01x06 - Bruges Me

[bunniefuu]

♪ If I were a rich man, yidle-deedle-deedle-yidle ♪
♪ Deedle-deedle-deedle-dum ♪

Oh, Annie, you were so adorable.

Totally.

♪ I wouldn't have to work hard ♪

Hey, not to crap all over this, but why the hell are we watching all this crap?

Oh, we have our first meeting with our wedding officiant and she made the critical mistake of telling Annie that she wants to get to know us.

And to know me is to know my entire body of work, warts and all.

Which, coincidentally, is the name of a musical I wrote about a frog named warts and a princess named all.

I am prepared to start from the top. Or I could just do memory from cats.

♪ Mm... ♪

Oh, no, babe, babe, babe. I love you, but I'm also sometimes ashamed of you.

Annie banannie, I thought you said you never did school musicals when you were little because of your crippling stage fright.

I didn't. That's actually my backyard. My dads built me a little stage so I could get up my confidence, and I did my own costumin' and my lightin' and my own make-upin'um.

Oh, no, she's gone full muh-mush muh-mouth.

Just to clarify, you chose Fiddle and the role of Tevye?

♪ It's in my range ♪
♪ And so it is ♪
♪ The harmony is here ♪

[off-key] ♪ trying and failing to find the note ♪

Eh, nah.

Well, one thing that never hits a sour note...

♪ waffles ♪

In auuu-totune.

Yum. Mommy like.

Oh, well, then baby's got a hot steaming load for ya.

Ew.

That came out wrong.

Point is I got a bunch of those.

I'm making a ton for this year's Flemish pride parade.

Back up, buttercup. There is a Flemish pride parade?

Well, it's really more of a small, tiny gathering of really pasty, weird people eating things that no one else would think to pickle.

Hmm. Okay, no one's laughing.

So this isn't one of those jokes that I don't get.

Yeah, no, it's not a joke. This is very important to me. This is my heritage. I am 120% Flemish.

120?

We had a little bit of inbreeding going on.

Why are you proud of that?

Well, It's nice to have a family that gets along.

Really nice memories, Gil.

Speaking of memory... oh, those aren't memories. Those are more just facts.

I can take a hint.

♪ Memories! ♪

I'm out.

♪ All alone in the moonlight ♪
♪ I can smile at the old days ♪
♪ I was beautiful then ♪
♪ Touch me ♪

Both: ♪ it's so easy to leave me ♪
♪ All alone with the memory ♪
♪ Of my days in the sun ♪

[whistling]

♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Can't hold me back ♪

So here are my tapes. You know, watch them in your own time. Just be careful, they are originals. You know, don't leave them near any large magnets. You don't own any large magnets, do you?

No.

Medium-sized? 'Cause I'll tell you, sometimes even a medium-sized magnet can...

Why don't we put a pin in these for right now?

Sure.

I wanted to discuss these questionnaires you two filled out.

Oh, great.

You both rate family as a top priority.

All right.

And while Annie knows a lot about Jake’s mother...

Her safety school is bard, her pedicure color is ballet slippers, and she agrees with everything Rachel Maddow has to say, but wishes she would tone it down.

Nailed it.

Uh, Jake, you answered the question, "what would Annie’s family's ideal ceremony be?"

With "good question."

Yeah, well, It was a good question.

Hm.

Can't a guy compliment someone on a question?

Well, in the rest of the section for Annie’s parents, you drew a picture of what I'm assuming is two men shopping for sweaters.

Well, you're assuming wrong, because they're shopping for sweater vests.

Well, you've got to work on your shading.

I'm sorry, you know what? You do make a good point.

I mean, Jake, you probably could make a little bit more of an effort to get to know my dads.

Are you kidding? What do you mean "effort"?

I mean, we already have a great relationship.

Here, check it out.

Look at this. Here.

Kevin sent me a picture of a cat dressed as a lion.

Right? I wrote back, "roar." and then he wrote back,

"in the future, please do not "reply all."

It's classic Kevin. Which Kevin?

Which Kevin wrote that?

