01x06 - F is for Fight, Fight, Fight!

[bunniefuu]

Oh, sh**t! I don't want to wait.

Okay, what do you want to do? Thai?

Uh, I like Thai, but I don't like Thai.

Should we do pinks?

Pinks?

We... what are we, tourists?

We might as well go to planet Hollywood.

Okay, yes, I deserved that.

Uh, what do you... what do you want to do?

Me? I don't... it's up to you. I'll go wherever you want to go.

I'm starving.

Oh, oh. Oh, my!

Maybe watch where you're...

You just made me drop my bean burrito! Watch where you're going, ho!

What did you just call her?

I called her a ho, bitch.

[Crowd murmurs]

[Ding!]

Narrator: Andrew is no stranger to confrontation. After his mother d*ed, he had anger issues. He calls this move "The Spider Monkey." So Andrew's father found a way for him to channel his rage.

[Grunts] [Ding!]

Narrator: In this moment, Andrew wonders, "does Zelda want a fighter, or does she want..."

Hey! Listen up.

Let me tell you why you're so angry tonight, okay?

'Cause you got all dressed up in your finest t*nk top with your puka-shell necklace, but here you are drunk and alone and frustrated, and now you're gonna be walking home with one sandal.

Huh?

Woman: Roof it! Whoo!

Hey. Hey. Come on. Zelda. Zelda!

[Crowd chanting "roof it!"]

Please don't roof my sandal.

Oh, it's getting roofed.

[Chanting continues]

[Cheers and applause]

That was awesome. That was awesome.

Not again.

Woman: She's amazing.

Woman 2: What just happened?

Your girlfriend's a badass.

That was amazing.

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for seven months, one week, four days, and three hours. This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship... From A to Z.

All right, so, let's move on to the "hobbies" section.

I mean, I could have taken this guy, you know?

And then the next thing I know, Zelda's roofing his sandal.

I s-shouldn't feel weird about this, though, right?

Yes, you should.

My fix is, though, we should find the guy, and we should Spider-Monkey his ass.

Oh, okay, so your fix to my problem is to track down a random surfer dude I met outside of a restaurant and use my old jujitsu move on him from middle school.

Yep, and I can do my thing... okay.

Which is like the "everybody, back up.

Let them work it out," you know?

Okay.

And then once you get down to the ground...

I'll be like, "take that, boy!" And then I'll bite him.

Our new client's here.

Dump the unwindable case on the associates.

Oh, I don't know.

I think this could be a tremendous opportunity for us.

It's this poor, little farmer.

He's being bullied by this giant bio-tech company.

It's a real David-and-Goliath story.

And you don't take a case because you can win.

You take it because it's the right thing to do.

And our client is looking for somebody... anybody...

Who will help him stand up against this law-violating behemoth.

Wow, I've never heard you be so passionate about a case before.

Why, yes, I've really got a feeling about this one in my gut.

There he is.

Are you sure that feeling isn't a little bit lower in your body?

Lydia, I was watching "Jerry Maguire" last night, and it made me realize that if you have feelings for someone, you just have to say so, so I love...

[Cellphone vibrating]

Lydia?

Where are you? Why is silent Arnold sitting at your desk?

Lydia: Turn around.

I swapped desks for the day.

It's a little management experiment I learned from Mike Bloomberg.

If you sit amongst your people, they feel more connected.

Therefore, they will listen to you.

How's it going so far?

I'm gonna say a home run.

Stu: I was just thinking.

Forget about what I said about you tracking him down and then me biting him.

I think I have another plan how we can regain your lost manhood.

I'm actually okay with my manhood.

That's just your lost manhood talking.

We need to get your edge back so your girlfriend doesn't think she's dating some giant talking vag*na with beautiful hair.

All right, right. Do you remember when we were kids, and I...

No. No, no, no, no, no, st...

Do not Kato me.

Narrator: Kato was a character from "The Pink Oanther," Andrew and Stu's 10th-favorite movie franchise.

He was Inspector Clouseau's assistant...

[All screaming]

Who would att*ck him at any moment as a way to keep him on his toes.

Fine. Whatever you say.

I definitely won't not Kato you.

Great. Wait.

[Cellphone vibrating]

Hey. What's up?

Hey. Nothing.

Just, um... seeing how your day's going.

It's actually pretty rough so far.

I just took on this giant case. That's great.

Listen, I was going to stand up to that guy last night.

Yeah, I know. I bet you would have.

But I didn't because I didn't know if you were into the whole tough-guy thing.

Andrew, big, muscle-bound hotheads...

That's a... that's a huge turn-off for me.

