03x01 - The Drake and Josh Inn
Posted: 11/20/23 06:43
Josh: Ok. Drake's A
Pretty Awesome Guy.
Drake: Sometimes
Josh Is Ridiculous.
Josh: But He Doesn't Understand.
The Importance
Of Setting Limits.
Drake: Case In Point...
Josh: Take Last Halloween...
Drake: Last Halloween, Me And.
Josh Went To This Huge Party At
The San Diego Megadome...
Josh: Drake And I Were At This.
Party, Right...
Drake: So I Found A Garbage Bag.
And Loaded It Up With, Like,
Pounds Of Candy.
Josh: And Drake Comes Home With.
This Ginormous Sack Of Candy.
Drake: So Josh Goes On His.
Computer And Prints Out A
Schedule Of When
I Should Eat It.
Josh: So I Created A Compu.
Calendar To Help Drake Plan His
Candy Consumption.
Drake: Yeah. I Was Supposed To.
Eat, Like, Pieces Of Candy
Per Day For The Next Year.
Josh: Then He Locked Me In The.
Closet And Ate The Entire Bag Of
Candy In, Like, A Half Hour.
Drake: Then I Locked Josh In A.
Closet And Ate The
Entire Sack Of Candy.
Josh: And Then He Threw Up.
Drake: I Puked.
Josh: And After
That, He Falls Asleep.
Drake: Then I Fell Asleep,
So Josh Slept In The
Closet That Night.
Josh: Kid's Gotta
Know His Limitations.
Drake: It's Fun Locking
Josh In Closets.
Megan: What?
Drake: ♪ We're Gonna
Be The Boss Of You ♪
Josh: ♪ And You Have
To Do What We Say ♪
Drake: ♪ Ha Ha ♪
Josh: ♪ Ha-Ha Ha Ha ♪
Megan: Ok. You Can't Sing.
You're A Moron. And What Are You
Talking About Anyway?
Drake: We're Talking About The.
Fact That Mom And Dad Are Gonna
Be Out Of Town All Weekend.
Josh: Which Means We Are In.
Charge Of The House...
Drake: The Refrigerator...
Josh: The Tv Set...
Drake: And The You.
Megan: Oh, You
Guys Really Think.
You're Gonna Be In Charge?
Josh: Yeah, We Are.
Drake: In Fact, I've Just.
Decided To Change The Channel.
[Changes Channel]
Megan: I Was Watching Something.
Josh: Um... Were.
Drake: Yeah, Good One.
Megan: Give Me The Remote.
Drake: I Don't Think So, Megan.
In Fact, Why Don't You Just Run
Up To Your... Hey!
Josh: What The?! Megan, You.
Can't Just Flip...
Oh, Yah... Uhh!
[Changes Channel]
Audrey: Ok, Boys, We're
About To Head Out.
Walter: Yeah, We Don't Want To.
Get Caught In
Traffic On The Way To...
Audrey: Ok. Why Are
You Guys On The Floor?
Josh: It's A Long,
Painful Story.
Audrey: All Right. Josh,
Now Here Is All The Information
About The Hotel
We'll Be Staying At.
Walter: So, Come On. Let's
Go. I Don't Want To Be Late.
Audrey: Ok. Um, Oh, And, Boys,
Here's $ . Now That Is For
Food And Emergencies Only.
Josh: Got It.
Walter: And Remember, L.A.'S.
Only Hours Away... Josh: Go.
Drake: Go. Have A Good Time.
Josh: Bye.
Drake: Ok, Megan.
Josh: You Have To Do
All Your Homework...
Megan: Listen To Me.
You Get On One Of My Nerves This
Weekend, And You'll Both Wake Up
Tomorrow Morning
Very Confused In Cuba.
Drake: Maybe We
Shouldn't Bother Her.
Josh: Word.
Drake: Oh, Hey, You
Hear That, Josh?
Josh: What?
Drake: It's Saying, "Spend Me,
Josh. Won't You Spend Me?"
Josh: Money Is Not A Puppet.
Drake: Come On. Josh:
No. All Right, You Heard.
Mom And Dad. This Money Is For
Food And Emergencies Only.
Drake: Yeah, Yeah.
Josh: What?
Drake: Man, How Much Fun Is It.
Spending Bucks?
Josh: Drake, We Have No Money.
Left? How Are We Gonna
Buy Food For Megan?
Drake: [French Accent]
Dinner Is Served.
Drake: ♪ I Never Thought
That It'd Be So Simple,
But I Found A Way,
I Found A Way, And...
If You Open Up Your Mind ♪
Chorus: ♪ See What's Inside ♪
Drake: ♪ It's Gonna Take Some
Time To Realize, But
If You Look Inside,
I'm Sure You'll Find,
Over Your Shoulder, You'll Know
That I Told You I'll Always Be.
Picking You Up When You're Down,
So Just Turn Around... ♪
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh ♪
Man, On Cell Phone:
Sir... Sir, Please?
I Know We Don't Have A
Reservation, But Every Hotel In
Town Is Full. Oh, Ok. I See.
No, Don't You Worry About It.
We Will Be Fine...
Sleeping In The Street!
Drake: You Hear That?
They Need A Place To Stay.
We Can Rent Them A Room At The
House While Mom
And Dad Are Away.
Josh: Hey, That
Is So, So Stupid.
Drake: Come On, Man. It's Gonna.
Be Spring Break All Weekend.
Josh: So?
Drake: So Every Hotel In.
San Diego Is Gonna Be Booked.
I Bet They Give
Us, Like, Bucks.
