03x08 - Paging Dr. Drake
Posted: 11/20/23 15:50
Josh: ya know? I hate it when
Drake gets me into "situations."
Drake: I love gettin' josh into
"Situations."
Josh: one time, he entered me
Into a chicken wing-eating
Contest.
Drake: like, once, I entered
Josh into a chicken wing-eating
Contest.
Josh: so they ring the bell, and
I start scarfin' down chicken
Wings as fast as I can.
Drake: I swear josh woulda won.
Josh: but the contest got
Stopped when these crazy people
Showed up to protest.
Drake: but the contest got
Stopped by the p.f.c.r.
Josh: the people for chickens'
Rights. They were very upset.
Drake: they were so mad, they
Threw josh in a lake.
Josh: I was thrown into a lake.
Drake: I jumped in and helped
Him swim to shore.
Josh: I was moist and angry.
Drake: I ate some of the
Leftover chicken wings.
Josh: there were things I
Learned that day.
Drake: I learned a few things
That day.
Josh: number one--the people for
Chickens' rights? Cra-zy.
Drake: the p.f.c.r.--Outta
Control.
Josh: number --drake can get me
Mixed up in some pretty insane
Situations.
Drake: josh...not the best
Swimmer. And last...
Both: chicken wings? Pretty
Good.
Man on tv: ...and ...and ...
And . Don't forget to breathe.
Josh: now ya tell me!
Drake: what's up?
Josh: hey, just workin' out.
Drake: why? Megan b*at ya at
Arm-wrestling again?
Josh: it was a tie! Hey,
Check out my bicep. How's it
Feel?
Drake: kinda like a plastic bag
Filled with pudding.
Josh: cute.
What's that?
Drake: potato launcher.
Josh: where'd ya get a potato
Launcher?
Drake: toy store.
Josh: it says here it's for
Children ages to .
Why did you buy this?
Drake: it launches potatoes up
To feet.
Josh: well, then.
Megan: all right, it is freezing
Upstairs.
Drake: whoa, whoa. What do you
Think you're doing?
Megan: turning down the air
Conditioning so I don't freeze
To death.
Drake: yeah, no, you're not.
Josh: yeah, we like it cold up
Here.
Megan: well, I don't.
Drake: too bad, the thermostat's
In our room.
Josh: so knit yourself
A sweater, little girl.
Megan: you know what I'd rather
Knit?
Josh: what?
Megan: a stupid bag so I could
Stuff you in it and sell you in
A convenient pouch.
Drake: I'd buy one. I'll go play
With my potato.
[Turns volume back up]
Man on tv: ok, now we're gonna
Move on to the heavy stuff.
Let's get ready to do a dead
Lift.
Josh: ready.
Man: and squat.
Josh: squattin'.
Man: grip.
Josh: grippin'.
Man: and lift.
[Grunting]
And hold it...hold it...hold it.
[Screaming]
Drake: it works.
* I never thought
That it'd be so simple,
But I found a way,
I found a way,
If you open up your mind,
See what's inside,
It's gonna take some time
To realize,
But if you look inside,
I'm sure you'll find
Over your shoulder
You know that I told you
I'd always be picking you up
When you're down,
So just turn around
Ooh *
Megan: mom, there's a bug on the
Wall.
Audrey: josh, go k*ll the bug.
Josh: go k*ll the bug.
Drake: I don't wanna k*ll the
Bug.
Walter: josh, she asked you to
Do it.
Get up and go squish that bug.
Audrey: right now.
Josh: ok.
Audrey: ok, what up with the
Cane?
Josh: uh, this? Uh...i use it to
k*ll bugs and whatnot.
See?
Audrey: josh!
Walter: what's the matter with
You?
Josh: I don't know. This house
Is tilted.
Megan: no. Josh crushed his foot
And refuses to go to a hospital.
Audrey: you what?
Walter: let's get his shoe off.
Josh: look, don't even worry
About it, all right? I'm--i'm
Sure it's fine. It doesn't
Really even hurt anymore!
Walter: oh, my! Josh!
Megan: cool.
Drake: it looks like mom's
Meatloaf.
Which tastes so good.
Audrey: how did this happen?
Drake: he dropped a barbell on
It.
Josh: yeah, after you sh*t me
With a potato.
Audrey: a potato?
Drake: it's a long story.
Walter: why didn't you tell us
About this?
Josh: because I'm afraid of
Hospitals, all right?!
Walter: oh, come on.
Audrey: do you know how serious
This could be?
Walter: you could lose that
Foot.
Josh: but I love this foot!
Audrey: come on, we have to get
Him to the hospital right now.
Megan: if they have to remove
His foot, can I have it?
Walter: no!
Josh: what's taking so long?
Audrey: they have to develop the
X-rays.
Josh: I hate this place.
Audrey: just be patient.
Get it?
"Patient"? Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah, why do I try?
Walter: seriously, josh,
I don't know why you're so
Freaked out by hospitals.
Doctor: hurry! Hurry!
