05x13 - Episode 13
Posted: 12/13/23 18:52
- And how are you this morning, my fine fellow shirt?
You look well.
I have good news, sir!
You are the shirt I choose to represent me today.
Serve me well, sir, but do not fear,
for if I did not have every confidence in the world in you,
you never would have gotten the job.
Hey, pajamas! The kid's a little nervous.
[singing]
What, what's that?
But I beseech you, good Sir Underwear!
Do not quit!
We have gone through too much together
for you to leave me now.
What about a deal, sir?
You stay with me until I find a replacement,
and when I do, if you still want to leave,
I shall retire you with honors!
That's a promise, sir!
What's that, socks?
Oh, you socks are always joking.
You make me laugh so.
You look at life through such bizarre eyes.
Where do you get your ideas?
I can't imagine life without you.
Stop it, socks! You're k*lling me.
[singing]
What?
You are out of order, sir,
and therefore you'll get only silence from me!
I mean it, pants.
Not a word till I get an apology.
Don't sulk. You only demean yourself.
Morning, coat.
Did you sleep well? Thank you, good sir.
Scarf, no more of those nasty nightmares, I hope.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet someone new.
This is hat.
Hat, this is scarf, coat, shirt, underwear,
socks, and shoes.
Welcome aboard, hat.
All right, g*ng, off to work.
Nope, I can't hear you, pants. Nope.
Not a word till I get an apology. No, siree!
Look, we have a -minute bus ride ahead of us,
plenty of time for you to think about it.
[laid-back rock music]
*
[cheers and applause]
- It's a big step.
- I could lose the ring.
- No, good buddy. I'm a big man.
I've got to take the big step.
- Or I could lose the ring.
- Nope. Today I leap.
Hey, baby! You look great, hi!
- Ah, jeez, you're not supposed
to see me yet, you gearbox!
- Oops. Sorry, baby.
- Sure you don't want me to swallow it?
- No, for I have pledged a band of gold.
- Excuse me. - Hey, what's your problem?
Haven't you seen a guy in a tux before?
You want your face kicked in?
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on, now. You know the rules.
No fighting, and no ---- tossing!
It's my day!
- Sorry, Charise.
---- tossing?
You think my family's small?
You think we all weigh pounds?
- God, no, baby.
They're practically giants, like you.
["Wedding March" plays]
- It's showtime.
*
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to--
there's no smoking.
- Why not? It's my day, you frig.
- Baby.
- We're gathered here today to join these two people,
Sue...
[men cheering]
And Charice--
[women cheering]
In holy wedlock.
Is there anyone here today
that has reason these two should not be wed?
- Yeah! I have a reason.
[people gasp]
- What is it?
- She's not a virgin!
- Well, what do you think, stupid?
We have a baby.
- So you readily admit you're not going to be a virgin flower
on our wedding night?
- I told you, precious,
how I gave away that gift at a kegger in Grade .
Come on!
- Oh, I remember now, okay.
But how do I know that baby's even mine?
- Well, it's got your hamster hands.
- It weighed ounces at birth,
and it had to live in an incubator for four months!
- My baby! - Yeah.
My namesake! - You know it!
I'm sorry, baby! - You know it!
- Okay, does anybody else have a reason
these two should not be wed?
- I do. You're drunk!
- Oops.
- Baby, I had five or six sh**t to settle my nerves.
- I have a reason.
I'm a tax consultant,
and financially it'll cost you two about $ a year
off your taxable income.
- Well, nobody ever talks about that.
- Anybody else? - Yeah!
The seas have all dried up.
A man can't make a living fishing anymore.
- Uncle Kelly's right.
- Anybody else?
- Well, I do.
Well, there is that really long list
of guys you said you'd rather marry.
Alphabetically, Antonio,
Anastasio, all those guys from Double A Towing--
- Oh, you had to do it, didn't you?
- Well, the man asked-- - Hold it!
Let's see if I can't put this another way.
Is there anyone here who has a reason
that these two should be married?
