03x20 - Just the Ten of Us
Posted: 06/23/23 17:08
[instrumental music]
Oh..
Hi, Nicholas.
Hi, dad.
How long have
you been home?
Uh.. A while.
Why?
I-I-I thought I saw you
walking home with a girl.
I stopped to give you a lift
but by the time I turned around,
you were gone.
A girl? Nah!
I'd never walk home with a girl.
Must have been somebody else.
Oh, that's what I thought,
but, sure looked like you.
[telephone rings]
Excuse me.
Hello.
Oh, yes, yes.
He's here.
Just a minute.
Nicholas, it's for you.
I think it's a girl.
Her name is
Polly Sanders?
Um..
We're doing a book report.
See you later, Nicholas.
[instrumental music]
I thought I told you,
never to call me here.
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic in the early ♪
♪ Morning we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles on ♪
♪ Everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait of
the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ Oh eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright and
shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
I wanna spend the night.
That would be nice.
Except you have to go
to work at :.
Which means you have to get up
at : to go home and change
and that's only three hours
from now.
Once again, practicality and
reason rears its ugly head.
There's a solution
to our problem.
And what might that be?
We could move in together.
It's just a reminder.
You said you'd think about it.
I know.
And I'm getting around
to thinking about it.
I'm not asking for
any commitments.
I'm just trying to
simplify our life.
- At your place?
- I could settle for yours.
With certain
redecorating privileges.
In that case,
we'll think about it harder.
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
- Hey.
- Hi.
Well, what do you think,
is it really me?
Well, it's a little
hard to think of the van
as Tommy Bradford.
It's still more
David Bradford.
Yeah, my point exactly.
You know, I met this girl
in the school parking lot today
and she was really interested
until she saw my van.
She was totally underwhelmed.
You know, I think a man's wheels
really oughta make a statement
about who he is, you know.
Now, what does this van
say to you about me?
- Not much.
- Yeah, I know.
But, what if it had a
shag carpet, a souped-up engine
quadraphonic sound, dual exhaust
and a velocity stack on the car.
Then what would it
say to you?
Uh, intriguing.
Ah, you took the words,
right outta my mouth.
Yeah, and you'll be taking the
bucks right outta your pocket.
How do you intend to finance
this personality change?
Oh, that's easy.
I'll buy all the parts
second hand from a wrecking yard
and do all the work myself.
You can do all that
mechanical stuff?
Um, no, but I can learn.
You just wait.
One day old super van here
will be carting around
Melanie Cosway
and other fine ladies.
Well, lucky them.
The who has done what?
The society for the preservation
of the nuclear family.
SPNF, for short.
Well, they've accepted your
nomination
for their
"Father of the Year" award.
But why me?
Tom, you must admit,
you've been rather
rather productive
in that area.
Come on, Elliot, please.
Why, I took the liberty
of sending in
your nomination myself.
Oh, then it was you.
Well, no thanks, Elliot
I've had enough awards
this year.
Aww, now come on, Tom,
you mustn't be so modest.
You deserve all the recognition
you can get.
And so does the paper.
Oh, now I get it.
A little free publicity
for "The Register."
Thanks a lot.
But no thanks.
Well, I really wish
you'd reconsider
as a favor to an old friend.
- And employer.
- Oh..
Well, since you put it that way
I don't have to make
any speeches now, do I?
No, of course not.
Oh, you'll be expected to do
a few little things.
In the next few days..
A representative from
the society for the preservation
of the nuclear family
or SPNF for short,
is coming to visit.
His name is Robert Mayberry.
And he's coming here to
interview the whole family
to assess my qualifications
for their
"Father of the year" award.
Ah, another award.
Don't you have enough notches on
your typewriter already, dad?
Please, don't be sarcastic now.
This is very important
to "The Register."
We all have to do
the best we can.
Do we get double allowances if
we give you a great buil-dup?
No, no. This all has
to be on the up and up.
We must tell the truth
and let the chips
and the awards
fall where they may.
Oh, there goes
all the fun.
(Tom)
'Just consider it,
as part of the dues'
that we must pay
for being a Bradford.
Oh, and I almost forgot.
I guess I should mention this
the winner gets
a free trip for himself
and his whole family to Hawaii.
Am I hallucinating
or did I just hear someone
mention a trip to Hawaii?
If you are,
it's contagious.
I've always wanted
to go to Hawaii.
Really?
Surfboards, water skiing, luau.
Really?
You know, suddenly I get
this feeling that
it's our moral duty to
make sure dad wins that award.
Yeah, but he said
to tell the truth.
Hey, that's no problem.
Dad's a great father. Look at
the terrific kids he turned out.
Yeah, anyway,
dad's a shoe-in.
When Mayberry comes,
we'll just tell it like it is.
[clearing throat]
Well...like it almost is.
[instrumental music]
Hello.
David.
- Hi.
- 'Hi.'
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
So what's going on? You said you
had a big surprise for me.
Yeah.
I just want you to be the first
to know that
you have a new roommate
and a new residence.
Are you serious?
Yeah. Very serious.
How about you?
Oh, David.
Well, I carefully weighed
the pros and cons and..
...I decided to do it anyway.
It'll workout, David,
I know it will.
Oh, in that case,
why don't we start
things off in the right foot.
Come on.
[music continues]
[laughing]
Oh!
I love you, David Bradford.
- My sentiments exactly.
- Oh, say it.
Okay.
I love you, too.
[music continues]
- Dad!
- Oh, wow, you remember my face.
I haven't seen you in so long,
I was beginning to wonder
if you'll recognize me.
So, I brought you
some breakfast.
I know you remember breakfast.
May I come in?
Yeah, I guess.
You might as well.
Might as well?
Am I intruding or something?
I just wish I had a better
chance to prepare you.
Prepare me?
For what?
Good morning, Mr. Bradford.
Oh..
Yeah, it is morning,
isn't it?
We were going to tell you
about this, Mr. Bradford.
Tell me about it, what?
Y-y-you mean you eloped.
No, no. But Janet's gonna be
living with me.
[instrumental music]
Oh..
Well I..
I didn't bring enough breakfast
for the three of us, so..
...I'll just leave it with you.
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
(Tom)
How could they even do this?
Tom, I know how you feel
and I agree
that a wedding would've
been lovely.
But if -year-old David wants
to live with -year-old Janet
Well, then there's nothing
we can do about it.
Ah! Why do my kids always have
to do everything the hard way?
You're afraid David's gonna get
hurt, it that right?
Yes, there's no such thing
as a half commitment.
You don't avoid problems
by avoiding marriage.
What's gonna carry them over
the rough spots?
How about love?
Well, if they're
that much in love
why're they having a trial run?
Why don't they get married?
Maybe they're not ready
for marriage.
If David isn't ready
for marriage
why is he ready for the problems
of living as if he were?
I tell you,
I don't understand it.
How would David have felt
if you and I had lived together?
Then you wouldn't
have understood.
[chuckles]
What did you say to David?
Oh, gosh,
don't remind me.
I-I was in such
a state of shock
I probably made
a fool of myself.
What are you gonna say
to the kids?
Don't worry about it.
I think I hear the drums
b*ating now.
Mary, have you heard?
David and Janet
are living together.
- Yes, I had a hunch.
- You did?
- Umm.
- The details or your life.
I don't believe it,
David down for the count.
David and Janet? What happened
to Andrea, Sharon and Cindy?
You mean there's not gonna
be a wedding?
I thought David had more respect
for himself and for Janet.
That devil!
What's going on around here?
Uh, why, what do you mean,
Nicholas?
Well, everybody is whispering
about David and Janet.
When I walk into the room
they act like I caught them
doing something wrong.
- What gives?
- Oh, don't worry about it.
You wouldn't be interested.
It-it's grown up stuff.
Boy, if you have to pull
that grown up stuff
this must be
a really heavy one.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
You're just in time to help.