That's what I figured, which is why I didn't say anything when that guy called you a dirty ho.

It was just "ho."

Just... there was no "dirt"...

Why did you add in "dirty"?

Anyway, I'm glad that you didn't, you know, because I like guys who are level-headed and sweet, smart, sensitive, funny.

Basically, you.

I also have piercing eyes.

[Chuckles]

But you know I can... I can see you right now.

I got to... um... there's a...

[Receiver clicks]

[Chuckles]

[Stephie moans]

[Clatter]

[Clearing throat]

Uh, Stephie, I...

Hmm? You have something on your face, I believe.

It is our client.

Mm-hmm.

Um, thank you, Frank.

That will be all for today.

And I will, um...See you tomorrow for some more law.

Okay. Ms. Bennett. Ms. Vasco.

What are you doing?!

But he kissed me. That doesn't matter.

Stephie, you could get fired for this.

Okay, just hear me out. We are so compatible.

I mean, he loves organic food and... and animals and being outside.

You eat hot dogs from gas stations!

You traded your old cat for a pair of jeans!

A once-in-a-lifetime fit.

You're pulling a classic Stephie right now.

Classic Stephie?

Yes, yes.

You meet a guy, you take on all of his interests in order to seem more compatible.

Okay, maybe I've done that in the past, but it's different with Frank.

I really, really like him, Z.

Okay.

Well, the only way for you to date Frank is if you recuse yourself from the case.

Yes, but by doing that, it would mean you'd have to take on all the extra work yourself.

Mm-hmm.

Z, I think you're the best friend a girl could ever have.

[Chuckles]

And I am, quite possibly, the worst.

[Telephone ringing]

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

Fight, fight, fight!

[Laughs evilly]

[Chuckles]

I told you not to Kato me.

I knew you still had it in you.

Did you guys see how easy it was for him to put me down?

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Let's all get back to our desks immediately.

Thank you. Let's go.

I'm so sorry, Howard.

Thank you.

Sorry, Howard.

[Clears throat]

Thank you.

[Shouting foreign gibberish]

Oh!

No! No! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I can slap you! I'll slap you!

I said get back to your desks!

Fighting is wrong!

And we're gonna have a meeting about it tomorrow to discuss it!

At the meeting, there's gonna be a PowerPoint presentation and a series of instructional videos sh*t by me and my buddy Tucker!

I will see all of you at the meeting!

This meeting should also cover latent racism.

You went after those karate noises pretty hard.

I apologize. I was doing a thing from an old movie.

Your beef is with the year 1964.

Wow.

You just instantaneously attained respect around here.

You're no longer viewed as some weird, asexual nothing.

Their words, not mine.

You hear things when you're among them.

Thank you?

Maybe I was wrong to think that I need to sit out here and connect with these people.

Fear, as you just displayed, is a far more effective leadership tool, specifically one that includes the subtle thr*at of v*olence.

You still got that edge, though, man.

It's nice to see.

I think you may have broken my wrist.

But I'm not mad, and I will tell Zelda fo' definite that you kicked my ass.

Stu, I just got off the phone with Zelda.

She likes the sweet, sensitive type.

[Both laugh]

Sounds like dissonance.

What?

There's what people say they want in a mate and what they actually click on... dissonance.

Women on our site say they want sweet and sensitive, but they click on guys with abs and gelled hair.

Well, is it possible that maybe Zelda's different?

Hmm. Interesting.

Someone who goes completely against her biological instincts.

[Sighs]

This whole Stephie-Frank situation is so uncomfortable.

Have you ever heard a British person try to say "y'all"?

I hope it works out for her, but this case is so...

Narrator: All Andrew could think about was whether Zelda was telling the truth. Was she saying she wanted a sensitive guy but really wanted a tough guy? Would Zelda dump him for a tough guy? And would that tough guy be Channing Tatum?

Hey. I have a fun idea.

How about tonight, we cut dinner short and just, you know... [smacks lips]

Stay in? [Chuckles]

No.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah, it's not you.

I just need some time to myself tonight.

Is that okay?

Yeah, no. S-sure. Sure.

I mean, it's just... it's tonight's the first night we haven't spent together.

But it's... I-I don't... it's fine.

See you tomorrow, though.

Cool, yeah, no, I'll see... of course, yeah.

Okay.

Bye.

[Elevator bell dings]

[Screaming]

Ohh.

It's like we're boys again.

So, Zelda won't have sex with you...

Howard.

I just read this report you submitted, and it is completely insufficient.

Well, maybe next time, you'd better do it yourself.

Really?!

Really.

Ow!