Josh: Look, We Had Bucks,
All Right, Which You Promptly
Threw Away On Bubble Gum,
A Wristwatch, A Telescope,
And A Mexican Robot.
Drake: Come On. This Is Cool.
[Robot Makes Sound]
Josh: Ok, That Is Pretty Cool.
[Robot Makes Sound]
Drake: Anyway, We Need Money.
Which They Will Pay Us.
Josh: They Wanna Stay At A.
Hotel, All Right?
Not Someone's House.
Drake: So Then We'll Tell Them.
Our House Is One Of Those Fancy
Hotels. You Know, What Do You
Call Them? Bed And Breakfast.
Josh: No.
[Robot Makes Sounds]
Josh: No.
[Robot Makes Sounds]
Josh: No!
[Robot Makes Sounds]
Josh: All Right.
Drake: Terry, Gail,
Right This Way.
Gail: Oh, This Is Lovely.
Drake: Thank You. It's Just A.
Little Place I Like To Call
The Drake And Josh Inn.
Terry: Great.
Terry: So Where Do
We, Uh, Check In?
Drake: Oh, Uh... Here.
Here, Uh, Just...
Go Ahead And Write Down Your
Names And... Other Hotel Stuff,
And Josh Will Take
Your Bags Upstairs.
Josh: Drake.
Drake: We'll Take
Your Bags Upstairs.
Terry: How Great Is It That We.
Found This Place?
Gail: I Know. It's So Nice.
They Really Made It Feel Like
It's Someone's Actual Home.
Terry: Hello.
Megan: Hi.
Gail: How Are You?
Megan: Good.
Terry: Uh, Have You
Been Staying Here Long?
Megan: Kinda.
Gail: How's The Food?
Megan: Drake! Josh!
Drake: Oh, Hey! Can We Talk To.
You In The Kitchen For A Second?
Megan: No. Josh:
Just For A Second.
Megan: No.
Put Me Down!
Josh: Hey!
Megan: You Know I Don't Like.
Being Lifted! And
Who Are Those People?
Drake: They Needed A Hotel.
Megan: And?
Josh: We Sort Of Told Them This.
Was A Hotel.
Megan: Ok, I'm
Calling Mom And Dad.
Drake: Stop Her!
Josh: Now, You May Have The.
Phone Back After We Talk To You.
Megan: I Wouldn't Want That.
Phone Back If I Were Dying On
The Kitchen Floor.
Drake: Where Are You Going?
Do Not Call Mom And Dad.
Megan: I'm Not Gonna Let You.
Turn Our House Into A Hotel.
Unless... Drake: What
Do You Want, Money?
Megan: No. I Don't
Need Your Money.
Drake: All Right. Then What's It
Gonna Take For You To Keep Quiet.
About This? Megan: You
Wanna Pretend This.
House Is A Hotel? Fine. Then I
Wanna Be Treated Like A Guest.
Josh: Huh?
Drake: What?
Megan: You Know, Make My Bed,
Bring Me Food, And
Anything Else I Want.
Josh: No. No Way.
No... Drake: Deal.
Josh: Deal?
Megan: Deal?
Josh: Ok.
[Telephone Rings]
Megan: I Ain't Getting That.
Drake: Me, Neither.
[Ring]
Josh: Hello?
Terry: Thanks.
Josh: Sure.
Terry: Mmm. This Coffee Is So.
Fresh. How Great Is This Place?
Gail: So Great.
Do You Know This.
Is The Nicest Bed And Breakfast
We've Ever Stayed At?
Josh: Just Let Me Know If.
There's Anything I Can Do To
Make Your Stay Here
More Pleasurable.
Gail: Can I Get Some
Honey For My Tea?
Josh: [Southern
Accent] Oh, Sure.
Thing, Honey.
Ma'am.
Drake: Hey, Josh. Josh:
[Regular Voice] Hey.
Drake: How Goes The Hotel Biz?
Josh: Pretty Good. We're Making
Bucks A Night Off These
Guys, And I Kinda
Like Running A Hotel.
Drake: I'm So Psyched To Hear
You Say That, 'Cause I've Been.
Down At The Beach All Morning.
Josh: Doing What? Drake:
Talking To A Bunch Of.
College Kids Who Are Here For
Spring Break With
No Place To Stay.
Josh: So?
Drake: Right In Here, Guys.
Josh: Wha... Wha...
The Girl... How Are You, Girl On
A Cooler? What... Boogie Board?
What... What The... Dog?
Whoa. What The...
Drake, You Can't Let These
People Stay Here.
Drake: Oh, Really? 'Cause About.
Half Of Them Paid In Advance.
Josh: Spring Breakers! Welcome.
To The Drake And Josh Inn!
Whoo!
All: Whoo!
Josh: You Guys Having Fun?
I Know I Am.
There Are More?
Oh. Hi.
Um... Beach Balls... Um, Hi.
[People Talking]
Josh: Oh, Come On, Guys. No.
Throwing Stuff In The Hotel.
Hey! Hey, We Have A
Strict "No Pet" Policy.
[Ruff]
Except For You.
Drake: All Right. That's It.
So Who Else Wants
Some Suntan Lotion, Huh?
[Chuckles] And We Just Ran Out.
Josh: Drake, This Is Out Of.
Control, All Right?
You Gotta Do Something.
[Limbo Music Playing]
Drake: Oh! Can't
Talk. Gotta Limbo.
Terry: Sir?
Josh: Yeah, What?
Terry: You Really Need To Clean.
The Pool. It's
Getting Pretty Dirty.
Josh: What Pool?
