01x04 - Walks Of Shame
Posted: 12/06/23 13:35
[man panting]
[Chad] Sly is so f*cking ripped, dude.
Jesus Christ, look at those veins.
I do respect Arnie, but he's over-pumped.
It's not sustainable.
But Rambo's got working muscles.
Muscles you get building monasteries
in Thailand to atone for your sins.
Type of muscles you get
stick fighting dudes in Bangkok for fun.
And he rocks the f*ck out of those bangs.
sh*t, kiddo, you don't have to tell me.
And he wasn't afraid to flash
a little caboose
in First Blood II, either.
Mmm. Mmm.
- [chuckles softly]
- Hey Keep it clean, Mom, sh*t.
- I'll keep it anyway I like.
- g*dd*mn.
And what I like is an action hero
that's got the balls to show
his tight tuchus on camera.
Arnold did it, too. Gotta give him that.
- He did.
- And Van Damme?
Almost as a rule.
[laughing] And Seagal never did.
That pear-shaped poser
never had a tight tuchus.
Oh, you'd kick the sh*t out
of prime Seagal, pumpkin.
- f*cking A, I would, Mom. sh*t.
- [chuckles]
- [Chad] He's a commie now, by the way.
- Hmm.
Is that your, uh,
Pilates instructor friend?
Mmm-hmm.
Plan on seeing her again
before you ship out?
Nah, it's casual. Like, purely sexual.
- I know what casual is, dipshit.
- [chuckles softly]
I just thought you might look
for something a little more substantial.
It's a bit of a hard target
in my line of work, Mom.
I'm here one day,
I'm off to Canada for
a top secret joint special op the next.
You know how it goes.
Sure do.
Hey, you ready for more nachos?
You know it.
Mmm!
[groans loudly on TV]
f*ck, yeah! Rambo's the sh*t, Mom!
Why's this guy not our president?
[sighs]
[sobbing quietly]
"This isn't your w*r."
"It is now."
[Marge sniffles]
[sobbing quietly]
Oh, come on, Ma.
You're gonna make the nachos soggy.
Oh
Come on. Come on.
- [chuckles]
- [sighs]
I'll be back before you know it.
Not a scratch on me.
Damn well better.
[Chad groaning]
f*ck! f*ck.
[Ava] Is everybody okay? Maya?
I'm alive I think.
- [Ava] Paul, what happened? Paul?
- [breathing shakily]
Oh, sh*t.
- [Ava] The console's destroyed.
- He alive?
He's got a pulse.
How the f*ck that crash
didn't wake him up though?
[Chad] How the f*ck
does he still have a hard-on?
Comms check. Anyone getting this?
Negative. Gomez, anything?
Fried.
[Maya] My tablet! Thank God.
[Ava] Vulture's radio's dead.
I'm not getting any service.
No signal.
[Angela] What the hell?
Oh! Oh!
- f*ck!
- [Ava] What?
[hesitantly] I got no signal either.
sh*t. Lerner,
check your phone for service.
[Maya] Game over, man.
My f*cking phone's busted.
What the f*ck was that, Paul?
What was what?
You destroyed the console!
What? Why?
- That's what I'm f*cking asking you!
- [Ava] All right. Back off.
- f*ck.
- He might have a head injury.
[air hissing]
Jesus, your pupils are saucers.
[grunting]
Where are we?
We're in the middle of the desert.
We crash-landed.
We did?
[Ava] Hey, he's high as a kite.
I thought Paul didn't do dr*gs.
He doesn't. No alcohol, no fat, no fun.
There is definitely fun
in his system right now.
My daughter's in Vegas.
And fat. He said he ate
a bowl of guac at the party.
- What guac?
- [Ava] I don't understand the question.
I saw him eating it.
It was gross. It had pineapple in it.
f*cking Hagerty.
Hagerty what?
His b*mb guac is notorious
'cause he laces it with acid and shrooms
and pineapple.
- [in Spanish] sh*t.
- [in English] Oh, my God.
Look, he's on the magic bus
till it runs out of gas.
Let's focus.
We need to get to the Russian compound,
find the nuke, and rescue Trunk ASAP.
We're a few miles outside
of the objective. We continue on foot.
On foot?
Won't they know
that we've crashed and send backup?
You can't track the Vulture
in stealth mode.
We're on our own.
- [sighs]
- Yo! Paulie, you trippy f*ck!
- [in Spanish] f*cking Paul.
- Paul?
- [in English] Paul!
- Paul!
- [Ava] Paul!
- [Chad] Where the f*ck is he?
Should we spread out and look for him?
In partners, maybe?
[Ava] No, there's no time.
We have to get to the compound ASAP!
Paul has survival training.
Let's hope it overcomes
Hagerty's psychedelic chip dip!
So we're just going to leave him?
Here. This will help with navigation.
- Stole it off the console.
- You're gonna let me take the lead?
Relax, it's just a compass.
- [Chad] Ready?
- [Angela] Ready.
[Chad] Let's do it.
- Maya, we got to go.
- Let's go.
[Maya] This mission f*cking sucks.
[g*n cocks]
Get your comrades to drop their g*ns
and open the gate
or I'll blow your brains out
through your f*cked up ear.
[in Russian] He won't k*ll you,
you're his only leverage.
We can take the rest of them.
g*ns down.
Let them in!
[vehicles approaching]
No!
[g*ns cocking]
[man] Is nyet his final answer?
I'm not going to ask again.
Do it. Now!
[gate beeps]
Head back along our approach vector
where we saw
that m*llitary chopper go down.
Make sure there are no survivors.
Take Poncho. sh**t to k*ll.
If anyone's still alive out there,
it won't be for much longer.
[Poncho] Copy that.
Shall we?
Let's go, sugar.
I'm gonna be looking after you.
This fucker's heavy.
[Angela] This is a long haul, Chief,
and my body water percentage
has got to be in the single digits by now.
Won't be much good to the big fellow
if we're out of steam when we get there.
[grunts]
Yo, you and and Trunk have been acting
squirrelly as f*ck around each other
ever since the party.
Wanna tell me what's going on
or just keep gruntin'?
All right. This is classified.
At the party,
Trunk said he wanted
to talk to me about something
and I found out what it was.
He's into dudes.
I walked in on him in the shower
with one of the circus guys.
Okay, so now you know.
Maybe you can help me
figure out who these new players are.
Anyone with the money,
tactical resources
to go toe-to-toe with Koslov
has got to be on our radar somewhere.
Why aren't they?
I guess someone's
not so intelligence after all.
What?
It's a play on words. Read a book.
- You done?
- Are you?
All right, only gonna say this once.
McKnight was a drunken mistake
and none of your f*cking business.
Cut the jealous junior high sh*t
and get your head in the game.
You have a job to do.
- You were having sex in junior high?
- [sighs]
[Chad] What the f*ck you mean, "You knew?"
Well, it's not like he came out to me,
he just didn't hide it.
Why did he hide it from me?
Maybe he thought
you wouldn't be cool with it.
What? He knows I'm cool with you, and
He knows I love Queen and Top g*n.
What the f*ck, man?
[panting] You pussies need a break?
Fine. Fine.
I'll happily take lead for a bit.
We'll be right on your heels.
I love the sh*t out of you,
but you know
the minute you let eyes on Trunk,
you saw a beefier version
of yourself in all the ways.
And he idolizes you.
So when you're always talking
about getting p*ssy
and you just assume
he's going to want to be your wingman,
what is he supposed to do?
sh*t. I do talk about p*ssy a lot.
[Ava] Oh, sh*t!
