03x04 - Rusted Steele

[bunniefuu]

[Narrator] Previously on Republic of Doyle...

[Jake] You know, I'd forgotten what a pompus mook you really are...

[Garrison] - Mook?

[Garrison] It's not so easy to get rid of me, Jakey, my boy.

[Garrison] My muse has descended upon us. Mr. Jake Doyle.

[Mal] This morning you woke up somewhere, hungover as hell.

You're regressing. And the place that you're regressing from was nothing to be proud of.

[Nikki] Something isn't right.

It's David. I think he's having an affair.

[Jake] David! What the hell?

[David] No, no, no, no, no. This is not how it seems.

[Tinny] Who's Chandra?

[Des] Nobody. I'm mean, she's somebody, obviously.

[Des] Hey, Tinny. Tinny!

Hi, Tinny.

[Chandra] So, you're Tinny? I've heard so much about you.

[Tinny] I've never heard a thing about you.

[Nikki] I need to meet you.

[Jake] What? Meet me where?

When?

[Nikki] Now.

[Jake] Okay, okay.

[Mal] You have fun, hot stuff?

[Rose] Oh, are you kidding?

Tasting menu at Raymond's?

(Kiss)

[Rose] The best husband in the world? Somebody raised you right, Malachy Doyle.

[Mal] So, what'll we have for dessert.

(Kiss)

(Moaning)

[Mal] Is that you?

[Rose] No. Just a sec.

(Moaning)

(Scream)

(Thud!)

[Mal] What in God's name.

What, what is--
[Kathleen] - Christ, daddy. Hey!

[Mal] - Kathleen, who is-- What are you--

[Kathleen] - Uh...

[Mal] When did you get here?

[Kathleen] Tonight. Cool, hey?

[Kathleen] Hey. Oh! Sorry.

[Rose] Hi.

[Kathleen] Hey Rose.

[Rose] Hi sweetheart.

[Kathleen] You happy to see me?

[Mal] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

[Mal] Put a shirt on. Now.

[Kathleen/Tinny] (Cheering)

[Jake] Yeah, of course I want to see her, but honestly, I have plans. But if you want I'll come over to the house now.

(Banging)

(Mumbling)

[Jake] Hello?

Dad, I'll call you back.

[Jake] Whoever you are, I, uh... Okay, this is probably about the money I owe you. I understand that. And I, um, I just, uh...

[Jake] Garrison Steele?

What the-- (Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!

Awwww.

[Garrison] Jake Doyle. What are you doing in my house?

[Jake] Stupid. You're in my apartment.

[Garrison] Of course I am. It is disgusting.

[Jake] What the hell are you doing here?

[Garrison] Would you like a drink?

(Vomiting)

[Jake] Oh, dear God.

♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪
♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪
♪oh yeeeah oh yeeeah♪
♪oh yeah!♪

[Jake] You gotta get Steele out of here.

[Mal] I'd love to Jake, but Kathleen's got some friend of her's, some guy, Eric, or something, and if I bring another person into the house, I'm afraid Rose is gonna leave me.

[Jake] I don't care! Garrison Steele threw up on my floor.

[Mal] Maybe it's like a gift or something. He must have missed you.

[Jake] That's so hilarious.

[Mal] She's only just landed and, uh, there's this scene with this guy.

[Jake] I don't care about any guy, okay? Just don't leave me alone with Garrison Steele.

[Garrison] It's so gallant of you to let me stay here in the Jake-cave. I appreciate it more than words can express.

[Garrison] Malachy! My old friend.

[Mal] Yeah, it's nice to see you Garrison. You okay?

[Garrison] Why, yes, actually, I am.

[Jake] You know, if you'd called I could have booked a hotel.

[Garrison] There's no need. I-- I like it here.

[Jake] I meant for me.

[Garrison] I brought a gift.

It's all the way from the South of France. Right here.

[Jake] So-- so what are you doing here?

You need me to sign over the movie rights for the "Special Detective" or...

[Garrison] (Crying)

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have come.

But I need your help.

I true-- I truly do.

[Jake] What's wrong. You get a bad review?

[Mal] Ignore him, Garrison. Just tell us what happened.

[Garrison] It's the love of my life. Tamara. She's gone missing.

[Jake] You love, like, a human?

[Mal] Jake.

[Garrison] Friend to friend. Man to man. I need your help.

[Mal] Give us a minute Garrison.

[Mal] He's in rough shape here.

Be a man. Let's help him.

[Mal] Why don't you help him yourself?

(Thud)

[Mal] I think this might be a two-man job.

(Kissing)

[Kathleen] So, Tinny. You're sick. I called school. You've got a fever.

[Des] Really? That came on fast.

It's not contagious, is it?

[Tinny] Mom, I wanna hang, I do, but I got this big test coming up...

[Des] Uh, I'm gonna go wait in the car.

[Kathleen] Baby, you know what?

We need some catch-up time, and who is going to help me put all my stuff away?

[Tinny] Okay, fine.

[Eric] I'm gonna go grab a shower.

[Tinny] So what's with buddy?

And why doesn't he wear any clothes?

[Kathleen] He's just a friend baby. It's cool. He's gonna hang with us today.

[Tinny] You know, I actually should go to school. This test is huge, and I have so much to catch up on. Have fun with naked news though.