Something's gone wrong!
Code red! Code red!
Woman: what's wrong with him?!
Doctor: I don't know!
Josh: I'm outta here.
Audrey: look, here comes drake
With your frozen yogurt.
Josh: good. Did they have
French vanilla?
Drake: yep.
Josh: it's empty.
Drake: yeah.
Josh: headaches!
Doctor: hi, sorry to keep you
All waiting.
Walter: that's okay, doctor.
Audrey: how do his x-rays look?
Doctor: well, not so good.
Megan: are you gonna have to cut
Off his foot?
Doctor: no, it's not that
Serious. But his foot will
Require a bit of surgery.
Josh: see ya.
Audrey: stop that.
So, he really needs surgery?
Doctor: yes, if he wants to have
Complete mobility of his
Left foot, we will have to
Operate.
Walter: will you be doing the
Procedure?
Doctor: no, we'll get him a
Foot specialist.
Josh: specialist?!
Audrey: and when does this
Surgery take place?
Doctor: a few hours.
[Josh squeals]
Doctor: I'll have a nurse check
Him into a room.
Josh: aw, they're gonna carve me
Up like a christmas ham.
Drake: relax. She said it wasn't
Serious.
Audrey: you'll be fine.
Now, listen, your father is
Gonna stay here with you
While I take megan home.
Josh: actually, dad, could you
Run home and pick me up, like,
A couple magazines and my
Laptop? You know, 'cause I'm
Gonna be waiting around for a
While.
Walter: you got it, kid.
Audrey: megan, don't you
Wanna say something to
Your brother before you go?
Megan: I hope ya don't die.
Josh: love you, too.
Man, I'm scared.
Drake: don't be scared, man.
Look, I'm gonna stay right
Here with you, ok? You got
Nothing to worry about.
[Beeping]
Oh. Hang on a second.
Got a text message.
Whoa, ariani just invited me
Over to go night swimming.
Josh: wait, wait, wait.
You're just gonna leave me
Here all alone?
Drake: ariani. Night swimming.
Dude, I gotta go.
Doctor: all right, student
Nurses. We're gonna take a
Minute break and then continue
With our tour.
Drake: I'm gonna stay
Right here with ya, man.
Josh: "once the foot is drained,
The surgeon must carefully and
Slowly scrape the metatarsal
Bones."
Woozy!
Drake: good afternoon.
Josh: oh, hey, doc.
Look, I was just on the
Internet, reading about foot
Surgery, and I wanted to
Ask you a couple questions--
Drake: yes?
Josh: what are you doin'?!
Drake: playing doctor.
Josh: playing?!
Drake: yeah. Dude, this
Hospital's like crawling with
Cute nurses.
Josh: so? They're all like
In their twenties.
They don't want to go out
With some guy in high school.
Drake: exactly. So I found this
Closet with doctor's stuff,
Put it on, and in the past
Half-hour, I've made like
Dates with the hottest nurses.
Josh: what?!
Drake: what?
Josh: you can't do that!
Drake: sure I can.
Look. Michelle's thursday,
Kristen's friday, lateesha's
Saturday. Ow!
You hurt me with a sandwich.
Josh: come here!
You can't impersonate a doctor!
It's against the law!
Drake: I'm not "impersonating" a
Doctor. I'm pretending to
Be one.
Josh: pretending to be a
Doctor is illegal!
If they catch you,
They will put you in jail.
Drake: oh. I would not do well
In jail.
Josh: yeah!
Drake: that's ok. I'll
Just take the doctor's stuff
Off and--
Dr. Carlson: josh nichols?
Hello there. I'm dr. Carlson.
I'll be doing the surgery on
Your foot in a few hours, so I
Thought I'd stop by to
Say--oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was
Interrupting. Doctor.
Drake: doctor.
Dr. Carlson: I don't think
We've met before.
Drake: uh...right, right.
You see, I'm just filling in.
Dr. Carlson: just filling in?
Just filling in?
Oh, my goodness! Of course!
You're dr. Nussbaum?!
Drake: yes. Yes, I'm
Dr. Pus-baum.
Josh: nussbaum.
Drake: nussbaum.
It's good to meet you.
Dr. Carlson: well, no, no,
Believe me. It's a pleasure for
Me to meet you. Just--
Students, please. Please, come
In here! All of you. All of
You. Come on in. Students,
May I introduce you to dr.
Elliot nussbaum, the
Youngest surgeon to ever
Graduate from harvard medical
School.
Drake: really?! I mean, yes.
That is what I did.
Dr. Carlson: we weren't
Expecting you until tonight.
Drake: oh, well, you know, you
Lose track of time when you're
So busy saving the lives.
Dr. Carlson: indeed. All of
These are medical students
At u.c.l.a.
Drake: ah.
Dr. Carlson: would you mind
Telling them your incredible
Story?
Drake: well...excuse me. They
Want to hear my story.
Josh: I'd tell 'em your story.
Drake: interesting. Uh...