Winters, you good?
I am. We may not be.
[Chad] Oh, f*ck. You gotta be kidding me.
God damn it, Paul!
Finally gets f*cked up
and ends up f*cking us all.
Anyone know how to move a mountain?
Hang on, Jen. I'm on my way
[grunts, groans]
[groans]
Jen
Service. Thank God.
[keys beeping]
Hey, it's Jen.
Don't leave a message.
[cell phone beeps]
She's at Caesars?
What the
- Oh!
- [distorted moaning]
Jen, no. That piece of sh*t!
f*ck!
- [engine revving]
- [laughter]
[people whooping]
[engine revving]
[in Russian] We're going
to freeze to death, thanks to you.
Don't worry, Vladislav.
I'm sure it's just a Siberian
Sunday stroll in there for your boys.
Oh, no, it's better than the alternative.
What is the alternative?
[breathing heavily]
Ugh.
Why don't you take a picture,
you f*cking creep?
It'll last longer.
f*ck you, you f*cking fuckface!
[screams]
[cries]
Argh!
Wake up!
Wake up! Wake up!
It's your command,
but you're in my world now,
and I am telling you,
it will take f*cking forever
to drag Hagerty over this sh*t
- and even longer to go around.
- Agreed.
And we're about a click away
from that compound as the crow flies.
Without that raft, Gomez and me
can get over there pretty f*cking fast.
- And then what?
- [grunts softly]
We don't even know who we're dealing with.
Strategic calls will need to be made
and you're not equipped to do that.
So I am going over with you.
Gomez and Maya will take Hagerty around.
You're kidding me, right?
Not even a little.
Trunk's on the other side of this
going through God knows what.
We're low on resources and time
and you want to send your marine sn*per
who's trained for this sh*t show
to babysit dead weight
along the scenic route?
I know you wanna get Trunk back.
I wanna get him back, too.
- Lana as well.
- So let's leave Hagerty here.
Let's go get 'em!
I'm not leaving our b*mb tech alone
in the middle of the f*cking desert!
You left Paul alone.
Paul was conscious.
Hagerty is the only person
who can disarm the nuke!
Once we have it secured
It's priority number one.
We f*ck that up, nothing else matters.
You have your orders.
You'll need this more than me.
Good luck, bro.
You too. Good luck, Tech Chick.
[sighs]
[grunts softly]
Are you injured?
No. I f*cking cut my hand in the crash.
Let's get moving. Try to keep up.
[upbeat music playing]
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
Good evening, sir. Welcome to Caesars.
- Any special instructions for this or
- Keep it.
[indistinct chatter]
[in Latin] My daughter
is also very promiscuous.
[man] Whoa! Big winners.
Congrats, edgy. That's a fat stack.
Hey, fan me out, fan me out.
[chuckling] Hey, congrats, y'all.
Yo, what the f*ck?
Where is my daughter?
How should I know?
I don't even know who you are.
Jen. Where is Jen?
Oh, you're Jen's dad!
It's all good, pops. She's up in our room.
Take me there. Now.
Okay.
[g*n cocking]
Captain Yung. Yes?
No sound or I sh**t kidney.
Very painful. You no like.
Understand?
- [elevator bell dings]
- Come now.
Both of you.
Hey, yo! Party foul.
Hey! Hey! Watch the jacket, bro!
I thought we were
supposed to be going around.
This is barely an incline.
Man the f*ck up.
- [grunting]
- [Angela] f*ck!
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry you have
to babysit this dead weight.
Look, I shouldn't have
called you deadweight, all right?
I only said that because
You are.
I'm just worried about Trunk
and pissed at Winters
for porking my program.
She's probably trying
to pork McKnight right now.
She's dreaming if she thinks
she'll milk another hate f*ck
out of that d*ck.
Hate f*ck? That's all it was?
According to him, yeah.
One and done. That's how we roll.
Oh! Oh, sh*t!
You wanted to smash pissers with Mac!
- Smash what?
- Yeah!
Ew! No. No, stop it. Stop. Okay, maybe.
[snickers]
I mean, have you seen those abs?
'Course I have.
Guy never met a shirt
he didn't want to peel off.
Listen, he's way the f*ck ahead of us now
with only Winters for backup.
So unless you want them
to have all the fun, get your ass moving.
Let's go. Vamos.
[Maya] Holy sh*t. Hagerty!
Can you check your phone?
There might be service up this high.
Negative.
f*ck!
I was supposed to check in with Langdon
on the hour. It's already half past.
He's liable to expect the worst.
f*cking A.
Send in the rest of my SEALs.
Send in the Marines.
Send in the f*cking Space Force.
Sends in anyone without knowing the score,
they might spook our new friends
into setting off a nuke.
We don't know the first thing
about them or their agenda.
They're ex-m*llitary. Most definitely ours.
What makes you say that?
The way they fought.
Their exfil cover was by our book.
Yeah I'm more than just a pretty face.
And I would know a lot more too
if you would let me
take Litvin when I wanted.
Or you would have
gotten nothing out of him.
We'd have no intel on this new faction,
no f*cking clue where the nuke is,
and we'd be worse off
than we are right now.
Guess again.
f*ck me.
Tried that already.
Didn't get us anywhere.
[coughing]
Ah! sh*t.
- Where are we?
- In a sauna.
I'm pretty sure
we're at the Russians' home base.
Those other guys kidnapped us
and locked us here.
Oh, sh*t. I'm sorry.
It's okay. I know I'm not your type.
What? You aren't?
You haven't eye-f*cked me once
since we met.
More than I can say
for your commando buddies.
Huh.
Ain't that some sh*t.
We just met
You already know things about me
that my best friend
just learned about tonight
- by accident.
- Oh!
That's why he was being so weird earlier?
He's trying too hard
to prove he's cool with it.
He's not?
McKnight just
looks at things and people
through a narrow scope.
But I can count on one thing.
He won't leave us here to die.
Rescue ops are underway as we speak.
I can guarantee that.
About that
they already came after us
in your helicopter.
It crashed.
No.
We've been through worse
and made it on the other side.
We're going to get through this.
- All of us.
- Careful.
This pervy guard
comes by every few minutes
to keep an eye on us. Mostly me.
Well, it's clear for now.
[grunting]
f*ck!
It's okay.
It was actually a really good try.
[panting heavily]
We're not going to die in here.
[timer beeping]
[man] Incredible.
You must send my regards to Mr. Koslov,
if you live to see him again.
I am the only one with the entry code.
So now what will you do?
Have your men break me for it?
Or you can negotiate as businessmen.
- Hmm. Quite a pickle.
- Mmm.
But I've got a third option in mind.
- Get me Mr. Dugan.
- Yes, sir.
[man] Where is Vladislav Litvin?
You know him.
Russian, this high.
One ear not so good.
[grunts]
Ow! f*ck, man!
Tell me where your team is holding Vlad,
and I punch no more.
[spits]
[grunts]
I don't know any Vlad Litvin.
And I'm not on any team.
Please.
We spot American m*llitary
from so many kilometers away.
Kilometers like miles, but make sense.
So stop telling lies.
Hey, uh, he's not lying, guy.
He's just here to find his daughter.
I'm her boyfriend.
We don't like to put labels on it.
We're dabbling in poly
[groans]
Daughter?
I bring her here,
you'll start telling some truth, I think.
[chuckles nervously]
[laughing]
Bacchanalia Suite.
[Paul] You m*therf*cker.
[in Russian] I won't be long.
[breathing heavily]
- [grunts]
- Ow! Can you stop?
