07x09 - Disaster Averted

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Psst. In here!

I'm safe. Not quite.

The amulet, please, Mr. Stinson.

Why?

Help! Help! The kid.

Help! Hang on, kid.

Grab my tie.

But you're not supposed to take the tie off.

You lost a bet with your friends Lily and Marshall which requires you to wear the tie for a full year.

If it means saving your life, I think they'll understand!

They sound like nice people!

Yeah, they are.

Grab that...

Come on.

That's it.

Thanks, Mister.

How can I repay you?

You can stay in school, that's how.

No!

True story.

But golly, I'm just gonna miss the heck out of that ducky tie. I really am.

Look what I just found in the trash.

No!

Kids, you haven't truly lived until somewhere, somebody puts a sign up because of something you did. For instance...

Have you guys seen that sign out front that says "Absolutely No Boogie-Boarding"?

What's that all about?

Oh, that's a great story. You got time for it?

Well, I'm supposed to go to my mom's birthday party, so... please make it as long as you can.

Well, it happened a few months ago.

The night of the hurricane...

Kids, it was August 26, 2011, and Hurricane Irene was barreling towards New York.

Guys, guys, guys.

And a Boy Scout is always what?

Unpopular? Beaten up?

Going to the movies with his mom?

A Boy Scout is always prepared.

Prepared to spend lunch in his locker?

Prepared to die a virgin?

Prepared to paint his sister's nails?

Prepared for emergencies!

That's why a week ago, when Irene was just a tropical depression-

You're a tropical depression.

This guy got us... a disaster backpack, and a rental car that seats five, parked right outside.

We're gonna drive up to my place in Westchester where we'll all be safe.

Boy Scouted! You're welcome.

Ted's right, we should go.

Hey, on the way out of the city, do you mind if we stop at my place so I can get something?

Okay, what did you have to get?

My drink on. We're not going anywhere.

What? No!

We don't have time for this! We gotta get going!

Ted, I'm older than you. Yeah.

And taller. Just older.

And when you reach my age, and height, you'll see that things like this hurricane are no big deal.

They're going to close the bridges.

You guys, we got to get out of here.

I'm afraid I'm with blondie on this one.

This storm is nothing. I'm from Vancouver.

You know what we call this in the Couv?

Barbecue weather.

Yeah, I'm with these guys.

Drinking beer in front of Barney's giant TV beats sitting in the car

listening to Memoires of a Geisha.

Come on, we're at the best part.

Oh, it's my mom, checking to see if I'm okay.

Hey, Mom.

Ooh, Mommy! It's drizzling out!

I'm so scared!

Bikini weather.

Marshall, you're with me, right?

Sorry, old friend.

But I can't afford to tempt fate.

Oh right, I was being really weird.

I should explain.

Last summer I quit my job.

And then, a week before the hurricane...

Huh, my medical insurance just expired.

That gives me two uninsured weeks before I'm added to your plan.

It's no biggie.

Ow! Paper cut.

Death is all around us.

So for the next two weeks he was basically a really clingy Edgar Allan Poe.

The Grim Reaper beckons.

I feel his icy grip around my throat, the breath of his hounds at my heels, the unrelenting rat-tat-tat of his scythe on my chamber door.

And you, with your blithe request, you only hasten his inevitable triumph.

Is that what you desire?

Is that what you desire, Lily?

I just wanted you to get us some bagels.

Bagels?!

Do you have any idea what could happen to me whilst getting bagels?!

What the...?! No, not like this!

Fine. I'll go get the bagels.

No!

Why not?

And remember, not too much cream cheese.

Half a shmear, max.

Thanks, baby.

No! No! Not like this!

Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.

Well, life is ridiculous, Lily!

People get run over by buses and hit in the nuts by skateboards, bitten by babies.

Nobody wakes up and says, "Today I'm gonna star in a YouTube video."

You've said that at least a dozen times.

Lily, for the next two weeks you must be by my side protecting me.

Why, what's gonna happen?

Answer: a hurricane.

Just let me take off the tie! Please!

I have to wear this at work.

Do you have any idea what that's like?

If the SEC pursues charges, it's going to be all our asses.

Nobody takes this more seriously than I do.

Please, can I take it off?

You... may... knot.

With a "K."

A little tie pun.

This is far from over.

You have a price, Eriksen, and I will find it.

When the end of day is nigh, I'll have taken off this tie.

I'm going to like the way I look, I guarantee it.

So boogie-boarding...

Boogie-boarding. So I was trying to get these guys to leave.

Hey, Nerdlinger, what's with the safety boner?

I mean, come on.

The disaster kit, the car, the ladies' rain boots-

Uh, they're men's.

Pink is just easier to spot from the rescue chopper.

Look, forgive me for caring about you guys, but you're my best friends in the world and I just want to make sure you're okay.

Ah. Ted, you are a giant whining bummer.

Barney...

Come on, Ted, this storm is not a big deal.

This storm is a big deal.

Let's replay that harrowing footage of Irene touching down in North Carolina.

