01x09 - The Garveys at Their Best

[bunniefuu]

[Train whistle blows]

Woman: Morning. Hi.

[Cough]

[Distant car horn honks]

Woman: I need to cancel.

This for tomorrow?

Uh, yeah, I'm sure.

You know, that's my other line, so... ok.

Ok, ok.

Ok, goodbye. [Hangs up phone]

Hello?

Oh, hi.

No, I have appointments all day.

Woman: Oh, yeah, we can set up ourselves.

How many chairs?

Oh, great, great.

Ok.

Ok, I'll see you after 4:00, then.

Thanks. Bye.

So how was your run? [Hangs up phone]

It's f*ckin' hot for October.

Want some French toast?

Yeah.

S01E09
The Garveys at Their Best

[Birds chirping outside]

Laurie: Hey, Jill?

Come on, honey. Chop, chop.

They pushed my afternoon sessions so I can meet the rental guys.

All you have to do is get the cake.

Yeah, ok. Do you think he knows?

No. Why?

Jill, I'm waiting!

Hey, when does Tommy get back?

Said he had a morning class and he'd come after that.

All right.

So I'll see you at noon.

You have the breeder's address?

The what?

The breeder?

For the puppy?

Oh. It has to be today?

Yeah, we have to go today; Otherwise we go on the wait list and lose our deposit.

All right, ok. Noon. I'll be there.

[Jill singing]

Have a good day. [Chuckling]

[Jill continues singing]

I love you.

Love you, too.

Mmm.

[Running footsteps]

[Child giggles]

Oh, don't. Please?

Mommy att*ck! Oh.

Jeremy: Yeah!

Oh, yeah, way too early.

[Bubba barking] Oh, God.

Oh, way too early, guys. Way too early.

Good morning.

Good morning. [Kiss]

Doug: Oh, hi.

Oh, mwah.

Hi, hi.

I love you.

[Nora and Doug laugh]

[Microwave beeps]

Erin: My bunny is really soft and...

[Bubba yipping]

Its ears are, like, this big, and it's pretty big...

[Erin chattering]

Nora: Get your hand out of the box, miss.

Erin: And he also eats carrots.

No.

Jeremy.

Don't feed the dog.

[Bubba whining]

Jeremy: Hey, dad.

Yo!

You look nice.

Today's my interview.

Today's your interview.

You said you could take the kids to school.

Of course I'm taking the kids to school, right, kids?

Jeremy: What's an interview?

Mommy's getting a job.

Trying to get a job.

Do you want it?

[Sets down coffee pot]

Yeah, I do.

Then you're gonna get it.

Come on.

Mmm! Mommy's gettin' a job!

Kids: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...

Doug: Hey! Mommy!

Doug and kids: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

[Vibrating]

[Sighs]

Hello?

Woman: Laurie, hi. Dr. Singley. How are you?

Oh, hi. Fine.

I was told you canceled your appointment?

Yeah, yeah, my daughter has a science fair and I wanted to...

I really think it's important for you to come in tomorrow.

We're reaching the point of no return.

I know. I just...

I...

I need to talk to my husband.

Well, you should do that.

And then you'll be in tomorrow?

Yes.

Good. See you then.

[Hangs up, sets down phone]

Good morning.

Patti, you ready to come in?

[Giggling]

It's a cat?

Yeah. Ha ha ha!

But it has a pop tart for its body, and it's just sh**ting through space and it has rainbows coming out of its butt and it's just really happy about it.

[Giggling]

I don't get it.

No, dad, you don't.

[Giggling]

Kevin: Yeah, and come home straight after school.

Your mom and I need help setting up for the party.

Uh, he knows, you know.

It's not gonna be a surprise.

Yeah, I know, I know. Just please don't tell your mom.

[Kiss]

You smell like cigarettes.

What?

Bye.

[School bell rings]

[Distant train whistle blowing]

[Distant kids screaming]

[Distant adults yelling]

What happened?

I don't know. They just all came running out.

Girl: It's a monster!

[Children crying and screaming]

[Door opens]

Woman: Is it gone?

What was it?

It... it was a deer.

[Ticking]

Uh...

I think something terrible's about to happen.

Tell me what that feels like.

What it feels like?

Yeah.

I mean...

Why is this time different?