Gail: The One Upstairs.
Josh: Pool?!
Josh: Uhh!
Come On, You Guys! No One's
Supposed To Be In Our Room.
Hey, Who Put This Pool In Here?
Boy: Belly Flop!
[All Cheering]
Josh: Don't Even Think About.
Doing A Belly Flop!
All: Go! Go! Go!
Boy: Hey!
[Cheering]
Yeah!
Man: That Was Awesome.
Josh: Excuse Me!
Drake!
Drake, What Are You Doing?
Drake: Oh, Hey. This Is Nikki.
Nikki: Hey, I'm Nikki.
Drake: Yeah, She's In Beauty
School, So I'm Letting Her Give.
Me A Haircut.
Nikki: I Brought My Scissies.
Josh: Wow. That's...
That's Really Cool.
Nikki: I Know.
Josh: Now Go Away!
Drake: Whoa. What's
Your Problem?
Josh: Look, I Want All Of These.
People Out Of Here Now!
Drake: Are You Out Of Your Mind?
They're Paying Us A Fortune,
And I'm Having Fun.
Man: Hey, Man, Is
This Your Guitar?
Drake: [Gasps]
Ok. I Want All Of These People
Out Of Here Now!
Josh: All Right. Let's Do This.
Move! Move! Move! Out Of The
Way. Out Of The Way.
[Unplugs Stereo, Music Stops]
All: Hey! Hey!
Josh: [Fakes Crying] Sorry,
Everybody, All Right?!
But The Drake And Josh Inn Is
Now Officially Closed.
[All Groan]
Yeah, Sorry. So If Everyone Will
Please... Ow!
Drake: Wait! Hey!
What Are You...
[Music Starts]
Josh! Here, Get Up.
Josh: Uhh!
Drake: Here.
Man, How Are We Gonna Get All
These People Out Of Here?
Josh: There's Only One Person.
Tough Enough To
Handle College Kids.
Drake: Ok, You Go Get Help,
And I'm Gonna Stay
Here And Make Sure...
Josh: Helen? Helen!
Helen: What Are You Doing Here?
You're Not Supposed
To Work Today.
Josh: Look, I Need
Your Help, All Right?
Helen: You Wanna
Borrow My Ointment?
Josh: No. Look, I
Have People.
At My House.
Helen: How Much Ointment Do You.
Think I Have?
Josh: No. Look, All Right...
There Was A Party, And... And It
Sort Of Got Out Of Control,
And Now They Won't Leave,
And I Was Hoping Maybe You Could
Come Over And...
And Scare Them Away.
Helen: Ok, Look,
Josh, I Am Your.
Employer, And I Don't Feel It's
My Responsibility To Help You
Out Of Your Personal
Predicaments.
Josh: Please... Helen:
I Am Sorry, Josh.
Josh: You're... You're Right.
Helen: Mm-Hmm.
Josh: I... I Better Get Home.
Before All Those Insane People
Eat Drake Alive. Helen:
Drake's In Trouble?!
Whoa! Coming, Drake!
Move It Now!
[Music Playing]
Drake: Get Off Of...
Megan: Drake! I
Need Another Set.
Of Clean Sheets
Sent Up To My Room.
Drake: What? We Just Sent Clean.
Sheets Up There, Like, Hours
Ago. What Happened To Those?
Man: I'm Sheet Man!
♪ Da Da-Da Da ♪
Megan: I Want These
People Out Of Here!
Drake: So Do We!
Helen: Drake?! Drake?!
Where Is He?
Josh: There He Is!
Helen: Put Him...
You Better Put.
That Boy Down!
Josh: Drake, Are You All Right?
Drake: Uhh. Yeah.
Helen: Oh! Don't Worry, Honey.
Helen's Here. I'm Gonna Make All
These Bad People Go Away.
Drake: Oh, Thank You, Helen.
Man: Oh, Yeah. What's Up, Y'all?
I'm J.D. Warfield, And This Is
Mtv Spring Break Coming At Ya
From Beautiful San
Diego, California.
[Cheering]
Helen: Mtv? Well, I Do Love The.
Music Television.
Josh: Are These Guys
Really From Mtv?
Drake: Yeah, They Showed Up A.
Half Hour Ago.
Helen: ♪ I Want To
Love You, Feel You,
Wrap Myself Around You,
I Want To Squeeze
You, Please You,
I Just Can't Get Enough,
And If You Move Real
Slow, I'll Let It Go ♪
Help Me Out Now.
Drake: Ok, Why Did
You Bring Helen?
Josh: I Thought She'd Make All.
These People Leave.
Drake: Well, That's Not Exactly.
Working, Is It?
Helen: ♪ I'm So Excited ♪
All: Whoo!
Helen: ♪ And I
Just Can't Hide It ♪
All: Whoo!
Helen: ♪ I Know I'm
About To Lose Control,
And I Think He Likes It ♪
All: Whoo!
Josh: This Cannot Get Any Worse.
Drake: Hey! What...
Josh: That's Not Natural!
Walter: ♪ I'm So Excited,
And I Just Can't Hide It,
I'm About To Lose Control,
I Think I Like It,
I'm So Excited ♪
Audrey: What Are You Watching?
Walter: Oh, I Don't Know.
It's, Uh, It's Mtv. It's A Big
Spring Break Thing, I Think.
Audrey: Look At All
Those Insane Kids. Ha.
Walter.
Walter: Huh?
Audrey: Does That...
Does That Look
Like Our Living Room?
Walter: What?
Well, I Guess It Does,
A Little, But There's No Way
That Could Be Our House. I Mean,
Ha, Come On.
