08x12 - The Final Page, Part 2

[bunniefuu]

Older Ted: With Christmas just around the corner, your Uncle Barney, gave me the horrible gift of an unwanted secret.

Barney: Tomorrow night on the roof of the World Wide News building... that's Patrice's favorite spot... I'm gonna ask her to marry me. (Ted tries to say something) Ah, poot-tu-tat! You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you'll follow these two rules: one: you can't try to talk me out of it, and two: you can't tell anybody. Agreed?

(Ted nods.)

Older Ted: Yeah, that nod was a lie. You see Robin had been hurting over Barney all fall. And as her friend, I knew I had to tell her. I just had to find the right moment.

Marshall: Uh, there he is! The youngest architect ever to build a skyscraper in New York City! The shockingly still single Ted Mosby. You hear that, ladies?

Lily: I can't believe the GNB Tower opens tonight. Ted, your building finally gets unveiled to the whole world.

Marshall: You hear that, ladies?

Robin: Nervous?

Ted: Everything comes out of my body in liquid form now.

Marshall: Ignore that, ladies.

Ted: Plus, I, I keep having this nightmare where King Kong shows up to the opening but refuses to climb my building because, in his words, "It's a bit derivative".

Lily: Oh, stop it, tonight is gonna be amazing.

Marshall: And we are definitely gonna be there to toast you, but we might have to leave a little early if that's okay. My dad just gave us the most amazing Christmas gift ever. Our first night away since Marvin was born.

Marshall: 24 hours straight without that little bastard.

Lily: We're maximizing our time away by planning everything down to the minute. See? 2:12 p.m... guilt Ted into saying it's okay if we leave early tonight.

Ted: It's okay if you leave early tonight. Look, I just appreciate you showing up at all on your big night away. I mean, Barney's not even gonna be there.

All: What?

Lily: This is the biggest night of your career. Why isn't Barney coming?

Ted: I don't know... he said, "Legendary" and "Challenge accepted," and then he winked. "Wait for it," you know, all that stuff.

Marshall: That does sound like him.

Lily: Well, we're your real friends and we wouldn't miss it for the world.

Marshall: That is why we will see you tonight from 7:03 to 7:14.

Robin: Bye, guys. Good night.

All: Bye.

RobiN: Okay, what's the real reason Barney's not coming?

Older Ted: Here was my chance to tell Robin about Barney.

Ted: Yeah, actually, Barney didn't say what he was doing tonight. Anyway... you know, I'm not taking anyone to the opening, so you wanna be my date?

Robin: Sure.

Lily: Okay, Dad, I made you a list of Marvin's nightly schedule down to the minute.

Lily’s dad: Okay. "9:06 p.m... put on edible underwear".

Lily: Wrong list, wrong list.

Lily’s dad: Come on, relax. I know this little guy like the back of my hand. (looks at his hand) Dear Lord, what is that? Oh, jam, okay. Just jam.

Marshall: Oh, I forgot the lullaby. Do you know Marvin's lullaby? We sing it to him every night.

Marshall: (singing) Night, night, little Marvin # Stars twinkle for you # The Dreamland train's a - chuggin' # # All your dreams will come true # # And the horsie says, "Good night" # # And the birdie says, "Good night" # # And the elephant says, "Good night" # # And the skeleton playing his own rib cage # # Says, "Good Night" # And the robot says, "Good night" # Good night.

(Neighbor knocking on the wall) Enough with the damn music!

Marshall (continues): And Mr. Nesbit says, "Good night" # And the whole world
says, "Good night" # Take it, Mommy.

Lily’s dad: Got it... load him up with cough syrup, watch Breaking Bad until he conks out. Just kidding.

Marshall: We did it.

Lily: Yeah, we did.

Marshall: Now that we're out the door, I actually don't feel anxious. Whoa, oh, my God, it's your dad! Oh, something horrible happened... aah! Oh, it's Ted, relax.

Ted: Bar, now.

Lily: What is it?

Marshall: He needs me.

Lily: But, baby, what about our magical romantic night? In four minutes, we're
supposed to be doing hand stuff in the cab.

Marshall: I'll be quick... I'm sure it's nothing huge.

Marshall: That's huge.

Ted: And I knew that I had to tell Robin. But? I may have... asked her to be my date instead. What is wrong with me? Deep down, is there still some crazy part of me that thinks I'm gonna wind up with Robin? Am I that deluded? If so, I need to grow up. Oh... by the way, I'm breaking a jinx swear here, so don't tell Barney or he gets to whack me in the nuts three times with a Wiffle ball bat.

Marshall: Sure, pretty standard.

Ted: Robin deserves the chance to go after Barney one last time if that's what she wants. I'm gonna go tell her.

Marshall: One quick thing.

Ted: Yeah.

Marshall: Don't. Hey... I'm gonna be a little while, baby. It's a long story, but Ted needs my help.

Lily: Okay, but hurry or I'm gonna start doing number 11 on my own.

Marshall: You can do that by yourself?

Lily: Pilates, bitch.

