01x07 - G is for Geronimo

[bunniefuu]

This is a huge step.

I think we're ready.

I don't know. The idea of sharing our stuff is...

It's a little scary.

I say we just take that plunge.

Okay.

Okay, we are now officially sharing our music.

All right.

It's happening.

[Computer chimes]

[Sighs]

Hm.

Ooh!

Kate Hudson?

That's, uh, Katy Perry's real name. She put out a gospel album before she became famous. And I am now realizing the pitfalls of sharing our music here.

[Stu vocalizes]

I whipped up some fondue. Hope that's cool.

[Sighs] Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hi.

Why can I smell fish?

I would have made a really nice tilapia, but you don't have lemon.

Andrew: You have three Katy Perry bootlegs.

No, that's still you library.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Zelda.

Quick word.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What the hell is Stuart doing here?

Oh, I thought you guys were over your...Thing.

Oh, if by "thing," you mean him tricking me into bed, then no.

I will never be comfortable while he still has that hanging over me.

Every time I look at him, I just picture him snoring that night like a fattened aardvark.

[Snoring]

[Muttering]

I have got to find a way to not let him get to me.

It's really weird to be in your bedroom with my clothes on.

Look at this.

"Stephanie Hildegard Bennett is hereby certified by the national psychic council"?

I'm torn because I want to make fun of the name Hildegard, but...

Stu, you shouldn't go snooping through other people's things.

I was investigating.

You're making it worse.

Hi. I'm Zelda Vasco, age 16.

Get ready, music industry.

What did I just find?

'Cause this is my demo.

No. No, no, no.

No, Andrew, don't listen to that!

- I want to hear it!

One, two, three, and...

I got it. W-we're all good. Everything's good.

Well, now I have three things to mock.

[Chuckles]

I better fuel up.

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for seven months, two weeks, two days, and one hour.

This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship...

From A to Z.

These monthly open bars are great for the employees' morale and productivity.

Really lets them know you care.

Your tie looks like it was crapped out by an elephant.

I need a drink.

Sometimes I hate being a lawyer.

We had this fracking company totally b*at today, and then they skate by on a technicality.

There goes seven years of hard work for nothing.

[Sighs]

Maybe you should express your frustration in song.

[Chuckles] See?

That's why I was on the fence about the sharing thing.

[Laughs]

Look, there are certain parts of my life that I like to keep private.

I was kidding. I'm sorry. I think it's cool.

Surely you must have a period of time in your life that you look back on and shiver in embarrassment.

Yeah... my first kiss, Amy Ritmiller.

Did it in front of her parents.

Spicy.

Well, for me, it was when I wanted to become a singer, which spanned the first 15 years of my life, but then I grew up and I got it together, and I would really appreciate it if you never mentioned it again and if you never played that song again.

Hey, I really want to hear that song.

Ow! Ow!

Geez! You pinch like a dude.

Please do me.

Psychically, I mean.

Unless you're into the other way.

Then, uh, Chablis? [Chuckles]

No.

And listen, I'm not a practicing psychic.

It's just a gift I discovered when I was younger.

Come on.

Come on. Just give me one reading?

Please? Just give me one?

No, I, um... I just can't.

I'm not gonna stop pestering you until you do it.

Stephie! Give me a reading, Stephie!

O-o-okay. Okay. [Laughs]

Put your hands out and shut your eyes.

Okay.

Why are your hands wet?

'Cause my butt is sweaty.

Wow.

Okay, just give me your arm. I'll read your arm.

Okay.

Uh...

I'm seeing... The color yellow.

[Snickers]

And I see... A freckled girl who's gonna have a big impact on your life, and...

And the word "Geronimo."

Wow.

Watching you do that was, like, way lamer than I expected.

[Chuckles]

Good night, Stuart.

Good night, Stephie.

Geronimo.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hi, Lydia. I got you a coffee.

Great seeing you, Lydia!

Thank you?

Yeah.

[Telephone ringing]

Howard.

People are being oddly nice to me.

They're trying to k*ll me, aren't they?

[Gasps] Take a sip of this.

I think it's just a reaction to your behavior last night.

You don't remember, do you?

Of course not. I had nine double Rob Roys.

What the hell happened?

Well...

I absolutely love your dress.

I appreciate you guys so much.

Ah! We should do this more often.

So I was being nice?

Yeah, and people loved it.

I am never drinking again for as long as I live!

