01x04 - Hall-Oates-Ween

[bunniefuu]

Company announcement. Because it's Halloween, I am letting the office go home early.

Whoo-hoo!

That way, you all can get your costumes in order for tonight's mandatory office party.

Ooh-hoo... with a touch of "what?"

I have been disinvited from the party at my sprawling mansion.

It seems that my wife thinks I spend too much time at work and not enough time encouraging her attempts at young-adult fiction.

Boy, that is a tough field to break into, Sir. She will need your patience.

And I'll just be quiet for the rest of the announcement.

See you tonight.

Uh, Sir, if you want some help, I think I can make this party awesome.

Here's something I never say to my wife... "Keep talking."

Well, I was sort of known to my high-school friends as... The party whisperer.

Not to brag, but I like to get wild, cut loose, turn the music up at a backyard barbecue.

Thank you, Cristela.

I cannot let my future ex-wife b*at me at Halloween.

She already took Columbus Day and my house.

Which is very Columbus of her.

Hey!

I have a great idea for a couple's costume, and I just need a partner, and the wheel stops on you.

Oh. Sorry, I already have my costume.

I-I picked it in April to avoid any last-minute anxiety.

What up, slowpoke? I picked mine in February.

Nice! Wow, march must have been super-relaxing for you.

Mm-hmm.

So, uh, you're really into Halloween, too, huh?

Yeah, I am.

And we get to celebrate at work.

I know! It's gonna be awesome, huh?

Hey, we can, uh... we can hang out tonight.

Uh, yeah, like cool people.

[Laughs]

You know what?

I'm gonna ride this high all the way to the elevator.

[Laughs]

Hi.

Uh... Rhonda, right?

It's "Ra-Honda."

The "h" is not silent.

Noted. Still gonna ask.

Hey, how would you like to be one-half of a couple's costume that may change your life... forever?

You couldn't handle my life.

Oy, I should have stopped at "Ra-Honda."

Cristela, why aren't you asking me if I want to be a part of your costume?

Because you're one of them.

[Chuckles] Oh, thank you!

Wait, one of what?

One of those girls that likes to wear underwear and call it an outfit.

"I'm wearing a black bra. I'm a nun."

[Laughs]

You guys dress up like sexy, French maids.

I can't do that. I'd just look like a maid.

"Trick or treat. Housekeeping."

Oh, my God, that sounded super real!

No offense, but I have someone else in mind.

Anyone else?

Anyone?!

Okay, you know what?

On behalf of hot girls everywhere, I am going to prove you wrong, okay?

I will wear whatever unrevealing, probably Amish-inspired costume you want.

Please don't make me wear an Amish costume.

[Elevator bell dings]

Done.

[Laughs] Okay.

This is gonna be great.

[Squeals]

A mandatory work party with a bunch of lawyer nerds is right up my alley.

[Laughs]

This isn't gonna be "Project Runway."

It's gonna be called "Project Fun-way."

[Laughs]

Oh, my God! You guys look awesome!

I know. I kind of want to eat myself.

Ay, and then there's your mother, who apparently had most of her costume b*rned off in the fiery depths of you-know-where.

Cris, I'm the Devil. I have to look sinful.

Tonight should be about fun, being goofy.

You gonna show off your buns, they better have sesame seeds on them.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

If it isn't the anti-Cristela.

Hey, hey. Not in front of the kid's meal.

Hey, Cris, your mustache is coming in a little thicker than normal.

Joke's on you.

I had to wax twice to make the glue stick to my upper lip.

Well, you make a very convincing Geraldo Rivera.

You guys just don't recognize me 'cause I'm not with the other half of my costume.

This will help. Check it out.

I'm Oates.

[Guitar strings rattle]

O-of pop-soul duo Hall & Oates!

[Guitar strings rattling]

Rock 'n' roll's quintessential second banana, John William Oates!

Let's go, kids.

We're heading to the really nice part of town so I can find out how rich people decorate their living rooms.

I'm pretty sure not with a tiger blanket.

Kids, don't forget, when you say "trick or treat," use your best poor face.

That's the one.

Ohh, Cristela, stop teaching the children this Halloween nonsense.

They should be learning about their Latino heritage.

Come here. Come here.

Oh, gosh! Not again!

Grandma's got the box of death.

In our village, we did not celebrate Halloween.

We celebrated the day of the dead.

Yay.

Right, kids? "Yay!"

So on this night, I set up a shrine to honor the family members that have come before us.

Abuelo Jaime... I miss him so!

And look... Cousin Pedro, Cousin Tiny Pedro.

And Cousin One-Eyed Pedro...