Here, hold this.
Eww..
Tommy, do you know
Scott Shelly?
He's on the basketball team.
Uh, yeah. Hand me that
crescent wrench, will you?
He's kinda cute,
don't you think?
Boy, this had better fit,
or I'm in big trouble.
I mean, cute in a tall
sort of way.
[sighs]
Man, this baby is
gonna run like a demon.
You know, the problem is,
he's so hard to get to know.
I think he's really shy.
Let's see, does this tube go
over there or over here?
How do you think I should
get him to ask me out?
If you were him,
would you ask me out?
You want me to ask you
out on a date?
No, stupid.
Scott Shelly.
You want me to ask
Scott Shelly out on a date?
Haven't you been listenin'?
I wanna go out with
Scott Shelly.
Oh..
Scott Shelly's a jerk.
You don't wanna
go out with him.
Thanks a lot for the advice.
Hey, don't mention it.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh, shucks.
- 'Hello.'
- Hello, Mr. Bradford?
I'm Robert L. Mayberry
from the society for the
preservation of nuclear family.
Oh, yes, right.
SPNF for short.
- Won't you come in?
- Oh, thank you.
I-I-I tell you,
I was just on my way out.
Oh, well, actually I'm here
to interview
your children and your wife.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Well then, I'll tell Abby
that you're here.
A-Abby!
Mr. Mayberry is here.
Come on down.
She'll be right down. Maybe I'll
see you when I get back.
Have a nice day,
Mr. Mayberry.
Abby!
- Hi.
- Oh..
[chuckles]
Uh, may I help you?
Robert L. Mayberry,
I'm waiting for Mrs. Bradford.
Oh, well, hi.
I'm Joannie Bradford.
I'll see if she's upstairs.
Oh, I think we got everything.
- Hey, hi, how you doing?
- Hello.
I'm Robert L. Mayberry.
Oh, are you waiting
for somebody?
Oh, well, actually,
Joannie said that--
Oh, Joannie,
she'll take forever.
Yeah, let's go see if we can
hurry her up.
- Oh, uh--
- Hello.
Oh, hello.
I'm Robert L. Mayberry.
Hi, Mary Bradford.
Who were you waiting for?
Oh, well,
originally Mrs. Bradford.
Oh, Abby, Abby's in the kitchen,
I think.
I'll go get her.
Just a minute.
Oh, and uh..
- Hello.
- Hi.
Um..
Excuse me, Bob Mayberry.
This is Tommy,
Elizabeth Bradford.
- How do you do?
- Hi, Bob.
- Uh, it's Robert L.
- Robert L.
Uh, Abby's not in the kitchen,
she must be upstairs.
Why don't you take off your
coat, make yourself comfortable.
I'll be right back.
Hey, who's that
guy out there?
I don't know, it's somebody
waiting for Joannie.
Mary said something
about Abby.
Wait a minute, Mayberry,
where have I heard that before?
I don't know, it has
a familiar ring to it.
Ring?
Diamond?
Diamond Head?
- Hawaii!
- Oh, no.
[instrumental music]
Mr. Mayberry, hello.
Reverend Mayberry.
So sorry.
- Here, let me take your coat.
- Oh, sorry about--
[indistinct chatter]
Are you sure
we have to do this?
We gotta get it
over with sometime.
I think, I'd rather
be taking my bar exam.
Oh, Janet, you just don't know
how happy we are that David's
finally settling down.
- It's about time, believe me.
- Really?
And as token of our appreciation
we gotta present for you.
Oh, Susan, you don't have to
give me a present.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I insist.
Well, actually, it's a present
for both you and David.
I took the liberty
of writing down
some of his favorite recipes.
- But, Susan--
- Uh, Janet.
Everybody knows that the way to
David's heart is
through his appetite.
Be right back.
Well, Janet
now that we're finally alone,
tell me..
...how's it going with David?
Well, it's only been
a few days, Mary.
Oh, I know that but..
Well, it's not too early
for some good advice.
Uh, David has got to be treated
very, very carefully.
You gotta keep
a tight rein on him.
[telephone rings]
Let him know that you care.
Otherwise, he gets
really insecure.
And there's not many people
who know that about David.
But, but believe me,
a sister knows.
Mary, telephone for you.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Oh, Janet, I'm so happy
for you and David.
You make such a nice couple.
Thanks.
Oh, I mean..
If you knew all the girls
that have come and gone.
Listen, can I give you
some advice?
David is a very complex person.
I mean, he needs to feel free.
'Y-y-you know what I mean?'
'The secret to keeping David
would be..'
Well, as the Syrian poet
Hashi Al-Qatar says
"Hold him with open arms."
"Hold him with open arms."
'"Don't hover, don't intrude."'
Do you know what I mean?
These are things that a sister
really knows.
You're just the man
I wanted to see.
Take a look.
Presenting...the ultimate.
Oh, my..
The ultimate what?
Oh, hey, come take
a look at the engine.
I got it all souped-up.
Are you ready?
Hey, Tommy, this van
is very sensitive.
It took tender loving care to
keep it running all those years.
'You know, if you've tampered
with it too much'
'I don't know
what might happen.'
'It might have
a nervous breakdown.'
Hey, David, no problem.
I did all of
the work personally.
Hey, I'm sorry, big fella,
if I had known this was coming
I would've taken it
to the junk yard
and put you out your misery.
Janet, here's your recipes.
And guess what? Tonight we're
having David's all time
number six favorite recipe
for desserts.
So you'll be able to see
exactly how he likes it fixed.
Well, actually Susan we take
turns preparing our meals.
Oh, Janet,
that's very dangerous.
David has to be fussed over.
- David?
- Yeah, David.
Ah, no, Janet,
she's wrong.
Oh, yeah,
don't listen to her.
She doesn't know
what she's talking about.
- David?
- Yeah!
Uh, did I hear someone
mention dinner?
So, tell me, Janet, how are
things going at law school?
Great, Mr. Bradford.
Just the other day--
Um, I think the law's so
fascinating. Oh, thank you.
It's just like a real life
drama, don't you think?
Yeah, it really is.
Especially criminal law.
Hey, I think it should be
a trip defending a criminal.
But all the big bucks
I hear are in corporate law.
Well, I wouldn't know
about that?
'Cause most of our cases--
I'll bet they're
malpractice suits.
I mean, by the time that
I'm a doctor
I'm gonna need a relative
who's a lawyer. Ha..
'What I meant was that,
a friend would do.'
Can I ask you a question?
What's going on
with David and Janet
that I'm not supposed to
know about?
Nicholas, please.
You're embarrassing our guest.
No, dad, it's alright. Nicholas,
Janet and I are living together.
Oh, but aren't people who live
together supposed to be married?
How come you didn't invite me
to the wedding?
- There hasn't been a wedding.
- I don't get it.
If there hasn't been a wedding--
Nicholas, you'll understand
when you get older.
That's the end
of the discussion.
Boy, everybody else in this
family can be older, except me.
Oh, poor Janet.
Nicholas really embarrassed her.
Don't worry about Janet.
She'll get over it.
Worry about us
getting to Hawaii.
Yeah, when Nicholas tells
the Reverend Robert L
about Janet and David,
it'll blow everything.
Ha-ha, really, there's nothing
very nuclear about
David and Janet's
living arrangements.
Why did Janet have to come in
David's life right now, anyway?
Oh, now, now, now.
Calm down, Nancy.
No big deal,
we'll just have to keep
Nicholas away from
the reverend and not mention
Janet and David's
living arrangements.
Yeah, is that
really honest?
We'll talk about it
in Hawaii.
You haven't said a word
since we left the house.
I'm sorry. Your family left me
a little speechless.
Yes, they can be
a little overwhelming.
They're just trying to
make you feel at home.
I felt at home alright.
Nicholas is upset with us.
You father's uncomfortable
every time he looks at me.