Do they look scared? I thought we said no rings.

So, Zelda didn't want to have sex with you, and it was the night after she roofed your penis.

Hmm. I wouldn't worry.

I don't think the two things are connected.

Well, I appreciate your concern there, Stu, but I think I can handle this on my own.

Well, in case you can't, I brought... This.

I have no interest in watching "Porky's" right now.

[Chuckles] Don't you joke. You know what this is.

You show her this, and you won't have to do anything to prove what kind of man you are.

I just have to roll the tape.

Is that an actual VCR you brought over?

Andrew: Well, you know, I figure we'd just, uh, watch a little TV.

Plus, these tapes... worth it.

Hi, guys. Hi. Hi.

Um, Andrew, this is, um... this is...Frank.

Hey.

This is, um, Andrew.

What's up?

How's it going?

So, he's not just a farmer. [Chuckles]

He actually is quite the handyman, and he just...Fixed all our pipes... the leaky ones.

He just fixed them. [Chuckles]

Oh. And he's shirtless, why?

Just, uh, mostly for fun.

Hey, you need a hand with that?

Nah, bro, I got it. It's... I'm all good.

"Enter the dragon: The Andrew Lofland Story." What's on this?

That was actually gonna be a-a surprise, but...

Oh...Uh, I... we... I figured it would be fun if we...

If we watched some of my old jujitsu videos.

Oh, I didn't know you were an athlete.

Yeah, well, "athlete."

I mean, you know, my... my sensei skipped me a belt, so...

I went straight from... from blue to brown.

And it's just that would have taken normally, like, a year or two.

Well, you know, um, Frank's quite the athlete, as well.

[Laughter]

Oh, no, no.

It's not a big deal. I just played a little football.

Oh, for real? Where did you play, bro?

Uh, Florida state.

Sweet.

That's huge! That's such a huge deal!

Yeah. That's, uh... that's really, really big.

Can we see some of this footage of you all...

Young and sweaty?

Yeah.

Oh, sure, yeah. It's all over the Internet.

Just Google "Frank Clark, rose bowl, backflip."

Ooh. Wow. Huh. Yeah.

Um, listen, we're going to the farmer's market in Hollywood tonight.

Why don't you two come?

I mean, when are you actually gonna go to a farmer's market with an actual farmer?

[Chuckles]

Oh, I've... I... maybe never.

Right?

Um, Andrew, what do you think?

Do you... got it! Fixed it! Fixed the, um...

Oh. Here we go.

Great.

[AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" plays]

Woman: All right, you can do this.

Oh, my God. You were so small.

Well, I hadn't hit my growth spurt yet, but this...

Oh, okay, look.

Now, this here... here is where I use a leglock to win the match.

♪ Ice-cream kisses in the sun ♪

No! No!

Oh, my goodness!

♪ Move my heart till summer's gone ♪

[Laughter]

♪ Ice-cream kisses in the sun ♪

That's not me.

Look at you. He is the tiniest boy I've ever seen.

♪ Move my heart till summer's gone ♪

That's enough.

♪ ice-cream kisses in the sun ♪

What... uh, how far is the farmer's market?

Man, this place is the worst.

It's dirty and expensive and weird.

It's Holly-weird.

[Laughs loudly]

That's so funny. He's so funny.

Hey, this... this may be crazy, but do you want to leave and spend the weekend with me on my farm?

[Laughing] Oh, my God.

It's like you just read my mind.

Okay, what am I thinking now?

Doing it on some hay.

Oh, my God, you have a gift. You actually have a gift.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Dang! Got to love that girl.

Yeah. She commits.

I don't know about that Frank guy, though.

He's kind of a show-off.

Well, you know. Ohh! God!

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Abe, watch where you're going.

Honestly? You should keep walking.

Okay, I-I'm pretty sure it's... it's a free country.

Uh, thanks to me.

Narrator: Andrew had hit a breaking point. Presented with an opportunity to test his manhood against his third-favorite president, Andrew took it.

Zelda, I got this.

Come on. Let's go.

Got what?

You trying to Wilkes booth me, bitch?

Okay, that's it. Bring it, sucka.

[Distorted voice] Aah!

[Ding!]

Narrator: The Spider Monkey.

[Screaming]

[Grunts]

What the hell?! Get off me!

Oh, my God, you're a girl.

But your... your costume and your... your voice.

You're crazy, dude. And I should know.

I spin a sign for a living.

Zelda.

I'm sorry I flipped out!

You assaulted lady Lincoln!

Yeah, okay, but I also apologized to lady Lincoln, and I even agreed to see her improv troupe.

Andrew! You terrified me tonight.

