07x08 - The Slutty Pumpkin Returns

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Kids, for years, your Uncle Barney had reveled in mocking Aunt Robin's Canadian heritage.

To have to grow up in Canada... with America right there.

It's like an entire country without a tailor.

Why? Why do we let you be a country?!

Narrator: But all that was about to change.

I was on Facebook.

Nobody cool's on Facebook anymore.

Well, you know who is on Facebook now?

Everybody's parents.

And I just happen to be friends with Barney's long-lost father, Mr. Jerome Whitaker.

Me, too.

He's gotten really good at Bejeweled Blitz.

And guess who thought my status update about Manitoba was so interesting because his mother was born in Manitoba?

What?

Which means your grandmother...

No...

Which makes you...

Don't say it!

...one-quarter Canadian!

("Oh, Canada" plays)

Welcome to the tribe, hoser!

No... it's not true!

That's impossible!

(gasps)

♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x08 ♪

The Slutty Pumpkin Returns

Original Air Date on October 31, 2011

Narrator: Once upon a time at a Halloween party, I met a girl dressed like a pumpkin... a slutty pumpkin.

And she was extraordinary.

But she gave me her number on a Kit Kat bar,

which was tragically given away

as Halloween candy.

So every year I return to that same party hoping I'd see her again.

But with every passing October,

that hope grew a little dimmer.

Then one day, after ten years of searching...

This might sound creepy, but do you have a record of who rented it in 2001?

Wow, that was easy.

You're not the first lovelorn young man to walk through that door.

Three girls got proposals off my wife's slutty artichoke costume.

Two others disappeared, but I focus on the positive.

I couldn't believe it. I actually had her address.

I knew I had to play this right.

It's not like I could just walk

up and knock on her door.

Hi, you probably don't remember me, but...

Halloween, ten years ago.

Now that's a slow play.

The next day, Lily and Marshall headed out to Lily's grandparents for dinner.

Marshall loved it out in the 'burbs.

Look how many fireflies I caught!

Don't forget to poke holes in the jar this time.

Now we have a nice surprise for you.

Whatever it is, we're saying no.

What?

You know what.

Every time we're here, my grandparents stick us with some big old piece of junk they're getting rid of.

It's like the world's worst Showcase Showdown.

It's a perfectly usable lawnmower!

(laughs gleefully)

We live in an apartment!

But maybe someday when we move to the suburbs...

We're never moving to the suburbs!

And you also get... this skinny microphone!

Oh!

Before we head out to our place in Florida, we wanted to give our favorite granddaughter a little something.

Ooh, it's so small. I love it!

A key?

We're giving you the house.

Lily, I know you've always hated the suburbs...

We'll take it!

Narrator: For my first date with the slutty pumpkin, I took her someplace special.

Ted, this is so romantic.

The spot where we first met ten years ago.

Do you remember the song that was playing that night?

I remember how beautiful you looked.

♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪
♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry." ♪

Is that, uh, the Barenaked Ladies, huh?

♪ Five days since you laughed at me ♪
♪ Saying, "Get that together. Come back and see me." ♪

Kids, it took me ten years, but I finally kissed her.

And it was... terrible.

Lily, you hate the suburbs.

I know, but my grandparents giving us a house right when the baby's on the way?

It's perfect timing.

This is great. I'm finally gonna be able to barbecue with proper ventilation.

Marshall! (coughing)

We're moving to the suburbs, baby!

Oh...

Okay.

Baby, you're not moving to the suburbs.

Why not?

Lily is only agreeing to all this because of Pregnancy Brain.

Pregnancy Brain? That's not a thing.

It's totally a thing.

Her brain is marinating in a cocktail of hormones, mood swings and jacked-up nesting instincts.

I mean, yes, right now Lily is a goddess bestowing the miracle of life, but damn, she dumb!

Well, I have noticed some stuff.

I can't find my keys or wallet anywhere!

I found them... here in the freezer.

Hey, but where are the ice cube trays?

No idea.

(sobbing): Those poor ice cubes!

I guess she has been a little off lately.

A little? She just texted me wanting directions back from the bathroom.

Oh. We're over here!

You're doing great, sweetie!

That moron should not be making big life decisions right now.

If you let her move to the suburbs, it would be like taking advantage of a helpless drunk chick.

What? Where?!

Oh, I got a girlfriend, right.

Baby, we should put off moving.

Why?

Because I think the pregnancy is affecting your judgment.

No, Marshall, this is an amazing opportunity that we have to take advantage of!

Just because my body is growing a fungus...

Fetus.

...doesn't mean that my metal factories...

Meal faculties.

...are in any way funicular.

No idea.

Mmm... (slurps)

This is nice. What is this?

Canadian whiskey.

I want scotch!

American scotch from Scotland!

Get that swill away from me!

(hisses)

Why are you doing this to me?