Dr. Carlson: oh, I'm sorry. I
Should have known that you
Don't want to appear
Braggadocios.
Drake: yes. "Bragagadocios."
I know what that means.
Dr. Carlson: at the age of ,
Dr. Nussbaum graduated from
Harvard medical school.
Drake: right.
Dr. Carlson: by , he was
Published in the new england
Journal of medicine.
Drake: sure.
Dr. Carlson: and to think that
You grew up in kansas on a
Corn farm.
Drake: ah, yes. We grew all
Kinds of corn there. On the cob,
Popped, creamed.
Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha! Oh!
That's that nussbaum sense of
Humor that we've heard so
Much about.
Drake: uh, yes. Well, I should
Be going now. So many--
Dr. Carlson: wait just a minute.
Doctor, I'm just about
To perform a foot procedure on
A female patient of mine.
Drake: ah, yes! Female.
Dr. Carlson: and the doctors in
Training here would benefit
So much more by watching you do
It than myself.
Drake: oh, no, no, no.
Dr. Carlson: no, no, no.
Please, please, please, please.
It would be an honor to watch
A genius like yourself
Perform surgery.
Drake: no, really, I can't.
Dr. Carlson: why not?
Drake: I don't know how.
Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha ha!
A brilliant surgeon and funny!
Oh, score another one for
Nussbaum.
Drake: no. You don't understand.
I really have to go.
Dr. Carlson: oh, no, no, no,
Sir. You are in for such a
Treat. You are about to see
Genius perform surgery!
Right this way.
We won't take no for a--
Drake: no, sir, i--i can't.
Dr. Carlson: there we go.
Drake: any advice?
Josh: for the surgery or prison?
Dr. Carlson: doctor! This way.
Drake: ohhhhh.
Walter: pardon me, nurse?
Nurse: yes?
Walter: could you tell me what
Time my son's surgery is
Supposed to start?
His name is josh nichols.
Nurse: oh, I'm sorry.
He passed away.
Walter: what?!
Nurse: oh, wait.
Josh nichols.
His surgery doesn't begin
For a couple more hours.
Walter: thanks.
Nurse: sure.
Dr. Carlson: the operating room
Is right this way, doctor.
Drake: oh, you know, I really
Think you should be the one
Performing this operation.
Dr. Carlson: and miss the chance
To learn from a doctor like you?
Oh, no. This is the opportunity
Of a lifetime. Right this way.
Drake: uhh!
Dr. Carlson: right this way,
Dr. Nussbaum.
Drake: you know, I think it's
Really nice that you want me
To...uhhh...
Who are all these people?
Surgeon: I hope it's ok,
Dr. Nussbaum, but
When the hospital staff found
Out that you were performing
The surgery, well, everyone
Wanted to observe.
Drake: wow. How great.
So, foot surgery, huh?
What are we talkin' about?
An ingrown toenail or something?
Dr. Carlson: no, no.
This patient requires major
Reconstruction of the foot.
Drake: major?
Dr. Carlson: yes. She got that
Right foot got caught
In a food processor.
Drake: what was she making?!
Dr. Carlson: I don't know.
But boy, it makes you think,
Doesn't it?
Well, shall we scrub up?
Drake: oh, I'm cool.
I took a shower last night.
Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha!
My god, man, you are a joke
Machine.
Drake: yeah.
Audrey: megan!
Megan: yes, mommy?
Audrey: where are you?
Megan: um...
Hang on.
I'm in drake and josh's room.
Audrey: there you are.
Don't you want dinner?
I ordered chinese.
Megan: oh, cool. Sure.
Audrey: uh, what are you doing
In the boys' room?
Megan: oh, I just wanted to
Clean up a little, make sure
Everything's nice for josh when
He gets home from the hospital.
Audrey: you know, I don't think
Josh has any idea how lucky
He is to have a little sister
Like you.
Megan: it's ok.
His happiness is my reward.
Dr. Carlson: anytime you're
Ready, doctor.
Drake: ok.
Anesthesiologist: why don't
You start the operation already?
Drake: right. Uh...
I will first begin by making
A small incision by the
Big toe bone...
Josh: hello, everyone!
Sorry I am late!
Dr. Carlson: excuse me,
Who are you?
Josh: ha ha ha! I am dr.
Vishi-swoz.
Dr. Carlson: dr. Vishi-swoz?
I'm afraid I've never heard of--
Drake: yes! Doctor, I've been
Waiting for you.
Dr. Carlson: you know
Each other?
Josh: indeed. Dr. Nussbaum and I
Studied together
At the college of harvard.
Drake: yeah. You see, dr.
Vishi--
Josh: swoz...
Drake: ...swoz is actually my
Assistant.
Josh: I prefer to be
Thought of as a colleague.
Drake: colleague, assistant.
What's the difference?
Josh: well, it makes a
Difference to my mother!
Anesthesiologist: we must
Begin the surgery before
The anesthesia wears off!