'I got four kinds of advice
on how to conduct our romance.'
Oh, Tommy wants me
to check over
his new tape deck
warranty for..
...legal loop holes.
In your spare time.
What spare time?
What'd you say?
Oh, nothing.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello.
I.. I hope
I'm not intruding
but I have a few more
Bradford's to talk to.
Oh, of course not,
come on in.
Ah, do you have
a few minutes?
Uh, me? Well, gee,
I'm going downtown.
You see, there's a sale
and I'm kind of in a hurry but
maybe you could talk to some of
the other kids in the house?
- Hi.
- Oh, Nicholas.
On the other hand, maybe I do
have a few extra minutes
that I can spare.
I mean,
I know how important it is
for you to get
the whole picture.
Uh, Nicholas, Abby want's you in
the kitchen right now.
This is a beauty.
It is a total classic.
You're gonna love it.
Yeah, it's a classic.
- It's great.
- Where's Abby?
How should I know?
But Nancy said,
she was in here and she--
Shh!
Talkin' to Melanie Cosway.
If anybody wants me,
I'll be in my clubhouse.
I'm sorry, Melanie,
it was my little brother.
Anyway, how would you like
to take a ride in my wheels?
Yeah, well, it used to belong
to my older brother
but there have been
a few modifications.
Yeah, I'd like to
show 'em to you.
Friday?
Yeah, that'll be great.
Alright, bye-bye.
Out of sight.
[knocking on door]
- Who is it?
- 'It's Elizabeth.'
- Hi.
- Hi, how's it goin'?
Fine.
Uh, David's not here.
Well, actually
I came by to see you.
I need some advice,
so, you got a minute?
Sure.
Sit down.
So, what kind of
advice do you need?
Well, now see,
there's this guy at school.
And he's really cute
and everything
but he's quiet and shy.
You know, a lot like David.
So, anyway, I'm trying
to figure out
how to get him to
ask me out.
So, why don't you
just ask him out?
Is that how you got David?
You took the initiative.
No. Not really.
Um..
All I can tell you is just
to be yourself.
Oh, but I'm shy too.
And I find myself
and he's himself
then we'll never
get anywhere.
I bet you put some good
moves on David.
I mean, to get him to let you
move in and everything, right?
Ah, I didn't put
any moves on him.
It was a mutual decision.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to pry into your..
...trade secrets.
Trade secrets?
Hi, what are you doing here?
Oh, just girl talk.
We're through.
- How's it going?
- Fine.
Uh, gotta get ready for class,
if you'll excuse me please.
- Something the matter?
- No, nothing's wrong, I'm..
I gotta get home
for dinner, bye.
Bye.
See you later.
Umm..
You want another piece of
"Danny's magic pizza?"
Mm-hmm.
How elegant.
[chuckles]
Don't worry, the real
David Bradford will soon emerge
with torn t-shirt
and a can of beer.
I can handle that.
[knocking on door]
[clearing throat]
Hey, David, hi.
I hope I'm not
intruding to much.
No, no, no, Janet and I
are just having a little dinner.
Oh, well, maybe I can
come back a little later?
- Is it something important?
- Well, kinda.
You see I'm on
the remodeling committee
down at the day care center and
I promised to work out a budget
but I don't know anything
about construction
and it has to be done tomorrow.
'It'll only take a couple
of minutes, now, please.'
- Come on in.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh..
- Hey, Janet, hi.
- Hi.
Would you care for
a piece of pizza?
We have vegetarian bonanza
and idiot's delight?
Oh, no thanks, I already ate.
I'll just...wait here.
Don't, don't mind me
I'll just..
- Aren't you hungry?
- No.
I think I've had
just about enough.
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[telephone rings]
- Hello.
- Hello, Janet.
Hi, this is Nancy Bradford.
Is David there please?
Uh, yes.
Nancy where are you?
I'm at a party, oh!
And my date is soused.
Look, ah, I don't want to risk
driving home with him.
And he won't give me the
car keys, I can't drive home.
Look its after curfew,
and if I call dad, well
I'll be grounded for a week.
Do you think David
can give a ride home?
David's asleep, Nancy,
I could come.
Oh, no Janet,
I wouldn't wanna impose on you.
Oh, that's okay,
I've been there myself.
'I-I don't mind really.'
No, no, no, I couldn't.
I mean..
It's one thing if you are
family but I..
Okay, um, I'll get David.
Thanks.
I thought I was family.
[yawning]
You're out kinda late
last night, huh?
- Hmm, well just until curfew.
- Right.
Well, I didn't miss
by much.
[doorbell ringing]
- Hey, Nicholas, go get that.
- Why me?
Uh, because you're closest.
- You mean the smallest.
- That too.
I wonder who's here so early.
Well, probably somebody selling
something, or taking a survey.
Mayberry, oh!
Hello, Nicholas,
it's nice to see you--
Hello, Reverend Mayberry,
nice to see you.
Hello, I was just
about to get acquainted
with the youngest
Bradford at last.
Oh, well, Nicholas has to
go to school.
They get very nasty
when he's late.
Uh, how about if I give
Nicholas a ride to school
and then we can
talk on the way?
Oh, no, no, no, wait,
wait a minute.
I just remembered that I
forgot to tell you some
very significant things
about my father
very nuclear family
type things.
Very nuclear family?
Uh, Nancy, why don't we take
Nicholas to school now?
Okay, come on, Nicholas.
Hey, are you sure
I'm gonna understand
all this stuff
when I am older?
Uh..
Um, oh, well..
Uh, what was it
you wanted to tell me?
Oh, uh, yeah,
Reverend Mayberry.
This must be very exciting
work, huh?
You get to meet a lot of
interesting people--
Um, no, actually most of the
people I meet are quite boring.
That's why I'm enjoying you
Bradford's so much.
You're all so extremely,
uh, colorful.
- Even, a bit picante.
- Oh, picante, eh?
Is that good or bad?
You can take that
as a compliment.
Now, uh, what was it
you wanted to tell me before?
Uh, very nuclear
family, remember?
Oh, oh, yeah,
a very nuclear family.
Reverend Mayberry, I must tell
you about the time I dropped
a whole bowl of apple sauce
into my dad's lap.
It was a new suit, and he wasn't
even mad, can you believe that?
[clearing throat]
Ooh.
Did I ever tell you,
you are gorgeous?
Once or twice.
Can you believe it?
It's already our anniversary.
A whole week together and
it seems like only yesterday
we were just a couple of
crazy kids going steady.
And look at us now,
an old unmarried couple
in the twilight
of our years.
[sighs]
David..
You're not gonna wear
that tie are you?
No good.
Well, stripes and plaids
don't mix.
Oh, I knew I'd been doing
something wrong all these years.
- Excuse me.
- Certainly.
[music on stereo]
[tires screeching]
[engine cranking]
[horn honking]
[indistinct shouting]
- That's much better.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Shall we go?
- Okay.
[telephone rings]
Oh, come on,
they'll call back later.
No, no,
I better get it.
Hello.
Oh, David am I glad
you're home.
This is an emergency,
I need help.
The van conked out in the middle
of Springfield Boulevard
and, and I can't
get it started.
'And I can't push it out of
the way, what do I do?'
And what is it,
the carburetor?
I don't know,
it just won't start.
The traffic is getting
backed up for blocks.
David, I need help.
Janet and I were just
going out the door.
(Tommy)
'David, this crowd
is getting ugly.'
'There's no telling what they
might do to me or the van.'
- What is it?
- Tommy's stuck with the van.
Look, David, they're gonna
roll the van over
if I don't do something quick.
Okay, okay, where are you?
'Springfield, the third.'
Alright, I'll be there
in minutes.
I'm sorry,
Tommy needs my help.
Call the restaurant,
see if you can make
a later reservation, okay?
Okay.
Oh!
Isn't it gorgeous?
