04x12 - Three Musketeers
Posted: 10/18/23 09:55
♪ Here we are ♪
♪ Face to face ♪
♪ A couple
Of silver spoons ♪
♪ Hopin' to find ♪
♪ We're two of a kind ♪
♪ Makin' a go ♪
♪ Makin' it grow ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find
Our way ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ Takin' the time
Each day ♪
♪ To learn all about ♪
♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪
♪ Two silver spoons
Together ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ We're gonna find
Our way ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find
Our way ♪
♪ You and I together ♪
Come on, guys,
what's taking so long?
RICKY:
These costumes you made
for us don't look right.
Whatever the problem is,
I'm sure we can fix it.
All right, so it needs
a little...something.
We're supposed to be
the Three Musketeers.
We look like
Larry, Moe, and Curly.
[BONK]
Nyah, nyah, nyah...
You didn't believe me
when I said I couldn't sew.
Okay, now we believe you.
The hats look great.
That's because
you didn't touch them.
Let me see what
I can do. Come on.
Why don't I just
wear the French flag?
It can't fit
any worse.
Let's see
what we can do.
Hey, look at the sign!
This is real neato.
Oops. Do you
have any tape?
It's in the kitchen,
in the drawer by the sink.
Wait a minute.
Why is my name last?
Stratton, Spears,
Lippincottleman.
It's in reverse
alphabetical order.
Oh, okay.
Boy, I hope
this play works.
I thought
it wasn't for a grade.
It's for something more
important than grades.
You see,
the drama club can be
a crucial
extracurricular activity.
It can help get you
into college,
it can build
self-esteem,
and it can
get you women.
At least, it's for
a worthy cause.
You don't know
how worthy.
It's our only chance
to get into the drama club.
If we do that,
we get a sh*t at all
the beautiful actress types.
That's what I like
about you, Rick.
You dream big.
[OBJECTS SHATTER IN KITCHEN]
Doesn't it
make you nervous
that we're asking
Freddy to walk
and hold a sharp object
at the same time?
He's one of
our best friends.
This is important to him.
That's right. That's why
you're the Three Musketeers.
All for one,
and one for all. Right?
Right.
Right.
I-I-I found it.
Hello, everybody.
KATE:
Oh, hi, hon.
Oh, what a mess.
Ohh.
Heavy traffic?
Heavy, heh? Let me put it
to you this way.
Me and the guys in the cars
on either side of me
are planning a reunion
in years.
[CHUCKLES]
You'll like them.
Dad, can you show us
how to do the thing now?
What thing?
The thing,
with the sword.
Ah, the sword thing.
Sure. Why not?
I'm rested now.
Okay. Let's see now.
First, to do
the sword thing,
you have to know
a little French, you know?
En garde.
You could also
say that in English.
On guard.
The sword thing.
Ready?
Everybody watching?
Here we go.
[SWORD SWISHES]
[GRUNTS]
[EXCLAIMS]
All right.
Hah!
The Thing.
Who wants to try now?
Me! Let me!
Let me!
I can't look.
All right, Freddy.
Bend it down about so far.
All right?
When it pops up,
you catch it
by the hilt. Okay?
All right,
now wait, wait.
Okay.
Hey, hey!
Yay!
Yay!
Freddy,
that's perfect!
Thanks.
Oops. I hope that wasn't
something you liked.
Oh, no, no, no.
It looks much better
down there.
And there's
a lot more of it.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
I'll get it.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
All right, all right
all right, all right!
Heigh-ho, Eduardo!
People!
Troy, what is it?
There he is--
My son, my son.
What did I do now?
I'm so proud of you.
Eduardo, turn on
that TV.
Quick! Channel .
What is it?
What's going on?
I just got a call
at my house a few minutes ago.
Come on, Eduardo,
turn that puppy up.
ANNOUNCER:
On the domestic front,
the plight of our
nation's homeless
was the subject
of a press conference
held by speaker of the House,
Thomas "Tip" O'Neill.
This is it!
This is what?
Shh!
Two million people
in our country
have no homes.
To most of us,
they become
a faceless statistic.
But these are
human beings
whose plight
was expressed
in a touching letter
I received
from a high school
student.
Guess which student?
Way to go,
Freddy.
O'NEILL:
"Dear Mr. O'Neill,
I'm years old,
and I live in Shallow Springs,
Long Island.