Dr. Carlson: yes, doctor. We
Really need to be--
Josh: oh, ok, but before we
Start the surgery, I must
Speak to dr. Nussbaum privately.
Josh: ah, right. You see, we
Always chat before i--
Josh: ok. Excuse us, please!
Have you completely
Lost your mind!?
Drake: what?!
Josh: you're seriously gonna
Operate on a person?!
Drake: what am I supposed to
Do?!
Josh: tell them you're not
A real surgeon!
Drake: don't you think I want
To?! Man, you're the one that
Told me I could get arrested for
Pretending to be a doctor.
You tell me how to get out of
This!
Josh: ok.
All right. Just follow my lead.
Ha ha ha! Okey-dokey.
Dr. Nussbaum is ready for to
Do the surgery on the foot
Person.
Drake: I am?
Dr. Carlson: you are.
Drake: I am. Ok...
Well, I'll begin by making a
Small incision right here
By the tickle nerve. Here I go.
Josh: I kissed your wife.
Drake: what?
Josh: I kissed your wife.
Nurse: doctor nussbaum's
Married?
Josh: oh, yes!
Nurse: but he asked me out!
Second nurse: he asked me out!
Third nurse: he made out with
Me!
Dr. Carlson: nussbaum, you dog.
Is there anything this guy can't
Do?
Anesthesiologist: I wish he'd do
This surgery!
Dr. Carlson: yes, doctor. We
Really need to get--
Drake: you kissed my wife?!
Josh: I can't help it. She is so
Pretty and sweet smelling.
Drake: I can't believe you,
After all we've been through
Together at harvard?!
Josh: well, I am just a man!
Drake: yeah. A man who kissed my
Wife!
Dr. Carlson: doctor, I realize
This is an awkward moment,
Drake: I can't believe you,
Vishi-swoz!
Josh: well, it is your fault!
Drake: my fault?!
Josh: yes! You do not satisfy
Her needs.
Drake: don't you tell me about
My wife!
Josh: oh, I will tell you
Something about your wife, and
This is what it is.
Drake: you know, I ought to
Punch you, man!
Josh: so, you punch me. I will
Punch you back!
Drake: no! Hey, don't you walk
Away from me!
Josh: I am walking away!
Drake: you're talking about my
Wife! I wanna know what's been
Going on, vishi-swoz!
Patient: is my foot fixed?
Drake: hug me brothah!
Man, you were great!
Josh: yeah. You too, bro!
Drake: "vishi-swoz?"
Josh: it's a soup!
Drake: I must try some.
Josh: we better get all this
Stuff off.
Drake: yeah, you're right. Hey.
Here. Gimme. Man, you better get
Off that foot.
Josh: yeah. No doubt.
The little pants.
Ok, bad foot, bad foot.
Drake: sorry, sorry, sorry.
Josh: , , , go! I'm all
Right.
Drake: look, man, I'm really
Sorry about making you break
Your foot.
Josh: I'm sorry I kissed your
Wife.
Drake: how was she?
Josh: oh, excellent.
Dr. Carlson: excuse me.
Drake: oh. Hi, there. Um...
Listen, I'm really sorry
About that argument I got into
With my assistant. You know how
We doctors can be.
Dr. Carlson: yes, yes. Well, I
Was actually just coming down
To talk to you about that when I
Ran into somebody on the
Elevator.
Drake: who's he?
Dr. Carlson: this is
Dr. Nussbaum.
Josh: you mean he's an imposter?
Dr. Carlson: it would appear so.
Are you aware that you could go
To prison for impersonating a
Doctor?
[Glass shattering]
Josh: man, I cannot believe you
Jumped out that window.
Drake: I can't believe I broke
My arm.
Josh: yeah, but at least you
Don't have to worry about--
Uhh! Ok. Is it like really cold
In here?
Drake: yeah. Look. [Exhales]
Josh: it must be like
Degrees.
Megan: degrees and dropping.
Drake: all right, megan.
What'd you do?
Megan: I just modified the air
Conditioning in your room.
You guys did say you like it
Cold, right?
Josh: yeah. That's right.
Drake: yeah. We love it cold.
Josh: so if you thought this was
Gonna upset us, too bad!
Drake: didn't work.
Josh: so ha!
Drake: and ha!
Megan: good. Enjoy the weather.
Boobs.
Josh: well, it looks like we
Foiled her little plan.
Drake: yeah, so she made the
Room a little cold.
Like we care.
Josh: wanna watch some tv?
Drake: sure.
Character on tv: captain,
It appears we've been att*cked.
Josh: dude?
Drake: I know.
Drake: aw, here, come on, man.
Let me take you to the hospital.
Josh: no, no. I'll be fine.
Drake: come on. You said it was
Broken.
Josh: ow! I'm not going to any
Hospital. Look, I'm sure it's
Just a bruise.
Drake: man, I don't know what
Happened. I just shoved the
Potato in here but it wasn't
Supposed to go off until I
Pressed the--
[Thud]
[Potato sh**t fires]
Josh: pffft!