♪

[Garrison] So, up ahead is where my lovely Tara lives.

[Jake] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tara? I thought you said her name was Tamara.

[Garrison] Tamara, of course. It must be the stress.

[Jake] What color are Tamara's eyes?

[Garrison] I-- I believe they have a jade hue.

[Jake] Hmm... And where did you two meet?

[Garrison] The last time I was here in town.

[Jake] Right.

What's her best friend's name?

Her favourite color?

Her favourite food?

Her favourite perfume?

[Mal] Garrison?

[Garrison] Well... we didn't talk a lot, if you know what I mean.

[Jake] You know, I am smart enough to know when I'm being played by a... Alcoholic hack buffoon.

[Garrison] Alright, alright. You are such a good detective.

It's all about a book.

[Jake] Really?

[Mal] That's why we're here? A book?

[Garrison] I need a book, and the "Special Detective Series" is a guaranteed hit. And, well I wanted...

I'm in a bit of a pickle and I need your help.

Wait, wait, please!

I'm on bended knee.

I implore you.

[Jake] Okay, first of all, when someone says they're on "bended knee", they usually, actually kneel down.

[Garrison] Well, uh, my knees aren't so good.

[Mal] Tamara bowler. She's accused of stealing from the Danish consulate, where she works as an assistant.

[Garrison] She's under house arrest until they try her in Denmark.

[Jake] This sounds like a terrible idea for a novel, even for you!

[Garrison] I'll just call it something like, "The Ambassador To m*rder", and it'll sell like hot-cakes.

[Jake] (Sigh)

How much are we getting paid?

[Garrison] I'll give you a cut of the profits.

♪

[Garrison] Malachy.

[Garrison] Please do not be intimidated by my presence here.

Just pretend you're a character in one of my novels.

[Tamara] Who are you?

[Jake] I'm starting to like this girl already.

[Garrison] Not a fan of the mystery oeuvre?

[Tamara] No. Actually, mysteries are my favourite. He's a writer.

I-- I don't understand. You said that you were investigators, that you could help me with my legal problems.

[Jake] Yeah, it's what you'd call complicated.

[Mal] Uh, why don't you just start by telling us what happened.

[Tamara] I don't have much to say.

I'm innocent and they're using me as a scapegoat.

[Jake] Who is?

[Tamara] The embassy. It's ludicrous.

[Mal] What are you accused of stealing exactly?

[Tamara] No idea. Honestly.

Either way, the police think I do, and now I'm saddled with this.

[Garrison] Flawless skin?

[Tamara] I'm sorry?

[Jake] Ignore him. It's kind of his courting ritual.

[Garrison] We're done here.

Goodbye.

[Jake] Steele! We just started talking to her.

[Garrison] Genius. It's in the mind, not in the mouth, and solution comes from within, not from... May I please use your washroom?

[Tamara] Oh, of course. Uh, down the hall and to the left.

[Garrison] Thank you.

[Tamara] I have to say, I'm not sure how you're supposed to be helping me. Is this normally how your investigations work?

[Mal] No.

(Door bell)

[Tamara] Who is that now?

Excuse me.

[Mal] He's a mess. Something's not right here.

[Jake] Yeah, it's called whiskey.

[Mal] Look, go check on him before he passes out. I'll distract Tamara.

[Jake] Distract her from what?

[Garrison] My work here is done.

[Jake] Steele, why do you have a pair of underwear sticking out of your pocket?

[Garrison] Panties? Impossible.

[Jake] I hate that word.

[Garrison] Panties!

[Jake] Shh!

[Garrison] Oh, it must be research. It helps develop the character when you know what they wear at the most intimate moments.

[Jake] To be honest, I'm actually starting to worry about you here.

[Tamara] Let go of me! You're hurting me.

[Mal] Hey, take it easy, buddy.

[Gerhard] Come on, you were the only one who had the--

[Gerhard] Look, I don't know who you are or what you have to do with this, so back off!

[Tamara] (Scream)

(Crash!)

[Gerhard] I will find what you took. Alright?

(Click)

[Gerhard] I'm sorry about the vase. It was, you know, the only thing I could find.

[Gerhard] Bye.

[Jake] You alright, skipper?

[Tamara] Look, I don't know what you people want from me, but I think it's time you left.

[Jake] He dropped this. It's a cocktail reception at government house for the Danish consulate.

[Garrison] I'm very big in Denmark.

[Tamara] Are those my panties?

[Garrison] Leopard print says a lot about a woman.

[Tamara] Get out!

Out!

[Des] So, this invite only admits one. So if you want to find out more about the guy who smashed a vase over Malachy's head, I was thinking you'll need more invites.

[Mal] Good job.

[Des] Oh thanks. Thanks. Most of it was Photoshop, but the hologram was really hard. I actually used old hockey cards, but I found a Terry Ryan rookie in there, which I really, really needed. That's pretty smart, huh?

[Jake] Yeah.

[Des] "Young and industrious Des beams with approval from his great friend and mentor, Jake Doyle."

[Des] So, I was thinking, if you need a plus-one, I'm more than available.

[Jake] Sure, we'll keep you in mind.

[Des] Excellent.

[Jake] Rose, what have you got?

