01x07 - Big Time Mansion

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪

Carlito's.

He's attempting to ***
the underwater farts world record.

But he's too far down.

Underwater farts are impossible to achieve at water pressure in excess of 4.2 pounds per square inch.

What?

It's basic fartology.

So how do we know when it's coming?

I'm not sure.

Whoo!

Did you get that on video?

[electricity zapping]

Should it be smoking like this?

Man!

Oh, man.

♪ Make it count, play it straight ♪
♪ don't look back, don't hesitate ♪
♪ where you go big time ♪
♪ what you know, what you feel ♪
♪ never quitin', make it real ♪
♪ when you're going big time ♪
♪ oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ hey, hey listen to your heart now ♪
♪ hey, hey don't you feel the rush ♪

# oh-oh, oh-oh #

# hey, hey #

♪ go and shake it up ♪
♪ whatcha gotta lose ♪
♪ go and make your luck ♪
♪ with the life you choose ♪
♪ if you want it all, lay it on the line ♪
♪ it's the only life you got so you got to live it ♪
♪ big time ♪

# All: I wanna be famous. #

# Famous. #

♪ You want to be the one who's living the life. ♪

And cut!

It sounded great, right?

No.

Green day sounds great.

You guys didn't make me want to vomit.

Oh, Gustavo!

Come on!

[muffled shouting]

[mouthing words]

Why can't you tell them they sound good?

Or thank them for all their hard work?

Showing thanks is a sign of weakness.

And besides, you don't hear them thanking me.

Gustavo.

We just wanted to thank you.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you so much.

So much fun.

It's been a blast.

I just wanted to say...

You guys are... done for the day.

Kelly and I are off to north Carolina.

Ooh, can you bring us back a tar heel?

Ooh, I'm thinking about bringing back a hot new band, that I can replace you with when you inevitably fail me.

All: Replace us?

Gustavo!

Stop!

You can't be serious.

You can't...

You're not gonna replace us, not after you see my new head sh*ts.

One hot young doctor, one hot greasy mechanic.

Ooh, ooh.

Ooh, I'll put these with the others.

[yelps]

Kelly, who'd you get to house-sit my mansion?

Oh, you said that you would take care of that.

There is no way I would have ever said

[recorder beeps] Kelly, I'll find someone to house-sit my mansion.

[groans]

I record everything now.

You can play your blame game later.

Meanwhile, who's gonna dust my 100-inch plasma, feed my exotic pets, and make sure my $1 million media room stays set at 68 degrees?

All: We'll mansion-sit for you.

Oh, you want me to let the monkeys mansion-sit?

Yeah, I thought we were dogs.

You're monkey dogs.

And the answer is no.

Can I see you in your office, please?

Mm.

I think you should let the guys house-sit.

It would be a great way to thank them for all of their hard work.

It's "mansion-sit", and the answer is still no.

Get freight train to do it.

Do you remember what happened the last time freight train watched the mansion?

[lively piano music]

[statue shattering]

Good point.

Our flight leaves in 49 minutes.

You need a house sitter now.

Get them in here.

[all yelling]

What's up?

Hey, man. We were just...

We were just hanging out.

There are five mansion-sitting rules at Casa Gustavo.

One, stay out of my media room.

[chime dings]

Two, do not open my living room fridge.

[chime dings]

Three, keep the butts off my $40,000 Federico Benini couch.

[whip cracks]

Four, do not touch my Peruvian hairless cat, Monty.

Ooh, I love cats.

Don't touch him!

I don't even like cats.

And five, if anything... anything... is broken in my mansion, you are all fired!

Are we clear?

All: Yes!

[cheering and laughing]

No.

Mom, just one night.

You're too young.

[scoffs] I'm not too young. I'm 16.

Together, we're 64. That's older than you.

I mean, that is older than you, isn't it?

Eat.

Okay.

Mom.

It's time you stopped treating me like a child.

And... it's also time you stop feeding me dinosaur-shaped chicken.

You love your dinosaur chicken.

Yeah, when I was eight.

Yeah, we are men now, Mrs. Knight.

[all roaring]

[sighs]

Mom.

