03x09 - Mirror, Mirror

[bunniefuu]

[Narrator] Previously on Republic of Doyle...

[Jake] Leslie!

(g*n sh*ts)

[Jake] Just stop sh**ting, okay?

[Leslie] I told you your crap was gonna get you in trouble, and now it has.

[Jake] (Thud)

[Leslie] Doyle! I need to talk to you.

[Maurice] Who the hell are ye, and how stupid are ye? Come over here and sit at my table.

[Maurice] Karen, meet your guest.

[Karen] Bon soir.

[Jake] Um, sorry.

[Jake] Maurice Becker.

[Maurice] I have this way of finding people who do me wrong.

And I will contact you.

[Kathleen] Walter, I think I've always had a crush on you--

[Kathleen/Walter] (Kissing)

[Tinny] Des, forget about Chandra.

[Des] It's just that Chandra had this grace, you know? She didn't singe my hair, and she didn't hate me.

[Leslie] By the way, I'm glad you're not dead.

[Jake] You always know the right thing to say.

♪

[Leslie] Are you going to explain to me what happened out there?

All the times I tell you to shut up, and you're going to choose now to stay silent?

[Leslie] Alright, fine.

Be that way.

[Maurice] I have no problem talking to a beautiful officer like yourself.

[Jake] Please.

[Maurice] Shut up.

[Leslie] Go on then.

[Maurice] Do you want to know who caused this terrible, bloody mess out there? That thing there, luh. He's got no guts, and he's an idiot where pressure is concerned, unlike myself.

[Maurice] I had the situation well under control.

(g*n sh*ts)

[Maurice] How many b*ll*ts was that?

[Jake] I don't know. Just make it stop!

[Maurice] Well, if I'm gonna make the jump... (g*n sh*ts)

[Maurice] We gotta count the amount of a*mo they've been shelling at us. you away from this.

[Jake] Oh come on-- Come on!

That's not even close to what actually happened. Cowering?

Crying? Ugh. You know what? I will talk. Okay? Anything to stop the constant flow of... Crap that's coming from his mouth. First of all, there was no machine g*n.

(Rewinding noise)

(g*n sh*ts)

[Jake] What the hell is going on?

[Maurice] It's life, Jake!

Lovely! Tell your mother!

(g*n sh*ts)

[Jake] Are you trying to k*ll me?

[Maurice] If I wanted you k*lled, you'd be dead by now.

[Jake] Give me that.

[Maurice] Oh don't hurt yourself.

(g*n sh*ts)

[Jake] God, I hate g*ns. You didn't leave me much to work with.

(g*n sh*ts)

[Jake] Here we go.

One... two... (g*n cocking)

[Jake] Three.

♪ oh yeah (Oh yeah!) ♪
♪ oh yeah (Oh yeah!) ♪
♪ oh yeeeah oh yeeeah ♪
♪ oh yeah! ♪

(Police siren)

[Jake] So then I saved us. And a few minutes later, you showed up.

[Maurice] Saved us? That's what you call that?

[Jake] What are you on? cr*ck?

[Leslie] Look, enough, okay?

Someone-- One of you, is gonna tell me what happened.

The truth, from the start.

[Jake] Okay, I was minding my own business, and my day was already off... to a bad start.

[Jake] I was at the Duke, which is normally a good thing, but I was getting ready to play golf and to make things worse, I was gonna play golf with a bunch of friggin arse-holes.

[Jake] Golf? Seriously, is this the best use of our day?

[Walter] Yeah, of course it is.

It's gonna be fun, man.

[Jake] Fun? Three grown men chasing a little white ball around. Oh yeah. Yes, b'y.

Good times.

[Mal] Don't mind him Walter, and thank you for the tee time.

[Walter] Oh hey, you know, no problem. I know a guy who knows a guy. Um, but, uh, after golf, how about a little bit of sake and sushi at basho? On me.

[Jake] See, that sounds like a good idea. Why do we have to go play this... stupid game?

[Mal] It's not stupid. It's a game of patience, intelligence and focus. Things you sadly lack.

[Jake] So you've proven once again what a terrible failure you are as a father.

[Mal] If you're gonna be such a suck about it, you can always caddy for me. Why don't you just start by running upstairs and fetching the golf balls?

[Walter] Look, Jake, I'm sorry, alright? It's just, you look like you might have-- You could use a break, and-- and it's a great place to talk.

You know, share?

[Jake] You've been drinking swish again.

[Mal] Lay off him!

Go get your clubs.

[Jake] Alright b'y. Don't have another heart att*ck.

[Leslie] Okay. What did you find?

[Maurice] Me. In all my glory.

And there he was, right in front of me; His face like a boiled boot.

[Maurice] Looking for lost souls, Doyle?

[Jake] Maurice Becker.

You look amazing.

[Maurice] What else?

[Jake] Wha-- what are you doing here?

[Maurice] Oh just sitting here, thinking about the nature of man. And that led me to you for some reason.

[Maurice] Adequate compensation to acquire the services of a sub-standard private detective, wouldn't you say?

[Jake] Oh... this is too generous, Mr. Becker. I'm not talented enough to receive such a bounty.

[Maurice] True, but unfortunately time is tight and you're my only option.