[Rose] Tamara here is accused of stealing an unknown item out of a diplomatic pouch.

[Des] (Laughing)

It's pronounced "pooch".

So this whole thing was about a dog.

[Mal] No Des, it's a package that diplomats can send into the country without having it searched or checked through customs.

[Rose] (Yawn)

[Jake] Are we keeping you up there, cocky, or what?

[Rose] Tv did. Volume on bust apparently. Sorry.

[Des] Yeah, Kathleen likes it loud.

She likes the TV loud.

[Jake] Tamara could have taken anything from that pouch.

g*ns, money, dr*gs, anything.

[Mal] So what about this guy?

Anything on him?

[Rose] No, nothing yet.

[Jake] Steele... give me this.

The mystery man. Do you know him? You ducked the minute you laid eyes on him.

[Garrison] I was simply moving to a more advantageous place to record his movements for my art.

[Jake] Under the chesterfield.

[Garrison] No, I've never seen him before in my life.

[Jake] We're going to have to go to this Danish cocktail thing if we're gonna ask the mystery man any questions.

[Des] Hope you packed your tux, Garrison.

[Garrison] Of course I did. Do you think I'm an animal?

(Phone ringing)

[All] Nikki?

[Mal] I think we should stake out Tamara here, see who is coming and going.

Uh, Jake you're with Garrison.

Rose, you're with me.

[Rose] Yeah, let's do it.

[Garrison] Excellent plan deserves a toast.

♪

(Party chatter)

[Jake] Leslie.

[Leslie] Jake. Hi.

[Jake] What are you doing here?

[Leslie] Can't a girl go out without having to get your permission?

[Jake] Relax, b'y. It was a simple question.

[Leslie] Yeah, and I gave you a simple answer. Mind your own business.

[Jake] (Laugh)

So are you alone, are you here with someone, are you looking for someone?

[Leslie] I've got my g*n, Jake.

Don't push me.

[Jake] Well... I mean, I have no idea where you could have that g*n stashed, but wherever it is, it's a very lucky firearm.

[Jake] Oh, I get it. You're here with buddy. I guess you're into the taller, better-looking than me type.

[Leslie] Goodbye Jake.

[Jake] No, no, wait. Leslie, please.

[Jake] You look spectacular.

[Leslie] Whatever.

Come here to me.

[Leslie] My dad taught me how to tie one of these, in case my husband needed it.

[Leslie] His words.

[Jake] So are you in the market?

[Leslie] In case you haven't noticed, or you're unable to read the signs, I'm here on a date with another man, who isn't you. Is that clear enough for you?

[Jake] So you don't want to marry me then?

[Garrison] Nikki! Nikki, hello.

Lovely to see you again.

(Kiss)

[Jake] Steele, shut up. This is Leslie. You two have already met.

[Leslie] A few times. Hi.

[Garrison] Of course it's Leslie. I should have known from the longing in her eyes for you.

Oh my, it's so transparent. It's almost shocking really.

[Leslie] Not likely.

[Garrison] Well, if you need any help removing that dress later on, I have a free hand. Or two.

[Jake] Steele! Look, I'm-- I'm sorry about him.

[Leslie] I'll see you and, uh, your new wing man later.

[Garrison] Enchante.

[Jake] What is wrong with you?

[Garrison] Please excuse my lack of tact. I've had a harrowing time in Denmark, and I've always been rather susceptible to jetlag.

[Jake] Denmark? What is this Denmark? You told me you traveled from France.

[Garrison] You're drunk!

(Phone ringing)

[Garrison] Hello? Oh, it has been too long.

[Garrison] Anyways, he's right here.

[Garrison] Nikki. First Leslie, and now the ex-wife. Oh, Jakey boy, your closet door is wide open tonight.

[Jake] Why do you even have my phone?

[Garrison] Ha!

[Jake] Hi.

[Nikki] You're avoiding me Jake.

[Jake] Yeah, I am, actually.

[Nikki] We need to talk, don't you think? About what happened?

[Jake] Yeah, or we could try not talking for once, you know? We could just do it over texts.

[Nikki] Jake!

[Jake] I know. You're right. I'm in the middle of something right now. Can we talk later?

[Nikki] Okay, fine. I'll call you.

[Jake] Alright.

[Garrison] So I-- I tell them all they can suck it. And they didn't! Ha!

[Garrison] Where's she going?

[Jake] Heads up, Steele. There's our mystery man from Tamara's.

[Garrison] Good afternoon!

(Clinking)

[Garrison] Quiet. Quiet please.

Ladies and gentlemen, hello. Hello. I wanted to thank you for throwing this party as a launch for my newest novel in the "Special Detective Series".

"The Detective With The... Nose."

[Garrison] Give yourselves a round of applause.

(Clink)

[Jake] What the hell are you doing?

[Garrison] Oh! As you know, my muse is here with me today.

The original special detective, Jared boyle!

[Garrison] They're crazy about you.

[Garrison] Wait... that man.

What's he doing here?

[Garrison] Is that a b*mb?

What?

What!

[Garrison] Security, that man has a b*mb! Get him out of here!

(Commotion)

[Gerhard] I haven't got a b*mb!

Get your hands off me.

