I can't concentrate while you're here.
I see you and I think "play time," and I need to be thinking "work time."
We don't want to interrupt your dinner. Honestly, it's just an in-out operation.
Oh, please, 30 years. We're sick of looking at each other.
(Laughing)
I'm kind of looking for someone to do archival work.
You're not a junkie thief, are ya?
No, not anymore.
You know I have a girlfriend, right?
Hi, I'm Marnie. Nice to meet you.
Maybe it's not the place for me. Maybe it's not the place for any of us.
Did you think you were gonna grow up and be in, like, a sweatshop factory for puns?
You're fired.
(Screams) (Both yell)
You will never judge me again.
Boo!
Oh, my God, Caroline.
Oh, don't worry. I'm not here to suck your young blood.
Okay.
Just getting our mail, my little Fawn. Hi.
Hi, uh, where are your shoes?
Why do I need my shoes?
I'm just in my hallway.
(Door closes)
Hey, baby, if there's a note from the library, will you just leave it in there?
I don't want to see it. It's gonna stress my brain out.
Okay, got it, Marble Cheek.
Hey, um, do you know where the iced tea is?
I was looking and I couldn't find it.
All I saw was the Kombucha Mother.
Is it...
Sweetie, it's in the iced tea pitcher that we got in the garage sale upstate on the iced tea shelf.
- Laird: In the fridge?
In the fridge.
Okay. I'll see you later.
- Caroline: I'll be in in a minute.
All right. Bye, Hannah.
So, you're...
Yeah, with Laird.
Wow.
God, it turns out he is just an extremely integrated human being, Hannah.
I never would've known.
Yeah.
We've been up at his brother's compound in upstate New York just getting as healthy as we everly can because we are actually...
Having a b... A baby?
Yeah. Oh, God, I feel amazing, Hannah.
Can I?
Please, yeah.
Wow.
You know, we're not gonna find out, of course.
We want it to be a surprise, but I know, you know?
I can feel the labia forming. This is a woman.
It definitely feels as though there is a vag*na coming together.
Um, how is Adam?
Oh, Adam's amazing.
He got a part in a Broadway play, so he is doing the best ever.
That is so good to hear.
You know, I really hope this brings him closer to his truth.
You know, hopefully, and that he doesn't shuck you off like a piece of summer corn in the process...
Yeah.
As he'll do.
Okay, off to take my folic acid...
And then some!
- (Door opens, closes)
(Music playing)
Garbage.
Bullshit.
That guy's dead.
f*ck.
(Gasps)
(Music continues)
If you're here to tell me what a bad person I am, I don't wanna hear it. Seriously, I know.
And, no, I have not told Shoshanna yet, but I will, and I f*cking know I have to do it.
And I know that I need to have more respect for the emotional property of other women, and I know that I use sex for validation 'cause it's what I do, but just...
I got into Iowa.
What?
I got into Iowa Writer's Workshop, which is graduate school.
Hannah!
(Laughs)
Oh, my God! Are you... oh, my God.
This is the most... I'm sorry I got you so wet.
Don't worry!
Holy sh*t.
Hannah, that's, like, the best mfa program in the world.
I know!
Hannah, holy sh*t.
I know.
You're gonna, like, live in Iowa.
Well, I don't know if I'm gonna go.
Hannah, you got into Iowa. You f*cking go.
Beedie: So think about it.
It's all I'm asking.
Beedie, it's not gonna happen.
You're selfish, that's what it is.
I can tell you've never done another thing for another person.
Beedie, I am not going to help you k*ll yourself.
Really, I cannot keep having this discussion.
Okay.
The first day, I thought it was colorful and cute.
Now it's just getting bizarre.
Please, I beg you to stop.
Oh, well, fine. Well, why don't you just go?
Are you f*ring me?
I'm not f*ring you...
But I just had in mind something different.
Do you know that I wake up every day disappointed that I didn't die in the night?