We gotta get out of here!

Go, go! Come on, come on!

Please let me take it off! No.

$5,000? No.

Is he serious?

$10,000?

No. Dudes, take the money.

$20,000? No.

Yes. I'll let you slap me in the face as hard as you can. You have my attention.

Kids, you remember Marshall and Barney's slap bet. A few years earlier, Barney lost a bet to Marshall. His penalty was five slaps delivered anyplace, anytime. So far, Marshall had slapped Barney four times. Which meant he only had one slap left.

What do you say, Marshall? Are you going to seize this slap-ortunity or let it slap through your fingers?

Don't let him tempt you, Marshall.

I don't know, Lily. I mean we have a baby on the way.

An extra slap could really come in handy.

No! No!

This is crazy.

You having to wear that tie for another ten months is all the satisfaction I need.

Plus, I still have one slap left, and that feels good. But if you didn't have that slap left-

if say, I were to get you to slap me tonight-

I suppose that would change everything.

I suppose it would.

Le jeu commence. Je m'appelle Marshall.

So boogie-boarding... Boogie-boarding.

So I was trying to get these guys to leave, but there was one little problem.

Come on, let's go.

I'm staying.

What?! Barney?!

Hey, hey, it's going to get pretty crazy out there.

And if some hot woman gets all her clothes blown off, and I'm not up here to videotape it and put it up on the Internet, who will, FEMA?

Come on, open your eyes.

No, no, you are coming with us.

We leave no man behind.

Hey, Mom.

Uh, yeah, the boots were a big hit.

You know, I better pee.

But when Lily and I get back, we're all leaving.

Wait, I have to go pee with you?

You want me to go to the "bathroom," the most dangerous room in the house by myself?

Do you have any idea what could happen?

Ow! My eye!

I'm blind!

No, no! Not like this!

I don't think we're seeing eye to eye about the likelihood of that happening.

Hey, it's my dad.

My dad's calling me.

Hey, do you know where...? Ted got his boots?

Yeah. They're fabulous. I totally want a pair.

Okay, Dad, I will. Thanks.

Guys, Dad says this hurricane is a bigger deal than you thought.

I'm taking charge. We are getting out of here.

Okay, what is with everybody's parents calling to check up on them?

It's just a little rain.

Lawn-mowing weather.

Bocce weather.

Wow. You're really bummed that your dad's not worried about you.

What?!

Eh... What would my dad be worried about?

That I'm not wearing enough sunblock?

House-painting weather.

Ted, you're back.

I've changed my mind. I'm in. Let's go.

Yeah, I changed my mind, too. You can't come.

Everybody else, we're moving out.

That's harsh.

You know what else is harsh? Ultraviolet light.

I fell asleep in the tanning bed this week and I think I got a sunburn on my cheek.

It's so sensitive.

It's like a big, red bull's-eye.

Ouchie.

Did you take my blush out of my purse?

So, boogie-boarding.

Boogie-boarding.

Oh, come on, Ted, you can't just leave him here.

Uh, yeah, I can.

You called me a giant whining bummer.

You're not allowed in my car.

You don't get to find out if the geisha finds love.

This is about principle.

Hey, Ted. I'm ready to go.

And you must be "Principle."

Ah, on a separate note, guys, this is Maya.

I just met her out in the hall.

We have a lot in common, such as our mutual love of country music, NASCAR and Jeff Foxworthy. Just go with it.

She needed a ride out of the city, and we have an extra seat in the car, so...

Okay, let's hit it!

Wow.

It's come to this.

You could help a friend, but instead, you're choosing the hot girl in the tight t*nk top.

Your training is complete!

I'm so proud of this kid!

But seriously, the storm's coming in, so dump the hoochie and wheels up.

You promised me a seat.

Oh, for God's sake.

You two both go. I'll stay here.

What? Lily, no! Shotgun!

You're staying. Then Lily can come! Wha...?

No, no, no, I'll stay here. Why?

I just want some time away from you!

What?

Marshall, I'm sorry. I love you, but I haven't had a second alone in weeks!

It's summer vacation!

All I want to do is sit in the bathtub and read a book, but now...

Baby, I forgot to bring a book.

Do you mind reading yours out loud?

Hey, it's been no picnic for me either.

You don't even do the voices.

Blocked number.

Hello?

RJ? It's your father.

Daddy?

I love you.

It means so much that you called.

Ha! I knew that you wanted him to call. Busted!

That was you?

I really think you should slap him.

You should slap him!

Slap him. Slap him.

Two cheeks, no waiting.

Good, 'cause I really think I'm gonna slap him!

So, boog -boarding?

Boogie-boarding.

Come on, Ted.

You're gonna give some random floozy a ride, but not take Barney?

Floozy?!

If she's going, I'm not going!

Lily, you're staying. Let's go.

If Lily's staying, then I'm staying!

Then I'm going. Then I'm going.

You can't go, Marshall, 'cause I'm going.

If Barney's going, I'm not going! Then I can go.

Then I'm staying. Then I'm staying.

