03x22 - Yuletide Fortune Tellers

[bunniefuu]

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la. ♪
♪ Tis the season to be jolly, ♪
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la. ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel, ♪
♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la. ♪

Seriously?

With the Christmas carols? You have been singing them non stop since Black Friday.

I'm two seconds away from earplugs.

It gets me in the spirit.

Besides, you have an art studio right out there.

It's freezing out there.

Maybe Santa will bring me a space heater.

If you're through being a grinch, would you mind... shell these for me?

It's peanut brittle time.

You know you can buy them shelled.

No, no, no. They have to be fresh.

It makes a difference.

Don't we have enough with the 11 other kinds of cookies you're making?

Okay, I know that I go a little big at Christmas, but it's the first time since we've known Daphne and Regina that they're staying with us for the holidays, so.

Yeah, usually they're smart enough to get the hell out of dodge.

Shell.

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la. ♪

<i>It's not too late to change our plans,</i> hit the road like we usually do.

World's largest ball of twine is only 200 miles away.

I definitely want to see that one day, but it's Christmas. I want to be with the Kennishes too.

I like the way we do Christmas... wake up late, open gifts, sneak Chinese food into an empty movie theater.

Just promise you'll be nice at dinner.

Where are we going?

Sal's.

Sal's with the garlic knots?

I thought that place closed down.

They just reopened.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Oh, wow!

(Giggles)

<i>(Music playing faintly)</i>

Thank you. Oh, I don't know if you got my email, but we do dinner at 5:00 on the 24th.

And then after dinner, John reads "The Night Before Christmas" and then we open presents.

Presents on Christmas Eve?

Just one. The rest in the morning.

We start at 8:00.

A.M.?

Sounds great. Right, mom?

After we open the presents, around 11:00...

It takes three hours to open presents?

We don't usually put that much emphasis on gifts.

Number 62!

Still got your picture on the wall 'round here somewhere.

Hey, Sal. So glad you reopened, buddy!

How's everything? Can I get you anything else?

All: More garlic knots!

Those things are magic. I can't get enough.

Daphne and I have a few traditions of our own.

We like to go to a movie on Christmas, sneak in some Chinese take-out.

Now that sounds like fun. I'm in!

Wait. That's when we do Kennish karaoke.

<i>You know, in the afternoon.</i>

Maybe we could do a movie on the 26th.

Daphne can't really do karaoke...

It's okay. I don't mind.

... And I hate to sing, so I think maybe we're out.

Mom, it's okay to shake things up a little bit.

I don't think it's too much to ask to take a break for a few hours from your schedule.

<i>Kathryn: That's when the neighbors do the cookie exchange.

Regina: So exchange the cookies another time.

Okay, you guys were the ones who wanted to join us...</i> for the holidays.

It's the way we've always done things.

I have to go to the ladies' room.

Regina...

I don't get it. What does Chinese food have to do with Christmas?

<i>Bay: Come on, mom. What is with you?</i>

You're like a cruise director on the boat to Christmas hell.

It's one Christmas. And then we can go back to doing it your way.

My way? It's our way.

I've always wanted to have the kind of Christmas that you see in the movies.

Why can't we have that just one time?

You know what?

You can.

Have a good time with the Kennishes.

Mom!

Well, that was a disaster.

Tell me about it.

One last garlic knot.

You girls want it?

Split it?

Thanks.

You have to admit, life would be a lot easier if we had never been switched.

I was just thinking the same thing.

Toby's right, these are magic.

<i>(Music playing)

♪ I love the way ♪
♪ you keep me warm ♪
♪ I hope you know ♪
♪ at half past 12 ♪
♪ meet me under... ♪</i>

(Unaccented) Hello?

Whoa.

<i>♪ I think you're sweet ♪</i>

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Where's the squirrel tree?

Everything's so different.

(Clock ticking softly)

(Dishwasher whirring)

Kathryn: Well, the day after Christmas is the second-busiest shopping day of the year.

<i>Annie can take a vacation then.</i>

Yes. Call me back.

Are you okay?

You're not gonna believe this, but...

I can hear.

Hear what?

And what are you doing with your hands?

Signing.

Oh. Good for you.

I have to go.

No, no, please don't leave.

I'm kind of freaking out here.

I'm sorry. I have a meeting. Oh, and Bay, <i>there's only yogurt in the fridge.</i>

Your father hasn't gone shopping.

"Bay?"

(Silent)

<i>John: You're late.</i>

John.

I may be your coach, but you can still refer to me as "dad."

Okay, look, we... we talked about this.

We're not letting up over the holidays.

