04x02 - Sleeping Beauty School

[bunniefuu]

We remember you now. And we need you back.

So please, my darling granddaughter, just tell us, where are you?

[music]

Tamsin, what are you doing?

We all gotta die some day.

Stop the car.

Tamsin!

Noooo!

[Roars]

[Rustling]

Someone's in there. Come on out.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

[Growling]

Ah!

I'm still not gonna hurt you... much.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Hey, I'm not gonna hurt you.

Life is hard when you don't know who you are.

It's harder when you don't know what you are.

My love carries a death sentence.

I was lost for years, searching while hiding. only to find that I belong to a world hidden from humans.

I won't hide anymore.

I will live the life I choose.

4x02 - Sleeping Beauty School

You got champagne, chocolate; both lube and actual chocolate.

And I got a lead on some Victoria Secret models.

And I'm not talking catalogue, hon.

I'm talkin' runway.

Angel quality.

Kenz, what are you doing?

Ta da! I got her favourite stuff.

I got silk rope, blindfolds, corndogs.

We haven't found her yet.

Well, just a matter of time. You know that.

What about Taft's observatory?

There's nothin', no scent. It's completely gone.

Trick, Hale?

Hale is monitoring her cards and phone,

Trick's got feelers in the underground, but so far nothing.

Well it's not like she just disappeared into nothing, right?

I'm sure she's just super pumped from super-sucking to death whatever ass-fart took her.

You're probably right.

Course I am.

Course I am.

D, please tell me we have a lead.

Why don't you come downstairs.

Oh my god it's mini-me. Who is that?

I found her at the site.

You think she saw the crash?

I think she was in the crash.

You've gotta be sh1tting me.

Valkyries have many lives.

I just figured she'd be more like clone-y.

Tamsin was the last person to see Bo.

And in the truck, she said something about Bo's father.

Bo doesn't even know anything about Bo's father.

Well maybe she does.

Then we got to go all interrogation on her.

Find out who she is for real.

We don't want to frighten her. She might lash out.

And if she is Tamsin, she tried to k*ll you.

There is that.

Yeah.

But she might not be Tamsin.

Peace out, losers. I'ma go play.

Later.

It's Tamsin.

Tamsin!

[Buzzing]

[Phone ringing]

Oh, dammit.

[Gasping]

You okay?

Yeah.

If you ever need anything.

Thanks. I don't.

So she can't give us any information.

When Valkyries are reborn, their memories come back slow and scattered.

And apparently their hair full and lustrous.

At this age, they're vulnerable and valuable.

But her memories, they will come back eventually right?

Valkyries deal in the souls of the dead.

They see so much carnage in one lifetime that sometimes they repress those memories in the next.

sh*t.

Language.

Again.

But yes, c'est tres poopy, she was the last one who saw Bo.

This place is a death trap.

Remind me to embroider that on a pillow.

Again.

I've seen duck ponds with better security.

How are you still alive?

Trick, is Tamsin really our last chance of finding Bo?

There is one other way.

What happened to your arm?

We need a certain directional device.

The compass you left behind at Engelram's.

Oh, this bad boy?

You little thief.

Again.

Have either of you seen my Armillary Sphere?

Okay. Well, while you guys are working on that, I'm gonna go do a couple things.

Uh-uh.

You are not going anywhere.

This does not babysit.

Again.

Could have fooled me.

It's about yay big, encrusted in rubies? Hard to miss.

Okay. I'm just really educating the child in the ways of internet hilarity watching an animated bear dance to "Gangnum Style" is a basic life necessity. Well...

Well you can continue educating her in the basic necessities and keep her safe. Hale and I will find Bo.

Hells no.

Language.

Again.

Dyson.

Kenzi. This is not a discussion.

You have to let me go!

Kenzi, you're not going.

Again, again, again, again!

Quiet!

Do you know where Bo is?

I know where she's not.

Because according to this compass she's no longer on this physical plane.

Again.

Hello?