[Jake] Bounty? Bounty? What am I a pirate?

(Rewinding noise)

[Jake] I hate golf.

(Thwack!)

[Jake] Ah!

[Maurice] Fire in the hole, Doyle. Ha ha.

[Jake] Maurice Becker.

[Maurice] (Laugh)

[Jake] You look terrible.

[Maurice] It's time for you to pay back that debt you owe me, Doyle.

[Jake] What are you doing?

[Maurice] It's time, Doyle!

Time, time.

[Guy] Both of you, hands up!

[Jake] And, uh, who are you now exactly?

[Guy] Who am I? I'm the guy holding a g*n to you, my friend.

Who the hell are you?

[Jake] Well, I'm the guy who owns the office you just broke into.

[Guy] Whatever. Hands up.

(Whack!)
[Guy] Oh!

(Thud) [Guy] Ah!

[Leslie] So that's what happened then? This one saves the day?

[Jake] I hit the guy with the golf ball first.

[Maurice] And I disarmed him.

[Maurice] Up! Up.

Up up.

[Jake] Why do I get the feeling this little run-in wasn't a coincidence?

[Maurice] Nothing gets by you Doyle. And I got something for you to do, and this is not a request.

(Prodding noise)

♪

[Jake] Who was your friend back there?

[Maurice] Oh, just some arse-hole vagrant who thinks I've wronged him.

Nothing for you to worry about.

[Jake] Uh, what are we doing here?

[Maurice] I'm looking for something.

[Maurice] Well, that was dirty pool.

[Jake] I'm taking you to the RNC, and I'm turning you in.

I have a friend there who would be very interested in meeting you, and she's really, really beautiful, by the way.

[Leslie] That's a nice try Doyle, but it's not gonna help.

[Jake] I'm just telling you exactly what happened; The words that I said, exactly.

[Maurice] You can't turn me in.

Now I'm begging, I'm begging now. You want me-- You don't understand.

[Jake] What don't I understand, Maurice? The fact that you tried to k*ll me, not once, but twice?

Uh, the fact that you're a con, and-- and-- and a fugitive?

What could I possibly not understand?

[Maurice] I-- I-- I haven't got long to live.

I'm dying b'y.

[Jake] I gotta be honest, I wasn't expecting that.

Is it bad?

[Maurice] No. It's the good type of dying, idiot.

It's the liver.

I got a couple of months.

[Jake] Maurice, I-- I mean, I pretty much hate your guts, but I have to say I-- I'm sorry to hear that.

[Maurice] Yeah, well when these things happen, puts matters in perspective, you know? You have to reconsider all the things you done wrong. Gotta put things right. That's why I need you.

I need you to help me find my niece and reconcile, you know?

You-- you remember Karen?

[Jake] No.

[Maurice] Yeah, Karen, b'y.

Look.

[Jake] Okay, yes. I remember her, okay?

[Maurice] Family.

You understand. It's the past.

We need to heal, b'y.

We used to come here.

We'd play when she was little.

[Jake] (Sigh)

Say I do help you. Do you have a clue where she is?

[Maurice] Well there were locals she used to frequent.

[Jake] (Sigh)

Alright Maurice, if I do this, you have to promise that when it's all over you come with me quietly to the RNC--

[Maurice] I-- I-- I give you my word. I-- I'd even-- I'd swear on Al Capone's hat.

[Jake] Okay.

[Leslie] Is that true, about your health?

[Maurice] Yeah, it is. But I never begged. Never. I got pride. But he did say you were beautiful, and for the record you are.

(Mumbling)

As a matter of fact, I-- I was-- I-- I was thinking--

I was wondering if the two us...

[Des] Oh man, oh man! Jake was just arrested with Maurice.

What should I do?

I should do something.

Okay. Okay. Okay. All we need, all we need is a plan.

[Tinny] Or you could just relax.

Uncle Jake knows what he's doing.

[Des] Yeah, I know that.

Obviously I know that. Uh, Tinny? Hello, hi! You know, in some cultures it's considered rude to be texting while you're in the middle of a conversation with someone.

[Tinny] Sorry.

[Des] Um... I don't get it. Did you just... did you just say you're... did you just apologize to me? I'm-- I'm super confused.

[Tinny] Well don't get used to it.

[Des] I won't.

♪

[Jake] It was a dying man's wish. What did you want me to do? Plus I'm partly responsible for his relationship with his niece.

[Leslie] Partly?

[Maurice] He had a tete-a-tete with her down in St. Pierre.

[Leslie] Just continue.

[Maurice] That would be my pleasure.

[Jake] Okay look, nobody here recognizes Karen. Let's go.

We've wasted enough time.

[Jake] Whoa! You friggin meathead. You watch where you're going.

(Whack) [Jake] Oh!

[Jake] Hang on. That isn't even close to what actually happened.

First of all, I didn't even see the guy when-- (Crash!)

[Jake] Ah!

[Horace] You know you're not welcome here.

[Maurice] Horace! It's Maurice.

Here I was just telling somebody, I don't know who it was.

About all the great times we had.

What?

[Horace] I'm sorry to do this, but you're not boss here any more.