[crowd murmuring]
Oh, well.
- Wait, I've got a reason.
'Cause it was meant to be.
Cupid hit us bad.
crowd: Aw!
- Oh, my little unwed flower.
- Yeah.
Come on. Let's give our baby a name.
- I will. I'm just having trouble thinking one up.
Let's get married first.
[applause]
- Okay.
Blah blah blah, I now pronounce you man and wife--
- Double A Towing?
I just heard it, Double A Towing?
That's where Stan works, right?
- Come on, baby.
I told you that time that we just drove and towed!
- I want a divorce. - What?
- Swallow the ring.
- Geronimo!
[slurping]
- Does anybody have a reason
these two should not be divorced?
all: No.
- Then I now pronounce you not man and wife.
- Oh, God, it happened, and it's over.
I knew something was going to go wrong.
It just always does.
- It's better this way.
- Oh, baby.
You know I love it when you cry.
- And you know I love it when you love.
crowd: Aw!
- Let's get married.
- My god, can you believe he's asking me?
I don't know what to say.
- Well, you are in a wedding dress.
- I know, but I'm a divorced woman now.
I'm used goods!
- Well, statistically, second marriages
work a lot better than first marriages.
- Did you hear him, baby?
It was meant to be.
Let's give her.
- Give her?
God, you're so romantic.
- Okay, I now pronounce you man and wife again.
- I'll get you the ring later.
- You may-- and it's your choice--
kiss the bride.
*
- Hey, baby. It's an att*ck.
Hide the baby.
- It's just rice, stupid.
Okay, girls. Come on.
Everyone together.
- Come on.
- What? No one wants my bouquet?
Somebody better pick it up.
Somebody better pick up that bouquet.
[laid-back music]
*
- Excuse me, miss?
Hi, I'm a film producer.
We're, uh--we are--I am.
We're making a film in town next month,
and we're casting, uh, complete unknowns.
I think you might be right for one of the leads.
Uh, would you like to be a movie star?
- Really? You--really?
- [laughs] No, I'm from Undercover Video.
That's our camera right down there.
Why don't you wave and say hello?
Thanks for being a good sport, huh?
- Look, don't screw with people's dreams.
Do you hear me?
- Jocelyn. You shouldn't have done that.
You didn't even find out what time it was on.
- Oh, yes.
Hey, what--what time will it be on TV?
- Is it cable? - What channel?
[upbeat music]
*
- You're right; the phone doesn't work.
- I told you.
- Listen, I just saw the grossest thing in my life.
- What?
- I was coming up in the elevator--
- Uh-huh. - And there was a guy there.
He was a pretty normal guy. - Uh-huh.
- But he bent over to pick up his briefcase--
- Yeah? - And his pants shifted.
And I caught a glimpse of his leg.
- Ew, gross!
- And it was white.
- Oh, that's so gross.
- Yeah, I saw it. Well, I darn near puked.
- Oh.
- A white leg? - Yeah.
- Please stop it.
- Last night I'm watching TV,
and they have the gall to show that really gross commercial.
- Don't tell me, the one
where the woman cleans the table with wax?
- I thought I was gonna puke.
- If I had seen that ad, I would have puked.
- Oh, they cleaned the table with wax?
They didn't! - They did.
- Can we please stop it?
- Yeah.
- Hey, I'm going to order some headcheese.
- Okay. - Go ahead.
- Headcheese. You know, cow brains?
Would you guys like some? - No.
- No, thanks. I ate on the bus. - What?
Public transit almost makes me puke.
- Oh, now you're going to make me puke.
Tokens and transfers?
Just the thought, okay, please?
- Oh!
Oh, you wouldn't believe
what happened to me today on my way to work.
I passed someone's old furniture actually sitting on the street.
- Oh, don't tell me.
Not their couch that they, like, sat on and stuff?
Oh, if I had seen that,
I would have bent over and puked.
- Listen, I'm going to go lick the belly of a dead bloated rat
that's floating in sour milk.