The one. [chuckles]

Okay, to be fair, they coordinate their outfits, they finish each other's sentences, and they have the same first and middle name.

You know?

It just makes me sad that you don't have a relationship with my dads, and they're soon to be your dads too.

You're right. Good point.

And I am going to try to get to know them better.

I'm gonna make more of an effort.

Starting now. Watch this.

God bless social media.

Here we go. Apparently, Kevin loves the pixies, while Kevin loves pixies.

Oh, god, it's like they're trying to make it hard for me.

Oh, I hate this place.

I guess I'll try the 40-minute slow-scrambled eggs.

Apparently it's the same temperature as your body, so it's like eating yourself.

Ugh, who writes this menu?

Ooh, you have to try the pancakes.

You will be blown away by how terrible they are.

Awful.

Are you waiting for one more?

Both: Yes.

No.

Wait, what?

Oh, it's just the three of us.

Being not weird together.

Is Annie not coming? Is she okay?

Did somebody kidnap her? Can you not answer that question because the kidnapper's watching you right now with binoculars?

I'm sorry, Jake, Kevin just watched taken, taken 2,

And a really sad insurance commercial.

Though that last one was unrelated, but it really bummed me out.

I know.

But seriously, where the hell is Annie?

Well, she's home. Safe and sound.

You know, I just thought it would be nice for the three of us to be by ourselves for once, you know.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Both: Yeah.

♪ Dibby dibby dibby dum lord who made the lion ♪

Annie, where's Jake?

You have keys to our apartment?

Oh, never mind that.

Look, every year at this Flemish pride parade, I make waffles in my booth.

But this year Marge Flarnschnard called dibs on waffles.

And in the Flemish community, dibs is like sharia law.

I need Jake to help me come up with some new ideas.

Well, Jake is out with my dads, but maybe I could help you.

Step into my office.

Hm.

All right. Wow me.

Okay, what are some other things the Flemish are known for?

Well, we were one of the first people to cave to the Germans in world w*r I Before everybody was doing it in world w*r ii.

I'm not sure how that's gonna translate to a booth.

I just want to do something special.

Ever since my grandma d*ed, this parade is the thing that makes me feel closest to her.

That and getting my hair set.

I miss grandma Gil.

Wait, what about a song?

All great places have a song. New york, new york. I left my heart in San Francisco. I'm in Miami, bitch.

Music is the international language.

Or is it love? Or is it math?

I think it's mandarin.

Whatever it is, I am loving this idea.

We could write and perform it together.

No, you have all these years of theater experience, I have all this raw Flemish talent.

Together we could be whatever those two things add up to.

I don't know. I mean, It's been a while since I trod the boards.

Annie, yesterday, when we sang the entire second act of cats,

And then circled back around and did the entire show to completion, I kinda feel like we had "it."

Oh, my god! I felt like we had "it" too, but I didn't want to say anything because sometimes just talking about "it" can jinx "it."

Shh.

I had you at "it."

So, Kevin, what's up with those Lunesta commercials, you know?

Is that, like, a glowing moth or a fairy, or what is that?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Well, you love pixies, so I figured this would be in your wheelhouse.

Wrong Kevin.

I'm the one who loves pixies.

And it's a will-o'-the-wisp.

Will of the what?

Will you excuse me? I'm going to use the bathroom.

Wait, you never go in public places.

I'm making an exception.

What are you doing?

Let go.

Oh, hey, water. That's great.

Oh, no, no, no. Please don't go.

Just stay and talk to us for a little bit.

Why not?

You know, maybe give us a list of your specials three or four more times?

Yeah, I need to talk to you about anything.

Just start from the beginning.

I love that outfit.

Can you tell me about it? Where'd you buy it?

Tell us. Does it come with the job?

Where'd you get the outfit?

[engine purrs] ooh.

Sweet hog.

You like motorcycles?

Are you kidding me?

I like motorcycles more than I like making love to Annie’s dad.

[laughs] wow. That's... that's a lot.

I'm assuming.

Yeah.

I had a sweet triumph in college, man, ooh.

I used to twist the wick up and down the big slab.