I spend
a lot of time
hanging out
at the mall.
My parents like to joke
that I live there,
but the only person
that really lives there
is an old lady
named the Duchess.
During the summer,
the Duchess sleeps
in a planter box
outside the mall.
In the winter,
she huddles
in the underground parking lot
near the boiler room.
By now you've
probably guessed it.
She really
isn't a duchess.
I haven't seen her there
for a while,
and I'm worried.
Winter's coming.
Wouldn't you think,
in a country this rich,
nice old ladies
like the Duchess
wouldn't have to sleep
in the streets?
She doesn't need
that much.
Just somebody
to care enough
to give her
a place to sleep.
Is that really
too much to ask?
Sincerely,
Frederick March
Lippincottleman."
No, Frederick,
that's not asking
too much.
With youth like you
who care,
this country
will always be great.
[ALL CHEERING]
That was from
our civics assignment.
I can't believe it.
Freddy Lippincottleman,
coast to coast.
Only in America.
That was a wonderful
letter, Freddy.
It was really honest
and sincere and caring.
You must be thrilled.
Yeah! This is probably
the best thing
that's ever
happened to me since...
Since birth!
Let's hope that letter
causes people to think.
Think?
Oh, right.
The homeless thing.
It's too bad you boys
didn't make the network news.
It's easy to see where Freddy
gets his sensitivity from.
It's all in the genes.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
I'll get it.
Must be the little woman.
I left a note on our door
for Gorgeous to come over here
after the beauty parlor.
Not that she needs it.
Hi. Debbie Thompson,
New York World.
Hi.
Hi. How did it feel
to be on national TV?
It's not me you want.
You want Freddy.
How did it feel
to be on national TV?
RICKY:
"When asked how he felt about
his newfound celebrity,
the young man answered:
'This reaffirms
my faith in democracy.'"
That's not
what he said.
He said,
"This is real neato."
This is great
for Freddy, isn't it?
It's just luck.
Dumb luck.
Hey, yo, Rick.
Yo, Alfonso.
Hey, way to go,
Fred, man.
See you guys later.
Those jocks were actually
talking to you?
Uh-huh. It's been
happening all morning.
Boy, my arm's
getting so tired
from saying hello
to everyone.
You know you can say hello
without waving.
Oh, I don't want
to change
just because
I'm famous.
You're not that famous.
Oh, no? I got a call from an
agent in Hollywood, California.
He said that my story
can make a great TV movie.
They'd need an actor with a
pretty strong arm for his part.
[AS FREDDY]
Hi! Hi!
Hi!
My dad says we all get
one chance in our lifetime.
And this is his.
Oh...
Oh, man, there's
Cheryl Ann Wilson.
It should be illegal
to be that beautiful.
She's headed this way.
I told you doing The Three
Musketeers would get us women.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Freddy.
I saw your picture
in the paper today.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
It's a cute picture.
I should've worked
harder on my letter.
This couldn't be
just a letter.
Her mind must be under
the control of Martians.
Uh...would you like
to come to our play?
How about going out
with me tomorrow?
We're doing
The Three Musketeers.
There's action,
adventure,
romance.
So, what do you say,
Freddy?
You busy?
Oh, I'd crawl
on my belly over cut glass
just to get close enough
for you to kick me.
That's cool.
Bye.
Incredible.
The most luscious girl
on this earth
just talked to you
with her own mouth.
I'll never wash
my ears again.
You're the first guy she's
talked to who didn't own a car.
I could really learn
to like this.
MAN:
There he is.
That's him.
Hi, Freddy.
Hi.
John Clark,
Eyewitness News.
You're right.
It is you.
Listen, we're wondering if
I could follow you around
and get some sh*ts
of your normal school day?
Oh, you mean sh*ts like him
opening his locker.
Good.
I like that.
Set up right over here.
Let's do it.
I usually open it up
with this hand.
That's also the hand
he waves hi with.
[CHUCKLES]
Listen, Freddy,
we were wondering
if you could you do
a guest sh*t
tomorrow on
Noontime New York?
Noontime New York?
Yeah.
That's a really
sophisticated show.
You bet. You'll be on
with Mayor Ed Koch
and the Bill Baird Puppets.
Oh.
I love those puppets.
I'll be there.
Good. Good.
Wait a minute,
Freddy.