- Okay. - Okay, fine.
We'll see you later. - That's fine.
- I was in high school--
- Stop. I'm going to hurl.
- No, there's even more.
I was in high school,
and I found out that my teacher's first name...
was Mel.
[both retching]
Well, when I found that out, I darn near puked.
And the fact that I darn near puked
made this other guy puke.
- And when you saw his puke, you darn near puked.
- No.
- Well, did you see it, the puke?
- Yeah.
- Gee, I wonder what it would taste like.
- Huh. Jeez.
- Semi-digested food, I guess.
- I mean, yeah, probably.
I mean, that's what it smells like.
[phone rings]
- Oh, please, get it! Get it. Get it quick.
I'm going to puke. I will. I will.
- Hi, I'm the repairman.
Apparently, if they answer the phone, they'll puke.
Okay. It's Sheena.
Her message is, if you're late for dinner, she'll puke.
- Okay, thanks a lot.
- I just saw someone lick a stamp.
[men retching]
- I'm a repairman in an imperfect world.
[cheers and applause]
[rock music]
*
- I mean, they're ludicrous. What is this?
- I know. I know. But you got to wear them.
You know, for my calves? - Oh, I know.
It's so lovely. - Shortens the muscle.
Oh, guess who came by last night.
- Who?
- Your old boyfriend Johnny.
- Oh, Johnny. - Yeah.
- Oh, that's nice--and--
so did--did you two, did you--did you?
- Yeah, yeah. We did. We did.
- Oh, that's--that's sweet.
- I think he wants you to give him a call.
- How do you know?
- He gave me a quarter.
- Come on.
[upbeat music]
*
- David Farsi.
Stephen Jenkins.
Byron Tranter.
Jason Plant.
Christine Cringle.
David Tanner.
Peter Popolis.
Pharaoh.
Antonio Chamino.
David Parker.
Lincoln Starr.
Steven Green.
Bill Wong...
- Excuse me, Scott? - Mm-hmm?
- I mean, Mr. Thompson? - Yeah?
- Listen, I just wanted to thank you for,
first of all, being so open.
- Uh-huh?
- [whispers] Openly gay. - Oh, no problem.
- But second of all, for what you did tonight.
You know, when you read off that list
of names of all the gay men that you knew that d*ed of AIDS,
it was so powerful.
- Thank you.
I really wanted to do something powerful.
- Well, it was.
It was really powerful.
Listen, can I get your autograph?
- Yeah, sure.
No problem.
Okay?
- You know, can I get a hug?
- Yeah, sure.
- Can I touch your penis? - No.
I mean, yes.
Darn.
[angelic music]
[both shrieking]
- Mmm. Mmm.
- David?
- In the ectoplasm.
- But you're-- - Dead?
- Yeah. - Yes.
- So how's the afterlife?
- Well, it's a lot like Vancouver.
- I knew it.
- Scott. - Yes?
- I saw the AIDS special you did tonight with Cynthia Dale,
and might I say she's looking fabulous.
- Surgery.
- So fierce.
And I thought that when you read out that list of names,
it was tres, tres powerful.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I really wanted to do something--
- Shut up. - Yes.
- Scott, a few of us noticed
that the list was, how shall we say, incomplet?
- Oh, I forgot your name, didn't I?
- Yes, and, frankly, you made me look like a fool.
I told everyone here that I knew you.
And when you read out that list of names and I wasn't on it,
I felt humiliated.
Now they all think that I'm a liar,
and they're teasing me that I d*ed of cancer.
- Look, it was really unprepared.
I wrote the list that night on a napkin.
- Yes, I noticed.
Still putting ketchup on shrimp, I see.
- What can I say? I'm a goof.
- Yes, you are.
Now, I don't want to harp on this--
[harp music]
Cherubs.
But it's odd that you would forget me, don't you think,
seeing as how I'm the model
for your hit, hit character, Buddy Cole?
- Well, not really.
- Yes, really. Who taught you how to lisp?