Man: mmm!
Drake gets me into "situations."
Drake: I love gettin' josh into
"Situations."
Josh: one time, he entered me
Into a chicken wing-eating
Contest.
Drake: like, once, I entered
Josh into a chicken wing-eating
Contest.
Josh: so they ring the bell, and
I start scarfin' down chicken
Wings as fast as I can.
Drake: I swear josh woulda won.
Josh: but the contest got
Stopped when these crazy people
Showed up to protest.
Drake: but the contest got
Stopped by the p.f.c.r.
Josh: the people for chickens'
Rights. They were very upset.
Drake: they were so mad, they
Threw josh in a lake.
Josh: I was thrown into a lake.
Drake: I jumped in and helped
Him swim to shore.
Josh: I was moist and angry.
Drake: I ate some of the
Leftover chicken wings.
Josh: there were things I
Learned that day.
Drake: I learned a few things
That day.
Josh: number one--the people for
Chickens' rights? Cra-zy.
Drake: the p.f.c.r.--Outta
Control.
Josh: number --drake can get me
Mixed up in some pretty insane
Situations.
Drake: josh...not the best
Swimmer. And last...
Both: chicken wings? Pretty
Good.
Man on tv: ...and ...and ...
And . Don't forget to breathe.
Josh: now ya tell me!
Drake: what's up?
Josh: hey, just workin' out.
Drake: why? Megan b*at ya at
Arm-wrestling again?
Josh: it was a tie! Hey,
Check out my bicep. How's it
Feel?
Drake: kinda like a plastic bag
Filled with pudding.
Josh: cute.
What's that?
Drake: potato launcher.
Josh: where'd ya get a potato
Launcher?
Drake: toy store.
Josh: it says here it's for
Children ages to .
Why did you buy this?
Drake: it launches potatoes up
To feet.
Josh: well, then.
Megan: all right, it is freezing
Upstairs.
Drake: whoa, whoa. What do you
Think you're doing?
Megan: turning down the air
Conditioning so I don't freeze
To death.
Drake: yeah, no, you're not.
Josh: yeah, we like it cold up
Here.
Megan: well, I don't.
Drake: too bad, the thermostat's
In our room.
Josh: so knit yourself
A sweater, little girl.
Megan: you know what I'd rather
Knit?
Josh: what?
Megan: a stupid bag so I could
Stuff you in it and sell you in
A convenient pouch.
Drake: I'd buy one. I'll go play
With my potato.
[Turns volume back up]
Man on tv: ok, now we're gonna
Move on to the heavy stuff.
Let's get ready to do a dead
Lift.
Josh: ready.
Man: and squat.
Josh: squattin'.
Man: grip.
Josh: grippin'.
Man: and lift.
[Grunting]
And hold it...hold it...hold it.
[Screaming]
Drake: it works.
* I never thought
That it'd be so simple,
But I found a way,
I found a way,
If you open up your mind,
See what's inside,
It's gonna take some time
To realize,
But if you look inside,
I'm sure you'll find
Over your shoulder
You know that I told you
I'd always be picking you up
When you're down,
So just turn around
Ooh *
Megan: mom, there's a bug on the
Wall.
Audrey: josh, go k*ll the bug.
Josh: go k*ll the bug.
Drake: I don't wanna k*ll the
Bug.
Walter: josh, she asked you to
Do it.
Get up and go squish that bug.
Audrey: right now.
Josh: ok.
Audrey: ok, what up with the
Cane?
Josh: uh, this? Uh...i use it to
k*ll bugs and whatnot.
See?
Audrey: josh!
Walter: what's the matter with
You?
Josh: I don't know. This house
Is tilted.
Megan: no. Josh crushed his foot
And refuses to go to a hospital.
Audrey: you what?
Walter: let's get his shoe off.
Josh: look, don't even worry
About it, all right? I'm--i'm
Sure it's fine. It doesn't
Really even hurt anymore!
Walter: oh, my! Josh!
Megan: cool.
Drake: it looks like mom's
Meatloaf.
Which tastes so good.
Audrey: how did this happen?
Drake: he dropped a barbell on
It.
Josh: yeah, after you sh*t me
With a potato.
Audrey: a potato?
Drake: it's a long story.
Walter: why didn't you tell us
About this?
Josh: because I'm afraid of
Hospitals, all right?!
Walter: oh, come on.
Audrey: do you know how serious
This could be?
Walter: you could lose that
Foot.
Josh: but I love this foot!
Audrey: come on, we have to get
Him to the hospital right now.
Megan: if they have to remove
His foot, can I have it?
Walter: no!
Josh: what's taking so long?
Audrey: they have to develop the
X-rays.
Josh: I hate this place.
Audrey: just be patient.
Get it?
"Patient"? Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah, why do I try?
Walter: seriously, josh,
I don't know why you're so
Freaked out by hospitals.
Doctor: hurry! Hurry!
Something's gone wrong!
Code red! Code red!
