04X02 - The Hambone King

[bunniefuu]

Mm. Man, Robbie is loving all that attention.

I know, right?

I bet he does his signature "flirt" move.

Flirt move?

Yeah, you know. The giggle chin.

It's where he giggles, and then he puts his fist up to his chin.

I don't think I've ever seen Robbie do any...

[ Giggling ]

All right.

Ah. Yes.

Well played.

Giggle chin.

Ooh, sunflower seeds.

I guess I'm sharing today.

Hey, why are all those kids paying attention to Robbie?

They love the video he posted on The Slap.

What video did he post on the...

Hi!

Don't worry, there's nothing wrong with me.

I'm doing this on purpose.

To-do!

It's "ta-da".

Ta-da!

Why are you tap dancing?

Because I'm auditioning for a new musical, and I have to tap dance.

Oh.

Hey, people are talking to Robbie, that's so weird.

Yeah, they're all excited about his video on The Slap.

What is this video?

Show her.

All right...

And I can also do it with this fist...

Uh. What'd he call the video again?

The Hambone King.

Hambone?

Did you say The Hambone King?

Yeah, wait 'til you see this.

What's Hambone mean?

Who cares?

Look...

Um... Ahem.

That's so fun!

Yeah, must take a lotta practice.

Well, what else is Robbie gonna do?

I uh...

I gotta get to Sikowitz's class.

We don't have Sikowitz today.

It's a different Sikowitz!

What's her deal?

Not sure.

Ya know my problem with these sunflower seeds?

So, first you're gonna steal my seeds, and now you're gonna criticize?

Yes. It's too much trouble to open 'em.

I'll open 'em!

Um, Cat...

What?

Baby...

Nobody wants to eat sunflower seeds that have been tap danced on the floor.

Ooh! Pre-cracked sunflower seeds.

Don't mind if I do.

This man is nuts.

[ Laughs ]

Here I am once again.

Feeling lost but now and then.

I breathe it in to let it go.

And you don't know where you are now.

And what it will come to if only somebody could hear.

When you figure out how.

You're lost in the moment.

You disappear.

You don't have to be afraid to put your dream in action.

You'll never gonna fade.

You'll be the main attraction.

Not a fantasy.

Just remember me.

When it turns out right.

Because you know that if you live in your imagination.

Tomorrow you'll be everybody's fascination.

In my victory.

Just remember me.

When I make it shine.

Okay, so tell me...

How do girls put on skirts?

Do you do it one leg at a time, like pants? Or do you just jump right in?

One leg at a time.

I jump right in!

Excuse me, Robbie Shapiro.

Yes?

This is for you.

It's a special Tempura ice cream dessert, just for Robbie.

It's free.

Ooh, can I have one?

No.

So good. But why the free dessert?

Because you are The Hambone King.

Oh. You saw my video?

Yes, on The Slap dot com. You Hambone like a champion.

Aw.

Kwakoo, don't be shy.

Come over here.

Kwakoo, just ask him.

Mister Hambone King...?

Oh.

May I have your autograph?

That's so cute.

Sure ya can, Kwakoo.

Here you go.

Bye bye...

Hambone King.

I'm gonna go to the restroom.

Hm, I wonder why it's called a restroom.

Yeah. It's not like people take naps on toilets.

My grandma does.

So does my brother! Up top!

Oh, hey, what's up, boy and girl?

Oh, hey.

He noticed our genders.

Wanna come sit with us?

No.

Hey. Robbie Shapiro?

Yeah?

That's my dessert. What are you...

You order that?

Now your dessert's on the wall.

What was that for?

Because you're a liar. You've been going around calling yourself The Hambone King.

He's The Hambone King.

Me.

Him.

Not you.

Him.

Looks like Robbie's got some trouble.

Yeah.

Do you wanna split some soup?

Haven't you guys seen Robbie's Hambone video?

Yeah, we've seen it.

Made me sick.

Jarold could Hambone better than you when he was nine years old.

Wait, who's Jarold?

I am!

He is.

All day.

My brother drinks milk all day.

And he's allergic to dairy, so...

Not good.

Listen fellas, I don't want any trouble.