Truman Capote? - Yes.
- No, he didn't. We've become friends.
- Oh.
- So tell me, what happened?
- Well, okay.
Um, I already had three Davids on the list,
and I didn't want everybody to think
that all gay men were named David.
- Well, why not call me Davey?
Or by my drag name, Jenny Craig?
- I'm sorry.
How can I make it up to you?
- Well, you can write up this little encounter
as a sketch on your TV show.
- Yes.
- And Scott? - Yes?
- Get Mark to play me.
He's the most talented anyway.
Well?
- [sighs] Okay.
Let's shake.
- I don't shake.
I dissolve.
- Wait, don't go!
What does God look like?
- Oprah!
- I knew it!
- "She Watches" on four.
One, two, three, four!
- * She watches me all the time, time, time *
* And I don't even know her name *
[terrible music]
* I don't even know her game--
- He's really broken up.
- He'll be okay.
He doesn't seem that bad.
- Well, at least she left him
some insurance money.
He's set up pretty well.
- I sure hope he'll be okay.
- Oh, I think he'll be fine. Don't you think?
- Mm-hmm.
[jazz music playing]
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
*
Yeah, that's good. Good.
Yeah, that's nice.
Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, yeah.
- bucks?
- Again.
*
Mm.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[dog barking in the distance]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's what.
Mm-hmm.
That's nice, yeah.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Mm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
- bucks.
That'll be dollars, please?
- Yeah.
Again.
Yeah, oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh--yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.
That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, teach me, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, oh.
Don't tease. Don't tease.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, oh, good, good.
Yeah, yeah, too much, yeah.
- $.
- Don't got.
Again, eh?
Yeah, again.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Again, again.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
Again.
- Do you understand?
The bank is foreclosing on your mortgage
because you haven't made any payments.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Apparently, you spent all your money?
Do you understand?
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[jazz music playing]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
- Okay, that'll be bucks.
- Don't got.
Again, again.
Again, again!
Again!
[simple harmonica music]
Yeah.
*
Again. Again.
Again, again. Come on.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Again.
**
**
You look well.
I have good news, sir!
You are the shirt I choose to represent me today.
Serve me well, sir, but do not fear,
for if I did not have every confidence in the world in you,
you never would have gotten the job.
Hey, pajamas! The kid's a little nervous.
[singing]
What, what's that?
But I beseech you, good Sir Underwear!
Do not quit!
We have gone through too much together
for you to leave me now.
What about a deal, sir?
You stay with me until I find a replacement,
and when I do, if you still want to leave,
I shall retire you with honors!
That's a promise, sir!
What's that, socks?
Oh, you socks are always joking.
You make me laugh so.
You look at life through such bizarre eyes.
Where do you get your ideas?
I can't imagine life without you.
Stop it, socks! You're k*lling me.
[singing]
What?
You are out of order, sir,
and therefore you'll get only silence from me!
I mean it, pants.
Not a word till I get an apology.
Don't sulk. You only demean yourself.
Morning, coat.
Did you sleep well? Thank you, good sir.
Scarf, no more of those nasty nightmares, I hope.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet someone new.
This is hat.
Hat, this is scarf, coat, shirt, underwear,
socks, and shoes.
Welcome aboard, hat.
All right, g*ng, off to work.
Nope, I can't hear you, pants. Nope.
Not a word till I get an apology. No, siree!
Look, we have a -minute bus ride ahead of us,
plenty of time for you to think about it.
[laid-back rock music]
*
[cheers and applause]
- It's a big step.
- I could lose the ring.
- No, good buddy. I'm a big man.
I've got to take the big step.
- Or I could lose the ring.
- Nope. Today I leap.
Hey, baby! You look great, hi!
- Ah, jeez, you're not supposed
to see me yet, you gearbox!
- Oops. Sorry, baby.
- Sure you don't want me to swallow it?
- No, for I have pledged a band of gold.
- Excuse me. - Hey, what's your problem?
Haven't you seen a guy in a tux before?