Mm, mm, mm, yeah, I still have my brain bucket.

Sounds flimflam, my man.

I shoo-be-dooed myself.

Real flip flop-like.

That's what I would sound like to someone who didn't get our lingo.

That is so true.

It's like a squirrel trying to understand a wolf, you know.

They don't know why we howl at the moon.

[howls]

[howls]

Yeah, well, unfortunately, my chopper days are behind me.

You know what? You should get a new motorcycle.

You think?

Absolutely. Remember that feeling?

The freedom, the wind in your hair, your balls vibrating to the rhythm of the road?

That's too much information, isn't it?

No, no, no, I love rumble balls.

Kevin!

Hey, what'd I miss?

Oh, I was just talking to Kevin here, how he should get a new motorcycle, ri...

Mm-mm-mm.

What?

You mean a two-wheeled hearse?

No, I mean a motor... oh.

Kevin, have you been talking about two-wheeled hearses again?

Oh, I'm sorry, Kevin. I didn't realize that you were In control of what I can and cannot talk about.

I wasn't aware that you could so quickly turn into such a jerk.

So, where are you guys from originally... where is that?

Well, Kevin grew up in a selfish home with selfish people who do selfish things.

I'm from Richmond, Virginia.

More like a suburb outside of!

[gasps] Oh, no, don't go.

Oh, wow.

So they... you know, they say Virginia is for lovers.

Ugh!

You're gonna go as well.

Hey, babe. How'd it go with my dads?

Oh, awesome.

They're, uh... We're really getting to to know each other, you know? I mean, here is just one of 100 facts that I've learned.

Kevin is from Richmond, Virginia.

Well, a suburb outside of, but that's progress.

I'm so happy.

And in entertainment news, Gil and I are writing a song later, so I'm just learning all about splenderklauts.

Did not ask. Do not understand the answer.

Gosh, you are getting to know the two most important men in my life, and I am getting to know the most important man in your life.

[phone ringing]

Second only to Mr. T.

I still pity the fool.

Hello.

Hey, yeah.

It's my dad. And he wants to talk to you.

Wow, one brunch and you're already getting phone calls?

Get a room.

Hey, don't be jelly. Kev-Kev.

I cannot believe you, Jake.

How can you be so irresponsible? [laughs]

Because of you, Kevin will not shut up about getting a two-wheeled hearse.

Uh, what's that?

Oh, you want to get a gift for Annie?

Yeah, I'd gladly be in cahoots with you.

Just let me go in the other room.

Do you know what we used to call those in the emergency room? Which was right next door to my first stationery store?

Well, if I had to take a guess, I would say "two-wheeled..." donorcycles.

Oh.

You get it?

I do get it.

Do you get it, Jake?

Because they all d*ed.

Okay, Kevin, I'm so sorry.

I see your point, and I will talk to Kevin.

I promise. I'm sorry.

That would be great.

For a minute there, I felt like I didn't know who you were.

And now I do. You're Jake.

Oh, that's...

Good, right?

No, no, no, no.

Um... Mm... Mm... Mm...

Okay, what about something like...

♪ Flemish splenderkraut ♪
♪ You make me feel all vriendelijk ♪
♪ Vriendelijk, vriendel-lee, lee, lee ♪

No! God, no!

That is just garbage.

I'm so frustrated!

I can't believe this is our Saturday.

This is what happens when we don't make a plan.

[crowd commotion]

What are we watching?

Oh, it's a popular Flemish sport. Loosely translated, it's called log soccer. You basically just throw trees. They used to throw Jews, but... You know.

Okay, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, what else? What else Flemish?

Uh, uh, uh, okay, all right, well, we are famous for our chocolate.

Okay.

And our frites.

Yes.

So what if we did something like...

[taps pencil rhythmically]

♪ Frites and chocolate ♪
♪ Frites, frites and chocolate ♪
♪ Chocolate treats and frosting... ♪

Stop! Pass, that is horrible.

Okay, I was thinking something more like...

♪ jimmy cracked corn and I don't carr-bean ♪

I mean, does it have to be about the Flemish region?