[breathing heavily]
- [grunting]
- [groans]
[screams]
[grunts]
[Paul] You're f*cking dead.
[both grunting]
Oh! Face!
[groans]
Kick him in the d*ck. The d*ck!
[both grunting]
[screaming]
Yes!
Oh!
[laughing] Bro!
Yes!
[grunts]
Know what we could use?
- What's that?
- Helicopter.
Ha!
You ready?
- Do I have a choice? [sighs]
- No.
- Sucks, don't it?
- Can you see the ground?
No, but I'm sure
it's down there somewhere.
I'm going to suss out a safe route.
All you got to do is follow it,
hold for hold.
That's one way to look up my dress.
- Nothing I haven't seen already.
- Fair enough.
All right, let's do this.
[grunts]
- Ava. Hang on.
- [grunting]
You're gonna be all right.
- [rocks crumbling]
- [grunts]
I can't hang on. Oh, f*ck.
- McKnight, I'm slipping.
- Ava, I got you!
[both screaming]
- [Chad coughs]
- [grunts]
[inhales sharply, coughs]
f*ck me.
We tried that already.
Didn't get us anywhere.
[chuckles dryly]
[gasps]
Oh, Jesus, McKnight. You're leaking.
[groaning] I got shrapnel in the crash.
It's no big whoop.
Uh, some big whoop.
We gotta close you up
before you bleed to death.
There's nothing we can do here.
We gotta keep moving.
[light clicks]
- [g*n cocking]
- [woman] Hands to the sky, f*ck sticks.
Who the hell are you?
And what y'all doing on my property?
Oh, sh*t.
And you think I'm dead weight?
Thank God I cleaned his ass.
What?
[grunting] Long story.
Hey, you should just go on without me.
I can stay here with Hagerty and the raft
and you'll be free to Marine raid
the Russian compound.
There's enough room.
It's not like Titanic.
I can just curl up,
take a nap, wait 'til you get back.
No deal, Lerner. Off your ass, let's go!
What for? [exhales heavily]
There's nothing I can do without
my tablet, phone, or laptop.
Just like there's nothing I could do
to stop Litvin.
I'm just Tech Chick, without any tech
I'm just chick.
Yeah, well, I missed Litvin, too
And I had a sh*t at the guy
who grabbed Trunk,
but my eyes were doing
a molly dance to take it.
You're not the only one
who came up short back there.
Gomez, I didn't know I'm
I'm sorry.
sh*t happens. You move on
Which is what we should be doing,
so hop to.
Okay.
[crashing]
- [screams]
- Lerner!
- [grunts]
- You okay?
I think so. Where am I?
I don't know.
Must be some old mining shaft.
Can you get out?
I can't see anything!
[groans] f*ck! I skinned my knee.
Gomez?
Hello?
Heads-up!
[screams]
- You hear that?
- Coyote?
Hope not.
[man] No visual contact yet,
but we might have heard signs of life.
Okay, well, hunt 'em down.
Ah! There he is.
Mr. Dugan, this is Vlad.
Vlad is a businessman.
Vlad, this is Mr. Dugan.
He's my expl*sives expert.
You are going to blow the door?
Are you insane?
Insane? Depends on who you ask.
But dedicated to my objective
and out of patience?
Absolutely.
[drill whirring]
Hot enough for ya?
Come in and find out.
[chuckles] You just want to f*ck me
all of a sudden, huh?
Honestly, I'd f*ck you
just for the fresh air you'd bring in
when you open that door.
Oh, yeah? Convince me.
[moans softly]
How's this?
[moans softly]
You like that?
Don't worry about him. He's worthless.
Just a heads-up,
I'm going to enjoy this
a lot more than you.
[chuckles]
You never know.
[screams]
Did you call me worthless?
Sorry.
[Trunk] That's what you get
for thinking with your d*ck.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
Stay behind me.
[shushes]
[Maya] Gomez! Hurry!
They're creepy crawling all over me!
- [Angela] I'm going as fast as I can.
- [whimpering]
[Maya] I think they're
attracted to the light.
- [screams]
- It's a rope, Lerner! Grab it!
Ah, sh*t. Okay.
Pull me up. Pull me up!
I can't. There's no leverage.
Tie it around you like a belt.
And walk yourself up
the wall of the pit while I brace you.
Walk myself up the wall?
Who am I Spider-Man?
Yeah, obviously not,
but unless you want to die down there,
get moving!
Get it tight, and put your
feet up flat against the side,
and lean back as far as you can.
[Maya] Oh, f*ck!
That's it!
[grunts] f*ck!
Get your sh*t together, Lerner.
You're a key f*cking member
of an elite f*cking team,
and the best f*cking hacker in the world.
If you could climb
to the top of that food chain,
you can climb out of this f*cking pit.
That's what I'm talking about!
- [grunting]
- Yes! Climb that sh*t!
- [grunting]
- f*ck yeah!
Holy sh*t. I'm alive.
Hey, you're stronger than you think.
No more tripping, no more bitching
and no more self-pitying.
Ready?
I was born ready.
No, you weren't.
Reborn. Been reborn ready.
They drew first blood, not me.
- [shudders]
- It's okay.
You're okay.
[exhales]
Oh, Christ, it's about time.
Y'all can make googly eyes
at each other later.
We have a deal. Do you not remember?
I let you fix the stud
and then you answer
my m*therf*cking questions.
What the f*ck y'all doing
way the f*ck out here?
- [g*n cocks]
- Stud, you spying on me?
[chuckling] Stud.
That's what she calls me.
[clicks tongue]
We're getting hitched tomorrow.
So we decided to treat ourselves
to a moonlight helicopter tour tonight
and something went haywire
and I guess we crash-landed
Will you please shut up?
Listen, you are a sexy slab of beef,
but you're full of sh*t.
Your turn, sweet tits.
We're part of a covert Special Forces team
in pursuit of Russian arms dealers
who smuggled a nuke into the country.
And yes, our chopper did crash.
So we're continuing on foot because,
even though I am half drunk
and he is fully drunk and high,
we're the only people who can
keep it from getting blown to hell.
I f*cking knew it.
All them commie bastards,
they just don't know when to quit,
now do they? [cackles]
Crazy Susan
at your service.
- Did you say "Crazy Susan"?
- Yes.
My ex-husband used to call me that,
so I am reclaiming that sh*t.
Stud, that wound gonna fester
if you don't get some disinfectant on it.
Stand fast, soldier.
[grunts] Wow. You read her like a book.
It's kind of what I do.
Noted.
Ah! I wouldn't have guessed
b*ttlefield surgery is something you do.
- Where'd you pick that up?
- b*ttlefield.
They don't all look the same, you know?
Fair enough.
Yeah, that's gonna leave a gnarly scar.
Don't b*at yourself up. Chicks dig 'em.
Maybe I should
just let you bleed out instead.
[chuckles] Nah.
You wouldn't miss our repartee.
[grunts]
[exhales deeply] Winters
What?
Thank you.
Oh! You're welcome.
Just glad you're all right.
And it's the least I can do
after what you did for me on that cliff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I saved your life. You save my life?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Homemade shine. Old family recipe.
Pour some of that on your gut.
Or pour it in your guts.
Whatever blows that golden hair back.
I disinfect from the inside out.
- f*ck!
- [laughs]
I really need
to get in touch with my boss.
- Any chance you have a phone
- f*ck no, I don't have no phone!
You think I'm gonna let
the government tap my sh*t?
Oh! I do have a CB radio,
but all you can raise on that
is long-haul truckers
who want to get a wank.