You want your face kicked in?
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on, now. You know the rules.
No fighting, and no ---- tossing!
It's my day!
- Sorry, Charise.
---- tossing?
You think my family's small?
You think we all weigh pounds?
- God, no, baby.
They're practically giants, like you.
["Wedding March" plays]
- It's showtime.
*
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to--
there's no smoking.
- Why not? It's my day, you frig.
- Baby.
- We're gathered here today to join these two people,
Sue...
[men cheering]
And Charice--
[women cheering]
In holy wedlock.
Is there anyone here today
that has reason these two should not be wed?
- Yeah! I have a reason.
[people gasp]
- What is it?
- She's not a virgin!
- Well, what do you think, stupid?
We have a baby.
- So you readily admit you're not going to be a virgin flower
on our wedding night?
- I told you, precious,
how I gave away that gift at a kegger in Grade .
Come on!
- Oh, I remember now, okay.
But how do I know that baby's even mine?
- Well, it's got your hamster hands.
- It weighed ounces at birth,
and it had to live in an incubator for four months!
- My baby! - Yeah.
My namesake! - You know it!
I'm sorry, baby! - You know it!
- Okay, does anybody else have a reason
these two should not be wed?
- I do. You're drunk!
- Oops.
- Baby, I had five or six sh**t to settle my nerves.
- I have a reason.
I'm a tax consultant,
and financially it'll cost you two about $ a year
off your taxable income.
- Well, nobody ever talks about that.
- Anybody else? - Yeah!
The seas have all dried up.
A man can't make a living fishing anymore.
- Uncle Kelly's right.
- Anybody else?
- Well, I do.
Well, there is that really long list
of guys you said you'd rather marry.
Alphabetically, Antonio,
Anastasio, all those guys from Double A Towing--
- Oh, you had to do it, didn't you?
- Well, the man asked-- - Hold it!
Let's see if I can't put this another way.
Is there anyone here who has a reason
that these two should be married?
[crowd murmuring]
Oh, well.
- Wait, I've got a reason.
'Cause it was meant to be.
Cupid hit us bad.
crowd: Aw!
- Oh, my little unwed flower.
- Yeah.
Come on. Let's give our baby a name.
- I will. I'm just having trouble thinking one up.
Let's get married first.
[applause]
- Okay.
Blah blah blah, I now pronounce you man and wife--
- Double A Towing?
I just heard it, Double A Towing?
That's where Stan works, right?
- Come on, baby.
I told you that time that we just drove and towed!
- I want a divorce. - What?
- Swallow the ring.
- Geronimo!
[slurping]
- Does anybody have a reason
these two should not be divorced?
all: No.
- Then I now pronounce you not man and wife.
- Oh, God, it happened, and it's over.
I knew something was going to go wrong.
It just always does.
- It's better this way.
- Oh, baby.
You know I love it when you cry.
- And you know I love it when you love.
crowd: Aw!
- Let's get married.
- My god, can you believe he's asking me?
I don't know what to say.
- Well, you are in a wedding dress.
- I know, but I'm a divorced woman now.
I'm used goods!
- Well, statistically, second marriages
work a lot better than first marriages.
- Did you hear him, baby?
It was meant to be.
Let's give her.
- Give her?
God, you're so romantic.
- Okay, I now pronounce you man and wife again.
- I'll get you the ring later.
- You may-- and it's your choice--
kiss the bride.
*
- Hey, baby. It's an att*ck.
Hide the baby.
- It's just rice, stupid.
Okay, girls. Come on.
Everyone together.
- Come on.
- What? No one wants my bouquet?
Somebody better pick it up.
Somebody better pick up that bouquet.
[laid-back music]
*
- Excuse me, miss?
Hi, I'm a film producer.
We're, uh--we are--I am.
We're making a film in town next month,
and we're casting, uh, complete unknowns.
I think you might be right for one of the leads.
Uh, would you like to be a movie star?
- Really? You--really?
- [laughs] No, I'm from Undercover Video.