Oh, everything's spinning.

Not spinning, moving. Wha...

Moving?

sh*t.

[Train whistle sounding]

Trick, are you gonna tell me what really happened?

I can smell Aife's blood on you.

She was wounded... at my hand.

When the spell was broken and we remembered Bo, there was joy.

But for Aife, there was only the memory of losing her child, and she was driven back to insanity.

I'm sorry.

Bo must never find out.

There's a lot of things Bo must never find out.

So, trackers. Helios is retired.

Moldavia's in prison. There's Ebisu, but he's an idiot.

No. There's only one person who can transverse the intersecting planes of existence.

Endymion? He's legendary.

And, for the last 800 years, elusive.

There's only one Fae who might be able to tell us where he is.

Selene.

His ex. She owns a salon.

[Screaming in distance]

The Una Mens.

I thought they set up base in the Ash's compound.

They're pulling in people for "interviews."

Restoring order is a messy business.

t*rture, death, man-hunts, pain. The usze.

Is this what pain looks like?

No, this is a spa weekend in St. Lucia.

Please. No more.

Tell us what you have done with The Morrigan's body.

She was behind the portrait above my desk.

But she escaped. That wicked wench is toying with me.

She's not dead. She's missing.

She is dead. She is missing.

One of those things is a lie. Or both.

That evil little tart is very irritatingly alive.

I swear on the graves of my family.

It was our mistake to not count you amongst those graves.

This life gives too much power to the last Mesmer.

You are but waste.

Please, please no!

No, please, please! No, no wait!

I'll give you what you want.

Interested.

Not Evony.

Not interested.

Something infinitely more valuable.

Why would I give you a crazy bitch, when I could give you her.

Accepted. You are released.

With one minor adjustment.

Aaaahhhhh!!!

Welcome to Selene's, gentlemen. What can I help you with?

Mani-pedi? Chest wax?

Polish your badges?

We're looking for someone.

Aren't we all, darling.

A blast from the past. Endymion.

Eddy? Oh my Rod Stewart, it's been years.

Of you know where he is, we need to find him immediately.

Pleasure before business.

Something tells me those unruly curls aren't going to manage themselves.

We don't usually let customers make their own appointments.

Actually I was just...

You were looking for Eddy. What do you want with him?

It's police business.

You know, Selene's gonna string you along for a kick, but she's not gonna tell you sh*t.

So what you need to do is go and see Astrid.

And you need to go and give her this message.

This is Hindi.

Wait, look, you know I didn't get your... name.

Did you get anything?

Yeah don't worry, I got a lead.

Good, all I got was a head massage.

Is Dyson your boyfriend?

Nyet.

Do you have a boyfriend?

Negative. Men are stupid.

Did you ever have a boyfriend?

With this bod? Hel... heck yeah.

Why'd you break up?

It's complicated.

Didn't you love him anymore?

I know, right? You think that love's going to be the ultimate, then you realize that it means giving up more than you knew.

You make a decision and it kicks you in the freakin' box and leaves you wondering if it's ever worth loving again!

Or whatever.

Who's Hale? Is he cute?

He's a friend. A cop. A cop friend.

What's a condom?

Okay, no, no, no, no, no.

You gotta...

Hey!

[Creaking]

Hey hey hey, sharp objects!

Not for you.

Look, this is Bo's room. Bo only.

I don't want you touching her stuff.

I don't even want you looking at her stuff, okay?

What are you doing?

Why are you vibrating? Is it a Valkyrie thing?

I have to pee.

Oh, I don't need to, like, be there for that, do I?

No!

Well okay, go on then!

Thank you.

Oh!

Oh!

[Clattering]

No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing?! Oh!

I need that to be Fae.! It's my only hope!

Oh Tam-Tam honey. Honey, I'm sorry. Please don't cry.

Please don't cry. It's all my fault.

Stupid Kenzi. It's just that the cream, it's my disguise.

It's magic, it's magic. Do you want to see it?