You have been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snow blower.

So now this Canuck's gonna b*at on you like the drummer from Yukon Blonde hopped up on Timbits.

Hey.

Hey!

How was your big date with the Snuffy Tuffkin?

The Sniffy Napkin?

The Slouchy Foreskin?

Lily tie-tie.

It was good... ish.

Look, there's Orion's Belt.

Oh.

Why does holding hands feel this weird?

Should our fingers not intertwine?

What's causing that pinching feeling?

I'll just cup her hand.

There. That's... not great.

Her hair's up my nose.

Her shoulder's jabbing into my windpipe.

Maybe if we reposition.

I have to say something.

She must be feeling it, too.

This feels so right.

We fit like two puzzle pieces.

Yeah.

Ted, I know you've waited ten years for this girl, but some things just aren't meant to be.

Not so fast. At the end of the night, when I leaned in and somehow accidentally kissed her open eyeball, there was a slight flicker of something I might even call chemistry... adjacent.

Thank you.

Wait.

Where is my cash?

Oh, yeah, I did a little exchange for ya, Canucklehead.

This Canadian dollar here is called a "loonie."

And this two-dollar coin? A "toonie." True story.

It's federal currency and you people talk about it like it's a Hannah-

Barbera character.

Not you people, Barney.

Our people.

Narrator: Even though my first date with Naomi was a little awkward, our second date was a lot awkward.

Mmm...!

This is the worst kissing of all time!

Mmm...

How could she possibly be into this?

(moans loudly)

She sounds like those cows in Temple Grandin's hug machines.

Do you want to listen to some music?

Uh-huh!

("One Week" plays)

Ted, this is our song.

Let's make love to this song.

♪ Chickety China, the Chinese chicken ♪
♪ Have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin' ♪

Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.

♪ X-Files with no lights on, we're dans la maison. ♪

Hey, doofus!

It's me: you at age 15.

And we made a deal we would always boink any chick that wants to boink us!

Yes, she's beautiful, it's just there's no connection there.

I don't feel intimate with her. "Intimate"? Let me remind you of some things you did feel "intimate" with when you were 15: a catcher's mitt, an oven mitt, a glass of warm water, a half-open hide-a-bed sofa, a top-loading VCR!

It's not gonna happen!

Come on!

It'll take, like, 30 seconds!

Naomi, listen...

Shh...

You like that, Ted?

Hmm.

Do you ike it when I caress your hair?

Your hair is so nice to caress.

Why is she saying that word?

I like to caress your hair.

There it is again! "Caress!" Who says that?

Caress.

The thing is, I like her, okay?

I really, really like her.

I just don't seem to like anything she says or does.

I have to break up with her, don't I?

All: Yes!

After you sleep with her, yes!

Marshall, I've been thinking about what you said.

You're right, we shouldn't move to the suburbs.

Let's not make any huge life decisions right now.

Is this because you tried to make waffles with the laptop this morning?

Anyway, I'm gonna call a real estate broker to come look at the house tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes.

You're right, they're totally gonna class up our apartment.

Okay, yes. It's wrong to bang a drunk chick.

But you're an idiot if you don't get, like, a little something.

Yo, Canada.

What? Dammit!

Ha, you answer to "Canada" now.

I'll make you a deal.

You wear this costume to the Halloween party tomorrow night, I'll drop it forever.

You can't be serious.

Oh, I am as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel.

I don't know what any of those words mean.

Yes. You do.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that must be the broker. Marshall, will you get it?

Sure. Of course.

Trick or treat!

Oh, my gosh. How cute!

I'm sorry, we don't have any candy.

Um, we forgot about trick-or-treaters.

We don't get any where we live.

Yup. Only get this kind of cuteness in the suburbs.

Oh. Look at how sweet and happy and unarmed they all are!

Are you using adorable little children in costumes to manipulate me?

Bye!

I mean, did you even call a real estate broker?

No.

I've got Pregnancy Brain like a fiddle and I've been playing you like a fox.

♪ Oh, Canada... ♪
♪ Our home and native land... ♪

(sobbing)

Narrator: I knew it would be tough to break up with Naomi.

But when it's just not there, you can't force it.

Happy Halloween.

And just like that, I was taken back ten years... to the hopeful kid in the hanging chad costume, falling head over heels for the Slutty Pumpkin.

I made you something.

Oh.

Your costume from that first night.

Although you do realize that even ten years ago, the hanging chad reference was like almost a year old.

(laughs) Wow...

I can't believe you made this.

I can't believe you found me.

Ted: Stay strong, Teddy. We can do this.

I...

"Have to break up with you," just say it.

Love...

Wait, what?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Say sunsets! Pancakes! Anything!

Just don't say...

You.

No!

Barney? Where are you?

You're moving slower than John Diefenbaker climbing Mount Hungabee on Boxing Day.