In fact... oh, my gosh. I think I'm going to be sick.

Quick... Give me your shoes.

No, there's a trash can right over here.

Oh, Howard, please! Just give them to me!

Oh, God.

Wow.

I had no idea Zelda was a singer.

She's pretty amazing.

I know, right?

Wait a minute. How did you hear it?

Oh, you shared your entire music library with the office's network.

No! No, no! Crap!

Yes.

No, no. No. No. I need to make this private.

That's... okay.

Zelda didn't want anybody to hear it.

Whew! [Chuckles]

I almost opened Pandora's box.

[Chuckles] You know, that makes no sense because, um, you're using iTunes, not Pandora.

I know. I was just... I was making a joke.

Also, it's not opening a box. It's just checking a box.

You just have to check the box.

Dinesh, I-I get that, man.

'Cause Pandora is a streaming service, and iTunes is a local base, and that's how it's...

Dinesh, okay, I get it. I get it.

It was... it was a joke.

Thank God I fixed that in time. [Chuckles]

Narrator: He hadn't.

Zelda's song had already been listened to by 11 Wallflower employees, including Silent Arnold, who secretly ripped every song...

Minus the Kate Hudson album.

Silent Arnold shares his library with the entire office park, which is how it was heard by...

Cool song, Zelda. I had no idea.

Hey. There's the rock star.

Yes! [Chuckles]

I am so sorry.

Somebody must have yanked it from my computer...

A-a-and I had nothing to do with...

Andrew, everyone in my office is listening to my music and liking it.

That's...Good?

No. No, no, no. This is a disaster.

Because now I'm realizing that...

I wasn't being delusional thinking I could be a singer all these years.

I-I don't follow.

[Gasps]

What if I've wasted my life being a lawyer?

Oh, boy.

What if I've wasted my life?

Hey, you know what would make you feel better?

How about we get some Sushi from that place across the street?

That won't fill the empty void in me.

Might for a few hours.

People think I'm good. They're sharing my music.

What if I missed out on my true calling in life?

Come on. Don't b*at yourself up.

It's not like there was some specific moment where you had a clear chance and then you threw it away.

I had an audition to the Berkeley college of music, and I blew it off.

That's really specific.

It just didn't seem like a responsible life because I'd seen my mom try to become the next Carole king,

and that just wasn't pretty.

So I went the more practical route, and look at me now.

My life is an ashcan.

Your life is not an...

Th... you're having a bad day.

The fracking thing has got you down.

And then you shared my song with everyone.

Well, not everyone.

I don't think you understand how sharing works.

Your job...

My job has already been exposed for the pointless sham that it truly is.

You love your job!

You love all of this! Look at this!

Look at... Look at these books.

These books are... are filled with...

With exciting cases and dramatic reversals.

Those are decorative. You're holding a speaker.

Really?

Oh.

Andrew, I get what you're saying.

I'm gonna be fine. You're right.

Let's go eat some dead fish.

I bet you they had dreams once, too.

She said she was okay, but I don't think she was.

She was talking about what-ifs and regrets.

What-ifs go away, right?

Mm. Once they're out, they can never be taken back.

Like that song you shared with the world.

I shared it with the office.

Ah, the Russian torrent sites have it now.

I don't think you understand how sharing works.

I agree.

Why did you tell Zelda about Geronimo?

What?

You told Zelda. Zelda told Stephie.

Now Stephie's using it to pretend to be some kind of psychic at me.

I don't know what a Geronimo is.

[Ding!]

Narrator: He didn't.

Geronimo is the name Stu gave to his 1950 Indian chief blackhawk motorcycle gifted to him by his rich, absentee father on his 11th birthday.

He crashed it into a cow on his first ride...

[Tires screech, cow lows]

Totaling both.

That was a secret, and you never should have shared it.

Secrets are wrong. Sharing is right.

As a member of the open-source coding community, we believe that information should be free. It should be...

Nobody knows what you're talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't know what I'm talking about?

You don't. That's right.

Mm. I never told anybody about Geronimo.

Okay.

Thank you so much for keeping a secret that I didn't tell you.

You're welcome, buddy.

You know what?

This whole thing is silly.

She just took a sh*t in the dark about Geronimo, and she just happened to be right.

That's it. [Chuckles]

Oh, my God. Stu, are you...

Is there yellow paint on your back?

Yellow paint?