[Music Playing]
Josh: Do Not Eat That Cushion!
Oh!
[Telephone Rings]
Whoa!
Get In Here!
Drake: What?! What?!
Josh: Look At The Caller I.D.
Drake: Los Angeles! Mom And Dad?
Josh: Either Them
Or Lindsay Lohan!
Drake: Well, Just Answer It.
Josh: You Gotta Make These.
Freaks Be Quiet First.
[Blows Air Horn]
Drake: Ok, Now, Please, If.
Everyone Could Just Be Quiet
For Seconds, And Then You
Guys Can Make All
The Noise You Want, Ok?
Josh: Hello? Happy Saturday.
Audrey: Josh? Is Anything
Going On There?
Josh: Um, No. Ha Ha.
Nothing To Speak Of.
Audrey: Well, We're Watching Tv,
And We Could Swear We're Looking
At A Wild Party Going On In Our
Living Room.
Josh: It's For You!
Drake: Mom? What's Doing?
Walter: All Right. Drake, I
Don't Know What's Going On,
But We're Coming Home.
Drake: No! No! Uh...
[Hangs Up Phone]
You Can't! It's... Aargh!
Josh: So How's L.A.?
Drake: They're On
Their Way Home.
Josh: Oh! Drake: Man,
If We Don't Get All.
These People Out Of Here In Less
Than Hours,
Our Lives Are Over.
Josh: Well, What
Are We Gonna Do?
Drake And Josh: Megan!
Drake: Ok, What Do We Do?
Megan: Just Push That Thing...
Josh: I'm Pushin' It!
Megan: Now Open Up The Air.
Conditioning Vent.
Drake: Ok, Now What?
Megan: Now Help
Me Put This Hose.
Up Into The Vent.
Josh: Come On. Come On. Come On.
Here. Go, Go, Go.
[Music Playing]
[Blows Air Horn]
[Music Stops] Nikki:
Hey, What's Going On?
Man: Yeah, Crank
The Tunes Back Up.
Drake: Shh. Everyone,
Quiet, Please.
Josh: Ok, We Have An Emergency.
Drake: Uh, Yes. It
Seems We Have.
A Serious Gas Leak Here In The
Drake And Josh Inn.
Man: Oh, Uh, Sorry.
I Think That Was Me.
Josh: No! All Right. There Is A.
Serious Leak Of... Hydro...
Mon-Monoxopuff Gas.
Drake: Yeah. It Makes
Your Eyes Bleed.
Josh: So Everyone Will Please.
Leave The Building Immediately.
Second Man: I Don't Believe 'Em.
Nikki: Yeah. Come
On, Let's Party.
All: Yeah!
Drake: Now!
Megan: Copy.
[Machine Turns On]
Josh: Oh, No! Look!
Drake: It's The Monoxopuff Gas.
Helen: Cover Your Eyes, People.
Cover Your Eyes.
[All Talking]
Josh: Get Out! Get Out!
Helen: You Better Get
Out Of Here! Go On!
Josh: Now Lock It!
Now Hug Me, Brother!
Drake: Oh! They're Home!
Josh: Come On. Quick. Quick.
, , ... .
Drake: Oh, You
Lose A Turn, Josh.
Josh: Rats!
Walter: Ahem.
Megan: Oh. Look Who's Back.
Drake: Hey.
Audrey: Yeah... We're Back.
Drake: So How Come
You Guys Came.
Home So Early?
Walter: We Were
Watching Tv, And We Saw...
Audrey: A Whole Bunch Of Crazy.
College Kids
Partying Like Maniacs.
Walter: And A Dog And A Big.
Hairy Guy With A
Root Beer Bottle...
Audrey: And A Woman
Was Singing R&B Tunes.
Walter: She Had A Lazy Eye.
Audrey: And We Could Have Sworn.
It Looked Just Like Our House.
Drake: Yeah, Ok.
Josh: Come On. We Wouldn't Have.
A Party Without Your Permission.
Walter: Well...
I'm Sorry We Didn't Trust You.
Audrey: We Won't
Doubt You Again.
Walter: Hey, To Make It Up To.
You, Why Don't We All Go Out
For Some Pizza?
Drake: Oh, Great.
Megan: Awesome.
Josh: Uh, But,
Uh... First, Uh...
The Of Us Have To Go Do
Something Upstairs.
Drake: What Do We Have To...
Megan: [Laughs] Be Right Back.
Walter: I Wonder What
That Was All About.
Audrey: Teens Are Crazy.
[Knock On Door]
I Wonder Who That Is.
[Knock]
Walter: Yes, Officers,
Can We Help You?
Officer: Yes. Sir, Do You Know.
It's Against The Law To Host A
Televised Event From A Private
Residence Without A
City-Authorized Permit?
Walter: Huh?
Audrey: We Didn't Host
A Televised Event.
Officer: We Have Evidence
That Says You Did.
Walter: But, Officers...
Officer: Come With Us, Please.
Walter: Hold On...
But You See...
I'm A Weatherman.
Drake: Ok.
Josh: We're Ready.
Megan: Hello?
Josh: And I Cannot
Believe I Let.
You Talk Me Into Spending Our
Money That Was
Supposed To Be For Food.
Drake: I Bought
Gum. Gum Is Food.
Josh: Arrggh!
[Gum Splatters On Floor]
Helen: Josh!
Josh: What?!
Helen: Why Aren't You Working?
Josh: It's My Day Off.
Helen: Oh, And So You Think.
That's An Excuse
Not To Be Working?
Drake: Hey, Helen.