That's our camera right down there.
Why don't you wave and say hello?
Thanks for being a good sport, huh?
- Look, don't screw with people's dreams.
Do you hear me?
- Jocelyn. You shouldn't have done that.
You didn't even find out what time it was on.
- Oh, yes.
Hey, what--what time will it be on TV?
- Is it cable? - What channel?
[upbeat music]
*
- You're right; the phone doesn't work.
- I told you.
- Listen, I just saw the grossest thing in my life.
- What?
- I was coming up in the elevator--
- Uh-huh. - And there was a guy there.
He was a pretty normal guy. - Uh-huh.
- But he bent over to pick up his briefcase--
- Yeah? - And his pants shifted.
And I caught a glimpse of his leg.
- Ew, gross!
- And it was white.
- Oh, that's so gross.
- Yeah, I saw it. Well, I darn near puked.
- Oh.
- A white leg? - Yeah.
- Please stop it.
- Last night I'm watching TV,
and they have the gall to show that really gross commercial.
- Don't tell me, the one
where the woman cleans the table with wax?
- I thought I was gonna puke.
- If I had seen that ad, I would have puked.
- Oh, they cleaned the table with wax?
They didn't! - They did.
- Can we please stop it?
- Yeah.
- Hey, I'm going to order some headcheese.
- Okay. - Go ahead.
- Headcheese. You know, cow brains?
Would you guys like some? - No.
- No, thanks. I ate on the bus. - What?
Public transit almost makes me puke.
- Oh, now you're going to make me puke.
Tokens and transfers?
Just the thought, okay, please?
- Oh!
Oh, you wouldn't believe
what happened to me today on my way to work.
I passed someone's old furniture actually sitting on the street.
- Oh, don't tell me.
Not their couch that they, like, sat on and stuff?
Oh, if I had seen that,
I would have bent over and puked.
- Listen, I'm going to go lick the belly of a dead bloated rat
that's floating in sour milk.
- Okay. - Okay, fine.
We'll see you later. - That's fine.
- I was in high school--
- Stop. I'm going to hurl.
- No, there's even more.
I was in high school,
and I found out that my teacher's first name...
was Mel.
[both retching]
Well, when I found that out, I darn near puked.
And the fact that I darn near puked
made this other guy puke.
- And when you saw his puke, you darn near puked.
- No.
- Well, did you see it, the puke?
- Yeah.
- Gee, I wonder what it would taste like.
- Huh. Jeez.
- Semi-digested food, I guess.
- I mean, yeah, probably.
I mean, that's what it smells like.
[phone rings]
- Oh, please, get it! Get it. Get it quick.
I'm going to puke. I will. I will.
- Hi, I'm the repairman.
Apparently, if they answer the phone, they'll puke.
Okay. It's Sheena.
Her message is, if you're late for dinner, she'll puke.
- Okay, thanks a lot.
- I just saw someone lick a stamp.
[men retching]
- I'm a repairman in an imperfect world.
[cheers and applause]
[rock music]
*
- I mean, they're ludicrous. What is this?
- I know. I know. But you got to wear them.
You know, for my calves? - Oh, I know.
It's so lovely. - Shortens the muscle.
Oh, guess who came by last night.
- Who?
- Your old boyfriend Johnny.
- Oh, Johnny. - Yeah.
- Oh, that's nice--and--
so did--did you two, did you--did you?
- Yeah, yeah. We did. We did.
- Oh, that's--that's sweet.
- I think he wants you to give him a call.
- How do you know?
- He gave me a quarter.
- Come on.
[upbeat music]
*
- David Farsi.
Stephen Jenkins.
Byron Tranter.
Jason Plant.
Christine Cringle.
David Tanner.
Peter Popolis.
Pharaoh.
Antonio Chamino.
David Parker.
Lincoln Starr.
Steven Green.
Bill Wong...
- Excuse me, Scott? - Mm-hmm?
- I mean, Mr. Thompson? - Yeah?