Because you've said this before, and we're still here.

Those times... they were like... tremors.

This...

This is the big one...

Like the world is gonna end.

Then tell me how it feels.

Like a hand is inside my chest...

And it's squeezing my heart... tighter and tighter, and he won't let me go until it's over.

"He"?

What?

"He" won't let go?

[Scoffs] It's not about that.

It isn't?

No, no.

It's not about Neil telling you to leave your own house?

He paid for it.

It's his house.

That's... not how it works, Patti.

But he told you to go, so you went.

And all those abusive things he said to you?

That's what makes you feel like the world is ending.

Because instead of ignoring those things, you... you believe them.

You absorb them.

Well, I guess I better sh*t 'em back out.

Maybe you should.

Maybe you should put them in a bag and write Neil's name on it and just... drop it right back off on his doorstep.

Come on.

Well, if it'll stop the world from ending, why the hell not?

Nothing's going to stop that.

I know why you're tellin' jokes, 'cause you can feel it, too, can't you?

I know you can.

Something's wrong... inside you.

Sorry, Patti, that's just not true.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Well, you're on the council, but nobody knows who you are.

Buddy Menlo is the incumbent. He's popular, he has built-in name recognition, and we're a month out from the election, so if I'm being honest, barring a miracle, I don't think you stand a chance.

Uh-huh.

And why should I hire you if you can't help me win?

Because I think you have some progressive ideas for the town...

Oh, f*ck my progressive ideas.

Why do you want to do this, uh...

Nora Durst?

Because...

I want to use my brain for more than figuring out which juice box is certified organic.

I want...

I need something for myself.

I know I'm not running for mayor of New York City, but for the next 4 weeks, I need this to be your priority.

And what does that mean for the, um... juice boxes?

As far as you're concerned, for the next 4 weeks, I don't have a family.

Councilwoman.

I'm in the middle of an interview.

You comin' to my thing tonight?

You're not supposed to know you're having a thing tonight.

And yet I do know. You comin' or not?

I'm in the middle of an interview.

Hey.

You tell her she could b*at buddy?

Nope.

Hire her.

Now get the f*ck out of here, man of the year.

We're, uh, just friends, so...

Moorland, you've got first and Broadway, and don't any of you think you dodged a b*llet 'cause you'll all be getting traffic control until Con Ed's done with the gas lines, which should be in about a week.

Now, in other good news... or bad news... this heat wave's gonna continue, so water restriction is still in place, which means you issue a ticket to anybody who's sprinkling their lawns between 6:00 and 10:00 and it looks like we've got ourselves a deer problem.

Reports of the f*ckers gettin' stuck inside buildings.

One wandered into the biggie superstore, another jammed through Rosalie Darmody's baby shower...

Think it's just one.

Sorry?

Deer. I think it's just one.

Oh, why do you think that?

I saw it this morning.

At the school?

No, I just missed it at the school. Before that.

Lou: Just a theory, chief... maybe this thing's in heat and just wants to f*ck the lieutenant.

[Scattered laughter]

f*ck you, Lou.

Kevin Sr.: It doesn't matter to me if it's deer singular or deer f*ckin' plural.

You are authorized to put it down.

Well, we don't need to k*ll it.

If it's dangerous and unstable, yes, we do.

We get tranq g*ns from animal control.

If we see it, we knock it out, bring it back to the woods, let it go.

Let it go?

Yes.

Ok, I'll make you a deal.

You get a tranq g*n, I'll have dispatch inform you of any sightings, and you get there before anyone with an actual w*apon?

Hallelujah.

Set Bambi free.

Good?

Yes, good.

Fantastic.

Now, I hope to not see any of you any time soon, especially tonight, as I hate f*ckin' parties.

Dismissed.

[Overlapping chatter]

[Cell phone vibrating]

Hello?

Tom: Dad.

Tommy, you ok?

I think I f*cked up.

Where are you?

[Police radio static]

Man: He's mostly sobered up.

Guy's not pressing charges.

He will if there's a next time.

I appreciate it.

No problem.

Come on.

[Tom sighs, sniffles]

Sorry.

Glad you called me.

[Handcuffs clicking]

Thank you.

Anytime.

Hey. Come on. It's ok.

[Hisses] Ah!