You've got to run three miles on the river trail.

After that, drills the rest of the morning.

Olympic trials are in two weeks, okay?

That's what I'm talking about.

Future gold medalists cannot afford to take a day off.

Let's go.

I'll go get ready.

Where are you going?

The guesthouse.

You mean your mom's office?

Wait, if that's Kathryn's office, then where's Regina?

Who the hell is Regina? Come on, let's go.

(Music playing loudly)

Hello?

Hey!Oh, hi!

Why are you playing it so loud?

(Loudly) Because I can't hear anything.

And that wouldn't bother you unless...

I can.

How did you know where to find me?

Well, this is the house I grew up in.

I think that you're me.

Regina called me Daphne.

Kathryn called me Bay.

We've switched places?

But wait. Then wouldn't you be in the guesthouse right now?

You're right.

If I'm in East Riverside, that means...

The switch never happened.

I can't believe my mom had another kid.

Awesome room.

Face me, please. I can't read your lips.

Sorry. Your signing is amazing, by the way.

It is.

I guess I'm the one who got meningitis when I was three.

Hm... oh!

Try those. They should help a little.

Ah!

How do I sound? Do I have an accent?

No. You must've had a lot of speech therapy.

Ah. Huh.

How do you like being deaf?

How do you like being hearing?

I had no idea that refrigerators made noise.

And Kathryn's voice? (Sighs)

It's not at all what I expected.

The whole thing's a little jarring.

Ditto.

How's my mom?

Well, she owns her own hair salon.

How are my parents?

Well...

Kathryn is a face cream mogul and John is a stay-at-home soccer dad.

So...

What's the deal? I mean, do we go with this?

Or should we tell someone?

Maybe see a doctor? I don't know.

Well, the thing is apparently, I have a show at the Templeton gallery.

Good for you.

I'm an Olympic hopeful.

This could be fun, right?

Absolutely.

Good workout?

Hey, you know, I was thinking maybe later we could do some Kennish karaoke.

We haven't done that in years.

Since when do you like to sing?

There's a first time for everything.

<i>Toby: Hello? Anybody home?</i>

Hey.

Whoa!

So how was your flight? How was Seattle?

Fine. Good.

Ah, look at that. You've got a new tattoo.

Well, I think it's great, but can you keep it covered up for the next few days until I find a way to tell your father?

I don't need John's approval for my ink or for anything else.

Can you not be like this?

<i>John!</i>

Start the clock, little sis.

'Cause mom's annual holiday guilt trip has got a 72-hour expiration date.

Hey, c'mon. What's the rush?

You took too many soccer balls to the head?

Even the brand-new guitar I know is under the tree can't hide John's thinly-veiled disappointment.

Come on. He's not that bad.

Well, I see you're still using your mom's beauty products.

It's good to see you too, John.

Bay, ready for some wind sprints?

She just worked out.

Yes, I'm aware of that, Kathryn.

Olympic medalists don't just work out once and sit on their butts the rest of the day. It's crunch time.

But then again, why am I explaining that to someone who works 90 hours a week?

Don't do that. Don't pit Bay against me.

<i>John: I'm not pitting her against anybody.

Kathryn: I have news for you: Bay may win a gold medal, but that does not change the fact</i> that you were one-and-out with the Royals.

Let me explain something to you.

I could've gone back to rehab, I could've gotten back out there.

But who would've taken care of the kids?

Someone needed to get a job, otherwise we'd be living on the streets.

You have no idea...

Do you think I like working this hard?

<i>You know I wanted to stay home with the kids and write books.

(John scoffs) Like that was ever gonna happen.</i>

I'll see you outside.

Ta-da!

Wow, you've really outdone yourself.

I have never been so focused.

Being deaf has its advantages.

Not exactly Christmas at Rockefeller Center.

Hey, it's scrappy, just like us.

What if we made our own tree?

Right here would be perfect.

On our living room wall?

Anybody can buy a tree, but who else has multi-colored branches and pointillist stars?

<i>(Cell phone buzzes)

Oh!</i>

Uh, could the festivities start in like an hour?

Emmett needs me for something.

Of course.

I can put on a coat of primer.

It'll be ready by the time you get back.

Awesome. Can't wait.

<i>(Music playing)

_</i>

Hey. What's up?

Can we go?

<i>♪ Just me and you ♪
♪ da-doo da-doo ♪
♪ let's make it Christmas Eve ♪
♪ for two ♪</i>

Okay. It's a little avant-garde, but I can get on board.

<i>(Angelo speaking French on video) Joyeux Noël, maman !</i>

Regarde comme elle est belle, Daphne. On dirait Franka.