- Listen, I just wanted to thank you for,
first of all, being so open.
- Uh-huh?
- [whispers] Openly gay. - Oh, no problem.
- But second of all, for what you did tonight.
You know, when you read off that list
of names of all the gay men that you knew that d*ed of AIDS,
it was so powerful.
- Thank you.
I really wanted to do something powerful.
- Well, it was.
It was really powerful.
Listen, can I get your autograph?
- Yeah, sure.
No problem.
Okay?
- You know, can I get a hug?
- Yeah, sure.
- Can I touch your penis? - No.
I mean, yes.
Darn.
[angelic music]
[both shrieking]
- Mmm. Mmm.
- David?
- In the ectoplasm.
- But you're-- - Dead?
- Yeah. - Yes.
- So how's the afterlife?
- Well, it's a lot like Vancouver.
- I knew it.
- Scott. - Yes?
- I saw the AIDS special you did tonight with Cynthia Dale,
and might I say she's looking fabulous.
- Surgery.
- So fierce.
And I thought that when you read out that list of names,
it was tres, tres powerful.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I really wanted to do something--
- Shut up. - Yes.
- Scott, a few of us noticed
that the list was, how shall we say, incomplet?
- Oh, I forgot your name, didn't I?
- Yes, and, frankly, you made me look like a fool.
I told everyone here that I knew you.
And when you read out that list of names and I wasn't on it,
I felt humiliated.
Now they all think that I'm a liar,
and they're teasing me that I d*ed of cancer.
- Look, it was really unprepared.
I wrote the list that night on a napkin.
- Yes, I noticed.
Still putting ketchup on shrimp, I see.
- What can I say? I'm a goof.
- Yes, you are.
Now, I don't want to harp on this--
[harp music]
Cherubs.
But it's odd that you would forget me, don't you think,
seeing as how I'm the model
for your hit, hit character, Buddy Cole?
- Well, not really.
- Yes, really. Who taught you how to lisp?
Truman Capote? - Yes.
- No, he didn't. We've become friends.
- Oh.
- So tell me, what happened?
- Well, okay.
Um, I already had three Davids on the list,
and I didn't want everybody to think
that all gay men were named David.
- Well, why not call me Davey?
Or by my drag name, Jenny Craig?
- I'm sorry.
How can I make it up to you?
- Well, you can write up this little encounter
as a sketch on your TV show.
- Yes.
- And Scott? - Yes?
- Get Mark to play me.
He's the most talented anyway.
Well?
- [sighs] Okay.
Let's shake.
- I don't shake.
I dissolve.
- Wait, don't go!
What does God look like?
- Oprah!
- I knew it!
- "She Watches" on four.
One, two, three, four!
- * She watches me all the time, time, time *
* And I don't even know her name *
[terrible music]
* I don't even know her game--
- He's really broken up.
- He'll be okay.
He doesn't seem that bad.
- Well, at least she left him
some insurance money.
He's set up pretty well.
- I sure hope he'll be okay.
- Oh, I think he'll be fine. Don't you think?
- Mm-hmm.
[jazz music playing]
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
*
Yeah, that's good. Good.
Yeah, that's nice.
Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, yeah.
- bucks?
- Again.
*
Mm.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[dog barking in the distance]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's what.
Mm-hmm.
That's nice, yeah.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Mm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
- bucks.
That'll be dollars, please?
- Yeah.
Again.
Yeah, oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh--yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.
That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, teach me, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, oh.
Don't tease. Don't tease.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, oh, good, good.
Yeah, yeah, too much, yeah.
- $.
- Don't got.
Again, eh?
Yeah, again.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Again, again.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
Again.
- Do you understand?
The bank is foreclosing on your mortgage
because you haven't made any payments.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Apparently, you spent all your money?
Do you understand?
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[jazz music playing]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
- Okay, that'll be bucks.
- Don't got.
Again, again.
Again, again!
Again!
[simple harmonica music]
Yeah.
*
Again. Again.
Again, again. Come on.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Again.
**
**