I can just see myself
lying on the beach
getting a golden tan.
What are you gonna do?
Ooh, I think I'll explore
some of the remote islands.
Maybe rent a bike.
Oh, yeah, that'd be great,
we could go to..
Hello, guys,
what do you think?
Huh, super isn't it?
Oh, Nancy,
you're not wearing that.
Of course, I am,
you guys don't want me
to look like a tourist,
do you?
God forbid.
[chuckles]
What the devil. May I ask
what's going on in here?
Oh, hi, dad, you wanna learn
this dance? It's kind of fun.
Yeah, we're just gearing
up to att*ck Hawaii.
- Slightly premature, isn't it?
- No.
You're gonna win
the award, dad.
The society for the prevention
of the nuclear family
just has to see you're
the best choice.
Nancy, don't you mean
"Preservation?"
Oh, whatever.
Well, the votes
aren't even in yet.
So, I suggest
that you don't count
your luaus before they hatch.
[all laughing]
You see what I mean?
That's just what a perfect
father should say.
Yeah, you win.
Janet.
[keys jingling]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[dialing]
[dialing]
[engaged tone]
[engaged tone]
When did she leave?
Sometime last night.
No, note, nothing.
She just picked up and left.
After you went to
rescue Tommy, huh?
Yeah.
She never mentioned that
there was any kinda problem.
I don't understand.
Are you sure you don't know
why she left?
Of course, I'm sure.
- Hmm.
- What are you getting at?
Well, maybe a slight overdose
of the Bradford family.
I almost left home once
for the same reason.
Yeah, but, Abby,
that's different.
You married into a family
of eight children.
Janet's only living with me.
David, you are used to us.
For some people we're, um..
...a little overwhelming.
That's why you moved out
in the first place, remember?
Are we that bad?
No, no, you're not that bad.
Just a little
unaware sometimes.
I still feel like,
I'm in competition
with all of you
for Tom's attention.
But that's okay,
because I love you.
But see, Janet just didn't
have enough time
to have some of those feelings.
I see your point.
David..
You can't change who you are.
Your family is a very
real part of your life.
And if Janet is with you,
then they're a part of hers too.
Hey, David, getting ready
to play football this week?
We really need you.
Oh, boy, you don't want
us to get skunked, do you?
- No, no, I'll be there.
- Oh, good.
Oh, hey, David don't forget
to bring Janet.
Um, Janet resigned
from the team.
Huh? David..
What was that all about?
I think we should have
a little talk.
[knocking on door]
- Hi.
- Uh, hello.
Hi, um, we'd like
to talk to Janet.
We heard that she was
staying here.
Oh, well,
let me see if she's in.
Please tell her the Bradford's
are her to see her.
[sighs]
[clearing throat]
[knocking on door]
Yup.
Janet, there're bunch of people
here to see you.
They say their name's Bradford.
[sighs]
Oh, no.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Janet, uh..
I guess that you're not to..
...thrilled to see us
all right now.
Especially after what happened
between you and David but..
We wanna apologize,
we feel bad.
Oh, Janet, we didn't know,
we were interfering, honest.
Janet, we're a close family,
you know.
We're used to living on top
of each other, no privacy.
Just a lot of people
that care about each other.
Yeah, we just wanted to
make you feel at home.
I guess that sort of backfired,
we're really sorry.
I'm not sure why I'm here,
but I'm sorry too.
- Was that okay?
- Yes, that was okay.
That's it, I guess.
Thank you for giving us
a chance to apologize.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Sorry.
Look, I know it was..
It was stupid of me
to just run of
like that, but..
I didn't want to talk.
I just wanted to escape.
I never stopped to think that
leaving you would be
worse than facing you.
But what was it
you couldn't tell me?
Well, I guess..
David it's your family.
I know you love them and they're
wonderful really but
'I felt bombarded.'
I did not mean to
hurt you David.
But I, I wanted
to live with you.
Not your family.
I know.
Guess, I'm just used to it.
[music continues]
I didn't stop to think
what kind of effect
my family would have on you.
'But, Janet, I,
I'm a Bradford.'
They're part of me,
and I'm part of them.
And I hope you won't make me
choose between you and them.
I won't you both.
Janet, I, still love you
very much.
Ever since I left,
I've been miserable.
[both chuckle]
I still love you, too,
David Bradford.
Well then,
will you come back?
I could give it a try.
I don't promise my family
would change but I..
I promise you that they'll
respect our privacy.
But I wouldn't want
them to change.
I just want us to have
our family too.
- I think we can.
- Good.
Because, um..
...I took the liberty of
drawing up a contract.
What?
[clearing throat]
- Contract?
- Yes.
"Whereas the party of the first
part will love and respect
the party of the second part."
[both laughing]
So, if you'll just sign
down here.
No, no, not so fast.
I have to have my lawyer
look it over.
[both laughing]
The society took into account
a number of factors
in determining this
"Father of the year" award.
Accessibility to one's children,
outside interest
'community service,
family solidarity.'
'And perhaps most important..'
'...moral leadership.'
Bet you, dad scored
high on that one.
We are after all
living in a changing world.
A world in which the
traditional family values
are often cast out
for more, uh..
More expedient ways of living.
Dad sure isn't expedient.
The society is of
the conviction that it is
the nuclear family above
all other institutions
'that can best counteract
the erosion of these, uh..'
'...traditional family values.'
- David.
- Janet.
- Ow, excuse me.
- Um..
- Hello.
- Janet.
Are you guys still..
- I mean, you know.
- Yeah.
Oh!
- Ssh, hey.
- Oh, yeah.
Come on.
[indistinct chatter]
The-this is my son, David
and Janet who..
Don't worry,
I'm not saying nothing.
Reverend Mayberry, what my
father was going to say but
is too kind
and polite to, uh..
...risk embarrassing
anyone is that
yes, this is his son, David.
And the woman he lives with
Janet McArthur.
- Uh, without benefit--
- Correct.
Just benefit of themselves.
Ah, I, uh..
I wish uh..
I just wish I had been
informed of this.
It does change things.
Why Reverend Mayberry?
I mean, he's still
a terrific father.
Perhaps, but, uh..
- Uh, Miss, uh, Janet--
- McAurther.
(Mayberry)
'Is not part of what
the society intends'
'a nuclear family to be.'
What's wrong with her?
Yeah, I thought you said
we were pecant.
Picante is one thing.
Co-habitation is
quite another.
Now, wait a minute,
just a second.
David, is my oldest son,
he's years old.
'If his private life is going
to interfere with my receiving'
some kind of an award..
Well, then, you can just
take your reward and--
I think I get
the general idea.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I really am, I..
I'll just, uh..
Um..
Let myself out.
Thank you.
Well, who wanted to go
to Hawaii, anyway?
Yeah, it rains a lot
this time of year.
Yeah, ha-ha.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, well, we have something
better than Hawaii.
A new member of the family.
- Alright.
- Yeah.
Thank you, guys.
[indistinct chatter]
[all cheering]
Thank you, thank you.
I am truly honored to be
given this award
by this family and I will
do my best to live up to it.
Oh, see dad,
that wasn't so hard.
- Really.
- Painless.
Yeah, dad, being "Father of the
year" is a, a piece of cake.
Oh!
Hey, you know dad a
"Father of the year"
will probably extend curfews.
- Oh, definitely.
- Yeah, and raise allowances.
- Yeah.
- At the very least.
Now, wait a minute, I thought
I was voted "Father of the year"
not patsy of the year.
[telephone ringing]
Oh, that's probably Mayberry
saying that
they've reconsidered.
Yeah.
Hello.
Oh, just a moment please.
Did anyone in this family
enquire about group rates on
uh, motorbikes, surfboards
and scuba-diving equipment?
Sorry, wrong family.
Must be some other family in
the Sacramento area with, uh..
...ten people
and a "Father of the year."
