01x06 - What Is Best in Life?

[bunniefuu]

[5678! By Butterfly Boucher playing]

Feel it, feel it, feel it.

Oh, yeah, ah, ah.

It's happening. It's happening. It's happening. It's...

Oh, hey, Rebecca, look who I ran into. Our old buddy from law school, Dana McCoy!

Dana.

[Laughs]

Rebecca, hello. Hello, Rebecca.

Dana.

Hmm, I haven't seen you since... [Chuckles] I was appointed Judge.

Well, congratulations.

Mm-hmm.

When I heard, I just... I couldn't believe it.

The girl who dry humped a statue of Thurgood Marshall.

Yes, I did, and it was Thur-great.

[Laughter]

I see what you did there.

Hey, hey, congratulations to you.

I hear you finally are an attorney.

I know how hard it was for you to pass that bar.

Mm, well, if anyone knows how hard it is to pass a bar, it's you.

Glug, glug, glug, glug.

[Laughing]

Isn't this great?

The old g*ng from law school back together again.

Tom...

Yeah.

Did not tell me that you were going to be in my courtroom today.

Yeah, or me in yours.

Well, I know how much you two love surprises.

Now, really, is this gonna be a problem in the courtroom?

Please say yes.

Of course not.

I mean, I just came over 'cause I wanted to make sure that I got a fair trial.

You know, a lot of judges are out this week, so...

[Chuckles]

Short straw.

You're short.

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Very on the nose.

But so good to see you.

Mwah.

[Clears throat]

[Laughs]

[Groans]

Oh, Dana McCoy.

She has not changed a bit.

She's the worst.

She is, God.

But I'm so jealous you have a rival.

Wish I had a rival.

I mean, my oil change guy, he's pretty mean, but I think he's just mean to everybody.

[Upbeat music]

Okay, what the hell is that?

A bolt of pelts.

What?

Please tell me that that's not real fur.

No, it's faux.

Fo sho?

Fo real.

Stopped by my furrier this morning.

Gosh, how many fake cats gave their lives for that bolt?

Mm.

What's it for?

I'm making a barbarian outfit.

What?

All right, you got 30 seconds to explain yourself before you get out of my office.

Conan-con.

What?

Conan-con is a convention that happens downtown where we celebrate the stoic majesty of Conan the Barbarian.

Okay, we dress up, drink mead, watch the movie.

So it's like caveman comic-con?

Fantasy, thank you.

But basically, Schwarzenegger's gonna be there this year.

Ooh.

You should come with me.

Oh, no, I'm busy that night.

I didn't tell you what night it was gonna be on.

Yeah, but generally for these types of invitations, I'm busy all nights, so...

Look, Rebecca, it's a great movie.

It was written by Oliver Stone, John Milius.

Ooh.

James Earl Jones turns into a snake.

[Gasps]

Just turns into a snake.

It's a cinematic masterpiece.

Yeah, well, if it's so great, why don't you just go by yourself?

'Cause I don't like to hang out with a bunch of drunk white people holding swords... I need backup.

You're asking me to be your token white?

Mm-hmm.

I am declining politely.

Thank you.

Mr. Tad Latardo, currently the starting quarterback for SoCal state...

[Chuckles]

Go bulldogs!

Got drunk and hung his bare buttocks out the passenger side window of his friend's car.

Ms. Mayhew saw the buttocks, fell, and sustained minor injuries.

She is seeking damages in the amount of...

$3 million?

Yep.

Tom, this is ridiculous.

I agree, Rebecca.

I move for summary judgment.

Let's throw this case out right now.

Dana, uh...

[Clears throat]

Ms. McCoy, I understand that you and I have some history outside of the courtroom, but in my court, I'd like you to refer to me as Judge Wright.

Okay?

Mr. Barlow, do you have any evidence to substantiate these claims?

Yes, Your Honor.

Ms. Mayhew can no longer function in society.

Since this intentional exposure, she can't eat food that's served on buns, she won't go outside during a full moon, and she lost her crafting business because she could no longer say nor hear the word "button."

[Gags]

Sorry.

So sorry.

You can't prove causation.

Rebecca... Wright, comma, Judge.

This case is absurd.

A lot of judges would have thrown this case out already.

Well, I am not a lot of judges.

I'll say. Appointed by Schwarzenegger.

I'm sorry, what's that?

Oh, nothing.

No, go ahead and say it.

You're a Schwarzenegger appointee.

And?

Mm?

Okay, Counselor, please approach.

Hmm.

I'm gonna join up here.

I want to get some ringside seats for this one.

So go ahead and say what you were gonna say.

Okay, well, it's a well-known fact that when Schwarzenegger was governor, the number of young, attractive female appointees, including yourself, went up almost, mm, 200%.

[Chuckles]

I call it the breast lift.