Those are all real references to our shared homeland.

Barney: I'll be right there.

Can't wait to see you in your costume, Dudley Do-Right.

♪ Living in America ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Eye to eye ♪
♪ Station to station ♪
♪ Living in America ♪
♪ Hand in hand ♪
♪ Across the nation ♪
♪ Living in America ♪
♪ Got to have a celebration ♪
♪ Rock my soul ♪
♪ Ow! ♪

If we move here, you're just going to have that baby, and then you're going to hate me for letting you do this. I'm going to love it here.

Oh, we'd have so much room in the suburbs.

You can get that pinball machine you've always wanted.

You can put it anywhere you want.

Stop it. You don't know what you're saying.

Anywhere.

Upstairs, downstairs... you can stick it in the back.

Lily, I want to be inside this house so bad.

USA! USA!

USA!

Come on!

Okay, so rather than wearing a Mountie costume and end this forever, you show up shirtless to an outdoor party?

It's practically November.

No biggie. I ain't cold.

Huh. Interesting.

It's fascinating.

Almost as if your body was accustomed to low temperatures after generations of adapting.

(whispering): Canada.

No.

Guys, hey. Robin, Barney, this is Naomi.

Hey.

Hey.

Nice to meet you guys.

I'm gonna go make some Tootsie Rolls. It's a drink I invented.

There's a song and dance that goes along with it, but I have to drink three of them before I can do it.

Oh. Okay. You go.

This way.

Sounds delicious. In theory.

But you never know until you taste it.

Ted... have you tasted her Tootsie Roll?

Of course not.

Ow.

Wait. Have you?

(gasps)

You had sex with someone you have zero feelings for!

U-S-A!

U-S...

Stop it.

Just no part of it felt right.

At first there was too much eye contact, then not enough.

Where do you look during sex?

Um, into the hidden camera at future me watching it.

Okay. Wait. How does saying "I want to break up with you" lead into sex?

I didn't say "I want to break up with you," exactly.

What did you say, exactly? "I love you."

Classic Schmosby.

(sighs)

Marshall, this house wants you so bad. "Mow my lawn. "Rake my leaves.

Winterize my pipes""

Yes!

Yes! I'm coming... to terms with this decision!

(doorbell rings)

Oh!

Trick or treat!

Yay!

Okay.

Oh.

Happy Halloween.

Lily.

Yeah?

You just gave those children a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors, and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.

I did?

Oh, my God.

(sobbing): I'm going to miss that stapler so much.

I'm not doing so great, am I?

Maybe not.

We shouldn't make any huge life decisions right now, should we?

Hey, look, I love you and I-I love the idea of raising our kids with a lawn and a white picket fence, but we have our whole lives to decide when and if we want to do that.

Do what?

Let's get you home.

Ooh.

Kid: That's for the stapler!

I hate the suburbs.

(sighs)

Naomi...

We have to end this.

W-- huh?

I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me really honest.

Ted... I know you're super into me.

But we are terrible together.

Wait, what?

I've been trying, saying things felt good that didn't just to...

I thought saying it was good would make it feel good, but...

...it always felt off.

(both sigh)

Naomi: Why won't he stop sniffing my hair?

And what's up with the hand holding?

It's like he's trying to win a thumb w*r.

Ted, this is our song.

Oh, no, he thinks I'm actually into this song.

Does he not get sarcasm?

Let's make love to this song.

I'll just be even more ridiculous to make it clear it's a joke.

♪ Chickety-China, the Chinese chicken... ♪

I...

Uh-oh, where you going with this, buddy?

...love...

Nope, too soon.

Say basset hounds, Pretzel Crisps, anything but...

...you.

Oh, God, just kiss him before he proposes.

Ted, I've been looking for the Hot Hanging Chad for the last nine Halloweens.

I've waded through a sweaty parade of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons, and that jackass who always dresses as laundry.

Oh, I hate that guy.

That's why, once I finally found you...

...it was hard to let you go.

Good-bye, Ted.

Let's just not touch ever again.

Probably a good idea, yeah.

Okay.

Narrator: Kids, after spending a decade dreaming of the wrong girl, I wanted more than ever for the next woman I met to be the real thing.

Yeah, I don't know, Barney, she doesn't seem like my type.

I will k*ll you.

I'll see what I can do.

(mouthing)

(grunting)

(Canadian accent): Oh, hey there, I'm Barney, how are you?

No, I'm Barney.

Whoa.

You pack quite a wallop there.

Hope you didn't hurt your hand.

Why are you so nice?

(grunts)

Oh, sorry about my thick noodle there.

How about we split the cost of the vase, eh?

(grunts)

Holy Zamboni.

Wow, you really put your weight behind that one.

That was a really good one.

Oh, heavens to Gretzky, that was a real Chiclet rattler.