[all laughing]
[theme music]
[music continues]
Oh..
Hi, Nicholas.
Hi, dad.
How long have
you been home?
Uh.. A while.
Why?
I-I-I thought I saw you
walking home with a girl.
I stopped to give you a lift
but by the time I turned around,
you were gone.
A girl? Nah!
I'd never walk home with a girl.
Must have been somebody else.
Oh, that's what I thought,
but, sure looked like you.
[telephone rings]
Excuse me.
Hello.
Oh, yes, yes.
He's here.
Just a minute.
Nicholas, it's for you.
I think it's a girl.
Her name is
Polly Sanders?
Um..
We're doing a book report.
See you later, Nicholas.
[instrumental music]
I thought I told you,
never to call me here.
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic in the early ♪
♪ Morning we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles on ♪
♪ Everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait of
the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ Oh eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright and
shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
I wanna spend the night.
That would be nice.
Except you have to go
to work at :.
Which means you have to get up
at : to go home and change
and that's only three hours
from now.
Once again, practicality and
reason rears its ugly head.
There's a solution
to our problem.
And what might that be?
We could move in together.
It's just a reminder.
You said you'd think about it.
I know.
And I'm getting around
to thinking about it.
I'm not asking for
any commitments.
I'm just trying to
simplify our life.
- At your place?
- I could settle for yours.
With certain
redecorating privileges.
In that case,
we'll think about it harder.
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
- Hey.
- Hi.
Well, what do you think,
is it really me?
Well, it's a little
hard to think of the van
as Tommy Bradford.
It's still more
David Bradford.
Yeah, my point exactly.
You know, I met this girl
in the school parking lot today
and she was really interested
until she saw my van.
She was totally underwhelmed.
You know, I think a man's wheels
really oughta make a statement
about who he is, you know.
Now, what does this van
say to you about me?
- Not much.
- Yeah, I know.
But, what if it had a
shag carpet, a souped-up engine
quadraphonic sound, dual exhaust
and a velocity stack on the car.
Then what would it
say to you?
Uh, intriguing.
Ah, you took the words,
right outta my mouth.
Yeah, and you'll be taking the
bucks right outta your pocket.
How do you intend to finance
this personality change?
Oh, that's easy.
I'll buy all the parts
second hand from a wrecking yard
and do all the work myself.
You can do all that
mechanical stuff?
Um, no, but I can learn.
You just wait.
One day old super van here
will be carting around
Melanie Cosway
and other fine ladies.
Well, lucky them.
The who has done what?
The society for the preservation
of the nuclear family.
SPNF, for short.
Well, they've accepted your
nomination
for their
"Father of the Year" award.
But why me?
Tom, you must admit,
you've been rather
rather productive
in that area.
Come on, Elliot, please.
Why, I took the liberty
of sending in
your nomination myself.
Oh, then it was you.
Well, no thanks, Elliot
I've had enough awards
this year.
Aww, now come on, Tom,
you mustn't be so modest.
You deserve all the recognition
you can get.
And so does the paper.
Oh, now I get it.
A little free publicity
for "The Register."
Thanks a lot.
But no thanks.
Well, I really wish
you'd reconsider
as a favor to an old friend.
- And employer.
- Oh..
Well, since you put it that way
I don't have to make
any speeches now, do I?
No, of course not.
Oh, you'll be expected to do
a few little things.
In the next few days..
A representative from
the society for the preservation
of the nuclear family
or SPNF for short,
is coming to visit.
His name is Robert Mayberry.
And he's coming here to
interview the whole family
to assess my qualifications
for their
"Father of the year" award.
Ah, another award.
Don't you have enough notches on
your typewriter already, dad?
Please, don't be sarcastic now.
This is very important
to "The Register."
We all have to do
the best we can.
Do we get double allowances if
we give you a great buil-dup?
No, no. This all has
to be on the up and up.
We must tell the truth
and let the chips
and the awards
fall where they may.
Oh, there goes
all the fun.
(Tom)
'Just consider it,
as part of the dues'
that we must pay
for being a Bradford.
Oh, and I almost forgot.
I guess I should mention this
the winner gets
a free trip for himself
and his whole family to Hawaii.
Am I hallucinating
or did I just hear someone
mention a trip to Hawaii?
If you are,
it's contagious.
I've always wanted
to go to Hawaii.
Really?
Surfboards, water skiing, luau.
Really?
You know, suddenly I get
this feeling that
it's our moral duty to
make sure dad wins that award.
Yeah, but he said
to tell the truth.
Hey, that's no problem.
Dad's a great father. Look at
the terrific kids he turned out.
Yeah, anyway,
dad's a shoe-in.
When Mayberry comes,
we'll just tell it like it is.
[clearing throat]
Well...like it almost is.
[instrumental music]
Hello.
David.
- Hi.
- 'Hi.'
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
So what's going on? You said you
had a big surprise for me.
Yeah.
I just want you to be the first
to know that
you have a new roommate
and a new residence.
Are you serious?
Yeah. Very serious.
How about you?
Oh, David.
Well, I carefully weighed
the pros and cons and..
...I decided to do it anyway.
It'll workout, David,
I know it will.
Oh, in that case,
why don't we start
things off in the right foot.
Come on.
[music continues]
[laughing]
Oh!
I love you, David Bradford.
- My sentiments exactly.
- Oh, say it.
Okay.
I love you, too.
[music continues]
- Dad!
- Oh, wow, you remember my face.
I haven't seen you in so long,
I was beginning to wonder
if you'll recognize me.
So, I brought you
some breakfast.
I know you remember breakfast.
May I come in?
Yeah, I guess.
You might as well.
Might as well?
Am I intruding or something?
I just wish I had a better
chance to prepare you.
Prepare me?
For what?
Good morning, Mr. Bradford.
Oh..
Yeah, it is morning,
isn't it?
We were going to tell you
about this, Mr. Bradford.
Tell me about it, what?
Y-y-you mean you eloped.
No, no. But Janet's gonna be
living with me.
[instrumental music]
Oh..
Well I..
I didn't bring enough breakfast
for the three of us, so..
...I'll just leave it with you.
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
(Tom)
How could they even do this?
Tom, I know how you feel
and I agree
that a wedding would've
been lovely.
But if -year-old David wants
to live with -year-old Janet
Well, then there's nothing
we can do about it.
Ah! Why do my kids always have
to do everything the hard way?
You're afraid David's gonna get
hurt, it that right?
Yes, there's no such thing
as a half commitment.
You don't avoid problems
by avoiding marriage.
What's gonna carry them over
the rough spots?
How about love?
Well, if they're
that much in love
why're they having a trial run?
Why don't they get married?
Maybe they're not ready
for marriage.
If David isn't ready
for marriage
why is he ready for the problems
of living as if he were?
I tell you,
I don't understand it.
How would David have felt
if you and I had lived together?
Then you wouldn't
have understood.
[chuckles]
What did you say to David?
Oh, gosh,
don't remind me.
I-I was in such
a state of shock
I probably made
a fool of myself.
What are you gonna say
to the kids?
Don't worry about it.
I think I hear the drums
b*ating now.
Mary, have you heard?
David and Janet
are living together.
- Yes, I had a hunch.
- You did?
- Umm.
- The details or your life.
I don't believe it,
David down for the count.
David and Janet? What happened
to Andrea, Sharon and Cindy?
You mean there's not gonna
be a wedding?
I thought David had more respect
for himself and for Janet.
That devil!
What's going on around here?
Uh, why, what do you mean,
Nicholas?
Well, everybody is whispering
about David and Janet.
When I walk into the room
they act like I caught them
doing something wrong.
- What gives?
- Oh, don't worry about it.
You wouldn't be interested.
It-it's grown up stuff.
Boy, if you have to pull
that grown up stuff
this must be
a really heavy one.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
You're just in time to help.
Here, hold this.
