03x06 - Playing the Field
Posted: 11/20/23 15:48
Josh: when I was in the third
Grade, I had the cutest little
Turtle ever.
Drake: when I was a little kid,
I had the hottest baby-sitter
Ever.
Josh: his name was sheldon.
Drake: her name was debbie.
I remember she used to like to
Eat grapes.
Josh: I remember he used to love
To eat bugs.
Drake: and whenever I'd get
Scared...she'd hold my hand.
Josh: whenever he'd get scared,
He'd...pee in my hand.
Drake: but then debbie moved to
Wisconsin.
Josh: but then one day
Sheldon...passed on.
Drake: so my mom got me a new
Baby-sitter.
Josh: so my dad bought me a
Lizard.
Drake: her name was mrs. Finkle.
Josh: his name was julio.
Drake: she used to make me eat
Warm tuna fish and watch
Educational television.
Josh: he used to climb up my
Chest and bite my throat!
Drake: and the more I hated that
Old lady...
Josh: and the more I hated that
Vicious lizard...
Drake: the more I missed debbie.
Josh: the more I missed sheldon.
Drake: I guess I never really
Appreciated debbie...
Josh: I guess I never realized
How much I loved sheldon...
Drake: till she was gone.
Josh: until julio tried to [span]k*ll[/span]
Josh: until julio tried to [span]k*ll me![/Span]
Me!
Me! Drake: ok, open.
Drake: ok, open.
Tori: um...green apple?
Tori: um...green apple? Drake: excellent. Open.
Drake: excellent. Open.
Tori: cherry.
Drake: more specific, please.
Tori: very cherry?
Tori: very cherry? Drake: very good.
Drake: very good.
Tori: hmm. Hot guy lips?
Drake: that is correct.
We also would have accepted
Extremely hot guy lips.
Tori: hey, get me a soda?
Both: mocha cola, extra ice.
Tori: wow, you're good.
Drake: yeah, we also would've
Accepted extremely good.
Hey, josh. Aah!
Josh: look, you can "aah" all
You want, all right? I like my
Mustache.
Drake: oh, come on. Grammy has
More hair on her upper lip than
That.
Josh: do not make fun of
Grammy's hormonal imbalances!
Drake: ooh, sorry. Why don't
You just shave that thing off?
Josh: no. Ever since I've grown
This mustache, people treat me
Differently. I get more respect.
Gavin: hey, josh, helen wants
You to go down to the basement
And empty the rat traps.
Josh: you see? Helen never let
Me do that before. The power...
Of the 'stache.
Drake: if you say so.
Josh: you know, you should think
About growing a mustache. I bet
Your girlfriend would think it's
Cool.
Drake: ow, ow, ow! Don't say
"Girlfriend."
Josh: why not?
Drake: because tori and I are
Just dating. I don't like the
Word "girlfriend."
Josh: mindy's my [span]girlfriend.[/Span]
I don't have a problem saying
It.
Drake: oh, josh, how can I
Explain this to you? You see,
Girls are a lot like...candy.
Josh: candy?
Drake: right. Let's say tori is
The megathon bar.
Josh: tori is the megathon bar.
Drake: great candy bar, right?
Josh: sure.
Drake: yeah, but I wouldn't want
This to be the only candy in my
Life, would you?
Josh: no.
Drake: exactly. I mean, some
Days we'd want a flutter
Nutter...
Josh: sure.
Drake: other days some
Squiggles...
Josh: I like the squiggles.
Drake: and dweebs and puddycats
And melon ms.
Josh: all right, will you cut to
The chase?
Drake: sure. You see, we as men
Can enjoy the megathon bar
Whenever we want, but that
Doesn't mean we have to make it
Our [span]candyfriend.[/Span]
Tori: hey.
Drake: oh, hey. I was just
Getting your soda.
Tori: thanks, but my mom just
Called and she wants me to get
Home, so I better--were you just
Buying me all this candy?
Drake: well, i--
Tori: that is so sweet of you.
Is he the cutest boyfriend or
What?
Drake: boyfriend?
Drake: boyfriend? Tori: the cutest.
Tori: the cutest.
Josh: looks like all you got is
A megathon bar.
A megathon bar. Gavin: I got it.
Gavin: I got it.
♪ I never thought that it'd be
So simple, but I found a way,
I found a way,
I found a way, if you open up your mind ♪
If you open up your mind ♪
♪ It's gonna take some time
To realize,
But if you look inside,
I'm sure you'll find,
Over your shoulder,
You know that I told you
I'll always be picking you up
When you're down,
When you're down, so just turn around ♪
So just turn around ♪
So just turn around ♪ ♪ ooh ooh oooooooh
♪ Ooh ooh oooooooh
Josh: what?
Megan: so, are you two, like,
Dating now?
Mindy: yeah.
Josh: yes, we are.
Megan: why?
Josh: I happen to find mindy
Very appealing.
Megan: oh, I understand that.
I'm trying to figure out what's
Gone wrong in [span]her[/span]head.