How did she know?

[Cellphone rings]

Stephie? Hey, Andrew.

Are you the one responsible for making Zelda second-guess her decision to become a lawyer?

Not directly. Why?

She's just responded to a company-wide e-mail regarding the fracking case, "not my problem, turds."

Oh.

Wow.

Uh... Uh, okay.

I have a plan.

What is this song, and why is everyone sharing it with me?

Do they think we're friends?

You are friends... On Facebook.

Since when?

Since you got really drunk and you friended every employee here. You've even gotten a couple pokes.

Pokes?

Ugh! I will cut them!

Is there a "cut them" button?

Oh, Howard, why couldn't I be a violent or a mean drunk?

I just don't understand why being nice is such a problem.

Because it's not who I am. It would take too much effort. Why go to all the trouble?

Well, for one thing, productivity is way up. People came in early today. They're focused. I mean, look at her. She's positively jaunty. Usually a handful of people call in sick, when, actually, they just really hate their job.

Is that why you were absent over 50 days last year?

No, I had a liver transplant last year.

Thank you very much.

I told you about it many times.

Yes, and I forgot because I'm a "bad person." [Sighs] But I'm willing to act like a good one if it will help the company's bottom line.

[Sighs]

How do I do that?

Treat people better.

[Gasps]

Or I could drink 24/7.

No, I can't support that, especially in light of what happened to my liver.

Go get me that unopened bottle of Glen-whatever that you keep in your desk.

No, no, because I keep that as a symbol of my victory...

Now, Howard!

Okay!

Okay! Geez!

My gosh, that was a short break.

But you don't think it's a publicity thing?

No, not at all.

I think... I think that there's a type of love that...

Hey!

Hi!

Hey, this is an odd choice for lunch.

I thought that the bar in this hotel was a hooker hangout.

Well, they come for the hookers, but they stay for the crab cakes.

Right this way, please.

I would have never agreed to this if I knew Stuart was gonna be here.

I know. He... he... he insisted.

Zelda, namaste. You look great.

Stephie, you were right about the color yellow and Geronimo.

Will you please tell me about the life-changing freckled girl?

I mean, I can't even...

Right this way.

You can't even begin to describe how big her breasts are?

Oh, wow.

Oh, it says that the bar is this way.

Oh, taking a shortcut.

All right.

[Crying] That was my worst audition ever!

[Scoffs] What is going on here?

An audition for what?

No.

Andrew, you didn't.

Name?

Zelda Vasco, who is going to absolutely k*ll it.

Isn't that right, Zelda?

I told you this was a bad idea.

Stu: Couldn't you have predicted this?

I did. I just told him it was a bad idea.

Oh, you did. Yeah.

Zelda, wait.

Andrew, this is very sweet, but you shared my song when I asked you not to, and now your fix is to get me into music school?

I-I doubled down. I know.

But when I sent in your song, they got back to me right away, which is a great sign because I also sent in my rendition of "Roar," and they didn't even mention it.

[Chuckles] What did you think was gonna happen?

I don't know.

They could have given me a "good job" or, like, a "nice falsetto."

No... for me.

I audition here, and then what?

So you take classes at night.

Y-you can sing and be a lawyer, like Ally Mcbeal.

Oh, that show had a very unrealistic tone.

And I can't go in there 'cause I don't have a song prepared and I can't breathe in this suit and I might return it, which is why I still have the tag attached.

- I understand, but it's natural...

No, you don't understand.

I didn't blow that audition off because I felt like I needed to grow up or because I felt like I didn't want to turn into my mother.

I was scared of failing.

That's it.

I chickened out.

So this is your second chance.

Think about it...

If you put your fears aside and you just... Just go in there, you'll never have to ask "what if?" Again.

I want to go home.

Wait, wait, wait. You got to give me something on this freckled girl.

I said no.

Please. I'm a wreck.

I only got 10 hours of sleep last night.

I skipped three hip-hop dance classes.

I'm sorry I was dismissive. I disrespected you.

You may have a gift.

So please maybe help me...

'Cause maybe I need it?

Fine.

Thank you.

Now enter my mind hole.

Okay.

Oh, I feel it. Oh, it's so deep.

You guys are doing amazing work!

I've got the best team in the business!

And we have got the best boss ever.

[Cheers and applause]

Aww.

Dynamite haircut, Arnold.