No, I don't blame you.
So, let me get this straight.
You hired me because you knew I could get you dr*gs.
I hired you because I thought you were the only person who would see how necessary this was.
(Sighs)
Listen to me.
I'm tired. My body's gone.
And I'm compassionate to that, but I just...
I'm in so much pain, Jessa.
I can see that.
I just...
Processing.
Just do it...
For me.
(Faintly) f*ck.
Hi, um, Shoshanna Shapiro?
S as in Sam, H as in Hank, A as in apple, P as in paltrow...
Yeah, I can spell.
So, I ordered your cap and gown in the traditional Violet, and I also ordered the protective plastic poncho just in case of, like, inclement weather.
And I will be carrying my aunt Ilene's NYU graduation flag from, like, 1922.
Mm, looks like your name has been flagged.
Mm-hmm, yeah, I just said I'm carrying my aunt Ilene's flag.
Uh, no, I mean, I can't give you your graduation materials.
You gotta go see your advisor.
That doesn't make any sense.
I... I'm gonna need some more information.
Uh, I'm just a Junior. Sorry.
Next?
Excuse me!
(Heavy metal music playing)
♪ The world doesn't owe you sh*t ♪
♪ The universe doesn't know you exist ♪
(Pounding on door)
Hey, Shosh. Is this a good time?
Shoshanna: Yeah.
What's up?
Not graduating. That's what's up.
What? Why?
Apparently I'm missing three credits because my f*cking c**t of a Glaciology Professor decided to fail the sh*t out of me.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
Do you think maybe you were a little distracted this semester?
Yeah, maybe.
'Cause I get that.
My junior year at Oberlin, when Charlie and I first got together, we were so lazy.
Like, all we did was eat frozen waffles and lie in bed and watch old episodes of "Blossom," and I just did not go to my Intro to Hinduism class.
I couldn't motivate, couldn't do it, didn't do it.
And then when they announced the final, I was probably too scared to fail that...
So I didn't go to that either.
Thank you.
It is really helpful to know that you were a f*ck-up, too.
Okay.
And I hate to change the subject, and we can come back to this...
We should come back to this...
But there's just something I feel like you should know.
And it's probably not a big deal, and you're probably gonna be, like, insulted that I even implied that you would care, but...
I slept with Ray.
More than once.
Sometimes multiple times a night, but it came from, like, a deep place of insecurity.
I'm not proud, at all, and I just wanted you to know that.
But I was hoping we could just...
You know, you've been going through a lot of stuff, so I was hoping we could just, like, talk that through, go to the theater...
(Yells)
(Screams) I hate you!
(Ringing)
(Phone rings)
Hello?
(Rings)
Hannah?
Hi, mommy, hi, daddy.
Hey, how are you, doll?
Hannah on phone: Good, I'm good. I have some big news.
Is it about the growth on your tongue?
No, it's that I'm, um...
I got into graduate school.
What?
Holy wow!
I didn't even know you were applying!
Yeah, Iowa Writer's Workshop.
Oh, honey, that is amazing.
It's exciting. I'm doing a little jig here.
(Slaps knee) I don't know if I'm gonna actually go.
I don't know if it's really a good time for me to, like...
To, what, change the course of your entire professional life?
Well, honey, it is a big choice.
Yeah, mom, it's a really big choice. It's not that simple.
It's like this is where I live, you know?
I'd have to find new friends, I'd have to find a new place to buy yogurt.
Plus, I don't really know if writing is something that can be taught, although I have to say, the last four years of my life have been a total wash, we can all admit that.
Well, I'm glad you're being honest with yourself.
Wait, hold the phone. Are you kidding me?
(Loreen scoffs)
When opportunities like this arise, you figure it out.
You say yes and you figure it out.
That's how this works.
Your mother is right.
Big chances are never small stakes, honey.
Oh, my God. (Laughing)
You guys sound like you're really proud of me.
Just go ahead.