[Exhales sharply, sniffles]

What did he do?

This the house?

Please don't. It was my fault. Dad...

It's ok. Gonna talk to him.

Would you get your dad for me, please?

Yeah?

sh*t.

You know who I am?

Look, man, he keeps coming here.

What happened?

He was drunk.

This is the third time. I already told him...

What happened?

He doesn't understand that this is not something that I'm interested in.

Did you touch him?

He tried to come into my house.

Did you touch him?

All I did was push him back... [Groans]

If you touch my kid again, I will f*ckin' k*ll you.

[Breathing heavily]

It... it's ok.

[Car door closes]

Why'd you have to tell me?

Your mother thought it would be the same as lying if we didn't.

I'm your father, not him.

I know.

Why do you need to keep doing this?

Because he shouldn't get to pretend like it never happened.

He did a terrible thing to you and your mother.

Sometimes you have to pretend.

[Puppies yapping]

Well, well, looks like someone chose you.

Is that the mother?

Mm-hmm. Her third litter.

Oh.

They seem so young to be away from her.

It's actually completely natural.

They don't need her anymore.

[Cell phone chimes]

I'm sorry.

It's my husband.

He's not coming.

Just bring him home.

I promise, the minute your husband sees him, he'll fall in love.

Tsk. Sorry.

[Whispers] They're wonderful, aren't they?

Laurie: Hey, Jill, honey, you got to clear off the table.

The food's gonna be here, and I need to set up.

Almost done.

Want me to help you?

No, thanks.

So, I, uh, I know you have your presentation tomorrow, and I really want to be there, but, uh, I have an appointment, and I tried to...

That's ok. You weren't there last year.

I'm a terrible mother.

There's no need to be dramatic.

I'm not being dramatic.

[Scoffs] Come here!

You're the best mom in the whole world.

Ha ha!

The best mom ever!

Kevin: Hello-o!

Mwah! Tell mom she's the best.

Well, she is the best.

Where's the cake?

Right behind me.

Jill: Oh!

Aah!

Ha ha ha! You're home.

Oh! Oh!

Hey, what are you two doing together?

The car broke down, so I went and picked him up.

Yeah. [Snaps fingers]

Lookin' good, Billy Ray!

Ha ha ha!

Feeling good, Louis.

Laurie: Ok, team. Time to party.

Up.

[Radio static]

Man on radio: Silver fox approaching the door. Repeat, silver fox approaching.

Kevin: Copy that.

[Overlapping chatter] He's here.

Uh, all right. Everyone, get down, get down.

[Doorbell rings]

He's here. And quiet, stay quiet.

Lou: He knows.

Oh, f*ck off, Lou.

Kevin's out back, making some drinks.

You can just head through the kitchen.

All: Surprise!

Oh, oh! Ha ha ha!

m*therf*ckers.

Hey.

Hey, Tommy. Come here, college boy!

Tom: Man hug!

Man hug! Man hug!

Aah!

Hey, Mary, how you doing?

Thank you so much for coming.

He was so surprised!

I think he was.

Hey, Jill.

You need to take that over to the bar, honey.

Who picked this music?

Old people. Take it to the bar.

[Lou chuckling]

Lucy: Beautiful house.

Kevin, your wife must do very well for herself.

Oh, well, f*ck you very much. Ha ha!

You better not talk to me like that when I'm mayor.

Oh, I'm sure. I won't.

Ok!

Lou: Wait, wait. He didn't tell you about the deer?

What deer?

The one that your husband wants to rescue and free back into the wilderness.

Apparently, they've got a very special relationship.

It's confused.

It just keeps trapping itself inside of buildings. It's...

Aw. Poor thing.

Thank you, God, for mommy and daddy...

Jeremy: Hiyah!

Kylie and Bubba.

Jeremy, stop.

Prayers are stupid.

Don't say that.

Go pick out a book. I'll come read to you in 10 minutes, ok?

[Kiss]

Come on. Up.

Maybe it lost its family.

Who did?

The deer.

Maybe it's looking for them at our school.

Maybe, but he's not gonna come back ever again, ok? I promise. You're safe.

Good night, my love.

'Night, mommy.

You can turn it all the way.

Are you sure?

I'm not scared anymore.

[Door closes downstairs]

[Footsteps ascend]

[Sighs] Long day.