Noontime New York
is on at noon.
That's when we have to do
The Three Musketeers.
Excuse me, sir.
Yeah?
Can he do the show
the day after?
He has a previous
commitment.
Wait a minute, Rick.
I can talk for myself.
I'll do the show
tomorrow.
Good. Good.
What are you doing?
Get real, Rick.
We're talking school play
versus major media exposure.
That play's very important
to Alfonso and me,
and to you too until
a few minutes ago.
That was then.
You can't live in the past.
Times changed.
I'm hot.
Okay, let's do it.
My combination won't get
on TV, will it?
Oh, no problem. We'll be on
a tight sh*t to your face.
You want your friend
in the sh*t with you?
Why?
He didn't write
the letter.
I did.
So the costume's
a little tight.
Listen, you don't
have to wear it.
Did I mention after the play,
we'd take you to a pastry shop?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? Larry, I'm glad
you called back.
Listen, the most fantastic
opportunity just came along.
Singing?
Whoever said anything
about singing?
No, you don't have
to wear big floppy ears.
I said musketeer,
not mouseketeer.
You have the opportunity
to play a terrific part.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
I'll get it.
[CHIMING]
Yeah, yeah.
Hold on, hold on. Uh...
Hi, Brad.
Hey, yo,
Mr. Stratton.
Oh, sorry to interrupt
your praying.
It's all right.
I was through.
I, uh,
see you're into dirt.
It's my life.
RICKY:
So, what do you think, Larry?
It's gonna be great.
Hello?
Hello?
BRAD:
Hey, yo, Rick.
Brad, how you doing?
What's the big problem?
Freddy punked out
on me.
Do you think you could learn
these lines by tomorrow?
"Hark, who goes there
in the darkness?"
That's perfect.
What projection,
what intensity, what feeling.
What bull.
We've been
through a lot,
soccer team,
campouts,
crazy Mrs. Allen's
science class.
Oh, yeah. After we
got through with her,
she decided to retire.
And she was only .
So...what do you say,
buddy?
Rick, I'd do anything
in the world for you,
but not this.
Okay.
When I've got tons of girls
hanging around,
don't come begging
for my leftovers.
You still have three swords
for two actors?
This is terrible.
Brad was my last hope.
Nobody wants
to come near this.
They smell a disaster.
Well, why don't you ask your
teacher if you can postpone it.
I already did. She said the show
must go on, no matter what.
Oh, how could
she be so mean?
Why do you think
she became a teacher?
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Heigh-ho, Kate.
Is Eduardo home?
You just
missed him.
Well, then I guess
I'll have to talk to you.
Swell. Believe me,
Eduardo will hear all about it
when he gets back.
Hi, Rick.
Freddy Lippincottleman
in our house?
What an honor.
No matter
how famous I get,
I won't forget
about my friends.
I came over to give
Eddie Toys a chance
to cash in
on Lippincottlemania.
Lippincottlemania?
Yep.
The Freddy poster.
What do you think?
Oh, I know. When I first saw it,
I was speechless too.
It really
chokes you up.
Kind of makes me gag.
Doesn't it though?
What do you think, Kate?
Tell the truth.
You really love it,
don't you?
No.
You mean yes.
I mean no.
It's tacky,
exploitive, insulting,
and in extremely
poor taste.
Well, all right.
But will it sell?
Troy, I don't think this is
something we want to get into.
Well, it's your loss.
I'll buy you coffee,
tell you about
our syndicated column,
Letters
from Freddy.
First one goes
to Gromyko.
[IMITATES SCREAMING]
Excuse me,
I have a play to put on.
Wait, can I talk to you?
Are you sure
you can spare it?
Don't you have another
interview or something?
Please,
it's important.
What is it?
I want to discuss the show.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Considering what I said
earlier today,
this is kinda difficult
for me to ask.
Hey. It's okay.
Go ahead.
Would you videotape
Noontime New York for me?
You have the nerve to ask that
after you left us in a lurch?
You're one of the most amazing
people to ever walk this planet.
I know your problem.
You're jealous.
Me, jealous of you?
You could win
the lottery,
marry Miss Universe,
become president,
and I still
wouldn't be jealous.
If you're not jealous,
can I borrow your
blue blazer for the show?
Out.
Out.
See, I knew
you were jealous.
[EXHALES WHEEZILY]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Hey, son. You about
ready for dinner?