Well, uh, it's also a well-known fact that I graduated top of our class, and my record's impeccable.

And you're the youngest judge ever appointed in the history of the state of California.

Yeah, I know.

I use that in all my commencement speeches.

Look, I don't have time for this chitchat, and I'm not gonna buy into these unsubstantiated rumors.

[Imitating Schwarzenegger]

It's not a rumor.

Oh, my God, are you coming down with, like, a head cold?

No, it's Schwarzenegger,Kindergarten Cop.

Spot-on Schwarzenegger.

That was...

Yeah, thank you.

I think we should leave that outside the courtroom because I think these people deserve better, hmm?

That's what I said when I found out you were a judge.

God, if you were any taller, I would slap you across the face, but you're so small, I can't reach you.

FYI, Schwarzenegger did not make me valedictorian, he did not help me pass the bar, and he did not make me a stellar D.A.

Tom, call your witness.

[Whistles]

Yes, let's do.

Round one, you.

Ms. Mayhew, could you describe the night in question?

I was out for exotic small plates with my scrapbooking group.

We had just finished a very involved session helping one of our members scrap a family vacation to Legoland, and we needed to unwind.

We were waiting to cross the street when the defendant's car pulled up, and...

I don't know if I can say this in court.

Give it a sh*t.

I'll pull you back if you go too far.

Well, this disgusting young man leaned out of the car window and yelled "yolo, hos" toward my friends and I.

Then he pulled down his pants and hung his buttocks and...

Maybe a little extra out the window.

A little extra?

You know, the...

The dragon fruit.

I was so shocked by the sight of it, I tripped backwards over the curb, and I stumbled into a bush, where I incurred bodily injury.

Did you think it was going to chase you, Ms. Mayhew?

The physical injuries healed, but psychologically, those bare buttocks are in my mind until the day I die.

Thank you, Ms. Mayhew.

Your witness.

You've mentioned that the defendant's buttocks has been b*rned irrevocably into your mind.

Yes.

So it's safe to assume that you can accurately describe the defendant's buttocks.

Yes, I can.

So no moles, no birthmarks, no identifying features of any kind?

No.

Okay.

Your Honor, the defense would like to submit exhibit a, a photograph of the defendant's buttocks.

Let the record show the defendant has a tattoo on his right buttocks.

Buttock. It's singular.

Well, when it comes to that part of the anatomy, you're the expert.

Yeah, I am,

'cause I'm looking at one right now.

Clearly that was not the buttock you saw.

So, uh, Mr. Latardo, what... what is that exactly?

It's Alec Baldwin.

He's dope.

Ah.

Looks a little more like Billy Baldwin.

Was he in Bio-dome?

That's an entirely different Baldwin.

That's Stephen Baldwin.

Billy Baldwin was in Backdraft.

Hey, when you sit down, does it turn into Daniel Baldwin?

Homicide: Life on the Street.

[Chuckles]

Now, Mr. Latardo, I'm assuming that because you're familiar with that butt, it does belong to you, in fact.

Yup.

I am telling you, that tattoo wasn't there.

Order, Ms. Mayhew, order.

That man att*cked my eyes with his body.

He used it as a w*apon, and you don't even get it.

I wish I had gotten a real judge instead of some bikini model who got their job from the bottom of Arnold's hot tub.

Ms. Mayhew...

Tom... Ms. Mayhew.

First of all...

Well, thank you very much, because I do try to do what I can to keep fit, so you know...

But I am a real judge, all right?

I wield real power in the state of California, and I get to do this.

[Gavel claps]

Oh.

Boom, lunch.

Mmm, Hector, I've been looking forward to this all morning.

I swear, if you weren't parked right here, I would issue a bench warrant.

[Chuckles]

Oh,Mira.

One more thing.

Fresh guac. It's on the house.

Hey, um, Hector, I've got to ask.

How come you always give me free guac?

Ah, I give all the pretty ladies free guacamole.

All the pretty ladies?

Yeah, and especially the redheads.

Rawr!

I'd like to pay for it.

Oh, all right.

Yeah, that'll be... that'll be $7.

Starting next time, okay?

Conan the Barbarian festival, downtown convention center, tomorrow night.

Got two tickets.

What do you say?

Oh, two tickets.

No, you know, I don't want to be a third wheel, so...

Hey, have fun with your friend.

No...

Have you ever had mead?

I'm talking, like... this is good mead too.

Girl, it'll get you messed up.

Listen, I wish I could, but I have ironclad plans.

I'm integrating my cats, and tomorrow night is a crucial moment.

It's... it's their first mutual litter boxing.

[Exhales sharply and murmurs]

All the mutton you can eat.

On me, huh?

Tippy doesn't like me to eat lamb.

She says it makes me lethargic.

Plus, that ticket should go to a real fan.

Tom, mutton... it's the meat of warriors.

It's a magical night.