Just go ahead.
We'll figure it out.
(Laughs)
- Tad: We'll figure it out.
Whoo!
- (Laughs)
(Loreen whoops)
(Voices chattering)
(Knock on door)
(British accent) Enter, Governor!
So, you're really stickin' with the accent?
Hey.
I have to.
Not gonna work without a bit of practice.
The security guard tried to stop me, but Desi let me in.
I'm sorry to barge in or whatever.
I know you need your space...
But I wanted to tell you that I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
You've taught me so much about perseverance and commitment and creativity.
(Normal accent) Well, I love you.
I love you, too.
I love you.
And before I go, which I will do in a second, I wanted to tell you that I got into Grad School...
In Iowa...
At the Iowa Writer's Workshop, and I didn't expect it, but the thing is, watching you thrive creatively over these past few weeks, it's made me want to thrive.
It's made me want to find a hole in the world in the shape of me and just fill it up, and I know that sounds crazy...
It doesn't sound crazy.
And I have to decide soon, and...
I think I'm gonna tell them yes...
And then figure it out.
'Cause that's what people do.
We can figure it out, and then we can be one of those artist couples... (Chuckles)
Who are doing different things in different rooms and they call to each other and say, "look at what I'm doing."
Okay?
Okay.
Don't just break one leg, break all your legs.
Bye, sir.
(British accent) Later.
Ray: I haven't been to a Broadway show since my parents drove me in to see a matinee of "falsettos," at which point they told me my grandparents were getting divorced.
We should try to get you a blazer before the show starts.
What's wrong with this?
I'm just so excited for Adam. Look at all these people!
What's gotten into you?
You were in such a deep groove, begrudging the success of others.
- Hi. Hi.
Hannah: Hey.
Um, I'll be right back.
Bye, Shosh. Good talk.
We're gonna have a chat.
At intermission, you're gonna buy me some M&Ms and we're gonna have a f*cking chat.
(Knock on door)
Oh, I'm not quite ready to put my shirt on, Stacy. Thank you, love.
Marnie: No, no, no, it's me, it's Marnie.
- They're not letting me in.
Security guard: Don't worry, I got her.
Oh, no, no, Oscar, it's okay. She's a friend.
(Door opens, closes)
Both: Hey.
- Hello.
Hi.
Happy opening night.
Oh, thank you.
It's so exciting. Wow.
I've always wanted to know what it's like in a Broadway dressing room.
Yeah.
How cool is this?
Lotta ghosts, you know?
I'm sorry, I'm kind of, like, half in the play, half here.
No, no, no, totally. I will get out of your hair.
I just wanted to give you a little opening night present.
What?
It's nothing. Really, it's nothing.
You'll see.
Thank you.
It's, um... Well, you'll see.
It belonged to James Taylor. It's his pick.
(Gasps)
(Laughs)
Are you f*cking kidding me?
I just... I know he's a hero of yours, both in his music and also in the honest way that he lives his life.
Thank you. Thank you.
So break a leg.
(Glasses clink)
Um...
Okay.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go.
Uh, break a leg. I'll see you after.
Thank you. I will see you after.
Okay.
What are you so cheerful about?
'Cause it does not look like it went that well with Shoshanna.
Marnie: No, no, it's fine. We worked it out.
It'll be fine. Um...
Desi kissed me.
Are you f*cking serious?
I'm dead serious.
Marnie, that's another person with a girlfriend.
- He kissed me...
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen...
- Welcome to the Belasco Theatre.
Guys, shh, shh.
Announcer: Please remember that the use of photography and any recording device is strictly prohibited.
And please silence all cell phones.
- Thank you.
Hannah: You guys, silence your phones.
Elijah: It's been silent.
- Hannah: Ray, don't take pictures.
Ray: Okay.
(Bell ringing)
Man: What's the matter?
(Whispering) Why are they talking like that?
It's not Shakespeare.
(Whispers) They're British.