Eww..
Tommy, do you know
Scott Shelly?
He's on the basketball team.
Uh, yeah. Hand me that
crescent wrench, will you?
He's kinda cute,
don't you think?
Boy, this had better fit,
or I'm in big trouble.
I mean, cute in a tall
sort of way.
[sighs]
Man, this baby is
gonna run like a demon.
You know, the problem is,
he's so hard to get to know.
I think he's really shy.
Let's see, does this tube go
over there or over here?
How do you think I should
get him to ask me out?
If you were him,
would you ask me out?
You want me to ask you
out on a date?
No, stupid.
Scott Shelly.
You want me to ask
Scott Shelly out on a date?
Haven't you been listenin'?
I wanna go out with
Scott Shelly.
Oh..
Scott Shelly's a jerk.
You don't wanna
go out with him.
Thanks a lot for the advice.
Hey, don't mention it.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh, shucks.
- 'Hello.'
- Hello, Mr. Bradford?
I'm Robert L. Mayberry
from the society for the
preservation of nuclear family.
Oh, yes, right.
SPNF for short.
- Won't you come in?
- Oh, thank you.
I-I-I tell you,
I was just on my way out.
Oh, well, actually I'm here
to interview
your children and your wife.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Well then, I'll tell Abby
that you're here.
A-Abby!
Mr. Mayberry is here.
Come on down.
She'll be right down. Maybe I'll
see you when I get back.
Have a nice day,
Mr. Mayberry.
Abby!
- Hi.
- Oh..
[chuckles]
Uh, may I help you?
Robert L. Mayberry,
I'm waiting for Mrs. Bradford.
Oh, well, hi.
I'm Joannie Bradford.
I'll see if she's upstairs.
Oh, I think we got everything.
- Hey, hi, how you doing?
- Hello.
I'm Robert L. Mayberry.
Oh, are you waiting
for somebody?
Oh, well, actually,
Joannie said that--
Oh, Joannie,
she'll take forever.
Yeah, let's go see if we can
hurry her up.
- Oh, uh--
- Hello.
Oh, hello.
I'm Robert L. Mayberry.
Hi, Mary Bradford.
Who were you waiting for?
Oh, well,
originally Mrs. Bradford.
Oh, Abby, Abby's in the kitchen,
I think.
I'll go get her.
Just a minute.
Oh, and uh..
- Hello.
- Hi.
Um..
Excuse me, Bob Mayberry.
This is Tommy,
Elizabeth Bradford.
- How do you do?
- Hi, Bob.
- Uh, it's Robert L.
- Robert L.
Uh, Abby's not in the kitchen,
she must be upstairs.
Why don't you take off your
coat, make yourself comfortable.
I'll be right back.
Hey, who's that
guy out there?
I don't know, it's somebody
waiting for Joannie.
Mary said something
about Abby.
Wait a minute, Mayberry,
where have I heard that before?
I don't know, it has
a familiar ring to it.
Ring?
Diamond?
Diamond Head?
- Hawaii!
- Oh, no.
[instrumental music]
Mr. Mayberry, hello.
Reverend Mayberry.
So sorry.
- Here, let me take your coat.
- Oh, sorry about--
[indistinct chatter]
Are you sure
we have to do this?
We gotta get it
over with sometime.
I think, I'd rather
be taking my bar exam.
Oh, Janet, you just don't know
how happy we are that David's
finally settling down.
- It's about time, believe me.
- Really?
And as token of our appreciation
we gotta present for you.
Oh, Susan, you don't have to
give me a present.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I insist.
Well, actually, it's a present
for both you and David.
I took the liberty
of writing down
some of his favorite recipes.
- But, Susan--
- Uh, Janet.
Everybody knows that the way to
David's heart is
through his appetite.
Be right back.
Well, Janet
now that we're finally alone,
tell me..
...how's it going with David?
Well, it's only been
a few days, Mary.
Oh, I know that but..
Well, it's not too early
for some good advice.
Uh, David has got to be treated
very, very carefully.
You gotta keep
a tight rein on him.
[telephone rings]
Let him know that you care.
Otherwise, he gets
really insecure.
And there's not many people
who know that about David.
But, but believe me,
a sister knows.
Mary, telephone for you.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Oh, Janet, I'm so happy
for you and David.
You make such a nice couple.
Thanks.
Oh, I mean..
If you knew all the girls
that have come and gone.
Listen, can I give you
some advice?
David is a very complex person.
I mean, he needs to feel free.
'Y-y-you know what I mean?'
'The secret to keeping David
would be..'
Well, as the Syrian poet
Hashi Al-Qatar says
"Hold him with open arms."
"Hold him with open arms."
'"Don't hover, don't intrude."'
Do you know what I mean?
These are things that a sister
really knows.
You're just the man
I wanted to see.
Take a look.
Presenting...the ultimate.
Oh, my..
The ultimate what?
Oh, hey, come take
a look at the engine.
I got it all souped-up.
Are you ready?
Hey, Tommy, this van
is very sensitive.
It took tender loving care to
keep it running all those years.
'You know, if you've tampered
with it too much'
'I don't know
what might happen.'
'It might have
a nervous breakdown.'
Hey, David, no problem.
I did all of
the work personally.
Hey, I'm sorry, big fella,
if I had known this was coming
I would've taken it
to the junk yard
and put you out your misery.
Janet, here's your recipes.
And guess what? Tonight we're
having David's all time
number six favorite recipe
for desserts.
So you'll be able to see
exactly how he likes it fixed.
Well, actually Susan we take
turns preparing our meals.
Oh, Janet,
that's very dangerous.
David has to be fussed over.
- David?
- Yeah, David.
Ah, no, Janet,
she's wrong.
Oh, yeah,
don't listen to her.
She doesn't know
what she's talking about.
- David?
- Yeah!
Uh, did I hear someone
mention dinner?
So, tell me, Janet, how are
things going at law school?
Great, Mr. Bradford.
Just the other day--
Um, I think the law's so
fascinating. Oh, thank you.
It's just like a real life
drama, don't you think?
Yeah, it really is.
Especially criminal law.
Hey, I think it should be
a trip defending a criminal.
But all the big bucks
I hear are in corporate law.
Well, I wouldn't know
about that?
'Cause most of our cases--
I'll bet they're
malpractice suits.
I mean, by the time that
I'm a doctor
I'm gonna need a relative
who's a lawyer. Ha..
'What I meant was that,
a friend would do.'
Can I ask you a question?
What's going on
with David and Janet
that I'm not supposed to
know about?
Nicholas, please.
You're embarrassing our guest.
No, dad, it's alright. Nicholas,
Janet and I are living together.
Oh, but aren't people who live
together supposed to be married?
How come you didn't invite me
to the wedding?
- There hasn't been a wedding.
- I don't get it.
If there hasn't been a wedding--
Nicholas, you'll understand
when you get older.
That's the end
of the discussion.
Boy, everybody else in this
family can be older, except me.
Oh, poor Janet.
Nicholas really embarrassed her.
Don't worry about Janet.
She'll get over it.
Worry about us
getting to Hawaii.
Yeah, when Nicholas tells
the Reverend Robert L
about Janet and David,
it'll blow everything.
Ha-ha, really, there's nothing
very nuclear about
David and Janet's
living arrangements.
Why did Janet have to come in
David's life right now, anyway?
Oh, now, now, now.
Calm down, Nancy.
No big deal,
we'll just have to keep
Nicholas away from
the reverend and not mention
Janet and David's
living arrangements.
Yeah, is that
really honest?
We'll talk about it
in Hawaii.
You haven't said a word
since we left the house.
I'm sorry. Your family left me
a little speechless.
Yes, they can be
a little overwhelming.
They're just trying to
make you feel at home.
I felt at home alright.
Nicholas is upset with us.
You father's uncomfortable
every time he looks at me.