It's time.

I want hourly updates.

Yes!

[all cheering]

You knocked over my chocolate milk.

[gnaws loudly]

[yelling]

Whoa!

[yelling]

I'll be in charge.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Dude!

Okay, I set my phone number in all your speed dials.

Just dial "m" for "mommy."

Mom.

And I brought your jammies for you.

[groans] Mom.

Okay.

Have fun.

Katie, you're not staying. Get out of the duffel bag.

[zipper unzipping]

Fine.

Sorry, Katie.

See you.

[all yelling and cheering]

[classical piano music]

A helmet rack! Oh!

No, no, no, no, no!

Look, we promised that we would do this in a responsible manner.

Now, we have 64 years of experience between us in...

Who am I kidding?

I'll race you to the media room!

[cheering]

All: # Do you want to be famous? #

♪ Famous ♪

All: # Want to be the one who's living the life? #

That was great.

Yeah.

And now to break their spirits.

Windmills, that was amazing... Ly average.

Oh, w-well how can we make it better, Mr. Rocque, sir?

I'll tell you how you can...

I'm sorry. Did you call me sir?

Yes, sir.

We have total respect for your judgment.

Do you believe this?

They sing amazing.

They respect me.

And I am so not missing Kendall and his pack of monkey dogs right now.

Now watch the birdie, boys.

Miss it! Miss it!

Yeah! Oh!

God!

This is totally awesome, the four of us kicking back in a mansion.

Where we've broken rule number one by entering the media room, but it stops here, right?

All: Right.

Why do you think Gustavo locks his fridge?

I bet he keeps his heart in there.

Or his victims.

Or food.

Well, only one way to find out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you crazy?

Don't you remember mansion-sitting rule number two?

Rule number two, help yourselves to anything you want in my living room fridge.

That was not it.

All: Yes, it was.

Step aside, boys.

My uncle was a locksmith.

You just place your hands between the cylinder and the central housing, and then hit it with the sledgehammer!

[screams]

[angelic vocalizing]

[triumphant music]

All: Pudding!

[all shouting]

Look at him. He's ten here.

He still needed me to wipe his nose.

Ooh, he's two there.

Needed me to wipe everything.

Okay, I get it.

There was a lot of wiping.

Can we stop now, mom?

I'm sorry.

I'm not used to this empty nest thing.

Hello? I'm right here.

Please, you haven't needed me since you learned to win at five card stud.

Maybe it's just time for me to find a nice ice floe somewhere, and float out to sea.

Ohh!

Katie, what's wrong, honey?

My tummy hurts.

I should take your temperature.

Mom, can you get me a blanket?

Ooh, 103.

Stomach flu.

Don't you worry.

Mommy's gonna take good care of her little princess.

Maybe... ohh...

Some online poker will settle my stomach.

I was thinking ginger ale.

But anything for my little baby.

[laughter]

And to think, Gustavo didn't trust us.

Ooh.

[screaming]

Gustavo's $40,000 couch!

Get your butts off his couch was rule number three.

No, it wasn't.

Rule number three, keep your butts off my
$40,000 Federico Benini couch.

Okay, maybe it was.

Gustavo's gonna k*ll us.

And we're only 64 years old.

Which means we are more than capable of removing a pudding stain from a couch.

Logan brain now.

Right, okay, um...

Gustavo has a cat, right?

And cat litter's main ingredient is bentonite, which as we all know, is a natural absorbent.

Carlos, get the cat litter.

James, open the door to air out the smell.

Move!

Okay.

There, now we just relax and wait.

[cat meows]

[screaming]

Whoa, what is that thing?

Oh, it must be his cat.

That's cat?

J- just get him off before he...

All: Marks his territory.

Get him off the couch.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

[cat yowls]

Uh-oh.

There goes rule number four.

[thumping club music]

Disco ball!

[screams]

Rule number five!

If we break anything, we're fired!

Everybody, just calm down.

All we got to do is get the stain off the couch, Find the cat, and raise the disco ball.

We can do this together.

All right.

All right.

[cheering]

[alarms blaring]

I can't find the cat at all.