Who later became Blind Pedro.

So many cousins.

So many Pedros.

So many donkey-related deaths.

[Muzak plays]

Yikes.

Hey, it looks like the day of the dead in here.

Culpepper and Associates, who's ready to rock?!

[Guitar strings rattle]

[Snorts]

Okay.

Uh, who's ready to mildly enjoy themselves at this mandatory office...

Gatheri-i-i-i-i-ng?!

[Guitar strings rattling]

Nice try, Mu'ammar Gheddafi.

I'm Oates, from Hall & Oates, and I'm here to take this party to a whole nother level.

My wife arrived at her party in a hot-air balloon.

I arrived at mine in an elevator.

With a big spider on it.

Ooh, spooky.

You just focus on getting this party started, Gene Shalit.

Still not right.

I'm just looking for my Hall.

Ha! Here I am!

No?

Wow.

[Chuckles]

Uh... I kind of see it.

Huh? Right?

Uh, it's a little bit on the sexy side, don't you think?

What?!

It's not my fault Daryl Hall looks like a beautiful woman.

Whatever. Just stick with me so that people know exactly who we are.

Okay.

Hey!

It's Super Mario and sexy Kate Upton.

Are you kidding?!

You got it!

That is the most imaginative costume I've ever seen.

[Chuckles]

Oh, Stan seems nice!

You know that's the first time I've ever talked to him?

I think he finds me more approachable when I'm dressed like a man.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

Even at this lame office party, women are tramping it up.

Look, we got the naughty Statue of Liberty...

A naughty robot...

The naughty Ra-Honda?

You too?

Oh, my God. Hall & Oates. That's hysterical.

Yes! Finally, someone gets it!

Hey, what are you supposed to be?

I'll give you a clue.

I noticed a discrepancy in your W-9 form.

I'm my accountant, Leonard Weitz.

It seemed really clever back in April.

I'm glad you're here.

Now we can bag on all the ladies letting their inner tramps out tonight.

Oh, here comes one now.

Aah! Cheri, you made it!

Oh, my God!

Okay, these are the people I have to hang out with every day, Cristela and Josh.

Bon appétit! [Laughs]

Hi, there.

That is a... that is a great costume.

Do you know what it is?

Not a clue, but I love it.

Who are you?!

Hot Carrie Underwood?

Uh, why not?

[Both laugh]

You look amazing! Look at your hair! Oh, nice job. And those jeans.

Is that a spatula? How cool is that? I think. Right?

Oh, my God, the thing I hate to happen is happening right in front of my face!

[Doorbell rings]

No candy here. Only rabid dogs.

[Knock on door]

[Growling]

Ms. Natalia, it's Alberto!

Let me in!

I brought candy... [laughs] And my spirit of childlike wonder.

Look at you, participating in this stupid holiday.

What?! I love Halloween!

People think I'm 15, and they give me all kinds of free stuff.

Some of it's not even candy. Check this out.

One guy gave me the rest of his mayonnaise.

Ohh.

Oh, how dare you put your beer... what?

Where I honor my abuelo Jaime.

You don't think this guy liked to drink?

Look at his face. It's red.

It's a black-and-white photo.

Go, go!

Tell me, why aren't you wearing a costume?

I am. [Laughs]

I'm Magnum P.I. you know who that is?

I'm guessing a man who ate a lot of pie.

[Doorbell rings]

Do not answer that?!

All: Trick or treat!

Hey, did you guys practice that?

'Cause that sounded professional.

You will not get candy here.

The only thing offered at this house are prayers for my brother, who was crushed to death by a stone!

Hey, everyone, there's a scary witch in this haunted house, and she's telling ghost stories.

With a 15-year-old Magnum P.I.

Hey, you got to Bob for that.

Stan, I know what you do on your computer all day.

Enjoy your apple.

Oates, come on!

Hey, we're a team.

We have to stick together, remember?

Yeah, that was a dumb idea.

I can't believe I'm saying this as Oates, but [Sighs] I think we should go solo.

What?! No way, okay?

I committed to this ridiculous costume to prove something to you.

The only thing you proved is that no costume can knock down your hotness.

Aww, thank you.

I wish I could say something that you wouldn't take as a compliment.

Aww!

Don't!

I can't believe that nerdy Josh would be into one of them.

Oh, God!

There you go again with the "one of them" talk.

I mean, how would you like it if people referred to you as "one of them"?

It's just that if even a guy like Josh goes for "one of those," what chance does a girl like me have?

I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but it's not great.

Exactly.

There are two types of women in the world.

There's... Hall...

Aww.

And there's Oates.