'I got four kinds of advice
on how to conduct our romance.'
Oh, Tommy wants me
to check over
his new tape deck
warranty for..
...legal loop holes.
In your spare time.
What spare time?
What'd you say?
Oh, nothing.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello.
I.. I hope
I'm not intruding
but I have a few more
Bradford's to talk to.
Oh, of course not,
come on in.
Ah, do you have
a few minutes?
Uh, me? Well, gee,
I'm going downtown.
You see, there's a sale
and I'm kind of in a hurry but
maybe you could talk to some of
the other kids in the house?
- Hi.
- Oh, Nicholas.
On the other hand, maybe I do
have a few extra minutes
that I can spare.
I mean,
I know how important it is
for you to get
the whole picture.
Uh, Nicholas, Abby want's you in
the kitchen right now.
This is a beauty.
It is a total classic.
You're gonna love it.
Yeah, it's a classic.
- It's great.
- Where's Abby?
How should I know?
But Nancy said,
she was in here and she--
Shh!
Talkin' to Melanie Cosway.
If anybody wants me,
I'll be in my clubhouse.
I'm sorry, Melanie,
it was my little brother.
Anyway, how would you like
to take a ride in my wheels?
Yeah, well, it used to belong
to my older brother
but there have been
a few modifications.
Yeah, I'd like to
show 'em to you.
Friday?
Yeah, that'll be great.
Alright, bye-bye.
Out of sight.
[knocking on door]
- Who is it?
- 'It's Elizabeth.'
- Hi.
- Hi, how's it goin'?
Fine.
Uh, David's not here.
Well, actually
I came by to see you.
I need some advice,
so, you got a minute?
Sure.
Sit down.
So, what kind of
advice do you need?
Well, now see,
there's this guy at school.
And he's really cute
and everything
but he's quiet and shy.
You know, a lot like David.
So, anyway, I'm trying
to figure out
how to get him to
ask me out.
So, why don't you
just ask him out?
Is that how you got David?
You took the initiative.
No. Not really.
Um..
All I can tell you is just
to be yourself.
Oh, but I'm shy too.
And I find myself
and he's himself
then we'll never
get anywhere.
I bet you put some good
moves on David.
I mean, to get him to let you
move in and everything, right?
Ah, I didn't put
any moves on him.
It was a mutual decision.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to pry into your..
...trade secrets.
Trade secrets?
Hi, what are you doing here?
Oh, just girl talk.
We're through.
- How's it going?
- Fine.
Uh, gotta get ready for class,
if you'll excuse me please.
- Something the matter?
- No, nothing's wrong, I'm..
I gotta get home
for dinner, bye.
Bye.
See you later.
Umm..
You want another piece of
"Danny's magic pizza?"
Mm-hmm.
How elegant.
[chuckles]
Don't worry, the real
David Bradford will soon emerge
with torn t-shirt
and a can of beer.
I can handle that.
[knocking on door]
[clearing throat]
Hey, David, hi.
I hope I'm not
intruding to much.
No, no, no, Janet and I
are just having a little dinner.
Oh, well, maybe I can
come back a little later?
- Is it something important?
- Well, kinda.
You see I'm on
the remodeling committee
down at the day care center and
I promised to work out a budget
but I don't know anything
about construction
and it has to be done tomorrow.
'It'll only take a couple
of minutes, now, please.'
- Come on in.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh..
- Hey, Janet, hi.
- Hi.
Would you care for
a piece of pizza?
We have vegetarian bonanza
and idiot's delight?
Oh, no thanks, I already ate.
I'll just...wait here.
Don't, don't mind me
I'll just..
- Aren't you hungry?
- No.
I think I've had
just about enough.
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[telephone rings]
- Hello.
- Hello, Janet.
Hi, this is Nancy Bradford.
Is David there please?
Uh, yes.
Nancy where are you?
I'm at a party, oh!
And my date is soused.
Look, ah, I don't want to risk
driving home with him.
And he won't give me the
car keys, I can't drive home.
Look its after curfew,
and if I call dad, well
I'll be grounded for a week.
Do you think David
can give a ride home?
David's asleep, Nancy,
I could come.
Oh, no Janet,
I wouldn't wanna impose on you.
Oh, that's okay,
I've been there myself.
'I-I don't mind really.'
No, no, no, I couldn't.
I mean..
It's one thing if you are
family but I..
Okay, um, I'll get David.
Thanks.
I thought I was family.
[yawning]
You're out kinda late
last night, huh?
- Hmm, well just until curfew.
- Right.
Well, I didn't miss
by much.
[doorbell ringing]
- Hey, Nicholas, go get that.
- Why me?
Uh, because you're closest.
- You mean the smallest.
- That too.
I wonder who's here so early.
Well, probably somebody selling
something, or taking a survey.
Mayberry, oh!
Hello, Nicholas,
it's nice to see you--
Hello, Reverend Mayberry,
nice to see you.
Hello, I was just
about to get acquainted
with the youngest
Bradford at last.
Oh, well, Nicholas has to
go to school.
They get very nasty
when he's late.
Uh, how about if I give
Nicholas a ride to school
and then we can
talk on the way?
Oh, no, no, no, wait,
wait a minute.
I just remembered that I
forgot to tell you some
very significant things
about my father
very nuclear family
type things.
Very nuclear family?
Uh, Nancy, why don't we take
Nicholas to school now?
Okay, come on, Nicholas.
Hey, are you sure
I'm gonna understand
all this stuff
when I am older?
Uh..
Um, oh, well..
Uh, what was it
you wanted to tell me?
Oh, uh, yeah,
Reverend Mayberry.
This must be very exciting
work, huh?
You get to meet a lot of
interesting people--
Um, no, actually most of the
people I meet are quite boring.
That's why I'm enjoying you
Bradford's so much.
You're all so extremely,
uh, colorful.
- Even, a bit picante.
- Oh, picante, eh?
Is that good or bad?
You can take that
as a compliment.
Now, uh, what was it
you wanted to tell me before?
Uh, very nuclear
family, remember?
Oh, oh, yeah,
a very nuclear family.
Reverend Mayberry, I must tell
you about the time I dropped
a whole bowl of apple sauce
into my dad's lap.
It was a new suit, and he wasn't
even mad, can you believe that?
[clearing throat]
Ooh.
Did I ever tell you,
you are gorgeous?
Once or twice.
Can you believe it?
It's already our anniversary.
A whole week together and
it seems like only yesterday
we were just a couple of
crazy kids going steady.
And look at us now,
an old unmarried couple
in the twilight
of our years.
[sighs]
David..
You're not gonna wear
that tie are you?
No good.
Well, stripes and plaids
don't mix.
Oh, I knew I'd been doing
something wrong all these years.
- Excuse me.
- Certainly.
[music on stereo]
[tires screeching]
[engine cranking]
[horn honking]
[indistinct shouting]
- That's much better.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Shall we go?
- Okay.
[telephone rings]
Oh, come on,
they'll call back later.
No, no,
I better get it.
Hello.
Oh, David am I glad
you're home.
This is an emergency,
I need help.
The van conked out in the middle
of Springfield Boulevard
and, and I can't
get it started.
'And I can't push it out of
the way, what do I do?'
And what is it,
the carburetor?
I don't know,
it just won't start.
The traffic is getting
backed up for blocks.
David, I need help.
Janet and I were just
going out the door.
(Tommy)
'David, this crowd
is getting ugly.'
'There's no telling what they
might do to me or the van.'
- What is it?
- Tommy's stuck with the van.
Look, David, they're gonna
roll the van over
if I don't do something quick.
Okay, okay, where are you?
'Springfield, the third.'
Alright, I'll be there
in minutes.
I'm sorry,
Tommy needs my help.
Call the restaurant,
see if you can make
a later reservation, okay?
Okay.
Oh!
Isn't it gorgeous?
I can just see myself
lying on the beach
getting a golden tan.