Woman: what's wrong with him?!
Doctor: I don't know!
Josh: I'm outta here.
Audrey: look, here comes drake
With your frozen yogurt.
Josh: good. Did they have
French vanilla?
Drake: yep.
Josh: it's empty.
Drake: yeah.
Josh: headaches!
Doctor: hi, sorry to keep you
All waiting.
Walter: that's okay, doctor.
Audrey: how do his x-rays look?
Doctor: well, not so good.
Megan: are you gonna have to cut
Off his foot?
Doctor: no, it's not that
Serious. But his foot will
Require a bit of surgery.
Josh: see ya.
Audrey: stop that.
So, he really needs surgery?
Doctor: yes, if he wants to have
Complete mobility of his
Left foot, we will have to
Operate.
Walter: will you be doing the
Procedure?
Doctor: no, we'll get him a
Foot specialist.
Josh: specialist?!
Audrey: and when does this
Surgery take place?
Doctor: a few hours.
[Josh squeals]
Doctor: I'll have a nurse check
Him into a room.
Josh: aw, they're gonna carve me
Up like a christmas ham.
Drake: relax. She said it wasn't
Serious.
Audrey: you'll be fine.
Now, listen, your father is
Gonna stay here with you
While I take megan home.
Josh: actually, dad, could you
Run home and pick me up, like,
A couple magazines and my
Laptop? You know, 'cause I'm
Gonna be waiting around for a
While.
Walter: you got it, kid.
Audrey: megan, don't you
Wanna say something to
Your brother before you go?
Megan: I hope ya don't die.
Josh: love you, too.
Man, I'm scared.
Drake: don't be scared, man.
Look, I'm gonna stay right
Here with you, ok? You got
Nothing to worry about.
[Beeping]
Oh. Hang on a second.
Got a text message.
Whoa, ariani just invited me
Over to go night swimming.
Josh: wait, wait, wait.
You're just gonna leave me
Here all alone?
Drake: ariani. Night swimming.
Dude, I gotta go.
Doctor: all right, student
Nurses. We're gonna take a
Minute break and then continue
With our tour.
Drake: I'm gonna stay
Right here with ya, man.
Josh: "once the foot is drained,
The surgeon must carefully and
Slowly scrape the metatarsal
Bones."
Woozy!
Drake: good afternoon.
Josh: oh, hey, doc.
Look, I was just on the
Internet, reading about foot
Surgery, and I wanted to
Ask you a couple questions--
Drake: yes?
Josh: what are you doin'?!
Drake: playing doctor.
Josh: playing?!
Drake: yeah. Dude, this
Hospital's like crawling with
Cute nurses.
Josh: so? They're all like
In their twenties.
They don't want to go out
With some guy in high school.
Drake: exactly. So I found this
Closet with doctor's stuff,
Put it on, and in the past
Half-hour, I've made like
Dates with the hottest nurses.
Josh: what?!
Drake: what?
Josh: you can't do that!
Drake: sure I can.
Look. Michelle's thursday,
Kristen's friday, lateesha's
Saturday. Ow!
You hurt me with a sandwich.
Josh: come here!
You can't impersonate a doctor!
It's against the law!
Drake: I'm not "impersonating" a
Doctor. I'm pretending to
Be one.
Josh: pretending to be a
Doctor is illegal!
If they catch you,
They will put you in jail.
Drake: oh. I would not do well
In jail.
Josh: yeah!
Drake: that's ok. I'll
Just take the doctor's stuff
Off and--
Dr. Carlson: josh nichols?
Hello there. I'm dr. Carlson.
I'll be doing the surgery on
Your foot in a few hours, so I
Thought I'd stop by to
Say--oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was
Interrupting. Doctor.
Drake: doctor.
Dr. Carlson: I don't think
We've met before.
Drake: uh...right, right.
You see, I'm just filling in.
Dr. Carlson: just filling in?
Just filling in?
Oh, my goodness! Of course!
You're dr. Nussbaum?!
Drake: yes. Yes, I'm
Dr. Pus-baum.
Josh: nussbaum.
Drake: nussbaum.
It's good to meet you.
Dr. Carlson: well, no, no,
Believe me. It's a pleasure for
Me to meet you. Just--
Students, please. Please, come
In here! All of you. All of
You. Come on in. Students,
May I introduce you to dr.
Elliot nussbaum, the
Youngest surgeon to ever
Graduate from harvard medical
School.
Drake: really?! I mean, yes.
That is what I did.
Dr. Carlson: we weren't
Expecting you until tonight.
Drake: oh, well, you know, you
Lose track of time when you're
So busy saving the lives.
Dr. Carlson: indeed. All of
These are medical students
At u.c.l.a.
Drake: ah.
Dr. Carlson: would you mind
Telling them your incredible
Story?
Drake: well...excuse me. They
Want to hear my story.
Josh: I'd tell 'em your story.
Drake: interesting. Uh...
Dr. Carlson: oh, I'm sorry. I
Should have known that you
Don't want to appear
Braggadocios.