Mindy: megan, I know it's hard
For you to understand, but I
Think josh is very smart, funny,
Interesting, and cute.
Megan: did you put something in
Her food?
Josh: all right, that's it! Out!
Megan: wait. Can I just take a
Few pictures of you first?
Josh: sure. What for?
Megan: it's for a school paper.
I'm writing about how facial
Hair makes some people look more
Attractive.
Josh: oh.
Megan: and how it makes others
Look more stupid.
Josh: out!
Josh: out! Megan: ooh, that was a good one.
Megan: ooh, that was a good one.
Josh: I am so tired of her and
Drake bugging me about my
'Stache.
Mindy: uh-huh.
Josh: what does "uh-huh" mean?
Mindy: just uh-huh.
Josh: no, that wasn't just an
Uh-huh uh-huh. That was a
[Span]uh-huh[/span]uh-huh.
Mindy: no, no.
Josh: you hate my 'stache.
Mindy: oh, hate is a very
Strong...accurate word.
Josh: mindy...
Mindy: kidding. I was kidding. I
Like it. Seriously.
Josh: you do?
Mindy: sure. I'll give you
Bucks to shave it off.
Josh: oh...
Drake: hey, josh.
Josh: ahem.
Drake: yeah?
Josh: mindy's here.
Drake: oh, right. I'll call the
Exterminator.
Mindy: oh, what's the matter,
Drake? You feeling stressed
About having a girlfriend?
Drake: tori is not my
Girlfriend.
Mindy: that's not what I hear.
Drake: yeah, well, it doesn't
Matter what you hear because I'm
Gonna break up with her tomorrow
At school.
Josh: how come?
Drake: you heard her call me her
Boyfriend. Something has to be
Done. In fact, I'm just gonna
Break up with her right now.
Mindy: you can't end a
Relationship with a phone call.
Drake: duh. I'm gonna text
Message her.
Josh: just tell her in person.
Drake: I can't, man. I mean,
What if she's a crier? I can't
Handle it when a girl cries.
Mindy: sure you can. You just
Mindy: sure you can. You just need practice. Drake.
Need practice. Drake.
All right, now, josh, you be
Tori. Drake, you be you.
Josh: [whining] I wanted to be
Drake.
Mindy: too bad. Ready, set,
Break up.
Drake: all right. Uh, tori?
Josh: [exaggerated whiny voice]
What is it, drake?
Drake: ok, I can't do this if
He's gonna talk like that.
Josh: I'm being a girl.
Drake: what girl has a
Mustache other than your
Grandmother?
Josh: that tears it! Aah!
Mindy: stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it! All right?
Stop it! Stop it! All right? Just do this.
Just do this.
Drake: [sighs] tori...
Josh: [high voice] mm-hmm?
Josh: [high voice] mm-hmm? Mindy: now take her hands.
Mindy: now take her hands.
Drake: now, I really like you.
I--
Josh: [giddily] ohhhh. Ha ha.
Drake: but I think we're gonna
Have to break up.
[Crying, sobbing]
Drake: see, I can't handle that.
Mindy: just keep going. You can
Handle it.
Drake: i--i--look, I just think
I need to date other people.
And you should, too.
Josh: well, I guess I
Understand.
Drake: uh, just one more thing.
Josh: yes?
Josh: shave off the mustache!
Josh: shave off the mustache! Josh: out!
Josh: out!
Drake: tori?
Tori: oh, hey, drake.
Drake: uh, you got a sec to
Talk?
Talk? Tori: yeah, sure.
Tori: yeah, sure.
Drake: [sighs] tori...
Tori: you're breaking up with
Me?
Drake: ok, how did you know
That?
Tori: because guys just don't
Go, [sighs] "tori," unless
They're dumping you.
Drake: well, I wouldn't say I'm
Dumping you.
Tori: you're not dumping me?
Drake: no, I am. I--i just
Wouldn't say it.
Tori: look, I get it. You want
To date other people.
Drake: well...
Tori: it's cool. Seriously, no
Hard feelings.
Drake: you are awesome. Want to
Make out a little bit?
Tori: I don't think so.
See you later, drake. Hug
See you later, drake. Hug good-bye?
Good-bye?
Man: whassup?
Man: whassup? Josh: whassup?
Josh: whassup?
Mindy: happy saturday.
Josh: hey, what brings you to
The premiere?
Mindy: I just thought I'd bring
You a little lunch.
Josh: whoa. How cool are you?
Let's see, we got a little ham
And cheese action.
Mindy: cheddar.
Josh: some apple wedges.
Mindy: with the caramel dippin'
Sauce.
Josh: I say [span]caramel,[/span]but all
Right. Juice box.
Mindy: with bendy straw.
Josh: and for dessert...
Shaving cream and a razor.
Yeah, so I'm gonna skip dessert.
Mindy: come on, josh, just shave
It off.
Josh: no. All right, my 'stache
Has changed my whole life.
Mindy: how?
