: There is no club.

Pete: There he is just a troublemaker.

Marshall: It's not that I want to be a troublemaker. Fair, I must be one. I'll be a dad. You have children one day, you will understand.

Pete: Dude, I have 4 children.

Marshall: Pete, please, remove the video.

Pete: Ok, Biercules, I will remove it. If... you can b*at me to the game of my choice.

Marshall: Oh no.

Pete: And I choose the beautiful game, the sweet science...

Marshall: Pete, please, I'm tired...

Pete: The sport of kings...

Marshall: I do not want to play Edward bottles money.

Pete: I was going to the darts, but it's Edward bottles to money!

Barney: And that made all the lies related to space. Let the world of sports. Oh wait, I forgot for a space: "I was bitten by a snake space. You have to suck all the poison around my... "

Nora: Okay, Barney, I have things to work tomorrow at 8 am which means I have just enough time to spend 11h in my shower to wash away all that.

Barney: So that was cool. I can remember, or...?

Nora: Barney, you're funny, beautiful, and really nice. But you are also a sociopath.

Barney: Well, I count three for and one against.

Nora: How can you still believe you have a chance with me?

Barney: Because you are sat here all night. You could leave, but you did not. Listen, Nora, these lies, it was the old me. But I swear I try to change.You... make me want to change.

Nora: How I know this is not a lie?

Barney: I will prove it. I'll show you how much I'm serious. I will not leave this restaurant as I have not got a second date with you.

Nora: Goodbye Barney.

Barney: I do not laugh. It is a restaurant 24h/24. I will stay forever if necessary. And I will. Just water for me please.

Ted shows the color scale to Lily and Robin.

Ted: Ok, so the red bar indicates the level of attractiveness, blue, intellectual stimulation, green, emotional connection, yellow, compatibility aspirations of life, and purple, so she tried to pay or not.

Lily: Well, it looks like Jessica wins in the first four categories.

Ted: Do not fight in...

Robin leaves his room in evening dress.

Robin: Oh, that? It's nothing. It cost me three months' rent, and uh, I have never worn because I bought it for a big party to which you would have asked what did not happen. But, you know what? Do not feel guilty.

Ted: What big event?

Robin: This thing with your uncle.

Ted: His funeral? It fell into the water, he emerged miraculously from his coma.

Robin: And I forgive you. Now I can have my place and meet Lenny Kravitz?

Marshall returned to the apartment, drunk.

Marshall: I've done it again!

Lily: Oh, dear. You're still drunk. I can not believe that I made the bet.

Marshall: Just to be clear, "I've done it again!"... Am not referring to my current state of inebriation.

Lily: What does it therefore reference?

Video shows Marshall, nude with two bottles taped hands.

Marshall: My name is Marshall Eriksen. I'm 33 and if my potential future employer, Garrison Cootes, look at this... Prostrate to Biercules!

Lily: Well... it could be anyone...

The phone rings but Pete it in the hands taped to the bottles.

Pete: Oh, God...

Lily is on the phone.

Lily: Pete, it's Lily Aldrin. I'll be brief. You're going out this video of Marshall. You know why? Because I am friends with three girls with whom you came to school, and girls say it all together. Every small detail.Huh. So... tick, tick... Pete so goes the clock in the little d*ck.

Ted: Pete has a small d*ck?

Lily: I have no idea. Well, what do you take?

Marshall: It had to happen eventually. I tried so hard to suppress my... "side-idiot-who-is-not-care-for nothing" he rebelled and has struggled!

Robin: It's for sure!

Marshall's voice: Look at me! I am a windmill!

Marshall: Who do I crazy? I'm not ready to be a father. I thought I was, but it's like... My father never did such things, you know?

Lily: But if he did, you would love all the same. And to be honest, you do not love to come across a video of him running down the street naked shouting, "Hey, Marshall, look at me! I have a stalactite on the head! "

Barney rises behind Marshall and Lily.

Barney: Oh! Hi guys! Oh! My neck! Uh... oh! Hey! Look at this!

Robin: Barney, what are you doing here?

Barney: Oh, I told Nora that I would not leave until I have no second appointment, and I intend to do. I am here since 9 o'clock. I still need another minute. Say I'm crazy, but I'll stay here as long as it will not be returned.

Ted: That's what I want. Barney's feelings for Nora, I want to feel again. I do not want to choose between two girls. I want to be completely baba one of the two.

Lily: Yes, the stupid thing that makes us turn the head, pretty cool.

Marshall: It's not bad. Also, for posterity, a statement drunk guy! I would not drink again.

Ted (2030): And of course...

Flashback

Barney and Marshall are at the casino.

Marshall: Carpet Biercules! Yeah!

Ted (2030): But again, I digress.

End flashback

The next day the phone rings Marshall.

Marshall: Hello?

Garrison: Marshall! Garrison Cootes.

Marshall: Yes, Mr Cootes. How are you?

Garrison: I wanted you to know we had conducted our inquiries, and there is something annoying.

Marshall: Sir, the fact is that...

Garrison: The rainbow in this sample is definitely related to chemical plants. Ok, I... Skip a line... We love you! It takes you.

Marshall: It's fantastic. Thank you, Mr Cootes.

Garrison: Well, nothing. Oh, and when you're in the office, try to wear something Biercules. Ok? Wow, that was a big snake.

Marshall: Oh, there was a snake in the swamp?

Garrison: No, I was talking about your penis. See you tomorrow.

Marshall: I got the job.

Lily: Yes!

Marshall: And I think my boss is already sexually harassing me. But he saw the video and he does not care!

Lily: Saw what? Maybe the video is not so bad after all.

Marshall's phone rings again.

Marshall: Yes. Hello?

Pete: Hey Marshall, I'm Pete Durkenson. We all went to Wesleyan.

Marshall: Yes, no, I know. Pete, we drank together yesterday.

Pete: Absolutely, now, the message from Lily makes sense. Listen, do not worry Bro ', I remove the video.

Marshall: You know what? Let her.

Pete: As you wish, Biercules. (He hangs up and is in an operating room with a man on the table) Scalpel.

Marshall: You know what? That's good. I want my children to see every part of me.

Lily: Yes. Even the side where you route the East Village naked.

Marshall: I will remember Pete.

Lily: It's a good idea.

Ted (2030): That night, I brought Robin Bal.

Robin: Thanks for taking me.

Ted: The pleasure is mine. And you know, you might find it interesting.Some of these guys represent the history of New York.

Robin: Yes, yes. Where is Lenny Kravitz?

Ted: Right there. Leonard Kravitz, world-renowned architect. This guy is a star. He will make his famous reading of 90 minutes on the beams.

Robin: Well, great. I'll go find one myself and hang myself.

Ted: Ok

Ted (2030): Children, you can not control when falling in love. It does not take days to think about. When this happens, you know quickly and with absolute certainty. I had forgotten. But reminded myself it was going.

END
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