[Garrison] Obviously a fan. You can only imagine the sickos I have clung onto me as a celebrity, that I am. Uh, what was I saying?

You're wonderful.

[Garrison] Good night.

[Jake] My apologies.

He's just a hack... Drunk writer.

[Garrison] Who are you talking about?

[Jake] You.

[Garrison] (Vomiting)

[Jake] You know, Steele, this is all getting a bit hard to take, and to be quite Frank, I'm losing my patience. What the hell is wrong with you?

[Garrison] Bird flu.

[Garrison] I have been waking up with aches in the morning.

[Jake] Okay Steele. If you want my help, you're gonna have to start being honest with me.

[Garrison] I am being honest with you.

[Jake] Really? Your notebook has no notes in it, which means you're probably not really writing a book.

[Garrison] I'm sorry Jake.

(Car engine)

[Garrison] Oh, dear God.

[Jake] You gotta be kidding me.

(Doors slamming)

[Javier] Steele.

(Door slamming)

[Jake] Who the hell is this now?

[Javier] You don't need to worry about who I am, my friend.

My concern is who are you?

[Garrison] How the hell did you find me?

[Javier] Easy. I told the people at the airport I was looking for a slimy, meathead writer. They drew me a map.

[Jake] That is actually, uh, pretty funny.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!

[Javier] I want what you owe me Steele.

[Jake] What he owes-- Ow! What he owes you?

What does he owe you? You owe something to everyone.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow! Stop hitting me!

[Javier] This ain't over Steele.

I'm getting tired of chasing you around for what we both know is rightfully mine. Come on, sweets.

[Garrison] Enchante.

(Whack!)

[Garrison] This is not how I pictured my life.

♪Yeeah♪

[Kathleen] Alright. You're good.

You're good.

[Kathleen] Okay, I'm no expert, but I think he's gonna be fine.

Should probably take him to a doctor though, take him to Nikki.

[Jake] Yeah, not likely. Listen I appreciate you doing this.

I mean, I hope I didn't ruin your night.

[Kathleen] Eh, it's fine.

Good to see ya.

[Jake] It's good to see you too. But I do have one question though.

[Kathleen] Here we go.

[Jake] Kath, now don't be like that. Alright? I'm just saying, you know, you show up here without even a phone call, and then you invite some bum to move into the house--

[Kathleen] You know, Jake, this is so none of your business, okay? And he's not a bum. So you don't judge me, and I'll lay off judging you.

[Jake] Well, if you're trying to give the old man a heart att*ck, you're doing a good job.

[Kathleen] Jake!

Remember, I know everyone you've ever dated.

You're not a prince.

So just drop it.

[Jake] Fine.

[Kathleen] Okay. I'm off.

If you're around later, call me.

[Jake] It's nice to see you again.

[Kathleen] Yeah. You too.

[Jake] Who was the guy who tried to rearrange your face?

[Garrison] Probably a new boyfriend of one of my ex-wives or something like that.

[Jake] Steele, why should I believe a word that you're saying? Alright? You've been lying to me from the start.

[Garrison] (Crying)

I'm sorry.

I have real trouble, serious trouble with some serious people.

(Phone ringing)

[Garrison] Nikki again? You know, if you want my advice--

[Jake] I do not want your advice. At all.

[Garrison] Clearly.

[Jake] So are you okay?

[Nikki] I feel terrible Jake.

I-- I do. Obviously.

I can't believe I did that to David.

(Slap)

[Garrison] Was that absolutely necessary?

[Gerhard] So, hmm? Did you really think that would work, getting me thrown out like that?

[Garrison] Gerhard, it's so good to see you, but I did you a favour. It was an awful party.

[Gerhard] What are you doing in St. John's?

[Garrison] I came to help you.

I know people-- - No, no, no. I don't want help. I want my money. Yeah?

You have until tomorrow.

[Garrison] I'm good for it.

[Gerhard] You'd better be.

[Gerhard] Oh, and stay out of my business with Tamara, alright?

[Garrison] Oh absolutely.

Yes, of course.

[Gerhard] You know... (Laughs)

You may not believe this, but I always wanted to be a writer as well.

[Garrison] Really, that's fascinating.

[Gerhard] Mmm. You know, if we actually get through this, you know, if I don't end up having to k*ll you, I'd, uh... well, I'd really appreciate you reading some of my stuff.

[Garrison] Boy, I'd love to, but my lawyers don't usually like me reading--

[Gerhard] No, no, no, no. No, no, you'll read it. You'll read it. And, and, and I don't want any false praise, you know? I want what you think, truthfully, yeah?

[Garrison] I think-- I think we can absolutely arrange something. Absolutely.

[Gerhard] Alright. So tomorrow Steele. My money or you're a dead man.

(Bar chatter)

[Garrison] (Laughing)

[Jake] Let's hook up later and we'll... I mean, we'll talk. We're not gonna hook up. Okay? I don't mean let's hook up later, I mean let's talk. Later.

[Nikki] Okay, okay. But should I tell David?

[Jake] No. I would definitely put a pin in that. For now.

[Nikki] Okay, fine. Well, I-- I'm on the night shift so I have to go.

[Jake] Okay. Good night.

♪

[Jake] You son of a--!

♪

[Mal] So, you lost him.

[Jake] And he stole my friggin wallet.