Josh: see that cool-looking guy
Standing over there?
Mindy: yeah.
Josh: minutes ago, he walked
Right by me, saw my 'stache,
Said, "'sup?"
Mindy: so you like the mustache
Because it helps you meet
Strange men.
Josh: no. It just sort of ups my
Cool 'cause--'cause a guy like
That doesn't just go walking
Around handing out 'sups.
Mindy: right. Of course not.
Josh: I appreciate the lunch,
But I gotta get back to work.
Mindy: ok.
Mindy: ok. Josh: later.
Josh: later.
Josh: what?
Mindy: look, I hate to do this,
Josh, but I am not kissing you
Until you shave off that
Mustache.
Josh: well, I'm not shavin' my
'Stache until you kiss me.
Mindy: fine.
Josh: fine. But know this, mindy
Crenshaw. I went years
Without kissing a girl. I could
Wait.
Wait. Man: 'sup?
Man: 'sup?
Man: 'sup? Drake: I'll call you.
Drake: I'll call you.
Hello.
Josh: what are you so giddy
Josh: what are you so giddy about?
About?
About? A girl's phone number?
A girl's phone number?
Girls' phone numbers?
Drake: yup. There's a lot of
Candy out there, josh, and you
Are looking at mr. Willy wonka.
Josh: ex-girlfriend-- o'clock.
Oh, wow.
Drake: yeah, there's tori.
Josh: yeah, but...
Look, she's with another guy.
Drake: doesn't bother me.
Josh: really? He's a pretty
Good-looking dude.
Drake: I guess, but it still
Doesn't bother me.
Josh: how about that?
Josh: how about that? Drake: yeah, that bothers me.
Drake: yeah, that bothers me.
Drake: josh, you're not gonna
Believe--
Josh: believe what?
Drake: were you just combing
Your mustache?
Josh: no.
Drake: so what's in your hand?
Josh: ooh, uh, it's just a comb
For, uh...for my hair.
Drake: uh-huh.
Josh: what do you want?
Drake: would you look at tori?
Josh: yeah. She's with that guy
Again.
Drake: no, that's a different
Guy.
Josh: what's your problem?
You're the one that broke up
With her.
Drake: yeah, I know, but I
Just--i feel kind of weird about
This.
Oh, hey. She's alone. I'm gonna
Go talk to her.
Josh: what for?
Drake: to get back together.
Josh: drake, you don't get back
With a girl just because you're
Jealous of her new boyfriends.
Drake: yeah, true...
But I'm gonna do it anyway.
Hello, tori.
Tori: what's up, drake?
Drake: so I've been thinking I
Might get back together with
You.
Tori: I see, and do I have any
Say in this?
Drake: yeah, you can say ok.
Tori: yeah, I don't think so,
Drake.
Drake: but I'm drake.
Tori: yes, but I'm having a
Really good time dating
Different guys. You know,
Playing the field.
Drake: I'm in a band.
Tori: bye, drake.
Drake: josh, you're not gonna
Drake: josh, you're not gonna believe what just--
Believe what just--
Mindy: josh?
Josh: I'm not shaving it off.
Mindy: ok, josh.
You know, it's been about
Weeks since we kissed.
Josh: mindy, I waited years,
Long kissless years. You'll
Give in way before I do.
Mindy: really?
Why, what's this?
Oh, it's my new lip gloss. Mmm.
Apricot. Do you like the smell
Of apricots, josh?
Josh: I say a-pricot.
Mindy: smell the gloss, josh.
Josh: oh!
Mindy: to kiss me, all you gotta
Do is shave.
Josh: no! Mm!
Mindy: ok, what are you doing?
Mindy: ok, what are you doing? Josh: runnin' off my desires!
Josh: runnin' off my desires!
Drake: running off his desires?
Mindy: yeah.
Josh: [takes deep breath]
Yeah, that's enough exercise...
For the year.
[Drake sighs]
Mindy: wow. Big sigh.
Drake: yeah, I've sighed bigger.
Mindy: so what's wrong?
Drake: ok, you're kind of a
Girl, right?
Mindy: well, if not, I've been
Buying the wrong underwear.
Drake: well, do you know that
Girl I was dating?
Mindy: ohh, yes. Josh told me
The whole story. You dumped her.
She's dating new guys. You're a
Jealous mess.
Drake: so how do I get her back?
Mindy: drake, you got jealous
When you saw her on a date.
Drake: right.
Mindy: so to make her jealous,
You...
Drake: put a stink b*mb in her
Backpack.
Or...
Mindy: do I have to spell this
Out for you?
Drake: would you?
Mindy: you date someone else to
Make her jealous!
Drake: oh, right! And where do I
Put the stink b*mb?
Mindy: I'll tell you where to
Put it!
Josh: mindy.
Mindy: uh, I'm gonna go get a
Bottle of water.
Josh: make that , please.
Mindy: hey, megan.
Megan: hey.
Mindy: whatcha doin'?
Megan: cutting up a pineapple.
Mindy: I see.