Okay, okay. Here.

Okay.

Little girls and Valkyries, I present to you the Russian magic of Kenzlana.

Again.

Sorry kid, can't do it. No cream, no gleam.

Ohhh.

But um, we can make cookies.

No. This I cannot do.

The woman who wrote that doesn't want you to find him.

She wants your memories erased.

Well there's a lot of that goin' around.

The blonde one is frustrated. The other one too.

You seek a hunter. And you seek the courage to hunt.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't talk. I cannot talk.

An Astomi.

It's a pleasure.

Mine too. For one who gets her sustenance from the scents around her, you two are a tasty treat.

Why didn't you erase our memories?

I've been perfuming creams and shampoos at Selene's for years.

The women who work there are evil incarnate.

12 years later, and my perm still hasn't grown out.

Will you help us?

It would be my pleasure.

This is one kiss. Only one moment will be its match.

Excuse me?

You will get what you need.

And for your frustrations. Go to the one you love.

[Dancing music playing]

I've had several fantasies that started just like this.

You really shouldn't have come back.

You lied to me.

I think it's time you answered some questions.

Girls, it's feeding time.

And guess who's coming to dinner?

Whoa.

So this fantasy of yours, all the girls carrying pokey things?

Nope. There was only one pokey thing. And it was mine.

What's your name?

Who cares. He's snackilicious.

He smells like cupcakes...

And fresh laundry...

And Jon Hamm.

What did Astrid do to us?

Not us. You.

I'm hungry.

Hale, I, I gotta...

Yeah, go find Selene, find Eddy. Do what you gotta do.

I owe you one.

Yeah, you owe me like 50.

So if you and Bo live together, does that mean you love each other?

Totally. But it's strictly BFF's.

Here, wanna lick?

What's BFF?

Well. It's when 2 people would do anything for each other and have always got each other's backs.

Like, if one's in trouble, the other gets them out.

If one's sad, the other puts on sparkly eye make-up and takes them out dancing.

If one's missing, the other has even the tiniest inkling of where the they are.

But Bo's missing and you don't know where she is.

I know. I suck.

Ow!

Tamsin, I told you not to... touch anything!

Holy dildos! Is that Bo?

Ow, ow, ow. Okay.

It's burning, it's burning!

Oh crapity crap.

It's getting worse. It's getting worse!

Okay, Play-by-play, I get it.

M M X V. What does that mean?

I dunno, probably some crazy Fae word. D-Man will know.

Do you think Bo's stuck in the card?

Subtle.

I haven't seen one of these since my time in France.

If memory serves, it takes a great deal of finesse to unlock a 1879 Joseph Loch.

[Roaring]

Eddy.

Eddy!

Eddy! You better not be dead.

Not dead, darling. Just fast, fast asleep.

Bo?!

Not Bo.

Hey butterfingers, what do you think you're doing over here?

Redecorating?

Well next time, put flowers on the table or something.

I don't know what happened. I just ...

What happened is you've never waited a table a day in your life... Despite what your resume says.

I think I... I think I lost my name tag.

It's okay. We're all running from something, "Amber."

I always make such a mess.

You are kind of a huge klutz.

But you're also cute, and funny.

And... sexy.

You think I'm funny?

I think you need a drink. Tonight, after closing.

I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't.

He's just so beautiful.

Eddy, wake up man. Wake up.

Only I can do that, sweetheart and I'm not about to do it for you.

You will wake him.

Or...?

I'll tear you to pieces with my teeth.

Promise to spank me first?

If that's what it takes.

Two words. Nuh-uh.

Wake him!

[giggles]

Forget Eddy. He's out.

The wolf is in.

Or at least he will be. And all it will take is just one kiss.

One kiss and I end up your prisoner?

Only when you're asleep.

Then one kiss more and I'm all yours to punish.

That's all I needed to hear.

Now kiss... him.

[Gasping]

What's happening?

Eddy?

Harlot.

Eddy, I need your help.