[Maurice] You wouldn't hurt a dying man.

(Whack)

[Jake] Uh, that... (Laughs)

That was supposed to knock you out.

(Whack)

[Maurice] Would you cut the crap and get to work?

[Jake] Ah!

You could have told me that, uh, sailor white used to be your heavy.

[Maurice] Okay. Look, okay?

Karen's number.

[Jake] I guess this whole trip wasn't a complete waste of time.

[Maurice] Well, I'll never lead you astray Doyle.

[Maurice] Now the facts that Doyle is depicting are nothing but half-truths, fabrications, bold faced lies.

[Jake] Says the man who's niece won't even talk to him.

[Leslie] Look, you can bicker all you want. I'm not refereeing. I'm stretching my legs. You two figure out your story by the time I get back.

[Hood] Everything okay?

[Leslie] Yeah. The room's just full of hot air.

♪

[Walter] I don't know what to do, man. It's like-- It's like Sophie's choice or something here.

[Mal] Walter, relax. It'll work out.

[Walter] What if it doesn't? I mean, obviously I think it will.

Because the sex is just... what? Uh, no. I'm gonna stop talking now.

(Phone ringing)

[Mal] Good lad.

[Rose] Everything okay with Jake?

[Mal] I don't know. Leslie's been questioning him for a while. How are things on your end?

[Rose] I'm, uh, sitting trying to figure out how Maurice was gonna make his getaway.

[Mal] I don't what Jake's after, but I'm sure it's something.

Keep on it.

[Rose] Okay, I will. I'm just heading to the airport now.

I'll call you back and fill you in.

[Mal] Great. Gotta go. Leslie's just stepped out.

[Mal] How's Jake doing?

[Leslie] He's a pain in the arse, but he's fine. It'll be a bit til you can see him. He still has to answer a few questions.

[Mal] Being difficult?

[Leslie] Jake? Never.

[Walter] Well, I need to talk to him. Um, well I'm-- I'm, I'm his lawyer, so obviously he's going to want to consult with me, right?

[Leslie] I'm sorry, Walter, but for some reason he says he doesn't want to see you.

[Walter] Oh, that's not a good sign.

[Mal] What do you expect?

[Leslie] Actually Mal, can I borrow you? Might be you can shed some light on a few things.

[Mal] Yeah. Of course.

[Leslie] Come with me.

(Police station chatter)

[Leslie] - Okay Malachy, I gotta tell you--

[Mal] - Jake is driving you batty.

[Leslie] - Yes. And Maurice is--

[Mal] - Full of crap.

[Leslie] To his ears!

[Mal] So you need my take to illuminate things.

[Leslie] Please.

[Mal] It started off as the best kind of day, no Jake in sight.

But as we both know, that never lasts for too long.

[Rose] Okay, well that clears up payment for the Peterson/Myers case, and, uh... It looks like we're done.

[Mal] Great. I think we've earned the afternoon off.

[Des] Tinny. Tinny, focus.

Focus.

[Mal] What's going on in there?

[Rose] Oh, Des is on the phone with Tinny, helping her with her homework.

(Door opening)

[Jake] Just move it.

I know, I know. It's a long story. You, sit down out of it.

Rose, dad, you remember Maurice?

[Mal] Becker.

[Maurice] Malachy. Been a while.

You look fit. Well...
[Mal] - So, uh, you still trying to k*ll us, or was that just a passing fancy?

[Jake] Maurice is... Well, he needs our help with his niece.

He's dying. It's a long story.

[Maurice] Liver.

[Jake] - Rose?

[Rose] - Mmm?

[Jake] This is Karen's phone number, alright? I need you to back track it. It's out of order or something.

[Rose] I'll do what I can.

[Jake] Don't do nothing.

[Des] It's simple, okay? String theory is the unified theory.

[Tinny] I don't care.

[Des] Yeah, I don't care either.

Okay, I'm lying. I really, really do care. So none of this is landing on you though, huh?

[Tinny] Nope.

[Des] Well, uh, you know, now that I'm no longer in a relationship, uh...

[Tinny] Des. We all know you're single. All anyone needs to do is look at your sweaters to know that you're single.

I'm kidding.

Your sweaters and your sweater vests are so hot.

[Des] You really think so?

[Tinny] I don't... think so.

[Des] Hello? Hello?

[Mal] What the hell are you thinking? That guy's a fugitive.

He tried to k*ll us both.

[Jake] But Maurice is up to something, okay? And I'd rather have him in my sights than lurking in the shadows somewhere.

[Mal] This is about that girl, isn't it? This is about Karen.

[Jake] No. Yes. No. What?

Partly. Look, Maurice is looking for her, which ultimately means it's gonna be our problem.

[Mal] Okay, I'll call in some favors, see if anyone's heard any rumblings about Maurice.

[Jake] Good. And I just wanted to say that Malachy Doyle, you are a wonderful father.

[Mal] Sorry.

[Jake] I want you to looking into this, uh, guy for me.

[Mal] - Handsome fella Well, I don't see it, but he's after Maurice so see what you can dig up.

[Mal] Yeah, but remember, Jake, Karen maybe easy on the eye, but she's ruthless.

(Phone ringing)
[Jake] Point taken.

