02X07 - Helen Back Again

[bunniefuu]

It is a cool bike.

I know. I got three other guys dying to buy it.

Four hundred.

Four hun... uhhh...

Ah geez...

Later.

Tori, Tori, c'mere...

What?

I told you I'm not gonna shave the back of your neck.

I know.

Sinjin is selling this bike.

Oh. Cool bike.

Right.

Okay, so, if this were my bike, would it make you wanna date me?

No.

But 's's a really cool bike.

I'm growing impatient.

Okay, I'll take it.

It is hairy.

Hello. Your attention, please.

Up here. I'm waving.

See my hand, moving to and fro?...Please!

Everybody shut up!!!

Ah Jade, so sweet and feminine.

And now, I give you a man who needs no introduction.

He was born beside a River in Kentucky, way back in nineteen...

Sikowitz, gimme the mic.

Principal Eikner.

Students and faculty.

It's with a heaving heart that I tell you...

That as of today...

I'm resigning as principal of Hollywood arts.

Okay, now shhhh... Please hold your murmurs.

It's not that I don't love running this school. I do.

But I've fallen in love with a Tahitian woman, and I want to spend time with her, and her people.

He took her banana.

Three eighty... four hundred.

Thank you Robbie. The bike is yours.

Yay.

Congrats. You're gonna look really snazzy...

What the...

Uh-oh!

Gimme back my money! Sinjin! No... awww!

You, Ahh, shouldn't park your bike there.

What? I shou... ?!

Maybe you should watch where you're going!

Maybe you better watch that mouth.

Excuse me!

But you were the one who came speeding in here like a maniac and...

I blinked my blinker on and told you I was coming...

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Who are you?

My name is Helen.

I'm the new principal of Hollywood arts.

You shouldn't park your bike there.

♪ Here I am once again ♪
♪ if only somebody could hear ♪
♪ when you figure out ♪
♪ how you're lost ♪
♪ in the moment ♪
♪ you disappear ♪
♪ you don't have to be afraid ♪
♪ to put your dream in action ♪
♪ you're never gonna fade ♪
♪ you'lbebe ♪
♪ the main attraction ♪
♪ not a fantasy ♪
♪ just remember me ♪
♪ when it turns out right ♪
♪ 'cause you know ♪
♪ that if you live ♪
♪ in your imagination ♪
♪ tomorrow you'll be ♪
♪ everybody's fascination ♪
♪ in my victory ♪
♪ just remember me ♪
♪ when I make it shine ♪.

All right!

Tori and Jade, you two are going to play husband and wife.

I'll be the wife.

Yeah, no kidding.

Now, here's your brand new synthetically red-headed baby.

Wait, before we start, I was just wondering, I have three question...

Now, your dialogue should all be friendly and happy but your subtext is anger, so you must say your happy lines angrily.

Action.

Hey! I am so honkin' happy that we got married, and then had this cute little baby!

Ditto to that!

I tell ya this: Nothing on this planet warms my cockles more than lookin' at that magical pile a'baby right there!

Goo!

Aw, did ya hear that goo?

Excuse me.

I hate to interrupt but I'm gonna do it anyway.

Hello children. Sikowitz.

Helen.

Well, I'm just stopping by all the classrooms to say hello, y'know, introduce myself personally, y'know, get a feel for the vibe of the school.

Hmm, you see him?

That's the spazzy boy whose bike I ran over.

Heh heh! Spazzy...

So, Helen, maybe you'd like to tell the kids a little bit about your... background.

Oh! Glad to!

As a child I starred in the television program, happy times.

Oh my God!

You were the little girl who always said:
"that is not my job."

Ha ha ha! Yes, yes I was.

And most recently, I was the senior manager at the premiere movie theater in San Diego.

Ugh, is that child suckin' on a binky?

I was just teaching the kids about sub-text, in terms of acting.

Oh! Well, carry on then.

I'll see you all at the re-auditions.

What?

What do you mean re-auditions?

To stay in this school.

Next week, you gotta perform a scene, sing a song, do a dance, bang a drum, tickle a banjo... I don't care.

Just show me some talent.

Y'know... All of us already auditioned.

That's how we got here.

You auditioned for the old principal. Not for me.

Wait, so you mean like...

I sing a song for you, and if you like it, I get to stay at the Hollywood arts...

Mmm-hmm, and if I don't, bye-bye!

Uh, no offense, Helen, but what do you know about singing a song?

♪ Heyyy-ayyy ♪
♪ you need to shut your mouth ♪
♪ open up your eyes and seeeee... ♪
♪ that ya don't know nothin'... ♪
♪ nothin' about meeeeeee ♪.

Who else is frightened by her?

Let's see...

Ah... you could sing Crank the party?

Noooo.

Okay... you wanna sing California midnight?

Noooo. Wait, yes.

Yes?

Nooooo.

C'mon, you sing that pretty good.

Pretty good isn't good enough!

Pretty good means Helen is gonna hate it!

We gotta be pretty rockin' fantastic.