Helen: What Is It?!
Drake: Aah!
Pretty Awesome Guy.
Drake: Sometimes
Josh Is Ridiculous.
Josh: But He Doesn't Understand.
The Importance
Of Setting Limits.
Drake: Case In Point...
Josh: Take Last Halloween...
Drake: Last Halloween, Me And.
Josh Went To This Huge Party At
The San Diego Megadome...
Josh: Drake And I Were At This.
Party, Right...
Drake: So I Found A Garbage Bag.
And Loaded It Up With, Like,
Pounds Of Candy.
Josh: And Drake Comes Home With.
This Ginormous Sack Of Candy.
Drake: So Josh Goes On His.
Computer And Prints Out A
Schedule Of When
I Should Eat It.
Josh: So I Created A Compu.
Calendar To Help Drake Plan His
Candy Consumption.
Drake: Yeah. I Was Supposed To.
Eat, Like, Pieces Of Candy
Per Day For The Next Year.
Josh: Then He Locked Me In The.
Closet And Ate The Entire Bag Of
Candy In, Like, A Half Hour.
Drake: Then I Locked Josh In A.
Closet And Ate The
Entire Sack Of Candy.
Josh: And Then He Threw Up.
Drake: I Puked.
Josh: And After
That, He Falls Asleep.
Drake: Then I Fell Asleep,
So Josh Slept In The
Closet That Night.
Josh: Kid's Gotta
Know His Limitations.
Drake: It's Fun Locking
Josh In Closets.
Megan: What?
Drake: ♪ We're Gonna
Be The Boss Of You ♪
Josh: ♪ And You Have
To Do What We Say ♪
Drake: ♪ Ha Ha ♪
Josh: ♪ Ha-Ha Ha Ha ♪
Megan: Ok. You Can't Sing.
You're A Moron. And What Are You
Talking About Anyway?
Drake: We're Talking About The.
Fact That Mom And Dad Are Gonna
Be Out Of Town All Weekend.
Josh: Which Means We Are In.
Charge Of The House...
Drake: The Refrigerator...
Josh: The Tv Set...
Drake: And The You.
Megan: Oh, You
Guys Really Think.
You're Gonna Be In Charge?
Josh: Yeah, We Are.
Drake: In Fact, I've Just.
Decided To Change The Channel.
[Changes Channel]
Megan: I Was Watching Something.
Josh: Um... Were.
Drake: Yeah, Good One.
Megan: Give Me The Remote.
Drake: I Don't Think So, Megan.
In Fact, Why Don't You Just Run
Up To Your... Hey!
Josh: What The?! Megan, You.
Can't Just Flip...
Oh, Yah... Uhh!
[Changes Channel]
Audrey: Ok, Boys, We're
About To Head Out.
Walter: Yeah, We Don't Want To.
Get Caught In
Traffic On The Way To...
Audrey: Ok. Why Are
You Guys On The Floor?
Josh: It's A Long,
Painful Story.
Audrey: All Right. Josh,
Now Here Is All The Information
About The Hotel
We'll Be Staying At.
Walter: So, Come On. Let's
Go. I Don't Want To Be Late.
Audrey: Ok. Um, Oh, And, Boys,
Here's $ . Now That Is For
Food And Emergencies Only.
Josh: Got It.
Walter: And Remember, L.A.'S.
Only Hours Away... Josh: Go.
Drake: Go. Have A Good Time.
Josh: Bye.
Drake: Ok, Megan.
Josh: You Have To Do
All Your Homework...
Megan: Listen To Me.
You Get On One Of My Nerves This
Weekend, And You'll Both Wake Up
Tomorrow Morning
Very Confused In Cuba.
Drake: Maybe We
Shouldn't Bother Her.
Josh: Word.
Drake: Oh, Hey, You
Hear That, Josh?
Josh: What?
Drake: It's Saying, "Spend Me,
Josh. Won't You Spend Me?"
Josh: Money Is Not A Puppet.
Drake: Come On. Josh:
No. All Right, You Heard.
Mom And Dad. This Money Is For
Food And Emergencies Only.
Drake: Yeah, Yeah.
Josh: What?
Drake: Man, How Much Fun Is It.
Spending Bucks?
Josh: Drake, We Have No Money.
Left? How Are We Gonna
Buy Food For Megan?
Drake: [French Accent]
Dinner Is Served.
Drake: ♪ I Never Thought
That It'd Be So Simple,
But I Found A Way,
I Found A Way, And...
If You Open Up Your Mind ♪
Chorus: ♪ See What's Inside ♪
Drake: ♪ It's Gonna Take Some
Time To Realize, But
If You Look Inside,
I'm Sure You'll Find,
Over Your Shoulder, You'll Know
That I Told You I'll Always Be.
Picking You Up When You're Down,
So Just Turn Around... ♪
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh ♪
Man, On Cell Phone:
Sir... Sir, Please?
I Know We Don't Have A
Reservation, But Every Hotel In
Town Is Full. Oh, Ok. I See.
No, Don't You Worry About It.
We Will Be Fine...
Sleeping In The Street!
Drake: You Hear That?
They Need A Place To Stay.
We Can Rent Them A Room At The
House While Mom
And Dad Are Away.
Josh: Hey, That
Is So, So Stupid.
Drake: Come On, Man. It's Gonna.
Be Spring Break All Weekend.
Josh: So?
Drake: So Every Hotel In.
San Diego Is Gonna Be Booked.
I Bet They Give
Us, Like, Bucks.