[Jake] Walter, yeah?

Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

[Leslie] "Blah blah blah"?

[Mal] Jake's always getting phone calls about nonsense.

I try to tune him out. I would have d*ed from a migraine years ago if I didn't.

[Jake] - So is Leslie coming back or...

[Hood] - Sergeant Bennett is indisposed.

[Maurice] That'd be the smell of Jake that keeps her away.

[Hood] So, what happened after you visited the bar?

[Jake] After the bar we went to my office.

[Hood] Hold it Doyle. I'd rather hear this from your friend. More likely to be true.

[Maurice] Good man.

[Maurice] What's wrong with you?

[Des] Ah, she-- Tinny-- She... She doesn't quite understand my passion for quantum physics.

I don't know... anything... About anything.

[Maurice] Tinny.

It's a woman, is it?

Hmm. Well let me tell you, understanding all of the multi-verse universes that we are likely to inhabit is a hell of a lot easier than finding our way in and out of the female mind. Here. Head over to the cotton club. Consider it research.

[Des] I will.

[Mal] Got something?

[Rose] Found an address that matches the phone number.

It's, uh, a helicopter hangar out by the airport registered to a company from St. Pierre.

[Jake] Saddle up.

[Jake] "Saddle up"?

I would never say "saddle up".

What do I look like, McCloud?

[Maurice] Well maybe I got your vernacular wrong, but I got your temperament right. Shut up.

♪

[Jake] Ah!

[Maurice] You going out of your mind?

[Jake] I can't find any record of Karen being involved in this place anywhere.

[Maurice] Maybe if you checked the client directory.

[Jake] That's a brilliant idea.

Ah! It's taking some long time for this thing to boot up.

[Maurice] Don't hit it.

[Jake] (Smacking)

[Jake] Come on. Do you actually think that I'd act that way?

[Hood] I know you well enough that nothing's beyond the realm of possibility.

[Jake] (Smacking)

[Maurice] Oh hang on. That light supposed to be on normally?

[Jake] Must have triggered the alarm somehow.

[Maurice] Somehow.

[Jake] Uh... uh... Here's what we'll do.

Uh, when they come around the corner, we'll just-- We'll just-- We'll-- We'll--

(whacking)

Whack them over the head.

[Maurice] Maybe talk to them.

(Footsteps)

[Jake] Oh.

(Clears throat)

Uh... hi, Karen.

It's, uh, great to see you again.

[Karen] Who are you?

[Jake] I'm Jake. I'm Jake Doyle.

Don't you remember me?

Oh. Perhaps this will refresh your memory.

[Jake/Karen] (Kissing)

[Jake] (Thud)

[Hood] That's not what really happened, is it?

[Jake] Well... (Rewinding noise)

♪

[Jake] Well, Karen.

It's been a long time.

[Karen] Mmm. Too long, Jake Doyle, the private investigator man.

You look terrible.

[Jake] I wish I could say the same about you.

[Karen] Yes, well, it's my burden to bear.

[Jake/Karen] (Kissing)

[Jake] (Thud)

♪ Yeeah ♪

[Leslie] So what happened after Jake visited the office?

[Mal] Well, with not much to go on, I did what I thought was best.

[Leslie] Which was?

[Mal] I followed Jake and Maurice.

(Cell phone ringing)

[Mal] I answered the call, and then I saw some movement by the hangars, and--

[Leslie] Who called?

[Mal] Oh, it's not important.

[Leslie] I'll be the judge of that.

[Mal] Walter?

[Walter] Uh, how's it hanging?

[Mal] You looking for Jake?

[Walter] Uh, no. Hey, no, uh, no. I'm just, uh, I'm seeing how you're doing, buddy. I, uh, got a box for an upcoming ice caps game. Uh, what do you say?

You in?

[Mal] Hey Walter, I know about you and Kathleen.

[Walter] (Laughing) What--
What are you talking about?

[Walter] He knows.

He knows about us.

[Kathleen] So what? Let's just have lunch.

[Mal] I spent a large part of my life as an investigator.

[Walter] We weren't trying to hide or anything. It just-- It--

It kind of happened, you know?

It's just one of those things.

Be quiet, you... Hey daddy. Hi. Yeah.

You know, I'm a grown woman, and I can make my own choices.

[Mal] Do you like him?

[Kathleen] Yeah. Yup. I, uh... like, I think so.

[Mal] Walter's been a friend to this family for a long time.

Just do me a favour, when you break up with him, don't make it my problem, okay?

[Kathleen] Wow, that's encouraging.

[Walter] What did he say?

[Kathleen] He's thrilled.

[Walter] Right!

[Mal] Jake doesn't know.

You should tell him.

[Kathleen] 'Kay.

[Kathleen] (Giggle)

Daddy really wants you to tell Jake.

Let's go.

[Leslie] Walter's dating Jake's sister, and Jake doesn't know it?

[Mal] Try not to sound so happy.

[Leslie] (Laughing)

Sorry. Please continue.

♪

[Mal] Where are you, Jake?

♪

[Mal] Jake?

Jake?!

Sleeping on the job again?

[Jake] Oh no, I'm awake.

I'm awake.