[Rose] Those are Steele's flight itineraries. He flew first class from New York to Paris, executive first class from Paris to Copenhagen--

[Jake] Okay, are you just rubbing in the fact that he stole my credit cards or what?

[Rose] No, that's the whole point. He flew discount economy from Denmark to St. John's.

[Mal] Discount? Doesn't sound like Garrison.

[Jake] He's broke.

[Jake] Didn't Tamara say that she worked at the Danish consulate? Obviously something went down in Denmark.

[Rose] Yeah, but what?

[Mal] Let's find Steele and ask him.

[Des] So that's pretty cool, having your mom home, huh? She seems really cool.

[Tinny] Whatever.

Why don't you give me some Garrison Steele pitches?

[Des] Do you really want to hear them?

[Tinny] Anything to get you to stop talking about my mom.

[Tinny] Go on.

[Des] Okay. Alright. Okay.

You ready?

(Phone ringing)

[Des] Uh, oh! Oh, that's Jake, I should probably...

[Des] Yo, Jake, what's up? Hey is, uh, Garrison there, because I really need to talk to him regarding a sensitive creative matter.

[Jake] Des, I need you to track my credit cards, right away.

[Des] Yeah, yeah, no sweat hommie. Hang on, just let me see if there's any real-time charges.

[Des] Just doing some work for Jake.

[Des] Uh... hang on.

Oh. Have you been drinking at eight different bars on George street in the last hour?

No, but I think I know who has.

Oh wait. Hey! While I still have you, which title do you like more, "m*rder, m*rder On The Wall", or-- Hello? Hello? Jake?

[Jake] Listen, I have to go find Steele before he friggin bankrupts me. But I gotta stop at the hospital for a... Something, real quick.

[Rose] (Clears throat)

Nikki again, huh? Oh, Jake, what are you doing?

[Mal] Don't get me started. I think he's seeing her again.

I oughta whack the crap out of him.

[Rose] Okay, you know what, you might want to try something a little different, you know? A different tactic, maybe? Talk it through maybe?

[Mal] Yeah. Maybe.

[Mal] What are you doing with Nikki? Are you planning to make her entire life a living hell?

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow! What the hell are you doing?

(Whack!)

[Mal] Rose thought you might want to discuss your situation with Nikki, so here I am to discuss it.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Okay, stop hitting me.

[Mal] No, I won't.

[Jake] It's not my fault you're in a bad mood because you're such a terrible father.

[Mal] Look, don't push me today.

I mean it. This isn't about any of that. This is about you and Nikki.

[Jake] I parked the car right here.

[Jake] Ugh! Why is Steele always taking my friggin car?

[Mal] Because he knows it bothers you.

[Jake] Alright look, I need you to... Take me to the hospital to go see Nikki.

[Mal] (Sigh)

[Kathleen] Saturday you wanna hang out?

[Tinny] I'm busy. Work stuff for Uncle Jake.

[Kathleen] Don't be a snot. I just got home. It'd be nice to hang out, that's all.

[Eric] Hey.

[Tinny] Look at that. He managed to find his pants.

Bang up job, cocky.

[Kathleen] Tinny.

[Tinny] I'll see you cats later.

[Eric] What?

(Door shutting)

[Jake] I seem to have this constant, chronic pain in my... guilt area.

[Nikki] Yeah, I know the feeling. It was a bad idea, what we did.

[Jake] I couldn't agree more.

[Nikki] You don't need to be so enthusiastic about it.

[Jake] No, no, Nikki come on.

(Frustrated groan)

Come on. Seriously. Think about it. We've been through this. We've done it over and over and over again. It was a--

[Nikki] Horrible idea. We're wrong for each other.

Exactly. And us sleeping together, it was... - It was meaningless.

[Jake] Yes.

[Nikki] It was nothing at all.

[Jake] It was... nothing.

(Kissing)

[Nikki] I love you.

[Jake] I love you too.

(Muffled through kissing)

[Nikki] Stop doing that!

You have to stop kissing me.

[Jake] You kissed me, okay?

[Nikki] I don't love you like that.

[Jake] I don't love you either.

[Nikki] I'm married. In case you didn't remember. What are we doing?

[Jake] Nothing. We're doing nothing.

[Mal] Hey. Hey Nikki. Sorry, I gotta take Jake now.

[Nikki] Good.

[Mal] Jacob... I know that somewhere deep beneath that thick skull of yours is a good load of common sense. Use it. Nikki's happy.

Move on.

It'd be different if she was the one, but we both know she's not, so do the right thing.

♪

[Mal] Now that that's out of your system, shall we hit George street and track down Garrison and your credit card?

[Jake] Look it doesn't matter.

My credit card is gonna be way over the limit anyway, the way that Garrison Steele drinks.

[Javier] I want Garrison Steele.

[Mal] Who's this?

[Jake] It's a long story.

Okay, okay, just stop.

[Javier] I'm stopped. We're stopped. Stand down, babe.

[Javier] You wanna talk business, I'm a businessman, okay?

[Javier] I'm a publisher of gentlemen's magazines and videos. We're expanding into the erotic novel game and Steele was supposed to give us a big push.

I paid him a hefty advance and he stiffed us.

[Jake] Oh, there's a huge surprise.

