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04x14 - My Uncle Ned

Posted: 11/13/23 06:33
by bunniefuu
-But, but Uncle Ned.

But Uncle Ned.

Uncle Ned, I have spent

a year writing this book.

-I will not sign anything!

-They won't publish it

unless you sign a release.

-I have never seen such a

distortion of the truth.

Mm, on page, on page ,

you say that I walked up

to the Queen of Romania

and said, "Hi, toots."

Nothing could be

further from the truth.

It was during the

World's Fair, she'd

been walking about

all day, and I

said, "How are your tootsies?"

I was being solicitous.

-But Uncle Ned--

-And on page ,

here's another one.

Mm, slanderous.

That's all it is,

just slanderous.

I was not ejected

from Carnegie Hall

for playing my harmonica during

a Jascha Heifetz concert.

I was not!

It was my flute,

and I was playing it

in the lobby during

intermission.

And as I remember, my

review was better than his.

Front page. [laughs]

With my picture!

-Tell him he's got to sign!

Your publisher's flying out

from New York in two days.

-If this book is published

without my permission,

I will sue.

Just as I sued Clarence Darrow.

Trying to make a

monkey out of me.

-Uncle Ned, we're not getting

anywhere on the telephone.

I think we ought to talk

this over in person.

-Well, that suits me fine.

"My Uncle Ned."

If I did half of

those things, they'd

be after me with

a butterfly net.

This is the last time I'll

ever buy a suitcase made

from the skin of a polar bear.

Always have to keep

it in a cool place.

[theme music]

[phone ringing]

-Tilly?

Tilly?

Anybody wants me, I'm at

my nephew's downstate.

Yes.

-I understand, Mr. Wilson.

If anybody wants you, you'll

be at your Uncle Ned's.

Have a good time, Mr. Wilson.

-Henry, you're going

to spoil your dinner.

-Alice, I wish you wouldn't

talk to me like that.

That, that's the same tone

of voice you use to Dennis!

-Oh.

Henry darling, you're going

to spoil your appetite.

Is that better?

-Much.

-That was Mr.

Wilson on the phone.

He's leaving first thing in the

morning to visit his Uncle Ned.

I'm gonna water his

lawn while he's away.

-That's very nice of you

to do that for him, Dennis.

-Oh, I'd do anything

for Mr. Wilson.

He's my friend.

And besides, he's

gonna pay me $ .

-Hi, Uncle Ned.

-Oh hi, Dennis!

My, but it's good to see you.

Do you know something?

It's taken me

exactly three hours

and minutes to get from

my front gate to the spot

right here.

Oh, I could have

made better time,

only they chased

me off the freeway.

Yes, the highway patrol.

I want to tell you,

I'm a much safer skater

than a lot of those drivers.

How have you been, Dennis?

-Fine thanks, Uncle Ned.

-Your mother and dad?

-Fine.

-Mmm.

[doorbell rings]

-Where is that numbskull

nephew of mine?

-Did you come to see Mr. Wilson?

-Well, how many numbskull

nephews do you think I have?

-Jeepers, he went to see you.

-Well there you are.

You see, that shows

he's a numbskull.

I am not there.

What's he lock the door for?

Doesn't he trust anybody?

-You can come over to our house.

-Oh thank you, Dennis.

Thank you.

But uh, I don't believe

that'll be necessary.

[clicking sounds]

-Jeepers, how did you do that?

-If I wanted you

to know Dennis, I

wouldn't have

opened the umbrella.

-Hello?

Hello, operator.

Operator.

[thunder]

-Operator-- I know he

went to visit his nephew.

I'm the nephew he went to visit.

Now would you please

put my call through?

[phone ringing]

-Hello?

Oh hi, Mr. Wilson.

Where are you?

What?

He's here.

-Already?

No, no, no!

Tell him to stay there.

I'm driving right back.

-He's at your house.

-How did he get

in without a key?

[thunder]

-Oh, the old umbrella trick.

Well, tell him to be

sure to wait for me.

-OK, Mr. Wilson.

Bye.

-Bye.

[thunder]

-Mr. Wilson said he

was leaving right away,

and he wants you to

wait until he gets back.

-I have no intention of leaving.

None whatsoever.

-Do you always talk

to people standing

on your head, Uncle Ned?

-Huh?

I'm doing my yoga exercise.

-Oh.

Well, it looks like you're

standing on your head.

--[laughs] My, that's a very

stimulating exercise, Dennis.

Tones up the brain

cells, keeps you alert.

Wonderful for your memory.

Helps you never to forget.

I learned it all in India from

a professor named uh, uh, hmm,

what was his name?

-Boy, you sure have had an

interesting life, Uncle Ned.

No wonder Mr. Wilson's

written that book about you.

-A book?

It's a mass of lies.

Imagine accusing me of calling

the Queen of Romania "toots."