[Mal] So who's responsible for your nap, Maurice or Karen?

Told you that girl was trouble.

[Jake] Look, I can expect this kind of thing from Maurice, but I didn't expect it from Karen.

[Mal] You have that effect on women. They like it best when you can't speak.

[Jake] Oh crap. I lost the g*n.

[Mal] You packing heat now?

[Jake] Packing heat?

No, I'm not-- The g*n isn't mine, okay? It was a long story.

[Jake] This is odd.

[Mal] So is this... A parking ticket.

[Jake] Guess who's name it's made out in? Maurice Becker.

(Door opening)

[Leslie] Hood, what happened?

[Hood] Jake and Becker are having some disagreements.

[Leslie] (Sigh)

[Maurice] Do I have to remind you who I am?

[Jake] A liar.

[Maurice] You're lucky I'm dying, brother.

[Jake] Oh, you're dying-- Just cut the crap, alright? You're not even sick.

[Leslie] You're both gonna be if you don't settle down.

[Jake] He started it.

[Maurice] Oh careful. I'm not well.

[Jake] Yeah, not in the head.

[Leslie] Hood.

[Jake] (Thud)

[Leslie] Take Maurice to interview four.

Sit. Now I want the rest of the story, no interruptions.

[Jake] Fine.

[Jake] Alright, so we got a missing Maurice, and a missing Karen. What else do we know?

[Mal] That Maurice is back in town claiming to be dying from some malady, and looking for Karen.

[Rose] Yeah, well I've asked around. Apparently there's no love lost between niece and Uncle.

[Jake] What about our French friend here.

[Des] Oh, uh, I check the criminal databank, but I couldn't find anything on Guy but he-- He's funny looking, huh? I bet he gets dumped on all the time.

[Jake] I find him funny looking too.

[Rose] Oh yeah.

[Mal] Yeah.

[Jake] And he was packing heat.

He's got a beef against Maurice.

[Mal] Now Horace here is pretty much Karen's lieutenant, the same job as he used to do for Maurice.

[Rose] And the helicopter hangar you and Maurice went to, Karen owns it. Seems she's gone legit.

[Jake] Pfft. I don't know about that. She did drug me.

[Rose] Oh, and I got a hit on the parking ticket. Maurice recently bought a car at a used car dealership.

[Jake] Good. Maybe they know something about Maurice we don't. Let's go.

[Jake] You know what? I'm just gonna skip ahead now.

[Leslie] Why? I already know about Kathleen and Walter.

[Jake] (Sigh)

[Jake] So, buddy, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?

[Walter] Yeah, I got-- I gotta tell you something.

You know I love you, right?

[Jake] Of course. Walter, look.

You're the best friend a guy could ever have, alright?

Whatever you have to tell me, it's fine.

[Walter] I'm dating your sister.

I'm dating Kathleen.

[Jake] That's awesome.

I'm so happy for you.

I'm so happy for both of you.

(Clink) Cheers.

[Leslie] Jake, do you really expect me to buy that?

[Leslie] You punched him.

[Jake] What?!

[Leslie] I saw Walter and his black eye, and I know how you can get with family.

[Jake] Hold on, hold on.

Okay, Kathleen is my sister, alright? I'm her brother. Not her boyfriend.

[Walter] I'm dating Kathleen.

[Walter] Come on Jake. It's-- it's not such a big deal, man.

It's like-- (Whack!)

[Leslie] So Walter just walked into a door?

[Jake] How else do you think he got the black eye?

[Leslie] Just finish the story.

[Jake] (Sigh)

[Guy] Le stylo.

[Karen] Mon livre.

[Maurice] L'argent.

[Leslie] Just wait a second.

Why are they talking about books and pens?

[Jake] Well, they're not.

I just-- My French isn't very good. I had to stop at grade nine, but I had a really hot French teacher.

[Leslie] Whatever. Continue.

[Guy] (Groan)

[Guy] You have no idea what you're doing. You idiot.

[Jake] You're a cop?

[Guy] Oui.

(Whack)

(g*n sh*ts)

[Jake] What the hell is going on?

(g*n sh*t)

[Maurice] It's life, Jake.

Lovely. Tell your mother!

(g*n sh*t)

[Jake] Are you trying to k*ll me?

[Maurice] If I wanted you k*lled, you'd be dead by now.

[Jake] Give me that.

[Maurice] Don't hurt yourself.

(g*n sh*ts)

[Jake] God, I hate g*ns.

You didn't leave me much to work with.

Alright, here we go.

One... two... Three.

(Police siren)

[Cop] RNC. Hands up.

Hands! Hands!

[Jake] Uh... crap.

[Jake] And that's pretty much about the time that you and hood showed up, so can I get out of these cuffs now please?

[Leslie] I'll think about it.

(Knocking)

[Leslie] Enter.

(Door opening)

[Guy] Hi. I'm, uh, Officer Guy Racicot de La Surete du Quebec.

[Leslie] You're Guy?

[Guy] Mm hmm.

[Leslie] You're not funny looking at all.

[Guy] Pa-- Pardon?

[Jake] Pretty sure that he's making fun of you in... French.

[Leslie] - Officer Racicot, this is, um--

[Guy] - No, that's "ra-cee-co".