Well, you got it.

Outside. You and me.

I'm not gonna go out into the night with the two of you.

Then I guess you need to be convinced.

Give his girl a tornado.

What's a tornado?

Ewe, that was so weird!

Okay first of all, she's not my girl!

Unless you wanna be.

I'm good.

You better come outside, or else he's gonna give her another one.

Let's take this outside.

Andre, Jade! Robbie went outside alone with those two boys...

Don't worry, we got his back, come on.

Dude...

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight...

Ho hold up, hold up, hold up!

If you boys wanna fight Robbie, you gotta fight me, too.

Um, would it be okay if they fought just you? Because...

Hey, idiots.

Yes? 'Sup?

My boy here don't wanna fight Shapiro.

Then uh, how come we're not all back in there eating Sushi?

Because we're about to have ourselves a Hambone off.

My third grade teacher's name was Mister Bonoff.

He d*ed.

Come on, let's Hambone!

Yeah! Woo!

Jade...

Bring me that crate.

Cat, bring him that crate.

Kay kay.

Where's Tori?

Maybe she's in the restroom napping.

All right! Standard international Hambone rules apply.

Call it.

Quarter.

Yeah, we know it's a quarter!

Heads or tails?!

Who can tell? It was flipping through the air so fast!

He calls heads.

Yay, heads!

It's tails. Jarold goes first.

Come on Jarold, you can take him...

Yeah, yeah, come on...

Ready...

Hambone!

Woo!

Oh...

All right. Yeah!

Come on Robbie!

Woo! Yeah!

Go Robbie!

Jarold, you can take him.

Woo!

Whoa!

Come on Robbie!

You're doing it!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh yeah! Oh yeah, baby.

Jarold wins!

Again!

The real...

Yeah!

Hambone King.

Boof!

Come on Rob. Let's go back inside.

No.

Robbie, come on.

Yeah, we'll get you some ice for your uh...

Injuries.

No, just...

Just leave me here on the dirty ground where I belong.

Okay.

[ Music ]

Hey.

Who's there?

A friend.

I know how you feel.

Sure. What do you know about Hamboning?

Too much.

[ Music ]

[ Music ]

Robbie...

Come on, man, it's...

Come on, Rob, it's not so bad...

Okay, big deal, you lost a Hambone competition.

But it's over. And it's not like the whole world saw it.

Uh-huh! It's all over the Internet.

How'd it get on the Internet?!

I might've uploaded it.

Why do you guys need slippers?

Grab the Cat.

Yep.

Yay, I'm a kite!

Enjoy.

Now you can tap 'til your feet fall off.

[ Doorbell ]

Just open it!

Hey.

Why are you here?

Andre texted me and said Robbie got hurt, so I brought a watermelon.

Why?

Robbie loves watermelons.

Wa wa.

Okay...

Somebody turn on the TV.

I'll do it but only because I want to.

What's this about?

Just watch.

Oh darn, looks like there's no place for me to sit.

Oh, well.

Aw, that little girl looks just like Tori.

That little girl is Tori.

Seven years ago.

For real? No way.

That's gross.

Wow, you're really good.

That's some top-notch Hamboning.

We were top-notch.

Who was the little boy?

Jarold.

Jarold Ardbeg.

The mean kid who out-Hamboned Robbie tonight!

Oh.

That pre-turd?

His name is Jarold Ardbeg?

We were the best boy-girl Hambone team in the Western United States.

We were supposed to compete in the nationals.

Do I have to hear this story again?

Shh.

Go on.

Jarold was jealous of me because everyone knew that I was better at Hamboning than he was.

It drove him crazy.

He started being really mean to me.

He even wazzed in my Yello Kitty purse.

And then one day I...

What happened?

I...

I...

I caught him hamming with Suzy MacAllan.

Oh.

All right...

All right, wait a second here.

If you're better than Jarold...

Then let's challenge him to a Hambone-off.

You can avenge my defeat!

You don't have to.

Yeah, it's perfect.

Oh, no... No, no, I can't.

I haven't Hamboned in years, but Jarold has never stopped.

It's his whole life!