-What did you call her?

-"Your Majesty."

When the King was around.

[phone ringing]

-Hey!

-Mm hmm?

-That sounds like our phone.

I'll be right back.

-What was that professor's name?

A, B.

-Does John Wilson live here?

-Yeah, but he's not home.

-I have a telegram for him.

-I'll be happy to

give it to him.

-OK.

Make sure he gets it.

-Bye!

-Bye.

[phone ringing]

-Where are you, Mr. Wilson?

-I'm still here.

[thunder]

-There's a terrible

storm and the bridge

has washed out up here.

I, I can't get back.

-It's a beautiful day here.

The sun is shining

and it's real warm.

-Dennis, I didn't call

for a weather report.

-OK.

Oh, I almost forgot.

A messenger just gave

me a telegram for you.

-Who's it from?

-I don't know.

There's no return

address on the envelope.

-Dennis, they don't

put a-- oh, never mind.

Just open it.

-I got it open, Mr. Wilson.

Do you want me to read it?

-Please!

-"Due to change in plans,

am arriving your city today

to finalize details regarding

publication of your book.

Would appreciate you arranging

for me to meet Uncle Ned.

Sounds like

fascinating character."

It's signed Charles D. Winfield,

Winfield Publishing Company.

Did you hear all

that, Mr. Wilson?

[thunder]

-Oh no!

-John, what's the matter?

-Dennis just read me a

telegram from Mr. Winfield.

He's arriving a day early.

-Today?

-And we're stuck up here!

-And Uncle Ned's down there!

-We're up here, Uncle

Ned's down there,

and there goes my whole

career if Uncle Ned

meets Mr. Winfield

before I [gasps].

Dennis, let me talk

to your father!

-Oh, he's not home.

He and Mom went

downtown shopping.

-Oh fine.

Then Dennis, I'll

have to depend on you.

Dennis, Uncle Ned does not

want my book to be published.

-Why not?

-Because he's a stubborn old--

[thunder]

-What's that, Mr. Wilson?

I didn't hear it all.

-Uh, it's just as well.

Dennis, I came up here to

try and reason with him.

But if Uncle Ned meets Mr.

Winfield before I have a chance

to talk to him, he'll

ruin the whole deal

and I'll have to

give back the $ , .

-What $ , ?

-The advance the

publishers gave me, Dennis.

Now I do not want Uncle

Ned to meet Mr. Winfield.

I say again, I do not want

Uncle Ned to meet Mr. Winfield.

Do you understand?

-Yes sir.

I think so.

-Fine, fine.

Then you've got to help me.

Dennis, you've got to get

Uncle Ned out of the house

and make sure he doesn't

meet Mr. Winfield.

Do you understand?

-Yes sir, but what'll

I do with him?

-Anything!

Take him to the park,

feed him to the squirrels!

The old nut.

If he gets tired of the park,

you can take him to the--

[thunder]

-Dennis?

Dennis?

The phone's dead.

-The lightning must've

struck the line.

-Oh, I wish it had been me.

Dennis!

[thunder]

-I was only fooling.

-Beautiful day, Dennis.

Good idea of yours to go

to the park, you know.

Nothing like a park

on a beautiful day.

[pop]

[pop]

[pop]

[pop]

-You know, I've always wanted

to do a thing like that.

-Me too!

-Me too, but I can't afford it.

$ . please.

-Hey you!

Hey, hold it!

You're under arrest.

-What for?

-For destroying

that man's property.

-It's all right,

Sergeant Mooney.

We paid for them.

Didn't you, Uncle Ned?

-I certainly did.

What do you think I am?

Some kind of a nut?

-Uncle Ned?

Dennis, is this your uncle?

-No, he's Mr. Wilson's.

-Mr. Wilson's?

Oh well, that

explains it! [laughs]

-Exactly what do

you mean by that?

-Oh nothing!

Glad to meet you, Uncle Ned.

-Sergeant Mooney's about the

best policeman on our force.

We haven't had a

pickpocket in the park

since he's been on this beat.

-Well, really?

Well, well, well, Sergeant.

I congratulate you, you know.

I have an idea this whole town

will be eternally grateful.

-Well, I guess I better

get back to the car

in case the lieutenant calls.

[laughing]

-What's the matter,

Sergeant Mooney?

-What happened to my car keys?

-You mean these?

-Oh, I guess I must

have dropped them.

-And your badge, Officer.

-Huh?

-And your pencil.

-Oh now, just a min--

-And the handcuffs.

-How did you--

-No, no.

I promised Uncle Houdini I'd

never divulge the secret.

Don't you think

it's getting late

for a motion picture, Dennis?

Don't you think we

ought to go home?

-Jeepers, it's a great movie.

The Lizard Man

marries the Wolf Girl!

-Well, well, well.

Well now, just a minute.

Let me see.