- Woman: Presently, Stephen.
But it's called "Major Barbara."
So?
Shoshanna, ask questions at intermission.
(Horse hooves clopping)
Adam wasn't even in the first act.
He's, like, a major part of the second act, though.
I have to say, I'm really gonna be sad living in the city without you.
You're not gonna be without me all the time.
I'm gonna be back and forth. I'll be bicoastal.
Iowa's not a coast.
It's a figure of speech. I'm gonna pee.
(Scoffs)
The show is not gonna get good notices.
Desi kissed the sh*t out of me.
What? He's so cute.
Oh, my God, I know.
I was not expecting it...
Oh, Marnie.
And it was the best. Elijah, it was so satisfying.
I have to say, I don't see that ending well for you, though.
What do you mean?
I'm really intuitive about these things.
I've predicted two of my friends' divorces, one pregnancy, and a couple natural disasters.
Are these the ones you wanted?
Yeah?
Intermission's kind of short, so if you...
If there's something you wanted to...
Okay, I'll go first. I'm sorry.
But if memory serves, you're the one who jettisoned me a while ago.
And you weren't very discreet about keeping your assignations out of my face, so I can't be that sorry at the end of the day.
Right? I mean, I really can't.
I want you back.
What?
I want you back.
I just had the... I-I-I want you back.
I... I miss you.
I made a mistake, and this whole entire year of freedom was just f*cking stupid and I want to be with you again.
Shosh, I know you don't really...
You're jealous 'cause I went swimming at the country club with Marnie? Is that it?
What? No. Because you make me a more stable human.
And you make me want to be the best version of myself, and I just want to be your girlfriend again, and I want to pretend that I was never not your girlfriend before.
I love you. I love you.
Shosh, look, I'm eternally grateful to you 'cause I have a real job now, with real responsibilities.
I have my first credit card.
I've got a Credenza. I've got a cactus plant.
That's because of you. You understand?
You pushed me forward in a lot of ways, and I'm eternally appreciative of that.
Okay? But right now, we're in different places, and we have very, very, very different goals.
Please? Please?
- It's not a matter of...
-' (Bell chimes)
Please?
We should go upstairs.
Feel better after your meal, sir?
(British accent) No, call that a meal.
- Good enough for you, perhaps...
(Whispers) Hannah!
But what's it to me?
Hannah?
An intelligent working man?
Working man? What are ya?
- Adam: A painter.
Woman: Oh, yes, I...
Adam: Yes, I daresay, I know.
Every loafer can't do nothing calls himself a painter.
Well, I'm a real painter...
(Whispers) He's really good.
38 Bob a Week, if I can get it.
Well, why don't you go and get it?
I'll tell you why. First, I'm intelligent.
- (Woman scoffs)
(Huffs) It's rotten cold here.
Yes, intelligent beyond the station of life into which it has pleased the capitalists to call me.
You are both very naughty children.
What do you want, Barbara?
I want a house and a village to live in with Dolly.
Come and tell me which one to take.
6:00 tomorrow morning, my young friend.
(Audience applauding)
(Hannah, Marnie cheering)
Oh, my God.
Let's come every night.
(Laughs)
(Toilet flushes)
Clementine. Oh, my gosh.
I thought you were traveling.
I'm back.
Desi's gonna be, um...
He's gonna be so excited that you could be here tonight.
You know what? Can you cut the sh*t, please?
I mean, I know what you're up to. It's written all over you.
I don't blame you. He's f*cking sexy, but if he hasn't realized it yet, he's going to soon that you're just, like, a sad, pathetic mess.
Clementine, please believe me. I was not trying...
Seriously, shut the f*ck up.
Has anyone ever taught you when to speak?
We're recording an album.
(Laughs) Not anymore, you're not.
Nice dress.
You're just gonna take... take these.
You got 'em? You got it?
Okay. Take this now.
More.
(Slurps, swallows)
It's okay if you choke.