I mean, that I can promise you.

I am not going.

Okay, but what if I said...

Uh, excuse me.

May I borrow you for just a moment, please?

Absolutely, Tedward, you wait right there, right there.

Come on, let's go. Let's go, let's go.

Mutton, okay? Remember mutton.

Sir, have you heard of the breast lift?

You bet. My wife had one five years ago.

Fantastic.

No, no.

Sir, I'm talking about when Schwarzenegger was governor, he appointed an unusually high number of attractive women to the bench.

I mean, is that true?

Who can say? Truth is so subjective.

Yeah, but I mean is it something that you've heard?

I don't know.

One hears so many things in these halls of justice.

You're dodging my question.

Absolutely not... I'm so sorry, but I think I left Tedward waiting for me.

Tedward.

Tedward?

[Clears throat] Tedward... I'm looking at all the judges that Schwarzenegger appointed.

They're all attractive women.

Look at these women. Hot.

Hot. Hot.

Super hot.

Look, I'm sure they're not all hotties.

Look.

Oh, look, they hired her for her personality.

Schwarzenegger appointee right there.

Linda Shriver.

Okay, well, that was a bad idea.

Eh. Judge Wright, Your Honor, I'm so sorry, all right?

My client was totally out of line in there.

All right, you're not a sexy judge. [Laughs] I mean you are, but...

Oh, I see now what happened in there.

It's like a verbal trap.

All right, listen, do you think there's really any validity to what Dana said?

I mean, do you think there is a thing?

This breast lift thing, you think it's true?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, that's ridiculous.

No, no.

That's not... mm-mm.

Ridiculous.

All right.

Both of you...

Mm-hmm.

I want you to look at me and say the first word that comes to your mind. Go.

Pretty.

Chlamydia.

What?

[Grunts]

You said the first word that came into my head, and that was the word.

Why is the first word a venereal disease?

I can't possibly answer that.

The human mind and its workings are still a mystery to us all.

Mm.

That is... that is very true.

Listen, Tom. As much as I appreciate you sucking up or truth telling, I think you should prepare your client for the worst.

I'm probably gonna throw the case out.

Oh, God, that is great.

Thank you.

She had a complete breakdown at lunch when someone buttered their bun.

Mm.

No more pro bono work.

All right.

See you in there.

Bye, Tom.

Tedward, I think I'm just gonna have to come to terms with the fact that I will never know why Schwarzenegger appointed me.

Yeah, obviously.

I mean, the only way you could talk to him is if...

[Gasps]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Gasps]

I could ask him. He's gonna be at Conan-con.

Yes, he is.

♪ Oh, Tedward ♪

Mm-hmm?

I'm gonna be your date.

All right, but you know what that means.

What?

You go, you got to go all the way.

Full regalia?

Full regalia!

[Dramatic music]

Look at you, girl. You look good.

Who runs barter town?

That's the wrong movie. That's Mad Max.

Oh. That's not this?

No, but you look great, though.

Thank you.

Yeah.

So do you. I like what you did with that skirt.

I guess I thought in my mind, it would be a little more, you know, shirts-and-pantsy, but I like it.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie to you, going to the ATM before I got here was a little weird, kind of awkward.

Yeah, where did you put the money?

It's in there.

Mm.

Tedward, this is like a sad nerd museum.

And nobody dressed up.

That guy... that guy had a Fanny pack on.

Come on, they're not very barbariany.

What the hell is going on... look, let me check.

Okay, look, it says here 20th annual Conan-con.

Look, prizes, screenings, panels, costume.

Both: Optional.

Oh, Tedward, I'm gonna k*ll you.

Look at me. Where's the mead?

Look, chill out, Judge.

Look, you look great, and look, we're not the only people here in costumes.

We got gray hair ponytail barbarian.

We got parents dressing their kids up [Dog barks] like baby barbarians.

Look at those wild dogs over there.

Those are Pomeranians.

The wild Pomeranians of Encino.

[Dog barks]

Where is Ahnuld?

I don't know.

Attention, barbarians, wizards, witches, and those not in costume, please accept our sincere apology.

We just learned that Mr. Schwarzenegger will not be attending tonight's event due to we misread his RSVP card.

But mongol general number three is still in the lobby handing out free mugs of mead.

What? Mongol general number three?

What's he gonna do for me?

Unless he served under Schwarzenegger.

Man.

Judge, why does this rumor bother you so much?

'Cause it just does, Tedward. You know, it's annoying.

It's like a fly buzzing around my head.

[Cape tears]

Get off my cape, Tedward.

Look, I'm in that courtroom with you every day, and I can honestly say that you're the best judge I've ever been a bailiff for.

How many judges have you bailiffed for?

Well...

I'm the only one, right?

Yes, mm-hmm.

I would have liked to give you a quote from Conan, but...

Go right over my head like Subotai's God.