Listen, you want to make $?
Listen, you want to make $? Megan: keep talking.
Megan: keep talking.
[Shaver buzzes]
Drake: what's going on?
[Turns off shaver]
Megan?
Megan: hey.
Drake: what are you doing in our
Room?
Megan: i, uh...ha ha...
Forgot to give josh a hug good
Night. Sweet, sweet josh. Sleep
Tight, little boob. Well, good
Tight, little boob. Well, good night.
Night.
Drake: josh, is tori here?
Josh: um...uh, yeah, she's over
There with another good-looking
Guy.
Drake: oh, good, 'cause I got a
Hot date coming here any--
What happened to the other half
Of your mustache?
Josh: I just woke up this
Morning and it was gone.
Drake: well, then, why don't you
Shave off the other half?
Josh: no. All right, that's just
What mindy wants me to do.
Drake: dude, if you shave it
Off, she will kiss you.
Josh: well, there are more
Important things in life than
Kissing girls.
Drake: name .
Josh: I can't!
Drake: if you have to keep your
Dumb mustache, come here.
Josh: what are you doing?
Drake: re-staching you.
Drake: re-staching you. Josh: ow!
Josh: ow!
Do I look good?
Drake: uh-huh.
Ooh! Here comes liza.
Josh: hot liza?
Drake: the hottest. You think
She'll make tori jealous, huh?
Josh: huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!
Liza: hey, drake.
Drake: hey, liza.
You know my brother josh.
Liza: sure, hey, jo--
What's up with his--
What's up with his-- drake: uh, come with me.
Drake: uh, come with me.
Liza: aah!
Drake: ohh! Sorry. Um...
Sorry about that.
Liza: it's ok.
So what made you want to ask me
Out all of a sudden?
Drake: uh, you know, I just
Wanted to get to know you
Better. So tell me about you.
Liza: um, well, I'm a people
Person and I love animals.
Drake: that's nice.
Liza: my dad's in the m*llitary,
So when I was little, we used to
Move from city...
To city. And then I moved to
San diego and I got into teen
Modeling...
But what I really want to do is
Start acting and maybe move to
L.a. One day.
[Drake groaning and banging]
Tori: drake?
Drake: tori? I didn't know you
Were here.
Tori: yeah, I'm just here with
My friend brent.
Drake: oh, that's nice. I'm just
Here with my friend hot liza.
Liza: huh?
Drake: she's a teen model, she
Loves animals, and she's in the
m*llitary.
Liza: no, my dad's in the
m*llitary.
Drake: shh. I was just gonna go
Get us something to drink.
Liza: me, too. I'll walk with
You.
Drake: you want anything?
Liza: oh, yeah. Can you get me a
Large--
Drake: oh, they're out of that.
So what do you think of liza?
Pretty hot, huh?
Tori: drake, by any chance, did
You bring liza here to try and
Make me jealous?
Drake: no. I--i care deeply
About her.
Tori: yeah? What's her last
Name?
Drake: oh, uh, john--jambalaya.
Tori: liza jambalaya?
Drake: ok. [Sighs] tori...
Tori: you want to get back
Together with me?
Drake: how'd you know?
Tori: because guys don't just
Go, [sighs] "tori" unless
They're breaking up with you or
They want to get back together
With you, and you already did
The first one.
Drake: well, do you want to get
Back together?
Tori: maybe. Do you?
Drake: maybe.
Tori: but I kind of feel bad
About brent.
Drake: oh, yeah. Uh...
Wait here.
Brent, this is liza. You like
Her?
Brent: uh, sure.
Drake: cool. She's a people
Person, she loves animals, and
Her dad's in the m*llitary.
Brent: really? My dad's in the
m*llitary, too.
Liza: no way.
Brent: coast guard.
Liza: navy!
Drake: oh, you kids have fun.
We're good to go.
We're good to go. Tori: awesome.
Tori: awesome.
Tori: awesome. Josh: 'sup?
Josh: 'sup?
Josh: 'sup? Mindy: josh?
Mindy: josh?
Josh?
Josh: I'm in a meeting.
Mindy: would you come out of
Mindy: would you come out of there?
There?
Ok. Why do you have half a
Mustache made of magic marker?
Josh: I woke up yesterday
Morning and half my mustache was
Just gone.
Mindy: half?
That girl owes me bucks.
Josh: huh?
Mindy: nothing. Go on.
Josh: so then drake said I look
Stupid so he filled in the
Missing half with magic marker.
But then I just decided to get
Rid of the whole thing, so I
Shaved off the hair half and now
I can't get the magic marker
Half off.
Mindy: well, here.
You should at least be
Symmetrical. There.
Josh: do I look good?
Mindy: uh-huh.
Josh: [sighs] the power of the
'Stache.
Drake: you know, I got to tell
You, I hate your girlfriend, but
Her idea to make tori jealous
Was really smart.
Josh: not that smart. They've
Done it on every sitcom since
S. Sure do miss kissing her,
You know?