If you're into that sort of thing.
- I am into that sort of thing.
- Cool.
Copy, thank you so much
for your hospitality.
We should get to it. Can you move?
Good as new,
but we're still low on fire power.
Hey, CS, are you willing to donate
that Remington to our cause.
sh*t, hell. [chuckles]
I can do better than that.
[grunts]
Booyah!
[Chad] Holy sh*t. It's Rambo's wet dream.
- Where did you get all this stuff?
- f*ck, yes.
[Crazy Susan]
k*lling mother-f*cking Russkies 'R Us!
[elevator bell dings]
Whoa! Whoa! Dude!
I put this on my mom's Mastercard.
Ding! I always, get multiples in Vegas.
You never know who might join the party.
[lock beeps]
They trashed the place.
To be honest, dog,
it was mostly us. [chuckles]
Oh, man!
They broke my f*ck swing!
I had this sh*t made custom!
- [grunts]
- [screams]
Say another f*cking word
and I'll choke you to death.
[sobbing]
Hey, Big Papa, what's wrong?
They took Jen, you f*cking idiot.
sh*t. Where?
[cell phone ringing]
[Paul] The Russian's phone.
[man] Yuri, we're at The Syndicate.
I have the girl.
Bring the father and the moron to me.
Yuri, you there?
f*ck!
What's The Syndicate?
It's an old-timey, Vegas,
gangster-vibe late-night spot.
Just off The Strip. A block from here.
Go down and call the police.
Check, check. What you going to do?
I'm going to get my daughter back.
Ooh!
Am I talking to you?
Why didn't you just k*ll him?
Who knows how many men are in this place.
We gotta get out before they know
we're gone and call for backup.
We can't risk being discovered.
[door closing]
[sniffs]
[inhales, stomach rumbles]
[drill whirring]
[Lana] Why are you stopping?
Exit's right in front of us.
Wait.
- [Vlad] You are bluffing.
- [man] Am I?
Or are you simply underestimating
my resolve again.
You'd risk setting off nuke
and k*lling us all.
Not if you give me the door code.
Then I can just walk in and take it.
It's your call. I'm good either way.
The nuke is here.
Okay. New plan.
I'm gonna go down.
Take all those guys out.
Secure the w*apon.
You get out of here and call for back up.
- No, I'm not going anywhere alone
- [shushes]
[whispers] If you're staying, so am I.
You're stuck with me.
Okay, but you stay behind me
the entire time.
Okay.
["Runnin' With The Devil" by Van Halen playing]
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Ah, yeah! ♪
I live my life
♪ Like there's no tomorrow ♪
It ain't the fastest rig on two wheels,
but it'll get you there
quicker than two feet.
Thank you, CS. We owe you one.
[kisses]
Highlight of my week.
- Oh, sh*t.
- Stay cool, homie.
- You're letting me drive?
- Relax. It's just a bike.
[Ava] Thank you, Susan.
[Crazy Susan]
Go get 'em, you sexy m*therf*ckers!
♪ Whoo-hoo-oo! ♪
[grunts]
♪ Runnin' with the Devil ♪
♪ Say one more time ♪
♪ Runnin' with the Devil ♪
There he is.
[song stops playing]
[g*ns f*ring]
Dad!
- Jen!
- Help me!
- [g*nshots]
- What's wrong?
- [g*n fires]
- [exclaims] Who the hell is that?
- Who are they sh**ting at?
- Us. Behind me.
Stay low, come on.
[g*n f*ring]
[Jen] Daddy!
Dad, help!
Maya, come on.
[rapid g*nf*re]
- Dad!
- Jen!
[grunting]
[groans]
[g*n clicking]
- Now, you die.
- [whimpers]
But first, I make you watch me
sh**t your daughter in the head!
[distorted] No, my dude!
[groans]
[in normal voice]
f*ck, yeah, fam! [grunts]
[breathing heavily]
It's okay. I'm here, baby.
- Daddy's here. Daddy's here.
- [crying]
Well, that would be a first! Wouldn't it?
Where were you
when we were taking prom photos?
Where have you been
my entire f*cking life?
I'm so sorry!
Honey, I'm sorry!
Daddy's here, I love you!
[Angela] Yo!
What the f*ck, dude?
[Paul] Jen where
What is this? What's happening?
[Maya] Paul?
Are you okay, buddy?
[metal rattling]
[g*n cocks]
Mac?
[Chad] Hell, yeah!
And you found Captain AWOL.
You guys all right? We heard g*nf*re.
- Us too.
- Paul, you okay, bud?
Where's Jen?
- Who's Jen?
- His daughter.
Hey, Paul,
remember that guacamole you ate?
Turns out it contained large quantities
of psilocybin and LSD.
So you're most likely experiencing
extremely vivid and lucid hallucinations.
You're tripping balls, bud.
I'm not in Vegas?
No, you're in the desert.
That's okay.
We're going to take care of you.
[Paul] But I stole an ATV.
I drove it to Vegas.
[Chad] He emptied the whole mag.
What the hell
are you sh**t' at, Air Force?
[Paul] Russians. I k*lled them all.
What's up? You okay? What happened?
Yeah. It's nothing.
How do I know
this isn't the hallucination?
What makes you real?
I don't know.
Holy sh*t.
Yo Yung went to town on this sh*t.
Paul has some darkness.
[Paul] Why do you smell
like whipped cream and crotches?
[Maya] That's You're
You're imaging that.
[Chad] No
f*ck yeah.
Hey, Paul didn't hallucinate everything!
There's an ATV over here.
- [Ava] What? Holy sh*t!
- f*ck yeah.
Yo, found the keys, Mac.
See? I drove that to Caesars
and k*lled all the bad guys. I swear.
Thank Christ you brought her back, Paulie.
Now we'll be able to make up
some of the time we lost out here.
Good job, k*ller.
[Angela] Okay.
Bro, let's go get Hagerty
and get the f*ck to that compound finally.
[engine revving]
[Dugan] The expl*sives are all set.
Just say when.
At the risk of sounding trite,
last chance.
American m*llitary
has captured Ivan Koslov.
That is why our timetable had to shift.
What's the plan?
First, I'm gonna k*ll
the fucker in charge,
then the rest of them.
Then I'm gonna take the b*mb.
But, hey, if this sh*t goes south,
you get the f*ck out of here.
If they catch you,
you act like you're scared shitless.
Put on a show. I know you can do that.
And with this, if they come close to you,
put the pointy part somewhere soft.
Okay?
I'll be back.
If you could just wait a little longer,
you can get your b*mb.
You can still destroy Las Vegas
in a matter of hours.
Las Vegas is just the beginning.
Our plans are far more expl*sive.
I suggest you get out of your seat.
Fire in the hole!
[screams]
[timer beeping]
Don't f*cking move. I'm taking the nuke.
[Lana] Trunk, help!
So your g*n goes down or mine goes off.
Make your call now,
or I will make it for you.
Fine.
But don't f*cking touch her!
[man] Ehren.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Your timing, as ever, is impeccable.
Put Mr. Litvin in the freezer
with the rest of them.
[man 2] Yes, sir.
We are behind schedule.
We don't have another four hours to waste.
Can you get the timer off?
I'll have a look. Might take a bit.
Oh, so you the head bitch in charge, huh?
Well, I am the bitch with the nuke
and you're the bitch in cuffs.
So, yeah!
Sure looks that way, doesn't it?
What do you want me to do with them?
[man] Find out who they're working for,
and how they know about the warehouse.
You have as long as it takes Mr. Dugan
to finish removing the timer.
So be creative.