(Laughing)
It's just a different route to the same thing.
(Chuckles) I really feel great.
Jessa, don't you take any of these pills after I'm gone.
No, I won't.
Somehow they don't look nearly as fun when they're being used to m*rder someone.
Mm.
I am so moved that you would do this for me.
Well, I didn't want to do it.
You didn't want to...
No.
But you did.
I have never...
Never mind.
So, now...
I guess we just wait.
The f*cking celebrities that come to these things are nuts.
Debi Mazar...
Amazing.
Rosie Perez, Mark Consuelos... Sadly, no Kelly Ripa...
But there was, like, a blonde with him that threw me for a second.
I can't believe...
Wendy Williams...
No.
Treat Williams...
From "Everwood"?
Yes.
Sam Champion...
I mean, I did so much sense memory work.
You know how hard I work.
Oh, I could tell.
Congratulations, you guys, on your big achievement.
Thank you. It's all for him.
(Chuckles) Oh.
She's so cute in real life.
Kinda douchy, though.
Hey!
Hey!
Congratulations! Awesome job!
Right, thanks, hey.
Hi, my love. You were amazing.
So good.
No, I wasn't. I was f*cking terrible.
Oh...
Are you kidding me?
Adam, I had full body chills.
Yeah, she's not joking. She had chills.
See you guys.
Man: See you later.
Why did you tell me that thing about Iowa right before I went onstage?
I f*cking blew it.
Okay, do you live in, like, a parallel universe?
There's no way that was blowing it.
Everybody was talking about how much they loved it.
Well, I don't care what everyone says, I know if I'm good or not.
This is exactly what I thought would happen.
This is exactly why I didn't want to see you.
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
I'm gonna go ahead, and I will meet you guys at the party, all right?
Mm-hmm.
I, uh...
Elijah loved the play.
Oh, good.
I told you that thing about Grad School 'cause I felt that it was really good news for us as a couple.
So now you're leaving me?
Leaving you? Adam, you're the one who moved out of our apartment.
I moved a few blocks away for a few weeks.
I know that this is complicated, but I also know that we can work it out.
Well, I'm sick of trying to work it out.
Can't one thing ever be easy with you?
(Sighs)
Congratulations on a beautiful opening night.
(Car horns honking)
(Sirens blaring)
(Music playing)
Call 9-1-1. I don't want to die.
Call 9-1-1. I don't want to die!
Okay.
Call 9-1-1!
She changed her mind.
Oh, God!
Oh, God. Okay.
Oopsie-Daisy.
(Grunts)
(Crashes)
I don't... I don't know what else to tell you. What do you want me to say?
Desi: I want you to not f*ckin' walk away from me when I'm trying to tell you how I feel.
In a f*cking bar full of your theater friends?
- What am I supposed to do?
Desi: We were not by any of those people.
We were in the corner.
(Chatter)
(Cameras clicking)
(Music continues)
♪ You can't keep a good girl down ♪
♪ Or breathe at 50,000 feet ♪
♪ Or turn the car around ♪
♪ When it's heading up ♪
♪ This one-way street ♪
♪ But when you get back in town ♪
♪ You'll be sitting pretty ♪
♪ Sitting in the catbird seat ♪
♪ Put another dollar ♪
♪ Down the wishing well ♪
♪ Nothing in this ♪
♪ World is trouble-free ♪
♪ And everything I thought was mine ♪
♪ Just stuff to decorate a shrine ♪
♪ Well, you can carve a totem ♪
♪ Underneath the back balcony ♪
♪ But you can't keep a good girl down ♪
♪ Or breathe at 50,000 feet ♪
♪ Or turn the car around ♪
♪ When it's heading up ♪
♪ This one-way street ♪
♪ But when you get back in town ♪
♪ You'll be sitting pretty ♪
♪ Sitting in the catbird seat ♪
♪ Sitting in the catbird seat ♪