I think I broke the statue.

[extinguisher hissing]

Well, the good news is, this can't get any worse, right?

[Carlos screaming]

The alligator's loose!

The alligator's loose!

Wait, is there a...

Why is there an alligator?

Get him! Get him!

♪ it's the only life you got so you got to live it big time ♪

How did an alligator get in here?

I opened the back door to let the smoke out, and it crawled in from Gustavo's moat.

Both: His moat?

Nice alligator.

Follow the meat.

That's it. Close the door. Close the door.

Close the door!

Whoo!

[cheering]

[sighs]

Now just to find Gustavo's freaky bald cat So Gustavo doesn't k*ll us.

Call the FBI.

For a missing cat?

The FBI only works with serious crimes.

Oh, that explains a lot.

FBI, help!

My hair is limp and lifeless.

[dial tone hums] Hello?

Hello?

I know one of you used all my cuda massive hold.

Focus.

Now, there's only three possible places the cat could be hiding.

One, he's roaming the neighborhood.

Two, he's hiding up a tree.

[alligator burps]

And that would be three.

[groans]

All: # Do you want to be famous? #

♪ Famous. ♪

All: # Want to be the one who's getting the b*at right? #

Unbelievable.

I asked them to shave three seconds off the song, and they did.

And you think that they're Gustavo Rocque-star material?

Who cares?

They do everything I say.

Boys, sing the last note in the key of "g."

All: # Ah #

Now do it in Tibetan throat singing.

[all humming hoarsely]

Now go get me a pulled pork sandwich.

All: Yes, sir, Mr. Rocque.

[door slams]

Oh, I love these guys.

I don't even eat pulled pork.

What about Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan?

Who?

Big time rush?

The guys house-sitting your mansion?

Oh, you mean the monkey dogs that fight me on everything I say?

Well, let's just hope those boys don't give me a reason to dump them, because I know of three windmills that'll be blowing them back to Minnesoty.

Meow!

You can't shave a cat.

Oh?

Would you rather tell Gustavo we lost his and you know, have him replace us and destroy my dreams?

Where did you get the cat?

I've got a guy.

Quiet.

Hold him down steady.

Oh, I can't look.

Would you chill?

How hard can it be to shave a cat?

[clipper buzzes]

[fabric ripping]

Oh, not the chair!

Oh, no! Not the silk drapes!

[can hissing]

[cat yowls]

Where did it learn to spray paint?

We're doomed.

Who wants steam?

[machine huffing]

[coughing]

Mom, I don't need steam.

That cough says you do.

[coughs]

[grunts]

What's with the blankets?

I ordered extra from housekeeping.

I don't want you getting chilly tonight.

[vibrant rock music]

Well, I'm definitely not chilly.

[classical orchestral music]

You guys are great.

Uh, Mr. Rocque, sir?

Are you okay?

Do you not like that we're all classically trained?

'cause we can classically untrain ourselves.

I'm great. It's all great.

Everything is great.

Would you like us to get you a multivitamin?

No!

What's the problem?

I'll tell you what the problem is.

They do everything I say when I say it, and I can't stand it.

You know what I think.

I think you miss your boys...

Or your monkey dogs or your boy monkeys.

Miss them? Me miss them?

Ha! Ha-ha!

You thrive on the chaos.

They argue with you. They get in your face.

They raise your blood pressure.

And you like it.

You need it.

Wrong!

Okay, not wrong.

But I can't abandon the windmills.

I'm their hero.

And it's not like there's record producers waiting outside the door ready to sign them.

[yelling]

Hey!

What's up, Gustavo?

Okay, they're all yours.

[all yelling frantically]

Mmm.

Extra strength nyquip with real artificial cherry flavor.

No, that's okay.

Wow, that's a big spoon.

Come on. Take your medicine.

Mm, really, no...

Come on. Open up.

No, that's okay.

Wait, I... take your medicine.

I don't have a fever, mom.

I dipped the thermometer in your tea so you'd think I have a fever.

But you're warm.

'Cause you mummified me.

Look, you were so mopey over Kendall growing up that I decided to let you baby me.

Oh, so you're not really sick.