Josh: Look, We Had Bucks,
All Right, Which You Promptly
Threw Away On Bubble Gum,
A Wristwatch, A Telescope,
And A Mexican Robot.
Drake: Come On. This Is Cool.
[Robot Makes Sound]
Josh: Ok, That Is Pretty Cool.
[Robot Makes Sound]
Drake: Anyway, We Need Money.
Which They Will Pay Us.
Josh: They Wanna Stay At A.
Hotel, All Right?
Not Someone's House.
Drake: So Then We'll Tell Them.
Our House Is One Of Those Fancy
Hotels. You Know, What Do You
Call Them? Bed And Breakfast.
Josh: No.
[Robot Makes Sounds]
Josh: No.
[Robot Makes Sounds]
Josh: No!
[Robot Makes Sounds]
Josh: All Right.
Drake: Terry, Gail,
Right This Way.
Gail: Oh, This Is Lovely.
Drake: Thank You. It's Just A.
Little Place I Like To Call
The Drake And Josh Inn.
Terry: Great.
Terry: So Where Do
We, Uh, Check In?
Drake: Oh, Uh... Here.
Here, Uh, Just...
Go Ahead And Write Down Your
Names And... Other Hotel Stuff,
And Josh Will Take
Your Bags Upstairs.
Josh: Drake.
Drake: We'll Take
Your Bags Upstairs.
Terry: How Great Is It That We.
Found This Place?
Gail: I Know. It's So Nice.
They Really Made It Feel Like
It's Someone's Actual Home.
Terry: Hello.
Megan: Hi.
Gail: How Are You?
Megan: Good.
Terry: Uh, Have You
Been Staying Here Long?
Megan: Kinda.
Gail: How's The Food?
Megan: Drake! Josh!
Drake: Oh, Hey! Can We Talk To.
You In The Kitchen For A Second?
Megan: No. Josh:
Just For A Second.
Megan: No.
Put Me Down!
Josh: Hey!
Megan: You Know I Don't Like.
Being Lifted! And
Who Are Those People?
Drake: They Needed A Hotel.
Megan: And?
Josh: We Sort Of Told Them This.
Was A Hotel.
Megan: Ok, I'm
Calling Mom And Dad.
Drake: Stop Her!
Josh: Now, You May Have The.
Phone Back After We Talk To You.
Megan: I Wouldn't Want That.
Phone Back If I Were Dying On
The Kitchen Floor.
Drake: Where Are You Going?
Do Not Call Mom And Dad.
Megan: I'm Not Gonna Let You.
Turn Our House Into A Hotel.
Unless... Drake: What
Do You Want, Money?
Megan: No. I Don't
Need Your Money.
Drake: All Right. Then What's It
Gonna Take For You To Keep Quiet.
About This? Megan: You
Wanna Pretend This.
House Is A Hotel? Fine. Then I
Wanna Be Treated Like A Guest.
Josh: Huh?
Drake: What?
Megan: You Know, Make My Bed,
Bring Me Food, And
Anything Else I Want.
Josh: No. No Way.
No... Drake: Deal.
Josh: Deal?
Megan: Deal?
Josh: Ok.
[Telephone Rings]
Megan: I Ain't Getting That.
Drake: Me, Neither.
[Ring]
Josh: Hello?
Terry: Thanks.
Josh: Sure.
Terry: Mmm. This Coffee Is So.
Fresh. How Great Is This Place?
Gail: So Great.
Do You Know This.
Is The Nicest Bed And Breakfast
We've Ever Stayed At?
Josh: Just Let Me Know If.
There's Anything I Can Do To
Make Your Stay Here
More Pleasurable.
Gail: Can I Get Some
Honey For My Tea?
Josh: [Southern
Accent] Oh, Sure.
Thing, Honey.
Ma'am.
Drake: Hey, Josh. Josh:
[Regular Voice] Hey.
Drake: How Goes The Hotel Biz?
Josh: Pretty Good. We're Making
Bucks A Night Off These
Guys, And I Kinda
Like Running A Hotel.
Drake: I'm So Psyched To Hear
You Say That, 'Cause I've Been.
Down At The Beach All Morning.
Josh: Doing What? Drake:
Talking To A Bunch Of.
College Kids Who Are Here For
Spring Break With
No Place To Stay.
Josh: So?
Drake: Right In Here, Guys.
Josh: Wha... Wha...
The Girl... How Are You, Girl On
A Cooler? What... Boogie Board?
What... What The... Dog?
Whoa. What The...
Drake, You Can't Let These
People Stay Here.
Drake: Oh, Really? 'Cause About.
Half Of Them Paid In Advance.
Josh: Spring Breakers! Welcome.
To The Drake And Josh Inn!
Whoo!
All: Whoo!
Josh: You Guys Having Fun?
I Know I Am.
There Are More?
Oh. Hi.
Um... Beach Balls... Um, Hi.
[People Talking]
Josh: Oh, Come On, Guys. No.
Throwing Stuff In The Hotel.
Hey! Hey, We Have A
Strict "No Pet" Policy.
[Ruff]
Except For You.
Drake: All Right. That's It.
So Who Else Wants
Some Suntan Lotion, Huh?
[Chuckles] And We Just Ran Out.
Josh: Drake, This Is Out Of.
Control, All Right?
You Gotta Do Something.
[Limbo Music Playing]
Drake: Oh! Can't
Talk. Gotta Limbo.
Terry: Sir?
Josh: Yeah, What?
Terry: You Really Need To Clean.
The Pool. It's
Getting Pretty Dirty.
Josh: What Pool?
Gail: The One Upstairs.
Josh: Pool?!