You said 6:00.

One of the accounts fell apart.

I can come home early tomorrow.

Did I miss the window?

No, go on in. She's still up.

Fantastic.

It went great.

My interview?

Awesome.

So the Honorable Judge Hader sidles up to me before the ceremony.

He's there every year, like he invented the f*ckin' thing.

[Lou laughing]

Kevin Sr.: And he says, "congratulations on this great honor."

So I looked that cocksucker right in the eyes and said, "can't be that great.

They gave one to you."

[Laughter]

Everybody? Everybody.

If I may, on behalf of the Civic Clergy Association, I feel obligated to share with you... why I nominated our guest of honor for Mapleton Man of the Year.

Matt: The answer?

I couldn't nominate myself.

[Laughter]

Matt: But seriously, this man, well, he's humble, he's gracious, he doesn't like me saying how generous he is or what he's done for the church, what he's done for me or the people of this town.

Yeah. Yeah.

But, hell, I just did. [Laughter]

Hail to the chief.

All: Hail to the chief!

[Scattered applause]

Woman: Hear, hear.

Uh, this is a part of something that chief used to read to me when I was a kid.

Kevin: Ahem.

A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist."

"However," the universe replied, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

A lot of people think that the world owes them something.

But you, dad, you built your life... and mine on your own.

Now look at me, you know, and look what I got.

Guests: Mmm.

Man: Yeah.

To family.

Yeah. Yeah.

All: To family!

Whoo!

Whoa!

[Dialogue fades out]

You're just askin' to get caught.

Oh, sh*t.

[Chuckles]

Thought you quit.

Takin' a break from quitting.

[Exhales sharply]

That was a beautiful speech.

I almost believed you meant it.

[Sighs]

I think something's f*ckin' wrong with me.

I think you're right.

Why isn't it enough?

[Sighs]

Because every man rebels against the idea that this is f*ckin' it.

Fights windmills, saves f*ckin' damsels, all in search of greater purpose.

You have no greater purpose...

Because it is enough.

[Sighing]

So cut the sh*t, ok?

[Sighs]

You know, I was thinking maybe we should hold off on getting a dog.

Really?

Yeah, it's just... a lot.

I started...crying at the breeder's today.

I just got overwhelmed.

Ah, I don't think the timing is right.

No, let's do it.

Tomorrow.

Come on. We'll surprise the kids.

Come on.

And I'll help, so you don't get overwhelmed.

Ok?

Ok.

Did you sleep ok?

Oh, great.

I'm gonna run.

[Groans] What time is it?

It's early. You don't have to get up.

[Sighs]

It's ok. I'm up.

Mmm.

Hey...You got a new one.

Mm-hmm.

I like it.

You should get one, too.

Mmm, maybe...

"Thug life" on my neck.

Ha ha ha!

Something really subtle.

Perfect.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

About what?

Dad didn't tell you?

No.

Oh, boy. I, um... went to see Michael.

Oh.

You're not gonna ask why?

I understand why.

It's ok. I could just forget about him.

Don't do that.

Why not?

Because...

I can tell you as a trained professional, it doesn't work.

[Kiss]

Are you ready?

Excuse me?

[Whispering]

Woman: I think he's someone else.

Ok.

I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else.

[Chuckles]

[Metallic clinking]

[Clinking stops]

[Garbage disposal running]

Laurie!

Yeah?

[Dishes clattering] [Drops keys on table]

[Disposal stops]

You are never gonna believe what just happened to me.

[Kevin panting]

[Kiss]

You know, the uh, gas lines Con Edison's putting in?

A manhole cover just exploded right in front of me.

Missed me by, I don't know, 10 feet.

Did you just smoke?

What?

You smell like cigarettes.

I mean, I don't really care. You're the one that wanted to quit.

Just be honest, this time.

"This time"?

Tommy told me about Michael.

Oh, so what, you're... you're angry 'cause I didn't say something?

Why didn't you?

'Cause it's not my f*ckin' place.

What is your place, Kevin?

Is it here?

Be honest.

You don't want me to be honest.

Yes, I do.

Ok. Um...

I smoked... and I don't want a dog.

Why didn't you just tell me?

'Cause you wanted it.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Hello?

Kevin: Just now?