You were faking for me?

Are you mad?

[spoon clatters]

No.

I just need to face the fact that you kids are growing up.

In fact, I'm gonna call your brother right now and tell him that I'm not gonna check up on him.

No.

I'm sure they're doing a great job watching Gustavo's house.

Oh, we are horrible mansion-sitters.

[phone rings]
Oh.

Oh, good news.

Gustavo and Kelly are coming back early.

Oh! Okay, don't worry. I can fix this.

Yes!

I knew the smart one would come through.

What do you got?

There's a 4:00 A.M. flight to Bolivia.

We get there, change our names, raise alpacas.

Yeah, I have a better idea.

You're gonna call a cleaning service.

A statue repairman.

And one of those places that gets the cats out of the alligators.

Ooh.

All of the above.

[victorious fanfare]

Hey, mom, here's the sitch.

Zip it.

I'm gonna need three liters of club soda, a sewing Kit, a bucket of vinegar, bleach, and get on the phone and find a place that delivers super-turbo bonding glue and semigloss white paint.

All: Got it.

Wait, what about Gustavo's cat?

[victorious fanfare]

Ooh.

[box rattles]

[cat meows]

That's him!

All right!

Where were you?

That's a cat?

Meow!

What are you all staring at? We're gonna be here all night.

Go! Go, go, go!

That's right. Move it.

You too! Go!

♪ Rolling past graffitied walls, ♪
♪ billboards lighting up the bars, ♪

# every one of us on a mission. #

# Oh, yeah. #

♪ Because the night is young, ♪
♪ the line is out the doors, ♪
♪ today was crazy, ♪
♪ but tonight the city is ours, ♪
♪ live it up until the morning comes. ♪
♪ Today was crazy, ♪
♪ but tonight the city is ours. ♪

Let's review what you're gonna say to the boys.

[sighs] I like you, and thank you for all the hard work.

Good.

I'm very proud of you.

Unless they touched anything in my mansion.

Then it's, "I hate you! And you're dead! You hear me? Dead!"

All right.

Looking good, guys.

And that glue will be dry in ten, nine...

Bigfoot's on the campground.

Repeat, bigfoot's on the campground.

Mom.

Five seconds and the bond will hold.

He's coming up the steps!

[keys jingling]

Three, two, one, let's roll.

Mom.

Thanks.

Come on.

Oh, look who's here.

It's Gustavo and Kelly.

We slept here 'cause we didn't want to touch anything.

Yeah. We're not just pretending.

Ow!

Silence!

Monty?

[cat meows]

Hey, little guy.

Hairless cat.

So cute.

We'd love to stay and chat, but we got to get out of here.

Thank you so much.

Stop.

There's something I need to say.

Well, you can say something tomorrow, so...

Yeah!

See you at the studio!

Guys?

This is important.

We've been working together for a month now.

And I just wanted to say, although we've had our ups and downs, the truth is, I luh...

I luh...

I like you.

[statue cracks]

[marble shattering]

And we like you too.

Run!

[yelling]

[groans]

Here. Have a cat.

Thanks for the break. See you.

Aspirin. Aspirin.

I need aspirin.

Oh, and by the way, you might not want to go in the bathroom.

[screaming] Alligator!

[alligator growls]

[yelling]

Easy, boy. Easy, boy!

Uh oh.

[ both ] We got him!

♪ When the chips are down, ♪
♪ back against the wall, ♪
♪ got no more to give, ♪
♪ 'cause we gave it all, ♪
♪ seems like going the distance, ♪
♪ is unrealistic, ♪
♪ But we are too far from the start, ♪
♪ so we take what comes, we keep on going♪
♪ leaning on each others shoulders, ♪
♪ then we turn around, ♪
♪ and see we've come so far somehow. ♪
♪ We're halfway there, ♪
♪ We're looking good now, ♪
♪ nothing's gonna get in the way. ♪
♪ We're halfway there, ♪
♪ ain't looking back now, ♪
♪ I never thought that I'd ever say. ♪

# We're halfway there, #
# We're halfway there, #
# We're halfway there, #
# We're halfway there, #