Et le petit Angelo. Ah, il est plus petit maintenant, c'est fini.

Angelo, put the camera away.

The kids want to open their gifts.

<i>Angelo: Okay.

(Angelo speaks French) Je t'aime maman.</i>

Au revoir. Joyeux Noël.

<i>Au revoir.</i>

One, two, three... the winner!

(Laughing)

Hey.

What the hell? You let her drink?

I wasn't here. I was with Emmett.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know about this.

I'll get some paint out of the garage.

We'll cover it up so she's not embarrassed in the morning.

<i>Bay: This is unbelievable.</i>

Apparently the only time Emmett and I have been naked together, rubber duckies were involved.

Ok, I'm telling you, J and J are about 10 minutes away from a very conscious uncoupling.

There's one more thing: Regina's drinking.

Oh no.

Again?

I don't think she ever stopped.

Think about it.

She got sober after she found out about the switch.

If that never happened?

What is happening there?

'Sup? I'm Tobias.

What's with the hand stuff?

This is my friend Daphne.

She's deaf.

Whoa. You... you don't hear anything?

That's... that's profound.

Well, I'm gonna hit up the Goodwill, see what they got on vinyl.

Oh, that was weird.

We've got to get out of this as soon as possible.

What do they do in the movies?

We need to, like, split a fortune cookie or snap a wishbone or something.

The garlic knots!

Huh?

From Sal's!

Don't you remember? You and I were talking about how much easier life would be if the switch never happened.

And we split the garlic knot!

Toby said they were magic.

So we have to go back and do it again.

It's Christmas Eve.

He's probably closed.

I have an idea.

This was your great idea?

I was sure they would have some old garlic knots in here.

Why don't we just wait for Sal's to reopen after Christmas?

I think it'll be too late.

A Christmas miracle in January?

If it's a Christmas miracle that undid the switch, then we need to recreate the moment... like, get our families together again and wish it back.

Really wishing I'd watched more of those stupid movies with my mom.

<i>Man: Ho ho ho!</i>

Are you... ?

It's me. Sal. I dress up for the grandkids.

You girls lose something?

We ate some garlic knots the other night.

Now we've switched places.

Not exactly. We were switched before, and now we're not switched. Do you have any more?

Sorry. Gave all the leftovers to the homeless shelter.

And girls...

The knot's not your answer.

No, it is! It is!

Don't you have the recipe?

Maybe we could just make it ourselves.

I'm telling you...

Sal, please!

All right. Wait here.

This is perfect. We'll just make 'em ourselves.

But if you're right, and we only have one night to make this happen, how are we going to get our families together?

<i>Regina: Why on earth would I want to spend Christmas Eve</i> in snooty Mission Hills?

She's my new friend.

Who?

Bay Kennish.

She was nice enough to invite us over.

We have to go.

Wait, Kennish?

Any relation to John Kennish?

Yes! Yes! That's her dad.

You could meet him.

Isn't he the one who's married to...

Kathryn Kennish.

Of Kathryn Kennish Cosmetics.

She's a big deal in the beauty industry.

Who cares? Can we go?

It's a Buckner program.

Adopt a needy family for the holidays.

<i>Toby: I'm with mom. Things are awkward enough around here on Christmas Eve</i> without a bunch of strangers around.

Well, they're not exactly strangers.

Daphne's that friend of mine who's been teaching me sign language.

The one I met?

Yeah. Mom...

Every year you say you want to do more for charity, not just give money.

She's right, mom.

It's time the Kennishes start giving back.

Okay, fine. Have them here at 7:00.

<i>Hi! I'm so happy you guys could make it.</i>

They're here!

I'm...

Bay.

Nice to meet you.

This is my dad John, my mom Kathryn, and my brother Toby.

Mr. Kennish, it's an honor to meet you.

Angelo Sorrento, Jr.

Oh. Hey, Angelo. That's a great name.

I'm a huge fan, I've never met a professional athlete before.

Angelo, why don't you come with me?

I can show you a couple of things from my Royals' days you might appreciate.

It's nice to meet you.

(Shouting) Thank you!

Merry Christmas!

No matter how loud you yell, she still can't hear you.

Just make sure you face her and talk normal... not too fast, not too slow.

Sorry.

It's okay. Everybody does it.

You have a lovely home.

Thank you.

I was just going to go inside and open a bottle of sauvignon blanc.

You got any scotch?

Yeah, of course. Let's go inside, come on.

Oh, please don't start drinking on me.

Oh, it's Regina's.

I grabbed it when she set it down.

Ah, good thinking. Okay, here.