[Javier] I want the novel. He owes me.

[Mal] We'll let Steele know.

[Javier] You'll let him know?

Listen to me. If I have to keep chasing him around again, I'll let him know, you know?

[Javier] We're not joking around.

[Javier] Come on.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Yeah?

[Garrison] Uh, I stole your car, but I am definitely over the driving limit, booze-wise. So, I-- I-- I'm at Tamara's place.

[Jake] Stay where you are. We're on our way.

[Jake] Steele.

[Garrison] Hello, it's so good to see you both. No worries.

I was completely sober and legal behind the wheel.

[Jake] You stole my car again.

[Garrison] Borrowed. I'm sure Malachy taught you the importance of sharing.

[Mal] Nope. He never took to it.

[Jake] What the hell are we even doing here anyways?

[Garrison] Mmm. Tamara promised to help us if we helped her.

[Tamara] Please get me away from here.

[Jake] Look, lady, we're not going anywhere with that thing on your ankle.

[Jake] - Uh...

[Garrison] - Oh, he's got a g*n.

[Jake] We gotta change of plans.

Get in the car.

[Jake] Stay still.

[Mal] Hurry up.

[Jake] This won't hurt, I promise.

Ugh, get in the car.

[Garrison] Come on!

I'm not ready to die yet.

[Garrison] Okay, go!

(Tires screeching)

[Gerhard] Steele!

(Angry grunts)

♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪

[Garrison] I need a synonym for "buxom".

[Des] Uh... "Bosomy", "chesty", "well-endowed", "curvy", "voluptuous", "stacked", "ample".

I'm Des, I'm pleased to make your acquaintance.

[Tamara] Charmed.

[Jake] Get out.

Now!

[Des] Yeah.

[Jake] So, Javier.

[Garrison] "Javiar".

[Jake] Whatever. He's mad at you because you haven't delivered his book.

[Mal] And Gerhard here wants you dead for some other reason.

[Jake] It's funny, Steele, everywhere you go someone wants to k*ll you.

[Tamara] I don't want to k*ll him.

[Jake] Yet.

[Garrison] I am in debt. Bad.

I got the advance for my next novel from my regular publisher, and another from Javier. And then I do what I normally do. I-- I-- I flew somewhere exotic to find my muse.

This time is was Denmark.

[Des] Nice. Very vikingy.

[Jake] Get out.

[Des] Yes.

[Mal] How'd Denmark go for you, Garrison?

[Garrison] It went wrong. Uh, I lost big time, baccarat, and so I had to borrow money from Gerhard.

[Jake] How much?

[Garrison] It was a significant amount.

[Mal] And when does your loan come due?

[Garrison] It-- it already did.

So I had to break into Gerhard's office in Denmark.

My plan was to steal cash from his safe in order to pay off my debt.

[Tamara] That's an awful plan.

[Des] I completely agree.

[Des] I'm gone, I'm gone.

[Garrison] When I broke into Gerhard's office, all I could find was the file on Tamara, so I thought if I could find what Tamara stole, with your help I-- I-- I might be able to trade it back to gerhard in exchange for forgiveness of my debt.

[Tamara] You were going to sell me out.

[Garrison] That was before I met you.

[Mal] And, uh, why is Gerhard after you, Tamara?

[Tamara] If I tell you, I want your help to get out of the country.

[Jake] Fine.

[Tamara] Part of my job at the consulate is packing and unpacking diplomatic pouches.

Gerhard is my ex-boss.

[Jake] What does he do?

[Tamara] On paper, he's the cultural attache to the consulate, but in reality he's a smuggler. He helped me get my job, wanted someone he knew handling the pouches, and then he forced me to steal something from one of them.

[Garrison] What item did Gerhard want you to steal?

[Tamara] A tin of caviar.

[Jake] Why does he want fish eggs?

[Garrison] Other than its refined taste?

[Tamara] I don't know.

[Mal] Where's the tin now?

[Tamara] I hid it. I knew there was something up when I took it out of the pouch. So, I've been holding onto the tin to trade for my way out.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Well, you're taking us to that location right now.

[Mal] You go on. I'll catch up.

[Mal] Yeah?

[Des] Nice meeting you.

[Rose] Come on Kathleen.

(Sigh)

[Rose] - What a...

[Kathleen] - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

[Rose] Hello? I was just trying to help.

[Kathleen] You know... I know.

Uh, I'm sorry. I'm a mess, and I will, I will get it all, I'll get this all put away.

[Rose] Everything okay?

[Kathleen] Yeah, I'm fine.

[Rose] Good.

[Kathleen] It's just... I guess I should have asked before I moved Eric in here. Sorry about that. It's just, it's...

I'll find a place.

[Rose] It's okay. It's okay.

This is your house too.

[Kathleen] Tinny, uh... I appreciate you've been good to her.

[Rose] She's a good kid.

[Kathleen] She seems a little pissed at me at the moment, but I'm sure we'll figure it out.

[Rose] I'm sure you will. Just, uh, give her time to get used to her mom being back.

[Kathleen] I'll, uh, get all, this stuff put in the basement.

[Rose] Let me know if you need any help.

[Kathleen] Sure.

♪

(Doors slamming)

[Jake] Okay, why don't you just tell us where the caviar is?