There were six hot dogs,

four ice cream cones,

two bags of peanuts

and eight balloons.

Oh, I wonder if I'm going

to have enough money.

Any place around here where

I can get a check cashed?

-Oh, Mr. Quigley'll

cash it for you.

He always cashes

Mr. Wilson's checks.

-In there, huh?

-Yeah.

-Well, you run

along and find out

what time the picture starts.

-Yes sir!

-Not too fast now.

-Good day.

Oh, yes sir?

-I wonder if you'd cash

this check for me, please?

-Well, I I'm afraid

I don't know you.

-I am John Wilson's uncle.

-Oh, then you won't

mind if I call him.

-I don't believe he's home.

-Well, do you have

any identification?

A driver's license?

-No.

-I'm afraid my insurance

company won't allow me to.

-Well, would a pilot license do?

-Do you fly?

-Well, just the propeller

driven aircraft, yes.

They haven't checked

me out on jets.

But here.

-Oh.

Oh, yes.

Well, that'll do.

$ , Ned Wilson.

Oh, you must be Uncle Ned!

I heard that Mr. Wilson

wrote a book about you.

You're supposed to

be quite a character!

-That is the impression

that he's trying to create.

The whole thing is a

badly written, misspelled

encyclopedia of falsehoods.

It will never be published.

Never!

Character indeed.

-There you are.

-Thank you.

Thank you very much.

-[inaudible]

-Grandma Robinson's

homemade relish?

-Uh, $ . a jar.

The best we've ever had.

-Oh?

-Would you care to try a jar?

-Well, I uh--

-Double your money back

if uh, you don't like it.

-Oh.

Well, that's fair enough.

-Yes.

-No.

Please, don't bother.

I'll eat it here.

-Here?

-Yes.

You have a spoon, please?

-Well uh, yes.

-Oh, thank you.

I don't like it.

May I have my $ . ?

-$ . ?

-Double your money back

if you don't like it.

I don't like it.

Thank you.

May I have two jars of Grandma

Robinson's homemade relish?

-Why?

You don't like it!

-I know.

But I may like the next two.

-Now look!

One jar to a customer.

-Doesn't say that on the sign.

-Well, it doesn't say

it, but it means it.

-If it meant it,

it would say it.

-Now look, you--

-Do you know the penalty

for misleading advertising?

-Misleading?

-Two jars, please.

-Don't like either one?

-$ , please.

-I'm discontinuing the offer.

-It says nothing

about a time limit.

I believe the fine for

misleading advertising is $ .

Thank you.

-I know.

Four.

-Eight.

-Eight!

-And besides the fine of $ ,

you can get one year in jail.

-Don't bother.

I know you're not

going to like them.

-Thank you.

I think I'll let these ride.

It's the first time I ever

played relish roulette.

Well, in a way, it's a

variation of the system

I used when I broke the

bank at Monte Carlo.

-Broke the bank!

[crash]

-Come on, Uncle Ned!

We'd better get going!

The picture starts

in five minutes.

-Oh Dennis, am I

glad to see you!

Here, have a lollipop.

-Thanks, Mr. Quigley.

And thanks for cashing

Uncle Ned's check.

I told him you would.

-You told him.

-Hey, do you know

Mr. Wilson wrote

a book about his

famous Uncle Ned?

-Tell him to stop the presses!

I've got another chapter.

-Hello?

Hello?

[thunder]

-No, I do not want to

speak to his assistant.

I want to talk to

the Commissioner

of Highways himself.

Yes.

Commissioner?

As far as I can make

out, your department

is doing absolutely

nothing about repairing

that washed out bridge

and I need help.

I'm stuck up here on my uncle's

farm and I've got to get out.

Now this is an emergency.

My wife-- oh no, no.

No, it isn't that

kind of an emergency.

No, no.

I have written a book

about my Uncle Ned,

but he won't sign a release.

Now my publisher is

flying down to my house.

My uncle is there.

And the little boy next door,

he is trying to-- he-- hello?

Hello?

Hello?

-Did the line go out again?

-No.

He hung up.

Eloise, my career

is lying out there

buried under a sea of mud.

-Aw, just relax, John.

Probably Mr. Winfield

isn't even there yet.

-Oh, it's no trouble

at all, Mr. Winfield.

Do sit down.

-Thank you.

-I'm sure they must be in

the neighborhood somewhere.

I'll just drive around

and look for them.

-Thank you, Mr. Mitchell.

I'm sorry Wilson isn't back yet.

I was looking forward to

meeting his Uncle Ned.

Is he really as much of a

character as Wilson's painted

him?

-Well, he is rather unusual.

-I know it is rather

unusual, but I am a student.

And your sign here says

"Students half price."

You're a student,

aren't you Dennis?

-Yes sir.

-And so am I. And so I'll have

two student tickets please.