<i>Bay: Start rolling this.

Okay.</i>

Mm...

It's not working.

Ah, we need to put flour down.

<i>♪ ... joyful and triumphant ♪
♪ oh, come ye oh, come ye ♪</i>

Apparently I rock at this.

What is going on? I can only cook when I'm deaf?

Maybe you were too busy k*lling it on the soccer field?

And you grew up with Angelo, who's amazing in the kitchen.

Oh crap.

We have to drizzle truffle oil on the garlic knots when they come out of the oven. I forgot the truffle oil.

We've gotta have every single thing right.

What are we gonna do?

I'll text Emmett. He owes me a favor.

<i>(Regina laughing)</i>

Oh, you have to tell me how you launched your own skin care line.

Your products are amazing. I must have tried them all.

It's not that exciting.

I just saw a need in the marketplace and I filled it.

So what is it that you do?

I own a salon.

Oh.

We're small, but we have a loyal customer base.

I mean, it's nothing compared to what you've accomplished.

I've been in the beauty industry since I was 21. It's in my bones.

So if you were ever looking for an associate to help you out...

I thought you said you owned a salon.

I do, but...

Business hasn't been so great, actually.

We're shutting our doors after the holidays.

So the thing is...

I'll keep you in mind if we get an opening.

Ah. Got it.

<i>Kathryn: I, uh, have to check on the appetizers.

♪ I wanna wish you merry Christmas ♪
♪ and a happy new year ♪</i>

What do you think you're doing?

I just think that you should...

Take it easy, that's all.

You don't know anything about me.

And from the looks of your cushy life, you don't know anything at all.

You're right. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I get it.

I used to do the same thing with my dad.

You did?

Yeah.

He was a big drinker...

Especially around the holidays.

It got to the point where my mom and I would just go to a movie on Christmas day just to get out of the house.

It was the only thing I ever really liked about Christmas.

I never knew that.

How could you?

I can't believe I just told you all that.

I'm gonna go check on A.J.

Oh... I made a lot of food.

We don't need any more, but thank you.

I can understand you.

And I'm happy to do it.

Do you want to help?

Oh, no. No, no, I...

I don't cook.

You don't cook?

Can I tell you a secret?

I bought the entire Christmas dinner at Whole Foods.

I used to make a big deal about Christmas.

12 kinds of cookies and homemade peanut brittle.

But no one seemed to care.

And now I'm just too busy.

I bet they did care.

They just didn't show it.

Um...

<i>♪ Hold me tight on Christmas night ♪
♪ this year ♪</i>

Living in silence must be...

Amazing.

Yeah. It has its good points.

I've been thinking about taking a vow myself.

There's this 30-day program in India.

Uh-huh.

That would be a vow of silence, not deafness.

This is gonna sound crazy, but I feel...

This connection to you...

Like we were meant to be together.

I'm only in town for a few days, but there's this cool teahouse nearby...

<i>(cell phone vibrates)

Ooh! (Laughs)</i>

That was my phone, it vibrated.

I got a text message. Ah, see?

Text, and there's... (Clicks tongue)

<i>♪ Hold me tight on Christmas night ♪
♪ this year ♪</i>

So what is it? Am I too East Riverside?

Okay, this is ridiculous.

I invite you into my home on Christmas Eve, we adopt you for the holidays and now you're hitting me up for a job?

Adopt us?

My daughter said you invited us because our girls were friends.

Hey, guys, guys.

We don't need to be adopted.

<i>I'll be adopted by them.

A.J.!</i>

You know what?

What?!

Could you please hold on five minutes?

Just five more minutes.

Fine.

(Scoffs)

Mom...

Hey, sorry to interrupt, hi, Emmett.

This is Daphne. No wait. I'm Daphne.

This is Bay. I'm teaching her sign language.

Okay, yeah, so, uh... things are starting to get a little bit crazy in there.

So if we're gonna do this, we need to do it now.

We've overstayed our welcome.

Wait!

John: Bay, I really think it's best we let them go.

Who's ready for some garlic knots?

You have to try one. They're magic.

What are you doing?

It's now or never.

Both: I wish we'd been switched at birth!

Excuse me?

What did you two just say?

Nothing happened.

Daphne Paloma Sorrento, go and get your coat.

<i>We'll be waiting in the car.</i>

A.J.? Excuse me.

♪ A snowflake fell ♪

<i>♪ And came to see ♪
♪ his crystal bones ♪
♪ and filigree ♪

Hi, Daphne.

♪ He said every snowflake's different ♪</i>

Bay is not here. She just left.

You might be able to catch...

It's okay.