What are you doing?
What happened to the picture
of your biology teacher?
Wanna play?
points if you hit his face.
A hundred if you hit
both of them.
You may wonder
how I figured this out,
but I think you're
a little miffed at Freddy.
Freddy's a total jerk,
a moron, an idiot.
I hate his guts.
Not good to keep
that stuff bottled up.
He let me down, Dad,
just to be on TV.
They only wanted him because
he lucked out with that letter.
We were doing him a favor
putting him in the play.
That doesn't matter
when you're a big celebrity.
There might be a little jealousy
floating around in here.
Hah. Freddy
accused me of that too.
Just because he's got
his picture's in the paper,
Cheryl Ann Wilson
asked him out,
and he's being
interviewed by reporters...
Of course
I'm jealous.
Well, jealousy can be
a healthy emotion...
in certain
primitive tribes.
You know what the real irony is?
I found Freddy in the trash.
I remember.
His scout troop
put him there.
I taught that nerd
everything.
I made excuses for him,
I let him tag along.
I was always there
when he needed me.
And he always needed me.
You think, just possibly,
you need Freddy to need you?
Now that he doesn't
need you anymore,
your need for him
to need you has...
become an even
greater...need.
I need help.
You're not kidding.
What I'm trying to say is,
possibly,
you may have gotten more from
the relationship than you think.
Like what?
For one thing,
I think you enjoy
being important to him
Now that he's doing
other things, it's hard.
Another possibility is...
Freddy's been a jerk all along,
and I just haven't seen it.
Give the jerk a break.
He's not used to handling
all this excitement.
Nobody paid that much
attention to him before.
I did.
I know you're hurt, son.
And I know you're upset.
At least try to understand
what he's going through.
[SCOFFS]
Why don't you try to understand
what I'm going through?
For example,
pretend that's
a picture of Freddy's father.
Now what
do you think...
Eduardo?
"Turn that puppy up."
[SIGHS]
Yah!
Let's try one last time
with you playing both parts.
All right.
Hark. Who goes there
in the darkness?
'Tis I, Aramis.
'Tis Aramis.
Approach
and be recognized.
Did anybody
ever tell you
you look like
the guy over here?
We're dead meat.
We're gonna be laughed
off the stage.
We'll have to go to another
school under assumed names.
Hi, guys.
Freddy.
What are you
doing here?
Why aren't you on TV
talking with the puppets?
Wait till you hear this.
I can do the show after all.
I canceled the spot
on Noontime New York.
Why?
My dad and I felt
the timing wasn't right.
I can't saturate the public
before getting a sh*t
at The Carson Show.
I can relate to that.
Can't you?
Personally, I would've
started with Donahue,
then moved up to Merv.
The good news is,
we decided doing the play
wouldn't hurt my career.
Since this is theater
and that's TV.
The bad news is,
we don't care.
All right, I'll admit it.
The reason
I'm not doing the show
is because they said
I was yesterday's news.
They bumped me for a guy
who developed a prune
the size of...a stove.
They said it was more visual.
Maybe someday,
they'll have you back
when the do a "Where are
they now?" segment.
Hi, Cheryl Ann!
What time
should I pick you up?
Oh... I forgot.
I can't go.
I promised my mom
I'd help her watch television.
Oh.
Looks like Lippincottlemania
has peaked.
This is the worst day
of my entire life,
and that's
saying a lot.
Did you read
my press clipping?
We've seen it.
Sorry. We have a show
to do in five minutes.
Yeah. We're
the two musketeers.
I know where
you can find a third
who's got the costume,
the hat, and knows the part,
kind of.
Hey.
Forget it.
Yeah. We'd rather
make fools of ourselves.
Wait a minute, guys.
I've been acting
like a real bozo lately.
You two are the best friends
I could ever have,
and I deserted you.
I don't blame you if you never
wanna speak to me again.
I'm sorry.
Ah. Well, it's
not all your fau--
No. Freddy,
you really shafted us.
Yeah. We were
counting on you.
You acted
like we didn't exist.
Know what that's like?
Every day of my life.
Let's go.
Don't say it.
I won't if you won't.
What would be
the classy thing to do?
Keep walking
and never turn back.
Then why are we stopping?
We're marshmallows.
Hark, who goes there
in the darkness?
'Tis I, Aramis.