Drake: yeah, I miss kissing
Tori.
Grade, I had the cutest little
Turtle ever.
Drake: when I was a little kid,
I had the hottest baby-sitter
Ever.
Josh: his name was sheldon.
Drake: her name was debbie.
I remember she used to like to
Eat grapes.
Josh: I remember he used to love
To eat bugs.
Drake: and whenever I'd get
Scared...she'd hold my hand.
Josh: whenever he'd get scared,
He'd...pee in my hand.
Drake: but then debbie moved to
Wisconsin.
Josh: but then one day
Sheldon...passed on.
Drake: so my mom got me a new
Baby-sitter.
Josh: so my dad bought me a
Lizard.
Drake: her name was mrs. Finkle.
Josh: his name was julio.
Drake: she used to make me eat
Warm tuna fish and watch
Educational television.
Josh: he used to climb up my
Chest and bite my throat!
Drake: and the more I hated that
Old lady...
Josh: and the more I hated that
Vicious lizard...
Drake: the more I missed debbie.
Josh: the more I missed sheldon.
Drake: I guess I never really
Appreciated debbie...
Josh: I guess I never realized
How much I loved sheldon...
Drake: till she was gone.
Josh: until julio tried to [span]k*ll[/span]
Josh: until julio tried to [span]k*ll me![/Span]
Me!
Me! Drake: ok, open.
Drake: ok, open.
Tori: um...green apple?
Tori: um...green apple? Drake: excellent. Open.
Drake: excellent. Open.
Tori: cherry.
Drake: more specific, please.
Tori: very cherry?
Tori: very cherry? Drake: very good.
Drake: very good.
Tori: hmm. Hot guy lips?
Drake: that is correct.
We also would have accepted
Extremely hot guy lips.
Tori: hey, get me a soda?
Both: mocha cola, extra ice.
Tori: wow, you're good.
Drake: yeah, we also would've
Accepted extremely good.
Hey, josh. Aah!
Josh: look, you can "aah" all
You want, all right? I like my
Mustache.
Drake: oh, come on. Grammy has
More hair on her upper lip than
That.
Josh: do not make fun of
Grammy's hormonal imbalances!
Drake: ooh, sorry. Why don't
You just shave that thing off?
Josh: no. Ever since I've grown
This mustache, people treat me
Differently. I get more respect.
Gavin: hey, josh, helen wants
You to go down to the basement
And empty the rat traps.
Josh: you see? Helen never let
Me do that before. The power...
Of the 'stache.
Drake: if you say so.
Josh: you know, you should think
About growing a mustache. I bet
Your girlfriend would think it's
Cool.
Drake: ow, ow, ow! Don't say
"Girlfriend."
Josh: why not?
Drake: because tori and I are
Just dating. I don't like the
Word "girlfriend."
Josh: mindy's my [span]girlfriend.[/Span]
I don't have a problem saying
It.
Drake: oh, josh, how can I
Explain this to you? You see,
Girls are a lot like...candy.
Josh: candy?
Drake: right. Let's say tori is
The megathon bar.
Josh: tori is the megathon bar.
Drake: great candy bar, right?
Josh: sure.
Drake: yeah, but I wouldn't want
This to be the only candy in my
Life, would you?
Josh: no.
Drake: exactly. I mean, some
Days we'd want a flutter
Nutter...
Josh: sure.
Drake: other days some
Squiggles...
Josh: I like the squiggles.
Drake: and dweebs and puddycats
And melon ms.
Josh: all right, will you cut to
The chase?
Drake: sure. You see, we as men
Can enjoy the megathon bar
Whenever we want, but that
Doesn't mean we have to make it
Our [span]candyfriend.[/Span]
Tori: hey.
Drake: oh, hey. I was just
Getting your soda.
Tori: thanks, but my mom just
Called and she wants me to get
Home, so I better--were you just
Buying me all this candy?
Drake: well, i--
Tori: that is so sweet of you.
Is he the cutest boyfriend or
What?
Drake: boyfriend?
Drake: boyfriend? Tori: the cutest.
Tori: the cutest.
Josh: looks like all you got is
A megathon bar.
A megathon bar. Gavin: I got it.
Gavin: I got it.
♪ I never thought that it'd be
So simple, but I found a way,
I found a way,
I found a way, if you open up your mind ♪
If you open up your mind ♪
♪ It's gonna take some time
To realize,
But if you look inside,
I'm sure you'll find,
Over your shoulder,
You know that I told you
I'll always be picking you up
When you're down,
When you're down, so just turn around ♪
So just turn around ♪
So just turn around ♪ ♪ ooh ooh oooooooh
♪ Ooh ooh oooooooh
Josh: what?
Megan: so, are you two, like,
Dating now?
Mindy: yeah.
Josh: yes, we are.
Megan: why?
Josh: I happen to find mindy
Very appealing.
Megan: oh, I understand that.
I'm trying to figure out what's
Gone wrong in [span]her[/span]head.