Drake: yes. "Bragagadocios."
I know what that means.
Dr. Carlson: at the age of ,
Dr. Nussbaum graduated from
Harvard medical school.
Drake: right.
Dr. Carlson: by , he was
Published in the new england
Journal of medicine.
Drake: sure.
Dr. Carlson: and to think that
You grew up in kansas on a
Corn farm.
Drake: ah, yes. We grew all
Kinds of corn there. On the cob,
Popped, creamed.
Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha! Oh!
That's that nussbaum sense of
Humor that we've heard so
Much about.
Drake: uh, yes. Well, I should
Be going now. So many--
Dr. Carlson: wait just a minute.
Doctor, I'm just about
To perform a foot procedure on
A female patient of mine.
Drake: ah, yes! Female.
Dr. Carlson: and the doctors in
Training here would benefit
So much more by watching you do
It than myself.
Drake: oh, no, no, no.
Dr. Carlson: no, no, no.
Please, please, please, please.
It would be an honor to watch
A genius like yourself
Perform surgery.
Drake: no, really, I can't.
Dr. Carlson: why not?
Drake: I don't know how.
Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha ha!
A brilliant surgeon and funny!
Oh, score another one for
Nussbaum.
Drake: no. You don't understand.
I really have to go.
Dr. Carlson: oh, no, no, no,
Sir. You are in for such a
Treat. You are about to see
Genius perform surgery!
Right this way.
We won't take no for a--
Drake: no, sir, i--i can't.
Dr. Carlson: there we go.
Drake: any advice?
Josh: for the surgery or prison?
Dr. Carlson: doctor! This way.
Drake: ohhhhh.
Walter: pardon me, nurse?
Nurse: yes?
Walter: could you tell me what
Time my son's surgery is
Supposed to start?
His name is josh nichols.
Nurse: oh, I'm sorry.
He passed away.
Walter: what?!
Nurse: oh, wait.
Josh nichols.
His surgery doesn't begin
For a couple more hours.
Walter: thanks.
Nurse: sure.
Dr. Carlson: the operating room
Is right this way, doctor.
Drake: oh, you know, I really
Think you should be the one
Performing this operation.
Dr. Carlson: and miss the chance
To learn from a doctor like you?
Oh, no. This is the opportunity
Of a lifetime. Right this way.
Drake: uhh!
Dr. Carlson: right this way,
Dr. Nussbaum.
Drake: you know, I think it's
Really nice that you want me
To...uhhh...
Who are all these people?
Surgeon: I hope it's ok,
Dr. Nussbaum, but
When the hospital staff found
Out that you were performing
The surgery, well, everyone
Wanted to observe.
Drake: wow. How great.
So, foot surgery, huh?
What are we talkin' about?
An ingrown toenail or something?
Dr. Carlson: no, no.
This patient requires major
Reconstruction of the foot.
Drake: major?
Dr. Carlson: yes. She got that
Right foot got caught
In a food processor.
Drake: what was she making?!
Dr. Carlson: I don't know.
But boy, it makes you think,
Doesn't it?
Well, shall we scrub up?
Drake: oh, I'm cool.
I took a shower last night.
Dr. Carlson: ha ha ha ha!
My god, man, you are a joke
Machine.
Drake: yeah.
Audrey: megan!
Megan: yes, mommy?
Audrey: where are you?
Megan: um...
Hang on.
I'm in drake and josh's room.
Audrey: there you are.
Don't you want dinner?
I ordered chinese.
Megan: oh, cool. Sure.
Audrey: uh, what are you doing
In the boys' room?
Megan: oh, I just wanted to
Clean up a little, make sure
Everything's nice for josh when
He gets home from the hospital.
Audrey: you know, I don't think
Josh has any idea how lucky
He is to have a little sister
Like you.
Megan: it's ok.
His happiness is my reward.
Dr. Carlson: anytime you're
Ready, doctor.
Drake: ok.
Anesthesiologist: why don't
You start the operation already?
Drake: right. Uh...
I will first begin by making
A small incision by the
Big toe bone...
Josh: hello, everyone!
Sorry I am late!
Dr. Carlson: excuse me,
Who are you?
Josh: ha ha ha! I am dr.
Vishi-swoz.
Dr. Carlson: dr. Vishi-swoz?
I'm afraid I've never heard of--
Drake: yes! Doctor, I've been
Waiting for you.
Dr. Carlson: you know
Each other?
Josh: indeed. Dr. Nussbaum and I
Studied together
At the college of harvard.
Drake: yeah. You see, dr.
Vishi--
Josh: swoz...
Drake: ...swoz is actually my
Assistant.
Josh: I prefer to be
Thought of as a colleague.
Drake: colleague, assistant.
What's the difference?
Josh: well, it makes a
Difference to my mother!
Anesthesiologist: we must
Begin the surgery before
The anesthesia wears off!