[THUNK]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Face to face ♪
♪ A couple
Of silver spoons ♪
♪ Hopin' to find ♪
♪ We're two of a kind ♪
♪ Makin' a go ♪
♪ Makin' it grow ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find
Our way ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ Takin' the time
Each day ♪
♪ To learn all about ♪
♪ Those things
You just can't buy ♪
♪ Two silver spoons
Together ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ We're gonna find
Our way ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find
Our way ♪
♪ You and I together ♪
Come on, guys,
what's taking so long?
RICKY:
These costumes you made
for us don't look right.
Whatever the problem is,
I'm sure we can fix it.
All right, so it needs
a little...something.
We're supposed to be
the Three Musketeers.
We look like
Larry, Moe, and Curly.
[BONK]
Nyah, nyah, nyah...
You didn't believe me
when I said I couldn't sew.
Okay, now we believe you.
The hats look great.
That's because
you didn't touch them.
Let me see what
I can do. Come on.
Why don't I just
wear the French flag?
It can't fit
any worse.
Let's see
what we can do.
Hey, look at the sign!
This is real neato.
Oops. Do you
have any tape?
It's in the kitchen,
in the drawer by the sink.
Wait a minute.
Why is my name last?
Stratton, Spears,
Lippincottleman.
It's in reverse
alphabetical order.
Oh, okay.
Boy, I hope
this play works.
I thought
it wasn't for a grade.
It's for something more
important than grades.
You see,
the drama club can be
a crucial
extracurricular activity.
It can help get you
into college,
it can build
self-esteem,
and it can
get you women.
At least, it's for
a worthy cause.
You don't know
how worthy.
It's our only chance
to get into the drama club.
If we do that,
we get a sh*t at all
the beautiful actress types.
That's what I like
about you, Rick.
You dream big.
[OBJECTS SHATTER IN KITCHEN]
Doesn't it
make you nervous
that we're asking
Freddy to walk
and hold a sharp object
at the same time?
He's one of
our best friends.
This is important to him.
That's right. That's why
you're the Three Musketeers.
All for one,
and one for all. Right?
Right.
Right.
I-I-I found it.
Hello, everybody.
KATE:
Oh, hi, hon.
Oh, what a mess.
Ohh.
Heavy traffic?
Heavy, heh? Let me put it
to you this way.
Me and the guys in the cars
on either side of me
are planning a reunion
in years.
[CHUCKLES]
You'll like them.
Dad, can you show us
how to do the thing now?
What thing?
The thing,
with the sword.
Ah, the sword thing.
Sure. Why not?
I'm rested now.
Okay. Let's see now.
First, to do
the sword thing,
you have to know
a little French, you know?
En garde.
You could also
say that in English.
On guard.
The sword thing.
Ready?
Everybody watching?
Here we go.
[SWORD SWISHES]
[GRUNTS]
[EXCLAIMS]
All right.
Hah!
The Thing.
Who wants to try now?
Me! Let me!
Let me!
I can't look.
All right, Freddy.
Bend it down about so far.
All right?
When it pops up,
you catch it
by the hilt. Okay?
All right,
now wait, wait.
Okay.
Hey, hey!
Yay!
Yay!
Freddy,
that's perfect!
Thanks.
Oops. I hope that wasn't
something you liked.
Oh, no, no, no.
It looks much better
down there.
And there's
a lot more of it.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
I'll get it.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
All right, all right
all right, all right!
Heigh-ho, Eduardo!
People!
Troy, what is it?
There he is--
My son, my son.
What did I do now?
I'm so proud of you.
Eduardo, turn on
that TV.
Quick! Channel .
What is it?
What's going on?
I just got a call
at my house a few minutes ago.
Come on, Eduardo,
turn that puppy up.
ANNOUNCER:
On the domestic front,
the plight of our
nation's homeless
was the subject
of a press conference
held by speaker of the House,
Thomas "Tip" O'Neill.
This is it!
This is what?
Shh!
Two million people
in our country
have no homes.
To most of us,
they become
a faceless statistic.
But these are
human beings
whose plight
was expressed
in a touching letter
I received
from a high school
student.
Guess which student?
Way to go,
Freddy.
O'NEILL:
"Dear Mr. O'Neill,
I'm years old,
and I live in Shallow Springs,
Long Island.