[Chad] Get ready! We're almost there!
[Chad] Sly is so f*cking ripped, dude.
Jesus Christ, look at those veins.
I do respect Arnie, but he's over-pumped.
It's not sustainable.
But Rambo's got working muscles.
Muscles you get building monasteries
in Thailand to atone for your sins.
Type of muscles you get
stick fighting dudes in Bangkok for fun.
And he rocks the f*ck out of those bangs.
sh*t, kiddo, you don't have to tell me.
And he wasn't afraid to flash
a little caboose
in First Blood II, either.
Mmm. Mmm.
- [chuckles softly]
- Hey Keep it clean, Mom, sh*t.
- I'll keep it anyway I like.
- g*dd*mn.
And what I like is an action hero
that's got the balls to show
his tight tuchus on camera.
Arnold did it, too. Gotta give him that.
- He did.
- And Van Damme?
Almost as a rule.
[laughing] And Seagal never did.
That pear-shaped poser
never had a tight tuchus.
Oh, you'd kick the sh*t out
of prime Seagal, pumpkin.
- f*cking A, I would, Mom. sh*t.
- [chuckles]
- [Chad] He's a commie now, by the way.
- Hmm.
Is that your, uh,
Pilates instructor friend?
Mmm-hmm.
Plan on seeing her again
before you ship out?
Nah, it's casual. Like, purely sexual.
- I know what casual is, dipshit.
- [chuckles softly]
I just thought you might look
for something a little more substantial.
It's a bit of a hard target
in my line of work, Mom.
I'm here one day,
I'm off to Canada for
a top secret joint special op the next.
You know how it goes.
Sure do.
Hey, you ready for more nachos?
You know it.
Mmm!
[groans loudly on TV]
f*ck, yeah! Rambo's the sh*t, Mom!
Why's this guy not our president?
[sighs]
[sobbing quietly]
"This isn't your w*r."
"It is now."
[Marge sniffles]
[sobbing quietly]
Oh, come on, Ma.
You're gonna make the nachos soggy.
Oh
Come on. Come on.
- [chuckles]
- [sighs]
I'll be back before you know it.
Not a scratch on me.
Damn well better.
[Chad groaning]
f*ck! f*ck.
[Ava] Is everybody okay? Maya?
I'm alive I think.
- [Ava] Paul, what happened? Paul?
- [breathing shakily]
Oh, sh*t.
- [Ava] The console's destroyed.
- He alive?
He's got a pulse.
How the f*ck that crash
didn't wake him up though?
[Chad] How the f*ck
does he still have a hard-on?
Comms check. Anyone getting this?
Negative. Gomez, anything?
Fried.
[Maya] My tablet! Thank God.
[Ava] Vulture's radio's dead.
I'm not getting any service.
No signal.
[Angela] What the hell?
Oh! Oh!
- f*ck!
- [Ava] What?
[hesitantly] I got no signal either.
sh*t. Lerner,
check your phone for service.
[Maya] Game over, man.
My f*cking phone's busted.
What the f*ck was that, Paul?
What was what?
You destroyed the console!
What? Why?
- That's what I'm f*cking asking you!
- [Ava] All right. Back off.
- f*ck.
- He might have a head injury.
[air hissing]
Jesus, your pupils are saucers.
[grunting]
Where are we?
We're in the middle of the desert.
We crash-landed.
We did?
[Ava] Hey, he's high as a kite.
I thought Paul didn't do dr*gs.
He doesn't. No alcohol, no fat, no fun.
There is definitely fun
in his system right now.
My daughter's in Vegas.
And fat. He said he ate
a bowl of guac at the party.
- What guac?
- [Ava] I don't understand the question.
I saw him eating it.
It was gross. It had pineapple in it.
f*cking Hagerty.
Hagerty what?
His b*mb guac is notorious
'cause he laces it with acid and shrooms
and pineapple.
- [in Spanish] sh*t.
- [in English] Oh, my God.
Look, he's on the magic bus
till it runs out of gas.
Let's focus.
We need to get to the Russian compound,
find the nuke, and rescue Trunk ASAP.
We're a few miles outside
of the objective. We continue on foot.
On foot?
Won't they know
that we've crashed and send backup?
You can't track the Vulture
in stealth mode.
We're on our own.
- [sighs]
- Yo! Paulie, you trippy f*ck!
- [in Spanish] f*cking Paul.
- Paul?
- [in English] Paul!
- Paul!
- [Ava] Paul!
- [Chad] Where the f*ck is he?
Should we spread out and look for him?
In partners, maybe?
[Ava] No, there's no time.
We have to get to the compound ASAP!
Paul has survival training.
Let's hope it overcomes
Hagerty's psychedelic chip dip!
So we're just going to leave him?
Here. This will help with navigation.
- Stole it off the console.
- You're gonna let me take the lead?
Relax, it's just a compass.
- [Chad] Ready?
- [Angela] Ready.
[Chad] Let's do it.
- Maya, we got to go.
- Let's go.
[Maya] This mission f*cking sucks.
[g*n cocks]
Get your comrades to drop their g*ns
and open the gate
or I'll blow your brains out
through your f*cked up ear.
[in Russian] He won't k*ll you,
you're his only leverage.
We can take the rest of them.
g*ns down.
Let them in!
[vehicles approaching]
No!
[g*ns cocking]
[man] Is nyet his final answer?
I'm not going to ask again.
Do it. Now!
[gate beeps]
Head back along our approach vector
where we saw
that m*llitary chopper go down.
Make sure there are no survivors.
Take Poncho. sh**t to k*ll.
If anyone's still alive out there,
it won't be for much longer.
[Poncho] Copy that.
Shall we?
Let's go, sugar.
I'm gonna be looking after you.
This fucker's heavy.
[Angela] This is a long haul, Chief,
and my body water percentage
has got to be in the single digits by now.
Won't be much good to the big fellow
if we're out of steam when we get there.
[grunts]
Yo, you and and Trunk have been acting
squirrelly as f*ck around each other
ever since the party.
Wanna tell me what's going on
or just keep gruntin'?
All right. This is classified.
At the party,
Trunk said he wanted
to talk to me about something
and I found out what it was.
He's into dudes.
I walked in on him in the shower
with one of the circus guys.
Okay, so now you know.
Maybe you can help me
figure out who these new players are.
Anyone with the money,
tactical resources
to go toe-to-toe with Koslov
has got to be on our radar somewhere.
Why aren't they?
I guess someone's
not so intelligence after all.
What?
It's a play on words. Read a book.
- You done?
- Are you?
All right, only gonna say this once.
McKnight was a drunken mistake
and none of your f*cking business.
Cut the jealous junior high sh*t
and get your head in the game.
You have a job to do.
- You were having sex in junior high?
- [sighs]
[Chad] What the f*ck you mean, "You knew?"
Well, it's not like he came out to me,
he just didn't hide it.
Why did he hide it from me?
Maybe he thought
you wouldn't be cool with it.
What? He knows I'm cool with you, and
He knows I love Queen and Top g*n.
What the f*ck, man?
[panting] You pussies need a break?
Fine. Fine.
I'll happily take lead for a bit.
We'll be right on your heels.
I love the sh*t out of you,
but you know
the minute you let eyes on Trunk,
you saw a beefier version
of yourself in all the ways.
And he idolizes you.
So when you're always talking
about getting p*ssy
and you just assume
he's going to want to be your wingman,
what is he supposed to do?
sh*t. I do talk about p*ssy a lot.
[Ava] Oh, sh*t!
Winters, you good?
I am. We may not be.