[Leslie] Racicot.

[Guy] Mm hmm.

[Leslie] This is Jake Doyle.

[Guy] Call me Guy.

[Jake] Call me Jake... Doyle.

I'm really sorry that I had to knock you unconscious.

Twice.

[Guy] C'est correct. I'm used to it. Happens all the time back in LA belle province.

[Jake] You're a long way from LA... quebec.

[Guy] Yeah. Uh, I'm on a special assignment, to bring Becker back to stand trial. He's involved in, uh, rum and spirit smuggling into quebec, and he got away before we could get him.

[Jake] Leslie, did you get Becker's full story yet, or...

[Leslie] Uh, yeah, we-- we just wanted to get your story first.

[Jake] Really? Well I'd like to be there when you get the... the rest of his.

(Clears throat)

♪

[Rose] What we're definitely not looking for is plane, bus or boat.

[Mal] They need something to get them off the island.

[Rose] Yeah. Oh well, I'll keep searching.

[Mal/Rose] (Kiss)

[Rose] Bye babe.

[Des] Hey.

[Rose] Hey. Listen, we need you guys to go stake out a bar. Jake met a guy there named Horace and if he shows up again he may lead us to Karen.

[Tinny] A bar? Are you sure we can go in there?

[Rose] Oh knock it off. I know you have a fake I.D.

[Des] Whaaaat? Tinny, that's terrible.

[Rose] And I know who made it for her.

[Des] Whaaaat? That's not... true.

[Tinny] Come on.

[Des] Okay.

[Guy] Can't wait to hear this BS.

[Jake] That's one thing we can agree on.

[Guy] That cop, uh, Leslie.

She's--
[Jake] - Ah! Just shut up.

[Maurice] I had just left the hangar.

[Leslie] You didn't stay to see your niece who you'd been searching for?

[Maurice] No.

[Guy] (Scoff)

[Maurice] I was afraid, you know? I was too embarrassed to face her for all the wrongs I had done.

♪

[Karen] Uncle Maurice!

♪

[Karen] Maurice, non.

[Jake] (Shouting)

[Maurice] Run Karen!

♪

(g*n sh*ts)

[Maurice] Alright, how many b*ll*ts was that?

[Jake] What?

I-- I-- I don't know.

Just make it stop.

(g*n sh*t)

[Guy] That liar.

(Door opening)

[Leslie] What's going on?

[Guy] Tell the truth.

[Maurice] I am, cop!

[Guy] I didn't fire on you.

[Jake] Okay, just take it easy, alright pally?

[Leslie] You shouldn't be in here, Guy.

[Guy] (French)

[Guy] I should what? Stay out there and let this scum lie about me?

[Maurice] (French)

[Maurice] Oh God.

[Jake] What's wrong Maurice?

Are you dying?

♪

[Jake] Oh...

Anyone wanna call an ambulance, or...

♪ Oh yeah ♪

(Ambulance siren)

[Leslie] Maurice is fine. The doctors couldn't find anything physically wrong with him, but they want to keep him overnight for observation.

[Jake] So he was faking.

I knew it.

[Guy] That's fine. As long as he comes back to quebec with me.

[Leslie] About that... Maurice stays here. I'm sorry.

[Guy] I understand. How can I be mad at someone so beautiful?

Can I see Maurice?

[Leslie] Yeah. Of course.

[Jake] "Of course".

You know, your new... Boyfriend is becoming a real pain in the ass.

[Leslie] Maybe I should ask him out. He is beau et charmant.

[Jake] Well people have told me I can be very beau et charmant as well, but I don't run around charmanting it in, you know, people's faces.

♪

[Guy] He's gone.

Maurice escaped.

[Leslie] Guy, check room by room. He couldn't have got far without help. I'll phone it in.

Lock this whole hospital down, now!

[Des] Okay. Alright. So maroon, or horizontal striped? The maroon really accentuates my slender figure, and the stripes really do-- Oh!

[Walter] Whatcha doing?

[Des] Um, I'm just, uh, preparing for an upcoming stakeout. I want to make sure the bad guys can't see me.

[Walter] You're trying to look good for a girl.

[Des] How'd you know?

[Walter] Well, you know.

[Des] Here. You got a minute?

Just come with me.

Okay. I think Tinny might, like, "like" me.

[Walter] Okay, well you gotta get in there, because guys like us, we gotta take these opportunities where we can get them.

[Des] (Laughs)

I've been known to capture a lady or two.

[Walter] What like, like illegally?

[Des] No! No, like capture their hearts.

[Walter] Okay. Alright. It's just you have to do everything in your power to get Tinny or you're gonna die alone.

[Des] Okay. Okay! Yeah, you're right. Yeah! I'm not going to let my fear of Jake or Mal or Rose or Kathleen or you or Tinny herself get in my way.

[Walter] Yeah! That's the spirit!

[Des] Yeah! How'd you get that black eye again?

[Walter] I told Jake I was dating Kathleen.

[Des] Right.

Oh I'm so dead.

[Jake] Hey, did you find anything?

[Guy] Nothing.

Hey, um, by the way, sergeant Bennett-- Leslie--

Uh, do you know if she's, uh, dating anyone?