I spend
a lot of time
hanging out
at the mall.
My parents like to joke
that I live there,
but the only person
that really lives there
is an old lady
named the Duchess.
During the summer,
the Duchess sleeps
in a planter box
outside the mall.
In the winter,
she huddles
in the underground parking lot
near the boiler room.
By now you've
probably guessed it.
She really
isn't a duchess.
I haven't seen her there
for a while,
and I'm worried.
Winter's coming.
Wouldn't you think,
in a country this rich,
nice old ladies
like the Duchess
wouldn't have to sleep
in the streets?
She doesn't need
that much.
Just somebody
to care enough
to give her
a place to sleep.
Is that really
too much to ask?
Sincerely,
Frederick March
Lippincottleman."
No, Frederick,
that's not asking
too much.
With youth like you
who care,
this country
will always be great.
[ALL CHEERING]
That was from
our civics assignment.
I can't believe it.
Freddy Lippincottleman,
coast to coast.
Only in America.
That was a wonderful
letter, Freddy.
It was really honest
and sincere and caring.
You must be thrilled.
Yeah! This is probably
the best thing
that's ever
happened to me since...
Since birth!
Let's hope that letter
causes people to think.
Think?
Oh, right.
The homeless thing.
It's too bad you boys
didn't make the network news.
It's easy to see where Freddy
gets his sensitivity from.
It's all in the genes.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
I'll get it.
Must be the little woman.
I left a note on our door
for Gorgeous to come over here
after the beauty parlor.
Not that she needs it.
Hi. Debbie Thompson,
New York World.
Hi.
Hi. How did it feel
to be on national TV?
It's not me you want.
You want Freddy.
How did it feel
to be on national TV?
RICKY:
"When asked how he felt about
his newfound celebrity,
the young man answered:
'This reaffirms
my faith in democracy.'"
That's not
what he said.
He said,
"This is real neato."
This is great
for Freddy, isn't it?
It's just luck.
Dumb luck.
Hey, yo, Rick.
Yo, Alfonso.
Hey, way to go,
Fred, man.
See you guys later.
Those jocks were actually
talking to you?
Uh-huh. It's been
happening all morning.
Boy, my arm's
getting so tired
from saying hello
to everyone.
You know you can say hello
without waving.
Oh, I don't want
to change
just because
I'm famous.
You're not that famous.
Oh, no? I got a call from an
agent in Hollywood, California.
He said that my story
can make a great TV movie.
They'd need an actor with a
pretty strong arm for his part.
[AS FREDDY]
Hi! Hi!
Hi!
My dad says we all get
one chance in our lifetime.
And this is his.
Oh...
Oh, man, there's
Cheryl Ann Wilson.
It should be illegal
to be that beautiful.
She's headed this way.
I told you doing The Three
Musketeers would get us women.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Freddy.
I saw your picture
in the paper today.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
It's a cute picture.
I should've worked
harder on my letter.
This couldn't be
just a letter.
Her mind must be under
the control of Martians.
Uh...would you like
to come to our play?
How about going out
with me tomorrow?
We're doing
The Three Musketeers.
There's action,
adventure,
romance.
So, what do you say,
Freddy?
You busy?
Oh, I'd crawl
on my belly over cut glass
just to get close enough
for you to kick me.
That's cool.
Bye.
Incredible.
The most luscious girl
on this earth
just talked to you
with her own mouth.
I'll never wash
my ears again.
You're the first guy she's
talked to who didn't own a car.
I could really learn
to like this.
MAN:
There he is.
That's him.
Hi, Freddy.
Hi.
John Clark,
Eyewitness News.
You're right.
It is you.
Listen, we're wondering if
I could follow you around
and get some sh*ts
of your normal school day?
Oh, you mean sh*ts like him
opening his locker.
Good.
I like that.
Set up right over here.
Let's do it.
I usually open it up
with this hand.
That's also the hand
he waves hi with.
[CHUCKLES]
Listen, Freddy,
we were wondering
if you could you do
a guest sh*t
tomorrow on
Noontime New York?
Noontime New York?
Yeah.
That's a really
sophisticated show.
You bet. You'll be on
with Mayor Ed Koch
and the Bill Baird Puppets.
Oh.
I love those puppets.
I'll be there.
Good. Good.
Wait a minute,
Freddy.
Noontime New York
is on at noon.