Dr. Carlson: yes, doctor. We
Really need to be--
Josh: oh, ok, but before we
Start the surgery, I must
Speak to dr. Nussbaum privately.
Josh: ah, right. You see, we
Always chat before i--
Josh: ok. Excuse us, please!
Have you completely
Lost your mind!?
Drake: what?!
Josh: you're seriously gonna
Operate on a person?!
Drake: what am I supposed to
Do?!
Josh: tell them you're not
A real surgeon!
Drake: don't you think I want
To?! Man, you're the one that
Told me I could get arrested for
Pretending to be a doctor.
You tell me how to get out of
This!
Josh: ok.
All right. Just follow my lead.
Ha ha ha! Okey-dokey.
Dr. Nussbaum is ready for to
Do the surgery on the foot
Person.
Drake: I am?
Dr. Carlson: you are.
Drake: I am. Ok...
Well, I'll begin by making a
Small incision right here
By the tickle nerve. Here I go.
Josh: I kissed your wife.
Drake: what?
Josh: I kissed your wife.
Nurse: doctor nussbaum's
Married?
Josh: oh, yes!
Nurse: but he asked me out!
Second nurse: he asked me out!
Third nurse: he made out with
Me!
Dr. Carlson: nussbaum, you dog.
Is there anything this guy can't
Do?
Anesthesiologist: I wish he'd do
This surgery!
Dr. Carlson: yes, doctor. We
Really need to get--
Drake: you kissed my wife?!
Josh: I can't help it. She is so
Pretty and sweet smelling.
Drake: I can't believe you,
After all we've been through
Together at harvard?!
Josh: well, I am just a man!
Drake: yeah. A man who kissed my
Wife!
Dr. Carlson: doctor, I realize
This is an awkward moment,
Drake: I can't believe you,
Vishi-swoz!
Josh: well, it is your fault!
Drake: my fault?!
Josh: yes! You do not satisfy
Her needs.
Drake: don't you tell me about
My wife!
Josh: oh, I will tell you
Something about your wife, and
This is what it is.
Drake: you know, I ought to
Punch you, man!
Josh: so, you punch me. I will
Punch you back!
Drake: no! Hey, don't you walk
Away from me!
Josh: I am walking away!
Drake: you're talking about my
Wife! I wanna know what's been
Going on, vishi-swoz!
Patient: is my foot fixed?
Drake: hug me brothah!
Man, you were great!
Josh: yeah. You too, bro!
Drake: "vishi-swoz?"
Josh: it's a soup!
Drake: I must try some.
Josh: we better get all this
Stuff off.
Drake: yeah, you're right. Hey.
Here. Gimme. Man, you better get
Off that foot.
Josh: yeah. No doubt.
The little pants.
Ok, bad foot, bad foot.
Drake: sorry, sorry, sorry.
Josh: , , , go! I'm all
Right.
Drake: look, man, I'm really
Sorry about making you break
Your foot.
Josh: I'm sorry I kissed your
Wife.
Drake: how was she?
Josh: oh, excellent.
Dr. Carlson: excuse me.
Drake: oh. Hi, there. Um...
Listen, I'm really sorry
About that argument I got into
With my assistant. You know how
We doctors can be.
Dr. Carlson: yes, yes. Well, I
Was actually just coming down
To talk to you about that when I
Ran into somebody on the
Elevator.
Drake: who's he?
Dr. Carlson: this is
Dr. Nussbaum.
Josh: you mean he's an imposter?
Dr. Carlson: it would appear so.
Are you aware that you could go
To prison for impersonating a
Doctor?
[Glass shattering]
Josh: man, I cannot believe you
Jumped out that window.
Drake: I can't believe I broke
My arm.
Josh: yeah, but at least you
Don't have to worry about--
Uhh! Ok. Is it like really cold
In here?
Drake: yeah. Look. [Exhales]
Josh: it must be like
Degrees.
Megan: degrees and dropping.
Drake: all right, megan.
What'd you do?
Megan: I just modified the air
Conditioning in your room.
You guys did say you like it
Cold, right?
Josh: yeah. That's right.
Drake: yeah. We love it cold.
Josh: so if you thought this was
Gonna upset us, too bad!
Drake: didn't work.
Josh: so ha!
Drake: and ha!
Megan: good. Enjoy the weather.
Boobs.
Josh: well, it looks like we
Foiled her little plan.
Drake: yeah, so she made the
Room a little cold.
Like we care.
Josh: wanna watch some tv?
Drake: sure.
Character on tv: captain,
It appears we've been att*cked.
Josh: dude?
Drake: I know.
Drake: aw, here, come on, man.
Let me take you to the hospital.
Josh: no, no. I'll be fine.
Drake: come on. You said it was
Broken.
Josh: ow! I'm not going to any
Hospital. Look, I'm sure it's
Just a bruise.
Drake: man, I don't know what
Happened. I just shoved the
Potato in here but it wasn't
Supposed to go off until I
Pressed the--
[Thud]
[Potato sh**t fires]
Josh: pffft!
Man: mmm!