Josh: Uhh!
Come On, You Guys! No One's
Supposed To Be In Our Room.
Hey, Who Put This Pool In Here?
Boy: Belly Flop!
[All Cheering]
Josh: Don't Even Think About.
Doing A Belly Flop!
All: Go! Go! Go!
Boy: Hey!
[Cheering]
Yeah!
Man: That Was Awesome.
Josh: Excuse Me!
Drake!
Drake, What Are You Doing?
Drake: Oh, Hey. This Is Nikki.
Nikki: Hey, I'm Nikki.
Drake: Yeah, She's In Beauty
School, So I'm Letting Her Give.
Me A Haircut.
Nikki: I Brought My Scissies.
Josh: Wow. That's...
That's Really Cool.
Nikki: I Know.
Josh: Now Go Away!
Drake: Whoa. What's
Your Problem?
Josh: Look, I Want All Of These.
People Out Of Here Now!
Drake: Are You Out Of Your Mind?
They're Paying Us A Fortune,
And I'm Having Fun.
Man: Hey, Man, Is
This Your Guitar?
Drake: [Gasps]
Ok. I Want All Of These People
Out Of Here Now!
Josh: All Right. Let's Do This.
Move! Move! Move! Out Of The
Way. Out Of The Way.
[Unplugs Stereo, Music Stops]
All: Hey! Hey!
Josh: [Fakes Crying] Sorry,
Everybody, All Right?!
But The Drake And Josh Inn Is
Now Officially Closed.
[All Groan]
Yeah, Sorry. So If Everyone Will
Please... Ow!
Drake: Wait! Hey!
What Are You...
[Music Starts]
Josh! Here, Get Up.
Josh: Uhh!
Drake: Here.
Man, How Are We Gonna Get All
These People Out Of Here?
Josh: There's Only One Person.
Tough Enough To
Handle College Kids.
Drake: Ok, You Go Get Help,
And I'm Gonna Stay
Here And Make Sure...
Josh: Helen? Helen!
Helen: What Are You Doing Here?
You're Not Supposed
To Work Today.
Josh: Look, I Need
Your Help, All Right?
Helen: You Wanna
Borrow My Ointment?
Josh: No. Look, I
Have People.
At My House.
Helen: How Much Ointment Do You.
Think I Have?
Josh: No. Look, All Right...
There Was A Party, And... And It
Sort Of Got Out Of Control,
And Now They Won't Leave,
And I Was Hoping Maybe You Could
Come Over And...
And Scare Them Away.
Helen: Ok, Look,
Josh, I Am Your.
Employer, And I Don't Feel It's
My Responsibility To Help You
Out Of Your Personal
Predicaments.
Josh: Please... Helen:
I Am Sorry, Josh.
Josh: You're... You're Right.
Helen: Mm-Hmm.
Josh: I... I Better Get Home.
Before All Those Insane People
Eat Drake Alive. Helen:
Drake's In Trouble?!
Whoa! Coming, Drake!
Move It Now!
[Music Playing]
Drake: Get Off Of...
Megan: Drake! I
Need Another Set.
Of Clean Sheets
Sent Up To My Room.
Drake: What? We Just Sent Clean.
Sheets Up There, Like, Hours
Ago. What Happened To Those?
Man: I'm Sheet Man!
♪ Da Da-Da Da ♪
Megan: I Want These
People Out Of Here!
Drake: So Do We!
Helen: Drake?! Drake?!
Where Is He?
Josh: There He Is!
Helen: Put Him...
You Better Put.
That Boy Down!
Josh: Drake, Are You All Right?
Drake: Uhh. Yeah.
Helen: Oh! Don't Worry, Honey.
Helen's Here. I'm Gonna Make All
These Bad People Go Away.
Drake: Oh, Thank You, Helen.
Man: Oh, Yeah. What's Up, Y'all?
I'm J.D. Warfield, And This Is
Mtv Spring Break Coming At Ya
From Beautiful San
Diego, California.
[Cheering]
Helen: Mtv? Well, I Do Love The.
Music Television.
Josh: Are These Guys
Really From Mtv?
Drake: Yeah, They Showed Up A.
Half Hour Ago.
Helen: ♪ I Want To
Love You, Feel You,
Wrap Myself Around You,
I Want To Squeeze
You, Please You,
I Just Can't Get Enough,
And If You Move Real
Slow, I'll Let It Go ♪
Help Me Out Now.
Drake: Ok, Why Did
You Bring Helen?
Josh: I Thought She'd Make All.
These People Leave.
Drake: Well, That's Not Exactly.
Working, Is It?
Helen: ♪ I'm So Excited ♪
All: Whoo!
Helen: ♪ And I
Just Can't Hide It ♪
All: Whoo!
Helen: ♪ I Know I'm
About To Lose Control,
And I Think He Likes It ♪
All: Whoo!
Josh: This Cannot Get Any Worse.
Drake: Hey! What...
Josh: That's Not Natural!
Walter: ♪ I'm So Excited,
And I Just Can't Hide It,
I'm About To Lose Control,
I Think I Like It,
I'm So Excited ♪
Audrey: What Are You Watching?
Walter: Oh, I Don't Know.
It's, Uh, It's Mtv. It's A Big
Spring Break Thing, I Think.
Audrey: Look At All
Those Insane Kids. Ha.
Walter.
Walter: Huh?
Audrey: Does That...
Does That Look
Like Our Living Room?
Walter: What?
Well, I Guess It Does,
A Little, But There's No Way
That Could Be Our House. I Mean,
Ha, Come On.