That's when we have to do
The Three Musketeers.
Excuse me, sir.
Yeah?
Can he do the show
the day after?
He has a previous
commitment.
Wait a minute, Rick.
I can talk for myself.
I'll do the show
tomorrow.
Good. Good.
What are you doing?
Get real, Rick.
We're talking school play
versus major media exposure.
That play's very important
to Alfonso and me,
and to you too until
a few minutes ago.
That was then.
You can't live in the past.
Times changed.
I'm hot.
Okay, let's do it.
My combination won't get
on TV, will it?
Oh, no problem. We'll be on
a tight sh*t to your face.
You want your friend
in the sh*t with you?
Why?
He didn't write
the letter.
I did.
So the costume's
a little tight.
Listen, you don't
have to wear it.
Did I mention after the play,
we'd take you to a pastry shop?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? Larry, I'm glad
you called back.
Listen, the most fantastic
opportunity just came along.
Singing?
Whoever said anything
about singing?
No, you don't have
to wear big floppy ears.
I said musketeer,
not mouseketeer.
You have the opportunity
to play a terrific part.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
I'll get it.
[CHIMING]
Yeah, yeah.
Hold on, hold on. Uh...
Hi, Brad.
Hey, yo,
Mr. Stratton.
Oh, sorry to interrupt
your praying.
It's all right.
I was through.
I, uh,
see you're into dirt.
It's my life.
RICKY:
So, what do you think, Larry?
It's gonna be great.
Hello?
Hello?
BRAD:
Hey, yo, Rick.
Brad, how you doing?
What's the big problem?
Freddy punked out
on me.
Do you think you could learn
these lines by tomorrow?
"Hark, who goes there
in the darkness?"
That's perfect.
What projection,
what intensity, what feeling.
What bull.
We've been
through a lot,
soccer team,
campouts,
crazy Mrs. Allen's
science class.
Oh, yeah. After we
got through with her,
she decided to retire.
And she was only .
So...what do you say,
buddy?
Rick, I'd do anything
in the world for you,
but not this.
Okay.
When I've got tons of girls
hanging around,
don't come begging
for my leftovers.
You still have three swords
for two actors?
This is terrible.
Brad was my last hope.
Nobody wants
to come near this.
They smell a disaster.
Well, why don't you ask your
teacher if you can postpone it.
I already did. She said the show
must go on, no matter what.
Oh, how could
she be so mean?
Why do you think
she became a teacher?
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Heigh-ho, Kate.
Is Eduardo home?
You just
missed him.
Well, then I guess
I'll have to talk to you.
Swell. Believe me,
Eduardo will hear all about it
when he gets back.
Hi, Rick.
Freddy Lippincottleman
in our house?
What an honor.
No matter
how famous I get,
I won't forget
about my friends.
I came over to give
Eddie Toys a chance
to cash in
on Lippincottlemania.
Lippincottlemania?
Yep.
The Freddy poster.
What do you think?
Oh, I know. When I first saw it,
I was speechless too.
It really
chokes you up.
Kind of makes me gag.
Doesn't it though?
What do you think, Kate?
Tell the truth.
You really love it,
don't you?
No.
You mean yes.
I mean no.
It's tacky,
exploitive, insulting,
and in extremely
poor taste.
Well, all right.
But will it sell?
Troy, I don't think this is
something we want to get into.
Well, it's your loss.
I'll buy you coffee,
tell you about
our syndicated column,
Letters
from Freddy.
First one goes
to Gromyko.
[IMITATES SCREAMING]
Excuse me,
I have a play to put on.
Wait, can I talk to you?
Are you sure
you can spare it?
Don't you have another
interview or something?
Please,
it's important.
What is it?
I want to discuss the show.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Considering what I said
earlier today,
this is kinda difficult
for me to ask.
Hey. It's okay.
Go ahead.
Would you videotape
Noontime New York for me?
You have the nerve to ask that
after you left us in a lurch?
You're one of the most amazing
people to ever walk this planet.
I know your problem.
You're jealous.
Me, jealous of you?
You could win
the lottery,
marry Miss Universe,
become president,
and I still
wouldn't be jealous.
If you're not jealous,
can I borrow your
blue blazer for the show?
Out.
Out.
See, I knew
you were jealous.
[EXHALES WHEEZILY]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Hey, son. You about
ready for dinner?
What are you doing?