Mindy: megan, I know it's hard
For you to understand, but I
Think josh is very smart, funny,
Interesting, and cute.
Megan: did you put something in
Her food?
Josh: all right, that's it! Out!
Megan: wait. Can I just take a
Few pictures of you first?
Josh: sure. What for?
Megan: it's for a school paper.
I'm writing about how facial
Hair makes some people look more
Attractive.
Josh: oh.
Megan: and how it makes others
Look more stupid.
Josh: out!
Josh: out! Megan: ooh, that was a good one.
Megan: ooh, that was a good one.
Josh: I am so tired of her and
Drake bugging me about my
'Stache.
Mindy: uh-huh.
Josh: what does "uh-huh" mean?
Mindy: just uh-huh.
Josh: no, that wasn't just an
Uh-huh uh-huh. That was a
[Span]uh-huh[/span]uh-huh.
Mindy: no, no.
Josh: you hate my 'stache.
Mindy: oh, hate is a very
Strong...accurate word.
Josh: mindy...
Mindy: kidding. I was kidding. I
Like it. Seriously.
Josh: you do?
Mindy: sure. I'll give you
Bucks to shave it off.
Josh: oh...
Drake: hey, josh.
Josh: ahem.
Drake: yeah?
Josh: mindy's here.
Drake: oh, right. I'll call the
Exterminator.
Mindy: oh, what's the matter,
Drake? You feeling stressed
About having a girlfriend?
Drake: tori is not my
Girlfriend.
Mindy: that's not what I hear.
Drake: yeah, well, it doesn't
Matter what you hear because I'm
Gonna break up with her tomorrow
At school.
Josh: how come?
Drake: you heard her call me her
Boyfriend. Something has to be
Done. In fact, I'm just gonna
Break up with her right now.
Mindy: you can't end a
Relationship with a phone call.
Drake: duh. I'm gonna text
Message her.
Josh: just tell her in person.
Drake: I can't, man. I mean,
What if she's a crier? I can't
Handle it when a girl cries.
Mindy: sure you can. You just
Mindy: sure you can. You just need practice. Drake.
Need practice. Drake.
All right, now, josh, you be
Tori. Drake, you be you.
Josh: [whining] I wanted to be
Drake.
Mindy: too bad. Ready, set,
Break up.
Drake: all right. Uh, tori?
Josh: [exaggerated whiny voice]
What is it, drake?
Drake: ok, I can't do this if
He's gonna talk like that.
Josh: I'm being a girl.
Drake: what girl has a
Mustache other than your
Grandmother?
Josh: that tears it! Aah!
Mindy: stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it! All right?
Stop it! Stop it! All right? Just do this.
Just do this.
Drake: [sighs] tori...
Josh: [high voice] mm-hmm?
Josh: [high voice] mm-hmm? Mindy: now take her hands.
Mindy: now take her hands.
Drake: now, I really like you.
I--
Josh: [giddily] ohhhh. Ha ha.
Drake: but I think we're gonna
Have to break up.
[Crying, sobbing]
Drake: see, I can't handle that.
Mindy: just keep going. You can
Handle it.
Drake: i--i--look, I just think
I need to date other people.
And you should, too.
Josh: well, I guess I
Understand.
Drake: uh, just one more thing.
Josh: yes?
Josh: shave off the mustache!
Josh: shave off the mustache! Josh: out!
Josh: out!
Drake: tori?
Tori: oh, hey, drake.
Drake: uh, you got a sec to
Talk?
Talk? Tori: yeah, sure.
Tori: yeah, sure.
Drake: [sighs] tori...
Tori: you're breaking up with
Me?
Drake: ok, how did you know
That?
Tori: because guys just don't
Go, [sighs] "tori," unless
They're dumping you.
Drake: well, I wouldn't say I'm
Dumping you.
Tori: you're not dumping me?
Drake: no, I am. I--i just
Wouldn't say it.
Tori: look, I get it. You want
To date other people.
Drake: well...
Tori: it's cool. Seriously, no
Hard feelings.
Drake: you are awesome. Want to
Make out a little bit?
Tori: I don't think so.
See you later, drake. Hug
See you later, drake. Hug good-bye?
Good-bye?
Man: whassup?
Man: whassup? Josh: whassup?
Josh: whassup?
Mindy: happy saturday.
Josh: hey, what brings you to
The premiere?
Mindy: I just thought I'd bring
You a little lunch.
Josh: whoa. How cool are you?
Let's see, we got a little ham
And cheese action.
Mindy: cheddar.
Josh: some apple wedges.
Mindy: with the caramel dippin'
Sauce.
Josh: I say [span]caramel,[/span]but all
Right. Juice box.
Mindy: with bendy straw.
Josh: and for dessert...
Shaving cream and a razor.
Yeah, so I'm gonna skip dessert.
Mindy: come on, josh, just shave
It off.
Josh: no. All right, my 'stache
Has changed my whole life.
Mindy: how?
Josh: see that cool-looking guy
Standing over there?
Mindy: yeah.