Ted: Okay, why shouldn't I tell Robin?

Marshall: Because deep down some crazy part of you still thinks you're gonna wind up with her, and I agree. Marshall... I'm sorry, I'm Team Tedward. Always have been, always will be. Now, listen. I want my best friend to be happy. And if Robin could mean happiness for you, then, dear God, why help her go after another man?

Ted: Because she might still be in love with him. To not tell her, to not give her that chance, it's... it's selfish.

Marshall: So be selfish.

Ted: I can't do that.

Marshall: Tell that to the onion rings we just "split".

Ted: Robin is my friend.

Marshall: She's always been more than that and you know it. Now, as we speak, my wife is in a hotel room cheating on me… with herself. But I'm not leaving here until you promise not to say a word about this to Robin. Now repeat after me. "I..."

Ted: Well, I can do more at a time than "I".

Marshall: "I, Ted Mosby, promise to stop "putting everyone else's interests ahead of my own, and for once in my life, do what's best for me".

Ted: I... Sorry, what was the rest of that?

Lily: Hey, Dad, just taking a break from our amazing night to check in. I bet Marvin's pretty devastated that I'm not there, huh?

Lil’s dad: Not at all... I don't think he even noticed you're gone. It's kind of like Mommy who?

Lily: Oh... oh, good. But I should probably sing him his nighttime lullaby over the phone, just in case.

Lily’s dad: Sang it already... nailed it.

Lily: Did you do the horsie?

Lily’s dad: Yep.

Lily: The birdie?

Lily’s dad: Yep.

Lily: Moose.

Lily’s dad: No moose, trick question.

Lily: Robot.

Lily’s dad: Affirmative. Look, I should go. Marvin's asleep in my arms. Mmm, his head smells like love. Bye.

Ted: Whoa.

Ranjit: Hello... and hubba-hubba.

Robin: Aw, thanks. But tonight is about my main man Mosby.

Ranjit: Really? Why?
Robin: Oh, Ted, tell Ranjit the huge thing that's happening tonight.

Ted: Barney's getting engaged.

Ranjit: Ranjit out.

Robin: Bar-Barney's getting engaged?

Ted: He asked me to keep it a secret, but I thought you deserved to know... in case you wanted to do something about it. Do you?

Ranjit: Do you, Robin?

Ted: Ranjit, a little privacy, please?

Ranjit: Sorry, not listening.

Lily (trips): Nice, uneven floor there, Ted.

Marshall: Lily, are you drunk?

Lily: What? I... I'm on vacation. I may have cracked open the minibar to celebrate. Who invited the narc?

Marshall: Hey, listen, I know that you miss Marvin, but it's not like we could've brought him to a black-tie event anyway.

Lily: Yeah, these parents are so lame and-and clingy.

Marshall: Yeah, it's like, cut the cord already, right, guys?

Lily: Yeah, yeah, that baby's not even cute.

Marshall: Super ugly baby. It's almost physically repulsive.

Both (looking at the baby): Aw... Aw...

Lily: Great, I just started lactating.

Marshall: Me, too.

Ted: So, what do you want to do?

Ranjit: Robin, I do not want to meddle, but this is like the classic love song says... (starts singing Indian song)

Ted: Ranjit. Ranjit, let's just communicate via text from now on, okay?

Robin: I appreciate what you're doing. But I'm not chasing after Barney anymore. I just got done being crazy about all that. I mean, why would I want to throw myself back in that pit?

Ted: Because you're in love with him.

Robin: No, I'm not. I'm happy for him.

Ted: So, it doesn't bother you that Barney Stinson's gonna propose to another woman on top of the World-Wide News building?

Robin: Wait, why the top of the World-Wide News building?

Ted: I guess it's Patrice's favorite spot in the city.

Robin: Damn it, Patrice, that's my favorite spot in the city!

Ted: Whoa. (gets a text) Ranjit says, "Whoa".

Robin: Okay... maybe that one detail stings a little bit, but that doesn't mean I'm in love with Barney.

Ted (gets a text again): "Sounds like she's in love with Barney".

Ted: Okay, is this divider even slightly soundproof? (gets a text again) "Yes". With a little winky face.

Robin: Look, I... I hope it goes well for Barney. I really do. But tonight there is no
place I would rather be than at your building. Celebrating with you.

Lily: This kid does not mean that you're special. It just means that you're horny and you're easy. Now, come on, let me smell his head.

Marshall: Li-Lily, Lily, no, no, no, no, come on.

Lily: Seriously, Ted, what is up with the floor?

Marshall: Lily.

Lily: What?

Marshall: Is it harder than we thought to be away from Marvin? Yes. But are we gonna have fun or are we gonna wallow in the corner like idiots?

Lily and Marshall (in the corner): # Night, night, little Marvin # Stars twinkle for you # The Dreamland train's a - chuggin' # # All your dreams # Will come true.

Robin: Hey. Do you realize that something you thought up in your head now exists as a part of the Manhattan skyline? That's huge.