I could never b*at him now.

Then train me.

Train me to Hambone better than Jarold Ardbeg.

How bad do you want this?

Like, on a scale of one to ten?

Maybe eight? Eight-and-a-half?

Then I'll do it.

Oh, oh! Yea!

[ Music ]

Okay Robbie. Your rhythm's a little loose. So we gotta tighten that up.

Gotta tighten your rhythm.

Okay.

Now...

You and I are gonna do the Hambone routine I taught you yesterday, but...

We're gonna do it to the rhythm of Cat's tap dancing.

Five six seven eight!

Good! Good!

Let's keep it going!

Nice!

Why'd you stop?

I... I need to get some air.

There's air in here.

I don't want your air!

What's wrong with my air?

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

What's the matter with you?

I'm afraid!

Alright, you wanna hear me say it?! You wanna break me down?!

I'm afraid I'm gonna lose to Jarold again and humiliate myself.

You can b*at him if you want it bad enough.

Who are we kidding?! He's the best Hamboner in the country!

What am I?

What do you wanna be? A coward?

Or do you wanna be The Hambone King again?

I never was The Hambone King! Don't you get it?!

I was a fake! A joke!

I'm not even worthy of eating ham from a bone!

Huh?

Forget it.

What's the point of this? What's the point of anything?

I mean, this whole conversation, it just sounds like bad writing.

So you wanna quit?!

You wanna just walk away from a challenge because you're too scared and nerdy?

Nerdy?

I'm sorry, that just slipped out.

You have to try.

You have to do your best. And then if you lose at least, you'll know that you gave Hamboning everything you've got.

If I do try my best...

Do you think I have a sh*t at out-Hamboning Jarold Ardbeg?

I think you can be anything you wanna be.

Even your boyfriend?

Oh God no.

So...?

Let's Hambone.

[ Music ]

Now, switch!

Nice.

Use those wrists.

Yes!

Oh.

Slap it like you mean it!

Yes.

And stop!

You're ready.

He's ready.

I'm ready.

Thanks.

When he become a world famous Hambone man...

You talk about my restaurant when you go on the Jimmy Fallen show.

Hey...

Looks like Shapiro ain't gonna show up.

Yeah, well, I say hey! Robbie'll be here!

You can count on that.

You really think he's coming?

I have no idea.

Well, he's late, and me and the King gotta catch...

[ Cheering ]

Hey, idiots...

You wanna talk or Hambone?!

Tori Vega.

What up, Jarold? Still mad about me and Suzy MacAllan?

You still pick your nose and eat it?

Don't waste your breath on her, King.

Oh, hi Merl. I see you're still sniff in' Jarold's butt.

Hey, that was a dare!

Oh.

Easy blondie, easy...

This Hambone battle is really scary.

We're about to watch two nerds compete by slapping themselves.

I think we'll be okay.

Jarold can go first.

All right. It's on!

Like a game of Mah Jongg!

Please, let me do the cool talk.

Good luck, Robbie!

Ready?!

I'm certainly ready!

Bring it!

Hambone!

Woo! Yeah. Oh...

Oh...

Yes!

Yeah.

Jarold! Woo!

Oh!

Look at Robbie work!

He's doing great! He's gonna take him!

Yeah! Woo! Robbie! Come on!

Woo!

Oh!

Oh yeah! Yeah baby!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Wait! Wait a second...

You threw this Sushi at him.

Did not.

Did too! You threw it and messed up his rhythm!

I... I can go again.

No way, it's over.

You cheated.

Still a sore loser, Vega?

So uh, any of you other pre-turds wanna take on The Hambone King?

Hey!

I'll take on the Hambone "King".

Wait, Tori, you haven't Hamboned in seven years.

Well, now I have a reason.

Call it.

Hambone!

Go Tori!

Oh...

Yea Tori!

Come on yeah!

Tori!

Come on, you're up.

Oh dang! Wait, wait, wait...

Misbone! He misboned!

The new Hambone King...

Queen!

Queen!

Hey, hey, hey!

What? What!?

Blow back!

And I think you're swell...

I think you're swell...

And I think you're swell...

How bad do you want this?