Josh: minutes ago, he walked
Right by me, saw my 'stache,
Said, "'sup?"
Mindy: so you like the mustache
Because it helps you meet
Strange men.
Josh: no. It just sort of ups my
Cool 'cause--'cause a guy like
That doesn't just go walking
Around handing out 'sups.
Mindy: right. Of course not.
Josh: I appreciate the lunch,
But I gotta get back to work.
Mindy: ok.
Mindy: ok. Josh: later.
Josh: later.
Josh: what?
Mindy: look, I hate to do this,
Josh, but I am not kissing you
Until you shave off that
Mustache.
Josh: well, I'm not shavin' my
'Stache until you kiss me.
Mindy: fine.
Josh: fine. But know this, mindy
Crenshaw. I went years
Without kissing a girl. I could
Wait.
Wait. Man: 'sup?
Man: 'sup?
Man: 'sup? Drake: I'll call you.
Drake: I'll call you.
Hello.
Josh: what are you so giddy
Josh: what are you so giddy about?
About?
About? A girl's phone number?
A girl's phone number?
Girls' phone numbers?
Drake: yup. There's a lot of
Candy out there, josh, and you
Are looking at mr. Willy wonka.
Josh: ex-girlfriend-- o'clock.
Oh, wow.
Drake: yeah, there's tori.
Josh: yeah, but...
Look, she's with another guy.
Drake: doesn't bother me.
Josh: really? He's a pretty
Good-looking dude.
Drake: I guess, but it still
Doesn't bother me.
Josh: how about that?
Josh: how about that? Drake: yeah, that bothers me.
Drake: yeah, that bothers me.
Drake: josh, you're not gonna
Believe--
Josh: believe what?
Drake: were you just combing
Your mustache?
Josh: no.
Drake: so what's in your hand?
Josh: ooh, uh, it's just a comb
For, uh...for my hair.
Drake: uh-huh.
Josh: what do you want?
Drake: would you look at tori?
Josh: yeah. She's with that guy
Again.
Drake: no, that's a different
Guy.
Josh: what's your problem?
You're the one that broke up
With her.
Drake: yeah, I know, but I
Just--i feel kind of weird about
This.
Oh, hey. She's alone. I'm gonna
Go talk to her.
Josh: what for?
Drake: to get back together.
Josh: drake, you don't get back
With a girl just because you're
Jealous of her new boyfriends.
Drake: yeah, true...
But I'm gonna do it anyway.
Hello, tori.
Tori: what's up, drake?
Drake: so I've been thinking I
Might get back together with
You.
Tori: I see, and do I have any
Say in this?
Drake: yeah, you can say ok.
Tori: yeah, I don't think so,
Drake.
Drake: but I'm drake.
Tori: yes, but I'm having a
Really good time dating
Different guys. You know,
Playing the field.
Drake: I'm in a band.
Tori: bye, drake.
Drake: josh, you're not gonna
Drake: josh, you're not gonna believe what just--
Believe what just--
Mindy: josh?
Josh: I'm not shaving it off.
Mindy: ok, josh.
You know, it's been about
Weeks since we kissed.
Josh: mindy, I waited years,
Long kissless years. You'll
Give in way before I do.
Mindy: really?
Why, what's this?
Oh, it's my new lip gloss. Mmm.
Apricot. Do you like the smell
Of apricots, josh?
Josh: I say a-pricot.
Mindy: smell the gloss, josh.
Josh: oh!
Mindy: to kiss me, all you gotta
Do is shave.
Josh: no! Mm!
Mindy: ok, what are you doing?
Mindy: ok, what are you doing? Josh: runnin' off my desires!
Josh: runnin' off my desires!
Drake: running off his desires?
Mindy: yeah.
Josh: [takes deep breath]
Yeah, that's enough exercise...
For the year.
[Drake sighs]
Mindy: wow. Big sigh.
Drake: yeah, I've sighed bigger.
Mindy: so what's wrong?
Drake: ok, you're kind of a
Girl, right?
Mindy: well, if not, I've been
Buying the wrong underwear.
Drake: well, do you know that
Girl I was dating?
Mindy: ohh, yes. Josh told me
The whole story. You dumped her.
She's dating new guys. You're a
Jealous mess.
Drake: so how do I get her back?
Mindy: drake, you got jealous
When you saw her on a date.
Drake: right.
Mindy: so to make her jealous,
You...
Drake: put a stink b*mb in her
Backpack.
Or...
Mindy: do I have to spell this
Out for you?
Drake: would you?
Mindy: you date someone else to
Make her jealous!
Drake: oh, right! And where do I
Put the stink b*mb?
Mindy: I'll tell you where to
Put it!
Josh: mindy.
Mindy: uh, I'm gonna go get a
Bottle of water.
Josh: make that , please.
Mindy: hey, megan.
Megan: hey.
Mindy: whatcha doin'?
Megan: cutting up a pineapple.
Mindy: I see.
Listen, you want to make $?