Of course. But first, help me bind this trollop.

Then we can talk of the great debt I owe you, kind sir.

Perhaps mead, on me. Or a Turkish bath.

I need you to help me find the woman I love.

And what is the name of this magnificent creature?

Bo.

You're right, Kenz, lock-picking is skill every woman should know.

Kenz? I know that name. It's...

Oh no.

Hey! Is anybody out there?

Oh! Finally.

Shhhh. You'll awaken Him.

Him?

I don't think I can say.

Beautiful eyes. Both brown and blue.

You are the one.

What is this place? Who is "He?"

[Roaring]

You made him angry.

This is all your fault!

[Roaring]

She's about 5'6, brown eyes, Caucasian. Long brown hair...

Sir, this is merely a description of Bo. I need you to tell me about Bo.

Right, is she a suspect?

You mean like, "She dances like no one's watching" are we talkin' about?

No, I need to know where your heart lies, and hers as well.

Her heart is her own.

Not entirely yours?

She has a girlfriend.

Ah, the betrayal of a strumpet.

Say that again and I will rip out your tongue.

My apologies.

But do you have renderings of these transgressions?

Hey.

Where did you get this?

Kenzi.

Another lover!

She's...

You are Kenzi's and Kenzi is yours?

No! She's mine!

Mine friend. My friend.

A friend.

If that is your Bo on that card, she's in a heap of trouble.

Eddy, you have to help me.

Apologies, but no.

Are you hungry? I've a sudden craving for mutton.

She has the most beautiful heart and it breaks every time someone she loves is hurting.

She's brave, stubborn, she's passionate... true.

She loves with all of her being.

And I can't do any of this without her.

Now, was that so difficult?

No.

Yeah. What you just did, that's...

Sayin' it out loud like that, that's hard.

Yes, to delve into the innermost sanctum of the heart's desires is oft deemed one of life's most arduous journeys.

Hale, you gotta tell her, man.

Who?

Don't do that.

Kenzi, you gotta tell her how you feel.

Okay, that...

Ah, so Kenzi is yours.

Hey, it's not that easy, all right? Just because you're sure...

Bo is in love with Lauren.

But I still fight for her because I know how I feel.

Yeah, you know, we need to find Bo, so...

No, no...

The Garuda is coming; Your family won't approve; your pants are too tight. It has been 3 years, Hale.

You've been longing for her and she's right in front of you.

Okay.

That was wonderful! I said, it calls for a drink at your most unsavoury watering hole.

You and I have work to do.

Yes.

One liver and onions.

Thank you, darling.

Now don't go too far. I do like that view.

I think that guy just slapped my butt with his eyes.

How do you put up with some of these customers?

Same as I put up with some of the staff.

I'm sorry if I was rude earlier but...

No good apology ever included the words "if" and "but."

Uhm, I'm a jerk. Better?

I'm an egocentric jerk?

Don't be too hard on yourself, Princess.

And don't be hard on them either.

Especially about the butt thing. I'd slap that.

Yeah well better you than bonehead ...

Oh my god, he's choking.

What?

Oh my god.

[choking and coughing]

Help me get him down, help me get him down.

Oh my god.

You're a Ghanian Diversity Fae, right?

Thank you. Phew!

Do you know how much we can make for this?

I've recorded the whole alien thing.

Otto and I were great allies, but itwas I who won the battle of Lechfield.

That's great. How...

How did I do it? Why, by diverting attention using a clever technique involving smoke, a total of five dimensional shifts and the loud braying of cattle.

Okay, so these dimensional shifts, we have to move between them right? How do we do that?

It's complicated.

The woman I love is out there, and she's in danger. Please.

If I couldn't find your Bo, would I have these?

We're being followed.

You see, Dyson, we need to find an inconsistency.

A shift?

A stutter of either the temporal or physical realms.

Eddy, I think we have both.

Look, the same man appears in two places at once.

Both move out of time.

Good work.

And the student becomes the teacher. I jest of course.