I see. You're just insecure.

Uh [Laughs] that's ridiculous.

Mnh-mnh.

Would an insecure woman dress up like a short, mustached, troll-like sidekick?

I think that's totally what an insecure woman would do.

You know what?

This isn't fun. I'm going home.

Apparently, there's a reunion of Destiny's Child at my wife's party.

Oh, guess Beyoncé just took her top off.

But, you know, I'm not worried, because I have got a giant spider in the elevator.

Come on. Do something, party whisperer.

I'm sorry. I just don't think I can pull it off tonight.

Maddie: Daddy, we've been here for a while now.

Can we please just go home?

Absolutely not!

Okay, you know, legally speaking, you can't force us to stay.

Yeah, we're lawyers. We know our rights.

Or maybe he can. Can he do that?

No.

Okay, it's over, daddy, all right? We're out of here.

No, no, no. You guys can't go.

Please. If you leave, then...

[Elevator bell dings]

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

Hey, lawyer nerds, listen up!

You remember how Hall & Oates...

Used to make us feel?

Not really. I was born in the '90s.

Their sweet, white souls...

Could lift my spirits up no matter how bad I felt.

[Sighs]

So...

[Chuckles]

I'm gonna sing a song...

I wrote when I was 13...

To John Oates.

This is for you.

He's still alive.

♪ Mama says I'm just a little girl with acne ♪

♪ but today is the day ♪

♪ I became a woma-a-a-a-a-n ♪

Right. Too personal.

I'm just gonna wing it.

♪ Hey, everybody ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Wee-e-e-e-n ♪

What are you doing?

I'm party whispering.

♪ And I'm the best party whisperer ♪

♪ you've ever seen ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

[Claps rhythmically]

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ everybody, sing along ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

[All clapping rhythmically]

♪ It's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ everybody, sing along ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ everybody, sing along ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

Do you get our costume now?!

♪ Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

Eh...

♪ It's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ everybody, sing along ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ everybody, sing along ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

Josh, sing it!

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

♪ everybody, sing along ♪

♪ it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

These hot chicks are saving the party!

♪ Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

Whoo!

♪ Everybody, sing along, it's Hall-Oates-Ween ♪

We're going to an after party. Who wants to come?

Ooh, I'm in. Party never ends for the J-Man.

Ah!

[Elevator bell dings]

Well, bring him, too.

Oh, well, actually, I-I am the J... oh, wait up.

Hi, Sir.

You should be happy. The party was a hit.

Do I look happy?

Always hard to read you, Sir.

By design.

You did it, Cristela. You pulled it off.

Oh, really?

You're the only one that noticed.

You sound a little insecure.

[Scoffs]

Why does everybody in your family keep saying that to me?

I let those hot girls get to me.

It almost ruined my Halloween.

Maybe I'm a little insecure.

In a way, I let a hot girl ruin my Halloween, too.

Of course, I didn't really expect to top my wife's party with chips and dip and a poor man's Gabe Kaplan.

Sir, for the last time, I am guitar legend John W...

I know who you are!

I thought Oates was the one that's supposed to have a sense of humor.

Sit down.

Oy.

It was a good effort tonight, Cristela, but we didn't win this round.

Tough night.

I hate that I let them make me feel this way.

Oh, please.

Someone dressed up like you gets on that desk first and starts singing about problem skin?

[Laughs]

I was young.

I wrote what I knew.

Aw.

You took a crapped-out stable, and you turned it into a dance hall.

Now, there may be shinier fillies out there, but my money is on the nag that doesn't know she's really a show pony.

Oh!

I'm the show pony, right?

Thank you, Sir.

You're welcome. Now go.

Let me finish my alone drink.

Cristela, don't you want to come to this party?

'Cause I can't be the only person to jump on a table.

I'd look like an idiot.

I need you, hmm?

Oates has waited so many years to hear that.

So, I looked into the milky eyes of Blind Pedro...

Who was obviously unaware that the coyotes were about to tear off his face!

Aah!

What, you kids saw that coming?

What's going on here?

Ms. Natalia's telling us, uh, scary stories about her ancestors while I'm trying not to go Po-Po in my P.I. shorts.

Don't tell me you made all these kids sit here, listen to your day of the dead tales.

I made them do nothing.

Usually, when I tell people at the grocery store about my dead relatives, they scatter.

These kids seem to like it.

Oh! And they paid me in candy to hear them.

This is amazing.

Ama, you actually celebrated Halloween.

In my own way, Daniela.

Now, who wants to hear about the demon who caused Cousin Mirasol's foot boil to burst!

[All cheer]

Pay me. Pay me.