[Chad] Oh, f*ck. You gotta be kidding me.
God damn it, Paul!
Finally gets f*cked up
and ends up f*cking us all.
Anyone know how to move a mountain?
Hang on, Jen. I'm on my way
[grunts, groans]
[groans]
Jen
Service. Thank God.
[keys beeping]
Hey, it's Jen.
Don't leave a message.
[cell phone beeps]
She's at Caesars?
What the
- Oh!
- [distorted moaning]
Jen, no. That piece of sh*t!
f*ck!
- [engine revving]
- [laughter]
[people whooping]
[engine revving]
[in Russian] We're going
to freeze to death, thanks to you.
Don't worry, Vladislav.
I'm sure it's just a Siberian
Sunday stroll in there for your boys.
Oh, no, it's better than the alternative.
What is the alternative?
[breathing heavily]
Ugh.
Why don't you take a picture,
you f*cking creep?
It'll last longer.
f*ck you, you f*cking fuckface!
[screams]
[cries]
Argh!
Wake up!
Wake up! Wake up!
It's your command,
but you're in my world now,
and I am telling you,
it will take f*cking forever
to drag Hagerty over this sh*t
- and even longer to go around.
- Agreed.
And we're about a click away
from that compound as the crow flies.
Without that raft, Gomez and me
can get over there pretty f*cking fast.
- And then what?
- [grunts softly]
We don't even know who we're dealing with.
Strategic calls will need to be made
and you're not equipped to do that.
So I am going over with you.
Gomez and Maya will take Hagerty around.
You're kidding me, right?
Not even a little.
Trunk's on the other side of this
going through God knows what.
We're low on resources and time
and you want to send your marine sn*per
who's trained for this sh*t show
to babysit dead weight
along the scenic route?
I know you wanna get Trunk back.
I wanna get him back, too.
- Lana as well.
- So let's leave Hagerty here.
Let's go get 'em!
I'm not leaving our b*mb tech alone
in the middle of the f*cking desert!
You left Paul alone.
Paul was conscious.
Hagerty is the only person
who can disarm the nuke!
Once we have it secured
It's priority number one.
We f*ck that up, nothing else matters.
You have your orders.
You'll need this more than me.
Good luck, bro.
You too. Good luck, Tech Chick.
[sighs]
[grunts softly]
Are you injured?
No. I f*cking cut my hand in the crash.
Let's get moving. Try to keep up.
[upbeat music playing]
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
Good evening, sir. Welcome to Caesars.
- Any special instructions for this or
- Keep it.
[indistinct chatter]
[in Latin] My daughter
is also very promiscuous.
[man] Whoa! Big winners.
Congrats, edgy. That's a fat stack.
Hey, fan me out, fan me out.
[chuckling] Hey, congrats, y'all.
Yo, what the f*ck?
Where is my daughter?
How should I know?
I don't even know who you are.
Jen. Where is Jen?
Oh, you're Jen's dad!
It's all good, pops. She's up in our room.
Take me there. Now.
Okay.
[g*n cocking]
Captain Yung. Yes?
No sound or I sh**t kidney.
Very painful. You no like.
Understand?
- [elevator bell dings]
- Come now.
Both of you.
Hey, yo! Party foul.
Hey! Hey! Watch the jacket, bro!
I thought we were
supposed to be going around.
This is barely an incline.
Man the f*ck up.
- [grunting]
- [Angela] f*ck!
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry you have
to babysit this dead weight.
Look, I shouldn't have
called you deadweight, all right?
I only said that because
You are.
I'm just worried about Trunk
and pissed at Winters
for porking my program.
She's probably trying
to pork McKnight right now.
She's dreaming if she thinks
she'll milk another hate f*ck
out of that d*ck.
Hate f*ck? That's all it was?
According to him, yeah.
One and done. That's how we roll.
Oh! Oh, sh*t!
You wanted to smash pissers with Mac!
- Smash what?
- Yeah!
Ew! No. No, stop it. Stop. Okay, maybe.
[snickers]
I mean, have you seen those abs?
'Course I have.
Guy never met a shirt
he didn't want to peel off.
Listen, he's way the f*ck ahead of us now
with only Winters for backup.
So unless you want them
to have all the fun, get your ass moving.
Let's go. Vamos.
[Maya] Holy sh*t. Hagerty!
Can you check your phone?
There might be service up this high.
Negative.
f*ck!
I was supposed to check in with Langdon
on the hour. It's already half past.
He's liable to expect the worst.
f*cking A.
Send in the rest of my SEALs.
Send in the Marines.
Send in the f*cking Space Force.
Sends in anyone without knowing the score,
they might spook our new friends
into setting off a nuke.
We don't know the first thing
about them or their agenda.
They're ex-m*llitary. Most definitely ours.
What makes you say that?
The way they fought.
Their exfil cover was by our book.
Yeah I'm more than just a pretty face.
And I would know a lot more too
if you would let me
take Litvin when I wanted.
Or you would have
gotten nothing out of him.
We'd have no intel on this new faction,
no f*cking clue where the nuke is,
and we'd be worse off
than we are right now.
Guess again.
f*ck me.
Tried that already.
Didn't get us anywhere.
[coughing]
Ah! sh*t.
- Where are we?
- In a sauna.
I'm pretty sure
we're at the Russians' home base.
Those other guys kidnapped us
and locked us here.
Oh, sh*t. I'm sorry.
It's okay. I know I'm not your type.
What? You aren't?
You haven't eye-f*cked me once
since we met.
More than I can say
for your commando buddies.
Huh.
Ain't that some sh*t.
We just met
You already know things about me
that my best friend
just learned about tonight
- by accident.
- Oh!
That's why he was being so weird earlier?
He's trying too hard
to prove he's cool with it.
He's not?
McKnight just
looks at things and people
through a narrow scope.
But I can count on one thing.
He won't leave us here to die.
Rescue ops are underway as we speak.
I can guarantee that.
About that
they already came after us
in your helicopter.
It crashed.
No.
We've been through worse
and made it on the other side.
We're going to get through this.
- All of us.
- Careful.
This pervy guard
comes by every few minutes
to keep an eye on us. Mostly me.
Well, it's clear for now.
[grunting]
f*ck!
It's okay.
It was actually a really good try.
[panting heavily]
We're not going to die in here.
[timer beeping]
[man] Incredible.
You must send my regards to Mr. Koslov,
if you live to see him again.
I am the only one with the entry code.
So now what will you do?
Have your men break me for it?
Or you can negotiate as businessmen.
- Hmm. Quite a pickle.
- Mmm.
But I've got a third option in mind.
- Get me Mr. Dugan.
- Yes, sir.
[man] Where is Vladislav Litvin?
You know him.
Russian, this high.
One ear not so good.
[grunts]
Ow! f*ck, man!
Tell me where your team is holding Vlad,
and I punch no more.
[spits]
[grunts]
I don't know any Vlad Litvin.
And I'm not on any team.
Please.
We spot American m*llitary
from so many kilometers away.
Kilometers like miles, but make sense.
So stop telling lies.
Hey, uh, he's not lying, guy.
He's just here to find his daughter.
I'm her boyfriend.
We don't like to put labels on it.
We're dabbling in poly
[groans]
Daughter?
I bring her here,
you'll start telling some truth, I think.
[chuckles nervously]
[laughing]
Bacchanalia Suite.
[Paul] You m*therf*cker.
[in Russian] I won't be long.
[breathing heavily]
- [grunts]
- Ow! Can you stop?