Of course. So now what do we do?

We go say hello.

Kenzi, you're a man, I'm a woman.

[muttering]

Kenzi, you're a woman, I'm a man, so it only makes sense.

Wow, that is stupid.

Shhhh.

It took like five Avril Lavigne songs to get Baby Tam-Tam a ticket to play-time land. You wake her Sk8er Boi, you are dealing with her.

You know the words to five Avril Lavigne songs?

Hale... That is so sweet.

These are gonna add that little boom-boom-pow Bo's room needs.

So wassup, Siren?

I need to tell you something.

Did you guys find Eddy? Is he a total tracking genius?

Kind of. But...

But what? Do you guys have a lead on Bo or not?

Can you just stand still for a second?

Why are you so twitchy? Is it Bo?

Is she blonde? Ugh, why am I joking?

What is happening? Hale, talk to me.

I like you.

Every time I walk into a room, you are all I can look at.

You have so much style and strength no human should have.

I want to be a part of that.

I want to be a part of you too.

Ugh, this is weird.

Good weird?

This is all right, right? Right.

Wait, wait.

Less talking, more everything else.

Oh god, I love you in purple.

Wait, it's the perfume.

Oh it smells like a good time to me.

It's a spell.

[screaming girl]

Tamsin.

Oh.

Holy Portia DeGeneres, Shakira, David Lee Roth.

I woke up and this happened.

sh*t, all I've ever woken up with is a zit.

I'm hideous!

Yeah, you're really not.

Is this some kind of spurt?

Who do I look like? Dr. Spock's Guide to Growing Valkyries?

Well, I don't know! If she keeps this up, she's gonna be Betty White by Tuesday.

Here honey, it's okay. It's gonna be okay.

Okay. - Hale, tell her everything's gonna be okay!

Everything's gonna be okay 'cause ...

U-huh...

Oh my god, the hair!

... as we grow our bodies change.

Stuff happens. Mostly normal.

This is normal? But these things are so big.

Are they stupid?

Can I still jump rope?

No...

Oh yeah, maybe you should just go.

Hale, jump with me!

No no no.

Bad Valkyrie. I mean, bad Hale.

Hale has to go now. But Kenzi, we are not done talking.

Uh-huh.

I feel super bizzaro.

Well I'm sorry to tell you, kid, but it's never goin' away.

It's just part of growin' up.

"Smog dog." I've never had anything so equal parts disgusting and delicious.

Eddy, what is this?

Well it looks like some sort of condiment dispenser?

What?

Eddy, this is Fae. I can't read the dialect but...

How long were you asleep at Selene's?

A few years. Perhaps a few hundred.

But I'm at right as gold.

You're obsolete, man. You can't track.

You don't even know what this thing is.

Of course I do. It is a simple sequence of buttons.

If you open the gate to another dimension without a ticket and we all go kaboom.

[cries]

Oh no!

Are you okay?

Ow...

Ohh... Oh, you hurt me.

I'm sorry. Eddy, are you okay?

Why are you following us? Why are you so hellbent on stopping me from working with Eddy?

He is not Eddy.

I'm Eddy.

This woman's name is Clio and she is a thief of identities!

What was I supposed to do while you were under Selene's spell, and between her legs? Requests for your services were coming in.

So you took his gigs.

The last one that I recall put you in a hell of a dress.

All he was doing was making babies.

Wait, is Eddy your...?

No. No, his spawn are giggling dim-witted Elementals.

But you're an Elemental.

With a twist.

Those Elementals only have command one of the four elements.

I commune with all of them.

Which makes me very special and so much better than you.

Lies!

See? For example, from the Earth, that a man was k*lled exactly in that spot 65 years ago.

And I can tell from the water, that the humidity is exactly 32 or 33%.

And Endymion, I know that a train is coming.

You have made a grave error in crossing me.

I mounted Everest in four strides, and mounted the twenty virgins that live atop.

There have been songs celebrating me.