[Sighs]

You know what? I think...

I-I-I think you should just...Go.

Okay.

But just, you know, for the record, the reason I att*cked him...

Her. It was a woman.

Her... is... is because...

It's important to me that you know that I'm not just the sweet and... and sensitive type, okay?

I-I have a-a darkness in me.

What does that even mean?

It means that I'm the guy who stands up for his girlfriend, okay?

I'm the guy who would never start a bar fight, but if one just happened to... to break out, I'm the one wielding a pool cue or a stool, if the bar doesn't have billiards.

I would never date that type of guy, ever.

You say that, but the first time you didn't want to spend the night with me was directly after you stood up to that guy instead of me. Oh, my God.

No, that is not why, which is something you would know if you'd actually been listening to me.

[Ding!]

Narrator: And if he had been listening, this is what he would have heard. This whole Stephie-Frank situation is so uncomfortable.

Have you ever heard a British person try to say "y'all"?

I hope it works out for her, but this case is so complicated.

[Laughing] This bio-tech company has 11 lawyers!

11 against one.

It's only been one day, and I'm already exhausted.

I have five hours of work ahead of me tonight alone.

Hey. I have a fun idea.

How about tonight, we cut dinner short and just, you know... [smacks lips]

Oh.

You know what I find attractive?

Someone who listens to me.

Like, if I'm having a crazy day at work, someone who maybe is willing to take the burden off of me by making little decisions so that I don't have to.

What, like picking a restaurant?

Exactly.

Meeting in 10.

Woman: Yes. Absolutely.

Man: Yes, sir.

Man 2: Uh, heading there right now.

Woman 2: Right away, sir.

Yes. Thanks. Copy that.

Amazing.

Instead of me being looked at with respect borne out of fear for slapping you, it is you, the slapped, who's reaping the benefits.

What benefits? I lost two crowns.

I had it all wrong.

Being a great leader isn't about connection or having them fear you.

Sympathy.

That's the key ingredient I must attain.

How?

I have an ace that I've been keeping up my sleeve for quite a while.

I think it's time to pull it out.

Hey. What you doing?

Work, right?

I know. It's like, "Monday. Ugh!

Can't wait for hump day."

[Chuckles] It's Wednesday.

'Cause then it's like you're over the hump.

Um...Other things.

Hey!

Um, did I ever show you guys this?

[People gasping]

Fell off a slide in middle school, and the doctors set it wrong.

What's their reaction, Howard? Do they look sympathetic?

[Retching]

[Gags]

Yes, they... they definitely do.

[Sighs]

Hey. Hi.

I'm just finishing up Frank's case.

Huh. This was a lot of work.

[Chuckles] But it was worth it.

In the name of love.

Yeah, no, I'm over that.

[Sighs] What happened?

So, I'm there, breathing in the country air, sipping fresh cow's milk, playing with the little herd dog, and I'm like, "yeah, yeah, this is everything I could have ever wanted... For the last three days."

I mean, it's just not me, is it?

No.

I mean, gone are the days where Stephie gives up herself for a man.

But I'm sorry about leaving you with all this work.

Oh, there's no need to apologize.

Actually, the bio-tech company called over the weekend, and they agreed to settle.

Hmm! You were right. This case was a winner.

How much did they settle for?

Whoo!

[Ding!]

Uh, let's just say it was a lot.

Huh. No.

No, no, no, Stephie, don't do this.

No, I am gonna stand by my decision.

He is not what I'm looking for.

What are you looking for?

Something like what you and Andrew have would be nice.

Someone sweet like that.

With you working so hard lately, I figured I'd come over and take some of the burden off your day.

Oh, yeah? What do you got for me?

I picked a restaurant...

Take-out from Gingergrass.

That's my favorite.

There's more.

Talk to me.

I figured if you had time, maybe afterwards, I could take you out and buy you some fro-yo.

Ooh.

Maybe I'll order a euro tart...Topped with mango and those round things I don't know the name of.

They're called mochi.

And then maybe after that, I could... I could bring you back here, and I could do some chores.

What kind of chores?

I... Was not prepared for you to ask me that question.

[Cork pops]

Andrew! Andrew, come in here! Oh, gosh, there's... there's a really big spider. Ugh! It's right there.

Okay, okay, okay.

It's a big spider. I need you to k*ll it.

I got this.

Okay, k*ll it! Oh, Andrew! k*ll it! k*ll it!

There. Okay. No one needs to die today. There you go, little buddy. Be free. Live and let live.

[Screams]

[All screaming]

Yeah!

Stu!

How long have you been here?

For the entire day.