I came to see you.

Oh.

I'm really sorry that we ruined your Christmas Eve last night.

Oh.

No, honey. You didn't.

<i>♪ Above the rooftops ♪</i>

For me?

<i>♪ As long as we're together ♪
♪ things will turn out right ♪
♪ they held each other closer ♪

Is this for...</i>

Making peanut brittle?

And you brought peanuts in the shell.

It makes a difference.

Come on in.

<i>♪ We were cut from the same paper ♪
♪ that was folded long ago ♪
♪ so before we hit the ground and turn to snow ♪

(Knocks on door)

♪ Won't you melt into my arms ♪
♪ before we go... ♪</i>

Hi. Um, Daphne just ran off somewhere.

That's okay.

Look, I know we don't know each other well, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for last night.

No, no, I'm the one who's sorry.

I shouldn't have hit your mom up for a job...

And I definitely shouldn't have drank so much.

It's just tomato juice. I swear.

I came to tell you...

I knew someone once... someone I was close to... she went through a really hard time...

But she kicked it.

She got sober.

I'm sure that you could too.

I'm sure your kids would be there for you.

Thank you.

And, um, I brought something.

I thought maybe we could watch it together.

Don't you have some fancy Christmas thing at your parents' house?

Yeah, but I'd rather do this.

I'm sorry, I don't have any food.

Maybe we could order some Chinese?

Oh, that's okay.

Wait for Daphne to come back? Could be fun.

Might be. Come on in.

(Off-key) La la la.

Yes!

<i>(Clock chiming)</i>

Oh, I am so happy to see your chipmunk-y little faces.

Merry Christmas.

Hi!

Hi.

The whole perfect-Kennish-Christmas thing makes me feel like you were cheated out of this storybook life... like you somehow drew the short straw because you got stuck with the single mom...

Mom.

I love our Christmases.

Really?

Really.

Okay.

Morning.

Mommy!

"Mommy?"

Is it Christmas?

Yes.

Okay, I wanna make gingerbread pancakes and then I want you to sing Christmas Carols all day long.

Oh, and baking! I want to bake!

Honey, stop, please. I know that you and I are really, really different.

We always have been. I love all this stuff and you don't.

I need to stop forcing it on you.

Mom, I love every single thing about our Christmases.

That's not entirely true, but every family has a little crazy.

And if I have to have crazy, I prefer your crazy over anyone else's.

Come here, honey.

<i>(Door opens)</i>

Hi. Hi.

Merry Christmas!

There's some moo shu pork, some vegetable chow mein, and a whole lot of egg rolls being delivered any minute.

So...

Kathryn. Thank you.

So much.

Ho ho ho.

Let's open some presents, all right?!

Yes!

Hey, did those garlic knots do anything weird to you?

Because I had the strangest dream last night.

Me too!

Me too! Um...

You and I...

Oh, no.

Were, um... oh, it was so weird.

We were skydiving!

(Gasps) Skydiving!

Skydiving is good!

<i>John: Toby, Bay,</i> so tell them about the Christmas when your mom set me on fire.

<i>Kathryn: No, no, no, no, no.

What?!

I did not set him on fire!

John: What are you talking about?

Well... just accidentally.</i>

So we're at the candlelight service...

And everyone is singing "Silent Night"...

<i>John: And, you know, they're passing the flame</i> from person to person...

And mom hands it to dad and accidentally just...

Both: Whoosh!

No!

(Gasps)

Up my arm, down my back, down the other arm, and I'm like, "ahhh!"

And then all of a sudden, the flames... gone.

What?

Because the sweater was flame retardant.

(All laugh)

It was awesome. You should've seen it.

I can't believe we missed all these Christmases together.

We're together now.

♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪
♪ let your heart be light ♪
♪ from now on, our troubles ♪
♪ will be out of sight... ♪

Your turn.

That's beautiful.

<i>(Kathryn laughs)</i>

♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪
♪ make the yuletide gay ♪

Both: ♪ from now on ♪
♪ our troubles will be miles away... ♪

Your turn.

♪ Here we are as in olden days ♪
♪ happy golden days of yore ♪

All: ♪ faithful friends who are dear to us ♪
♪ gather near to us ♪
♪ once more... ♪

Oh, no.

No.

<i>Toby: Come on.</i>

(Discordant) ♪ through the years, we all will be together ♪
♪ if the fates allow ♪
♪ hang a shining star ♪
♪ upon the highest bough ♪

All: ♪ and have yourself ♪
♪ a merry little Christmas ♪
♪ now. ♪

(Laughing)

Oh.

(All cheer)

♪ ♪