Yeah, in 1295. Dude, you're all washed up.

♪ O'er the sea and across the glen, ♪
♪ comes the great and noble Endymion. ♪
♪ Death and darkness he doth defy, ♪
♪ Try to k*ll him, and he will not die. ♪

Okay. So the next train comes at quarter after eight.

So we're gonna need a ticket. Do you have one?

You know, I might.

It's a train ticket? So what's MMXV?

Whatever unpronounceable thing that is.

They're Roman numerals, 2015.

I'm guessing a time: 8:15 PM. If we hurry, we can make it.

No one can touch the card without being b*rned.

I can.

She's an Elemental.

Fire can't touch me.

We should talk about my price.

You'll get whatever you're owed.

Can we... can we have a second? Thank you.

Okay, A: Chickie-poo Elemental seems a little ele-mental.

B: She could take the card and bone us big.

And C: Her skin is suspiciously flawless and I hate her so much.

Kenz, you have to stay here.

Dyson, please.

Tamsin might remember something. All right?

And besides, Hale wants to talk to you about something.

And when he does, please try and listen to him, okay?

Right.

Time's-a-ticking.

Bye.

Once we do this, there is no going back.

And I can't promise you that I'm gonna be able to protect you.

Who are you? Why did you try to save me at Engelram's?

Hey!

I saw a guy at a party in trouble and the chance to make a buck. Okay?

I don't buy that.

You're a cop, okay, and your sleuth friend, what's her...

Kenzi.

Kenzi. I saw you as potential competition, who was busting in on my territory and I decided to check you out.

And it turns out that I have absolutely nothing to worry about.

So can I please do this?

Time's-a-ticking.

Okay.

Oh man, that worked!

You're surprised?

No. I mean, maybe.

Because, ya know, this multidimensional stuff is quite unpredictable.

[phone ring]

Dyson.

So how's your incision? Did the stitches heal?

Lauren.

Dyson, I want to come home.

They're still looking for you. It's not safe.

What about the others? What about Bo?

Dyson, I'm scared.

Lauren, I don't know if you're the best rival or worst, but I know this, you are smart and you are resourceful.

So whatever needs to get done, you do it.

Because right now you're on your own.

Thanks. And Dyson, take care of her, please.

I'll give you triple what they're paying ya.

Of course I can afford it, darling.

The positive of having your entire race obliterated is that you inherit one big bloody bank account.

But we must be clear about one thing.

Bo must be alive and in one piece.

Now do we have a deal?

Absolutely.

Well, erect my nipples, you are a naughty little minx.

Tell me again... slowly.

Uh, we have a deal.

What deal?

I cannot reveal that. That's privileged client information.

But... you have my blood oath that I will find your Succubus.

[Train whistle sounding]

[music]

sh*t's about to get interesting. That's a Death Train.

Uh, uh, uh. Don't even think about it.

[Train whistle blowing]

Hold onto your knickers. Tonight's gonna be a wild ride.

Yes, gone. No more. Sayonara magic tinkle powers.

Can you meet me tonight?

Duh, I can pay. Yeah I'll see you there.

[music]

Feel better?

I barely feel anything.

I'm gonna go pee.

Password. sh*t.

Maybe it's "sh*t."

Toad. It was my dog's name when I was a kid.

T-O-A-D. It's ironical, huh?

I was just looking for your weather app.

8623. You can go ahead.

Look it's sunny, with a side... You're not buying this, are you?

This is about that alien video.

Do you know how much people will pay for sh*t like this?

Look, it wasn't an alien, but this video cannot exist.

There are some very bad people after me, and if they see this, they'll come for me.

I wish I could tell you more, but it's just...

It's complicated.

Wow.

If this is what I get for letting you delete things on my phone

I should let you know, I have over 30 Instagrams of gas station sandwiches on here. [both chuckles]

I'm Lauren.

It's nice to meet you, Lauren.

Thank you.

Just enough. Just enough to get out.

[music]

It's time to go.