[Tamara] If I told you, how do I know you'd let me go?

What is this? Are you setting me up?

[Jake] No, no, no. I'm not setting you up. Just let me handle this.

[Garrison] I am on it.

[Jake] Keep your mouth shut.

[Javier] Steele, you're a liar and a thief. Hey, have you ever considered getting involved in the adult entertainment industry? You'd do very well.

[Tamara] I'm fine, thank you.

[Garrison] You wanna piece of this, come get it.

[Javier] Alright!

[Jake] Stop! What is it you want from us, exactly?

[Javier] I want my book or my money. It's pretty simple.

[Jake] Okay, that's a start.

Steele why did you mooch out of the man's book?

[Garrison] I have been busy.

[Javier] Well get un-busy, or I'll be forced to take some action.

[Jake] Nobody needs to be taking any action, alright pally?

[Garrison] I will write you an opus so rife with, uh, sexual innuendo, it will make a grandmother blush.

[Javier] You already promised that. Those were the exact words exactly! You said those exact words to my face!

[Jake] Okay, okay, look at me.

Alright? Steele gave you his word. We both know that's worth garbage. But now I'm giving you my word.

[Javier] What, I'm supposed to trust you now?

[Tamara] I trust him. So far he hasn't given this one up, and from what I've seen he's given him plenty of reason.

[Garrison] I'm standing right here.

[Jake] You take me for the kind of guy that makes a promise and doesn't keep it?

[Javier] No.

[Jake] Good.

[Jake] Steele, how long does it take you to write a book?

[Garrison] You-- you can't ask an artist such a question.

How long would it take to count the stars?

What color is love?

Art is--
[Jake] - Shut up.

[Jake] Let's say 20 days.

Will that work?

[Javier] Just make sure there's lots of boobies, or I'll come back and get you.

[Garrison] 20 days? I-- I-- I'm going to need a new assistant. They actually do all the work.

[Jake] Shall we?

[Jake] What is wrong with you?

Why are you acting so nervous?

[Garrison] I'm not nervous.

[Tamara] There. That's my side of the deal. Now get me out of the country.

[Jake] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a sec. I'll see what this is all about.

[Jake] Caviar? I don't get it.

[Gerhard] Okay, everyone turn around, slowly please. Slowly.

I'm really not in the mood to sh**t anyone today really.

[Jake] How did you find us?

[Gerhard] Oh, a little writer friend of mine gave me a quick head's up in exchange for a debt. Now, Steele, even though our debt is settled, you're still obligated to read my book.

Sorry.

[Tamara] I knew I shouldn't have trusted you.

[Gerhard] The prose is awkward.

I admit to that. It needs work.

But the plot structure itself I think is actually quite good.

I, uh, I drew on wealth of experience from my time at the embassy--

[Tamara] Do we really have to listen to this?

[Gerhard] I'll go over the character arcs with you later, alright? Bring the caviar tin over here now. C'mon. And no one do anything stupid. I'm not afraid to sh**t any one of you, I guarantee you that.

[Garrison] I'm truly sorry.

[Gerhard] Tamara, you and I need to have a long chat.

[Tamara] Is it about your stupid book?

[Gerhard] It's about your life expectancy.

[Gerhard] That's a good line, huh? Write that down.

[Tamara] Please, help me!

[Gerhard] Come on.

♪

(Whack!)

[Garrison] I have expensive dental work. Don't be such a barbarian.

♪Yeeah♪

[Jake] You traded a girl for your debt!

[Garrison] I'm not heartless. I thought Gerhard only wanted the tin.

[Jake] Well now he has Tamara and the tin!

[Garrison] The bright side is he might leave me alone now about his book.

[Jake] Give me that.

[Garrison] That is very expensive scotch...

Which by the way, you, you paid for on your credit card.

[Jake] Steele, you have crossed the line this time. It's one thing to drag yourself down into the-- the crap.

But you might get this girl k*lled.

Look at yourself.

You're a mess!

I hate to say this, but you're a heavy weight.

It's time you started acting like one.

♪

[Jake] Any word on that can of fish eggs?

[Des] Oh, well I thought it have come from, like, a giant squid or something. But it turns out it's just normal caviar.

Retail price, like, 200 bucks.

[Jake] So why the hell does everybody want it so bad?

[Garrison] It did come in a nice bag.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Hello?

[Gerhard] Very, very nice with the old bait and switch. Where's my item?

[Jake] Your item?

[Gerhard] Look, don't mess with me. I am tired of that. You know what I mean.

[Jake] Okay, okay. Wait. Wait.

You'll get your, uh, your "item", alright?

But you gotta give us Tamara first.

[Gerhard] Same place as before.

One hour. And don't be clever this time.

[Mal] What did he want?

[Jake] I don't know. His "item".

[Garrison] But we gave him the caviar in a lovely bag.

What more could he want?

[Jake] Rose?

[Rose] Mmm?

[Jake] Did you do that search of recent theft and crime activity in Denmark?

[Rose] Yes, I did, and that didn't really turn up much.

There was a bank robbery, museum theft and a big electronic expo was hit, but that's about it for the last couple of months.

[Jake] Museum theft.

[Jake] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

[Mal] Yeah. We're going to need Des' special skills.