What happened to the picture
of your biology teacher?
Wanna play?
points if you hit his face.
A hundred if you hit
both of them.
You may wonder
how I figured this out,
but I think you're
a little miffed at Freddy.
Freddy's a total jerk,
a moron, an idiot.
I hate his guts.
Not good to keep
that stuff bottled up.
He let me down, Dad,
just to be on TV.
They only wanted him because
he lucked out with that letter.
We were doing him a favor
putting him in the play.
That doesn't matter
when you're a big celebrity.
There might be a little jealousy
floating around in here.
Hah. Freddy
accused me of that too.
Just because he's got
his picture's in the paper,
Cheryl Ann Wilson
asked him out,
and he's being
interviewed by reporters...
Of course
I'm jealous.
Well, jealousy can be
a healthy emotion...
in certain
primitive tribes.
You know what the real irony is?
I found Freddy in the trash.
I remember.
His scout troop
put him there.
I taught that nerd
everything.
I made excuses for him,
I let him tag along.
I was always there
when he needed me.
And he always needed me.
You think, just possibly,
you need Freddy to need you?
Now that he doesn't
need you anymore,
your need for him
to need you has...
become an even
greater...need.
I need help.
You're not kidding.
What I'm trying to say is,
possibly,
you may have gotten more from
the relationship than you think.
Like what?
For one thing,
I think you enjoy
being important to him
Now that he's doing
other things, it's hard.
Another possibility is...
Freddy's been a jerk all along,
and I just haven't seen it.
Give the jerk a break.
He's not used to handling
all this excitement.
Nobody paid that much
attention to him before.
I did.
I know you're hurt, son.
And I know you're upset.
At least try to understand
what he's going through.
[SCOFFS]
Why don't you try to understand
what I'm going through?
For example,
pretend that's
a picture of Freddy's father.
Now what
do you think...
Eduardo?
"Turn that puppy up."
[SIGHS]
Yah!
Let's try one last time
with you playing both parts.
All right.
Hark. Who goes there
in the darkness?
'Tis I, Aramis.
'Tis Aramis.
Approach
and be recognized.
Did anybody
ever tell you
you look like
the guy over here?
We're dead meat.
We're gonna be laughed
off the stage.
We'll have to go to another
school under assumed names.
Hi, guys.
Freddy.
What are you
doing here?
Why aren't you on TV
talking with the puppets?
Wait till you hear this.
I can do the show after all.
I canceled the spot
on Noontime New York.
Why?
My dad and I felt
the timing wasn't right.
I can't saturate the public
before getting a sh*t
at The Carson Show.
I can relate to that.
Can't you?
Personally, I would've
started with Donahue,
then moved up to Merv.
The good news is,
we decided doing the play
wouldn't hurt my career.
Since this is theater
and that's TV.
The bad news is,
we don't care.
All right, I'll admit it.
The reason
I'm not doing the show
is because they said
I was yesterday's news.
They bumped me for a guy
who developed a prune
the size of...a stove.
They said it was more visual.
Maybe someday,
they'll have you back
when the do a "Where are
they now?" segment.
Hi, Cheryl Ann!
What time
should I pick you up?
Oh... I forgot.
I can't go.
I promised my mom
I'd help her watch television.
Oh.
Looks like Lippincottlemania
has peaked.
This is the worst day
of my entire life,
and that's
saying a lot.
Did you read
my press clipping?
We've seen it.
Sorry. We have a show
to do in five minutes.
Yeah. We're
the two musketeers.
I know where
you can find a third
who's got the costume,
the hat, and knows the part,
kind of.
Hey.
Forget it.
Yeah. We'd rather
make fools of ourselves.
Wait a minute, guys.
I've been acting
like a real bozo lately.
You two are the best friends
I could ever have,
and I deserted you.
I don't blame you if you never
wanna speak to me again.
I'm sorry.
Ah. Well, it's
not all your fau--
No. Freddy,
you really shafted us.
Yeah. We were
counting on you.
You acted
like we didn't exist.
Know what that's like?
Every day of my life.
Let's go.
Don't say it.
I won't if you won't.
What would be
the classy thing to do?
Keep walking
and never turn back.
Then why are we stopping?
We're marshmallows.
Hark, who goes there
in the darkness?
'Tis I, Aramis.
[THUNK]
[♪♪♪]