Then I'm going.

Then I'm not going.

Okay, you know what? I'm going.

This storm's been on Doppler radar for a week.

I'm the only one who prepared for it.

And you all made fun of me. So guess what?

This Boy Scout is taking a hike. Good-bye!

Maya, real quick, did you think there was anything here, or...

Oh, I have a boyfriend.

Good-bye!

Um, Ted...?

The time for evacuation is over.

Everyone should now go inside and be prepared to stay inside until weather conditions improve, which won't likely be until Sunday afternoon.

We're stuck here?

Okay, let's not panic.

You know what? Let's panic.

Hey, if we don't make it through the night, I want you guys to know, and I really mean this...

I wish I had branched out and made more friends in my 20s.

Well, I'm going to go to the bathroom.

By myself, I guess.

Watch out for bears.

Since this might be the end, I gotta confess something.

Can I?

Might as well.

Barney and I have been doing the wild thing... this whole time.

Except a brief period last year when he was shacking up with Marshall's mom.

But luckily, three-ways were on the menu, so...

Marshall, you know she didn't say any of that, right?

I know, but I just want to slap him so bad!

But that tie is so stupid! But the slap would feel so good!

But he hates that tie so much!

Perhaps I can help.

Marshall, ask yourself this question: why today?

He hasn't said anything about that tie for weeks, and yet, suddenly today, he can't wear it another second?

No, there's a reason.

You've got something coming up.

Something where you're on display, vulnerable... exposed.

It's not work-related.

No, this is relationship stuff.

You're trying to impress someone.

In the lie you told, you said you were being chased by two g*ons.

So it's two people.

A couple, perhaps.

You're meeting Nora's parents tomorrow!

Wrong!

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

It's in two days, and I really want them to like me!

Oh-ho! Therapisted!

Shrinked? Shrunk?

We'll figure it out.

So, boogie-boarding.

Boogie-boarding.

Hey, Lily, can I talk to you for just a second?

Come here.

Marshall, if I'm in here to brush your teeth, I swear to...

I'm sorry that I've been so needy lately.

I know that you need some time alone.

So... I'll be in the other room.

You're not going anywhere.

Mmm... Hey...

And the funny thing is, after that night, we'll never be alone again.

You made that in my bathroom?

Whoops.

Wow, a hurricane baby.

Oh, man, Hurricane Eriksen would be a sweet name.

It would be a crazy sweet name!

Thanks, Ted.

Anyway, the next day, after the danger had passed...

It's closed.

Now what?

A Boy Scout is always prepared.

Hey!

Nice!

To surviving the hurricane.

Yay!

I love you guys. Love you.

I did finally make it up here to the house later that week only to find that a falling oak tree had landed in the living room. If we'd been here, it would have crushed us like bugs. You see, kids, there's no way of knowing for sure where the safest place is... so the best you can hope for is to have some good company.

Guys, how far do you think I can boogie-board on this thing?

So far!

Marshall, your insurance doesn't kick in till tomorrow.

Yeah, well, you know what?

Life kicks in right now.

♪ ♪

Don't worry, he wasn't hurt...

the first time. I have splints! The second time he went through the front window of Maclaren's.

Hence the "No Boogie-boarding" sign.

All right, guys, I gotta go.

Barney, good luck with Nora's parents.

Bye. Bye.

See you later.

All right. See you. See ya.

Hey, Barney?

Hmm?

Listen, um, we made a baby in your bathroom.

So we owe you one.

So we say... you can take off the ducky tie.

For three slaps.

Three slaps?

And to be clear, this would add three slaps to Marshall's existing one, giving him four slaps in total.

Deal.

I'm free!

God, this feels so good!

This was a mistake!

I wanna put the tie back on!

I wanna put the tie back on!

Why do I have to be Barney right now?

Three slaps remaining!

Three slaps. Wow, I like the sound of that.

I think I'll save those bad boys, you know, for a rainy day.

Okay. The worst is over.

Ah!

Two slaps remaining!

It's all right.

Hey, it's all done... for now.

I think I need to go home and reevaluate how I make life decisions.

Come on. I have to go back to work.

Let's split a cab. Okay. Yeah.

Did you ever tell those guys about that other thing that almost happened?

That other thing?

Oh, that. No. Did you?

No.

Hey, I'm really sorry about that phone call.

Oh, it's fine.

No, it is so not fine. I was a jerk.

And if you don't mind my saying, your dad is a complete idiot for not calling.

He should never let a day go by without calling you because when I let a day go by without talking to you...

Um, that day's just no good.

Um, sorry.

Um...

It's my dad.

Wait, show me your hands.

My hands.

Hey, Dad!

That's what I've been saying!

Golf weather!

Can you believe we almost...?

I know.

Good thing we didn't.

Yeah. I mean, not long after that you got together with Nora.

And you met Kevin.

Yeah. Disaster averted.

Exactly.

It would've ruined everything if we'd been all... ah-la-la-la...

I know, right? So dumb...

La-la-la-la-la-la...