[Des] Which ones, b'y?

(Crash)

[Tamara] Garrison Steele is not going to show up. Why would he show up?

[Garrison] I'll tell you why.

Because you are absolutely fetching and I feel slightly responsible for putting you in that position.

[Jake] Slightly responsible?

You're directly responsible!

[Garrison] Nobody asked you.

[Gerhard] Garrison. First of all I've got my short story for you to read. Now it's a first draft, but I want you to be honest. Kind, but honest.

[Garrison] Good God. Short?

[Gerhard] And secondly, did you bring my item?

[Jake] I'm gonna be honest. At first I had no idea what in the hell you were talking about.

Item? And then it dawned on me.

Really quite brilliant for you do be using the caviar to hide what you are actually smuggling.

[Gerhard] C'mon, enough chit-chat. Just give me the sketch.

[Tamara] A Magnussen sketch.

That was stolen three months ago. It's priceless.

(Click)

[Gerhard] Hey, hey, hey! Don't do anything rash there.

[Jake] Okay now, you can sh**t me, I drop this, the painting goes up in flames, or you give Steele the keys to the handcuffs and you let her go.

[Gerhard] Fine.

[Garrison] Please know this was always my plan.

How could I abandon a creature as beautiful as you?

[Gerhard] C'mon. You got the girl. Give me the sketch.

[Jake] - Yeah...

[Gerhard] - Oh! You idiot!

[Mal] Gerhard?

(Whack!)

[Mal] That's for earlier.

(Clang)

[Jake] Nice work.

[Garrison] Now that's more like it. Too bad you had to burn a beautiful piece of art to save a masterpiece.

[Jake] I gotta be honest with you. I'm a bigger fan of an original myself.

[Garrison] What a reveal.

It's perfect.

♪
♪Oh yeah♪

[Des] So I took a photo of the sketch, then I made a stencil, and then I used spray paint to make the forgery.

[Jake] I don't care.

[Des] Really? Well, it kind makes me the banksy of Newfoundland.

[Jake] More like the bell-head of outer cove.

[Des] Nice.

[Jake] But it is a good job though.

[Des] Thanks.

[Jake] So, go away now.

[Des] Why?

[Jake] Go.

[Des] Oh.

[Leslie] "The Love Canal"?

I'm sensing a hit.

[Jake] Yeah, it's written by Ford platinum, that's Garrison Steele's pseudonym when he writes... Adult novels.

I can get you an autographed copy if you want.

[Leslie] I'll pass. Thanks.

You wouldn't happen to know anything about an international smuggler, or a priceless sketch showing up at the station today?

[Jake] No. I mean, that sounds like a cheesy plot for this novel.

[Leslie] Well, it's-- it's real.

And for the record, it was huge.

Like an international search kind of thing. So...

[Jake] Is that your way of trying to pay me a compliment?

[Leslie] God no.

[Jake] Listen, about the guy you were with at the Danish consulate party. Your date.

Things going well? Is there something real there between you two?

[Leslie] Maybe. I don't know.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] I'm sorry.

[Leslie] I'll see you around Doyle.

[Jake] - Nikki, I--

[Nikki] - You know, the last time we said we loved each other we ended up married.

[Jake] Yeah, and we both know how that turned out.

[Nikki] It's like we go to this place where it's the sex and not the love talking. Like, I know I love you but I don't "love" love you, obviously.

[Jake] I couldn't agree more, so maybe we should both just put this whole thing behind us, yeah?

[Nikki] But, uh, about David.

[Jake] Nikki, I know you feel guilty, but there's no point in telling David anything.

[Nikki] Never mind.

Nothing.

Talk to ya, 'kay?

♪

[Jake] Well look at you.

You look... great.

[Garrison] Well, a man must look the part when he's a "heavy weight".

[Tamara] Garrison, come on.

We're going to miss our flig.

(Kiss)

[Garrison] Turns out she is the love of my life. We're heading to Denmark to testify against Gerhard, and the court has dropped the charges against Tamara in exchange for recovering the sketch.

[Tamara] And then we're off to Vegas.

(Kiss)

[Tamara] I'll be in the loo.

[Garrison] See you shortly my darling.

[Jake] Like they say, the fifth time's the charm, what?

And listen, I'm not forgetting you owe me a piece of this book and not the garbage you're writing for Javier.

[Garrison] "Javiar".

[Jake] Whatever.

[Garrison] No worries. Tamara's my new assistant, and thanks to this latest adventure I have the idea for my next novel.

[Jake] Let me guess, another "Special Detective"?

[Garrison] No, I have discovered a much greater protagonist.

[Jake] Who? Des?

[Garrison] Me.

This will be the first book in my new series "Steeling The Night Away, The Garrison Steele Mysteries".

My rep has already sold the TV rights.

(Clink)

[Jake] To you.

[Garrison] Mmm.

Well, Jake Doyle, until next time. Ciao bello.

[Jake] Ciao, man.

[Garrison] Can I give you one last piece of advice?

[Jake] No.

[Garrison] Duck.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!

[David] Now, I-- I'm sorry Jake, but stay away from my wife.

[Garrison] Garrison Steele.

[David] I swear to God, I'll k*ll ya. Just leave us alone.

[Garrison] A fitting ending.