Listen, you want to make $? Megan: keep talking.
Megan: keep talking.
[Shaver buzzes]
Drake: what's going on?
[Turns off shaver]
Megan?
Megan: hey.
Drake: what are you doing in our
Room?
Megan: i, uh...ha ha...
Forgot to give josh a hug good
Night. Sweet, sweet josh. Sleep
Tight, little boob. Well, good
Tight, little boob. Well, good night.
Night.
Drake: josh, is tori here?
Josh: um...uh, yeah, she's over
There with another good-looking
Guy.
Drake: oh, good, 'cause I got a
Hot date coming here any--
What happened to the other half
Of your mustache?
Josh: I just woke up this
Morning and it was gone.
Drake: well, then, why don't you
Shave off the other half?
Josh: no. All right, that's just
What mindy wants me to do.
Drake: dude, if you shave it
Off, she will kiss you.
Josh: well, there are more
Important things in life than
Kissing girls.
Drake: name .
Josh: I can't!
Drake: if you have to keep your
Dumb mustache, come here.
Josh: what are you doing?
Drake: re-staching you.
Drake: re-staching you. Josh: ow!
Josh: ow!
Do I look good?
Drake: uh-huh.
Ooh! Here comes liza.
Josh: hot liza?
Drake: the hottest. You think
She'll make tori jealous, huh?
Josh: huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!
Liza: hey, drake.
Drake: hey, liza.
You know my brother josh.
Liza: sure, hey, jo--
What's up with his--
What's up with his-- drake: uh, come with me.
Drake: uh, come with me.
Liza: aah!
Drake: ohh! Sorry. Um...
Sorry about that.
Liza: it's ok.
So what made you want to ask me
Out all of a sudden?
Drake: uh, you know, I just
Wanted to get to know you
Better. So tell me about you.
Liza: um, well, I'm a people
Person and I love animals.
Drake: that's nice.
Liza: my dad's in the m*llitary,
So when I was little, we used to
Move from city...
To city. And then I moved to
San diego and I got into teen
Modeling...
But what I really want to do is
Start acting and maybe move to
L.a. One day.
[Drake groaning and banging]
Tori: drake?
Drake: tori? I didn't know you
Were here.
Tori: yeah, I'm just here with
My friend brent.
Drake: oh, that's nice. I'm just
Here with my friend hot liza.
Liza: huh?
Drake: she's a teen model, she
Loves animals, and she's in the
m*llitary.
Liza: no, my dad's in the
m*llitary.
Drake: shh. I was just gonna go
Get us something to drink.
Liza: me, too. I'll walk with
You.
Drake: you want anything?
Liza: oh, yeah. Can you get me a
Large--
Drake: oh, they're out of that.
So what do you think of liza?
Pretty hot, huh?
Tori: drake, by any chance, did
You bring liza here to try and
Make me jealous?
Drake: no. I--i care deeply
About her.
Tori: yeah? What's her last
Name?
Drake: oh, uh, john--jambalaya.
Tori: liza jambalaya?
Drake: ok. [Sighs] tori...
Tori: you want to get back
Together with me?
Drake: how'd you know?
Tori: because guys don't just
Go, [sighs] "tori" unless
They're breaking up with you or
They want to get back together
With you, and you already did
The first one.
Drake: well, do you want to get
Back together?
Tori: maybe. Do you?
Drake: maybe.
Tori: but I kind of feel bad
About brent.
Drake: oh, yeah. Uh...
Wait here.
Brent, this is liza. You like
Her?
Brent: uh, sure.
Drake: cool. She's a people
Person, she loves animals, and
Her dad's in the m*llitary.
Brent: really? My dad's in the
m*llitary, too.
Liza: no way.
Brent: coast guard.
Liza: navy!
Drake: oh, you kids have fun.
We're good to go.
We're good to go. Tori: awesome.
Tori: awesome.
Tori: awesome. Josh: 'sup?
Josh: 'sup?
Josh: 'sup? Mindy: josh?
Mindy: josh?
Josh?
Josh: I'm in a meeting.
Mindy: would you come out of
Mindy: would you come out of there?
There?
Ok. Why do you have half a
Mustache made of magic marker?
Josh: I woke up yesterday
Morning and half my mustache was
Just gone.
Mindy: half?
That girl owes me bucks.
Josh: huh?
Mindy: nothing. Go on.
Josh: so then drake said I look
Stupid so he filled in the
Missing half with magic marker.
But then I just decided to get
Rid of the whole thing, so I
Shaved off the hair half and now
I can't get the magic marker
Half off.
Mindy: well, here.
You should at least be
Symmetrical. There.
Josh: do I look good?
Mindy: uh-huh.
Josh: [sighs] the power of the
'Stache.
Drake: you know, I got to tell
You, I hate your girlfriend, but
Her idea to make tori jealous
Was really smart.
Josh: not that smart. They've
Done it on every sitcom since
S. Sure do miss kissing her,
You know?
Drake: yeah, I miss kissing
Tori.