[Jake] Yes. She has a big, uh, boyfriend. He plays hockey with the Flatrock Flyers. Goon.

Forward chopper. Very violent.

I'd stay clear if I was you.

[Guy] I see. I-- I thought she was giving me signals.

[Jake] I didn't see any signals.

[Guy] No?

[Jake] This whole thing right now, it's ridiculous. We should be out there looking for Maurice, you know what I mean?

(Whack)

[Jake] (Thud)

♪

[Jake] (Groaning)

♪

[Jake] This guy is a knob.

I knew there was something I didn't like about him.

[Mal] Besides the fact that Leslie likes him better than you?

[Jake] Oh you're hilarious. What do you got on him? He att*cked me! I know he's working for Maurice.

[Mal] Rose is looking into it.

In the meantime, one my old friends sent me this.

[Jake] What is it?

[Mal] It's a copy of the case the crown's putting together against Karen. Her legitimate helicopter business is not so legitimate.

[Jake] She's using the helicopters to smuggle rum. Man, she is smart and attractive.

[Mal] RNC have a warrant out for Karen, so she rarely leaves St. Pierre, only when she is overseeing a large consignment of rum. Word on the street is she got one just days ago, and she traded her rum for a load of bearer bonds.

[Jake] Maybe she's taking those bonds back to St. Pierre right now.

[Mal] That's probably why Maurice is here too. He's after the bonds, not Karen.

[Rose] Guys, I just talked to guy's captain at the quebec police force. Turns out he's not on assignment. He's here on vacation.

[Jake] So the douche cop from quebec has gone rogue.

[Rose] Hm, a good looking on too, hey? Huh. And get this.

The police also found his abandoned car rental at the corner of Portugal cove and McDonald drive.

[Jake] That's right by Karen's hangar. Let's go.

♪

(Fog horn)

[Mal] Looks like we're too late.

[Jake] Man, I thought we had him.

(Coins falling)

♪

[Mal] That's weird.

[Guy] (Muffled pleas)

[Jake] (Laughing)

[Jake] Man, what does Leslie see in you?

[Guy] (Muffled talking)

♪Yeeah♪

[Jake] Where's Maurice?

[Guy] I don't know.

[Jake] Well that's funny, because we're pretty sure you helped him escape.

[Guy] Hey! I brought him--
(Groan) I brought him here...

But then Horace got the jump on me.

[Mal] Horace? Isn't he Karen's man?

[Guy] Yeah, I thought so. All I know is that when I woke up I was hanging from the stairs and both him and Maurice were gone.

[Mal] So what's your story?

Maurice paying you off? We know you're not on special assignment.

[Jake] Oh, he doesn't want to talk. I see.

[Guy] Hey! Hey! Hey!

What the hell? Let me down!

[Jake] Talk or I'll drop you on your head.

[Guy] You wouldn't understand.

[Mal] Try us.

[Guy] (Groan)

Maurice is like my white male.

[Jake] Uh... You-- "Your white" what?

[Guy] My white male.

[Mal] You mean "white whale".

[Guy] Ah, oui. C'est ca.

Look, I've been working this case for years, but he--

But he keeps slipping away.

When I learned that he was here, I took some time off and I decided to come here and get him and bring him to quebec.

[Mal] I can commiserate. There's always that one case for every cop. But if Maurice is yours, why'd you help him break out of the hospital?

[Guy] (Laughs)

(Speaking in French)

[Guy] I'm an idiot. I cut a deal with him. I'd help him get out of the hospital and let him tie up a loose end, and in exchange he'd come back to quebec with me. But he didn't keep his side of the bargain.

[Jake] Wow. That was... Really stupid.

[Guy] You're stupid.

[Mal] Yeah. Who would fall for Maurice's lies?

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Hey, just let him down, alright, before he starts to cry.

[Guy] (Grunt)

[Jake] Yeah?

[Tinny] Uncle Jake, we have movement at the bar.

[Jake] Did Horace come back?

[Tinny] No, Karen. She just walked in carrying a large duffle bag.

[Jake] Okay, good. Call me, alright, if anything changes.

[Des] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Um... do you eat?

[Tinny] Calm down now.

[Des] No, no.

I mean, uh-- I mean, um--
Uh, we could get some food, just to celebrate the, uh, the stakeout.

[Tinny] Are you asking me out?

[Des] What?

No. No. No! (Laughs)

No. Why would I do that?

I mean, that's crazy.

That's stupid.

You'd have to be...
(Cell phone chiming)

[Tinny] Whoa! Eyes off, Dessie.

[Jake] Well, I got some good news. Looks like we got a lead on your, uh, "white male".

[Guy] Ha ha. Funny. Ha ha, funny. I get the joke. It must be tough for you, huh, though, not talking either official language?

[Mal] (Laughs)

[Jake] Karen was spotted back at Horace's bar.

[Mal] Probably meeting Horace before heading back to St. Pierre.

[Guy] Then that's where Maurice is. I heard him talking to Horace about getting Karen's bonds before I, uh, passed out.

[Jake] Let's go.

♪

[Guy] Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Guy] (Speaking French)

♪

[Jake] Well, well, well. Looks like you've been stood up.