Howard, I have discovered the secret to a better workplace, and it is me being sloshed.

Are you sure it's the alcohol?

Of course. Why else would I be acting this way?

Or...

Doing this funky dance?

Ye-ah.

Mm! Mm-mm! Mm! Mm! [Exhaling rhythmically]

There was no booze in those drinks I made you.

Say what, now?

There was no "long island" in your long island iced tea.

Which means that, deep down, you're a very kind person.

Really?

Would a very kind person do this?

A very kind person who is pretending not to be kind would.

Ah, well, would a very kind person who was pretending not to be kind do this?

Do what you want, Lydia, but I know the kind of person that you really are.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God! My head!

Howard, what the hell?! You were supposed to duck!

Aaah! It hurts so bad!

Are you okay? I am so sorry.

[Sighs]

See? Kind person.

Get the hell out of my office.

Okay.

[Sighs]

[Horns honking in distance]

[Rock music plays on radio]

[Sighs]

This traffic, huh?

Like the Lakers are playing the Dodgers.

[Chuckles]

I don't really feel like talking right now.

[Song ends]

Okay.

[Piano playing]

Zelda: ♪ sometimes... ♪

[Radio turns off]

Sorry. My phone is linked up to my stereo, so...

It says you played it 53 times?

That's not weird.

I listened to "Call Me Maybe" almost the same amount.

Which isn't weird, either.

I won't play it again.

I shouldn't have listened to it in the first place.

And...

I'm sorry.

I just really love hearing you sing.

Turn the car around.

Really?

Yeah. Turn the car around.

It might... Might take a minute.

That's fine.

[Cellphone buzzing]

[Clears throat]

Stuart, I can't tell you anything more about the freckled girl.

I just saw the name Greta. Now leave me alone.

Stu: No, no, no, no, no, no.

I realized Greta had to be Greta billings, this freckled girl I had a crush on in the third grade.

You know, I'm not really like a what-if kind of guy, but you said she's so life-changing, so I figured maybe this all means I should have been with her this whole time?

Well, maybe you should track her down.

I already have.

She lives in Glendale, but she's got a husband and four kids.

What should I do?

I'm not attracted to her at all, but should I break up the marriage anyway?

No, I-I think you should go home.

What?

Go home. It was all fake.

How did you...

I watch you from the window in my office sitting on the same yellow bench, drinking coffee every day.

I simply got there before you and removed the "wet paint" sign.

Okay, well, what about Greta?

You told Andrew, Andrew told Zelda, and Zelda told me.

Come on.

O-okay, well, what about Geronimo.

[Snoring]

Geronimo.

Geronimo, I love you.

Ah.

You tricked me into bed. I tricked you into Glendale.

The fattened aardvark is a distant memory.

What?

It means we can hang out now, St...

We're even.

No way.

[Laughs]

Andrew: Hey, Stu?

I need your input, buddy.

Yeah, go, baby.

So, I'm proud of Zelda. She... she did the audition.

But now I'm wondering if I made a mistake.

I mean, if... if she gets in, it might confirm her worst fears,

and... And if she doesn't get in, her hopes and dreams are... are dashed forever.

I hear you, man.

You know, the past is the past. That's why they call it that.

But you got to keep moving forward.

[Chuckling] But not too fast.

Wow. That's really deep.

Yeah.

I just k*lled a moose.

[Sirens wailing]

Stu?

Uh-oh. Po-po's coming.

All right, I'll see you at the office.

Thank you.

Hey. I got your text. What's up?

The conservatory called.

They left a message.

Wha... and?

I haven't listened to it yet.

[Chuckling] What? Why?

Well... When I walked through those doors into that audition, I was so nervous, but then I realized that it... It doesn't matter what happens because I have a great life, and if I had done anything differently, I wouldn't have my great job and my friends, and I wouldn't have... You.

So that's why I didn't listen to the message.

Because you don't care if you got in or not?

Oh, no. I'm dying to know. Please. But I thought that maybe we could... Share the moment.

[Inhales deeply]

♪ Snow is cold ♪
♪ rain is wet ♪
♪ chills my soul right to the marrow ♪
♪ I won't be happy till I see you ♪
♪ alone again, till I'm... ♪
♪ Till I'm home again,feelin' right ♪
♪ home again, feelin' right ♪
♪ I want to be home again ♪
♪ feelin' right ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Whoo!

Yeah!

Boo!

Not buying it.