Yes. That's the whole point.

I knew it. Working with friends never ends well.

Look at Lennon and McCartney.

Ugh, I know. Sean and Stella never should have collaborated on that sports drink.

Maybe the real problem here is you don't have "it."

[gasps] oh, I have it!

No, you don't.

Thought you did, but you were probably just getting a contact "it" off of me!

Well, jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care!

[door slams]

Wait, is that something?

I feel like I just wrote a song.

No, girl, you didn't.

Hey, Kev, my man.

I just came by to hang, but you weren't here, so I dropped off some alarming literature on motorcycle decapitations in your mailbox.

[howling]

Oh, no.

Kevin, you gone done and did it.

I'm a wolf!

Check out my sweet new motorcycle.

Motorcycle? That's a ve...

Very special motorcycle.

I owe it all to you, Jake.

That talk we had this morning really made me feel like a man again.

Say, can I hide this at your place?

'Cause Kevin will k*ll me if he found it.

Oh, my sweet lord, you actually went and did it?

You bought a motorcycle?

Motorcycle? You too?

This is so stupid and selfish, Kevin.

Jake agrees. You tell him.

No, no, Jake agrees with me,

'cause we run in the same pack.

We're a pack of wolves, and we howl.

Howl with me, Jake.

[laughs]

You agree with him?

Wait, you're on his side?

No, come on, guys.

I see where Kevin’s coming from, and I also see where Kevin’s Coming from, because I know you both so well, you know, because we're bonding.

I cannot believe that you'd be willing to commit to a death machine, but you're not willing to commit to me.

Oh, here we go again.

Yeah, here we go again.

Wait, where are we going?

I don't wanna go. Let's stay here.

Hang out, be cool, chill.

We agreed that the marriage thing was off the table for now.

Yeah, we also agreed that the motorcycle thing was off the table, and you just tore in here on a hog from hell.

Scooter! Come on, if it makes you feel any better, It's a scooter.

You know what, Kevin Marie?

I'm gone.

Good.

Go.

[engine revving]

Watch it, lady!

Hey.

You look great.

Hello, der hondsdolheid.

That's Flemish for "rabies."

If I knew the word for "non-song helper," I would use that.

Gil, the only language I speak is guac.

And this means "I'm sorry."

Guac?

My favorite vegetable.

Come in.

Look, to be honest, I was just getting stressed at the thought of performing.

I was feeling these twinges of stage fright.

I... you gonna get chips with that?

Mm?

The point is I was rude.

Well, for what it's worth, I had a rude attitude also.

Friends?

Of course.

Wait, rude attitude? Rude attitude?

Yeah, I just said I had a rude attitude.

You're gonna throw it right back in my face?

[laughs] classic Annie!

No, Gil, wait, don't you see?

I'm feeling "it" again.

What was the name of that weird city?

Milwaukee.

No, the Flemish one that starts with a "B." Bruges?

Are you familiar with that classic Patti Labelle song New attitude?

I think so, but gimme a little taste.

♪ I'm feeling good from my head to my shoes ♪
♪ Know where I'm going and I know what to do ♪

Both: ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I got a new attitude ♪
♪ I got a bruges attitude ♪
♪ I got a bruges attituges ♪

Oh, my god, let's go!

Yes!

I was just trying to get to know Annie’s dads, and now I feel like I've broken the unbreakable relationship.

What happened?

Well, Kevin screamed at Kevin because Kevin won't commit to Kevin.

Oh, god, this whole name thing is just... you know, I wish we were just allowed to say "white Kevin"

And "black Kevin." are we?

No.

Racism.

Thing is, gay marriage being legal has actually put a lot of pressure on couples.

But on the bright side, it has been a boon for those of us on the rebound Janey Diddle business.

I mean, they've been together 35 years.

What's the big deal?

Why doesn't Kevin want to get married?

Well, it doesn't matter how long you've been together, you know, taking that next step can be terrifying.

[gasps] oh, holy crap!

Okay. Kevin's afraid to get married.

That's what this is about.

I can solve this.

I was Kevin. That was me.