You watched the movie.

Well, figured if I was gonna be around a bunch of drunken white people with swords, I better know what I'm in for.

Mm-hmm.

[Clears throat]

[Grunting]

Everything okay, Mr. Latardo?

No, no problem at all, Your Honor.

Well, it seems like you're having a little bit of trouble there.

Oh, yeah, I just...

I got injured in practice.

You practice at night now?

Yup.

Helmet to hip.

It's a violent sport.

Seems like your injury's right around your Alec Baldwin.

Your Honor, I don't see how his injury is relevant.

Sit down, Counselor.

I have a theory, Mr. Latardo.

Yeah, I think your Alec Baldwin's new.

I think you got it for your defense, and I think Alec Baldwin's infected.

Nope, next witness.

No, I call the next witness, and I call Alec Baldwin to the stand.

Mr. Latardo, come on.

Come on.

[Shuddering]

Okay, yeah, it's a new tattoo, and it's pretty frickin' infected.

Okay, so just to be clear, you got this new tattoo during these court proceedings, you put something on it to make it look old for the evidence photos, and whatever that was...

Probably talcum powder, I'm guessing, caused the infection?

How did you know?

Because I got a tattoo myself.

Upper right thigh.

Objection... relevance and nauseousness, Your Honor.

Overruled, Counselor.

Anyway, I changed my mind halfway through, so I got yin but no yang.

So I know a little something about infections in bad places.

Yes, we're all very aware of that.

All right, Counselor, approach.

Oh.

Yes?

One more comment like that, and I will find you in contempt.

[Gasps]

Well, I find it contemptible that you bring your sordid little personal life into the courtroom.

And just so you know, I will be filing a formal complaint with the judicial board of review, and Ahnuld isn't on that.

[Clears throat]

Recess while I figure out what I should do you with you, Mr. Latardo.

Court needs about ten minutes to think about your ass.

[Gavel claps]

I know what I said, Counselor.

Please be seated.

Sorry, Mr. Latardo.

You don't have a choice.

Okay.

Ms. Mayhew, you saw an ass.

I'm sorry you fell into a bush, but you don't get $3 million for it.

You don't even get 1.

People have been showing one another their asses since the dawn of time.

We do it because it's hilarious.

All right?

Throwing the case out.

I'm not finished.

Mr. Latardo, you took a small thing and made it worse by getting that tattoo.

You tampered with evidence, and you lied to a judge.

Luckily for you, I have personal knowledge of how a terrible tattoo can be its own form of punishment, so I will sentence you to nothing more.

Glad you finally did your job, Rebecca.

Actually, Dana, if you were doing your job, you would have known that your client was lying to you, and I warned you about calling me Rebecca.

I'm finding you in contempt.

Tedward, cuff her and get her out of my courtroom.

My pleasure.

I mean, really.

[Kisses]

You're really k*lling the old g*ng here, Rebecca.

Your Honor.

[Clears throat]

Judge Wright.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Here you go, Tedward.

Two sh*ts of your favorite.

What the hell is that?

It's two sh*ts of birthday cake vodka.

No whipped cream?

Can't drink birthday cake vodka without whipped cream.

What?

Give me those. I'll be right back.

Gotta do everything.

What's next, sprinkles?

Hey, Judge, how you doing?

Sir.

Rebecca.

Nice to see you slumming it with us plebs.

Don't worry. I'll be brief.

May I?

Yeah, please do.

I just wanted to tell you that I feel a bit guilty about how our conversation ended the other day at the courthouse.

Oh, sir, um, please, that's...

That's very nice of you, but, uh...

Just wanted to say that judges...

Really all people in positions of power...

Have moments when they question how they got there.

You may wonder if you rose through the ranks because you're an attractive woman,

[Sighs] or you...

May just think it was because you were just another minority hire.

[Clears throat]

And I'm here in this establishment that I don't like much to tell you that it doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter how you got the robe, Rebecca.

It just matters what you do with it once you get there.

And you, you do a great job.

Wow, uh...

Thank you, sir.

I really needed to hear that, and...

Uh, well, it means a lot to me, coming from you.

[Mutters indistinctly]

[Clears throat]

Um, I'm... I'm gonna go to the bar, and I'm gonna get a sh*t of Tequila, and I'm gonna drink it.

Then I'm gonna take my two French bulldogs on a very brisk hike.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Good night, sir.

Bye, Judge.

What'd he want?

He wanted to tell me that I'm a good judge.

Really? [Chuckles] I tell you that all the time! All the time, and I get nothing.

And then bolo tie rides in here on his white horse, and you just break down and start sniffling?

Ugh. It's not right. It's not right.

Look... no, no. Oh.

What?

No birthday cake vodka for you.

Ugh. That's not booze either. That's a kids ice cream flavor.

That is not a punishment for me. I just want you to be clear about that.