[Music Playing]
Josh: Do Not Eat That Cushion!
Oh!
[Telephone Rings]
Whoa!
Get In Here!
Drake: What?! What?!
Josh: Look At The Caller I.D.
Drake: Los Angeles! Mom And Dad?
Josh: Either Them
Or Lindsay Lohan!
Drake: Well, Just Answer It.
Josh: You Gotta Make These.
Freaks Be Quiet First.
[Blows Air Horn]
Drake: Ok, Now, Please, If.
Everyone Could Just Be Quiet
For Seconds, And Then You
Guys Can Make All
The Noise You Want, Ok?
Josh: Hello? Happy Saturday.
Audrey: Josh? Is Anything
Going On There?
Josh: Um, No. Ha Ha.
Nothing To Speak Of.
Audrey: Well, We're Watching Tv,
And We Could Swear We're Looking
At A Wild Party Going On In Our
Living Room.
Josh: It's For You!
Drake: Mom? What's Doing?
Walter: All Right. Drake, I
Don't Know What's Going On,
But We're Coming Home.
Drake: No! No! Uh...
[Hangs Up Phone]
You Can't! It's... Aargh!
Josh: So How's L.A.?
Drake: They're On
Their Way Home.
Josh: Oh! Drake: Man,
If We Don't Get All.
These People Out Of Here In Less
Than Hours,
Our Lives Are Over.
Josh: Well, What
Are We Gonna Do?
Drake And Josh: Megan!
Drake: Ok, What Do We Do?
Megan: Just Push That Thing...
Josh: I'm Pushin' It!
Megan: Now Open Up The Air.
Conditioning Vent.
Drake: Ok, Now What?
Megan: Now Help
Me Put This Hose.
Up Into The Vent.
Josh: Come On. Come On. Come On.
Here. Go, Go, Go.
[Music Playing]
[Blows Air Horn]
[Music Stops] Nikki:
Hey, What's Going On?
Man: Yeah, Crank
The Tunes Back Up.
Drake: Shh. Everyone,
Quiet, Please.
Josh: Ok, We Have An Emergency.
Drake: Uh, Yes. It
Seems We Have.
A Serious Gas Leak Here In The
Drake And Josh Inn.
Man: Oh, Uh, Sorry.
I Think That Was Me.
Josh: No! All Right. There Is A.
Serious Leak Of... Hydro...
Mon-Monoxopuff Gas.
Drake: Yeah. It Makes
Your Eyes Bleed.
Josh: So Everyone Will Please.
Leave The Building Immediately.
Second Man: I Don't Believe 'Em.
Nikki: Yeah. Come
On, Let's Party.
All: Yeah!
Drake: Now!
Megan: Copy.
[Machine Turns On]
Josh: Oh, No! Look!
Drake: It's The Monoxopuff Gas.
Helen: Cover Your Eyes, People.
Cover Your Eyes.
[All Talking]
Josh: Get Out! Get Out!
Helen: You Better Get
Out Of Here! Go On!
Josh: Now Lock It!
Now Hug Me, Brother!
Drake: Oh! They're Home!
Josh: Come On. Quick. Quick.
, , ... .
Drake: Oh, You
Lose A Turn, Josh.
Josh: Rats!
Walter: Ahem.
Megan: Oh. Look Who's Back.
Drake: Hey.
Audrey: Yeah... We're Back.
Drake: So How Come
You Guys Came.
Home So Early?
Walter: We Were
Watching Tv, And We Saw...
Audrey: A Whole Bunch Of Crazy.
College Kids
Partying Like Maniacs.
Walter: And A Dog And A Big.
Hairy Guy With A
Root Beer Bottle...
Audrey: And A Woman
Was Singing R&B Tunes.
Walter: She Had A Lazy Eye.
Audrey: And We Could Have Sworn.
It Looked Just Like Our House.
Drake: Yeah, Ok.
Josh: Come On. We Wouldn't Have.
A Party Without Your Permission.
Walter: Well...
I'm Sorry We Didn't Trust You.
Audrey: We Won't
Doubt You Again.
Walter: Hey, To Make It Up To.
You, Why Don't We All Go Out
For Some Pizza?
Drake: Oh, Great.
Megan: Awesome.
Josh: Uh, But,
Uh... First, Uh...
The Of Us Have To Go Do
Something Upstairs.
Drake: What Do We Have To...
Megan: [Laughs] Be Right Back.
Walter: I Wonder What
That Was All About.
Audrey: Teens Are Crazy.
[Knock On Door]
I Wonder Who That Is.
[Knock]
Walter: Yes, Officers,
Can We Help You?
Officer: Yes. Sir, Do You Know.
It's Against The Law To Host A
Televised Event From A Private
Residence Without A
City-Authorized Permit?
Walter: Huh?
Audrey: We Didn't Host
A Televised Event.
Officer: We Have Evidence
That Says You Did.
Walter: But, Officers...
Officer: Come With Us, Please.
Walter: Hold On...
But You See...
I'm A Weatherman.
Drake: Ok.
Josh: We're Ready.
Megan: Hello?
Josh: And I Cannot
Believe I Let.
You Talk Me Into Spending Our
Money That Was
Supposed To Be For Food.
Drake: I Bought
Gum. Gum Is Food.
Josh: Arrggh!
[Gum Splatters On Floor]
Helen: Josh!
Josh: What?!
Helen: Why Aren't You Working?
Josh: It's My Day Off.
Helen: Oh, And So You Think.
That's An Excuse
Not To Be Working?
Drake: Hey, Helen.
Helen: What Is It?!
Drake: Aah!