[breathing heavily]
- [grunting]
- [groans]
[screams]
[grunts]
[Paul] You're f*cking dead.
[both grunting]
Oh! Face!
[groans]
Kick him in the d*ck. The d*ck!
[both grunting]
[screaming]
Yes!
Oh!
[laughing] Bro!
Yes!
[grunts]
Know what we could use?
- What's that?
- Helicopter.
Ha!
You ready?
- Do I have a choice? [sighs]
- No.
- Sucks, don't it?
- Can you see the ground?
No, but I'm sure
it's down there somewhere.
I'm going to suss out a safe route.
All you got to do is follow it,
hold for hold.
That's one way to look up my dress.
- Nothing I haven't seen already.
- Fair enough.
All right, let's do this.
[grunts]
- Ava. Hang on.
- [grunting]
You're gonna be all right.
- [rocks crumbling]
- [grunts]
I can't hang on. Oh, f*ck.
- McKnight, I'm slipping.
- Ava, I got you!
[both screaming]
- [Chad coughs]
- [grunts]
[inhales sharply, coughs]
f*ck me.
We tried that already.
Didn't get us anywhere.
[chuckles dryly]
[gasps]
Oh, Jesus, McKnight. You're leaking.
[groaning] I got shrapnel in the crash.
It's no big whoop.
Uh, some big whoop.
We gotta close you up
before you bleed to death.
There's nothing we can do here.
We gotta keep moving.
[light clicks]
- [g*n cocking]
- [woman] Hands to the sky, f*ck sticks.
Who the hell are you?
And what y'all doing on my property?
Oh, sh*t.
And you think I'm dead weight?
Thank God I cleaned his ass.
What?
[grunting] Long story.
Hey, you should just go on without me.
I can stay here with Hagerty and the raft
and you'll be free to Marine raid
the Russian compound.
There's enough room.
It's not like Titanic.
I can just curl up,
take a nap, wait 'til you get back.
No deal, Lerner. Off your ass, let's go!
What for? [exhales heavily]
There's nothing I can do without
my tablet, phone, or laptop.
Just like there's nothing I could do
to stop Litvin.
I'm just Tech Chick, without any tech
I'm just chick.
Yeah, well, I missed Litvin, too
And I had a sh*t at the guy
who grabbed Trunk,
but my eyes were doing
a molly dance to take it.
You're not the only one
who came up short back there.
Gomez, I didn't know I'm
I'm sorry.
sh*t happens. You move on
Which is what we should be doing,
so hop to.
Okay.
[crashing]
- [screams]
- Lerner!
- [grunts]
- You okay?
I think so. Where am I?
I don't know.
Must be some old mining shaft.
Can you get out?
I can't see anything!
[groans] f*ck! I skinned my knee.
Gomez?
Hello?
Heads-up!
[screams]
- You hear that?
- Coyote?
Hope not.
[man] No visual contact yet,
but we might have heard signs of life.
Okay, well, hunt 'em down.
Ah! There he is.
Mr. Dugan, this is Vlad.
Vlad is a businessman.
Vlad, this is Mr. Dugan.
He's my expl*sives expert.
You are going to blow the door?
Are you insane?
Insane? Depends on who you ask.
But dedicated to my objective
and out of patience?
Absolutely.
[drill whirring]
Hot enough for ya?
Come in and find out.
[chuckles] You just want to f*ck me
all of a sudden, huh?
Honestly, I'd f*ck you
just for the fresh air you'd bring in
when you open that door.
Oh, yeah? Convince me.
[moans softly]
How's this?
[moans softly]
You like that?
Don't worry about him. He's worthless.
Just a heads-up,
I'm going to enjoy this
a lot more than you.
[chuckles]
You never know.
[screams]
Did you call me worthless?
Sorry.
[Trunk] That's what you get
for thinking with your d*ck.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
Stay behind me.
[shushes]
[Maya] Gomez! Hurry!
They're creepy crawling all over me!
- [Angela] I'm going as fast as I can.
- [whimpering]
[Maya] I think they're
attracted to the light.
- [screams]
- It's a rope, Lerner! Grab it!
Ah, sh*t. Okay.
Pull me up. Pull me up!
I can't. There's no leverage.
Tie it around you like a belt.
And walk yourself up
the wall of the pit while I brace you.
Walk myself up the wall?
Who am I Spider-Man?
Yeah, obviously not,
but unless you want to die down there,
get moving!
Get it tight, and put your
feet up flat against the side,
and lean back as far as you can.
[Maya] Oh, f*ck!
That's it!
[grunts] f*ck!
Get your sh*t together, Lerner.
You're a key f*cking member
of an elite f*cking team,
and the best f*cking hacker in the world.
If you could climb
to the top of that food chain,
you can climb out of this f*cking pit.
That's what I'm talking about!
- [grunting]
- Yes! Climb that sh*t!
- [grunting]
- f*ck yeah!
Holy sh*t. I'm alive.
Hey, you're stronger than you think.
No more tripping, no more bitching
and no more self-pitying.
Ready?
I was born ready.
No, you weren't.
Reborn. Been reborn ready.
They drew first blood, not me.
- [shudders]
- It's okay.
You're okay.
[exhales]
Oh, Christ, it's about time.
Y'all can make googly eyes
at each other later.
We have a deal. Do you not remember?
I let you fix the stud
and then you answer
my m*therf*cking questions.
What the f*ck y'all doing
way the f*ck out here?
- [g*n cocks]
- Stud, you spying on me?
[chuckling] Stud.
That's what she calls me.
[clicks tongue]
We're getting hitched tomorrow.
So we decided to treat ourselves
to a moonlight helicopter tour tonight
and something went haywire
and I guess we crash-landed
Will you please shut up?
Listen, you are a sexy slab of beef,
but you're full of sh*t.
Your turn, sweet tits.
We're part of a covert Special Forces team
in pursuit of Russian arms dealers
who smuggled a nuke into the country.
And yes, our chopper did crash.
So we're continuing on foot because,
even though I am half drunk
and he is fully drunk and high,
we're the only people who can
keep it from getting blown to hell.
I f*cking knew it.
All them commie bastards,
they just don't know when to quit,
now do they? [cackles]
Crazy Susan
at your service.
- Did you say "Crazy Susan"?
- Yes.
My ex-husband used to call me that,
so I am reclaiming that sh*t.
Stud, that wound gonna fester
if you don't get some disinfectant on it.
Stand fast, soldier.
[grunts] Wow. You read her like a book.
It's kind of what I do.
Noted.
Ah! I wouldn't have guessed
b*ttlefield surgery is something you do.
- Where'd you pick that up?
- b*ttlefield.
They don't all look the same, you know?
Fair enough.
Yeah, that's gonna leave a gnarly scar.
Don't b*at yourself up. Chicks dig 'em.
Maybe I should
just let you bleed out instead.
[chuckles] Nah.
You wouldn't miss our repartee.
[grunts]
[exhales deeply] Winters
What?
Thank you.
Oh! You're welcome.
Just glad you're all right.
And it's the least I can do
after what you did for me on that cliff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I saved your life. You save my life?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Homemade shine. Old family recipe.
Pour some of that on your gut.
Or pour it in your guts.
Whatever blows that golden hair back.
I disinfect from the inside out.
- f*ck!
- [laughs]
I really need
to get in touch with my boss.
- Any chance you have a phone
- f*ck no, I don't have no phone!
You think I'm gonna let
the government tap my sh*t?
Oh! I do have a CB radio,
but all you can raise on that
is long-haul truckers
who want to get a wank.
If you're into that sort of thing.
- I am into that sort of thing.