Ted: It's just a building. I mean, I'm incredibly young for such an achievement, but it's just a building. I mean, Architecture Vision Weekly may have dubbed it "more than just a building," but it's just a building. So, let's not get carried... Okay, you're right, it's huge.

Robin: It is huge. You're the star of the party, and who knows? Maybe the future Mrs. Ted Mosby is gonna be there.

Ted: Yeah, maybe she will.

Robin: Oh. Wait, this isn't your... This is the World-Wide News building.

Ted: Go get him.

Robin: I told you. I am done chasing Barney. Now can we please go to your party?

Ted: Robin, do you want to spend tonight making small talk with a bunch of bankers in a daring yet refined contemporary masterpiece King Kong should feel lucky to climb... or do you want to follow your heart?

Robin: Why do you keep insisting that I have feelings for Barney?

Ted: Because you do. (gets text) See, even Ranjit agrees. Oh, he's got to pee.
The point is, you're not over Barney. That's why you freaked out about him proposing on the roof of the World-Wide News building.

Robin: I did not freak out. It's just... a teeny, tiny bit annoying that I am the one who showed her that roof in the first place! Damn it, Patrice!

Ted: Whoa.

Ranjit: "Never mind, I found a soda bottle".

Ted: Okay, that's disturbing.

Robin: What do you want me to do, Ted? Run up to that roof, knock the ring out of Barney's hand, and say, "Sorry to interrupt, but you should be with me"?

Ted: Is that what you want?

Robin: No. I don't. I can't keep making an ass of myself.

Ted. Well, a word in defense of making an ass of yourself, it's underrated. Eight years ago, I made an ass of myself chasing after you, and I've made an ass of myself chasing after you a bunch of times since then. But I have no regrets. Because it led me to something that I wouldn't trade for the world. It led to you being my friend. So, as your friend and a leading expert in the field of making an ass of yourself, I say to you from the heart, get the hell out of this car.

Robin: But, Ted, your big night.

Ted: It's just a building.

(Robin reads) The Robin.

Barney: Step one: admit to yourself that you still have feelings for this girl.

Flashback

Barney: I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.

Barney: Step two: choose the completely wrong moment to make a drunken move after hanging out at a strip club and get sh*t down on purpose.

Step three: agree that you two don't work, locking the door on any future you could have together.</i>

Flashaback

Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore.

Barney: Which will drive Robin nuts.

Robin: Huh.

Barney: Step four: Robin goes nuts.

Step five: Find the person who annoys Robin most in the world...

Robin: Nobody asked for your help, Patrice!

Barney: and ask for her help.

Patrice: Oh, hi, Barney. What are you doing here?

Barney: Actually, I'm looking for you. This may sound kind of weird, but I have a proposition...

Barney: Explain everything to Patrice and hope she agrees to help.

Patrice: Yay. I love Robin. Of course, I'll help.

Barney: Good, good.

(Patrice hugs him and lifts him up.)

Step six: check with your doctor about possible broken ribs.

Step seven: pretend to be dating Patrice.

Robin: Nobody asked you here, Patrice!

Barney: Actually, I did.

Step eight: wait until Robin inevitably breaks into your place to find the Playbook and
show it to Patrice, which you'll monitor via the hidden cameras you have in your apartment.

Barney: Patrice, the robin's in the nest. That means Robin broke into my apartment Were you even listening when I explained the codes?

Step nine: after Patrice finds the Playbook, have your first big fight.

Barney: This is going so well. Thank you so much.

Patrice: I know, but what the heck are Lily and Ted doing here?

Barney: I don't know. My friends have no boundaries. How can I ever thank you?

Patrice: Will you watch my cat next weekend?

Barney: No. Come on, we should probably go back inside.

Step ten: prove your loyalty to Patrice by burning the Playbook, and actually burn it. You don't need it anymore.

Step 11: because your friends have no boundaries, they'll inevitably have an intervention for Robin, which you'll monitor via the hidden camera you have in Marshall
and Lily's apartment.

Step 12: tell only Ted about your plan to propose to Patrice.</i>

Barney: You can't tell anybody. Agreed?

Step 13: wait and see if Ted tells Robin, and if he does...

Ted: Barney's getting engaged.

Barney: it means your best bro in the world has let go of Robin and
has given you his blessing.

Step 14: Robin arrives at her favorite spot in the city and finds the secret final page of the Playbook. The last play you'll ever run.

Step 15: Robin realizes she's standing underneath mistletoe.

Robin: Seriously, Barney? Even you, even someone as certifiably insane as you must realize that this is too far. You lied to me, manipulated me for weeks. Do you really think I could ever kiss you after that? Do you really think I could ever trust you after that? This... this is proof of why we don't work, why we'll never work. So, thank you. You've set me free because... how could I be with a man who thinks that this... trick, this enormous lie could ever make me want to date him again?

Barney: Turn it over. Robin Scherbatsky... will you marry me?

Robin: Yes.

Man: And so, let's all raise a glass to Ted Mosby. None of this would have been possible without him. To Ted.

All: To Ted.

THE END