Oh, yes, finally something in my wheelhouse.

Ha ha ha!

"Janey Diddle business"?

"Janey" means "vag*na," and business is a-boomin'.

Soak it in, Annie.

Are you ready for this?

Absolutely.

Wow, there's a few more people here than I was expecting.

Are you kidding?

This is more of a sidewalk nuisance than a parade.

Anybody else's mouth feel really dry and their palms, like, super sweaty?

Think it's all these bright lights.

That's the sun.

Okay, you're feeling a little stage fright.

No bigs. Just remember: The hopes and dreams of an entire region rest with you.

Gil, I'm totally fine.

Just give me one second.

I'm never coming out.

There's my guy.

Wow, Jake.

How'd you find me?

Well, what can I say?

I got a little private d*ck in me.

Hey, aren't you afraid you're gonna get b*at up in this place?

No, they're all gay.

Really? Wow.

There's tons of crossover between bikers and gay dudes.

Some gay men are scared that a motorcycle will make them seem too gay.

Just like some gay men are afraid of getting married.

"Some gay men" is you, Kevin.

Yeah, I understand your meaning, Jake.

But yes, I-I guess I'm scared.

Oh, yes! I knew it!

I love it. I was right.

[laughs] I know you so well.

I'm so happy right now.

But I'm also very sad that you guys are going through what you're going through.

Why should we change something that has worked perfectly for the past 35 years?

Listen, man, I get it.

Okay? I was you.

Everything was perfect with me and Annie.

And I was worried if I proposed it would ruin everything.

So you're saying that I'm putting Kevin Through the same hell you put Annie through.

Well, today's more about your story.

But I mean, you were such a d*ck.

Okay, sticks and stones, buddy.

Believe me, I'm not happy about this.

I hate letting Kevin down.

So don't. You love him, right?

Yeah, more than anything.

You really don't things will change?

Look, man, if they do, it's only gonna be for the better.

Personally, it was the best decision I've ever made.

Mm.

That and my new part.

You know, I switched sides.

Yeah, I know, I've been tracking that.

It's way better.

Oh, yeah? You noticed?

Thanks, Jake.

Let's go find my man.

To the pride parade.

There's a pride parade today?

Uh, Flemish.

Oh.

Baby? Daddy's here now, okay?

So you can do it.

Just take a deep breath.

Trust me, If you were in here, you would not be recommending that.

Gotta say, doesn't smell great out here either.

White Kevin! [beeping]

People of Flem!

I have something to say!

What's happening?

Kevin, I'm sorry.

I've been stupid.

You have.

You know, everything has been perfect between us.

I guess I was just scared that I would ruin it.

But Jake said some things that made sense.

Jake? My Jake?

Uh, Annie, talking from the terlet?

More of a home thing, babe.

Kevin, what are you saying?

I'm saying that you are the love of my life.

What's happening now? Are they smiling?

Are they gonna kiss?

Honey, kind of ruining the moment for daddy.

This is the point where I would get on one knee, but the runoff from this porta potty's potent.

And those are my pants.

Yeah.

Wait, I'm not gonna let this stage fright ruin this moment.

Start again from the beginning.

Kevin Marie...

Will you marry me?

Yes. Yes, a thousand times, yes.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my dads are getting married, yay!

Get in here, Jake.

Oh.

Did you somehow have something to do with this?

Well, when you know two people as well as I do, you can create these magic moments.

Oh, you guys!

Aww.

It's so great, guys!

[murmuring and cooing]

Annie, are you sure you can handle this?

Because I can do this alone.

I'm sure.

If my dad can get over his fear of getting married, I can get over a little stage fright.

Thank god, because I cannot do this alone.

Gonna be great.

I would like to dedicate this song to my two dads.

My favorite show of all time.

[whimsical chords]

Hey-oh!

And also to the Kevins. You are the best parents a girl could hope for, congrats. I love you. And also to Jake.

One love.

Who knows the crap outta you.

Hit it, Gil!

[playing new attitude by Patti Labelle]

One, two, three, four...

Yeah!

All: Whoo!

Encore!