- Cool.
Copy, thank you so much
for your hospitality.
We should get to it. Can you move?
Good as new,
but we're still low on fire power.
Hey, CS, are you willing to donate
that Remington to our cause.
sh*t, hell. [chuckles]
I can do better than that.
[grunts]
Booyah!
[Chad] Holy sh*t. It's Rambo's wet dream.
- Where did you get all this stuff?
- f*ck, yes.
[Crazy Susan]
k*lling mother-f*cking Russkies 'R Us!
[elevator bell dings]
Whoa! Whoa! Dude!
I put this on my mom's Mastercard.
Ding! I always, get multiples in Vegas.
You never know who might join the party.
[lock beeps]
They trashed the place.
To be honest, dog,
it was mostly us. [chuckles]
Oh, man!
They broke my f*ck swing!
I had this sh*t made custom!
- [grunts]
- [screams]
Say another f*cking word
and I'll choke you to death.
[sobbing]
Hey, Big Papa, what's wrong?
They took Jen, you f*cking idiot.
sh*t. Where?
[cell phone ringing]
[Paul] The Russian's phone.
[man] Yuri, we're at The Syndicate.
I have the girl.
Bring the father and the moron to me.
Yuri, you there?
f*ck!
What's The Syndicate?
It's an old-timey, Vegas,
gangster-vibe late-night spot.
Just off The Strip. A block from here.
Go down and call the police.
Check, check. What you going to do?
I'm going to get my daughter back.
Ooh!
Am I talking to you?
Why didn't you just k*ll him?
Who knows how many men are in this place.
We gotta get out before they know
we're gone and call for backup.
We can't risk being discovered.
[door closing]
[sniffs]
[inhales, stomach rumbles]
[drill whirring]
[Lana] Why are you stopping?
Exit's right in front of us.
Wait.
- [Vlad] You are bluffing.
- [man] Am I?
Or are you simply underestimating
my resolve again.
You'd risk setting off nuke
and k*lling us all.
Not if you give me the door code.
Then I can just walk in and take it.
It's your call. I'm good either way.
The nuke is here.
Okay. New plan.
I'm gonna go down.
Take all those guys out.
Secure the w*apon.
You get out of here and call for back up.
- No, I'm not going anywhere alone
- [shushes]
[whispers] If you're staying, so am I.
You're stuck with me.
Okay, but you stay behind me
the entire time.
Okay.
["Runnin' With The Devil" by Van Halen playing]
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Ah, yeah! ♪
I live my life
♪ Like there's no tomorrow ♪
It ain't the fastest rig on two wheels,
but it'll get you there
quicker than two feet.
Thank you, CS. We owe you one.
[kisses]
Highlight of my week.
- Oh, sh*t.
- Stay cool, homie.
- You're letting me drive?
- Relax. It's just a bike.
[Ava] Thank you, Susan.
[Crazy Susan]
Go get 'em, you sexy m*therf*ckers!
♪ Whoo-hoo-oo! ♪
[grunts]
♪ Runnin' with the Devil ♪
♪ Say one more time ♪
♪ Runnin' with the Devil ♪
There he is.
[song stops playing]
[g*ns f*ring]
Dad!
- Jen!
- Help me!
- [g*nshots]
- What's wrong?
- [g*n fires]
- [exclaims] Who the hell is that?
- Who are they sh**ting at?
- Us. Behind me.
Stay low, come on.
[g*n f*ring]
[Jen] Daddy!
Dad, help!
Maya, come on.
[rapid g*nf*re]
- Dad!
- Jen!
[grunting]
[groans]
[g*n clicking]
- Now, you die.
- [whimpers]
But first, I make you watch me
sh**t your daughter in the head!
[distorted] No, my dude!
[groans]
[in normal voice]
f*ck, yeah, fam! [grunts]
[breathing heavily]
It's okay. I'm here, baby.
- Daddy's here. Daddy's here.
- [crying]
Well, that would be a first! Wouldn't it?
Where were you
when we were taking prom photos?
Where have you been
my entire f*cking life?
I'm so sorry!
Honey, I'm sorry!
Daddy's here, I love you!
[Angela] Yo!
What the f*ck, dude?
[Paul] Jen where
What is this? What's happening?
[Maya] Paul?
Are you okay, buddy?
[metal rattling]
[g*n cocks]
Mac?
[Chad] Hell, yeah!
And you found Captain AWOL.
You guys all right? We heard g*nf*re.
- Us too.
- Paul, you okay, bud?
Where's Jen?
- Who's Jen?
- His daughter.
Hey, Paul,
remember that guacamole you ate?
Turns out it contained large quantities
of psilocybin and LSD.
So you're most likely experiencing
extremely vivid and lucid hallucinations.
You're tripping balls, bud.
I'm not in Vegas?
No, you're in the desert.
That's okay.
We're going to take care of you.
[Paul] But I stole an ATV.
I drove it to Vegas.
[Chad] He emptied the whole mag.
What the hell
are you sh**t' at, Air Force?
[Paul] Russians. I k*lled them all.
What's up? You okay? What happened?
Yeah. It's nothing.
How do I know
this isn't the hallucination?
What makes you real?
I don't know.
Holy sh*t.
Yo Yung went to town on this sh*t.
Paul has some darkness.
[Paul] Why do you smell
like whipped cream and crotches?
[Maya] That's You're
You're imaging that.
[Chad] No
f*ck yeah.
Hey, Paul didn't hallucinate everything!
There's an ATV over here.
- [Ava] What? Holy sh*t!
- f*ck yeah.
Yo, found the keys, Mac.
See? I drove that to Caesars
and k*lled all the bad guys. I swear.
Thank Christ you brought her back, Paulie.
Now we'll be able to make up
some of the time we lost out here.
Good job, k*ller.
[Angela] Okay.
Bro, let's go get Hagerty
and get the f*ck to that compound finally.
[engine revving]
[Dugan] The expl*sives are all set.
Just say when.
At the risk of sounding trite,
last chance.
American m*llitary
has captured Ivan Koslov.
That is why our timetable had to shift.
What's the plan?
First, I'm gonna k*ll
the fucker in charge,
then the rest of them.
Then I'm gonna take the b*mb.
But, hey, if this sh*t goes south,
you get the f*ck out of here.
If they catch you,
you act like you're scared shitless.
Put on a show. I know you can do that.
And with this, if they come close to you,
put the pointy part somewhere soft.
Okay?
I'll be back.
If you could just wait a little longer,
you can get your b*mb.
You can still destroy Las Vegas
in a matter of hours.
Las Vegas is just the beginning.
Our plans are far more expl*sive.
I suggest you get out of your seat.
Fire in the hole!
[screams]
[timer beeping]
Don't f*cking move. I'm taking the nuke.
[Lana] Trunk, help!
So your g*n goes down or mine goes off.
Make your call now,
or I will make it for you.
Fine.
But don't f*cking touch her!
[man] Ehren.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Your timing, as ever, is impeccable.
Put Mr. Litvin in the freezer
with the rest of them.
[man 2] Yes, sir.
We are behind schedule.
We don't have another four hours to waste.
Can you get the timer off?
I'll have a look. Might take a bit.
Oh, so you the head bitch in charge, huh?
Well, I am the bitch with the nuke
and you're the bitch in cuffs.
So, yeah!
Sure looks that way, doesn't it?
What do you want me to do with them?
[man] Find out who they're working for,
and how they know about the warehouse.
You have as long as it takes Mr. Dugan
to finish removing the timer.
So be creative.
[Chad] Get ready! We're almost there!