Trust me. I've been there.

[Karen] That doesn't surprise me at all. What do you want?

[Jake] Well, I can tell you it isn't your bearer bonds.

[Karen] Huh, if it's me you're after, I am way, way out of your league.

[Jake] Oh!

[Leslie] Hands up.

(Excited bar chatter)

[Leslie/Karen] (Grunts)

[Leslie] Welcome to Canada.

[Karen] I was born here.

[Jake] That was very interesting.

[Guy] Indeed.

[Leslie] What a cliche.

[Karen] Totally.

[Jake/Guy] What?

[Karen] Let go.

(Duffle bag unzipping)

[Guy] Nice moves. Nice.

[Jake] What's this?

[Leslie] Tourist pamphlets?

[Karen] That's not possible.

[Mal] Where's the bearer bonds?

(Phone ringing)

[Guy] He b*at us here. Maurice!

[Jake] Hello?

[Maurice] Did you get my present, Doyle? You should really come and spend a weekend, you know? The rum is to die for.

[Jake] How'd you do it? How did you steal the bonds?

[Maurice] Oh, that little gem.

Well that was simple. You were so willing to believe that I would want to make amends with a niece like Karen that you didn't see what was going on. I stole her bonds ages ago. I did need your help to find out where Karen was staying, but our trip to the bar had another motive. I needed Horace's services. I knew he was unhappy with Karen so I persuaded him to flip to my cause. He'd be almost as helpful as you were.

[Jake] It's been a long time.

[Maurice] I knew you'd find Karen, but that you'd create a distraction that would allow me to grab the bonds. However, my luck wouldn't hold. Karen and Guy caught up to me.

[Jake] (Grunting)

[Maurice] I was barely able to hide the bonds before the police nabbed me. Then Horace picked the back-pack up, and I rendezvoused with him courtesy of your friend Guy.

[Jake] That sounds like a perfect little crime.

[Maurice] Oh it was Doyle.

Thanks to you.

♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪

[Maurice] Alright, let's get off this island.

[Jake] Yeah, there's gonna be a slight delay. Maybe 15, 20 years, possibly less if you exhibit signs of good behaviour.

[Maurice] You arse-hole.

How did you figure this out?

[Jake] Well, it was kind of easy.

[Maurice] Here, look.

[Jake] I had a theory that was confirmed that you were recruiting Horace at the bar.

Then I noticed you'd taken a back-pack from the helicopter hangar. I just didn't know what was in it.

[Jake] Just gimme that!

[Jake] However at the dealership, I noticed you'd stashed the back-pack somewhere.

Then my theory was reinforced when you told your little folk tale earlier. You didn't mention Horace or the back-pack being at the dealership. And then Rose, she checked all the exit routes off the island. It was right under our nose. You were going to use Karen's own helicopter to get out of here. I guess that's why you brought me here earlier.

You needed to find a place to take off in this thing.

[Maurice] Yeah. Cards well played, sir.

(Police siren)

[Maurice] But this-- This ain't over. Not quite.

I-- I just have to go away and-- and-- and think about it a little bit.

[Maurice] Hey boys. Come on.

(Door opening)

[Des] (Clears throat)

[Tinny] What's your problem?

[Des] I'm sorry, you know, about earlier. I-- I should have asked you out properly. Proper.

[Tinny] I would have said no, Des.

[Des] Okay. Well, you didn't let me finish, 'cause I was gonna say, um, I didn't ask you out because I don't, like, "like" you.

[Tinny] Good.

I don't like, "like" you either.

[Des] Good.

[Tinny] Good.

[Des] (Sigh)

[Mal] Cheers.

[Jake] I earned this.

[Walter] Okay Jake, can I talk to you?

Oh really? Seriously?

The silent treatment?

What are we, 10?!

Okay, great. Great.

Stay silent after this.

(Bang)

[Mal] Enough!

You're not in grade school anymore. Hash it out.

(Bar chatter)

[Walter] You slept with my sister first.

[Jake] Yeah, but when you found out you--
You punched me in the face. Remember?

[Jake] Alright, b'y, look. Fine.

Okay? It's fine. Kathleen's a big girl. She can take care of herself.

[Walter] Good.

[Kathleen] Hey. I'm going out with Walter, Jake. So if you don't like it, too bad.

[Jake] Uh, I don't care.

[Walter/Kathleen] (Kissing)

[Jake] That is just gross, alright? So knock it off.

[Kathleen] Okay, come on. We're gonna be late.

[Jake] That is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.

♪

[Jake] You look nice.

Big night?

[Leslie] Yeah. Dinner.

Oh yeah? You, uh, you got a hot date or...
[Leslie] - Depends on what you consider hot. It's with Guy.

[Jake] Well I don't consider that hot, actually.

[Leslie] I'm only joking. The only dinner plans I have is with my sister who's in town.

[Jake] Ah!

(Relieved laugh)

I didn't know you had a sister.

You, uh, you two, are you, eh, close?

[Leslie] Don't even think about it.

[Jake] It's funny because I thought I sensed some chemistry between you and, uh, Guy.

[Leslie] He's not all that.

[Jake] Come on. You know I don't speak French. What does that mean?

♪