Is... is it still there?

Text me the address. I'm on my way over.

[Hangs up phone]

It's the deer.

It's trapped.

Better go save it.

f*ck you, Laurie.

[Door opens, closes]

Is it still in the house?

Yeah, walked right through the screen door into the living room.

Ma'am, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the house.

That's not gonna happen.

[Loud thumping]

It's upstairs?

Mm-hmm.

[Thumping continues]

[Deer squealing]

[Crashing, glass shattering]

[Crashing, glass shattering downstairs]

It went outside.

[Brakes screech, thud]

[Dog barking]

Oh, my God.

You ok?

Uh, he... he came out of nowhere.

[Groaning]

[Engine hissing]

[Woman coughing]

[Deer wheezing]

[Baby crying]

I... I have been holding for 20 minutes.

No, no, no, no! No... don't. I... no.

Oh, God!

[Distant telephone rings]

Laurie?

Hi. Ha ha! Mary Jamison.

Of course. Hi.

Such a beautiful party last night.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

It was great to have you and Matt there.

He's in there right now.

Is everything ok?

They think they saw something.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Last night, he was so... heh!

I had no idea.

Yeah, well, Matt knows how to put on a brave face.

He was sick as a kid.

We go through this every couple of years.

[Sighs]

I mean, he does. Heh!

He never lets me go in with him.

He's scared.

He doesn't want you to see him like that.

But I do see it.

I'd rather us be afraid together.

[Footsteps approach]

[Door opens]

[Sighs]

[Chuckles]

Oh, let's get drunk.

Oh, you get drunk. I'll drive.

[Door closes]

[Metal clanging]

[Truck beeping]

Yeah, I know.

Going to hell.

Think I can get one of those?

Yeah.

Here.

Hey, hey, hey. I got it.

[Lights lighter]

[Truck beeping]

I mean, it came out of nowhere.

It didn't belong here.

Well, neither do I.

I'm here for a conference, and I was trying to get back to my hotel.

Missed my turn.

[Hiss]

Lady, you need a lift?

Oh, can I just get a minute?

Sorry, but I got to go, but if you need a ride or something...

I'll take her.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah.

Erin: Aah!

Aah!

Give it to me!

Jeremy: No!

It's mine!

Doug: Kids.

You don't need it anymore!

Nora: Give her the blanket.

Two hands with the big-girl cup, please. That's the deal.

[3 slaps on table]

Jeremy: I'm hungry, mom, I'm hungry!

I'm hungry, too.

Stop, please.

No phones at the table.

Well, yours is out, too.

I'm waiting to hear about the job.

Well, this is important, too.

Jeremy: I want food!

I want food!

I want food!

Doug: It's comin', buddy.

I want food!

Doug: Jeremy.

I want food!

Hey, cut it out.

I want food!

Woman on pa. system: We'd like to welcome all parents and students to our annual science fair.

Please see the door for a list of all projects and their locations.

I'm not gonna lie, but I think the kid over there, uh, cracked cold fusion.

Ha ha ha!

It looks terrible.

It's awesome.

Ha ha!

Oh, God.

Oh.

So...Mom and dad, what's going on there?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

I think he's gonna leave.

Man: Hey, kids! Who wants to help make a circuit?

Boy: Oh, ok.

We're gonna make a circuit.

We would absolutely love to make a circuit, wouldn't we?

No. Aah!

Ha ha ha ha!

[Jill laughing]

[Sighs]

Thanks.

Sure. No problem.

I don't know why I just...

I feel sad.

I mean, it was a f*cking animal. [Scoffs]

Are you a good guy?

What?

Are you a good guy?

No.

[Unbuckles seatbelt]

You want to come in?

Any nausea?

Comes and goes.

If we move forward, I'd like you to meet with a counselor to discuss your options.

I'd like to take a look. Is that all right with you?

I haven't told my husband yet.

Is it his?

Yes.

Of course.

[Computer beeps]

Ok, just relax.

There it is.

Looks good.

Perfectly healthy.

Do you want to hear the heartbeat?

[Click, beep]

[Rhythmic whooshing]

[Vibrating]

g*dd*mn it! I said two hands!

Nora: Hello?

[Crying] Hello?

[Erin crying]

[Woman screams]

What was that?