What are you gonna do?
Ooh, I think I'll explore
some of the remote islands.
Maybe rent a bike.
Oh, yeah, that'd be great,
we could go to..
Hello, guys,
what do you think?
Huh, super isn't it?
Oh, Nancy,
you're not wearing that.
Of course, I am,
you guys don't want me
to look like a tourist,
do you?
God forbid.
[chuckles]
What the devil. May I ask
what's going on in here?
Oh, hi, dad, you wanna learn
this dance? It's kind of fun.
Yeah, we're just gearing
up to att*ck Hawaii.
- Slightly premature, isn't it?
- No.
You're gonna win
the award, dad.
The society for the prevention
of the nuclear family
just has to see you're
the best choice.
Nancy, don't you mean
"Preservation?"
Oh, whatever.
Well, the votes
aren't even in yet.
So, I suggest
that you don't count
your luaus before they hatch.
[all laughing]
You see what I mean?
That's just what a perfect
father should say.
Yeah, you win.
Janet.
[keys jingling]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[dialing]
[dialing]
[engaged tone]
[engaged tone]
When did she leave?
Sometime last night.
No, note, nothing.
She just picked up and left.
After you went to
rescue Tommy, huh?
Yeah.
She never mentioned that
there was any kinda problem.
I don't understand.
Are you sure you don't know
why she left?
Of course, I'm sure.
- Hmm.
- What are you getting at?
Well, maybe a slight overdose
of the Bradford family.
I almost left home once
for the same reason.
Yeah, but, Abby,
that's different.
You married into a family
of eight children.
Janet's only living with me.
David, you are used to us.
For some people we're, um..
...a little overwhelming.
That's why you moved out
in the first place, remember?
Are we that bad?
No, no, you're not that bad.
Just a little
unaware sometimes.
I still feel like,
I'm in competition
with all of you
for Tom's attention.
But that's okay,
because I love you.
But see, Janet just didn't
have enough time
to have some of those feelings.
I see your point.
David..
You can't change who you are.
Your family is a very
real part of your life.
And if Janet is with you,
then they're a part of hers too.
Hey, David, getting ready
to play football this week?
We really need you.
Oh, boy, you don't want
us to get skunked, do you?
- No, no, I'll be there.
- Oh, good.
Oh, hey, David don't forget
to bring Janet.
Um, Janet resigned
from the team.
Huh? David..
What was that all about?
I think we should have
a little talk.
[knocking on door]
- Hi.
- Uh, hello.
Hi, um, we'd like
to talk to Janet.
We heard that she was
staying here.
Oh, well,
let me see if she's in.
Please tell her the Bradford's
are her to see her.
[sighs]
[clearing throat]
[knocking on door]
Yup.
Janet, there're bunch of people
here to see you.
They say their name's Bradford.
[sighs]
Oh, no.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Janet, uh..
I guess that you're not to..
...thrilled to see us
all right now.
Especially after what happened
between you and David but..
We wanna apologize,
we feel bad.
Oh, Janet, we didn't know,
we were interfering, honest.
Janet, we're a close family,
you know.
We're used to living on top
of each other, no privacy.
Just a lot of people
that care about each other.
Yeah, we just wanted to
make you feel at home.
I guess that sort of backfired,
we're really sorry.
I'm not sure why I'm here,
but I'm sorry too.
- Was that okay?
- Yes, that was okay.
That's it, I guess.
Thank you for giving us
a chance to apologize.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Sorry.
Look, I know it was..
It was stupid of me
to just run of
like that, but..
I didn't want to talk.
I just wanted to escape.
I never stopped to think that
leaving you would be
worse than facing you.
But what was it
you couldn't tell me?
Well, I guess..
David it's your family.
I know you love them and they're
wonderful really but
'I felt bombarded.'
I did not mean to
hurt you David.
But I, I wanted
to live with you.
Not your family.
I know.
Guess, I'm just used to it.
[music continues]
I didn't stop to think
what kind of effect
my family would have on you.
'But, Janet, I,
I'm a Bradford.'
They're part of me,
and I'm part of them.
And I hope you won't make me
choose between you and them.
I won't you both.
Janet, I, still love you
very much.
Ever since I left,
I've been miserable.
[both chuckle]
I still love you, too,
David Bradford.
Well then,
will you come back?
I could give it a try.
I don't promise my family
would change but I..
I promise you that they'll
respect our privacy.
But I wouldn't want
them to change.
I just want us to have
our family too.
- I think we can.
- Good.
Because, um..
...I took the liberty of
drawing up a contract.
What?
[clearing throat]
- Contract?
- Yes.
"Whereas the party of the first
part will love and respect
the party of the second part."
[both laughing]
So, if you'll just sign
down here.
No, no, not so fast.
I have to have my lawyer
look it over.
[both laughing]
The society took into account
a number of factors
in determining this
"Father of the year" award.
Accessibility to one's children,
outside interest
'community service,
family solidarity.'
'And perhaps most important..'
'...moral leadership.'
Bet you, dad scored
high on that one.
We are after all
living in a changing world.
A world in which the
traditional family values
are often cast out
for more, uh..
More expedient ways of living.
Dad sure isn't expedient.
The society is of
the conviction that it is
the nuclear family above
all other institutions
'that can best counteract
the erosion of these, uh..'
'...traditional family values.'
- David.
- Janet.
- Ow, excuse me.
- Um..
- Hello.
- Janet.
Are you guys still..
- I mean, you know.
- Yeah.
Oh!
- Ssh, hey.
- Oh, yeah.
Come on.
[indistinct chatter]
The-this is my son, David
and Janet who..
Don't worry,
I'm not saying nothing.
Reverend Mayberry, what my
father was going to say but
is too kind
and polite to, uh..
...risk embarrassing
anyone is that
yes, this is his son, David.
And the woman he lives with
Janet McArthur.
- Uh, without benefit--
- Correct.
Just benefit of themselves.
Ah, I, uh..
I wish uh..
I just wish I had been
informed of this.
It does change things.
Why Reverend Mayberry?
I mean, he's still
a terrific father.
Perhaps, but, uh..
- Uh, Miss, uh, Janet--
- McAurther.
(Mayberry)
'Is not part of what
the society intends'
'a nuclear family to be.'
What's wrong with her?
Yeah, I thought you said
we were pecant.
Picante is one thing.
Co-habitation is
quite another.
Now, wait a minute,
just a second.
David, is my oldest son,
he's years old.
'If his private life is going
to interfere with my receiving'
some kind of an award..
Well, then, you can just
take your reward and--
I think I get
the general idea.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I really am, I..
I'll just, uh..
Um..
Let myself out.
Thank you.
Well, who wanted to go
to Hawaii, anyway?
Yeah, it rains a lot
this time of year.
Yeah, ha-ha.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, well, we have something
better than Hawaii.
A new member of the family.
- Alright.
- Yeah.
Thank you, guys.
[indistinct chatter]
[all cheering]
Thank you, thank you.
I am truly honored to be
given this award
by this family and I will
do my best to live up to it.
Oh, see dad,
that wasn't so hard.
- Really.
- Painless.
Yeah, dad, being "Father of the
year" is a, a piece of cake.
Oh!
Hey, you know dad a
"Father of the year"
will probably extend curfews.
- Oh, definitely.
- Yeah, and raise allowances.
- Yeah.
- At the very least.
Now, wait a minute, I thought
I was voted "Father of the year"
not patsy of the year.
[telephone ringing]
Oh, that's probably Mayberry
saying that
they've reconsidered.
Yeah.
Hello.
Oh, just a moment please.
Did anyone in this family
enquire about group rates on
uh, motorbikes, surfboards
and scuba-diving equipment?
Sorry, wrong family.
Must be some other family in
the Sacramento area with, uh..
...ten people
and a "Father of the year."
[all laughing]
[theme music]
[music continues]