You need some warm cocoa.

Oh! Hey, you know what we could do?

Tell me.

What if we take Make it shine, but we do like a twist on it...

Y'know, like, we could ah...

Hah! Yah! Eeeee-yah!

Nyah! W'chah!

Trina! We are trying to pick a song to audition with.

And I'm trying to practice hurting people.

Hoo-ah!

Shouldn't you be rehearsing for your audition?

Yeah, I'm soooo worried that I won't pass the audition. Like that could happen.

W'cha!

Um, our new principal is really tough.

And I'm really talented.

Eh!

He better put some ice on that.

All right, miss Vega. You ready?

I think the real question is: Are you ready?

Start the audition.

♪ Hey you, what's your face? ♪
♪ get back in line, it's not a race ♪
♪ I am thinkin' man, tell me the dream ♪
♪ I'll show you the plan ♪
♪ you don't know what you got ♪
♪ every time I hit the spot ♪
♪ red stop green go ♪
♪ make up your mind I'm starting the show ♪
♪ oh oh oh, you haven't seen the best of me ♪
♪ oh oh oh, what you get's not what you see ♪
♪ oh oh oh, I'll give you something to believe ♪
♪ you haven't seen the best of me ♪
♪ aaayyyyay aaayay ay, ay ay ♪
♪ aayyay ee yay ay... ♪

and in that moment, he wasn't my big brother anymore.

He was a part of me...

That I had to let go of... forever.

Ohhh. That is powerful. Powerful. Excellent.

And will you just look at that boy's hair? Look at his hair.

Ummm, and then I'm gonna do some juggling, and then I'm gonna sing a song from my favorite musical.

Baby, you got 90 seconds.

But it's a five-minute audition.

Action.

Just marry me.

But I'm supposed to marry somebody else.

You know you don't wanna be with him.

I dunno what I want anymore.

I think you do know.

Why do you always have to complicate my life?

I love you.

Juggling!

Song and dance!

Hurry!

♪ Bright smile, always glows ♪
♪ Pearly whites with a button nose ♪
♪ And I knows, everyone is gonna love me now ♪
♪ A life on the stage is the nail on the head ♪
♪ It's better than fixing a roof ♪
♪ but instead, it's probably packed ♪
♪ and they'll probably sing along ♪
♪ Oh what a girl! What is she singing? This is my song! ♪
♪ I'm the biggest bang with the mostest zing ♪
♪ If you're the hand, I'm the diamond ring ♪
♪ By the way, I'm here for the song and the dance ♪
♪ woo-hoo! ♪
♪ So, give me one, just one, I've already won ♪
♪ All I need is just one chance! ♪.

Huh!

Okay. So, ah, can somee explain baby back ribs to me?

I mean, seriously, when I'm eating ribs, do I really wanna be thinking about a baby's back?

You're bombin' boy.

Will you stop interrupting me? You're kinda k*lling my jokes.

How can I k*ll what's already dead?

I love it!

A boy doin' terrible stand-up comedy and bein' heckled by his own puppet!

Now that's creative!

He he he heee!

No. Ah, this isn't part of my routine.

He's really interrupting me.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

You, the terrible comedian.

Genius! That is good stuff!

Why are you doing that?

Because you're bad.

So, you wrote this movie yourself?

And directed it and starred in it.

Mmm-hmm.

♪ All around the mulberry bush ♪
♪ the monkey chased the weasel ♪
♪ the monkey thought 'twas all in fun... ♪.

You just gonna sing, huh?

I... I don't understand what...

Shhhhhh.

B... but, you're in the bathtub...

Shhhhhh!

Stop it!

Ahhhhhhh!

Pop goes the weasel.

I hate you!

I love you!

I hate you!

I love you!

♪ Shine, shine, shine, shine ♪
♪ here I am once again ♪
♪ I'm feeling lost but now and then ♪
♪ I breathe it in to let it go, go, go ♪
♪ and you don't know where you are now ♪
♪ or what it will come to ♪
♪ if only somebody could hear ♪
♪ when you figure out how you disappear ♪
♪ you don't have to be afraid to put your dream in action ♪
♪ you're never gonna fade ♪
♪ you'll be the main attraction ♪
♪ not a fantasy ♪
♪ just remember me when it turns out right ♪
♪ 'cause you know that if you live in your imagination ♪
♪ tomorrow you'll be everybody's fascination ♪
♪ in my victory ♪
♪ just remember me ♪
♪ when I make it shine ♪
♪ (make it shine) ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ when I make it shine ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ when I make it shine ♪
♪ shine, shine ♪.

Well?

Did you like it?

Next!

So do you feel like you did well?

I think.

I mean, Andre wrote an amazing song, and he said we sounded great together.

And Trina?

Uhh, not so good.

Oh.

I don't get the point of this exercise.

Oh, I got it. Take a break.

It's your school.

Answer it.

Hello?

Yeah, this is she.

Oh! Oh, thank you. She'll be so happy.

That's great news!

Uh-huh.