One for little Dennis and

one for little-- uh, for me.

-You're holding up the line.

Would you mind moving along?

-I am not going to budge.

If you folks want to

see a motion picture,

better go home and look at TV.

-All right.

OK, so you're a student.

What school do you go to?

-The Allegheny

Institute of Taxidermy.

I am taking a

correspondence course.

-A correspondence course?

-Yes.

And I mailed in my

homework last night.

A stuffed pheasant.

-Oh hi, Mr. Quigley.

Where you going?

-I'm delivering a

rush order, Dennis.

-Now you take your

stuffed pheasant

and get out of this line!

-What's the matter, Fred?

-Well, this guy wants me to

sell him a student ticket

because he's taking a

correspondence course!

-Well, sell it to him before

you lose your whole theater!

Including the

popcorn concessions.

-Oh now, look here sir!

[horn honking]

-Hey, that's my dad!

-Oh, I'll be right back.

-Oh, won't you excuse me, madam?

Won't you step right

up to the box office?

-One student ticket please.

I'm studying first

aid at the Red Cross.

-I've been looking

all over for you two.

There's a man at the house

very anxious to meet you.

-Really?

Who is it?

-A Mr. Winfield.

-The publisher!

-Publisher?

-Yes, he's going to

publish your nephew's book.

-Indeed.

He thinks he's

going to publish it.

But I'll put a few choice

tidbits in his ear.

-Wouldn't you rather

see the movie?

-I certainly would not.

Mitchell, would you

kindly drive me home?

-Well, sure.

-Thank you.

You coming, Dennis?

-Yes sir.

I sure am sorry to

miss your wedding.

HENRY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!

-It stopped raining.

John, would you

stop that pacing?

[phone ringing]

-It works!

Hello?

Uh, what?

How do I know how

many rings I am?

-Dear, it's a party line.

-This is no time for a party.

Would you please be brief?

I'm trying to keep

this line open.

I have-- well, the

same to you, mac!

Don't people have

other things to do

besides sitting around

gossiping all day?

Hello, are you still talking?

-Dear, they only

started a moment ago.

-This is a matter

of life and death!

-Oh, don't be so dramatic!

-Eloise, have you any

idea what will happen

if Dennis hasn't

kept those two apart?

-Now dear, just calm down.

I'm sure Dennis

will do his best.

-Knowing Dennis' best,

you ask me to calm down?

Hello?

Are you still on

the-- it's free.

It's free!

[dialing phone]

-Operator, operator!

Jumping Jehosaphats!

-Now dear, it could be worse.

You can still get

incoming calls.

-Oh.

Oh.

-I tell you, Mr. Winfield,

this will not be published!

-Well, if that's the

way you feel about it.

-That is exactly the

way I feel about it.

-But Uncle Ned, Mr. Wilson spent

a year working on your life.

-I spent years working on it.

And I'm not going to have

everybody reading it.

-Then I guess Mr. Wilson will

have to give back the $ , .

-Serves him right.

Writing a pack of lies, making

me look like a-- $ , ?

What $ , ?

-Dennis must be

referring to the advance

we paid your nephew on the book.

-$ , ?

-Oh, and that's

merely a token payment

against future royalties.

He'll make considerably

more money than that.

Motion picture rights,

possibly a television series.

It could come to

rather a large sum.

-Really?

-It's a shame to

lose all that money.

-Lose it?

Who said anything

about losing it?

Uh oh, Mr. Winfield,

sit right down.

Sit right down.

Let's talk this thing over, yes.

Motion picture right?

Royalties?

Hmm.

[phone ringing]

-Hello?

Uh yes, this is John Wilson.

Oh yes, put him on.

Dennis?

Everything OK?

-Yes sir.

I've got some good news

for you, Mr. Wilson.

-Fine, fine.

You kept Uncle Ned from

meeting Mr. Winfield.

-Everything's OK, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Winfield's gonna

publish the book.

-Oh, uh, uh, Winfield is

going to publish my book!

-Not your book, Mr. Wilson.

-Uh, uh, not my book, Eloise.

Not my book?

Whose book then?

-Uncle Ned's book.

It's all about his experiences.

-Well, that's what mine's about!

-This one is about

his experiences

with the Queen of Romania.

He's got a great title for it.

-"Hi, Toots!"

That's the title?

Well, thanks just

the same, Dennis.

-Don't hang up, Mr. Wilson.

I've got some more

good news for you.

Uncle Ned told Mr.

Winfield that he

couldn't write the

book without your help.

-Oh, oh he did?

-Yes sir.

He hasn't got a typewriter.

So he's gonna move in with you

for six months and use yours.

Mr. Wilson?

Mr. Wilson?

Oh hi, Mrs. Wilson.

What happened to Mr. Wilson?

He did?

Jeepers, I guess all that good

news was too much for him!

[theme music]