What? But...

Shhhh! Shh! Shh!

Thank you for calling.

Uhhh!

I told Trina to rehearse for our audition.

I told her that our new principal's really tough, but she just didn't...

Trina passed her audition.

She did?

Then...

You didn't.

I...

They're kicking me out of Hollywood arts?

I am so sorry, baby.

Are you gonna cry?

I dunno.

Do you wanna cry?

I dunno.

You're gonna cry.

I know.

I made it dim...

I mean, I don't get it.

They can't just kick Tori outta school.

Yeah, they can.

Okay, well.

I'm going home now...

Forever.

No.

You're not leaving this school.

She has to.

I mean, I feel really bad about it, seriously, but, y'know...

Bye.

I think I'll miss you least of all.

Wait, what do you mean she's not leavin'?

I mean, we're all gonna talk to Helen about this right now.

Yeah, let's.

Yeah, let's do that.

But what are you guys gonna say?

That if you have to leave Hollywood arts, I'm leaving too.

You'd do that for me?

Nooooooooo, I really love this school.

Well...

I'm gonna go get some gum.

Come on, let's go find Helen.

Yeah, let's go.

Come on.

Helen... find her.

We're gonna get that girl!

You know what? Helen is this way.

No, it's this way.

Where is she?

Hey.

Did you all want something?

We don't think Tori should be kicked out of the school.

Ahhh, Tori?

Vega.

Oh, yeah. Tori Vega.

My notes here say she was kicked out because she's untalented and irritating.

Excuse me, but a lot of people think that I am talented.

You? Oh, you are. And pretty as a Pickle.

Now why are you children asking me about Tori Vega?

I'm Tori Vega.

No, no, no, no.

This is Tori Vega.

Duh duh dunnnn!

No. No, no, no. That's my older sister, Trina Vega.

Ohhhh.

You mixed up the names!

I have personal problems.

I knew it was a mistake.

You get to stay!

Yeah. But wait, wait, wait.

You can't kick trina out of Hollywood arts.

Right, guys?

Oooooh...

I'm sorry, what was the question?

Look, I'm sorry. I'll call Trina myself and give her the new...

No, no, no. Please don't.

I'll tell her.

All right... bye!

Come on!

You guys, I don't wanna be alone when I tell trina she got kicked out of...

And, um, you know, um, sometimes when life hands you lemons...

You, uhhh, you...

Tori.

What?

I know what you're trying to say.

You do?

You're embarrassed that you got kicked out of Hollywood arts.

Ohhhhh...

It's okay.

It doesn't mean that you have zero talent.

Trina... I...

You think this is easy for me?

'Cause it's not.

What's not?

Being the talented one in our family.

That's a lotta pressure.

And you're my baby sister. It hurts me when you fail.

Oh, man.

And listen... If I could just somehow suck some talent out of me and sprinkle it all over you, I swear...

I would consider doing that.

Now... you want me to make you some cream of wheat?

I hate cream of wheat.

Yeah, but I love it.

How can you not love cream of wheat?

Rex.

Look. Helen gets to school at 6:30 every morning.

I'll come up with some reason to get Trina to school right before Helen shows up.

I love cream of wheat.

You're gonna be dressed as a robber, with a ski mask.

I like skiing.

Yeah, yeah...

So when Helen walks into school, you att*ck her.

Why?

'Cause! Trina's taking karate, so when she sees Helen being att*cked, trina'll jump in, b*at you up, and then Helen'll be grateful and let Trina stay at Hollywood arts.

But I hate being beaten.

I always have.

I need you to do this.

No.

Please?

All right.

Tori? It's 6:00 in the morning, I'm at school, and they are not having a free breakfast buffet.

Call me.

Hello? Anybody here?

Anyone seen a breakfast buffet?

Hello?

Andre just texted me from the parking lot!

Helen is on her way in!

I'm afraid.

It's just a b*ating.

Put your thing on!

♪ You don't have to be afraid ♪
♪ to put your dreams in action ♪.

Hey, gimme the bag!

Oh! Oh!

Give me your bag!

May day! May day!

Help me!

Get away from her!

Oh, Jesus!

Hold him still so I can whack him!

Hey! Hey, what's goin' on?! Hey!

What happened?!

Oh, this...

This hooligan came and tried to bushwhack me!

Ohhhh wow!

I mean what are the odds of a masked robber...

Then I... going, going, going.

Man... it was a good thing that Trina was here to protect you.

Oh! Heck yeah. Thank you, baby. I owe ya one.

Yeah. Like...

Maybe you wanna reconsider a decision you made about someone being kicked out of Hollywood arts?

Oh.

Mmm-hmm, you right.

Trina, you can...

So I can keep going to school here?

You? Yeah, I thought you were gonna tell Trina she...

Yay, we both get to stay at Hollywood arts!

C'mon Trina, let's go get some cream of wheat!

I thought you hated cream of wheat.

But now I love it! This way...

And I thought crazy Steve was crazy.

All right, better call the police to come get...

All right then.